Episode 52 | Erik Roberts | He Survived What Most Wouldn’t

This might be one of the most intense and powerful stories ever shared on the Rain Brings Growth Podcast.

Eric takes us through a life marked by extreme adversity…
A devastating motocross crash that left him paralyzed, in a coma, and fighting for his life…

But that was only the beginning.

From surviving near-death experiences… to enduring violence, trauma, and unimaginable personal battles… this episode dives deep into what it truly means to be tested.

We talk about:

Overcoming life-threatening injuries and being told you’ll never walk again
PTSD, depression, and the battles men fight in silence
Faith, purpose, and finding meaning through pain
Leadership, fatherhood, and protecting your family at all costs
Why sharing your story might save someone else’s life

This is not just a story about survival…
It’s about choosing to keep going when everything in you wants to quit.

If you’ve ever felt like giving up, this episode is for you.

You can follow Erik on Instagram @erik_roberts_177

🎧 Episode available on YouTube, Spotify, and Apple Podcasts
👉 Subscribe to Rain Brings Growth Podcast for more real, raw conversations

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Uh at the top of the hill there's just a single roller that kind of drops down the hill. So once you're over it, you can't see. I stayed low and then somebody went wide, jumped, landed right on top of my head. Um at that point kind of compressed my spine, knocked me out. I came to, I don't know how long afterwards. I remember turning over and looking back, and there was just piles of bikes coming my way. And essentially I got buried at the bottom of about a 20-bike pile up, ended up with a brain bleed, skull fracture, broke my jaw, broke my left clavicle completely off, my left shoulder broke it, uh my all my ribs, punctured lung, ruptured spleen, broke my hip, broke my leg, uh compressed my four, five, and six in my spine. Um so essentially I was more or less paralyzed.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

Cool, dude. Well, Eric, thanks for coming on, man. I appreciate it. I think I just barely met you like one time at the at the SOTC, and then yeah. And uh it's funny how the world brings people together. So thanks for coming over, man. Yeah, no, thank you for having me. I'm super fortunate. Yeah, I was reading on on your uh you know, your submission and everything, and I was like, this dude's got a crazy life. I gotta give him a chance to tell his story. I think a lot of people can get a lot of wisdom out of it. So I appreciate that.

SPEAKER_01 1:37

Yeah, it's been it's been a rough go, but you know, trying to find the positives and everything, you know, and leaning on the right things through the process has kept me here through the through through my life, you know. I mean there's been multiple times where I thought about you know, giving up. But yeah. You know, it's I got too much to lose. But man, life gets hard and heavy, you know. Yeah. Well, where are you from? Originally from Northern California, uh outside of Sacramento, about 45 minutes. Uh lived on a cattle ranch and uh lived that lifestyle for most of my life until I moved here. Uh my grandfather was big into cows and horses, and so I grew up running cows, you know, changing water, irrigating, riding horses, you know, all sorts of stuff, and realized that that wasn't the lifestyle I wanted. You know, there was no vacations, no breaks, you know, it was the same routine every day, you know. So just it wore me out, you know. But it was really good. It taught me a lot of work ethic and structure for sure. How big was your guys' ranch? Um, so we had a few different ranches, but uh the main one we lived on is in a little town called Wilton. I don't know if you guys are familiar with it, but um, so there my grandfather ran roughly around 80 head of cows. Um and then we had gosh, probably 20 plus horses throughout the time. And that was my first job was riding horses, and you know, I got to sit on the horses, and if I stayed on until they were tired, I was fifty dollars in my pocket. So really that was my first gig. Yeah, is like breaking the horses or he'd get two year olds and he'd dally them off and I'd get in a round pen and buck them out, and and then he was older, of course, so I didn't want him getting hurt. So if I could stay on and wear him out to where he could walk them out, then it was fifty dollars every time. So it was a pretty good gig, you know, for me. I mean, I don't think there's a time where I didn't have bruises on the inside of my legs, but it was good. It was good life. I mean, beat me up for sure, but yeah, I wouldn't change it for anything.

SPEAKER_00 3:40

You were breaking in bones like getting bucked off or anything.

SPEAKER_01 3:42

I've between motorcycles and horses, man, I've probably broke half my body at some point. You know, I mean, my medical record's like a dictionary. They get scared when they when I come in, that's for sure. Yeah, but but yeah, no, it's uh there's been quite a few broken bones, a lot of concussions, a lot of uh a lot of casts through my years.

SPEAKER_00 4:03

Did you ever do anything like in the rodeo scene or anything like that? I did.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

So me and my grandfather actually team roped together. Um so I'm going back a little bit. My my dad was handicapped my whole life. Uh so I spent most of my time with my grandfather on his ranch. Um back to that, my dad was a heavy equipment mechanic. Um, was working on a mid-sized dump truck. Somebody came by with a forklift, clipped it, came over, smashed his leg. Um, so I dealt with my dad having blood clots, staph infections, um, all sorts of stuff through my life. So he was fragile, you know, I'll say. So uh my grandfather kind of took me under his wing and you know, basically kind of filled that dad role for me. And uh yeah, we we grew up team roping. I did some steer wrestling and then I rode bowls for a little bit of time and wasn't my thing. I mean, I enjoyed it, you know, but motorcycles was my heartbeat, you know, and that's what kept me going for it through everything, you know. So spent a lot of time doing that. Um Northern California seems like it's a cool place to be, more than Southern California. I definitely SoCal was not my my gig. I went down there a few times, but definitely wasn't my lifestyle. Yeah, that's for sure. I mean, you know, where I grew up, like I said, it was very remote and mainly ranches and farms, you know, so it was a lot different dynamic than going down where you had to sit for an hour to go five miles. You know, it wasn't very fun. So, but uh yeah, no, we were close to the mountains. Um I mean, where we lived, it was about an hour and a half, no any direction. You could hit the desert an hour and a half, you can hit the mountains an hour and a half, you can hit the ocean an hour and a half. So it's a pretty good spot, you know. Yeah. Um wanted to get out of there and uh, you know, get away from the dynamics of California for sure. What did you want to do when you got out? Uh so ultimately, uh my sophomore year in high school, I started uh like going through like RO ROP fire tech uh to be a firefighter. Um so I got through ROP fire tech, uh my sophomore year, uh junior year, I did my EMT and I started at a local community college for um like my fire science. Uh my senior year, I went through my fire academy and my paramedics. So when I graduated high school a month after I graduated, I had my firefighter one. I was two months away from my associates in fire science, and then I ended up uh having my paramedic license. So I went straight to work and the fire service.

SPEAKER_00 6:23

Wow. Is that something they offer in California more than other states because they have so many fires?

SPEAKER_01 6:27

Just to get people more than so many fires, but it was just a program through ROP, and I mean I really enjoyed it, and it taught me so much. I mean, I didn't really have that high school life, you know, that a lot of kids have. It was just, you know, I went to school and then pretty much from you know, I had to get up at three o'clock and start watering cows and changing irrigation, and then I would go, I'd shower, go to school, leave school, go straight to, you know, community college or EMT classes or whatever. So my day didn't end until 10-ish or so every day. So it just became a grind, and but I knew what I wanted to do and you know it worked out, you know, because like I said, I was straight from high school, straight to work, you know.

SPEAKER_00 7:08

And that was gonna be for structure fire, not like wildland fire.

SPEAKER_01 7:10

Yeah, so um right out of high school, I did some wildland stuff through Calfire. Uh, I worked through for the Siskiyou Hotshots. Uh started out on a hand crew. Uh, after a year, I ended up bumping up to an engineer. Uh, did that my third year in uh off season because we were seasonal. Um, I was doing apartment maintenance and uh always been a welder just because I grew up on the ranch and building a tennis court gate, ended up getting hurt and uh ended up with a permanent disability and threw my fire crew out the window that fast because they gave me 15% was cut off and I got 18%. And uh so I had to switch gigs real fast.

SPEAKER_00 7:49

What happened on that welding thing?

SPEAKER_01 7:51

Um, so I was building, like I said, a gate. The company I was working for didn't really supply me with the right tools. Uh I was cutting some just one-inch flat bar and uh didn't have a vise, didn't have anything. Using a grinder, I was just cutting the disc in the grinder had a chip in it, it bounced and it ran across my wrist and uh cut my artery, all my nerves, my tendons, everything. And holy cow. Yeah, so I only have feeling in this half of my hand, this half is just dead because my own nerve and everything released and they couldn't repair it. So that's my permanent disability. Yeah, so that ultimately after three years threw my fire career out the window. I mean, I I uh had already signed a contract for uh going to work for SAC Metro Fire as a firefighter medic, um, and had to end up avoiding that, and that's when I was trying to find a different route to go. Didn't know where I wanted to go, man. I just I couldn't go back in the fire service. I stayed volunteering for a few years. Um, just obviously there's no money in it. So um having the degree that I had and the background I had, I went through a bunch of FEMA training, I went through a post academy, uh, did a bunch of firearms training, and then I ended up working for the Department of Defense, the DOD, as a contractor for the NRC, which is a nuclear regulatory commission. Uh, did some decommissioning for nuclear sites and uh realized real fast I didn't want to have to travel around, you know, it was nonstop traveling, it was exhausting. Uh from there, uh I left that after about two years and uh went for a company called Blackwater Industries. Uh was an overseas mercenary and uh just did executive protection, guarding, things like that. Essentially I was a bullet sponge. And uh yeah, I mean, pretty much part of our contract was you know, you jump in front of any any shots that are fired, and if if it pans out, you fire back, you know, type of deal. So it was uh it was uh thinkless work to say, but you had to always be on your toes, you know. And some of the stuff you see is pretty brutal, you know. I mean, you've the smells, the tastes, and you know, just the the visuals that you hang on to are tough.

SPEAKER_00 10:05

On that contracting side?

SPEAKER_01 10:06

Yeah, because we're not protected by the the military. We know we don't have any backing. I mean, we're private sector, you know, like essentially private security over there. So uh, I mean, you know, you don't get to call in airstrikes, you don't get to call in support. I mean, so where you are is where you are, and who you have is who you have. So it uh it was good money, but again, wasn't what I wanted to do, you know, and uh traveling a lot, six month stints, um gave that up real quick. Um, and then that's when I ultimately looked at, man, I gotta get out of here, you know. I need a fresh start. And um I just had my son, my oldest son, uh he was a year old, and we decided to flip a coin and figure out where we were gonna go and Idaho it was. And we two weeks later jumped in the truck with our toy hauler and whatever we can fit and been here for 13 years. And you know, when I first came here, didn't really know what I was gonna do, you know. I mean, I didn't really have any direction. Um ended up going and I was a um a line or basically I was a production manager for big tech's trailers for their welding side. Um realized that working for somebody and that I guess industry wasn't my gig. So I uh got out of that, started my own business. Uh I was a portable welder fabricator for almost 10 years and uh gave that up just because I got tired of chasing my money. You know, it's so difficult, you know, when people are on a net 30 and they'll stretch you out 90, 120 days, and I still have consumables, I have employee costs, I have everything else I gotta pay. And uh I realized real fast I wasn't making any money, I was just surviving.

