Living Inside Out with John Peek
Welcome to Living Inside Out with John Peek!
Living Inside Out with John Peek
I Love You And The Answer Is Still No
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Watching an adult child make painful choices can scramble everything in you: your fear, your faith, your sense of identity, and your instinct to jump in and fix it. We sit down with counselor Amanda Bradley to name what most parents feel but rarely say out loud: the transition from raising kids to relating to adults can feel like grief, and control disguised as love can quietly damage the relationship you are trying to save.
We unpack the biggest mistakes parents make with adult children, including treating them like they are still kids, rescuing them from consequences, and avoiding hard truths to keep the peace. Amanda breaks down the practical line between helping vs enabling, with real examples like paying bills, calling out of work, and cleaning up messes they created. The guiding question is simple and uncomfortable: if I stop stepping in, would they be forced to step up, and can they?
Because this is Living Inside Out Radio, we also go deep on Christian parenting, boundaries, and spiritual resilience. We connect Proverbs 22:6 to the idea that training is planting seeds, not programming outcomes, and we revisit the prodigal son as a picture of staying steady without chasing dysfunction. We talk about guilt, manipulation, and emotional pressure, why boundaries are protection rather than rejection, and why prayer is not passive, it is active engagement when you cannot reach the battlefield.
If you are parenting adult children, rebuilding trust after conflict, or trying to stay emotionally healthy while someone you love is spiraling, this conversation offers language, frameworks, and hope you can use immediately. Subscribe, share this with a friend who needs it, and leave a review with the boundary you are working on right now.
Welcome And The Adult Child Problem
SPEAKER_06Welcome to the Living Inside Out Radio Show with John Peake.
SPEAKER_04Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio on 9 20 a.m., Patriot Talk Radio, where we talk about faith, family, and freedom. Well, today we've got a great guest, a good friend of mine, Amanda Bradley with Amanda Bradley Counseling. That's also at dot com. And so she's she and I are going to discuss some really interesting topics that we've over the years we've talked about, but this particular one hits close to home. And it's, you know, all about adult children and how we deal with what's going on in their lives, uh, the good, the bad, and the ugly, essentially. We're all over the all over the place in various ways in that kind of thing. So sometimes you do all the right things as a parent and the children do great decisions. Sometimes you can make every mistake in the world, and the kids still turn out great in spite of you. And sometimes it's just the opposite. You're doing all the good things and the kids are just making terrible decisions, and it's really hard, you know, to have a hands-off approach and let allow them to grow in the at the rate they they need to grow at, you know. So uh Amanda, thanks for joining us today. I really appreciate you being on the show.
Training Seeds And The Prodigal Pattern
SPEAKER_07Well, thank you so much for having me.
SPEAKER_04So I'm gonna give you a little intro, and here's what it is every p every single parent starts with control, especially if it's your firstborn child. Holding hands, setting rules, guiding steps. But what happens when your child becomes an adult and walks away from everything you taught them? Today we're talking about one of the hardest transitions in life: parenting adult children when you can no longer control the outcome. So Proverbs 22, 6 tells us that training is planting, not programming. In other words, it's a seed principle. God works over time, not instantly. Luke 15 talks about the prodigal son. The father released control, he allowed consequences, but he maintained position without chasing dysfunction. That's got to be hard to do. Now, here's a key point here. You can't control the harvest, but you are responsible for the seed. And so, from a defend fit perspective, in self-defense, there's a moment when you can't control your opponent. You must rely on your training. And it has to be pre-programmed deep into your muscle memory so it comes out even under stress. Parenting adult children is very similar. You train them now, life will test them just like it did you. I know that we like to protect our kids just like we learned how to protect ourselves. And you know, if we can, you know, there's an old saying, um, a wise person wor learns from their mistakes, but a wiser person learns from other people's mistakes, and you're trying to get them to take that in, and they're like, whatever. I remember telling my dad, he says, son, you need to take care of your business. Why do tomorrow what you can do today? And I've said this before on the show. I used to needling back and say, Dad, why should I do today what I can just put off till tomorrow? I did that recently and I was procrastinating, and then things started stacking up on me. And so even as an adult, you know, this thing, my daughter's watching me stress out about some things, and I just had to come clean with my adult daughter. I made the mistake of not taking care of my business on several of these things. Now look what's happening. So it's a good example for her to see look, dad's admitting, you know, his mistakes and is willing to be pretty authentic. Sometimes we like to cover up his parents, don't we?
SPEAKER_03They want to show all our especially to our kids.
Four Common Parenting Missteps
SPEAKER_04So, Amina, when what are his biggest parent uh mistake parents make as adult children?
