Episode 14 - Nina De Sausmarez - Confidence Coach

Nina has spent her life dimming the brilliance and magnetism she was born with, afraid it might overwhelm others or make them uncomfortable. Behind the humour, boldness, and “zero FCKS” persona lies a woman who actually cares deeply - whose heart has closed at times, but who has always longed to belong and be loved.

Her journey wasn’t easy. She struggled at school, leaving without qualifications and carrying years of shame and self-doubt. For a long time, she compared herself to others, resented women, and hid behind protection and projection. But through courage, self-work, and radical honesty with herself, Nina emerged as the woman she was always meant to be: outrageously fun, magnetically bold, and fully visible.

For Nina, visibility isn’t just about being seen - it’s about joy. Total, unrestrained joy that radiates from the woman who once doubted herself so profoundly. She shares her story so others can recognise that their past is not a life sentence, but a lesson, and that they too can choose how the world sees them — by first seeing and celebrating themselves.

Nina has transformed from an insecure, shy young woman into a bold, joyful force of nature. Her story shows that embracing your brilliance, your heart, and your joy is the key to being truly seen and creating a life you love.

https://ninadesausmarez.com/

https://www.instagram.com/ninadesausmarez/

https://www.linkedin.com/in/shinewithnina234/

www.joannawoodphotography.co.uk
www.instagram.com/joannawoodphotography
https://www.linkedin.com/in/joanna-wood-photography-6747a7235/
https://www.facebook.com/joanna.wood.13/

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:04

Hi, I'm Joanna, and this is Stories from Behind the Mask, the parts we edit out. Every week, I'll be sitting down with entrepreneurs who've built businesses, created legacies, and dare to show up in the world. And we talk about the stories they usually keep to themselves. The doubts, the wins, the personal challenges, the moments that changed everything. This is about being seen, unpolished, and completely real. So, if you're ready for honesty and truth, it's time to share today's story from behind the mask. Hello, Nina.

SPEAKER_01 0:54

Hello, Joe. Hello, how are you? I'm so well. It's sunny and I'm speaking to you, so it's all good.

SPEAKER_02 1:01

Oh, thank you. Yes, the weather's large today.

SPEAKER_01 1:05

It is, please guys.

SPEAKER_02 1:08

Love it. Um, so I want you to tell uh a brief introduction of who you are, what you do, as per, um, and a little bit of backstory about Nina.

SPEAKER_01 1:20

Hmm, oh, okay, right. I'm getting myself all warmed up for that one. So I am Nina. I am just a bringer of confidence and joy. You know, I love to elevate every single person that I hang out with. I think my mission in life is to have people leave my company feeling more confident, more full of themselves, believing in like whatever they want is possible for them every single time they're in my company. Like just good vibes only. And I do that through the medium of coaching. So I, you know, like call myself a confidence coach, but that that doesn't even touch the sides. It's just the label that we have to give the thing to make it marketable, but it is just so much more. Uh, I've been doing it for around seven years now. I work with people all over the world, um, all walks of life, all backgrounds, because uh my strap line, and I love this, is you weren't born to doubt yourself, but how many of us do? Hence how I kind of came into unmast, really. Um, I am obsessed with house music. I am a kitchen raver, I'm obsessed with my dogs. I've got two old fellas, um, two gorgeous grown-up kids, and I eat a lot of cakes, and I'm very proud about it. So that's me in a nutshell. I mean, we could go on, but I'll just kind of just leave it there.

SPEAKER_02 2:34

We see a lot of raving on the on Instagram, don't we?

SPEAKER_01 2:38

Yeah, yeah, that happens, definitely.

SPEAKER_02 2:41

Um, so tell us a bit about your backstory. Um you you talked on on stage at my unmasked event and you said that you hid for a lot of years.