SPEAKER_00 11:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 11:54

And uh so I was uh at the time I was welding for a local company and they wanted a production manager, so I ended up taking that, and that ultimately led me to where I'm at now as a general manager for a local steel fabricating company.

SPEAKER_00 12:10

So when you had your own welding, Greg, were you like going out to just like piping sites and just anything?

SPEAKER_01 12:16

I mean, I did some stuff for Intermountain Gas, Simplot. I mean, I go to construction sites, farms, wineries, I mean anything. I mean, I was I was one of the few at the time that was doing portable stainless in the valley, so I could do food grade stainless in the field, which was kind of a niche, kind of set me aside a little bit. Um, it was really good. I mean, I was swamped busy. I mean, I was seven days a week, 14-hour days, you know, and hired a handful of guys throughout the years to help me out. And of course, you know, they're not gonna work for me if I don't pay them. So they got paid before I did. So by the time it was said and done, I was like, there's nothing left, you know. So um was that rough in the early stages of like you having kids and all that? It was, yeah. Just I mean, there was times where I would take my kids with me. I mean, I have pictures of you know my daughter, probably three, four years old, sitting in the dirt next to a dozer that I'm hard facing the blade on, you know, just because it's the only time I could get time with my kids, you know, and it was hard. I know. I mean, I regret that aspect of it, um, because it did take away from so much family time, you know, and and you know, I can't get it back now, but if I had the opportunity, I definitely would change that, you know, just because I I missed a lot of their growing up stages, but I was always the breadwinner. I had to hustle, you know. I mean, didn't didn't have any fallback, you know, it was me or nothing, you know. So, you know, in self-employment world, you never know what tomorrow's gonna bring and have to take it while you can get it, you know. So that was that was hard, you know, and wanted to do a lot of vacations. Every time we'd go on vacation, my phone would ring, kind of blow the whole thing for us. So it just got to a point where I was just burnt out and just couldn't sustain much longer, you know, and so that's ultimately why I shifted, you know, because it was I needed consistent, I needed more hours that I could actually plan on and not be jumping at everybody's beck and call all the time, you know, because it was it was a lot, you know. I mean, people people just think that they're the the top dog and they're number one when they call you and you gotta drop everything, you know. And I understand, but at the same time it was like, you know, I had a life too, you know. Yeah, I didn't, but I, you know, was supposed to, you know. So I mean I I miss it, you know. It was uh I'm very much driven to the point of where I don't like to be held back, you know, so it was always like, you know, I could always do more, do better, and you know, it's up to me to make it happen, you know. So I really I really enjoyed that aspect of it. And but you know, being in management has also given me the opportunity to pour into people. And uh I mean I've had countless opportunities to just bless people through leadership, you know, I mean, and be present with them and help them through struggles. I mean, I don't know how many people that I've sent, you know, through the companies I've managed, sent them to rehabs, sent them to, you know, family counseling services, you know, got their kids back after never seeing them, you know, I mean type of thing. And so it was it was a really cool opportunity to to bless through leadership, you know. I mean, I I always wanted to be a leader that I never had, you know, and so I uh one of my fame famous lines is, you know, a difference between you and me is just the job title. It doesn't mean I'm any better, you know. It's just I have different responsibilities than you. So it was uh I have quite a few friends that were employees, uh a lot quite a few friends that I've mentored. Um, you know, I've been able to work through the prison system and get hooked up with the Nampa Community Reentry Center. So I've had countless guys go through there that I was able to mentor through prison ministry. I've been able to baptize a handful of these guys, um, you know, walk through faith with them and but also guide them through their employment and their next steps in lives after making that mistake, you know. A lot of people don't give them a chance. You know, I mean we've all made mistakes, I have, and you know, if I didn't get second chances, you know, I wouldn't be here, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_00 16:14

Yeah, I used to hear that all the time. I used to work at the prison for 10 years, and I would hear that all the time from like the only difference between you and me is you didn't get caught. Yeah. You're right. Yeah. That's exactly it. 100%.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Yeah, you know, and a lot of people don't don't look at it that way. They think that oh, they're in they're in a jumpsuit or they're behind sell, you know. Like, I mean, they're the worst of the worst. But it's like I mean, you know, I'm speaking from experience. I've done things that could have easily put me behind bars, you know, and I regret it. But at the same time, it's like I didn't get caught, you know, praise God. But you know, I mean, it's one of those things where you know some people have more structure and have the opportunity to self-control maybe a little more, and then they don't end up in that situation. But man, I don't look at those guys any different, you know. I mean, some of them might have a little little different mindset, a little different hearts, but ultimately, man, some of those guys in the in the prison just working through ministry and stuff, they've touched me more than you know, pastors and and people through the church, you know. I mean, because they have real stories, you know, and real struggles. And you know, they've overcome, you know, real things, you know, and that's huge.

SPEAKER_00 17:25

Yeah. Yeah, man. When did you start getting into the motorcycle scene? So were you riding motorcycles when as a kid in high school?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

Yeah, so I started racing dirt bikes at four years old. Oh shoot. Yeah, so motorcycles have always been in my family. You know, I mean, it's uh my dad raced uh what's called flat track professionally. My uncle Kenny is well known around the the world, you know. He was one of the top, you know, like sport bike and flat track racers, Kenny Roberts. Um, so it's just in our blood, it's just ingrained in us. So four years old, started racing motocross, um did it consistently. I mean, like pretty much became my life, you know, until I was about 17. Um, multiple injuries, multiple wins, multiple loses, you know, lots of struggles, you know. But you know, thankfully my parents stuck by me. I had a lot of uh support, you know, their um sponsors, you know, helped us out a lot, you know. I mean, because it's expensive. And uh got to a point where when I was 17, my mom had seen way too many accidents and way too many traumatic things to where I was driving and I was doing my thing. So just me and my buddies would load up the toy hauler and we'd just go and race for the weekend and come home type of thing. And uh basically rode until I was about twenty one and then uh kind of shifted my focus a little bit into family mode, you know, and gave it up for quite some time. Um and just it just always was in my blood. I always missed it, you know, and always wanted to get back into it. My my two sons, they got to the age where it was like, okay, they could ride again, and then uh started riding again. This was probably oh, maybe four and a half years ago. I had gotten back into it, rode with my kids, my kids raced as well. You know, traveled all over um as a family, you know, we'd go to Washington, Oregon, Utah, Nevada, California, you know, pretty much all this side of the United States just racing. And uh it was really fun, man. We got to see a lot of cool places and got to see my kids, really excel in it. And uh got got to a point where it became just very selfishly driven for myself, I think, because I was pushing myself to get to the level that I was before, essentially. Um, and always had these goals in my head of being somewhere and something, you know, and so I got very selfish with it. It became my life, you know. I mean, it was the way I was training, the way I was eating, the way I was everything was all about, you know, racing and what I wanted to accomplish. And uh ended up getting to a point where I was able to qualify for uh the Mammoth Lakes, uh, vet nationals, vet, yeah, you know, 30 over, they call you a vet, so they age you really quick.

SPEAKER_00 20:21

Um but uh that's like sounds like the broken bones is a justifier. Yeah, exactly.

SPEAKER_01 20:26

Yeah, they they slow you down a lot when you hit that point. Um so I ended up going to uh Mammoth Lakes, California for that. Um should have been paying attention to all the signs that God was showing me to back off. Like what? Uh I mean everything was trying to stop me along the way, whether it was my vehicle, whether it was my bike, whether it was my gear, whether it was, you know, I got sick right before um I was out practicing, had a bad accident, hematomoed my whole left arm, you know, could hardly move it, and just all these signs that it was like, this isn't for you, don't do it. I just I couldn't get my mind off of it, you know, is what I wanted to do. And was it like just a big opportunity for that race? And it's uh probably one of the most well-known tracks and events, you know, like in the scene. And uh so I just didn't want to miss the opportunity because it was invitation, you know. I mean, it's not like you could just enter online type of thing, you know. So you either had to qualify or, you know, be invited to it. So it was a big deal. Um pushed our way through, made it there, and uh everything was going super good, just having a good time, you know, exploring and whatnot, and went out for practice. Practice went really well. Um, you know, I was pretty jacked, you know. Next day went out, had my first race. Um felt good on the line. There was 45 guys on the line, and uh got off the line and I was about I was second or third place, hit the first turn, somebody T bowed. Me took me out, I crashed, I got up, and I still finished. But um, once again, another sign of like, man, what are you doing? You know, like pump the brakes. And uh, you know, I was following God, but from a distance at that point, you know, so I wasn't grabbing a hold of, hey, these are his signs of like, hey, slow down. Uh went out the next day for my second moto, and uh, same thing, got a great start uh at Mammoth. You take off and you go up this real steep hill, and then you make a hard left-hand turn. Uh, at the top of the hill, there's just a single roller that kind of drops down the hill. So once you're over it, you can't see, you know, coming from it. And uh I stayed low and then somebody went wide, jumped, landed right on top of my head. Um, at that point, kind of compressed my spine, knocked me out. Um, I came to, I don't know how long afterwards. I remember turning over and looking back, and there was just piles of bikes coming my way. And essentially I got buried at the bottom of about a 20-bike pile up. Um, ended up with a brain bleed, skull fracture, broke my jaw, broke my left clavicle completely off. My left shoulder broke it, uh, my all my ribs, punctured lung, ruptured spleen, broke my hip, broke my leg, uh, compressed my four, five, and six in my spine. Um, so essentially I was more or less paralyzed, you know, and but out of it, you know, I couldn't function. Um they took me to Mammoth Lakes Hospital. Mammoth Lakes Hospital said there's nothing we can do for them. Um at that point I was having really bad grandma seizures. They couldn't control my seizures or my breathing, my heart rate. So they induced me. Um I was induced for about a month and a half. Um, but they transferred me to renowned medical center in Reno, where I was in trauma ICU on life support essentially. Um my brain function calmed down enough to where I was able to finally take feeding tubes and breathing tubes and things like that. So then they moved me to the neurological floor. I was on the neuro floor for another two months or so. Um, take in mind, we lived here, you know, and I was in Reno. Um, my three kids were displaced the whole time. I mean, just couch surfing with anybody that would take them. Um, you know, just trying to trying to figure out life. Um, you know, fortunate, you know, my my job, a company uh I was working for paid us through everything. So we didn't, you know, my salary remained the same through everything. Um, all my employees rallied together. They did car washes, GoFundMe's, all sorts of stuff to like help us out. You know, it's just it was super beautiful from like that side to see the amount of support that people, you know, like will give you in those situations. Um long story short, I was never supposed to walk or talk again, essentially be a vegetable. Um which to me was I mean, obviously in the moment I didn't grasp, you know, what was going on because I mean I was just basically laying in bed, you know, like um were you in a coma? I was, yeah. I was in a coma for about a month and a half. And uh was it like that when you woke up from that? It was basically just like turning a light switch on, like everything just kind of remained, you know. I mean, like my function wasn't there, you know, like I didn't have you know, like function of like really any of my body, you know, like couldn't control like you know, like my my bowel movements, anything like that. Um I couldn't communicate. Um, but as far as like cognitive-wise, it's just like you just kind of can't you just come to and you're just like you know, like I'm gonna be able to do it. You knew who everybody was and for the most part, yeah. Um the problem was is I couldn't open my eyes, and when I did, I couldn't see, right? So I couldn't grasp voices very well because my hearing was really, you know, like deafened and everything, just because my brain was just so swelled. And yeah, um, so I mean I went by pretty much touch and just, I mean, like, you know, and I for a long time I didn't know who I was, you know. Like I remember, you know, like people telling me and and showing me videos, you know, like you know, they were recording me and they'd be like, Who are you? And I would say, you know, like Annie, you know, that was my you know, my wife at the time, that was her name. Or I would say Gunner, which is one of my son, like I mean, like, because they were in my mind, but it's like I didn't know who I was, you know, like it was just really weird. Um, and I think like explaining what it feels like to kind of be not there, but there essentially it's like I called it gray Play-Doland, you know, like because I felt like I was just floating in this like big gray sludge, everything was super slow. Uh I it was just it's the wildest thing I've ever experienced, you know. And um, but again, it's it's hard to really explain because it's like I don't know if that was actually me thinking that or if that was just what I thought after the fact, you know. I mean, I just went by videos and what people were telling me I was doing, you know, and that's all I remember. I mean, because I don't remember any of Reno, um, because after the two months on the neurofloor, I got moved to St. Al's and Boise. Um, and I was there, trauma ICU there for about a month, and then got released from there. Uh was supposed to go straight into acute rehab through the STARS program. Um, but I just I needed something, you know, different. I need some sort of positivity. So they were gonna let me go home and then have to go to rehab every day. Um made it home for about two hours, still couldn't communicate or talk well. Uh, I was sitting on the couch, and uh, I just started banging on my chest. And uh, you know, so my wife's time she was freaking out, so she called an ambulance, they threw me in the ambulance, drove me back, and uh, I was having a pulmonary embolism. Um, so basically blood clots had shot into my lungs and heart. And uh, so they they had told told her that if you hadn't brought him in, he had about an hour left, you know, like to live. So that was pretty enlightening. You know, they pulled um clots out of out of me, um, equivalent to a five mil syringe lengthwise and double the double the width of a five mil syringe. So I mean I was essentially almost completely plugged at that point. Um crazy experience um getting that removed. They uh they cut you on, you know, like you're growing, and then they fish up this wiry, graspy deal. Uh, you feel it go through your chest and down, and they pull everything out. So it's uh, you know, I mean you could you could feel it, you know, like which is really crazy. I mean, yeah, it's definitely something I don't want to experience again.

