Drainers, Maintainers, Gainers

Your relationships are either fueling your life or quietly draining it, and most of us don’t notice the pattern until we’re exhausted. We sit down and map a simple, brutally useful framework for relationship intelligence: drainers, maintainers, and gainers. Once you can name what you’re dealing with, you can stop normalizing chaos and start protecting your peace with clarity.

Amanda Bradley brings a counseling lens to the hardest questions: why do people stay connected to toxic relationships, even when it’s clearly hurting them? We dig into fear of change, fear of being alone, and the way unhealthy dynamics can feel “normal” when they match your upbringing. We also talk practical red flags like lack of accountability, chronic blame shifting, and that persistent feeling in your body that something is off. If you’ve ever walked away from a conversation feeling tense, confused, or depleted, we show you how to treat that as data, not weakness.

Then we get tactical about boundaries and emotional safety. We unpack why guilt isn’t always guilt, why “I’m not available for this conversation” is a valid boundary, and how to tell the difference between helping and enabling. We also separate forgiveness from access, so you can release bitterness without reopening the same wound. Finally, we shift to maintainers and gainers: what stable relationships look like, how to build a stronger circle, and how real mentors sharpen you through correction, humility, and truth.

If this helps you, subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify, share it with a friend who needs stronger boundaries, and leave a review so more people can find the show. What’s one relationship shift you’re making after listening?

Transcript

SPEAKER_05 0:01

Welcome

Welcome And Why Relationships Matter

SPEAKER_05 0:02

to the Living Inside Out Radio Show with John Peake.

SPEAKER_03 0:14

Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. I'm your host, as usual, John Peake, and I have my wonderful guest with Amanda Bradley Counseling again. Welcome to the show, Amanda.

SPEAKER_06 0:24

Thanks, John.

SPEAKER_03 0:25

We were having so much fun the last two shows. I said, why not ask Amanda if she wants to come in and do one of my favorite subjects?

SPEAKER_06 0:31

I love it. I'm so grateful to be here. Thank you.

SPEAKER_03 0:34

Awesome. So I

Drainers Maintainers Gainers Framework

SPEAKER_03 0:35

wrote this uh for my daughters a long time ago, and I was reminded as I had a conversation with my daughter yesterday that I actually sent this to her, her and her sister in 2016. Uh and it's called Drainers, Maintainers, and Gainers. And I wrote it to her because of all the decisions that myself and I see even my parents and brothers and and friends uh would make decisions and build uh relationships with the good, the bad, and the ugly. Clint Eastwood should have taught us about these things with the good and the bad and the ugly because I think we would I would have listened better if it was Clint Eastwood teaching, one of my heroes. So um you know, there's this aspect of continuing to grow, to continuing to fight. And Toby Keith was at a dinner with Clint Eastwood, and he was sitting at the table with Clint Eastwood, and he asked Clint, goes, Man, Clint, how do you do it? How do you keep going? And you're still doing all these things jazz pianas, you're making movies, directing, you're not starring in, and and he said, Keith, you just don't let the old man in. And Keith ended up writing a song, Don't Let the Old Man In, it became a huge hit for him. Rest in peace, Keith. So Toby Keith was a pretty amazing, and that question he put to Clint is a question I think we know all didn't ask. So don't let the old man in. Don't let the oldness in to our to stop us from learning, to stop us from growing, and really to understand that we need to build uh our relationship intelligence because I think it filters through every single area of life. And so in my 7M's, you know, the foundation is ministry. Well, you better be good a good judge of character when you get involved with the ministry because they too can be corrupt. And there's a lot of church hurt out there, and it's such a shame because I feel like, well, of course you're gonna get hurt at church occasionally, and it's a f it's a hospital for spiritually sick people and the enemy of evilness wants to hurt the church first and the leadership so we can have that trickle-down effect. But the Drainers, Maintainers, and Gainers is really designed to help us see more clearly about where we are first looking in the mirror, and then how we can evaluate the people that are in our lives.

