Living Inside Out with John Peek
Welcome to Living Inside Out with John Peek!
Living Inside Out with John Peek
How To Build Strong Relationships And Mental Resilience Daily
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Isolation, procrastination, and “I’ll deal with it later” can look like personality quirks, but they often point to something deeper: the habits shaping your identity when nobody is watching. We talk through the warrior mindset as a practical way to build strength from the inside out, and counselor Amanda Bradley brings a trauma-informed lens to why connection, growth, and problem-solving can feel so hard even when we know what we should do.
We dig into habit four, building relationships daily, and why social connection is tied to mental health, anxiety, and depression. Amanda explains how the brain is wired for connection and survival, and how early self-protection can become isolation, ghosting, and distrust later in life. From there we get concrete: accountability, mentorship, and “showing up” matter because shame grows in the dark, and trust grows when we practice courage and appropriate vulnerability over time.
Then we move into habit five, learning and growing, where stagnation feeds stuckness and momentum changes everything. We unpack the idea that depression pulls us into the past while anxiety lives in the future, and John connects it to stress training and self-defense mindset: learn from the past, live in the present, and keep an eye on what is next. Finally, habit six brings it home: solve problems, don’t avoid them. We talk avoidance as a trauma response, the amygdala’s alarm system, the long-term cost to your relationships and quality of life, and practical tools like journaling and circles of control to take the next step.
If this helps you, subscribe, share it with a friend who’s stuck, and leave a review so more people can find Living Inside Out Radio. What habit are you choosing to practice daily starting today?
Welcome And Habit Framework
SPEAKER_05Welcome to the Living Inside Out Radio Show with John Peake.
Habit Four Build Relationships Daily
SPEAKER_01Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. I'm your host, John Peak, and I've got my special guest in here today, Amanda Bradley from Amanda Bradley Counseling, and we have been talking about the six daily habits. And so I like to put it like this there's an aspect of living, and you can think of yourself as a warrior trying to have a disciplined life, spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically. So the title of our last show, and we're continuing that today, is six daily habits that shape a warrior's life. You know, faith, discipline, and consistency. So we talked about, you know, the first daily habit is to move your body daily. Ever exercise improves your mood, your energy, your longevity. Movement is stewardship. We're really needing to be a good steward of our body so that we can have longevity. But to FinFit, martial arts, fitness, and firearms, we say that warriors train daily, not occasionally. Because if you don't train your body, you can't protect what matters most. And so we went through a whole series of questions and answers with Amanda, and we got a lot of science behind what I'm talking about experientially and with a lot of feedback over the 41 years of teaching and training of people, and we developed these six habits. And the second habit is start your day with intention. High performers typically win the morning first. They're planning well, not just making up as they go. And then we made it practical. We talked about, you know, starting your day spiritually and what that looked like. And then we went on to understand more about the science of that through questions. And then we had a third habit of connecting to something higher, which reinforced the ministry aspect, which is my first and foundational seven uh M's, which is ministry, marriage, mentoring, media, martial arts, muscle, and money. And by doing the seven days, in seven different M's inside these six habits, man, you can really transform your life. And we have the science to back it up. So your life isn't built in years, it's built in days. And what you do daily is so critical. So this segment of the show, we're going to be covering the inner game, mind relationships, and growth. So external success is built from internal discipline. So let's keep building the warrior. The fourth habit is now build relationships daily. Social connection is one of the strongest predictors of happiness. And this falls into my marriage category. And it's not just about your marriage. If you are married, then that's a covenant before God. So that's the second most important part of your life is nurturing that marriage. You've committed for life or death, for good or bad. And so you want to really feed that so you do have good. And it takes intention and work. It's a commitment, not an emotion. And Proverbs 27:17 says that I sharpen iron as one person sharpens another. So you can do that with each other, but you both have to be mentally healthy to be able to pull that off. And I think it's so important to understand that you have to work at it. So how do you do that? How do you build those social? How do you strengthen each other? So let's get real. Isolation weakens you, but the brotherhood builds you. So Amanda, when you work directly with relationships, why is connection so critical to mental to mental health?