SPEAKER_01 2:59

Yeah, and I think when we think of hiding, we think of um really, really kind of like I'm shy and I'm quiet, but I wasn't. I was hiding the fact that I was vivacious and bold and confident. I didn't really know what that word meant then, but I knew I had this really special energy. I just can feel it, I can feel it everywhere I go. But when I was younger, um I loved to sing and I love to dance, and I got really bullied because of that. I got bullied for lots of reasons, actually. I lived in a home that was very unkempt, there was a lot of kind of like neglect, but there was a lot of love, and um I didn't have the things that other people had, and uh couple that with a lot of acne and a lot of old knackered old clothes, being quite dirty and a bit smelly because I wasn't washed or that that cared for. Um, and then kind of being quite loud and quite confident, it presented itself to other people as like who does she think she is, and so I got bullied really badly. Also grew up in an environment where it was very boundaryless. Um, my dad had left when I was really young, and my mum had mental health issues, and so I was just quite reckless. I was just all over the place, and I didn't have a parent that said, Don't do that, don't go there, don't hang out with those people. So there were lots and lots of ways that I masked who I was, but most of it was I don't want you to think that I think I'm great. So I hid all of my confidence and I and I really own that now. Like, yeah, I do think I'm great. Why wouldn't I? Who wants to walk around every day not thinking they're great? I mean, like, do we get a medal when we when we die that that says, well done, you hid that you thought you were brilliant, and isn't that a magical way to live? So that's kind of my backstory, really. I unmasked it brilliantly, but inside I felt so frustrated at myself because I went through life looking at other people doing really well for themselves, excelling in not just kind of like monetary value, but you know, getting up to really great things. And I always kept myself back. I was um I worked in a spa, I was a brilliant skincare therapist, I never ever went for like San On Leader. I worked in shops, I was great at retail, never ever put myself forward to be a manager. I was a teaching assistant for nine years, never ever, ever once did I consider putting myself up for being a teacher. Inside I did. For everyone that asked me said Nina, be a teacher. I was like, absolutely no way. I was petrified at being great just because of what might happen to me. And so it's really weird when you think of hiding, you know, I hid greatness. That's it in a nutshell. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:44

Did you find that you had to present a version of yourself that actually wasn't you for a long time?

SPEAKER_01 5:55

It's really weird because can you imagine like is it something's come? I'm very visual. Imagine like a fizzy bottle of pop that you shake. I was the shaky liquid inside. I was fizzing to get out and explode, but I had to hold it all in. And I was I was so hyper-vigilant around checking the room that you know, like I was looking at everyone's facial expressions, I was looking, is it okay for me to be in my much mess? Most of the time the signals were no, it's not. Um, but actually how that transpired was I was the funny one. You know, I know you've spoken about that. I was just the joker. I got pissed from the age of 16. I got, I, you know, yeah, not 16, 13. It wasn't 16, it was 13. I started to take drugs. I started to get into really like ways that I could be naughty and express myself as a way of fitting in. I became like sexually active when I was 13 as well. Like everything to kind of like try to get attention. But actually inside, you know, I was just like, oh my god, you know, who I am isn't good enough. I can't be myself. So it's weird because I was funny and I was out there, but secretly hiding that I was good enough because of it, which doesn't actually make much sense when it's kind of when we're trying to logicize it, but when there's a feeling in the body that it's not safe to be you, it was almost like, okay, well, I'll be so much of me that it becomes a persona that I then can act and pretend to be the vivacious, bold, funny one. Actually, it is really who I am. So I was doing the thing that I really wanted to be, but putting on an act being it. So go figure, work that one out. It's a complicated one.

SPEAKER_02 7:42

What do you think that was protecting you from?

SPEAKER_01 7:45

Oh god, being left, being abandoned, being rejected all stems right back to when my dad left when I was two. Any experience like that, you instantly, most of us put two and two together to make five, and you go, Well, there's something wrong with me. The person in my life that I love and adore the most has left. You make that mean, well, that must be because I'm not lovable, I'm not good enough. And so I think that really early experience from my dad leaving really, really shaped me in ways that it wasn't until I got to my 40s and went into therapy that I really realised how much of a profound effect it had had because I just buried it away. Drank and did this and did that and got into trouble and left home and created chaos. I was like, um, you know, the cartoon character, the Tasmanian devil. Yeah, yeah. That was me in human form. I just everything I was horrible, but it was all coming from a place of just deep, deep hurt, and I carried a lot of shame because I used to I used to do pretty awful things, and I carried so much shame about it. And then as I've got older, I've realized, God, you were just really, really hurt. You were just like a really lost little kid, but desperately wanting to be loved, and a bit like a tiger trapped in a cage, you were just lashing out, you were just doing whatever you could. So yeah, there's a you know, it's that early childhood experience shaped me until I was in my 40s, until I went to therapy and oh my god, that's what's been going on. I can just stop blaming myself now, but I can start taking massive responsibility. I remember in my talk for you, it was all about radical responsibility. When I discovered what that was and what it meant, it meant that I could no longer keep on blaming my dad leaving, my mum being chaotic, what people said to me in the playground, my early years of chaos and destruction, I had to start taking responsibility for my life, and that's when everything really changed. But only around 10 years ago, really, Joe.