Why Letting Go Hits So Hard
SPEAKER_07Well, I would go back really quick just to what you were saying about not wanting our kids to see our mistakes, all of our mess. But the truth is that they kind of do need to see it because they need to know what it what does fixing that look like. I'm going to assume that that's gonna be fixed, right? So, um but they're the I think the goal of parenting is to raise responsible adults who don't need you, but they want to be around you, right? That's always kind of been my at least mine and my husband's um goal for parenting. So I would say that we step on toes or we, you know, the mistakes are made in like four different ways, and that's treating adult children like they're still kids. So you have to know that at 18 or whenever the the the age is that your your role changes and stepping out of that is really hard. That's almost like a grief and loss process, right? But continuing to control, micromanage, that creates resentment. It's normal for them to grow up and go their own way. That's what's supposed to happen, right? Um, two is not letting them experience consequences. Adult, child, whatever the stage, stop rescuing them. Let natural consequences take place, whether it's emotional, financial, situational, let it happen. Three, making the relationship about control instead of respect. Now, this is about an adult child and an adult relationship, right? Not parent to younger child, small child. Um the relationship at an adult point has to be voluntary, right? They don't have to engage, but we want it to be relational. And then the last thing is don't avoid hard truths, right? You still need to tell them the truth all the time, just like you were saying, the mistakes. We don't hide our mess, we show them how to fix it. Um so being honest and not trying to just keep the peace is really important as the parent. Does that make sense? Makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_04Why is letting go so psychologically difficult? Uh when you're talking about this idea of uh as a parent, I have to realize they've reached this age, this milestone, so you may hopefully graduated from high school, maybe looking at some additional education, whether it's on-the-job training, vocational, or college, and maybe staying home or even leaving. But no matter where you're at there like that, there's still a like a challenge psychologically to let go. Why why do you think that's so difficult?
SPEAKER_07Well, I think that's kind of honestly the way God wired us. I think just because this child is leaving at 18 or 21 or however old they are when they leave, um, it's a challenge because um we're wired for two things when we get to Earth that's survival and connection in your whole adult life for this child, or for your adult life as the parent and their whole life as the child, your job has been to keep them alive and teach them all the right things. And you know, it's really again, it goes back to a little bit of a grief and loss process of they're leaving, what now? They're out there, what now? Who am I? So I would say a couple of things. Biologically, you're wired to hold on, you're literally connected by DNA. Two, I would say emotionally, it there's the grief and loss process. Three, psychologically, your identity as the parent has to shift because you have a new role now and it's not what it was. And then spiritually, it requires the most trust and surrender, right? Now go out there and do all of the right things I've taught you, right?
SPEAKER_04So and it's a reflection when they make mistakes. A lot of times you think you think it's a reflection of you. I think uh the word identity really hits home because living inside out is all about identity. We talk about the seven M's, and every category of the seven M's is strengthening your identity, right? Right? Whether it's taking care of your health, your wellness, your your food, your money, every single relationship, your belief system. Uh being a warrior strengthens your identity. Being able to structurally feel strong and have it enough muscle, you feel good about yourself, right? And it's all about identity. Being a good parent is probably one of the most identifying factors on how I feel about the life I'm leading, right? If I'm a good parent, if I'm a marginal parent, if I'm a crappy parent, you know, it really impacts your identity. And so I could see that psychological barrier being attached to that, your identity as a parent.
SPEAKER_07Of course.
SPEAKER_04And um not having enough going on, growing as a parent, you're still trying to live. We see it a lot in sports where the parents are are living vicariously through their kids. Yes. And they could be a nightmare to deal with if you're a coach. While their kids really don't feel that way at all, they're just working out and the natural consequences of practicing when you're not on the field or at you're doing your own growth, right? So a lot of times that these high achievers, they get better positions because they deserve it.
SPEAKER_07Well, and I think that those high achievers know how to how to fail and how to bounce. They know how to come back from that, right? I would also say as a parent that taking the position as a coach where you give advice or you give your thoughts and input from the sidelines, but you're not in there playing the game for them. You're not dealing with the consequences. That's their game to play. You are simply on the sidelines.
SPEAKER_04That's right. Win or lose, it's every game.
SPEAKER_07And you're there for support.
SPEAKER_04And it should be. I'd never agree with giving um trophies for participation, but if it could become a thing, of course. There's a saying about that, the big structure of life, that uh hard times make strong men, strong men make good times. Good times make weak men, and weak men make hard times all over again, right? Well, giving somebody a reward for something they don't deserve to me is a weak, a weak way. And the kids don't even appreciate it, they don't even pay attention to that trophy. Whether somebody that wins a trophy, they're like, I'm putting that on my shelf.
SPEAKER_07It's almost like false security, right? Or false false achievement to the degree that you you showed up for practices and you did play the game, but this is not this is not actually what life is gonna give you. Your boss isn't gonna give you a pretend raise. So I I think that it's a false sense of of achievement sometimes when we do that.
Helping Vs Enabling In Real Life
SPEAKER_04These expectations, you're gonna get it rewarded even if you don't perform well. That's a good point. So the difference um between helping and enabling.