SPEAKER_06That's that's a really good question. And I would say that um because I've heard this before, like, oh, I'm a loner. I I really kind of like to do my own thing. And you'll often find those people struggling with immense anxiety and immense depression, right? Because the way our brains are wired are are literally for connection and survival. And you have both when you're born. And as a caregiver, right? A parent um or just a caregiver in general, you are then, and we talked about this in our first episode together about adult children, is that it's our jobs as parents to be there and to continue that connection and survival for the babies, right? They have to have us. And so we're taught that to be reliant on someone from day one, but literally day one. You are what are you gonna do? Are you gonna survive on your own as a newborn? But it's not gonna happen like it's not possible, right? So that's literally the way God wired you was for connection. He knew it was not good for man to be alone. I that's pretty clear in Genesis, right? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01It's funny because even for myself, I can think about choosing an occupation, and I was in a place of such lack of development and immaturity that I chose an occupation that I worked with equipment and machines and technology and instrumentation. So I didn't have to deal with the public, just people in general, right? And and as I had this parallel career of martial arts and fitness and firearms, and that's all I do now is I interact with, and I did I saw that pretty early on. And so I think a lot of times this aspect of wanting to be a loner just comes from insecurity, the root of lack of development. Because I took a course on public speaking at college for my degree, and and that after my second speech, my teacher asked me to stay after class, and I'm like, uh-oh, this can't be good. That's usually my go-to because a troublemaker usually is getting in trouble. So um but I didn't do anything to get in trouble. So anyway, she says, What's your degree in? And I told her instrumentation, she said, Have have you ever considered being a public speaker? It's like, dear God, no. That's like one of the things I dreaded most is speaking in front of people.
SPEAKER_06That is actually one of the top ten fears of people and has been for a super long time, yeah, is fear of public speaking.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. But after I had studied and trained in martial arts and I had to do demonstrations and performances and competition, and I played in a band, and so I'm doing performances there, sometimes in front of thousands of people. Well, I've I saw that no, it was my lack of preparation that caused my fear of speaking. And then, as even a pastor, I'm speaking in front of people, and I and I became aware that you know what? I really do enjoy the interaction of preparation and speaking on things I know about. There you go. I don't want to wing it. I don't really want to wing it too much. Although I wing it more now than ever, but yeah, I'm 62. So it's not like I'm starting from scratch when I was 18.
SPEAKER_06I was about to say there there's a lot of wisdom in that coming from the perspective that you do. And you like people seek your guidance, right, for all these different areas of their life. And so you're not really winging it at this point. That's true. There's so much experience under your belt.
Why Isolation Fuels Anxiety
SPEAKER_01So it's true. And that's one of the reasons I came up with the 7Ms because I was doing that to rebuild me a little bit at a time in all these different ways. And and I saw the value of, especially as a dad, man. I need to pass this on to my generations, but more than that, every single person I I come in contact with can benefit from multiple things uh that we teach that do come out on the mat. Many times I find um on the mat is exposing us in areas that we didn't really know that would come out like that. And so it's uh it's not a vulnerable place where you feel bad. It's like, oh, you just become aware of uh the way you learn and who you are and your identity strengthens. You didn't realize it needed to be strengthened, but it really does when you start connecting in these six daily habits and the seven M's. And so what does the actual uh the isolation actually do to a person over time? And you said it depression and anxiety, but why do people push away the very relationships they need?
SPEAKER_06Well, I think you mentioned this earlier, and that is um, I would say A, it's a survival skill, but also it's a s it's a form of self-protection out of self-preservation, right? Because um it's usually developed early on, right? The learning I can't depend on my caregiver, learning I can't expect you to respond to my need. So I will take care of it, or I simply just won't ask, right? So they tend to isolate and go inside of themselves. So um and these people as they grow up and they develop relationships, these are the people who will ghost you. These are the people who will like self-sabotage, they'll end a relationship before it ever really gets started, you know, um, because they don't trust. And it's not necessarily they don't trust other people while that's true. But the truth is they don't trust their decision-making skills.
SPEAKER_01I could see that. Yeah. You know, there's also another aspect that comes to mind when you say that is the root of insecurity oftentimes breeds bullies or arrogancy. Um but sometimes, you know, you don't want to uh get exposed on what you don't know, your shortcomings. So I'm not gonna have that relationship because these people are too far advanced for me. They're gonna just see how uh underdeveloped I am. So it's root of insecurity. In fact, there's a famous saying, I'll just paraphrase it, it's better to not say something and people think you're an idiot than to speak and remove all doubt. Right, yes, absolutely. My grandfather used to say kids are meant to be heard, not seen. I mean seen, not heard. I wouldn't flip it on him because I'm always talking, but yeah, seen not heard. So he wanted us, he goes, at your young age, son, you don't have much to contribute. Just understand that, but listen and learn. And then when you do speak, you'll have something more intelligent to say. Yeah. Because a lot of times, you know, kids will just speak what's on their mind, not even thinking. Lazy thinkers, too. I've seen adults be lazy thinkers.
SPEAKER_06Just super impulsive. Yeah, exactly. Reactive. So rather than give it a beat and process it and think about it and actually contribute, it's just extremely reactive.