SPEAKER_02 9:58

That was that was gonna be my next question. When what when was the moment that things started to change for you? Was there a an epiphany, as it were, or did something just sort of you felt like you had to work through what you'd gone through as a child?

SPEAKER_01 10:19

A few things I think happened in kind of like quick succession. The main thing was my mum died. And you know, when you experience anything like that, the wheels fall off. Like there's just like an unraveling, everything that you keep inside when grief is involved, particularly the loss of a parent or someone really, really significant and close to you in your life. Um, and I and again, I went deeper into a path of self-destruction, and it wasn't until my husband and my kids were quite young at the time, pulled me to one side and said, We think you need to get some help. You know, before that, I'd be like, What are you talking about? It's just me being me, it's who I am. You know, again, denial. You know, don't tell me who I am. This is who I am. So there was that. And also my brother, um, he was into self-development. I'd never even heard of it. You know, I I would have been the classic person in the pub if people started talking about coaching or self-development. I would have said, What an absolute load of rubbish. What are you talking about? Of course I know myself. You know, I was that classic person, that closed mindset. And he sent me a book by an American coach called Jen Sincero. I think it's Sincero or Sincero, I'm not completely sure. And it's called You Are a Bad Ass. And in fact, I send it to a lot of people when they start working with me for them to read it. And it's classic, it's really like, you know, a book that you read, and it was literally like she was talking to me in a mirror. And I he sent it to me actually, and I put it down for ages. I didn't even pick it up. I thought, what's that rubbish? I'll get to it one day. Something my mum died, therapy, all the stuff happened, the wheels fell off, and then the book was there. So it is like a little triangle of things. And reading that book again made me, it was like the lights came on, Joe. It was like, oh my god, I can actually choose to be who I want to be. I don't have to be dragging my past behind me in a massive suitcase full of rocks and keep really living it over and over again in my behaviour. And actually, the hardest part was really, really letting go of the idea that it was somebody else's fault that I was who I was. I really grieved about that. I was first of all really angry, then I was really confused, then I was really sad, you know, like what all these years I blamed you, and actually now I can see it's me just repeating the same patterns all over and over again. Now I'm not saying other people don't have a responsibility to play in our lives and shape who we are, but when we're grown ass adults and we're still repeating those patterns with awareness and we're not doing anything to change it, then it becomes an us thing. Um, and that's so that was it. That was kind of like that moment.

SPEAKER_02 12:53

Didn't it feel risky? Letting that old version of what did it feel risky letting that old version of Nina go?

SPEAKER_01 13:01

Oh, yeah, because I loved playing the victim. It was really, really safe. I think one of the things about playing the victim archetype, and it is a character we play, it's not who we are, it's a way of being, you know, like life shit and then you die. It's kind of that kind of why is everything happening to me? She became my safe space. Because if I was always seeing everything from the worst possible outcome, if I was always playing the clown, if I was always making you not like me, it meant I was in control of something. Something. If I could if I could come in and steal your boyfriend or go in your handbag and take money out of your purse, I would have done. That was that was the kind of thing that I used to do, all driven by this stuff that had happened to me, trauma. I didn't know at the time. Um not until I was in my 40s, by the way. That was kind of me, you know, a couple of decades younger than that, but that was kind of where it all started from. Um so I didn't want to let her go because she was really familiar and she was really safe. And I was really scared that if I stopped playing the victim, nobody would check in on me. So I held on to it. What if I stop being everything's wrong with me? Who's gonna pick up the phone? Who's gonna ask me if I'm all right? If I'm not getting really drunk and passing out on the street, nobody's gonna bother knocking on my door. Who actually is gonna want to know me if I just wake up every day and go, life's really good, I'm feeling great? So it became a pattern that I just kept playing out over and over again. I was really scared actually to say goodbye to her. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 14:35

How has it surprised you coming out on the other side out of the other on the other side?