SPEAKER_07So when I was really thinking about this, I thought a lot because I'm like, of course, I'm in a helping profession. I know I I'm a helper. That's what I was put on earth to do, to serve and to help. However, helping means that the person, whether it's your child, your partner, your sparring partner, they are responsible. You're not carrying responsibility for them, right? Helping by definition should strengthen them and enabling it robs them of that opportunity, right? To be fully responsible. It makes them weaker because here you are coming in and swooping up, saving the day. That's not that's anti-helpful. That's like the opposite of helpful. So with helping, they carry the primary responsibility, and with enabling you as the parent, you would carry the weight and the responsibility. Right? So here's here's a question or a position I would examine. If I stop doing this thing, if I stop stepping in, if I stop engaging, would they be forced to step up? And can they?
SPEAKER_04And you won't know unless you do it.
SPEAKER_07Either way, it's information for you as the parent to let go of their outcome, but to self-reflect and go, okay, where am I in this? What do I need to do? Let go, uh, offer different solutions. But again, from a coaching position, you're not gonna kick the ball, you're not gonna throw the pass, you're not gonna do those things. You are simply on the sidelines.
SPEAKER_04That's right. I think of uh the two words that uh be differentiated, and that is teaching someone or training someone. Right. When we train someone, there's oftentimes an inherent understanding that I'm gonna test you. There's gonna be a performance-based achievement, right? Versus just teaching somebody they're receiving, you're giving, or they're receiving, you're giving, but they don't really get to test it. I think church is pretty common like that. You sit, you listen, but there's never any really hard and um fast testing, right? So there's an interesting story about a uh a pastor pretending to be a university teacher, and he comes to a church, to youth group, and he presents to the youth group uh as an atheist, and he starts telling them why their faith's not real. And in a very short amount of time, he had all this the youth questioning their belief system. And at the end he told them that he was actually a pastor of a local church, and he wanted them to understand that they need to understand why they believe what they believe, not just so where they weren't ever tested on it. And so that's a powerful, that's a powerful testimony. We need in martial arts, it's very common. You're gonna test periodically all the time, it's just the way it is. You're testing yourself if you're in the gym with weights, you can increase, you know, and you kind of see where am I at. If you have a coach, and that's oftentimes what it takes. You need to get some professional instruction around certain things in life. And so I think around relationship and management, how to be a good parent, you know, that I think is very helpful if you go early on, say, let me reach out. And we do that oftentimes with our parents. We get help. And it's a grandparent, so in other words, I'm talking to the grandparent. Uh, but oftentimes it you're receiving it better from a complete stranger than you do from your family. Isn't that funny?
SPEAKER_07It's so true though. I can say it all day long, and it's not true unless my son went to my mom's for a couple of days, and he was like, You won't believe what she talked. I just we just had this conversation. He was like, I know she mentioned you guys probably had the same idea. I'm like, we do, because it was passed down for this is what I learned, and then I passed it to you, and now you're saying, Oh, what she said was the pearl. That's the wisdom right there. Whatever. However, you receive it, thank goodness.
Sponsor Messages
SPEAKER_04But that's right. Yeah, as long as they receive it. Right. It's good to get, you know, we used to have mentors, it was a more popular thing. And I think it's really important to have mentors. Agreed. You know, sometimes love looks like holding on, but sometimes love looks like letting go and trusting God to do what you cannot do. So we're gonna talk more about this. So stay with us at Living Inside Out Radio. We'll be right back with Amanda Bradley Council.
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Guilt And Healthy Limits
SPEAKER_04Welcome back to Living in Outside Radio. We're glad to be back with Amanda Bradley Counseling here on Living Inside Out. And so let's touch base on the big picture here. And so I'm going to bring up some spiritual dynamics that I think are super important and helpful as a parent both before your child's fully grown and then certainly as an adult child, and you have to deal with the consequences of the training you've given them and their consequences of receiving it or not. So this is where it gets pretty real, you know, it gets very messy because loving your adult child doesn't mean agreeing with them, and it definitely doesn't mean rescuing them from every consequence. And I'm sure most of us have learned this by now, and as they get older, you know, you should have learned this and been a little bit easier to do that. But this idea of uh Romans 12.18 talks about personal responsibility, and it says, as much as it depends on you, so you are not responsible for their reaction, you're responsible for your delivery and reaction and attitude and how you're being. And so you allow Galatians 6 7 to bring in the whole law of consequences. Growth requires consequences. Rescue can delay transformation, removing consequences, man, can be detrimental to their growth. I love how God gives us the grace and mercy. He doesn't force us to have consequences, the ultimate consequence. He gives us a chance to recover. And we have to do that both as a parent, and our children also need to learn how to do that. When you weren't the perfect parent, they have to understand no parent can be perfect. I can't be the father in heaven. That's why they need to look to the spiritual mindset of looking to their father in heaven as the ultimate guide, having that spiritual life. So I think as a parent, learning to deal with adult children is gonna help you to grow spiritually too, because you won't be able to solve every problem. Ephesians 4.15 talks about truth and love. Truth without love is rejection, but love without truth is compromise, and you're really lying to them. So here's the key line here boundaries are not rejection, they are protection for both sides. In terms of our defend fit mindset, the analogy is in training, we teach distance management. If someone is dangerous, you don't hug them, you create space. Now there may be a time where you have to deal with it, you know, in terms of you know, the MMA mindset of I have to get so close that I can control the hurt. Sometimes it's okay, you know, to let your children understand that I've been hurt too. I totally get it. Let's go through this together and and heal together, right? So hug them emotionally like that. Same with adult children, emotional boundaries, financial boundaries, access boundaries. So it's real important for you to like start wrapping your head around this three-dimensional process of dealing with you know life in general, the spirit, the mental emotional, the physical. Well, you have it here too with children, emotional, financial, and even your proximity to them. Um I have an adult daughter, two adult daughters, and one of them is very receptive to my coaching and and talks to me often, asks a lot of questions, and gets my opinion, and a lot of times she just has me listening. Um, but and I have another daughter that she's not really interested in my opinion right now. She's just going through this time period in her life, very independent, wants to do what she wants to do, and I'm okay with that. She also has to be okay with the consequences. And you know, as I watch from a distance, I certainly want to rescue. I certainly do. But you know what I tell her, hey, I'm here for you whenever you need me. Love you, miss you. But uh, you know, we'll have to wait for her to to open up. So let's ask Amanda. Amanda, how do parents set boundaries without feeling guilty?
