Career visibility. We know it matters. So why does being seen still feel so uncomfortable?

In this episode, I explore the deeper emotional and systemic reasons so many women struggle with visibility at work - despite being highly capable, experienced, and ambitious.

Because this isn’t really about confidence.

It’s about conditioning.

It’s about the stories many of us inherited around staying likable, staying agreeable, working hard quietly, and waiting to be noticed.

I unpack:

• Why visibility is career-defining
• The difference between visibility and self-promotion
• Why so many women self-edit professionally
• The emotional discomfort of being seen
• The identity shifts that come with taking up more space
• How workplace conditioning impacts confidence and progression
• Why opportunities often go to those who are visible, not just capable

I also share a powerful client story about stepping into leadership visibility and why networking, visibility, and presence can feel so exposing - even for exceptional women.

If you’ve ever felt overlooked, underestimated, or stuck waiting for permission to take up more space in your career, this episode is for you.

Because the question isn’t:
'What’s wrong with me?'

It’s:
'What story have I been taught about visibility - and do I still want to live by it?'

Connect with Sally:
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/sallyspicer/
Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/_sallyspicerincluded/
Explore coaching & Reset and Rise: https://talent-included.mykajabi.com/career-clarity-check-in

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hello, hello, welcome to the pod. I have decided now that I am going to record these straight after coaching sessions because I've always got this like real high energy once I've been on a coaching call. And so I thought, actually, I want these sessions to feel energetic and I want them to feel energized. And so I thought, what better time to do it than when I've just come off an hour session with one of my clients? So what I want to talk to you all about today, right? Is something that can be quite confronting, um, something that we probably don't even want to admit as women, okay. And it is that we are secretly waiting to be tapped on the shoulder, okay, for someone senior enough, influential enough, important enough to finally look at you and say, you're ready now, right? And when I share this when I'm doing any of my like in-live workshops, and you'll hear me say this a lot, and I don't want to take any offense by this, but it's like this kind of I get this nodding dog. And what I mean by that is every like the sea of women who I'm talking to are all nodding along, right? And that is that we are ferrying away, busy, heads down, being really reliable in our jobs and getting on and doing the do. Um, but we're secretly kind of waiting for someone to go, yeah, you know, tap tap, you know, it's your turn now, you're ready, right? We essentially are quietly hoping that all of this hard work that we put in eventually speaks for itself, right? And someone is going to notice that, someone that is going to notice that your you know capability is undeniable, right? And that if you keep delivering and keep proving and keep being useful, eventually these opportunities are going to land on our laps. And this happens, honestly, especially for women, far more often than we realize. And I want to say this because, without exception, all the women that I work with, right, in my career coaching capacity, aren't lacking capability. And I will do a whole other podcast on this capability thing, right? But they're not lacking capability. They're really, really capable. They excel at what they do, right? But the reason that their careers aren't accelerating or advancing and they're not getting those opportunities is because they lack visibility. And you'll see this a lot now, hopefully, if you or have been part of any kind of female programs that aren't completely archaic and just teaching you how to be more like a man to get across or get ahead in your career. But visibility in itself is one of the most emotionally complicated things that we navigate as women professionally, right? And that is because we know logically, right? We're not stupid. We know logically that visibility matters. And we also know that opportunities tend to flow towards people who are seen, so people who are known, you know, peoples whose thinking exists beyond the kind of four walls of their immediate role. So we know this, right? And we know how important it is, and we know that it is a commercial lever that we should be leveraging in leveraging within our careers. Yet, and this is the big bit, right? So that's a logical brain thinking. Yet, so many of us still hide. And you would have seen my post on this around the way that we minimize, and what I mean by that is like we minimize what we do and our output and our capability and our expertise, just as this kind of like business as usual thing that we just rock up and do every day, right? Oh, that was nothing, you know. Thank you so much for this amazing presentation that you kind of pulled together the last minute that you worked till midnight to do. And then our immediate response is, oh, that's nothing, you know, and we do it in our home lives as well, but we absolutely do it in our work life. And it's because we want to portray this image of, well, that's just easy, that's just what I do, that's what I want to be known for, but we absolutely minimize it, right? And not only that, we wait, we wait a lot longer than we should do, right? To be able to put ourselves forward for something. And it's interesting because you all hear and you see the stats that you know, women, when they see a um a job posting that's posted online or a job posting that is, you know, been posted like on an internal job board at work. We sit there and we interrogate and we analyze this job spec to say, can we undeniably do every single thing on that job spec, right? And we think that we can't. We think that we can't, right? And so therefore we wait. So we stay in our roles