SPEAKER_00 29:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

Um, and then when I went in for that, um, we had a delay at the start from my emergency surgery because when they were cutting me, they ended up cutting my artery. So I started bleeding out. Um how many lives do you have left? I'm not sure, but I never really was a fan of cats, but apparently I'm part cat. Um, but uh so that I started bleeding out on the table. They were able to stop the bleeding, they stitched that, rolled me back out because they had to clean up the mess essentially. Um, what was supposed to be a fairly quick hour and a half, two hours of surgery ended up being almost eight hours. Um, you know, so they went in, they got the clots out. Well, then they had to do transfusions and then monitor me because of everything. So I spent about another two weeks in the hospital, uh, got released, started rehab. I was on just so many medications, you know, just because, you know, everything from nerve pain meds to anxiety to to depression to, you know, so all these medications were just essentially kind of just counteracting and creating this chemical compound inside of me that my body was like, no way. Uh I was making zero progress through through rehab. If anything, I was starting to go backwards. And uh I just remember at that point I was able to start communicating better. Um I just remember like just saying, Man, I just don't want to take this stuff anymore. You know, I mean it was I feel like it's making it worse. So I slowly started just phasing myself off of certain medications. I stayed on my blood thinners and things like that. Um, and you know, like shortly after, probably three weeks after, I started making progress. So these medications were essentially kind of holding me, you know, down, you know, and and preventing me from making progress. It's uh, you know, nothing against the medical world, but you know, just more like the pain pills or what? Yeah, it was, you know, like I said, because I was, you know, I had a whole bunch of nerve damage. Yeah, I couldn't feel my left leg for months and months and months. Um, and then I with double drop foot. So drop foot essentially is where your nerves don't work, right? So your toes when you try to walk just want to drop. And uh so I was tripping over myself and falling, which was high risk because you know, my brain was still swelled and you know, dealing with all that. So it was just I was essentially like bubble boy, you know, for a long time. I mean, they the doctors were like he needs to wear a helmet when it wherever he goes, you know, all this crazy stuff. And you know, I didn't, but you know, I mean I was supposed to, you know, but uh yeah, I was just really wild. You know, it's uh that definitely changed my perspective on life. Um, you know, going through that and really made me dig into I guess what my priorities and what my motives were were, you know. I mean, it was, you know, like because again, like I said, I became very selfish, you know, and and just it was like about me and like it was like, okay, cool, my sons could race with me, but it was like my focus was on like what I can do and what I could accomplish, which, you know, over 30 years old, you know, I had my time, you know, so uh definitely changed my perspective on that. Um, and then just being able to overcome all the struggles. Um, my neurosurgeon had told my wife and kids, you know, like if he makes it, you know, there's a chance that, you know, like he'll never be able to like play with you, run, walk, you know, really conversate with you. And it was, I've always been one of those uh hold my beer, watch this type of guys.