SPEAKER_01 14:41

Oh my god, I love I love my energy. I love this me. Like it's do you know what? There is that part where you you cre you grieve a bit because you're you look back at your life and you see how many years you've wasted that could have been lived in just full expression of who you are and joy, right? Joy's actually my middle name, Joe. Nina Joy de Samares. Yeah, but I was everything but, you know, I just I like I can't be joyful. Who's joyful? They're weird, you know. So um this version of me now, she was always in there. And what's amazed me is actually I'm like a magnet for good people and good things. Like I'm just pulling all of the energy and the lovely things into my life. No wonder lots of bad things kept happening because as a magnet, you retract or repel, you know, I'm really into frequency and energy. And if if I'm playing the victim and everything's rubbish and life's rubbish, and I don't trust you, and you know, think of what I'm drawing in, you know. And so uh what surprised me it is how easy it is to be myself and how hard it was to play the victim. I thought it would have been the other way around. So easy to be Nina, I'm just Nina. Every single day getting up and struggling, life's really hard, nothing good ever happens to me. That's hard. At the time, I thought it was just normal. Yeah, it takes a lot of brain power.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

It takes a massive amount of brain power to pretend to be someone you're not. Yeah, I think my dad said to me once that it takes more muscles in your face to frown than it does to smile.

SPEAKER_01 16:18

It does so much harder. Exactly. That's such a good analogy from what we just spoke about.

SPEAKER_02 16:25

Yeah. So what does well when we met last year, was it last March? Was it March or February? I can't remember now. It feels like a lifetime ago. Like seeing where you've come well, where you were then to to now is such a a 360, it's such a transformation. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 16:49

The the the outlook that I've got on life, I think, Joe, is that you know me now, I know me now, this version of me, who I get to be today, but in six weeks, six months, a year, I'm never gonna be this version of me. You know, you know, we hear all the time on the internet, don't we? Like, discover who you are. It's just discover who you are right now. So even in the time that we met last March, so many life's experiences have been shaping me and changing me and moulding me and evolving me that that version of Nina, she doesn't really exist anymore. Life's, and again, you know, I do a lot of work on identity, and so many people, including me, we we cling on to what to this is who I am. I've always been this version of me. This is just who I am. We'll fight for that older identity, but I've really learned how to just let her go. Like, yeah, you're great, but we're going this way. So um, I don't even really remember that version of me that you met. She feels so distant. I know of her, and I remember what she was doing and what she was like, but um, I'm just so excited about keeping on discovering new versions. I change my hair all the time as well, which is great. That helps. Yeah, like you. Cut your hair and diet all the time, you'll feel completely different. Absolutely.

SPEAKER_02 18:02

I have any nails done every two weeks, isn't it? I don't know. Yeah, it is. It's an evolution. Yeah, definitely. I agree that we every month we change, every day we change slightly. We don't see it, but other people do.

SPEAKER_01 18:20

Yeah. There's the obvious things like our physical appearance, you know. You notice it if someone's lost weight, gained weight, chopped their hair off, done something different, I don't know, you know, that's obvious. But I think the physical thing, the being, is like, like you said, it's like little micro changes all the time. I mean, the actions and the ways we think, the way we speak to ourselves, the decisions that we make. Like, am I gonna go to the pub and drink loads tonight? Or am I gonna stay home and get up in the morning and go for a run? What am I listening to? What am I consuming? Who am I hanging around with? When I wake up in the morning, what's my outlook on my day gonna be? Like they're all just little tiny choices. They're not glamorous, they're not sexy, but they are, they are the magic. They're the magic.

SPEAKER_02 19:05

They are magic. Yeah. Definitely. If you see if you don't see someone for a while you you you're more likely to see the the difference and the change.

SPEAKER_01 19:17

I thought I call it like your internal glow-up. It's really easy, isn't it, to go and have makeover, like we just said, get a stylist, get your hair done, put a red lippy on. But actually, confidence is an inside job, you know, like who you are and how you feel about life. It's so what's going on on the inside, because you can't you can fake it, but people feel your energy. They feel it, they feel your energy much, much quicker before they look at you and go, Oh, yeah, you're confident. You know, like when you feel someone's off and you can't, you know, on the outside they look so put together, but you can feel there's something going on on the inside.

SPEAKER_02 19:54

Yeah, it's a bit like smash. You can read someone's face. Some people's faces say it all before they've even said anything.

SPEAKER_01 20:01

Yeah. And that is probably because of what's going on on the inside.

SPEAKER_02 20:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, how do you feel after having done a must?