The Battle Of Influence Close To Home

SPEAKER_03 2:52

So the here's the first segment of this in the battle of influence. So most people think their biggest battles are external. But the truth is, some of your greatest battles will come from the people closest to you. At DefendFit, martial art fitness and firearms, what I'm calling Defend Fit Tactical Fitness, I've had countless one-on-one conversations with people going through real struggles. And more often than not, it comes down to relationships. So I always tell them this in life, many things are out of your control, especially how other people act, but we can control how we respond. So forgive often, guard your spirit, protect your inner circle. Proverbs 423 says, guard your heart above all else. So, Amanda, I'd like the perspective you bring because you bring the science perspective and not just intuition, even though you have a healthy helping of that as well, but from a counseling perspective, why do people stay connected to unhealthy or draining relationships longer than they should?

Why People Stay In Toxic Bonds

SPEAKER_06 3:56

Okay, so I'm gonna give you a little bit of a uh a cheesy answer at first, but it's a Dave Ramsey answer, so just stay with me. But Dave says that if you've taken um his money matters class, you know, he says that babies like sitting in their poopy diapers. And do you know why?

SPEAKER_03 4:19

No idea.

SPEAKER_06 4:20

Because it's warm, right? It's theirs, and it sucks when you have change, right? So not only do they have to get out of the warm, but then you're gonna put a cold wipe on their butt. So that kind of sucks. So change kind of sucks sometimes, and one of the things that people really struggle with is change. It's really hard to change. And so even though it seems weird and it looks weird from the outside, how could you stay with somebody who's that chaotic or that stressful or that toxic? That is probably how they grew up. That's probably what they're used to. That is their norm, right? That's what I would say. That would be my guess. Oftentimes people can confuse love with obligation, or they would maybe even fear being alone more than they fear being hurt over and over and over again. And they don't have boundaries or words for this isn't okay with me. That might not even be crossing their mind in the moment. The only the only thing they're worried about in the moment is not being alone. So I would say they stay not because it's good for them or healthy for them, but because leaving feels more terrifying than suffering.

SPEAKER_03 5:46

Wow. That is powerful because what we allow, we normalize. And the reality is who you allow into your life affects everything. So had this person, whoever we're talking about, this fixedinal person that's walking around every corner, everybody's got some form of this stuff where we allow things to happen. Had they been mentored, had we all been mentored more powerfully, especially around relationship intelligence, and solidified our identity, I would dare to say, is the root of it. Who are we? What do we stand for? What do we believe? Why do we believe what we believe? And be able to articulate that, and um I think we'd choose much better, much better. So through the Living Inside Out lens, the seven M's, every relationship touches every area of your life. Ministry, marriage, mentoring, media, martial arts, muscle, and money. Now you don't have to memorize that, but go back and listen to that again. Listen to the show twice, three times. It says, listen, we don't compartmentalize influence, it spreads. Let me say it again. You don't compartmentalize influence, it spreads. So be careful who you're around. There's an old saying about birds of a feather flock together. That's the way my dad would put it. All these old old country terms that have a ton of wisdom in it. And so, Amanda, let's ask this question. What are

Early Red Flags And Gut Instinct

SPEAKER_03 7:05

some early warning signs that someone who is emotionally or relationally unhealthy but often people ignore?

SPEAKER_06 7:12

I would say something to the degree of them not taking responsibility. Everything is always someone else's fault.

SPEAKER_03 7:20

That's really irritating. I think about a worker on the job, right? And when you're working with people that won't take responsibility, it's always somebody else's fault. In the blue-collar world, that won't fly. People are real quick to well, for one, when they don't, in my experience, my generation would take responsibility and always have pride in their work. And if somebody else is not taking responsibility for their crappy work, we're gonna make sure they do.

SPEAKER_06 7:45

Or they don't last. They won't last, they wouldn't have.

SPEAKER_03 7:48

They wouldn't have and the long the longer I went in my career, the harder it was for our middle managers to get rid of these people.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Right.

SPEAKER_03 7:55

The last time we had a guy on the job for 10 years where they finally let him go. And I had told my boss, listen, I'm working on my exit strategy because I can't work like this. Not my problem, is what my boss said. I'm out of here in two years, retiring. Thanks a lot, ma'am. Appreciate it. Anyway, sometimes we are stuck, so what do you have to do? You have to build boundaries, right? So again, what are some early warning signs that we ignore? And so you said the first one is we ignore that people don't take accountability or responsibility for their action. What's some other ones?

