S1:E5 - What's up with #authentic #authenticity

Y'all it took like 9 times (or more) to get this week's podcast up and running. Just some thoughts on what authenticity is for me, and what I thought it was supposed to be.

#authenticy #life #healing #hope

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Website: https://momsstrangemagic.com

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

I've tried all the things I thought it was supposed to be, but found out who I really am. And I did all of this in the nine recordings I have tried to do for this week's podcast. Welcome to Mom Strange Magic, a storytelling podcast where, first of all, I am a delight, and second, everything I'm about to tell you is true. Deep breath in, deep breath out. So yesterday's podcast, which is consistently on Wednesday, was about a topic in genealogy that is not always easy to know about. It is a fact that genealogists know from the very beginner to the most intermediate and to those that have access to secret little things that you might see on the show, finding your roots. Things that are only available to folks that are famous or have a lot of money or resources. And that's something that I could talk about at length. And I just when I woke up this morning, I thought, eh, maybe not, maybe not a good idea due to the state of the world right now and a lot of information coming out about a certain someone, and just how probably, even though it's a topic we all know about, for those that study genetics and those that study genealogy, and really anybody that's in a counseling um or wellness career or genre, um, we know about it. But you know what? The uh sniffer bots and things, they they don't like it because um, yeah, I don't know, for reasons that are entirely their own. And honestly, I can understand that. Um, I'm just literally waiting for something to happen. I feel like I'm in a some kind of Warner Brothers cartoon. Um just, you know, an anvil's gonna fall from the sky or something. Uh currently there is a cat behind me, and I'm sitting on the edge of my chair, so this should be fun. So when I woke up this morning, I thought, you know what, Kim, that you really pushed yourself into that because you were getting replies and comments about genealogy. And while who you are is a genealogist and a genetic genealogist, really that's not entirely what Mom Strange Magic is about. And so I went into this contemplative place of like the word authentic authenticity, like hashtag authentic, and how that has been a detrimental word for me in my growth, not only personally, but professionally, mostly because it's thrown around in a way that it can sometimes be used to diminish people and can make people also wear it as exciting, you know, kind of a jaunty, haughty hat that's like, well, I'm authentic. And the secret here is we are all authentic. Excuse me. See, there it is. We are all being authentic. What we do how we are human is that we learn by observation. So when you are born and you don't really know what to do, and you rely on other people for survival, you watch and observe the environment around you. You immediately come out learning, and side note, you come out shining brightly as the sun and with a good heart and a good mind and a good soul, which you still have, even if you think you don't, or you think others might not have it. But anyway, so watching nature, I've seen so many little bitty babies be born out here that have wings and feathers and claws and hooves and wings, and they crawl across on the ground, and they learn by observing their parents, they learn by observing the community. This means that there is a part of them that has this innate desire to find things to eat, to learn how to fly, to walk on the ground, and so on and so forth, but they aren't sure what to do, so they mimic or imitate those around them. Does that make them inauthentic? No, they are being authentic. Does that mean that they don't have any of their own mind or they're just being part of the collective? Not really. That's no. I mean, they are are they are who they are among the many. They are the they are the universe expressing themselves as a single light among a string of lights. So as I continued pondering and I was like, man, you know, but I've I've really chased authenticity. I wanted to know who I am. I I wanted to, I want the universe, I want a guru, I want this, I want who am I? Well, for the love of all things, I I am who I am. I was given this name. I was given a specific nationality, I was given a specific specific ethnic, you know, there are a lot of things that were given to me that I had no control over, but that doesn't change the fun the fundamental aspect of who I am. And in this journey, you know, I started off with this phrase that I I have tried all the things I thought it was supposed to be and found out who I really am. And I wrote that down uh during my contemplative time when that came to me. Sorry. Oh, if there were visuals, oh, if there were visuals. So and I and I'm all the mistakes that I made, I'm all the mistakes that others made, I'm all the bad choices, I'm all the bad choices that others made. Um, I'm I'm just a buffet of things, and so is everyone else. Every other human that I know is just out here trying to get by in this world. It is uh overwhelming at this juncture. I think it feels even more overwhelming because of things like uh social media and the ability to access information 24-7. So instead of being scared until we learn news uh when we wake up or in the middle of the day, we can you know, we can get up to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night and check our phone and see that indeed we should get we should continue