SPEAKER_00 32:49

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:49

You know, so it was uh you know, it was one of those things where I took it as a challenge. I was like, well, you think that I'm not going to be able to do this, watch this, you know, and and that started when I was when I was about 16. Um I kind of shifted my focus then as well, because I I grew up super overweight. Um I was uh you know, 16 years old. I was 320 pounds and you know, almost a 50-inch waist. You know, I was still shorts, just super squatty. I was like a little bowling ball, you know, and uh which didn't make sense because I was super active, you know. I mean, and you know, I played sports, I rode horses, rode dirt bikes, but it just you know genetics and whatever, you know, and um, you know, so I ended up eating good on the farm. Yeah, exactly what it was, right? Yeah, that that uh corn fed, you know. Yeah, but uh you know, it uh it kind of changed my perspective then because uh that summer uh when I was 16, it was just you know, kind of like everything happened all at once, you know. Uh my house that I grew up in burnt down. Uh my grandfather passed away. That, you know, sounds silly, but you know, the horse that I grew up on with my grandpa died uh when our house fire happened, I lost our family dog, you know, like so it was like all these just major hits happened. And this was all within a month, you know, like this this hammered us. So I was like, man, I'm gonna make a change, you know, and I didn't necessarily go about it the right way. Um at the time, you know, to age myself a little bit, a stack or two, still had their diet pills with ephedra in them. You know, I was I was young, so I was able to get a hold of some through the wrong people. And uh I was just taking diet pills, and I would just run in place next to my bed until I passed out, you know, like so I was just essentially starving myself and not taking care of myself, uh, which my immune system just took a massive hit. And uh I mean started losing weight. I was down to about probably about 280. Um, you know, so I had lost probably 30, 40 pounds pretty quick. Um went out to dinner for my birthday, um, ended up getting mono, uh tonsillitis, pneumonia, a sinus infection, double ear infection. My lungs collapsed from some coughing. So at 16, um, I spent two and a half months in the hospital, um, pretty much just trying to survive at that point. Um, at the time I had one of the worst cases of mono in in the Sacramento Valley. I mean, I had doctors coming from Arizona and Florida and all sorts of crazy stuff. Um, you know, I was quarantined. My room had, you know, zippers and people had to mask and gown and all sorts of crazy stuff. Um, so yeah, I went in about 280 after that little span because I couldn't eat, couldn't do anything. I came out at 170. I mean, I looked like a bag of bones, you know. I mean, I've I've got a big bone structure in general. So I mean, I looked like you know, five pounds of poop in a 10-pound bag, you know, it was horrible. And uh, but I couldn't even walk, you know, I was just so weak. And uh, but that ultimately shifted my focus to like, okay, you you essentially have a foundation now to kind of you know create, you know, like a healthier lifestyle. And, you know, praise God, I've been able to, you know, maintain this kind of healthier lifestyle. I mean, I'm not super fit, but I mean I try to take care of myself, and um that was kind of the the first big challenge I had in my life, and I overcame that. And so I really held on to that, and that really shaped going forward with my challenges. And uh so when I went through this with my motorcycle accident, it was like just had to keep reminding myself, like, you know, you've been there, you can do this, you know. I mean, it's a you know, it's just another stepping stone, it's just part of your story, you know. And that's such a powerful reframe when you can do something like that. It's not easy, I'll tell you that much. I mean, because I mean I've I've been at Lowe's, you know, I mean, and and I'll get to the next major story here that you know was really it really tested my faith, it really tested a lot of my relationships, um, you know, it tested, you know, just my personal strength and and you know, like, and it was it was brutal, you know. I mean, I it it's still very emotional for me to even go there. And as a man, some of the things that I've gone through are challenging for me to grab a hold of and still, as bad as it sounds, think of myself as a man. Um, so leading into that, I uh we uh my family was uh dealing with uh quite a bit of we'll call it spiritual attacks, but also physical, mental, and emotional attacks. Um and it started with uh an ex-boyfriend of my wife's um that led into ultimately sex trafficking of my wife, which led into me as the provider and protector stepping in and preventing these things, which then put a target on my back. Um when I say a target on my back, I've had everything from the lug nuts loosened on my truck, you know. Like I've had at the time I had a gas vehicle and they cut the spark plug wires, air left out let out of my tires, broken windows, you know, all sorts of like just warnings, if you will, to essentially back off. Um I didn't, right? I mean, what are we called to do as men and husbands, right? When we protect and we provide. Um so I held on to that and I really, really grasped that and didn't want to let that go. You know, I mean, I wasn't gonna back down, and um it ultimately led into okay, well, this isn't working. So then it became physical attacks. I was I was beaten, tied up. Um I had gravel shoved in my mouth, duct tape over my mouth. Um they tied me in a in a four-way, I call it a four-way noose, where they put fishing line around my neck and tied me four different directions. So if I moved it would cut into my neck. Um I had to play Russian roulette with a a gun in my mouth. Um they put six bullets in it. One was charged, the other, the other five were empty, and I just had to pick numbers, you know, and it's click, click, click every time, and you get to a point after about the second one, you're just like, whatever. You know, I mean you know, you just you you almost stop caring because it's like you almost feel like it's gonna happen either way, you know, so might as well, you know. I mean and uh that was a really a really big test of my faith because they were they gave me four chances. They said pick four numbers. So essentially I went through eighty percent of the bullets. They racked the fourth one and click that was a live round and it didn't fire. So that was to me, that was nothing more than God saying, like, hey, I'm not done with you. You know, so that moment was very shaping of my of my faith and really changed my perspective on the route I was going with my life and and just man, you know, like why am I not living for God? Why am I why am I trying to control my outcomes? Because that was my outcome, you know. I mean, I would have been scattered at that point, but God wasn't done, you know. So it uh yeah, it really tested, really tested and made me analyze, you know, where I was. Um that led into um ultimately getting multiple different law enforcement agencies involved, um, nothing really coming out of it. Um the technology and the ties that you know gangs and that in that nature have supporting them is absolutely mind-blowing. And a lot of people don't know it. But a lot of you know, like affiliations have pretty much some sort of affiliation in every agency and or industry, whether it's a doctor, whether it's a lawyer, whether it's a police officer, whether it's an FBI agent, whatever it is, they have ties everywhere, you know, which isn't very reassuring, you know, when when you're seeking help in these situations and you get brushed off like you're crazy, or you know, like you don't know what you're talking about, or you're making this up, or whatever. You know, like I don't I'm not gonna make this up. You know, I got proof. I mean, my head's split open, you know, I got you know, marks on me, I got black eyes, I got cuts, I got, you know, like bruises and didn't matter, you know, and apparently people beat themselves up and tie themselves up all the time, I guess. You know, I mean, I don't know, but um that went on for a few months. The big the big one that I really struggle with is uh and I don't I'm not super outward with this because this definitely changes the way I feel about myself as a man, but I struggle with people looking at me differently. Um in about the fourth attack, um I was ambushed, there were six of them. They hit me from behind, they tied me up, of course. And at one point during one of the attacks, I don't remember what one, they uh they had made a comment about um what they do to people to prove a point and make a lasting impression. And I said, Okay, well, I don't really know what that means. I d hardly verbalize with them. Uh but ultimately um they ended up raping me um and then pretty much beat me and left me for dead uh at that point. And uh because at that point I had essentially DNA is when things shifted. Um that was uh I don't want to say that was the end necessarily, but that because I had um I had more I guess proof and more evidence. Uh that ultimately led into uh them backing off essentially. Um But you know, as as far as overcoming that, um and going back to what I said originally, that was the point where I had thought, man, you know, like I've done everything I can. Um I've tried to be a good man and a good husband and do everything that I was supposed to do. You know, how could this happen to me? Um and that's ultimately when I struggle with massive depression. Um I have severe PTSD, you know, from all of this. You know, I wish I had a cool story behind why, but I don't. Um you know, so I don't I don't typically let people walk or stand behind me. Um I struggle with large crowds. Um you know, just certain words will trigger me. You know, it's it's it's not easy, you know, going out in situations where I essentially have to act normal. You know, I mean and I am normal, but at the same time it's uh people that haven't experienced mass amounts of trauma don't understand the triggers and how powerful they are uh when you are in situations, you know, and uh and I do take medications and uh you know I have a service dog, you know, and you know, and all that stuff helps, but it's not the cure all, you know. It's uh so for me I'm uh I'm trying to restructure my focus and my energy and my my thought process essentially of where um you know it doesn't shape me and it's it's just part of my story, you know. I mean, um it's embarrassing, it's uh it's very humbling, you know, like you know you always think you're you know this tough guy and you got it all together and you can you know do whatever and I could you know beat up whoever and and you get to a point where it's like you know, there's always bigger and badder out there, you know, and it's uh it's it's very humbling, like I said. It's uh it's been hard um to just get back into I think just normality and uh carry that weight and you know me being in and leadership, right? You know, I mean I got 80 people that I've managed, you know, for years, and you know, I a lot of them don't know my story, you know, and a lot of them don't know that when I was managing them, I was going through this, you know. I mean, but I had to keep it together and keep this this visual and keep this this look and this persona that like you know I got it together, like, you know, I've overcome everything, you know, and they're telling me about you know their their cat being sick or whatever, you know, like I mean, right, you know, and I'm sitting in here and I'm just like dying inside, like, man, if you only knew, you know, like, you know, but um, you know, I'm at a point now where um I definitely I want to be able to share my story to help people get to a point where like you know, like you don't have to do it alone, you know. I mean it's uh you know, find the right people that you trust and and find people that you can lean on. But man, I mean, because there was a point where I mean I'm being 100% transparent. It's like I mean, I sat with my gun in my mouth, you know, and I was that close, you know, just because I was like, what do I have to live for? You know, I mean, like I've been demoralized, I've been beaten, I've been abused, I've been humiliated, um, you know, and everything I fought for now, currently, you know, is being taken from me. You know, I mean I I fought for a reason and I fought for my family, and I fought for, you know, like to protect my wife at the time and and protect my kids, and you know, right now, like I said, I mean I'm I'm going through uh you know, like a bad separation, divorce, and you know, and I'm sitting here thinking, like, man, like I gave everything, you know, everything I had, and it's just being dangled in front of me, like, oh, you know, like you don't deserve this. And it's like, man, like I I go biblically and I'm like, man, like, you know, love your wife as you know Christ loved the church. I mean, and what does that mean? That means you know, you give anything and everything. I mean, I gave everything. You know, I mean, I emptied my bank accounts to try to keep these guys off of us. You know, I took the worst abuse and and you know, like humiliation, and and I mean, not once did my family get harmed because I was taking the brute of all of it, you know, and now it's you know, I'm fighting for my kids just to even see them, you know, it's uh so you know it's it's heavy, man, you know, I mean, but you know, like it's just all part of our story, you know, and I'm hanging on to that that you know, like God had a plan and God knows that this is part of my story, and if I could help one person, you know, and the Bible says, you know, if you leave lead one, you know, like I mean, you know, that's enough, you know. So I'm like, man, like if I could just help one person, if I could save one person, if I could change one person's life by letting them understand that, you know, like you're not alone, you know, through this stuff. And a lot of people don't think this stuff happens, it freaking happens. And it happens more than you think, you know, and there was a study recently that showed Nampa is one of the biggest hubs for child uh abduct abductions. So people take kids out of Nampa, and it's literally one of the largest in in the state, and and everything. And then they take them to like Payette and Ontario, and you know, and then they traffic them and they they ship them off. I mean, and it's it's literally it was a study recently that showed that. And so it's like, and you start thinking about that stuff, it's like you know, this stuff happens, you know, and you know, it's it's typically more political that you're hearing about on the news. You don't hear about this type of stuff. Man, if you start digging, you start to see really how corrupt this world is, you know, and and how how heavy it can get. So, you know, without the the proper foundation in us, you know, and the proper morals and having the right people to lean on. I mean, I totally understand why people fall captive of, you know, massive depression and suicide and things like that, you know, and and for me, it's and like I'm at a point now where and I wanna I wanna you know prevent that and I want to make make a change to where people know that like you know, I don't want to necessarily say that there's somebody worse off necessarily, but everybody and somebody's always going through something, you know. So it's like that person that you're rude to in the store, it's having a bad day, and they don't they don't need an attitude, you know, like they need grace, you know, because they're probably battling something, you know, like and and that's again like the the route that I'm shifting is like, man, like you know, I've been through a lot, I've overcome a lot, and I still struggle, but at the same time, it's like and you never know what somebody's going through because they gotta keep it together in that leadership role, you know, or they gotta keep it together for their family, or they gotta keep it together just because they're ashamed or embarrassed, you know. So it's like, man, be that change, be that person, you know, like in people's lives, because you know, one kind word can, you know, keep somebody here a day longer, you know, and and I know for me, it's when I was going through like the heat of this, it's had I not had support from you know, men and the church and and you know, everything, like even my workplace, you know, I mean, and I could probably honestly say I wouldn't be here, you know, just because you know, it's it was so heavy, you know, and it's just so depressing, and and it's so easy to get yourself in this mindset in those situations where you're alone, you know, like nobody's ever been through this, you know. I mean, I went through multiple counselors, you know, because you know, one of my biggest pet peeves with counseling was, oh, I understand. You know, you don't understand, you know, like I mean, I this is brutally honest, but I looked at a couple of my counselors, I said, so you know what it's like to be tied up and raped as a man. Well, no, but I understand how you're feeling. Oh, you do. You know, you felt that pain, you know, you felt, you know, that embarrassment and that shame. And you know what that feels like? Well, no, like, okay, so you just gave me a textbook answer, not taking it, you know. So, I mean, I would just move on, you know, and it's uh, you know, I'm fortunate that there are a lot of good counselors out there that I guess you could say maybe they're just careful with their words, you know, but I mean they understand from the aspect of you know what I was just saying, like, hey, you're going through something different, but like I understand how hard and heavy this could be, right? And it's uh, you know, and it doesn't even have to be a counselor, you know, it could be, you know, me crossing paths with you on the street, you know. Like, I mean, you know, for me, I'm I'm always approachable. I don't care who you are, what color you are, what you're wearing, what your background is, like, like I will always let people approach me and talk to me. Um, but I also put off an image or this persona of not being approachable, you know, which has been hard for me. And uh, I mean, I can't tell you how many times people will look at me and be like, oh, he's a criminal. You know, like people don't get neck tattoos unless they're criminals. Okay, well, why don't you take the time to look at what my tattoos are? You know, all my tattoos are a story, you know. I mean, like, and but it's also been so amazing because it's also given me opportunity to be approachable to people that might fear that person that's in a suit and tie that pretends like they got it all together. You know, like for me, it's like I want it all out there to like, man, I got my tattoos and I got my scars and my bruises from experiences. You know, these aren't, you know, because I have a history or I have a record or I have it all together. It's like, man, you know, like without God and without being forgiven and without having grace. And, you know, one of my favorite verses is, you know, Psalm 144.1, you know, like, you know, the Lord's prepared my hands for war and he's my rock and my shield, you know, like I've had to fight my way through life, you know, like it hasn't just been handed to me, you know, and um, you know, it's it's powerful, you know, and and it's also given me opportunity to to share faith with people because they they always ask, you know, I mean, because not a lot of people are gonna know Bible verses, you know, like throughout the whole thing. So it's like, oh, what does that mean? You know, what does it mean to be forgiven? You know, why do you have a lighthouse? Why do you have chains broken on your neck? You know, like what does all that mean? And it's like, man, like I I struggled and I broke through that, you know, like and I've been forgiven, you know, like not only from people, but through God, you know, I mean, I've made mistakes, you know. I mean, you know, and you know, it's just it's not all about necessarily faith, but the foundation through everything and the things that have kept me grounded always go back to my faith, you know, I mean, because had I not had that, I could have easily spiraled, you know, and and I feel like a lot of people maybe maybe don't have that or they don't put their foundation correctly, you know, and and you know, for me, like going forward, you know, as I you know approach new relationships and stuff, whether it's friendships or you know, like seeking, you know, a future with somebody again and you know down the road or whatever, it's like I am very adamant to tell them, like, hey, like you're always gonna be second, you'll never be my number one. You know, I don't think you want that pressure to be my number one, you know, because it's you know, without you know, faith or God in it, and whether you're a Christian or whatever it is that you believe in, if you foundationally don't have that baseline, I mean, you you can't build a house on sand, right? Without a foundation, you know, I mean, so what's it gonna do? It's gonna sink and it's gonna fall. So, you know, build a foundation on something, you know, like not on yourself, you know, right? Because that's just gonna lead to arrogance and ego. But um, you know, like for me, like having a firm foundation that's been tested over the years, and I was unsure what necessarily a firm foundation looked like up until going through massive struggles and sitting there with guns in my mouth and and tape over my eyes, and and you know, it's like, what do you have to lean on at that point? You know, I mean, you know, you you can't fight, you know, I mean, you fight me against seven guys, and I got my hands and feet tied up and I can't breathe and I can't see. I'm not sure what I'm gonna fight, but I'm not gonna win. You know, so um, you know, knowing that your foundation and and your faith is strong, you know, can really pull you through those, you know, situations. And, you know, and for me, it's you know, like I said, I'm not perfect, and I don't ever want to be portrayed as, oh, he's got it all together, because I don't, I never do. I wake up every day and sin, you know, like I mean, I wake up every day and have to ask for forgiveness. And whether that's judging or whether that's you know, like taking something for granted or whatever it might be, you know. I mean, I I always have to repent and I always have to realize, like, hey, like, you've been given these chances, not by your own power, you know. I mean, like, make sure you thank the person that's given you these chances, you know, and so that's kind of the mind shape that I've I've I've shifted to, you know, and it's you know, I feel for people that have, you know, like severe PTSD from war and from you know, certain traumatic experiences, because I mean it's a real thing, you know. I mean, you know, and some people's are different, some people's might be from an abusive relationship, some people's might be from, you know, being in war, some people's might be from a situation like mine, you know, and but it is a real thing and and it's something that people shouldn't do alone, you know. I mean, it's I mean it's it's just not healthy for one, you know, and and I don't believe that anybody's strong enough, you know, without support and and and a higher power to get through that, you know. I mean, because I know I wouldn't have been, you know, and it's uh it's been it's been hard, you know. I mean, you know, being in the fire service, I saw multiple instances um that just mentally I hang on to. One of the first calls I went on as a paramedic was a decapitation. It it's not so much the blood and gore of it that you remember, it was the fact that it was a 24-year-old guy married for a year, had a four-month-old baby that was two cars back, that had to I mean, he lost his life in front of his wife and his baby, right? And so many cops and firefighters and and even military members, they become numb to those situations because you see it more often than not, you know. And I remember my captain at the time, he was so numb, and he was, you know, 20 years in, close to retirement. He says, Hey Robert, she said, why don't you go grab his head and give him CPR? Like, like it's like a joke, but it's so morbid, you know, like and take in mind his wife is holding their baby, she's bawling her eyes out, and she's from you know, 10 feet away, and she's hearing this, you know, like so it's like there's no compassion in it, you know, because you become numb to emotion and feeling, you know, and it's not healthy, you know. So it's uh, you know, like I I firmly believe in you know, leaning on people, you know, and you know, like the you know, like the SOTC group, you know, it's such a good group of guys that you know can lean on each other, you know, that's we need more of that, whether you're into motorcycles or not, you know. I mean, like find a group to root yourself in, whether it's a dad's group or whether it's you know, a motorcycle group or just a men's ministry or whatever, you know. I mean, because I mean, you know, men are taught to not share their emotions, you know, like like keep them compartmentalized, don't seem like a like a little girl, you know, like be tough, you know, like man, let it out. You know, I mean, and and I did for a long time. I kept it all in. And excuse me, I realized that man, like all I'm doing is just fighting more and more demons inside, you know, by keeping it in, you know, and and excuse me, and you know, and God wants us to lean on each other and sharpen each other out. Well, you can't do that if you're not speaking, you know. I mean, so it's one of those deals where you know it's I don't know. I mean, life has been tough, but I'm also super fortunate and super blessed, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:39