SPEAKER_01And so it's just personality driven a lot of times, you know, somebody. But I think it's important to take charge of that. So let's ask this question how do accountability and mentorship protect people from destructive decisions?
SPEAKER_06Um, you know, I would go even as far as to to look back biblically and to talk about accountability. Jesus was hardly ever alone. And when he was alone, it was by his choice when he was praying. Jesus also had people around him, right? He had the apostles, he had followers, he had disciples, and not that Jesus needed accountability, right? But it does pass on the idea that they are accountable, the brotherhood of them can strengthen, right? Like you said before, iron sharpens iron. And having shame grows in the dark, guilt grows in the dark, mostly shame. But when you're out in the light and things are talked about and they're exposed, it removes shame because then I see your dirt, you see my dirt, and we're the same. We're just getting through this together, though, right?
SPEAKER_01You see that common bond that we have very similar struggles. I think across all countries, creeds, religions, there's a lot of similarities. Yes. I think we're more alike than we are different. And you can see it when you start sharing in various ways. So, what's one practical way someone can start rebuilding healthy relationships today?
SPEAKER_06Um, I would say start by showing up. Have the courage to show up and be willing and vulnerable to be seen, share your story, listen with empathy or at least curiosity, right? Because sometimes empathy is just not there.
SPEAKER_01Interesting you use the word vulnerable because I think most people don't want to be vulnerable at all. And I don't think we realize that there's a certain reluctance to put ourselves out there, get dressed, go to this event. Just being there, you feel a certain amount of uh exposure. That's I'm just gonna use the exposure instead of vulnerability. I knew you were gonna say exposure. Because I don't want to use vulnerability. I'm a man. Yes, I'm not vulnerable. That's right. No, but we are vulnerable in so many ways. But you're just putting yourself, I I tell you the first place I felt very uncomfortable is just in the classroom being called on. And then as you get older, you feel a little outside of your place when you're in the lunchroom with your friends and you're with a new group of friends, or where are your friends? You're trying to look and you're alone. And then going to church for the first time uh as an adult, don't feel comfortable. It's a new environment. Anytime you start something new, you don't feel you're not in stride because it's new.
SPEAKER_06Right.
SPEAKER_01So we're a little reluctant to try the new thing.
SPEAKER_06I would say the same when I first started coming here to train. Right. I was people who walk into these spaces, they have no idea what to expect. At least I didn't. I'd never done anything like this before.
SPEAKER_01Fear of the unknown.
SPEAKER_06Yes. And so anything could happen. I'm being super vulnerable in this moment, also courageous because I'm gonna do it anyway. That means I'm gonna try it. And so I did and loved it and it was great. But continuing to have relationships where or or try things where it requires courage first and you're bringing with it vulnerability, right? Whether you're trying something or you're going into a relationship or you have a relationship, um, being aware that it's okay to be vulnerable. It's absolutely necessary to build trust because that's the end goal, right? I'm gonna trust that when I come here, I'm gonna learn things, I'm gonna enjoy, I'm gonna be building relationships. There's a trust there. Same goes for relationships, marriage and family relationships, friendships. Requires vulnerability and courage to equal trust over time.
SPEAKER_01Man, all those words are I think are like, I don't want to, you know, expose those, right? Just those words. But um, I think it's really necessary to step out of your comfort zone, generally speaking, uh, in a consistent manner over time. If you want to grow, if you want to be a lifelong learner, or if you want to be the person you want to be, you have to be a lifelong learner, which means you have to be outside of your comfort zone. It's interesting because once you do something for a while, that new theme becomes familiar, and you can make strides in in your growth that you had no idea were even possible. But it is important to use good wisdom to discernment, maybe get good referrals, look at Google reviews. And you know, we have a lot of Google reviews on DeFinFit, and uh there's never anything about money or safety, or it's it's a beautiful thing to watch people put those reviews out there that I can't change. I can't do anything about them.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01If I could, I don't know how. But um the proof's in the pudding over time, right? 41 years, and you we grow and build relationships, and some people come and stay for a while, and some people uh stay for a long time. I have people that have been with me 25 years, and I have people that just can only stay for a couple months for various reasons, you know. Some have moved off and they're like, I wish I could have stayed longer, but my job took me somewhere else. But um, listen, it's important to have the daily habits. Our next habit is going to be uh number five, and it's keep learning and growing. Funny how we just happen to be on that very thing. But stay with us. We're you're listening to Living In South Radio with Amanda Bradley and I'm your host, John Peake, and we'll be right back.