SPEAKER_07Well, um, I I'll say um sometimes it's okay to feel guilty. And so I would encourage Those who feel guilty to it because it doesn't mean that it's bad, right? This is again information for you as the parent. Like, man, I feel guilty. Well, getting curious about that means that you're gonna do some introspective work. Was my boundary too harsh? Was it not right? Was it not biblical? Was it a reaction, not a response, right? So examining the boundary, I think would be really is really interesting. Actual guilt means you've done something wrong. Feeling guilty sometimes, like especially with our kids, it just means that this thing that I've I've set out is new or it's hard. It doesn't mean it's wrong. And even if it is, then we course correct, right? Oh hey, teachable moment for our kids, for us and our kids. Um so I said this and I need to fix it. And I need to address this, right? So I think parents and and people in general often feel guilty because they equate saying no with abandonment, right? Or taking a step back and creating a healthy boundary, they see that as being unloving or unkind, right? And it's not. And you can call it self-preservation, but from the beginning of time, we've had boundaries. God put boundaries in the Garden of Eden, right? And so from the beginning of time, boundaries are a good thing, they keep people safe.
SPEAKER_04They do, they do. And I would say this sometimes there's a manipulation involved with your guilty feelings because they're not receiving that. They're not receiving it with the right mindset and understanding. And it may be in a lack of good training earlier on that now you're getting the consequences because you didn't train them in that way, right? And so now they're pushing back and being stronger, stretching those independent legs, and you may have to explain and readjust and increase your understanding as a parent of what you've done and how to move forward with that. But you can't let the manipulation uh remove the good parenting desire.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_04That's for sure.
SPEAKER_07The good thing, the true thing, right? It's because when you have boundaries, even if it's like a quasi, we're gonna try this. Um boundaries make relationships honest and safe, right? These are my parameters, and for whatever reason, this creates the safety where we do healing, where we take a break. But these are the boundaries. So I'm I'm gonna nerd out just a little bit on on uh Bulby's attachment theory, right? That this goes back to like undergrad. But the truth is that as parents, we're wired biologically and emotionally to respond to our children, right? This is our connection for and survival instincts, right? So helping allows uh consequences to teach, enabling removes the consequences to protect them, right? And what we're trying to do is grow human beings who are capable, responsible, aware, right? We want them responsible for their own actions because one day we are not gonna be here. So I have a couple of examples rescuing your children, like paying your adult child's bills when they know rent's coming up, or the car payment or the insurance or whatever it's coming up, and they're like, panic, panic, panic, high speed wobble to oh my gosh, I don't have my crap together. And you're like, Oh, I I got you, I can pay part of that or all of that or whatever. Don't worry, I got you. Calling in for them uh to their work when they're not going. Yes, that's that's a thing. I've seen some I've had clients who are fixers for their children, they just don't want them to get in trouble, is how they see it. Um fixing problems that the child created instead of having them handle it, right? So my question surrounding enabling in this area would be is this temporary support or is it ongoing rescue?
SPEAKER_04Good differentiation.
SPEAKER_07Yeah. Am I acting out of peace, inner peace, I'm good with this, or pressure, high speed wobble? If you're feeling anxious and high speed wobble, that's probably not the best solution, then the the way you're leaning.
Responding To Manipulation And Pressure
SPEAKER_04You know, that leads us right into the next question. How do you handle manipulation, guilt, or emotional pressure from the adult children? You gotta recognize it first, right?