Same dude. That's amazing that you can still come out on top and and think that way after after everything. That's an incredible mindset. And I mean, I I can highly relate to a lot of the stuff, like not had going through a crazy story and then just not thinking that people are gonna believe you, or you know, it wasn't until like I think I turned 30, which was only like I guess three years ago. But that's when I started telling my story from like Southern Habit as a kid that happened like day in and day out for seven years straight behind closed doors. But it was in my own house. My dad didn't even know what was going on from my stepmom that she was abusing me and stuff, and so I just never told anybody, and then because I was like, no one's gonna believe me, you know, and I was just already looked at as a certain way, and she's developed that rel or that uh you know, that view from everybody that I was just a liar and I was a bad kid and things, but they didn't know everything was going on in the on the other side, so I just never told anybody, but I just started seeing it creep out in my adult life or coping with alcohol or other areas, and it was just starting to affect my kids because I was just starting to be a bad dad or a bad husband, or my wife didn't understand like certain triggers or anything, even when like she would just we'd get an argument and like you know, she would like you know hit me like in an argument like women do or whatever, and I was just like I would just shut off. And she's like, What's going on, you know? But uh yeah, man, it's uh it's hard though, you know, when you don't tell anybody and then it's it's it's freeing when you get it out, but it's it's hard. And I mean it makes it worth it when like I went on a guy's podcast and told my story, which was way more than I'd ever told anybody. And so a lot of my family was seeing this for the first time on a YouTube video, which was I guess kind of hard for them, but but when you have people reach out, like I had people reach out from all over the country and just like I thought I was the only one that has gone through like these similar things, and I thought I was alone and I was like, alright, it was worth it at least telling, you know. If I could help one person, then I you know, I can't even I can't even start to say like I know what you're going through because that's that's not even the right area. But to feel like I got this or or you know, I think a lot of men fall into that trap of I got this, I don't need anybody else. Sure. That's that's the the worst three words that anybody can say. Because then it's just all on you. Like if you don't have God in your life, you don't believe that God's got a plan for everything. You're like, this does not make sense. So it's how long did it take you to come out, I guess.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:24

I mean, and and be comfortable speaking about you know your your life experiences, you know, with people.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:31

I mean, was it is it something you held on to for a long time, or is it something that you wanted to get out, but you were I guess fearful, you know, of that's why I started this podcast was I was just like I was afraid I was gonna die with my story, and it still took me like till the eighth episode till I even started to tell some of my story. And that that was only uh that wasn't even everything out of it. I just kind of got out a little bit. Sure. People are like, well, where didn't we gonna tell your story? And I was like, all right, so it still took me like Like eight episodes to even get that out, and then another year later is I got on to my buddy's podcast, and then that was a lot bigger of a podcast, and so I I by that point I just had already started talking about it a little bit here and there on like my Instagram or whatever, so I'd just kind of just let it all out, but I just realized that it was just it was just keeping it in was just not doing any good and and um It took me a long time though. I I know there was a lot of people that they were like sorry I didn't see it and all that and my you know parents they all felt like crap because they didn't see anything happening and I just I told them I'm like I I wouldn't change anything because I wouldn't have ever like things all these things would have had to line up perfectly for me to even meet my wife and have kids and like like so and I and I I've gone through stuff since all that that I went through that I can look back like you had and and just be like I've gone through worse, I can make it through this. So when you can figure out a way to reframe that to uh sort of why me to okay, why did God put this? Why did God pick me? That it's it's more of like you're the the victor instead of the victim. Right. But I wish I would have had I wish I would have had faith in my life a lot earlier in life. I've I started like maybe in 2024, so it's you know, I went twenty plus years of not having any kind of faith and just it was all on me and what brought you to your faith? Too many coincidences just started happening, man. That's really what it was. Um I mean it goes all the way back to like I I used to go hunting with my wife's family up in White Bird, and then we I had a falling out with the people that they were with, so then I started going hunting with a guy from a golf group at the prison, and he took me to a spot up in the Trinities where I started glassing elk, and then I was like, Oh, I want to go hunting there, and then um the next year I had started archery hunting that unit, and then two years later in 2020, I took my dad archery hunting up there, and we just randomly walked out this one ridge, and I met this random dude in the middle of the woods and found out he was also in law enforcement, he was probation and parole, so we're kind of under the same jurisdiction, and so we became friends, and over the next three years we kept talking, and in 2023 was when I stopped drinking. I started doing my weight loss program uh to lose my weight, and I hired a mentor, like a business mentor, it's like like mindset guy. And he he's like, We need to do like a deep dive of everything that you've gone through in your life to see if there's anything from your past that's gonna block your success in your future. He's like, I know you've mentioned a little bit about your stepmom, like we need to dive into that, and I was like, No, I don't wanna I don't want to talk about that. That's that's that's I'll just sweep it under the rug, you know? And he's like, Well, that's not really how this, you know, is gonna help you out in the future, but alright, I mean like you're the I can't make you talk about it, so I was like, alright. That was like on a Friday, and the very next day was my buddy's wedding that I met in the middle of the woods. So we go to his wedding, my wife and I, and um we're like all looking back to where the bride's gonna walk out of the barn. It was an outdoor wedding. And there was a parking lot right next to it, and then um, yeah, so everybody's looking back, and then my stepmom from like my childhood had started walking through the the uh parking lot, and I was like just shaking and told my wife I was like or she asked me, she's like, What's wrong? And then I was like, It's my stepmom. She's like, What do you mean? I was like, from my childhood, like, and uh so luckily it was a really hot wedding outside, so they got done in like 10 minutes, and I went to the car after they were done, and my wife went and sat at our table, and I was calling my dude, and I was like, Hey man, I don't know what's going on here, but my my stepmom just popped out the one I didn't want to talk about yesterday, and he's like, Well, I guess this is like your cow in buffalo situation. You can run from the storm or you can run into it, either way it's gonna catch up with you. So I guess I just started like from that point on, just started looking into everything, and it it still took me like another year from then and then to start going to church, but there were just too many, too many coincidences that happened, and I was like, I gotta start looking into this, and then um yeah, I think I think I just once I started this this uh coaching, the the fitness coaching, I just made a post about like some of the hard stuff I've been through, and I don't know why I made that post because of the coaching thing, but they wanted you to start like just showing that you weren't just a coach, like you've gone through some stuff or whatever, and I just picked that one to tell people like I've gone through some stuff, I didn't handle it correctly. I started eating a lot, and that's how I gained a lot of my weight, and and um you know I've been where you're at. So that's wild. So uh yeah, it just kind of kind of all came out, but and so like for me that whole breaking generational curses thing has been a big thing for me because I know that if I didn't have if I didn't solve the the abuse or the the overeating or any of those things, I was gonna pass all this off to my kids and it was just gonna either fall on them to handle or they were just gonna keep passing it off. So so I mean that's that's kind of the bigger thing too of why my wife and I started going to church as well, was that we wanted to have our kids have some kind of a faith and um making their own decisions when we're not being able to you know feed them their decisions to do, have some kind of set of morals, and sure. I'm I'm so glad I had faith though when I left my job because just knowing that God's got a plan when there's times where we're just you know trying to figure out money and like your first year of business, I thought I'd be just rolling in money and you know I leave in a 40-hour job and I'll have all this extra time and now I'm working 80 hours and and not making hardly you know what I was making, but I still got faith and I know that like just you know keep doing the right thing and and keep tithing and you know just you know do what you gotta do. Surround yourself with the the right people that call you up, not call you out, and uh you know it's just been things just keep falling into place and I meet the right people and I love that. Yeah, I'm still still pretty new in my faith. I haven't read the whole Bible yet, but we're we're working on it. It's alright.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:56