Sponsor Break
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SPEAKER_01Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. We are covering the six daily habits that make you a strong, engaging person, the kind of person you think you might want to become. And I think of it in the warrior mindset, strengthening the spirit, mind, and body. So we are three-dimensional creatures, and I think it's important to train in those three dimensions. And I break it down further with the seven M's. So number five habit is keep growing and learning. Keep learning and growing. Happy people grow. This is the mind, money, and media category. And in the scripture version is Proverbs 4 7 that wisdom is the principal thing. So growth creates momentum and stagnation creates decline. You are either sharpening or rusting. Movement is life. So Amanda, when you think about your daily schedule of moving, I know that you um lift weights. I know you've done martial arts with me. I know that you have to go do things and you're doing things as a mom and a wife. And so there's a lot of movement involved for us in our daily habits when when we are people that like to move, that's a good thing. So what happens when someone stops growing mentally or emotionally?
SPEAKER_06So often what I see is um obviously just when you stop growing emotionally and and mentally, you get stuck, right? And that's usually when people show up to me, right? It's not because everything's going well in their life and they just want to tell me about it. That's not how that works. But growth is how we stay connected. And what happens is um when you get stuck, there's a decreased self-awareness. Um, you start to recycle some of those old patterns, like I can't get out of my way, I can't get out of my way. I can't well, that's because you're not stepping out and trying the new, trying the hard, trying the different, being a little bit vulnerable, right?
SPEAKER_01That word again.
SPEAKER_06I would say it also increases anxiety or the flip opposite, it can increase numbness, that feeling of nothing is going on, right? Because they're stuck. I mean, you're right, you're you're at you're below baseline at this point, right?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I see. I see. So not growing a mentally or emotionally can maybe even have a sense of maybe boredom and lit leads to I don't have a purpose. You know, if you don't have a purpose, I can see how you can stop growing mentally or emotionally. If you have a purpose, I I find it hard to fathom how you could not continue moving forward. So we talked about that earlier. We'll talk more about that, but let's uh let's ask this question. Do you see a connection between stagnation and depression?
Stagnation Depression And The Past
SPEAKER_06For sure. Yeah. Yeah. Um, so depression tends to reside in the past. And so if you're going back there and you're visiting that frequently, I would say that tells me stuckness, right? If you're residing in the past and not even in the present, forget about the future, but we're not even in the present. You're definitely stuck, right? Uh, which is the definition of stagnation. When you're back there, back there tells me that like you don't have the momentum, you don't have the movement like you were talking about earlier, to put one foot in front of the other and come forward to today. Let's just notice what's going on today. Depression is so I heard this a long time ago, and I can't I can't remember where I heard it, but depression resides in the past. Anxiety is always future oriented. Always. Those are things that have not come to pass yet, right? So if we're literally in today, that gives us some momentum. That gives us some movement, some ability to move around in what we're struggling with today, not past.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's good. I talk about that in uh my crowd classes where we have a situation where we have to defend ourselves. And then we have this, I do a concept of threes where I talk about before, during, and after, long range, medium-range, short range, you know, uh use of force, restraint, and capacity terminate. But when we're talking about this idea of being present, right? I talk about learn from the past, live in the present with an eye to the future, right? And so when uh there's an assault situation, we become so stressed that anxiety goes up so high, and the adrenaline dump creates tunnel vision and auditory exclusion, bronchial tubes come you know, compress, our blood vessels can constrict. And so oftentimes a classic example of defending yourself, and then you look to get away and you turn back and watch what just happened as you're backing out of there. So you're literally living in the past, but moving backwards where you can't see where you're going. So you're not living in the present, you're living in the past. So I have this process where I say, identify the primary threat, strike clinch, and finish, meaning I've done and done enough uh defense, damage, violence, really, to move on to what's next. And I'm truly living in the present, looking for what's going to happen next with an eye to the future. But I do glance back and consider what could happen from my past. But 90%, you know, you're moving forward while 10% you just check to make sure that re doesn't remanifest. But I think that happens in life a lot where we're living in the past and not or the future and not living in the present at all. Very little.
SPEAKER_06I agree. And I think that some it's not that the past doesn't inform because there's there's a ton of content that comes with our life, it informs our worldview. My world is safe, my world is not safe, you know. Like there's there's a ton of information that we have in us, but also, like you said, that that also can create a narrative about what goes forward. And so that's where you have all that anxious thought, right? But if you are in the present and we are focusing on, I have some information from the past, this is what I plan to do for the future. So right now I will, and then there should be a plan of action, right? Um, being able to carry the information from the past in and your plan going forward, it's good to have a good balance. What happens in stuckness is I can't get out of the past, I can't move forward. There's a block. I would say something like procrastination or that freeze response, and that's your amygdala kicking in, going, Oh, it's not safe. This is something terrible is gonna happen to you if you try, right? Or if you attempt to get out of this, or you attempt to survive this, something terrible's gonna happen. It's not true. You know, that's your system responding the way that it's supposed to, but I would check it. It's one source of information, just like logic, just like emotions, it's one source of information, and it's not always accurate.