SPEAKER_01 20:11

Do you know what? It was such a beautiful experience. Oh my god, I I keep looking back at the pictures and I'm like, wow, is that even me? Like from start to finish, even the idea of it. Like when I signed up, I didn't really know what I was getting myself in for. I don't think anybody does. Um, but that's the beauty of it, isn't it? You don't you don't want to give it all away. You want to let people discover the experience in their own way. And um I think every single day I'm taking different masks off. I'm still working on it. I think I will for a lifetime. But to actually be photographed behind the mask with the words on it, the way that I've had seen myself and felt about myself all those years, but to put that right out there in the public domain, that's another step into courage. You know, it's like, I'm here, I'm saying it, you know, I'm I'm not allowing this thing to hold me back anymore. That was wild. I loved it. And do you remember like when the camera turned on? I was just jumping around. I was like, yo, just I just loved it. And walking into the room when you had the exhibition and you had the evening, my God, was it emotional. Seeing all of these incredible women, all of their faces all lined up with their own expression on the mask, what they were saying about themselves. And um, you know, we like you said, we just said we just talked about doing sort of daily micro things, micro choices. But every time, every now and again, there is like a big unveiling. There is one big thing that you're gonna do, like talking on a stage or saying yes to a big project. Unmasking for me was just another big layer. You know, like an onion. I'm going for all the metaphors today. Yeah. There's a few little layers, that's your daily micro actions. Then every now and again, one massive chunk comes off. That was unmasked. Related it to an onion, Joan. No one's done that before, have they?

unknown 22:03

I know.

SPEAKER_02 22:04

It's true, isn't it? Yeah, you do all these little daily things and then something big comes along.

SPEAKER_01 22:09

And the daily things are the things that support you to be able to do the bigger thing. Otherwise, the body is just panicky. Like for a lot of people, maybe watching Unmasked, they might look at that and think, oh my God, I could never do that. Like that's just too big of a jump. They might just want to start doing, like we said, those small daily actions. You know, everybody's on their own timeline. No one's ahead, no one's behind. We're just all at a different part of our journey. And because of the work I've been doing on myself for the past 10 years, I was more than ready to go and do that. Like that was just like an a cherry on top of the cake for me. I just I loved it. I'm like, yes, I'm here. And uh yeah, I'm just so grateful for the opportunity. It was it was marvelous.

SPEAKER_02 22:53

Well, I think everyone that was a part of it last year, we all met for a reason.

SPEAKER_03 22:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 22:59

Everyone came into it for a reason. It was very serendipitous. I love that word.

SPEAKER_01 23:04

Yeah, I do too. A bit like discombobulating. It's just a great word to get your lips around.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

Discombobulating. So how are you do you feel like you you're showing up differently now?

SPEAKER_01 23:20

Um, I love that question. As a result of being on masked, right? Mm-hmm. Anything that was in this in the closet, skeletons-wise, you know, like they're still that they still creep back in. That was just another way for me to completely let go of them. So I show up even more confidently. Um, I always say, like, you can't cancel me, I've cancelled myself. You know, you can't get more confronting or like here's who I am. When apart from a picture with a mask in front of your face with all the words that you tell yourself about yourself in front of everyone, you know, like it's it's when you've got less places to hide, when you've when you've shone a torch into all the dark spots, you you know, you you just show up differently. It's like there's nothing else left. And yeah, it all happened again. You know, it isn't just a one and done. I think as women in this world, we will always come up against not believing in ourselves, you know, beauty standards, patriarchy, all of the stuff that doesn't want us to feel good about ourselves. Because the minute we do, we stop buying products that are designed to correct ourselves. Like it just goes bust. Where would we be if we all loved our dimply thighs? You know, like we wouldn't be buying any cellulite cream, you know, we wouldn't be buying anti-aging products. So doing this again is I did it for myself, but I did it for all women. I did it for all of us. This wasn't unmasked, it wasn't about me, Joe. It was about me giving permission, just in case anyone needs it, to take their own masks off, whether they do that with you or they just do it personally, we're we're winning. We're winning.

SPEAKER_02 24:58

Absolutely. And I think I had this conversation earlier um that it's yeah, it's not just about the individuals, it's everyone as a collective. That's why I called it the Unmasked Collective, because it's everyone was there for a similar reason. But then that spreads on to it's like a ripple little ripple effect, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 25:20

With everybody else that's it's for everyone else to feel like they've got a voice and yeah, because some people who were watching that might not be ready to, and it is, it's it's just it's just safety in numbers, isn't it? You know, when when women gather together and we share vulnerably, we de-shame ourselves.