SPEAKER_07Uh I I literally have like first call it out for what it is. Now you need to reinforce this. You can have compassion for the pain or the problem or whatever the issue is, but you don't own it. You don't get down there and wallow with them. The second is we don't get defensive, we don't go into self-defense mode. This is the one time where we're not in self-defense mode, right? Adults inform their position, children explain. Don't open that door, don't don't explain your position. This is my boundary, this is where I am. And it goes no further. And then lastly, completely it's completely fine for your kids to have their reaction. They're gonna have a meltdown. This is new, this is hard, this sucks. Fine. It's okay. You can have your emotions, but just know that it's not your responsibility as the adult to go fix or handle or manage their emotions or their problems.
SPEAKER_04That's right. Encouragement is one thing. Hey, I know it's hard, but you can do it. That's a good thing. Yes. And I totally get, you know, fixing it, especially financially, giving them money. You know, it's one thing to help them occasionally. Yes. My dad used to have three sets of books because he has three sons, and we all had our name on it. And if he needed to loan you money, you put it in the book. He's got an accounting ledger, and he would remove exactly$100 for a Christmas present. That's what he would do as your Christmas present. You owed him money. And so I used to look at all three of the books because you know, I was the youngest, I was still at home. I have two older brothers, they're adults, and they're have family. So I would peek at those ledgers occasionally, and uh, it was interesting to see early on before I became an adult. Wow, look at some of the stuff they're dealing with, man. And then sometimes I would see them come over to the house and they're gonna talk to dad. And I may be in the other room, but don't you know I got my big ears listening, not saying anything, but I would hear the struggles they're having when my dad was real good about boundaries, and he was pretty hardcore. It's funny too because he was gonna help them and they knew it, but they're gonna sit there and listen to all the things that my dad has to say about it, and he was super strong-minded, man. Yeah, and he would tell them just how the old saying, the cow ate the cabbage. He would tell them just exactly the mistakes that got him here and what they needed to do to get out of it, and then he would help them.
SPEAKER_03That's awesome.
Mentors Scripture And Counseling Support
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's pretty fun to watch because it wasn't directed at me. It wasn't so fun to watch when I had to take all that, but I always knew it's in his best interest. But having a good role model from your parents on how to parent is oftentimes missing at current in some people's situation, they just didn't have that. And so I think that's a lot of times parents that are struggling the most are the parents that weren't parented well. And so, hey man, you're not alone out there. There's help like Amanda Bradley counseling for for one, you know, there's spiritual help through reading the word. There's so much wisdom in the word.
SPEAKER_07And that doesn't change with our society and its norms and their whatever the norms are going on, what's acceptable, gentle parenting versus this other more rigid parenting. The Bible stays the same.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's great to have that. Black and white, so it doesn't change. And there are churches out there changing it, and you got to be careful where you go to church, just like any other organization. You need to be careful about what is being taught. So read the word for yourself for one thing, and get into I tell you a little tip the enduring word. You can look it up on a website, it has an app. Dave Pastor David Guzick has the whole Bible commentary. He breaks it down sentence by sentence on the context, the spiritual, historical, and cultural context, man. So it's just a powerful way to be a better parent. I think there's probably no better source for parenting than the Word of God.
SPEAKER_03Agree.
SPEAKER_04But we do need human beings too. I think it's important to make contact, especially with the professional counselor when you're struggling with something that's giving you a lot of trouble. Whatever that manifests before it drives you to the bottle or drugs or lashing out in anger or destroying relationships or your health. But you know, certainly if it has done some of that, man, don't hesitate to reach out.
SPEAKER_07For sure. And I would say whether you've not had the parenting model um modeled for you, like you don't know exactly how you're supposed to parent, and you don't have a partner, there's tons of resources that even if you don't necessarily want to sit and talk about your feelings, we have skills, we have resources, we have practical application things that we can give you that don't have to sit that don't have to be about going back. It's not psychoanalytic, it's not going back to your childhood. It could, but not always.
SPEAKER_04And there's good reading material out there too, but you know, the thing is to not let it destroy you, right? Right.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_04So it's interesting to think about. I know a lot of our listeners out there are adults with adult children, you know, because they're calling me and asking about training and they're telling me what's going on. And sometimes, you know, I had um experience where you know a single parent's talking to me about a successful uh a successful 16-year-old and an unsuccessful 21-year-old. It's like, wow. You kind of think that would be the other way, but this uh older child is just making different choices and they're and they're not the good choices they want them to. While the 16-year-old, it looks like they're gonna graduate college with a degree. I mean high school with the two-year degree, right? That they're gonna be ahead of the game. And so, you know, you gotta help it helps to understand that there's a DNA aspect, a nature versus nurture. Sometimes the combination of DNA our children get is not the same as the other child.
SPEAKER_07Well, and I also would say to that that uh Dr. Kevin Lehman, I don't know if you're familiar with his work, but he is an Adlerian um psychologist. He's a Christian psychologist, and he's the one who wrote the books like Have a Different Kid by Friday, or and it he really leans hard into birth order. He's the birth order guy, if you've ever heard of him. So that's Dr. Kevin Lehman. Because every child is born into a different family, essentially. So child one learns and and views the world one way. When you have another child who's living in the same household, same parents, with now a sibling, it's it's a different family, and parents respond differently to different children. That's what is needed, right? So um birth order, I think, does matter. So the second child in this case appears to have learned what not to do based on what the first child has done, right? But it makes a lot of sense.