a lot longer than our male counterparts. Some of that also is kind of surrounded around um, because we stay in our roles for longer, okay, we don't have go for those push, we don't go for those growth opportunities, we don't kind of, you know, from a visibility perspective, put our head above the parapet. We also are kind of grappling with and navigating having children in the workplace as well. And so therefore, sometimes our priorities change through different seasons of our careers. And then suddenly we become kind of like kind of put in shoeboxes of, well, you know, I don't know, Jess over there, she just does that. She's exceptional at what she does, but she just does that. So it almost becomes kind of part of our work identity and our personality. And so all of these things kind of layer on, um, layer on top of each other. I'm gonna have to turn my um, do you know another? I didn't know why I did not do this before I started recording this. I knew I was gonna annoy myself. Um, you can hear my emails going off in the background. Um, so we minimize, right? We stay in our roles longer, right? Because we don't, we aren't as visible, and because we have got other kinds of conflicting um priorities in our lives that we have to also balance, but we also stay quieter longer than we should. And I think that part of the problem is that we have misunderstood or not connected with what visibility actually is, right? And there's this kind of unwritten rule and kind of connotation that visibility is this kind of self-promotion. And this is why we have these kind of outdated female leadership programs that are teaching you to have better negotiation skills and to be more influential and to be more aggressive and to be more assertive, right? The visibility in its truest form, and this is what I really want to kind of break down today in this conversation, it's not about self-promotion, right? It's not about being the loudest person in the room. And it's not suddenly about, you know, turning into someone who posts these really performative, kind of, you know, humbling posts on LinkedIn and content every day, right? It's not also kind of these like kind of really big, like kind of motivational, kind of I am humbled and you know, acknowledgement posts and announcements. This is not what career visibility is, but I think there's this kind of like um unrealistic um and unfounded kind of you know perception of that's what visibility is. Visibility in a career lever perspective is simply the intentional practice in making your thinking, your expertise, and your presence known. And doing so in a way that you're doing that in the right places to the right people. And this is the key here, ladies, right? Through real conversation and genuine connection. And the real conversation and genuine connection piece is really, really important because that is when it starts feeling more authentic. And when something starts feeling more authentic, we're far more likely to do it. Okay, so that's it, right? So if we're thinking about this kind of logically, right? So we know we've got to do it, and we kind of get our heads around what visibility actually is, we then have to almost kind of overcome this sense of it feeling so exposing, right? So, why does speaking up sometimes feel like we are in a spotlight, completely naked, right? Completely vulnerable, like ready to be like kind of, you know, bashed like a whack-a-mole, like get back over there and keep your mouth shut and just kind of get your head down, right? And this sits so many layers deeper than just I am not confident. And the interesting thing is that so many women kind of come into my world because they feel like they've got a confidence problem, right? And they feel like because they've got a confidence problem that therefore, you know, really kind of um you know decenters them around their kind of capability. So then they think they've got a capability problem, an issue, and challenge, which is why they look through these job specifications or job postings and things. I can't do that, that, that, that, and that, right? But it's because at the core of it, socially, as women, we are never taught that visibility was ours to claim in the first place, right? And we are taught the exact opposite. But before I go into that, I want to talk to you about this um kind of notion around you know, having to check every box on a job application or a job posting that you want to apply for, right? And the simple thing I want to kind of bring to life on this is would you go for a job that offers you no stretch or growth? Right? The answer would be it'd be a complete waste of time because you're still going to be as bored as you are and as uninvigorated and unenergized as you currently are in your current role. So you're essentially going to be going from the frying pan into the fire. It's absolutely complete waste of time. Even if you get some more money for it, it's a complete waste of time. So when you're looking at job job postings, I want you to think of like, actually, I can do 60% of that job, right? And that's all you need, because the rest is going to be a growth and development opportunity for you. And there's absolutely no point going for something unless it's going to be growth and opportunity because you are ambitious, you're capable, you're, you know, you've got the expertise. You're not just going to go from you know a like-for-like role. Okay, you're you're going to be wanting to go science for growth. So I just wanted to put a pin in that before we then go back and talk about visibility because I think that is so, so important. But let's go back to this kind of notion, right? That we were never taught that visibility was ours to claim, right? And the reality is we have been taught as women the complete opposite. And that is that we are going to stay in our lane, right? Don't be too much, be likable, be agreeable, do quality work, and someone will eventually notice you and reward you for that. And I hate to break it to you, but that is not going to happen, right? And it's not because you're not talented enough, it's not because