SPEAKER_02 25:42

We just someone might be going through the same thing.

SPEAKER_01 25:45

Yeah, and the amount of the the different stories from the women that were photographed was just insane. Like, you know, you just go, Oh my god. And everyone that came up and spoke on the stage, it's literally all our heads are just nodding. And you know, when you don't feel like it's a you thing and you realise you're not alone, oh my god, you just like you just want to break out of this box. You just feel so powerful. Whereas before, maybe you just felt like you again you just wanted to hide. So um, for me, it really was, and I'm sure it has been for you, so much bigger than it being about me. I'm almost doing it for my daughters and their daughters and their daughters and their daughters and their daughters for generations to come.

SPEAKER_02 26:27

Yeah, say the ripple effect. A little pebble in a big pond. Yes, yes, yes, yes, a very big pond, but you know, on we march.

SPEAKER_00 26:35

We do. Um Do you think that you still edit out things that you not don't want to, but hold back on a little bit?

SPEAKER_01 26:54

Oh yeah, 100%. I'd be lying if I said no. I don't I don't think anybody has got to that mountaintop. I wouldn't be a human in a human experience, but here's the difference now I can see it the minute I've done it. I can feel it actually first. I'll get a visceral feeling, I'll get a sensation in my body. You know, even like if I'm going to write a text, say someone's say I was supposed to be going to meet someone and I can't make it because I've double booked. I might be going, I'm really, really sorry, I don't feel very well today. Actually, really, what I need to be saying is, I'm really sorry, I've messed up, I've double booked. So I'll just delete that. I'll notice myself, trying to cover up what's really going on, and then I'll correct it. Yeah. Or maybe I'm in a networking event and someone's just stood up and spoken and said something really brilliant about themselves, and I can feel my throat closing and going, Oh God, what am I gonna say? I'm not gonna sound that good. And then I'll just remember who I am, and then whatever's gonna come out is gonna come out. But you know, we're always subconsciously editing our editing ourselves to fit in. You know, that goes right back to caveman. I'm in the circle, there's the cave, I need to fit in because if I don't, you're gonna kick me out and I'm gonna get eaten. This is this is biology at play, which is just brilliant. Most of it is biology. Safety. I have to fit into community, I have to be really good at something, I have to be trustworthy, but I have to make sure beyond everything else that I belong. And so there's that editing, but it's when you catch yourself in the moment and you course correct and remind yourself daily of who you are, over time, cumulatively, that then becomes your new normal. Rather than I'm just gonna edit before I've even walked in the room because I'm so uptight and so worried about what you're gonna think about me. That doesn't happen to me anymore. I can walk into any room, but then I'll feel and then I'll shift it. Yeah. And again, that's like somatically in the body. I'm really in tune now. Like I was just the head person before I got into all of this work. I was just here. I didn't even connect to any of this, but your body's talking to you all the time, you know? But once you start really listening to it, then you can go, ah, there's a cue. What's going on? And then you can shift it and change it.

SPEAKER_02 29:09

The intuition thing, isn't it? It's that gut. I love a gut feeling. Yeah, you always know it's right.

SPEAKER_01 29:17

Yeah, yeah. Or run like the hills.

SPEAKER_02 29:20

Yeah, something like what does visibility mean to you now? Hmm. Being free. Go on, sorry, I know visibility's been banded around a lot at the moment in the online space. Um but it's not in a way that you'd normally think.