to be scared. But you know, this thing with talking about a subject that everybody knows about, but nobody wants to talk about because it makes us have to look at some things that are uncomfortable about ourselves is you know driven by people that asked questions, which I think you know, whatever, we're not gonna get into the psychology of that, but anyway, and how everything that I've done was something that got me closer to who I am, and it has cost me friendships, it has cost me time, it has cost me community, um, it has sometimes cost me a sense of mental or physical wellness because I was trying to figure out who I was. It's the you know, like I said, uh what is it? The indigo girls have been to the whatever mountain, I've been to the whatever schoolhouse, whatever. Oh good, another cat. I'm telling you all, there's always cats. Like, for let me take a break here. Let me do a real chem thing here and and tell you that just in the course of 24 hours, there have been so many distractions and so many things that have needed that were more important and needed my time. Uh, you know, I think Mercury is still in the lemonade Gatorade Microwave. So whatever, but this is this is how I feel the universe is saying, Hey, hey, how about how about you move this direction? And I'm like, no, no, no. I'm going to do this because then this will cause this, and I will get this, and then this will happen. And the universe is like, how about no? Here comes the cat. How about no? How about Kim? You remember some things. What was it that you set out to do? This is Patches. I don't know if you'll be able to hear her. Uh, she's trying to eat cables. See, this aren't I so lucky that I have four-legged friends that are willing to help me stay on track. So, anyway, hashtag authenticity, uh tongue in cheek and all. So, we learned by observation, and there were all these things that I set out to do. I became an herbalist, I became a midwife, I became a deb death doula, not a deb doula, a death doula. I became a Reiki to the highest magnitude, and then even more into like Crystal and all these splinterist factions that came off of the original. I studied world-based systems. I um I have a lot of certificates. I've certified yoga instructors, certified meditation, certified to teach mudras, certified overwhelmed. And a lot of those things came because came, you know, I came to those things because these were things that I actually needed, like certified holistic health practitioner. Like, yes, I I have the I have the chops for that. Um, you know, wise woman practitioner, just just all of them. So when I need a spiritual counselor, which I love, and we'll just but all the things that I needed along the way, I had to imitate them for myself so that I could get the help I needed because the resources available to me uh were tied up in taking care of my family. And then I tried to go out in the world and you know, uh and be like I'm a jack of all trades, um master of none, better than many, than only just one, or however it goes. I don't know, whatever. And and oh, now Titsy's back. Cats, what is it? There's there's this like viral little video. It's a sound bite where it's you know, if cats follow you, you must be witchy. I'm like, no, yeah, I mean, if cats follow you, it's because they need something, it's because they out of food and they love you. Of course, they'd love you. But um, I mean, I've always I love cats, I love every kind of cat. Um, that is a fact that I love cats. So I put on all of these costumes, all these masks. Here's Kim, the herbalist, here's Kim, the holistic health practitioner, here's Kim, the meditation teacher, here's Kim, the certified storyteller, here's Kim, the blah blah blah blah blah blah blah. And even though that's that wasn't where I exactly wanted to be, I was still being very authentic. And even if I was imitating and mimicking other careers or genres, I was still just me. I was a flawed human doing their best. And in this process to get where I am now, it used to really kind of get under my skin when I would find somebody or sit in community with someone, and I would get all excited and like, here's all the things that I know. And you know, be oh, well, you can't possibly know all that. And I'm like, well, I can, and I do, and I know that's odd, and I know it sounds like I'm bragging, but I'm just really excited to share this with you. And you seem to be interested in herbalism, you seem to be interested in foraging, you seem to be interested in metaphysics, you seem to be interested in this. See, look, I have this cornucopia, this buffet that I'm offering you of information and and probably, you know, a little bit of um of a brain that works differently, you know, just all of this. And so I would put on these masks, and really underneath, I was just like, you know, what I really do is I make things and I help people, which is what my heart's desire was when I was a young kid. People would say to me, you know, as we do, oh, what do you want to be when you grow up? And I'm like, I want to be a saxophone playing non-veterinarian. Hey, good work if you can get it. And uh I've realized that that is that is truly kind of the essence of of where I am. I make things, um, I try to help others, animals, humans, plants, the planet, all of it. And I I do this uh coming from my personal spiritual journey that has been so up and down and all around, but you know, there here I am rocking it. So I you know I here here here I am. And even in that, it didn't make me authentic. So back circling back, pivoting the synergy, um I would get really aggravated when people would say, Oh, yes, I took a 72-hour weekend course, and now I am the same as insert my