It takes time, man, especially if you're taking the time to like absorb what you're reading, you know. I mean, it's I mean, and uh you could read a verse or just you know, a few words, right? And you could sit in it for a week, you know. I mean, it's a lot of people don't understand that, you know. I mean, it's like and a lot of people don't take the time to understand it, you know. I mean, and sometimes technology's good, sometimes it's bad. But I'll tell you what, there's so many times where I'm like copy and paste, you know, from my Bible app to Chat GBT or or Google or something, I'm like, man, what am I missing here? You know, and yeah, and just really break it down. And and I could sit in that for a few days and just be like, all right, you know, like how does this pertain? There's no wasted words in the Bible, yeah. Yeah, 100%. You know, and it's and it helps you, you know, really create that foundation that I was talking about, you know. I mean, because it's like, I mean, you can read it. I mean, you can read it just like you read your kids' books every night, you know, like like it means nothing, you know, but like if you're absorbing it and really grabbing a hold of what's trying to be taught and what lesson is behind that, and there's so much and so little, you know. I know that sounds weird, but you know, you can take that much and turn it into a football field, you know, and and that's one thing that I've really had to grasp, you know, because I didn't really grow up in the church either, you know. I mean, like I had to find it multiple times, you know, and it's been one of those things where you know, I've been I've been tested, I've I've failed, I've fallen off of the bandwagon, I've you know, stepped away, you know. I mean, I've had multiple situations where, you know, I shouldn't have pulled away, you know, because all the signs were right there, but I did, you know, and and that's where you know, like having that foundation, you know, like what you're talking about going into business or going into fatherhood or going into, you know, being a husband, you know, if you don't have that foundation and you don't have that belief, it's so easy for you to just take control and put yourself here, right? And then before you know it, you know, like kids' sports and you know, money and and the relationship and everything, before you know it, God's down here and you're like, oh crap, you know, like what am I missing? You know, then you start getting all these left hooks and these right hooks, and you're like, man, I can't catch a break. Well, you know, when God starts to get make his way back up to the top, is when like what you're saying right now, I mean, the blessings will start to show themselves. You know, always everything will always work out, you know, and it's it's sometimes it's really hard, you know. Like, I mean, I know when I didn't get to see my kids for, you know, those those few months, you know, I was like, holy cow, you know, like God, like what is the lesson in this? Like, I've seen my kids every day, you know, since all of them were born, and now you take them away for a few months, but that was the problem, is I blamed him, you know, like, and that was me putting myself above God and taking control of the situation. And it's like I finally had to step back and be like, what are you trying to teach me here? You know, like like you've already written this story, you know what the outcome is. Like, how can I lead to that ultimate outcome that you want me to, you know, like pursue? And uh man just made it so much easier. I had peace with it, wasn't easy, you know, but I just had peace with it, you know. I was like, okay, like, you know, like I know God has a plan and it and it's gonna work out, you know. I mean, because it's you know, it's so hard, especially as men, you know, with pride and ego and and everything that men struggle with, you know, it's like unless we don't have it or we can't see it, you know, it's so hard to to just understand, I guess, you know, I mean, because it's like, I mean, you know, we can't see God. I mean, we could see his word, you know, like through the book, but we can't ever see him, you know. So it's like, you know, a lot of people like they use the term faith as in like, oh yeah, I got faith, I got faith, I got faith. Well, it's like, what is faith, you know, like believing in something you can't see, you know, like but knowing through signs and through trials, tribulations, and overcomings that, you know, it's it's there. And until you surrender, man, it's you know, you won't see the blessings, you know, and and that's hard, you know, going into business and going into leadership or management, you know, it's what's your job, right? I mean, you have to lead that business, you have to make that business happen, you have to advertise, you have to, you know, and like that's the thing is you have to, you know, like, but you know, if you don't, you know, I know for me, right? When I went into my business, I was fortunate enough, you know, like I had flipped a handful of houses, I had the funding to fund my business, you know, cash at the start, uh, and then I left my employer at the time. But I mean, I had$600 in the bank account, you know. Like, I mean, if you called me and wanted me to build you something, I mean, it was like, well, can you front the medal? Because I can't, you know, type of thing, you know. So it was like, um, but man, you know, like I just I trusted that, you know, God would make it work, you know, and he did for 10 years. And I could still be doing it if I wanted to, you know, like, but I got to a point where you know I finally was able to like see the priorities in the order that I was supposed to see them, you know, and money's good, but family and time and memories are ultimately what's there. It's not so much the asset, it's not so much the the item, right? I mean, because you know, as fathers, right? I mean, we see it all the time. We'll buy our kids something, and man, there's all sorts of excitement for a day or two, maybe a week, and then it just kind of, you know, and then they want, you know, like it's like, okay, well, I had that, but now I want this, you know, and it's like, okay, well, as adults, we're kind of the same way. Same way, yeah. You know, like, you know, we we get a house and it's like, oh, cool, I own a house now. And it's like you unexpectedly find out you're having another kid, right? Oh man, we have a three-bedroom house and I already got two kids. Like, well, now we're gonna be a bedroom short, and now I want another house, you know. Like, okay, but is that a need? You know, like or a want, you know, and it's one of those deals where, you know, it's there's so much that can be taken so easily, you know, that means nothing, right? I mean, like one of my things when I'm I look back at pictures, you know, of me laying, you know, hooked up to the machine, the machine breathing for me, the machine, you know, controlling my heartbeat, you know, like everything. I mean, I'm just fully hooked up living on a machine. And it's like, I look back and I thought back, I was like, okay, like, you know, I had a brand new truck, I had a nice toy hauler, you know, I had street bike, I had dirt bikes, I had horses, I had this nice house on property, and that's like, oh, that meant nothing in that moment. Meant nothing, you know, like was that all that stuff gonna save me? Even if we sold all of it, was it still gonna save me? No. Like, I mean, it wasn't, you know, so it's just one of those things where it's like, you know, that mindset of priorities and wants over needs and and what's important, what's not, you know, it's huge, you know. I mean, and it's so difficult, you know, because the quote unquote American dream, right, is you know, have a house, have a family, have your kids, have a successful job, have a savings account, you know, and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And it's like some of the most grateful, thankful, and happy people I know are struggling like crazy. I mean, they're lucky if they get a cup of noodles every night, right? But they are so thankful, so grateful. They know the word better than anybody, they serve more than anybody. And I'm like, man, you know, like, what am I doing? You know, it's like I've been given so much, but yet my priorities are always in more, or how can I get this, or you know, why does that matter? You know, I mean, it's like, because that's that's not what we're called to do, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:21:02

I mean, yeah, I've heard that a lot too about like people going on missions trips and they'll go to like these third world countries and they'll just the people that go there will be crying and and just be like they're not they're not crying because they're like sad for them. They're sad before themselves of like how happy they are with nothing, and they're ungrateful for everything that they have, and and to just be as happy as them, they have nothing, but they have, you know, just to be able to just to be able to share that experience with them, and they're so happy to meet them, and and they're over there stressing about whether they're gonna get the new cars, or you know.

SPEAKER_01 1:21:38

Well, and they're stressing about, hey, how am I gonna actually get a drink of water today? Yeah. It's like, you know, perspective, you know. I mean, I don't know if you have, you know, ever seen or heard of Sam Childers. Uh they call him the machine gun preacher. Uh they made a movie about him that's pretty Hollywood eyes, but uh good Christian guy. Um if you ever get a chance to look into it, it's just a beautiful story. But um he was an outlaw biker, drug dealer, alcoholic, but he owned a construction business that was pretty successful. Uh was married to a stripper. Uh she was into drugs and all that stuff. She found God, uh, turned her life around. And then uh Sam ended up finding God. Came home one day, sold his construction business, sold all their assets, and moved him and his, I think he had one or two kids at the time, uh, over to Africa and started orphanages with his money. Um and now he's got like 30 plus orphanages over there. Uh they call him the machine gun preacher because he's very, very well known for stopping the trafficking of kids, like, you know, because over there, you know, like they'll steal kids out of villages and then take them and traffic them, right? Um so they throw them in these, you know, box trucks essentially and try to, you know, transport them. Well, he would ambush these box trucks and he carried a machine gun, right? Hence where he got his name. Um, but he saved thousands of kids. Um, he's adopted a few of the kids that, you know, like have been through the struggles. But it's just a beautiful story of like when I say surrender and trusting God's plan, I mean it's just such an amazing story of like what it means to just be like you know, and give it all over, you know. I mean, because he literally gave up a beautiful house, successful business, I mean, comfort and everything, and put him and his family in danger to go serve, you know, and and he's been blessed, you know, like tenfold, you know, since. And it's just and that's how it is, you know. I mean, if if God calls you and you listen, the the blessings that come out of it are just amazing. And and I know for me right now, I'm having to hold on to that because you know, I created this life right in my head of what it's gonna look like, you know, and and I'm a planner, I write things out every day. I write out my daily plan, and it's like it's not only is it for me, but it's like I like to feel accomplished. So like if I can check stuff off my list, you know, like even if it's like something that randomly came up, like I'll still write it on my list just so I can check it off, type of thing, you know. So I've always had these like mindsets, you know. I remember being 17 years old, single guy, no, not even a future thought of having kids, but already buying cowboy boots for my kids, you know, like because I knew that it was gonna happen. So I was like, well, I'm just gonna prepare now, you know. So I started just jumping the gun. And uh so for me, it's like at this point in my life, and I'm 37, you know, like that 40-year-old mark, like I have this vision in my head of where I should be and what I should have, and and that's been completely changed. You know, I mean, completely changed. And to me, that's hard because the control side of, you know, like me as a man and as a leader and and whatever, is like, well, we can't change that, you know, like you gotta make it happen. But, you know, like from a faith and and and foundational standpoint of, you know, like Jesus, it's like, why does it matter? I mean, like, it doesn't matter what I want, you know, like what is he trying to show me? Where's he trying to take me? You know, like does he want me to be homeless? Does he want me to have this? Does he want me to, you know, like I mean, it doesn't matter. Like, I mean, man, I'm just like, take me where you need me. You know, let me serve how I need to be served, you know. And and for me, I didn't ever want to share my story. Um, because again, I mean it's it's embarrassing, you know. I mean, I've you know, some people will look at me different. That's fine. Yeah, you can, you know, but you know, the one thing I'll tell anybody that wants to judge me or whatever is like I'm still a child of God, you know, like and and my heart's in the right place, and I'll still love you whether you don't love me or like me, you know, like I mean, and you know, it's uh it's hard, you know, I mean, because it's as a man, right? You know, like you want to get in fight mode and like, you know, defend yourself. I've learned now that it's like, well, what am I defending? You know, like God put me through that and gave me these struggles and these trials to shape me. And it's like, like you said, you know, if it's one person, that's enough. You know, I mean, so it's like if I could hit one person with my message and just say, hey, you know, like you are enough, and you may not know me, but my Instagram, my Facebook, my door, or my phone are always open for you, bring it on, you know, because I'll never say no, you know, and to me that's like that's what I need, and that's what I've needed, and I didn't necessarily have it, not because it wasn't there, because I didn't seek it, right? So, you know, like you know, if people are sitting there with depression, a gun in their mouth, you know, like wanting to overdose, wanting to drink themselves to oblivion, wanting to just be an angry, aggressive person, like, and don't do it, you know. I mean, just reach out to somebody, you know, I mean, because you know, like people that have truly been through something and have overcome something want to help people, you know, like I mean, uh famous line that I love is you know, like hurt people love people, you know. I mean, 'cause they do, you know, I mean, I know for me it's like one of the hardest things I've had to overcome too is like forgiving the people that had done what they did to me. You know, like I mean, do I have thoughts that cross my mind of like, man, I'd love to jaw jack them or something? Like all the time. But would I? No, I would just love them. You know, I mean, like, that's what I'm called to do. Like, I mean, will I defend myself if a situation comes up? Absolutely. But I mean, I'm not gonna hate people, you know, for their mistakes, right? I mean, you know, the Bible says, you know, like Lord, they they don't know what they're doing, you know, like, you know, forgive them. You know, I mean, it's it's amazing that not only what God has given and sacrificed for us, but I mean, a perspective that a lot of people don't think of is like just because it might be on some pages in a book, it's like, could you imagine, Matt, like sending one of your sons like right now and just say, hey, that neighbor is really messing up and I need you to go die for him.