SPEAKER_01 29:43

Yeah. Seeing myself, I think, is the answer to that for me. Truly being comfortable with who I am. You know, I it's not about me showing up and worrying about what you think about me. It's me when I look in the mirror. Do I at least baseline like myself? You will be amazed at the amount of people who don't who don't like themselves. Like you know, I didn't, I absolutely didn't. So visibility now is this is me, this is who I am. In this moment, I'm free to be myself, I'm free to say what I want to say, I'm free to wear what I want to wear, I'm free to express myself in whatever manner. And if that's not your bag, great. Like you like champagne, I like tea, we can still be friends. You know, it doesn't have to be that it's it's threatening, but I think in the online space, and you're right, it's banded about like so many things are. Again, I've done a lot of reading, a lot of research about visibility and what it means for women. If you think about it, how many of us walk down the street at night with our keys in our hand? How many of us walk past a building site and we feel the body tense because we're worried about that heckle or anything like that that we experience? Just being a woman means that we don't feel naturally safe in our bodies to be visible. So, in a world that asks us to share what we've had for breakfast, in a world that asks us to constantly be looking at what everybody else is doing, you know, for women, even just existing in a woman's body, there's not a lot of safety there. So, you know, no wonder so many people panic about being in business and being online. You have to get the safety there to be able to show up, to be visible. You know, that's I've learned that over time because I've spent a lot of money joining programs and not taking any action or doing anything because I just still didn't feel safe.

SPEAKER_02 31:44

Yeah, and that's it. It's it's feeling the safe and actually telling the story that feels safe to tell.

SPEAKER_01 31:52

Yeah, it doesn't mean you have to share from a bleeding wound, bleeding scar, you know, uh the the opening wound. Share it from the scarf, share it from the journey, share it from where you are now compared to where you were then, not this is what I'm experiencing right now. Do your healing. Yeah, like when I share about my mum, when I share about my dad, when I share about substances, when I share about what I did, I don't get that feeling when the Zoom closes or it goes out online. Oh my God, is that the the share, the anxiety, the vulnerability hangover? I don't get that anymore. Why? Because it's healed, you know, and I think that that's the difference. Share it from when it, you know, how do you want to share it? I think that's the main thing. Don't look at other people. How do you want to show up and be visible?

SPEAKER_02 32:41

Work that out for yourself, and then in a way that can help other people.

SPEAKER_01 32:46

Yeah, yeah. There are millions of visibility coaches, aren't there, out there in the world, but you're only going to resonate with the one that makes you feel safe to do it. Like I'm a confidence coach. There are millions of confidence coaches. Why do people come and work with me? It's because of who I am and what I say, what my energy is. But I'm like I just said, I'm not everyone's cup of tea, and that's okay. There's loads of other people over there, just like you in photography, right? Yeah, absolutely. Same thing.

SPEAKER_02 33:15

Um going on from the visibility. Um, is there anything that feels important for you to say out loud here?

SPEAKER_01 33:30

I would love to leave a legacy. Like when I'm not here anymore, I want to know that I've left people in a better place than when I got here. And I know that anyone right now that's struggling and feels like they're in a bit of a black hole or is really stuck in a place where they don't feel confident and they are in that kind of like self-doubt cycle. Like there's this gorgeous saying, and it's so simple. It's you didn't come this far to come this far. And what I love about that is just know that there's a whole timeline, a brilliant timeline mapped out for you. And you just got to trust it. You just got to keep on moving and don't worry if it feels like you're in this like a forest that's so crowded and you can't even see the exit. Like keep walking. Because I think back to a time in my life, I probably shouldn't maybe be here with you, Joe. They could have my life could have been taken a very, very, very different turn had I not kept walking, had I not decided to take responsibility and trust that things were going to work out for me, had I not surrounded myself with really good people, had I not got the help, got the support. And, you know, it's not easy when you're in that funk to do that work. You have to choose the hard. And so I think, you know, if this lands with anybody that's watching it today and they're in their moment where nothing is working and everything feels like it's against them, and they just want to quit and throw in the towel and they're in that real place of see, nothing ever good happens to me. I want you to listen to this and know that that's not the truth. That's just the story that you tell yourself. And if somebody else can sit here and say, I turned my life around, there is absolutely no way that you can disprove that you can do it for you. If somebody else has achieved it on this planet, you can do it too.

SPEAKER_02 35:23

That's it. Having the strength of strength of mind to to do it. It's a bit like sliding that film, sliding doors, isn't it? I love that film.

SPEAKER_01 35:30

It's a great film.

SPEAKER_02 35:32

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 35:32

Like you could have gone either way. Either way, yeah, exactly. You could be looking at a very different story, and you and I wouldn't even be having this conversation.

SPEAKER_02 35:43

That's quite scary, isn't it?

SPEAKER_01 35:44

It is, yeah, I think it is. But it again, it reminds you of choice. The choices that I'm making. Do I go left or do I get on the carriage? Or do I stay on the platform and wait a minute? Either way, it's gonna work out somehow. Whatever choice I make. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 36:03

What do you know now that you didn't before?