SPEAKER_06 8:26

Um, I would say they make you feel small, confused, or like you're too much just for having regular natural needs. Um, maybe that your body knows before your brain does. So, like if your intuition is coming up or you've got that gut feeling, maybe tap into that, pay attention to that. If you've got a knowing, an intuitive knowing, and you're like, hey, hmm, something's a little off here, I would lean into that and pay attention to that.

SPEAKER_03 8:55

You ever uh counsel people to write a list of like pros and cons? Say you come away from a conversation and you know you're gonna have to keep dealing with this person. Do you have techniques like that? I'm gonna write a pro and con. What happened in that conversation? Because I'm coming away with this uh gray feeling, and I like to bookend things, make it black or white. If you can make things black and white, the gray area is better to easier to solve, right? So, what are the best things about that conversation I had? What are the worst things? And then if you have a trend line, right, you have a way to look at that. You may not even be aware that you're developing it, but if you're not intentionally developing it, it's less than. But if you intentionally develop ways to understand why you're feeling certain ways when you're dealing with certain people, don't you think that might help?

SPEAKER_06 9:40

I hear what you're saying, and yes, sort of, is what I would say. Yes, you're in a data gathering sort of per. Like this is what I would do on a science-y end of it. You're making a list, and I'm like, yes, tap into what your brain is telling you. Yes, tap into what your gut is telling you. Let's see if these things line up, because I use every bit of this as information, right? That's what I would do. I would line all of this up and see if what my left hand is, what my right hand is also telling me. Do these things match? Rarely, if we're working with truth, does it not line up? Because the same is going to be true. I'm also gonna pray over it. I'm also going to seek higher wisdom than my own, for sure. I'm also gonna go to God. I'm always gonna seek. That's going to be what I'm going. I'm always gonna pray about it. So um I'm gonna check in with my body. If you feel anxious, tense, or drained around these people, but you talk yourself out of it, I would encourage you to go back to what you know to be the truth. Whether that source source of truth is something you found in your body or in your mind, I would see what synks up. I would pray about it. I I genuinely would pray about it.

SPEAKER_03 10:59

That's good. I think that's a suit a secret weapon, a superpower for sure. Praying and getting wisdom to serve from above, something higher than ourselves. That's why we train spiritually. A lot of times there's signs there early about these people that uh are detrimental to us, a drainer, classic, especially a classic drainer. But sometimes we just don't want to see them for various reasons, you know. Um at Defend Fit, we have a saying you don't rise to the occasion, you fall to the level you're training. And that's with any tactical organization. And you could say from everything from musician and artist to the strongest military in the world. And the same is true relationally. You don't accidentally build a strong life, you build it by choosing the right people. I uh trained a leadership, uh, pretty high leader and executive for Dow, and he said that he's not the smartest guy in the room, but his gift is reading people and putting people in the right places. He said, I for example, I had a guy that everybody was complaining about, and I had to do something about it, and most people wanted me to fire him. I found a place because of my ability to read people, and I put him in another department, and he excelled and took off. Oh, interesting. Isn't that interesting? You know, his gift was putting people in the right places for them to excel, and he was just in the wrong place. So be careful when you deem somebody a drainer, they just might not be in their suited for the position that they're in. And this is pretty common in business because in the business world and the work environment, because a lot of times people are put in leadership management positions because they have the education, not because they're good leaders.

SPEAKER_06 12:32

So to that, I would also say that as you know, when you're praying about people who you're not sure if they should be in your life or not, be careful about what you're praying for, right?

SPEAKER_03 12:42

Big responsibility.

SPEAKER_06 12:43

I had this conversation today about someone who was praying about removal of people in their life. And when God started to remove people, boy, didn't he? It was everybody, it wasn't just some of them, it was everybody, all of the ones. And so it was kind of a surprise. But when he did, things started to change.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Change is coming, whether you like it or not. Where's the change coming from? Our good decisions or our bad decisions?

SPEAKER_06 13:11

But it needed to happen. So anyway, I'll just to say that you know, um, it was about who needed to be there and who did not.

Boundaries Without Guilt Or Fear

SPEAKER_03 13:19

So, how can someone begin to set uh healthy boundaries without feeling guilt or fear of losing the relationship?