SPEAKER_00 1:28:49

No, I can't imagine.

SPEAKER_01 1:28:51

Crazy. You know, like so, like that perspective for me, it's like I mean, I will fight and do whatever I have to do for my kids. So the fact that like God loved each and every one of us enough to be like, I'm gonna give like my most prized possession, my son, you know, like, and my heart, and he's gonna die for you, like insane. You know, like it's just mind-blowing. Like, but a lot of people just can't grasp that because it's just oh it's just words, it's just words. It's like Yeah, a man wrote 'em. Yeah. Yeah. Well well, put yourself in that situation, right? I mean, like, you know, like if you were being hung on a cross and stoned and beaten, and you know, you were just torn to shreds. I mean, and you're hanging there and you say, I f I forgive him and I love you.

SPEAKER_00 1:29:46

And you have the power to stop it at any time.

SPEAKER_01 1:29:48

Yeah. Huge. You know, like, why can't I do that? You know, I mean, like, last time I checked, I have a heartbeat, you know, and a breath, you know. So, like, why can't I do that? You know, I mean, so that's the the perspective that I want to have in life, you know. Like, I mean, I don't care where you come from, what you've done, what you're going through, who you are, man, I'm gonna love you, you know, like, you know, and even when you mess up, I'm gonna love you. You know, I mean, that's what we need, you know, and I wish more than anything that you know, like more people could get into that mindset. And I'll tell you that it hasn't been easy for me, you know. Like, I've had to forgive myself before I could forgive others, which is hard, right? Because so many things are choices, you know, like and so many people won't forgive choices because you had to think about these things to do them, right? But that's the power of the devil, you know. I mean, sin is always more fun and more beautiful and more appealing than doing the right thing, you know. I mean, might be more rewarding, right? I mean, there might be more money that you can get from it, you know, there might be more gratitude, or you know, like, I mean, whatever, you know, like I mean, you might you might get so much more out of the sinful thing initially than doing the right thing. And, you know, and that's it's a hard, hard, hard theory to grasp, you know, and and you know, growing up, like I wasn't always, you know, like a super honest kid, you know, like I mean, you know, I was seeking validation because I was beat up, you know, a lot for being fat. You know, I was the fat kid, you know, and and the only way that I could get people to like me was to fight, you know, and it's like what a miserable way to live. You know, I mean, like, I literally like people would make fun of me, people would make fun of me. All I wanted was friends, and it's like I pretty much had to get to a point where I had to prove a point to be liked, you know. And it was uh it's just very depressing, you know. I mean, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:32:01

No. What was it that initially made you switch and want to tell your story? Or even go on a podcast and tell your story?

SPEAKER_01 1:32:10

You know, I realized that what I said earlier, right? I mean everybody's going through something, you know, and and you know, I know that God's forgiven me. I know that God doesn't judge me. And I've learned that the people that will judge or critique or or you know, hate you for something, you know, that you've been through are typically the ones that probably need it the most. You know, and uh for me I've gotten to a point where like I finally accept just just who I am and how I am, you know, like and how God created me in this perfect image, and that's enough. You know, like I mean, you know, whether you like me or not, you know, or whether you accept me for what I've been through or not, you know, I mean, it's doesn't change. Like I always know that God does, and that's enough for me, right? So understanding that people are all going through something, understanding that people need what I didn't have or what I didn't seek in these situations, um, understanding that, you know, the stories may not always be in alignment, but the outcome and the the foundation and the need is always the same, you know. I mean, to me, that's been enough for me to, you know, roll my pride and my ego and my humility aside and be like, man, you know, like accept me as I am, you know, like am I embarrassed or ashamed? No, I was, you know, like, but I'm not, you know, like, and to me, it's like I wish that I had somebody, you know, in these instances that I could relate to, you know, like, but it wasn't that there wasn't somebody, it's just I never sought it out, you know, like so. To me, it's like, man, if I could just get it out there, you know, and if there's somebody going through what I went through, you know, whether it be the attacks or whether it be my accidents or or my divorce or whatever, like, man, like, you know, let me help, you know, like because I needed help and I need help, you know, like, and you might be the difference I need, you know, like I mean, but if you look at me on the streets, you're either not gonna want to approach me because I look like a criminal, or you want to approach me for some random reason, you know, whatever, but like just know that, you know, like you know, your story is gonna impact me just as much, whether it's big or little. I mean, like, you know, if if your heart's pure and your heart is genuinely wanting to help people and be there for people, then you know, it doesn't matter what you're going through. I mean, you will sit and you'll be that ear and you'll be that shoulder for for people, you know, and and man, I I just can't, you know, advocate enough. I mean, I've I've had in the last year, I've had seven people that I know that have committed suicide. One was fairly recent. Um a friend of mine, Max, his son, uh Tristan recently took his life. He's a Marine totally nobody had any idea. Just out of the blue, took his life. And it's it's like, why? You know, like we don't get the opportunity to ask them at this point, but you know, maybe he needed to hear a story that you know was relevant that you know somebody overcame by doing a certain thing, or maybe he needed somebody to open that door for him to reach out, or maybe he needed somebody just to reach out, right? To keep him from doing that. But you know, I mean, like I said, I know when I was sitting there at that point wanting to just end it all, I mean, the last thing I want to do is talk to somebody, you know, like I mean, but the strength that it takes to reach out to somebody not only will show you really who your friends are and and and where people's hearts are at, you know, but it's it takes more strength to reach out and humble yourself and ask for help than it does to actually do the act. You know, like and I know that sounds crazy because I mean, you know, you're talking life over, you know, like already alive and just asking something, but you know, the the humility and and being humble enough to do that is huge. But I mean, you know, nobody wants to lose somebody to to suicide or or overdosing or or alcoholism or whatever, you know, I mean, because it's I don't want to use the word selfish, um, but I know for me, when I thought about my situation after the fact, I couldn't believe how selfish it was for me to even put myself in that situation. Because I was like, what about my kids? You know, what about you know, my my wife at the time, like, what about my workplace, you know, like what about my church? What about you know, like, and I was like, all because it was it was just about me, you know, like and I was like, holy cow, you know, like I mean it wasn't so much like you know, like like that I hate that I was there because it shaped me, but at the same time, it was it was just hard for me to I think out of embarrassment or whatever it might have been to to put myself in the situation to be like, man, you know, like I need help, you know, but nobody's like you said, nobody's gonna understand, nobody's gonna believe me. You know, like I mean, even though you got police reports and medical records and you got all this proof, nobody's gonna believe me. You know, like I mean, but at the same time, it's like, you know, like you gotta try. You know, I mean, you know, it's suicide's such a big thing, man. And I I'm a huge advocate of, you know, like the you know, like veteran suicide awareness. And you know, for me, like, you know, like the I got your six thing, right? I mean, like, it's not just a military terminology. I mean, it's like, you know, when you say you got somebody six, it's like you always have their back. You know, whether it's good, bad, or indifferent or in between, you know, I mean, like you have their back. You know, and it's like for me, it's like I use that term quite often, you know, because it's like, you know, I do, I do have your back, you know, because I may not be or have gone through exactly what you're going through, but like I can relate to what it means to be on highs, on lows, you know, substance abuse, depression, you know, anger, frustration. I mean, like, I've experienced all these emotions, you know, like so let me help you, you know, like you can help me and I'll help you, you know, type of thing, you know. So, um, you know, so going back to your original question, it's man, I just you know, I got to a point where it's like it doesn't matter what people think, it's it matters how can I make a difference, you know, and that's what I'm called to do, you know. I mean I'm called by God to do that, and as a man to do that, yeah, as a father, you know, as a leader, you know, and that's what I'm gonna do, you know, come hell or high water, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:39:54

I realize too, people are gonna judge you either way. Right. So if there's and even and I think one thing for me too when I started faith was uh like they judge Jesus who was a perfect man. Yeah. So if they're gonna judge someone that's a perfect man, then why are you afraid of all of your faults when they want to do it? 100%. Either way, they're gonna judge, so you might as well be doing something for good than to just hold it in. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, that's amazing, man. Thank you. Incredible story, and and uh I I'm sure God's got some amazing things lined up for you to put I mean he doesn't ever waste a pain. What's uh what's next for you? What do you want to do?