SPEAKER_01 36:07

Oh, so many. We could be here five hours. I'll keep that one brief.

SPEAKER_00 36:12

Um, I know that I am the creator of my own reality.

SPEAKER_01 36:22

Oh the way that I view the world, the lens that I'm looking outside every single day is the way that I will feel and experience my whole life. There are wars and there is destruction and there is poverty, and there is oh God, we could just go on, couldn't we? And I still choose to get up and focus on hope, focus on optimism, focus on positivity, focus on what if everything works out. I am blue skies. And oh, that just gives me such a sense of peace, Joe. Like it's not toxic posity, it's choice. I'm not discounting that that stuff's going on. And some days I'll wake up and it can feel a bit heavy, but then I remember who I am and I remember what my choices are, and I get to remind myself, yeah, how I look at my life and how I look at the world, what I choose to see about other people, what I choose to see about my business, what I choose to see about whatever news headline might pop up in my feed is the way that I'm going to experience my life. And I want to be the radiator. I don't want to be the drain. If I buy into it, I become part of it. That's the that's the thing. It's like, oh, I can moan, I can complain, I can consume the news. Yeah, and I do sometimes, but then I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, how do I feel now? Am I a light? Am I the one that wants to go out there and shine and help other people? No, I just feel like I'm on a rock in a straight jacket. It's like what consumes you, yeah. So that is really it. I'm the creator of my reality. And sometimes I don't want to be. Sometimes I want to go, ah, I can't do this. And then I get reminded by all the amazing people in my lab. Yeah, you can.

unknown 38:10

Yeah, you can.

SPEAKER_02 38:12

One more thing. What does being unmasked? We're never truly unmasked, are we? We're always taking off a little layer at time. What does it mean to you today? Oh, play.

SPEAKER_01 38:26

I'm in my 50s and I feel very mischievous. I love that. I just want to play and have fun. I mean, you know this, Joe. You know, you're in your 50s too. You just get to this point where I'm like, life is my playground now. You know, like there's that Brene thing where she says, you know, the grim reaper taps you on the shoulder and says, you know, we're not mucking around now, girlfriend. You know, you've got less time ahead of you than you had behind you. What do you how do you want to live this next this next chapter of your life? I want to play and I want to have fun. So that's what being on mask feels. Because when I'm wearing those masks, they're heavy. I can't slide down the slide. No. Or jump in a ball pit. Exactly. I can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 39:14

Oh, Nina, that's fabulous. Um, where can everybody find you?

SPEAKER_01 39:19

Everywhere. So Instagram, just look up my name, um, LinkedIn and Facebook. I'm on three places. And you can go to Nina Desumarez.com if you want to go and look at my website and find out more about me.

SPEAKER_02 39:32

Fabulous. I'll put that on the bottom of the show notes so everyone can find you. But oh, thank you so much. It's always wonderful to see you. Hmm, and you. And we need to live a bit closer so we can get together.

SPEAKER_01 39:45

Yes, yes. And thank you. Thank you for everything that you do. And you know, that experience is another part of my chapter and the story of my unmasking but becoming this version of me now. Like I wouldn't be this version of Nina now had I not experienced what I did in unmasking with you. Because again, it's it's one extra thing that becomes part of this story that I am now. Um, and so I'm so, so happy that I rang you that day and said, I want to do that, Joe. And you were like, great. And I didn't, what I love about it, one more I want to share to everyone, is don't ever overthink saying yes to things that are a bit scary for you. Like just we talked about gut, like there was something in my gut that told me I need to do that with you, Joe. And I just I just said yes. I didn't go, yeah, is it the right time? Mm-mm, mm-mm. I just did it. That's that's how you make life happen.

SPEAKER_02 40:36

You know, it's always the full body yeses that the ones are the best ones.

SPEAKER_01 40:40

Yeah, and how many of those do we ignore? A lot. Because the logistics exactly. So I just yeah, I'm really grateful for you. Thank you. Thank you, darling.

SPEAKER_02 40:49

Well, it was wonderful to speak to you, and we'll speak soon. Yes, thank you. Thank you for listening to stories from behind the mask. The parts we edit out are the ones that matter the most. If something in this conversation stayed with you, let it. You don't need to rush to fix or frame it. And if you're in a season of unmasking and finding your story, know this. You don't have to do it all at once. I'm Joanna, and I'll see you next time.