Mindset Trauma And Inner Healing
SPEAKER_01I call that living in the truth. I talk about that a lot. So a lot of times when I'm training somebody and they've been training with me for years, and I tell them, man, you've gotten so good. I'm seeing this and that, and they're like, Yeah, I don't feel like that way. I said, it's understandable. It's hard for you to see yourself. That's right. Right? It's hard to live in the truth of where you're really at. And typically what we do is we either undervalue who we are as our identity, or we overvalue who we are as our identity. And so living in the truth is somewhere in between. And uh when you're defending yourself, you have to live in the truth of I actually did what I needed to do and finish that, neutralize that threat. So I have earned the right to move on. You're almost, I equate it to you're like a purchasing agent. You've purchased that ability to move on. And so a lot of time it's a price we've paid to earn the right to live in the present. And then with an eye to the future, we're always looking at the future, but you're right, we are a product of our experiences, but sometimes we don't think about it deep enough. I say Einstein said, make it simple as possible, not simpler. And it doesn't really speak to me when it's said that way, but keep it simple, smart, but not too simple. To me, that speaks to me because I always heard for a long time, keep it simple, stupid. Meaning don't overcomplicate things, right? But one of my mentors, Hakka Kaim, who comes here once a year and trains, he's got a force necessary system, and he's in the hall martial art hall of fame. You know, I'm a double black belt in his system. He's an amazing young uh man, renaissance man, an author of fiction and nonfiction. He's done so many things in his life, but he's told me one time, he goes, Yeah, I I said that to one of my students, and he just at the right time, 10 or 15 minutes later, he says, Hey, you know what you said earlier about keep it simple, stupid? I go, yeah. And intuitively, I know I shouldn't have said that already because he's talking to me about it before he even said anything. He said, Yeah, we say it like this keep it simple, smart, but not too simple. So I made that a part of my logo because it's so profound to simplify things to we can understand it because it is hard to live in the truth, it is hard to evaluate ourselves, but it's important to like go back and really understand that this is about a mindset that we're developing on how we're living and really uh understanding who we are. Let's ask this question about that. What role does mindset play in overcoming setbacks or trauma?
SPEAKER_06So I would say a couple of things. Uh, there's a couple of different roles. Um having courage to ask for help, having v the vulnerability to address it, but I think that the actual processing of trauma occurs in the body, right? Because that's where your your limbic system and your nervous system, that's what they know. That is their truth, right? That's so the willingness to show up and take a sh it takes a super strong mindset to even consider saying, hey, I need some help in this area. There's that V word that we don't like, that vulnerability, right? But being able to ask for the help, um, and then actually start the process of overcoming the setbacks and overcoming the trauma, realizing that a party of one is probably not gonna cut it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, that's true. You know, this idea of uh overcoming setbacks or trauma. I'm walking along the path, developing spirit, mind, and body for many years. And then I had a two young men come to me to train in firearm training. They've been to Israel a bunch of times that are eight tours Israel, leading their church as pastors, and their dad's a pastor, and he's been like, I don't think, 28 times to Israel. And they had this thing they were doing, unbeknownst to me. What I saw on the mat was two very mature people picking up things very quickly. And it's what they said, and more even what they didn't say as they're responding to the training and coming back week after week. These two guys, they're 20 years older than me, and they they're it's almost like they're further advanced in the spiritual realm, which is fostering the mental, emotional, physical acceleration, right? So I'm trying to get to the root of what's going on with these two guys, right? Pastors, right? And so I end up being invited to their church, and um I get to know their dad, and they have this thing they call inner healing that they go through. And it's not right away, but I mean it's a process of learning, man, I need this thing that they're doing there called inner healing. And all it is is um doing what Jesus said his mission was to do. In Hebrews, uh, I mean, in Luke 4.18, he he reads when he went back to the synagogue in his hometown to start, and he was starting his ministry, they invited him up to read the Torah, and he opened Isaiah 61, what we call Isaiah 61. It doesn't actually have chapters, but the scroll and it says, he read basically, I come to heal the broken heart and to set the captives free. And I'm paraphrasing, it's a little bit longer than that, but that's essentially what he came to do, right? Heal our broken heart and set us free. And this is strongholds and setbacks. And so inner healing is about going back through your memory in a very transparent way with your pastor. In this case, my pastor, Pastor Daniel Cisneros Sr. in at Townwood, and he just walked me through my past brokenness. And I just named every name and what it was that they did to me, and I gave them forgiveness one line item at a time in the name of Jesus. Not by my own, you know, but by the Spirit of God, the Holy Spirit living in me, allow me for forgive. And that took a while. And then the other side is the strongholds, those are things that we think and do, and they're sinful behavior, and you need to go through that list and what you did and who you did it with. It's like naming names, you know, and so you go through that list and you ask forgiveness for each line item, right? And you know, my time, it took like three and a half hours for me to go through this process, right, with my pastor. And it was so simple but yet unbelievably profound. It's almost like I think of it as like an echo sketch. You do your drawing and you want a clean slate, you just shake it loose, right? And it covers it up. And so that's what Jesus came to do is cover our sins, right, and set us free. But I don't think we hear that enough that Jesus comes to heal the brokenhearted and to set the captives free. And that's all about this understanding or mindset of overcoming setbacks and trauma. And it's a place of freedom that needs to be talked about every single day. And you have to remind yourself this is the power you have as a believer in Jesus. You don't fight for victory, you're fighting from victory. We've already won, we just don't know it. And the number number one word that I think of, it's a little bit akin to vulnerability, but it's more specific to surrendering our will. That word surrender. You mean I can win by surrendering? That doesn't fit the warrior mindset.