SPEAKER_04It does. I was the third, and I felt like I got a lot of learning of from my older brothers of what not to do, or certainly how not to get caught. That didn't always serve me well. But here, we're gonna close out this segment. Sometimes the most loving thing you can say is, I love you, but I will not support what is destroying you.
SPEAKER_07That's so funny. I I said I love you, and the answer is still no. That's right.
SPEAKER_04All right, we'll be right back with our third segment of Living Inside Out Radio, talking about adult children with Amanda Bradley County. Right back.
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SPEAKER_05Hello, my name is Greg Brainerd, owner of Brain Tech, and now another Brain Tech Tech Tip. You sit down at your desk, power on your laptop, and then you wait. You've got time to grab coffee, check your phone, maybe read the news, all while your laptop slowly crawls to life, loading program after program that you didn't even ask for. Sound familiar? Here's the fix clean up your startup items. Take control back by pressing Ctrl Shift Escape on your keyboard to open the task manager, click on the startup tab, and then you'll see everything that launches when your computer starts up. Right-click and disable anything that you don't need immediately at startup. Spotify, Adobe updaters, messaging apps, you can always open them up later. Don't worry, you're not uninstalling anything. You're just telling the system to wait until you ask for it. A little cleanup can turn five-minute boot time into 30 seconds. If you'd like BrainTech to tune up your computers, give us a call at 281-367-8253. Or visit our website, Braintech.com. Braintech making IT easy for your business. Hello, my name is Greg Brainerd, owner of Braintech. And now another Brain Tech Tech tip. You get an urgent email from Microsoft saying your account will be suspended, or a message from the bank asking you to verify a transaction. Or maybe it's your CEO asking you to buy gift cards immediately. Stop. Don't click that link. Phishing emails are designed to trick you into acting fast without thinking. They look legit. They often contain real logos and professional language and urgent deadlines. But one wrong click, you can hand over your password, install malware, or give criminals access to your entire network. Here's how to protect yourself. Just offer your mouse over the link. Look at that web address. Does it actually match the real company? If not, it's probably not legit. Second, watch for pressure tactics. Legitimate companies don't often threaten to close your account within 24 hours. And third, when in doubt, ask your IT professional. Remember, criminals only need you to slip up once, and it takes five seconds to verify before you click that link. If you'd like Braintech to help you spot phishing attacks, give us a call at 281-367-8253. Visit our website, braintech.com. BrainTech making IT easy for your business.
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SPEAKER_04Welcome back to LivingInstal Radio. I'm your host, John Peek, and my guest today is Amanda Bradley with Amanda Bradley Counseling. So thanks for being here again, Amanda.
SPEAKER_07Thanks for having me. It's been fun.
SPEAKER_04She gets to share a lot of her experience in professional teaching and from her education, and then as a mom, as a wife, as a counselor, as an athlete. So we get a lot of different aspects. She understands the Defend Fit perspective as well because she trained here. She did martial arts and fitness. She's quite the athlete and strong. So there's a strength that comes through the physical aspects that I believe strengthens your identity. It's part of your development in all seven M's ministry, marriage, mentoring, media, martial arts, muscle, and money. When you train your body, you're doing it with other people. So there's a relationship. When you train your mind, your emotions, you're oftentimes doing it because of other people. And then when you train spiritually, it's because the culmination you put yourself into a position because you can't do it alone. So that's also relationship. So we're talking about relationship with our adult children as a parent. And so when you can no longer guide their steps, you must continue to fight for them, but in a different way. And so 1 Samuel 1223 talks about prayer is not passive, it's a spiritual weapon and it is warfare. Matthew 10.37 has an identity alignment. Your identity is in Christ, not on your child's choices. You cannot sacrifice obedience to maintain relationship. I've seen that a lot too, where people are compromising their integrity, their values, their finances, their peace at home, all in the name of keeping that relationship alive with your children. And I can say that it's not worth it. Not to do that, not that level of compromise. But let's look at what Luke 15 says. There's the return. It talks about the prodigal son. And so the further the father, I'm sorry, the father was ready, and restoration requires repentance, not just reunion. So the key line here is you don't chase rebellion, but you stay ready for repentance. In a defend fit analogy, in warfare, when you when you can't reach the battlefield physically, you engage from a distance. Prayer is long-range spiritual engagement. So, Amanda, how can parents stay emotionally healthy while their child is struggling?