particular certification that took me months or years or a lot of money, and then they would be able to go out and somehow charge way more than I was and get the clients without a problem, and then I would be sitting here like really trying hard to express myself and to share myself online, and people were like, Well, you if you were a real herbalist, uh, you would you would be doing these things, and I'm like, dude, that's not what real herbalists do. Um, you know, that's that's I don't I don't understand what you're doing. That's that's not my way, but that's that's because it was not my way, and you know, last summer after turning 54 and just having a really long time, you know, that 16-year period of from when the forest gave me this kind of gift curse to a moment where I was able to be like, wait a minute, I've been doing this all wrong, all wrong, um, for me. And then, you know, looking through all of my situations, looking through everything that I've experienced, and I'd be like, Hey, hi, I'm the problem. It's me. It's just I am the problem. And uh, some of you that might be listening to this that have known me for a while would agree. I'm sure that they you have a very nice bullet point, you know, PowerPoint, whatever um presentation that is like, here are all the things that um I don't like about you, and that's okay. I'm not for everyone. Um, at one point I wasn't even for myself, but anyway, and so we we see when others do the things that we do that maybe that is not where we are, and we need to look deeper, we need to see the seed within us, we need to give it fertilizer, we need to nourish it. And one of my in in one of my life paths, I was the manager for the children's department at Barnes and Noble. I was going to be an English teacher, and my goal was to teach in some uh religious-based school on the East Coast, live in a little cottage by myself with my cats and plant lupines, and become like Miss Rumpheus. One of my favorite authors, um, illustrator authors at that is Tommy Di Paella. And there is a book, and uh I believe it's called The Art Lesson, where he is kind of seeing that he's creative, and he goes through this process where he has he's asked to copy something, and he kind of has this internal dilemma like, well, artists don't copy, and you can you can feel the subtext of that, which is yes, artists do copy, they copy their mentors, they copy people that have inspired them, and they copy their own work. Um, they are doing that associated learning, that observational learning, and um, and that whole process, they're still authentic. Oh, if there is a cat, next on Mom Strange Magic video and podcast, the cat show. All cats all day, all the time. Um, and so you know, to kind of bring this little ramble to an end for today is that I want you to know you are authentic. And if you are putting on a mask or a costume, it's no different than when you were young, or even now when you're going to like a costume or Halloween party, and you're like, I'm gonna dress up as um a catzy, tootsie wootsy. I didn't know if you I don't you may be able to hear that. And does that mean that you're not who you are? No, does that mean you're a cat? No, but for that moment, are you a person in a cat suit? Yes, that you're still being authentic. When you go out into the wilds of social media and you see people that are being authentic, it makes me think a little bit about the a great lesson I've learned over life, which is if somebody shows you who they are, believe them, right? And that can be taken in the affirmative, that can be taken in the negative, meaning if they have behavior that doesn't mesh with yours or behavior that does mesh with yours, um, we are gonna we will show you who you are, but if you know, when somebody tells you who they are, like if I have to tell, if someone tells me I'm an honest person, I'm an honest person, I'm an honest person. I'm like, okay, you're an honest person. And um, you know, but then I'm like, okay, why why why don't you just be an honest person? And there's something that my dad said to me many years ago. Um this had to do with someone that was in my life at that time. And after my dad and I had a moment to talk to each other, he said, I think that this person has an eye problem. And I'm like, Oh, I mean, well, they wear glasses, but I don't know if they have a how could you tell they had an eye problem? And he said, Well, they said, I did this and I did that and I don't do that. And he and my dad was like, I don't know anything about this person because all they did was tell me who they were and who they are instead of letting me see that on my own. And I sort of kind of parallel that with you know, this whole authenticity buzzword. And of course, you probably found this because I used the hashtag authentic, hashtag authenticity, because I ain't above, I ain't above a little hook here and there. I swear to you, mom strange magic with cats. And uh I want you to sit with it, and if if that's something that you want to try, you go for it. And you know, try it on a little bit before maybe presenting it to everybody, but uh maybe also just use it as an ingredient for the recipe of you and uh allow it to be some kind of a place where you can put that idea, that that seed of understanding, um, to have it find its own way. You are authentic and I am authentic, and uh no one can tell us uh whether or not we're being authentic. Um they can maybe say, hey, I can see something in there, you're really not, you know, show me more of who you are. And uh, you know, it's just a lot to think about. It's a lot to think about. And you know, after my experience of, you know, and it tries none of us are above uh somebody saying, that's