SPEAKER_06Yeah, yeah.
Sponsor Break
SPEAKER_01But it is. You actually win by surrendering your will. When something comes into your mind that's compromised and you know you shouldn't be doing that, if you'll just count to three, get up and move, your mind will start thinking of other things and you can leave that behind. Those choices were made for you already of what's right and what's wrong. And so if you just surrender that part of your will, it makes it very easy to not do or think those things. So listen, we'll be right back. We have number six habits, solve problems, don't avoid them. This is Living Inside Out Radio. We're bringing you a warrior mindset with Amanda Bradley Counseling, and we'll be right back.
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SPEAKER_01Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. I'm your host, John Peak, and I've got Amanda Bradley here, and we've been talking about some very interesting things, developing the six habits, man, that make you a dynamic person, a warrior mindset, a person that you really aspire to be. We sometimes can see that in other people, but have trouble seeing it in ourselves. So the sixth habit that we're going to cover today with Amanda is solve problems, don't avoid them. This is a warrior mindset. The spiritual aspect is James 1, 2 through 4, is count at all joy when you face trial. At DefendFit, we train under pressure. The pressure is low at first and it gradually increases, and we simulate stress because it prepares us for reality. Weak men avoid problems, strong men solve them. And so we want to have this mindset. And you may have heard this strong, uh hard times make strong men, strong men make good times, good times make weak men, and weak men make hard times, and the cycle repeats itself. And so are you being the strong man, a weak man? Are you causing problems? Are you solving problems? So understand the problems oftentimes reside in our mindset, in our daily habits, and our inability to properly analyze or even our unwillingness to call for help or start a new thing that can provide help, like a new activity, whether it's training at Defend Fit or getting a gym membership. But you're not alone and you shouldn't try to do a lot of these things solo. You should be in an environment with other people because it stimulates your mind. You have the chance to build relationships and learn, as iron does, truly sharpen iron. But you do have to evaluate and use good wisdom discernment to put yourself around good people and guard against the bad. So let's transition to asking Amanda why do people avoid problems even when they know it's hurting them?
Avoidance As A Trauma Response
SPEAKER_06So when I see this um from a trauma-informed perspective, especially I can't not look at it through a therapy lens, but um, I would say it's out of survival and out of self-preservation. That again is something that's learned very, very early on. And unless you're aware of it, you don't break that cycle. So avoidance and procrastination are both trauma responses that have kept this person alive. And it's been a skill that has served them well, right? Because they're okay. They're they're getting through things. Now they're avoiding them, but it they they they themselves are getting through whatever the conflict or the issue is.