SPEAKER_06 13:25

Okay, so we touched on this a little bit about uh on one of the other podcasts when we're talking about adult children and boundaries. And the truth is you can set boundaries, and I'm going to talk about that here in just a second, but there's always a little bit of risk when we talk about boundaries and this little sad emotion of guilt. And I want to be clear that guilt implies guilt implies that you have done something wrong. That if you are in you are in fact setting healthy boundaries, that you're probably experiencing a little bit of unease, not not guilt. So there's a little bit of a difference, it's probably just something new. So I I just wanted to be clear about that. I don't think you've done something wrong if you're setting a healthy boundary. We often use the word guilt. We don't want to feel guilty about setting boundaries. Why? Boundaries are such a good thing and it keeps relationships healthy. So I just want to be clear about that.

SPEAKER_03 14:24

Perfect. Listen, we're gonna talk more about the three categories. So coming up next, we're gonna break down the three types of people in your life drainers, maintainers, and gainers. So don't go away.

Sponsor Break

SPEAKER_03 14:35

We'll be right back with Living Inside Out Radio and with Amanda Bradley Counseling.

SPEAKER_05 14:39

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SPEAKER_04 15:40

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SPEAKER_03 18:10

Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. I'm your host, John Peake, and I've got Amanda Bradley from Amanda Bradley Counseling.com. So if you have some need for counseling, AmandaBradley.com is where Brandabradley Counseling.com is where you're going to go for that. And you can also look find me at DefendFit and you can find our listening in Living Inside Out uh radio show on 9 20 a.m. Patriot Talk Radio and Spotify and Apple if you look up Living Inside Out with John Peake. That's two E's. All right. So we have our second segment now. We're

Drainers Defined And Emotional Detachment

SPEAKER_03 18:44

talking about drainers and maintainers, and we're going to start we're going to continue a little bit more about the category of drainers simply because it's so prevalent and so damaging. So drainers, what are they? These are people who consistently take but rarely give. They drain your energy, your focus, your peace, and many times they don't even realize it. They wouldn't call themselves a drainer. And here's the dangerous part. They op often operate undercover. They look supportive, they sound right, but over time the fruit tells the truth. So, Amanda, how can someone emotionally detach from a drainer, especially when it's a long-term relationship or even family?

SPEAKER_06 19:26

Well, I would say it's not so easy to really detach. I would say there's an internal conversation that has to happen first. So it would look something like, wow, this person is really sucking the life from me. Not really. And when I I don't mean physically safe, just I can't relax. Once you've realized how unsafe and toxic it is, set boundaries. Not because you're super strong and you can set boundaries, but because you're not meant to be this person's emotional regulator. A lot of times family members and partners find themselves in roles they weren't meant to be in. It's not okay. It's totally okay. I'm sorry, it's totally okay to say, I'm not available for this conversation. So depending on your role in the relationship, maybe even suggesting another level of help, like a role model, a mentor, a pastor, a therapist, maybe one of their friends that they could talk to, but you are not available.

SPEAKER_03 20:44

I think that's key because we're not called to love we're called to love people, but we're not called to let people destroy our peace. I think a lot of times these people kind of sneak in under the radar with a drainer, especially the undercoverage radar. They kind of sneak into our lives and we didn't realize until you've emotionally invested, and now you're like kind of like feeling a little difficult. How do I escape that? What do you think about that?

SPEAKER_06 21:10

I completely agree. Sometimes it's it's a little too late when you realize afterward, you just feel depleted. I refer to them as emotional vampires. When they come in, they take, they leave the carnage, and you are just smoked. You are exhausted, and you're like, what just happened? And what do I do next? How do I set boundaries? And sometimes they are absolutely completely not responsive to your suggestions of hey, maybe now's not a good time. And then you have to get real with yourself about okay, I'm gonna set some very real boundaries. I am unavailable to you. You need to go over there, you need to go find some different help. I cannot be that for you.

SPEAKER_03 21:58

Yeah, I think it takes. A little practice to get that uh the courage for some people to say it. I mean, you know, on the black and white, one person might be able to say it easy, and you know, they're not really struggling whether it comes off harsh or gentle, they can say it. While there's people on the other side that can hardly say that at all. They're just really struggling with all the stuff in their own head. But here's a scripture, and this is why Amanda talked about praying, because it's so critical for us to understand the spiritual side. So 1 Corinthians 15 33 says, bad company corrupts good character. That's not theory, man, that's reality. And so in my 7Ms, drainers create damage in every single category. Every M ministry, marriage. So in ministry, it can cause a lot of confusion. In marriage, a lot of tension, mentoring, distraction, media, a lot of negativity, martial arts, ego, you know, muscle inconsistency, money, chaos. There's these things that we're attaching to the seven M's that are detrimental to your growth. And in any detrimental growth in any one of the seven M's is affects the other seven M's.