great, now do this. Um you know, we we get caught up in it. We can have a good boundary, we can have a good established perimeter around, but we all get caught up in it from time to time. And we all can be a little performative from time to time. If you ever feel like you are getting like your train is barreling out of the station down the tracks with no brakes, I have found for me that if I just sit for a second and say, okay, is this really what I want? Is this really going to help me be a better person? Is this gonna help me heal the the things that were given to me as I was growing up? Is this gonna heal the things that I have done to upset others? Is this going to help my family? Is this going to enrich us in any way? And if I have to stop and think about it, chances are it's not. And and that goes beyond the anxiety. That goes beyond the I just want to fit in and have people like me. That goes beyond the will this get me, you know, a thousand views on social media. Because in the end, the only thing that we really should be focusing on, I think, um, it's what I focus on, is how can we be kinder to each other? How can we be nicer to each other? How can we understand that even uh that not even, but that everything on this planet is came out perfect and full of love and beautiful and hopeful, and along the way learn how to be who they are. And you know, if you had bad data as a child, because your parents, biological or adopted, however, you know, or the people in your community gave you bad data, um, there's a good chance that you will carry forth that bad data. Sometimes the bad data doesn't present itself in you, your front-facing self. Oh my god. So picture this. Tootsie jumps on one of the high cabinets, then Tootsie jumps down off of one of the high cabinets onto a very low cabinet, knocking things off, messing with cables, and then launched herself onto my desk. So, you know, K Sarah Sarah. Oh, look, I was I was about to do an altar call. I was like, let me just tell you how it is, and the Lord said, and come down and feel the power of the spirit, and just whatever. Anyway, sometimes we just gotta go through life and have these experiences and know that we are loved and so are they, and that we're all just trying to walk each other home. Thank you, Rom Doss. And that we are connected. Like, I don't know, man. My new idea is like I just repeat that in different scenarios, like show up somewhere and have like music in the background and be like, we are all connected. Um we are all connected, and then I'd be like, to this tree. Um, you know, and uh you know, just whatever. So just just know that I see you, and I know it's hard. Heavens above, I know it's hard. Uh right now I feel like it's gonna get harder for a lot of people, especially those that don't have resources, people that don't have insurance, people that aren't able to get food, that can't fix their car, that can't run their heaters, or use a lot. I mean, it's just it's a lot right now. And that's that's authentic. And you know, people say, oh, well, the rich people don't suffer. I'm like, friends, they do. I've known it's like you may not be able to tell by the way that I live my life, um, but my father was pretty wealthy, and uh he was an attorney on the West Coast with a law firm that he and his father uh were a part of, and that somehow a few years ago filed bankruptcy and closed. But anyway, that's I have my suspicions on things about that, but anyway, that happened after my father passed away. But my father was very wealthy, um, and I will tell you right now that that wealth solved none of his problems. Zero of his problems were solved by that wealth. And uh, did we get that wealth? Did I get that wealth, or any of his other children get his wealth? Which this is a story, it's a whole story. Um, the the answer is how about no? We did not. Um we did not. I did not get any of that wealth, uh, you know. Honestly, I don't know what I would have done with that money at the time. Uh, so you know, I think again, this is a case of the universe having a better idea of what was good for me than I did. Um, but the small amount of money that I did receive enabled me to get to where I am now and to have this beautiful house and create this beautiful family and have a wonderful spouse of almost 28 years next week will be the anniversary uh podcast. But anyway, um the Buddha is right, man. All life is suffering, and you may have it a little easier, you may not have to struggle, but just because you have more doesn't mean life is easier. Um, and it doesn't mean that those people are being authentic any more than someone that doesn't have anything. And you know, now I'm gonna wander into philosophical discussions, and uh the cats are trying to tell me that their food bowls are empty now. So oh, I gotta get on that. But before signing off, um I want to send out a lot of thanks to those of you that reached out and said, Hey, I heard your podcast, or hey, I saw this, um, and kind of went through the channels to find me because I haven't made that exactly very easy on purpose until I feel just a little more secure and the the kind of coming back to mom strange magic and coming back to this work. I'm still kind of just feeling it out for myself, and there's no reason to you know be all like, hello my darling, hello my baby, uh, hello my ragtime gal, before I'm ready. Um, that is something that I have learned from myself is that I not only did I put the cart before the horse, I forgot to get the horses, and so um it's it's it's just something that I I have learned I have learned and grown. So in all of that, I hope that you are doing well. I appreciate you listening, and um I will see you next week.