SPEAKER_01I can see that. Even in myself, when I avoid certain problems, sometimes it's just out of laziness, sometimes I'm procrastinating. I know I have to deal with it, but I don't want to deal with it right now. So you justify, you know, why not to solve the problem? Sometimes you're like trying to justify or even analyze when and maybe you're doing a good job. It's you know, I don't want to fight so hard with this problem that I lose the war, and maybe I've won this short little battle, but I destroy relationships along the way. And I think, at least for me, at least, you know, I think the hardest battles are about relationships. You can't control other people. When a defend fit mentality, that's really what you're doing. You can't control the situation because these people are trying to assault you, and so you have to use your skills to defeat this person in a combination of different ways. But it's always from the mind. Your mind is trained to defend in various ways, and you have to identify the primary threat, strike, clinch, and finish, and then you have to look for what's next. But post-engagement protocol. So I think of it like before, dearing, and after. You know, before, if I watch carefully, I can avoid those problems. Maybe I can remove myself from threat, de-escalate. Uh right in the middle of the deering. Oh man, I've got this problem. There's no way to avoid it, I'm gonna deal with it head on. You don't have a choice to procrastinate when it's a physical confrontation. Um, and then afterwards, and in the martial art community in general, they people don't think about the post-engagement protocol. It's very rare to program what's next. Avoid the idea is fight, avoid, pick-up, rescue, right? Look for a sanitator, third attacker, avoid fixed objects because you could turn to run, go between two cars, and catch a trailer hitch across the shin, and you may be totally uh incapacitated, right? The broken leg. And if you've ever hit anything with your shin, it's pretty easy to imagine hitting a trailer hitch, which I've done too. Uh, and then you're thinking about um picking up, making sure you're not leaving your most essential things behind, like keys, wallet, phone. And then third party protection. You may have to go into what we you know, what I've learned from a bodyguard community. Um, the bodyguard for the prime minister of Israel taught me how to do third-party protection. And so we bring that to the table. So it becomes this bigger picture before doing and after, but you know, avoiding problems when you know it's hurting you is the definition of insanity, really. But we still get stuck there.
SPEAKER_06Because that's your amygdala kicking in. So, like when somebody is a threat to you, and your response because of your training is fight, or maybe it's flight because flight would be more appropriate for some people who don't have the skill, or they panic, or they literally freeze, like a dead in the head, uh like a deer in the headlights, or there's a fawn response too. And a fawn response would be people pleasing, okay, here, you can have everything. Here, here's my firstborn.
SPEAKER_01Enabler.
SPEAKER_06Yes. So when I see things um when I hear people avoiding problems, that tells me there's a reason, there's a a stuck. There's that stuckness again, and that tells me their amygdala isn't it's just like bright red screaming, hey, you're gonna die, you're not gonna make it. Even if it's like, hey, you have to return this email and you're like, but I don't know what to say.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_06Or I have to take this call, but I'd really rather not.
The Hidden Cost Of Procrastination
SPEAKER_01So what's the long-term cost of avoidance?
SPEAKER_06Well, like with everything, there's a cost, right? When we avoid things such as taxes or relationship conversations, or I would say it can be any number of things. The bottom line is is your quality of life. It's gonna be your relationships, your financial stress, it's gonna be your emotional distress or dysregulation, your spiritual, um, the inability for you to grow spiritually.
SPEAKER_01So what I hear when you say all those things cumulatively, I hear the long-term cost of avoidance is a loss of identity. You're wounding your whole understanding of who you are, and lack of development in your identity will cause you not to make good decisions, will cause you to avoid things. It can cause so much anxiety and depression because you don't have an identity. So, how does avoidance increase identity and what's advice do you have for someone overwhelmed?
SPEAKER_06I would say you know it's still there. The problem, the issue, the brokenness, it's still going, it's still there. So the amygdala gets poked over and over, and she starts narrating the story and the lies and the shame. So it's really like you said earlier, it's like this cycle of does of how does avoidance increase anxiety? And it's because it just becomes this cycle of I know it's there, I know I need to address it, I can't address it, I'm stuck. And then your amygdala, your Amy, she just gets louder and louder, and you start to develop this narrative about who you are, it then becomes less about the problem and your failure, character flaws as a person.
Journaling And Circles Of Control
SPEAKER_01And we're what's your advice with someone that's kind of like in this place is you counsel. Can we like uh remind ourselves, like writing a list of all the assets and maybe write a list of all the things we're grateful for? Does that stuff work, Amanda, when when people journal like that?
SPEAKER_06So I will say yes, there's a benefit to writing and journaling. There's a part of your brain that's the language center, it's called your brokas, and it's on the left side of your brain. And you're a lot of your emotions are on, I would say you more on your right side of your brain, right? And so when you're writing, it creates emotional distance from the issue. When you're able to put words to what's going on, it it creates some emotional distance. In terms of what should you do, I think it depends on largely what what the issue is, but literally the most important thing is giving yourself grace and breaking it down. The worst thing that you can do is be harder on yourself, right? That's not gonna be helpful in this moment. I would take a breath, step back, and look there's there are what we call circles of control. There are going to be things that are within your control and your ability to manipulate and to use and to change. But there's also going to be things outside of that circle that you have zero control over. You have no control over whether someone comes after you or not. What you have control over is how you respond, what you do. Are you going to run? Are you going to fight? Are you going to play dead? I don't know. But that's what's within your control.