your work isn't good enough. It's because careers are not built on capability alone, right? They are built on perception, they're built on relationships, reputation, access, right? Proximity, which is why proximity and you're thinking about your visibility as a strategy now. Proximity is so important. And also awareness of this as a concept, right? And if no one knows how you think, how you've come to a conclusion, you know, your thought process around this is what I think, this is the best root, you know, root um course of action for us, you know, what we stand for as individuals, the value that you bring beyond task execution, you become incredibly easy to overlook, right? And especially if your identity has been built around being the dependable one, right? Being in the capable one, the one that keeps everything moving quietly in the background, right? And this is where I think it gets really, really interesting. Um I work a lot with um professional services firms, uh legal firms, and they have got a real challenge of attracting and recruiting through the ranks into partner level. And it's because the women in the teams, right, are seen as exactly that, right? Highly capable, highly, you know, high level of expertise. But their work identity has been built around being the dependable one, being the capable one, being the one that everyone throws all the shit to, right? And you will then go and sort it out. And then obviously, then you know, we go full circle, we minimize it, and we just pretend it's all like completely fine and you know, it didn't take that much effort, and we've been like working blood, sweat, and tears over it, and then we get resentful and angry that no one ever recognizes that you know the effort that you've put in. Okay. So I think where this becomes really, really interesting is because visibility isn't just a career strategy and one that we need to adopt, right? It is agency, right? And I'm gonna say that again. It is not a career strategy that we are now going to adopt moving forward, it is agency. And agency is speaking up, right? It's having a point of view, taking up space. So rather than like actively avoiding visibility in meetings, right? We want to be doing the opposite. We want to be taking up space, we want to be sharing our thought processes, which are really, really well thought out, okay, because we're highly capable and we're really, really conscientious, right? But it's allowing yourself to be seen. That is agency. And historically, women having agencies has been made, it makes people feel really, really uncomfortable, right? Not always like really overtly or really dramatically, but subtly and consistently remaining quiet. And we learn then, as women, to calibrate ourselves around that discomfort. And what that then kind of brings to the forefront in terms of like a behavior perspective is we soften ourselves and we edit ourselves, we make ourselves essentially easier to digest. And over time, this kind of self-editing becomes so automatic that we stop noticing that we even do it. And I remember doing this so clearly in my own career, right? I remember kind of being sat around kind of boardrooms and thinking, well, I'm not going to share my view, right? Because no one else is going to agree with it. I would say something and people would just ignore me. And I would be sat there having this kind of low-level like kind of anger, thinking, I can't be the only one who thinks that as an absolutely terrible idea. But I had noticed that I was feeling kind of angry and resentful, right? And then when I kind of, you know, scaled that back to what was actually going on, it was actually that I'd lost my voice and I wasn't using my voice. I didn't have agency. And that actually, in effect, was making me feel frustrated, right? And so I think it's really important that we start to build and flex this muscle over time and being visible to start with in very kind of safe settings, right? And that is around sharing opinions and challenging ideas and saying sometimes quite uncomfortable things out loud and disagreeing essentially with men in rooms. And I, when I was going through this transition myself, had this kind of like real identity crisis because it didn't feel familiar. And then I started questioning myself, thinking, well, am I being too much now? You know, will people still like me? Does this even feel like me? So all this kind of social conditioning that I had learned in my career, right, up until this point, which is like to keep your head down and just not create a fuss, it was then starting to really kind of feel misaligned, right? And I think for ambitious women, the roles available to us have always felt really, really binary, right? So you're either this kind of alpha, direct, unapologetic, I hate that term so much, it's unapologetically you, like one of the lads, right? So you're either in that camp or you're the brilliant woman behind the scenes, keeping everything running whilst someone else takes the credit. And there's been this real and very little kind of cultural space for this version that exists between that. So, and that is the woman who is warm and collaborative and emotionally intelligent, but is also, you know, opinionated and visible and powerful and clear and fully expressed. And it's almost like if we don't start practicing this skill and creating our voice and understanding ourselves what we stand for and how we articulate that and how we then influence through that voice, okay, and doing it whilst not having to perform this kind of you know ridiculous masculinity to do it, that's the art that we need to learn. So, what that then also looks like in practice. So we we, you know, we're then people pleasing, okay. We hedge our opinions, we kind of sit on the fence. Who likes anyone who sits on the fence, right? We soften our language, we over-explain things, we make ourselves more palatable, and we edit these thoughts even before they leave our mouths. And then we kind of badge that up as well. I was just being professional, I didn't want to rock the boat. And the reason I wanted to bring this conversation