SPEAKER_01 1:40:35

Um I'm at this point, you know, I'm like things like this are are huge for me, right? I mean, I want to I want to do more outreach. I want to, you know, share my story, I want to be able to to help people. Um so you know, I'd like to start getting into, you know, like speaking at churches and and things of that nature, you know, about it, you know, and men's groups and and I mean for me it's like gosh, I mean, even in like like marital groups, right? You know, because a lot of the stuff I went through was marriage-based, you know, I mean, and that's what started a lot of it, you know. And um, you know, I just I mean, I just want to serve. I just want to serve people, you know, and you know, put up put aside the selfish tendencies, you know, and realize what I have is enough and God's gonna give me what he wants me to have. But I am just driven towards people, you know. I mean, like I I want to make a difference, you know, and and whether that's through the prison ministries, whether that's through the church, whether that's through an atheist group, I don't really care, you know. Like, I mean, I'll stand before anybody, you know, because I I truly believe that God has my back and and I know that this is where God's calling me right now is to to get this out, you know, and not only is it helpful for me and you know helps me grow and overcome this stuff, but you know, again, going back to what we said, it's like you know, I just I just want to help people, I want to be present, you know, and and I do have this vision of um you know starting in the future. I have I've started a little bit of mapping out some business plans, uh, things of that nature for like a nonprofit, um, you know, like like PTSD suicide type of awareness program for people. Um and it doesn't necessarily have to be I wouldn't call it like a rehab facility, but um something along the lines where it's like programs that can help people, you know, connect with like-minded people, um, connect through different activities, whether it's hunting, fishing, motorcycles, weightlifting, you know, whatever it might be, um, just to build relationships relevant to you know, just life. You know, I mean, like, and I know there's a few groups in the Valley that are doing similar things, but they they don't get deep, you know, and and I think that's like I want my program to be, I guess you can compare it to like a counseling type of group, you know, to where you know it's confidential within the group, but you know, we're all there to support and love and and you know, be the backbone, but also have everybody six, you know. Like, I mean, it's that fallback, it's that brotherhood or sisterhood, you know, essentially if it gets to that point, um, to where people can do life together and rely on each other, like, man, you know, like I'm struggling financially. Well, let's rally, you know, like hey, I'm struggling in my marriage. Well, let's figure it out, you know, like hey, my kids, I need help. Let's figure it out, you know, like whatever it might be. You know, I want it to be like a like a nonprofit group to where you know people can truly rely on each other. And again, I've started the the works of it, you know. I've got my hands full with a lot of other stuff right now, so I won't say it's on the back burner, but it's essentially something that I'm working on for sure.

SPEAKER_00 1:44:05

Yeah. But yeah, I think it's a very uh needed thing. There's so many dudes that just go through life alone and and just try and try and wrench it down themselves and and then all that pressure would just weighs in you if you don't have any outlet to talk to someone or bounce ideas off of, you might do something stupid and sure and uh or take it out on different substances or things that you think are gonna solve your issue and it just amplifies it. 100%. Yeah, I I uh I definitely got some uh experience with with trying to do stuff alone and just realizing you're you're fighting a losing battle. Like you were your your uh your own experiences have got you to this point. So like if you just keep using yourself, you need you need to like widen your horizons or hear from somebody else that's gone through something that can help you out. I mean that's why mentorship is such a big thing. Is uh there's so many other people out there that have gone through experiences that can help you go through it, and you if they've they've gone through 10 years of of that pain, but now they can give you a solution to cut down on all that time. Sure, you can make more money, you can't get more time back. Exactly. And that's that's the thing with I've just had to notice in the last going into business is like hire a mentor, you know, like you don't want to go through that pain yourself. No, it's that's like on a business side, but even even like hire high just surround your just surround yourself. You don't even have to hire people, but get into the right groups, surround yourself with like-minded people or people that were you want to go, people that you admire, like and and understand their mindsets or or what you need to do, because surface level is just so terrible to to look at. There's so much more underneath the iceberg that people have gone through that can share so much wisdom on. But I really I really like your your whole outlook on everything that you went through, man. Like that's I know a lot of people wouldn't have been able to make it that strong.

SPEAKER_01 1:46:15

Well, like I said, it's it's not me, man, it's God. You know, I mean and I you know, I I wish I could say I had this crazy, you know, support group behind me, but I mean it was God, you know, 100%. You know, I mean without God, I mean, I definitely wouldn't be here, and I guarantee that. You know, and he's he's changed every perspective in my life. And you know, the the gratitude and the thankfulness I have for that is just it's just tenfold, you know. I mean, like I I've been through enough now that like if I ever catch myself slipping or to the point where I'm like, I'm just gonna control it, or you know, it's up to me to, you know, figure this out. It's like I'm finally at a point now where I can be like, no, God's got it, you know, I'm just gonna ride the wave, you know. I mean, and it's it's not easy, right? I mean, because it's like, you know, I mean, I've I've told this to employees in the past. It's like trusting in God doesn't mean you just lay in bed until God picks you up out of bed and carries you to work, right? I mean, like, there's certain actions that you still have to do, but being able to wake up and say, I get to go to work today. Not I have to, right? I get to see my kids every other weekend. Yeah. And and, you know, it's like that that mindset, that perspective, you know, like gratitude. Yeah, you know, I mean, you know, and I always say gratitude over attitude, you know, I mean, because it's you know, your attitude and and ungratefulness and unthankfulness can make any situation miserable. You know, I mean, it's it's crazy, you know. I mean, but it's you know, like when I shifted to the I get to mindset rather than I have to, everything changed. You know, like I get to go to dinner tonight, I get to have the ability to, you know, come do this podcast, you know, like I get the ability to go to the gym, you know, like and a lot of that is is it's like it might sound silly because that's just day-to-day stuff, but it's like, well, guess what? When I was breathing on a machine and my heart was beating on a machine, I didn't get to, right? Yeah. You know, so it's I get to do that now, you know, not by my strength, you know, but by God's strength, you know, and and to me it's you know, it's so easy to just fall captive of you know the the negative thoughts and the oh man, my bills are stacking up and and I can only pay four out of the five this month or whatever. Well, I get to pay four out of the five this month, you know, like is it ideal? No, but I get to, you know, and a lot of people don't get to, you know. I mean, a lot of people don't get the opportunity to go out to dinner, you know, a lot of people don't get the opportunity to have a gym or gym membership. A lot of people don't get the opportunity to have a vehicle, you know. I mean, simple things in life that you think that are just almost given, but they're not, you know, they're all blessings. Whether you drive a new car or an old car, you go to a nice gym or an old gym, you know, you eat steak and lobster, or you eat a hungry man TV dinner, like you get to do those things, you know. And yeah, and you know, for me it's you know, going through my medical stuff and my attacks, you know, I shifted my mindset as I got to go through that stuff for a reason. You know, like did it hurt? Yeah. Did I want to? No. But I got to, and I get the opportunity now to, you know, help serve and you know, potentially be a difference in somebody's life. And That's enough for me, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:50:01

Yeah. So Dang dude. Is it a good spot for people to reach out to you? Like what's the best?

SPEAKER_01 1:50:08

My phone, my Instagram, my Facebook. I mean, excuse me, I mean all those. I mean, you know, I'm I'm always I'm always able to connect through all that stuff. I mean, you know, I mean, I have an open door policy. I mean, like, you know, you want coffee or you don't feel comfortable talking over the phone, I'll meet you wherever, you know, like and you know, and I'll meet you how you need to be met, you know. Like, I mean, if you're like, hey, I don't like that shirt or your jeans you're wearing, like I'll make sure that you're comfortable with how I meet you, you know, I mean, because I don't want to be, you know, this intimidating or whatever factor. You know, it's I want you 100% comfortable to to be open and honest, and and because again, I mean, that's how I am. You know, I mean, I haven't always been that way, out of fear and out of whatever, but a lot of it was was because I was looking at situations as in okay, well, you know, like he's in better shape than I am, so like why would he listen to anything I have to say? Or you know, and it's kind of a silly mindset, but you know, like I want people to know that man, I I'm not judgy. Like, I mean, I love everybody, you know, like, and and I always will, you know, I mean, and for me, it's like, you know, if you just need to sit, I mean, I don't, I don't know, I don't feel awkward, you know, around people. So if you just want to sit and flick your fingers, yeah, fine, I'll sit with you. You know, like I mean, it's better than to do it with me than do it alone, you know. I mean, it's just because again, I've needed that, you know, I've needed, I there was a point where I couldn't even get out in words how I was feeling. So I would avoid people and I would avoid situations, but it's like, man, if I just had somebody that was just sitting with me, like, hey man, I'm with you. Sit silent for hours, I'm still with you. You know, like that's enough, right? I mean, like, because at least you have presence, you know, at least you have comfort in knowing that you know you're not alone, you know, and it's and for me, it's like, you know, some people can read the Bible and feel that. I'm more of a visual hands-on, blue-collar type of person, so it's like I need it, you know, like present, you know. So it's like, you know, like I said, whether it's hey, like, I'm in Ontario, I know you're coming from Nampa, like, but and I just need a hug. Cool. Guess what? That gives me the opportunity to to take a little drive and give you a hug and feel good. Maybe I need that hug too, you know, like that's enough, you know. So yeah, like I said, Instagram, Facebook, my phone, you know, like I said, I mean, everybody has my phone. It's a business phone, so everybody has it. You know, so um, you know, I mean, I just I just want to be there for people, man. You know, I mean, be what I didn't think I had, you know, through my situations. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:53:08

Be the person you needed at your darkest times. Yeah, 100%. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. That servant mindset is a is a big is been a big switch. Once you get to start like, how can I serve others? Yeah. Not worrying about myself. I think that was like when I first started business, it was definitely definitely like self-serving. Sure. And then uh you know, enough time and enough listening to other people on on the Bible and and uh just that servant mindset and and you gotta you know take care of others, and that's what we were put on this earth to do is to take care of others. It's never been about yourself. Yeah. The only self you're supposed to do is have self-control and that's it. Yeah. Well, thanks for coming on, man. I really appreciate it. I'm gonna I'm gonna definitely keep in touch with you because I love what you're about, dude. Well, thank you. It's it's huge and definitely needed.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:03

Yeah, no, I appreciate you and it's what I needed, man. I feel recharged and I feel I feel good. You know, I mean it just feels good to get it out there and you know, and just not hold it in, you know, because I don't get to share it, you know. I'm not gonna walk down the sidewalk with a sign that says, Yeah, you know, whatever, you know. Like, I mean, it gives me the opportunity to get it out there and it's just a breath of fresh air.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:26

Yeah, the longer you hold on to something, the more it hurts. Yeah, that's for sure.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:30

Then you start to overanalyze it and pick it apart, and before you know it, one thing's 30 things, you know, and it's we're not designed to carry that.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:41

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:54:41

Well, thanks for coming on, man. I appreciate it.

SPEAKER_01 1:54:43

Yeah, thank you.