SPEAKER_01Gotcha. So take responsibility for the things you can't control and let go of the things you can't. That makes a lot of sense. Just practically. I like to keep it simple, smart. Yes. But not too simple. Because literally, if you're not thinking deep enough how to solve these problems and really how to strengthen your identity, then you are gonna be caught. It's just a matter of time before it catches up to you.
SPEAKER_06And in terms of what you have responsibility for in terms of your avoidance and how we start to approach what you avoid, is getting curious about what it's costing you to continue the avoidance or what it's costing you if you stopped avoiding, but what's your benefit to addressing, right? There's there's always a cost to our actions. I don't want to say good or bad, but there's always a price.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, you know, I can remember paying the price in certain ways that later became a real blessing to me because I did have to suffer the consequences of my actions because I wouldn't change my actions. And then I learned a hard lesson later. And that lesson actually got to help other people. And so a lot of times what we go through, I believe the Lord allows us to go through just what we need to go through so we can learn. And some of us learn quicker than others. There's an old saying that why a wise person learns from their mistakes, and a wiser person learns from other people's mistakes. And if you look if you read the Bible, what you really see is stories about people making bad decisions and occasionally a few people that make good ones. But it's a lot about make terrible decisions, you know. Decisions that wipe out civilization sometimes and cause lots of suffering and death, even. And then, of course, there was a price to pay, right? Christ died for our sins. And so we have a price that's been paid, and so you don't have to figure it out for yourself, that's for sure. We have counselors, we have even defend fit is a way of getting counsel just by sharing your life with other people and and increasing your your ability to defend yourself and really your understanding. I have customers that train private with me that are specifically here because they've been learning so much about themselves they didn't realize. And what I find a lot of times is people have been lied to. Instructors or parents, coaches have told them things that weren't true. Just because they were impatient and didn't want to take the time, they didn't realize that all you had to do is teach them a very specific way to overcome. I like I have a guy, for example, he said his timing's terrible. He can't dance and he can't keep a beat, he couldn't be a musician. And I'm training them on a metronome, on doing some techniques on a very specific count, and then I'm teaching him how to slip and fade, and I'm doing it on a r metronome, and his timing is unbelievable. It's not just, oh, yeah, I see you've got pretty good timing. No, it's actually his timing is really off the chart. And so he'd been lied to. And he believed that lie. And I think we do that, that's just one small analogy. I think we we have that in our um psyche, deep-rooted insecurities based on what people have told us.
Limiting Beliefs And Real Growth
SPEAKER_06And there's actually uh there's that's actually a whole school of thought, uh that's CBT in basically in a nutshell, where we have these fruits on this tree, and the fruit can be like addiction or depression, or and it's built by this trunk, the series of events that led to that. The roots of it would be what we call the limiting beliefs, and they're these ridiculous, not true narratives that we come to believe, like I'm not worthy, I'm not lovable, I must do it perfectly, or it's not worth doing at all. These are things that that keep us stuck in that stuckness.
SPEAKER_01And I would bondage. I would even argue they keep us in bondage.
SPEAKER_06And I would say too that the growth doesn't happen when we are when everything's cool and neutral and there are no there's no stressors, right? The growth happens when we have the stress, when we have those challenges. It's not so if you're procrastinating or you find that you know everything is going well and nothing needs to change, that's great. Enjoy your break, but there's no growth there in that moment, if that becomes makes a lot of sense.
Habits Over Goals And Closing
SPEAKER_01So it's about developing the mindset, developing these six habits so that you can have this extraordinary life. So let's wrap it up like this. You don't rise to the level of your goals, you fall to the level of your habits. And developing those six daily habits is so critical. And so think about you know, joining us here every Saturday at noon or on Spotify or Apple Podcasts at your leisure for Living Inside Out Radio, where we address some real practical things about our lives that can really transform us and not just us, but the people around us and our generations, which can have a huge impact on the world. So come see us at DefendFit at 17317-El Camino Real in Webster, Texas. You can call me 713-252-5836. And you can also find Amanda BradleyCounseling.com and she will book you an appointment. You can do it on Zoom, you can do it in person. So there's lots of opportunities for you to get help. Uh consumer at Townwood Church, Townwood Iglesias. It's uh 4401 Almita Genoa. Or plug into a great pastor. Uh listen to the enduring word. Go to the app store and download the enduring word. And Pastor David Guslik breaks down the word of God line by line, verse by verse, in commentary after every single sentence. Powerful, powerful. So listen, have a great day. God bless you, and we'll see you next week.
SPEAKER_05Tune in next week for another edition of the Living Inside Out Radio Show.
SPEAKER_03Living inside out is a spoken of movement. It's about training because on the inside out of the lift, you lift up and then you're going to be able to do it.