SPEAKER_06 23:07

Was it you who said show me in in your class here? Was it you who said show me your friends, I'll show you your future?

SPEAKER_03 23:13

Yeah, something like that. Yeah. Show me your closest two friends and I'll show you the traits that they have, you will soon have if you don't have them now. Very similar. Birds of a feather flock together. We talked about that, you know. Like people, there's even a thing in the spiritual side, the familiar spirits, you know? Yes. Like if you have a room full of people that don't know each other, the people that are and are being abused will join forces. They'll just attract each other. Alcoholics and drugs, they find each other in a room. People that are gonna sleep around and and have uh you know superficial physical relationships, they find each other maybe. They know. They do. And I think there's a spiritual route for that. And it's you know, I wouldn't have thought it so strongly when I was younger, but I've seen it so many times, and then I'm in a church that teaches more about what that's truly going on in the spirit world, right? And the word of God backs that up. So you can't take away the spiritual understanding without also suffering in the physical and mental emotional. So educate yourself spiritually as your baseline for moving forward in a positive way in the other categories.

Helping Versus Enabling And Forgiveness

SPEAKER_03 24:24

So, Emma, what's the difference between helping someone who is struggling and uh actually enabling unhealthy behavior?

SPEAKER_06 24:30

So I would get curious here about the cost, just cost in general, right? There's always going to be a cost. Helping cost you something, it could be time, effort, energy, whatever. Enabling protects the it enabling protects the other person from consequences. It keeps them stuck. Does that make sense? Helping allows consequences to teach. Enabling removes the consequences to protect them. And it only protects them in the moment. But there's still a long-term consequence to them. There's a cost. So I would get curious, what's the cost going? Pick your heart, man. What's the cost going to be? So that's what I would get curious about. But the difference is helping cost you something and enabling ultimately cost them something.

SPEAKER_03 25:24

Wow. That's um that line right there can determine whether you're gonna grow or get stuck. And those around you whether they're gonna grow or get stuck. Because it's a two-way street, right? Every time you enable, it's gonna just postpone and get you deeper dug in. And uh you're right, enabling somebody does doesn't help them to grow either.

SPEAKER_06 25:43

Not long term.

SPEAKER_03 25:44

And it's gonna certainly stunt your growth. So here's the next level question how do you forgive someone without continuing to expose yourself to the same damage?

SPEAKER_06 25:53

So a lot of folks I think get it a a little bit twisted that forgiveness is for other people. And it's not forgiveness is for you. Forgiveness is an act that sets you free, but it can be a little bit confusing for both parties because forgiveness doesn't mean access to you. It also does not mean reconciliation. Forgiveness is um it also doesn't mean that I'm bitter or angry. You could be. I hope not. But through the process of actually forgiving somebody, hopefully those things are processed.

SPEAKER_03 26:30

Yeah, you know, my pastor talks to me about um not taking things personal when somebody is doing things that are like they're being a drainer. This is just who they are. It doesn't necessarily mean that's who you are. You don't have to receive it, but you also have to feel guilty about you know protecting yourself, right? That's kind of what defend fit means. Spiritual, mental, emotional, physical. Defend defensively fit and continuing to be fit spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically. So, you know, this idea of true forgiveness oftentimes takes a little help and counsel from a spiritually wise person in to reading the word so that you can understand what that means and gain the wisdom discernment to know the difference because your protection is important for you, your generations, your coworkers, and you know, your family first, of course, but your coworkers as well, and everybody you come in contact with. So let's transition.

Maintainers And What Health Looks Like

SPEAKER_03 27:22

Uh but let's shift because not everyone is a drainer. Okay. The second category is maintainers. They are steady people, they're not perfect, but there's a consistency about them. They're willing to, and you know, we understand they will make mistakes, but they own them. They pursue growth, they seek peace, you know, they're healthy emotionally, they're willing to take accountability for who they are and what they've done. And it's they're not opposed to saying, hey man, I'm sorry about that. And just to express themselves in a in a real way to be authentic. So, Amanda, what are the key traits of emotionally and spiritually healthy relationships over time?