with you to you today is because this happened with a client um of mine a couple of weeks ago. I met her for a breakfast in London, and I saw this visibility challenge in a different light, right? And this was, and let me just kind of set the scene of this client. So I've known her for years, we're working together on a career coach in a career coaching program. I said, look, I'm up in town, let's just meet for a breakfast and have our session face to face. And she's like kind of planning her next move, like 18 months out. So she's got some stuff going on personally, which she wants to get settled uh for her and her son. Um, but she and she's quite comfortable in her role, right? So she's got um, you know, a brand, etc., um internally. She is looking, she does lots of kind of trustee work, and she's now looking to ramp that trustee work up because her ultimate goal is to go into NED work, right? Which is brilliant. And what I loved about the kind of first, I would say, probably 45 minutes of this session was how invigorated and how energized she was about this future possibility. She's kind of got her vision, you know. We've talked about, you know, why she wanted to do it, how that was going to, you know, enable the lifestyle that she wanted around this work, the impact that she wanted to have on her work and why that and purpose is so, so important to her. And also that we've kind of got some time to kind of plan this. So towards the end of the session, I then said to her, Well, that's brilliant, right? We've got the plan, we've got, you know, we've got the end goal, which is great. We know it's kind of aligned from a purpose perspective, from a lifestyle perspective, from a like a working pattern perspective, etc. etc. We know we can make some good money in this field, brilliant. I'm like, right, we just need to get into some new circles then, right? We need to get into some new networks. And the most incredible thing happened, and I and which was I saw her then visibly shrink, right? Her body language completely changed, changed. And I could almost kind of feel how deflated she was. Because for me, it was like, well, this is like the natural next step, right? We need to get you into the right room so you we can network with these people, so in 18 months' time you can start moving into this kind of negative thing, hopefully before, right? But she shrunk. And so I asked her to kind of like to, you know, explain to me what she was feeling, right? And what had made her get that shift. And it was the thought of the idea of then becoming more visible, right? Thought of networking, the thought of being seen, putting herself forward, entering new spaces. Genuinely, they filled her with dread. And underneath all of this, right, it's not around not being competent, right? It's around conditioning. These years of unconsciously learning to stay small, stay safe, don't draw too much attention to yourself, don't put yourself out there in vulnerable positions, don't push yourself out of your comfort zone, right? And a lot of that also came down to the environment that she's already outgrown. And it's a very toxic corporate environment where she actually isn't made to feel emotionally safe, right? And I could absolutely relate to that, right? And there's versions of me in the past that would just sit there and nod along with everyone else and just say nothing at all. And it wasn't because I didn't have the thoughts, and it wasn't that I lacked the intelligence, and it certainly wasn't because I didn't care, but it was because somewhere along the line, silence to me and being invisible and just being one of the crowd and someone who just didn't rock the bow started to feel much safer than exposure. And this is why I don't think visibility is something that we solve with these kind of surface-level confidence tips of like be more assertive, right? It goes much, much deeper. And the discomfort that many women feel around visibility is often inherited from you know culturally, systemically conditioned, and women having a voice and presence and agency in taking up space historically have challenged the systems, right, that have benefited from us staying agreeable, supportive, and quietly productive in the background, right? And then we internalize that discomfort with there must be something wrong with me, instead of questioning the system itself. And that for me is the shift, right? It's not how do I become louder, but what stories have we inherited, inherited about visibility? What part of myself, or what part of yourself, have you edited to stay safe? And the overarching question, right, is do I still want to leave, live, and lead by these roles? Or do you want to step into work and this new chapter of yourself that is centered around agency? With agency comes alignment, with alignment comes purpose, with purpose comes confidence and momentum, right? And this genuinely is where I think the real work begins. So lovely rant over. You can tell how emotional I get about the stuff, right? And about the practice that I have within my coaching is, you know, takes into consideration all of these different things that we are contesting with and navigating through, right? And how when women come into my world and say things like, I'm not confident enough, I can't network, I can't speak up, I don't even know what to say. We absolutely do. We know all of those things, right? We have just got to create the right environments where we feel ourselves aligned and we've aligned back to our identity to be able to push through and gain the skills to put our agency into flow. So I just wanted to share that with you. I hope it's been useful. Um, I'd love to hear your thoughts. I've also written a newsletter on this. So um, you know, grab me on Instagram or LinkedIn, um, wherever I annoy you most on social media, um, and I can share that newsletter with you as well. But also for those of you who are ready to really self lead within your careers, understand the importance of visibility, and create a strategy behind it in a really, really supportive environment. You know who to call. Drop me a line.