SPEAKER_07Well, I'm gonna go, I'm just gonna piggyback off of what you were just saying. And on my way to drop my son off earlier, we were listening, and I want to say it was in Mark, where he talks about putting on the full armor of God, right? The belt, the breastplate, having the sword. And I we were talking about that as I was going to drop him off. And so my response would be prayer, prayer, prayer. And I I would say it's not the least you can do. It is the most you can do, right? Yeah, when I hear people say, Well, the least I can do is pray for you. No, that's the most I'm gonna do. That's the most I could literally offer you, right? Is taking something that we're struggling with right here on earth and taking it to God, right? So I would also say surround yourself with believers, super important people who align with your values. I would also say hold your boundary and okay, don't panic, stay calm, don't try to control the outcome. It's not yours to control. It's really not. It is without the test, there is no testimony, right? So whether it's your testimony or their testimony, it won't happen.
SPEAKER_04You can actually make it work by panicking and it'll make you do things you shouldn't have done. Whether it's anger or relenting or various forms of compromise. You're really opening portals, what I think of, you're opening portals for demonic activity, really. And we don't look at it that way sometimes. If we don't have the right spiritual eyes, the right training in the Word of God. Um many times we don't connect those decisions to you're inviting demonic activity into your life until you're in the midst of it and see the manifestations of demonic activity, which comes through all kinds of emotional abuse, physical abuse, alcohol and substance abuse that it really can affect your your whole life, right? So, what does hope look like when things seem broken?
SPEAKER_07So I I would say hope looks different probably for different families, but ultimately I think hope looks like trusting the process of learning through the struggle, right? The struggle has to happen. We've been told from day one we're gonna have struggles, right? So truly releasing control, which is really hard for some of us control freaks. I don't know about you, but I'm a bit of a control freak. I'm very self-aware. I have become very comfortable with this part of myself, but um, it's still there, and I have I have to learn to let go of the outcomes. And I think it's really important to know that broken doesn't mean finished, right? That's it just means it's not put together. So I would say something can still be rebuilt, but it's going to take time.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, that's good. Time. Sometimes that's the hardest thing to deal with. Time and the fear of the unknown. What if this doesn't, you know, get fixed? How long can I go without talking to my child? You know? I mean, how do you rebuild a relationship after distance or conflict?
SPEAKER_07So that's that's really hard because um sometimes when one party's willing, the other is not, and we kind of get it confused that reconciliation is the same as forgiveness and it's not. So I would say again, it goes back to time and you have to be clear about what's broken, own your Part in it because most of the time you will have a part. You have some role that you've played in this mess and don't demand a response from them, right? Like you're offering, truly offering this is my responsibility, this is where I'm standing. And then if you're seeking to reconnect or re-establish a relationship, that requires emotional safety, knowing they can come back. That's why the prodigal son, I think, went back on his own terms. He went back broken, completely broke emotionally, financially, spiritually, but willing to just accept what his dad don't. Now he got, I won't say lucky, but he was blessed, right? So his outcome was different, and it was probably not what his brother was expecting.
SPEAKER_04For sure, the brother would have been doing that.
SPEAKER_07Yeah.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it made the brother angry, didn't it? Yeah, so I can really attest to that difficulty in how do you have a broken relationship and you you have a especially with a child, you don't want to lose that relationship, you want to reconnect. But like you said, it takes time. Um and even with siblings, you can have that kind of thing, right? And parents. I know somebody that's that had to cut their parents off recently, and it's been really a struggle. One of the things that I've done, and I love your feedback, it's just right here transparent on this, is reaching out to somebody that um there's been a break in the relationship and they really don't want to have anything to do with you right now. I've been sending somebody I love and care about dearly, just a short little message once a month or every couple months, hey, missing you, thinking about you.
SPEAKER_07It gets nothing else. It gets through though. It gets through. And you can't, you can't if you waited to get their response, chances are you wouldn't send another text because you would be like, oh, they're not gonna respond. It's going nowhere. But it's not. It's not, it's getting through. Even if they don't want to admit it right now, the seeds are still being planted, right? The offer is still there, the love is still there. No matter who this person is in your life, friend, relative, whatever. It's really important that if it's a prompting on your heart, then you do it. And so we just can't expect to control that outcome. They should have responded by now, right? It's been all this time. And that's not necessarily the case. These things take time.
SPEAKER_04I think that may be a hard, very hard task for some people to go ahead and reach out knowing that they may not, and it'll stop them from reaching out. And then the other person's thinking they don't care anymore, or have all kinds of things that could be thinking, right? We don't know. But by reaching out, you're telling them no matter what's happened, you still love them and care about them, right?
SPEAKER_07I recently got out of the mind reading business. I'm just kidding, like I've never been in it. But I I feel like I tried to jump to conclusions or do a little bit of mind reading when I also would engage people and I was anticipating their responses, right?
SPEAKER_04We do it all the time.
SPEAKER_07And it's not for me to do. They're allowed to have their thoughts and feelings and wallow or whatever. But then we still have to carry on the way that we know how, in truth and in clarity and in courage.
SPEAKER_04I I can't fix them when they have the wrong response.
SPEAKER_07Probably not.
Grandparenting And Generational Mentoring
SPEAKER_04That's what we like to do as parents, though. It's uh my oldest daughter has uh children, she's doing a great job, just an amazing daughter. And um, when something's going on at the house and she's disciplining her kids, I won't say a word, but I'll watch and I'll look and I'll listen. Of course, the kids know I'm watching, looking, and listening. And sometimes she'll look over at me and sometimes she won't even glance my way at all. We've had all these different opportunities to handle it different ways. And sometimes I'll ask her, hey, you want me to say anything? And sometimes she'll say, Yeah, absolutely, jump her in. And sometimes I just sense this is not the time to say anything. Not even ask her that question. Right? You gotta be sensitive to that, be willing. I think the big picture here is knowing it's not your job. They're not your kids, they're your grandkids, right? With adult children, with kids. Yeah, yeah, you know, so you gotta let them be parents now. That's not always that hard because it's funny too, because when she uh has many times she's of course let me um talk to her own her children, right? She knows that I'm gonna mentor them and she'll see how I'm dealing with them, and then remember back how I dealt with her and her sister. Yes. Who is this person? Yes. You didn't that's not what you what you did when we were, you know, young. You were much harder. I go, well, I've learned. You know, there's an old country saying, I love the country sayings, but my parents gave me a lot of country sayings. They were from the country, man, but very intelligent, very wise. Um, you can catch more flies with uh sugar than vinegar, sometimes being nice and working through it and listening well. But my daughter, she is amazing on talking things out and not reacting with all kinds of crazy emotions. She just is very even killed. I really appreciate that because her children receive that so well.
SPEAKER_07Yes. And and I think there's something to be said too, like mentored down through the generations, right? So we respond to our children rather than react to them, right? Big difference. Responding means I'm aware of my being, I'm aware of my emotions, I'm aware of what truth is. Response or reaction is like you get what you get. And it could come out of left field, or it could be, you know, the norm. But you reaction is just very impulsive. Response is what you know.
SPEAKER_04Yeah, it's a mature response. Yeah. Give yourself a little time to think about it before you speak sometimes. I uh my father was watching me grow up, watching my kids grow up, me be a dad. And it was interesting, you know. He saw me differently. I I knew I could see his uh taking that in and watching how I'm doing my kids differently. And I would tell him, What are you thinking? I would ask him, I could tell he was thinking something, right? So I'm like, so what are you thinking about? I see either wheels are rolling, dad. Do tell.
SPEAKER_03Yeah.
SPEAKER_04He goes, Oh, well, I was hoping you'd have a little bit more come up us. And if for those of you who don't don't know what come up us means, he was hoping I would get more grief from my daughters that I gave him so much trouble. I was not a good teenager. And so my daughters were not me at all. They're just, I don't know, I think they were pretty easy to raise personally, you know. But I also had a different standard. I raised them in the church, I taught them the word of God, I would talk to them, not scream and yell at them. I was I could be hardcore with them. And one time they asked me, Dad, how come you treat us like boys? I go, Treat you like boys? What do you mean? Well, you make us, you know, hand you tools if you're working on the car, or you have to mow, or you're doing something outside with to help you with, or we just have to do. I said, you know, your husbands will thank me. Yeah, but you're becoming I'm just strengthening your identity. Right. You're not a powder puff, you won't break.
SPEAKER_03That's right.
Closing Thoughts And How To Connect
SPEAKER_04You make us do martial arts, that's one thing they wanted out of when they were younger. And I did let them take a break and they came back on their own, so that was a beautiful thing. So, listen, parenting adult children is one of the greatest tests of faith. But remember this you are not the savior. Jesus is. Right. And sometimes hard do we have to remember that. You are not the Holy Spirit, you are the parent. Your role is to love, stand firm, and stay faithful. And the Father, like in Luke 15, keep your heart ready, keep your eyes watching, and keep your arms open for them when they come home. So here's a bonus call to action. Are you walking through this right now? You're not alone. So call AmandaBradley.com and get on the website. You can do tell them a little bit more how that process works, Amanda.
SPEAKER_07Oh, so they can go to my website, Amanda Bradley Counseling.com. Um, and there's just a little form right there. They fill out their name, number, email so I can get in touch with them and learn a little bit more about what's going on and how I can help. Um, it's pretty easy. Also, my local number is 281-402-3166, and they could text or call me on that number.
SPEAKER_04And say that number one more time.
SPEAKER_072814 3166.
SPEAKER_04Excellent. Well, thank you. It's been so good to have you here, Amanda. The listening audience, join us at DeFinFit. We're in Webster, Texas, 17317, El Camino Real, very close to Johnson Space Center. So, DeFinFit where we train not just the body, but the mind, the relationships, and the spirit. Because strong families don't happen by accident. They're built from the inside out.
SPEAKER_07Thank you for having me.
SPEAKER_04Thank you for being here. Y'all have a great weekend and God bless.
SPEAKER_06Tune in next week for another edition of the Living Inside Out Radio Show.
SPEAKER_02Living inside out isn't a slogan. It's a mentoring movement. It's about training leaders on the inside out of the lift, you listen to that you live and all right.