SPEAKER_06 27:58

Well, I think you kind of nailed it just in the introduction. I think it's important to be clear it that health doesn't mean we never struggle. It means when we struggle, we don't abandon truth. We don't abandon each other, we don't abandon ourselves or our values. Key traits of health, I would say, are are truth, grace, and boundaries, and that we agree on that. Especially if you're in a relationship, whether it's a friendship, a family relationship, a marriage. I especially with truth being number one, healthy people tell the truth and they can receive the truth. That is how that I would say that's how you you begin a relationship.

SPEAKER_03 28:45

Yeah, you know, I don't think we realize how affected we are by our coworkers. You have these strong relationships with coworkers because you work with them so many hours a day. More, in fact, than oftentimes you're with your family every day. Eight, ten hours a day, sometimes more for some people, 12, 15, 16 hours. I know some people that are putting in some hours and they're working with these people. And oftentimes I won't hear about the good people they're working with, I'll hear about the bad. Yeah, this is that drainer. But I know there's a lot of peers. So it's here's a scripture that backs this up. So it says in Amos 3, 3, can two walk together unless they agree? So united, we stand, divided, we fall kind of thing. You know, in my 7Ms, maintainers bring stability. In other words, now this might not happen necessarily in the workforce outwardly, but as you get to know people, these kind of things can happen, even on the job. They pray with you, they train with you, they grow with you, they build with you. And there's various ways that can happen. It's not always, you know, what you might think training you in the gym or on the martial art mat. But certainly, you know, there's a lot of things that happen in the in the job, on the job that we're training constantly, even if we're just not it's not formal training, it's you know, growth along the way. So I think that's real important to understand that these this maintainer and the stability they bring allow you to grow in a multidimensional way. Praying, training, growing, and building to be better. People we're building better, they're building better. So it's a two-way street. So Amanda,

Building A Stronger Circle

SPEAKER_03 30:15

for someone listening right now who feels like they don't have a strong, don't have strong people around them, how do they begin building that kind of circle?

SPEAKER_06 30:22

That's so interesting. Um I think you build it one conversation at a time. And here's the thing, I would get kind of specific about what I was looking what I was looking for personally, because if you're if you have the opportunity to build your tribe, what you envision, what you're looking for, I would get kind of curious about what I I wouldn't want something charming or flashy. I want substance. I'm looking for my my pot of people. And this is what I would pay attention to. Do they gossip? Are they trustworthy? Do they show up when they say they're gonna show up? Do they seem responsible? These are the things I'm looking for. And then I'm gonna have a quiet conversation. I'm gonna say, Hey, would you like to go for a cup of coffee? You have to put yourself out there a little bit and be willing to take a chance on people, and sometimes they're gonna say no, and that's okay. But look, just start small, look for similar interests, get real with yourself about what you're willing to do and step out of your comfort zone.

SPEAKER_03 31:25

Yeah, that's good advice. I would say also, along with that, look in the mirror. What kind of person are you? That's right. Are you that kind of person? Are you doing what you say? Are you opening yourself up and being real, taking responsibility for your actions, listening, also just willing to listen. You know, many people when you're talking, you can tell. They're just waiting till they can talk. They're not really listening to what you can say. And now I've caught myself doing that. In the industry, they have uh coaching sessions for communication and they call it generous listening, right? So I think we can all get better at that for sure. But you can tell when somebody's interested in what you have to say or just waiting for you to finish so they can finally put in their their their two cents. But yeah, I think that's real important for us to understand that we are looking for specific traits and we must possess those specific traits as well. It's a two-way three. You want to be able to attract, and you're gonna attract what you have. And anywhere you go, you're gonna be drawn to very similar people. And so if you don't have any skills, assets, I'm not saying necessarily talents, but things you're interested in, you know, you need to read, you need experience, join you know, a hobby, join a group, learn some skills. A lot of times the learning environment is the best place to reach people to to uh get to know people. And you can tell, I always say this the bad people don't stick around to FinFit very long. Right? I don't know what it is, they don't have the consistency and and drive and the willingness to be coach, all the assets, character traits, and personalities that make us good people. There's a lot of great people, and occasionally somebody will sneak in undercover, a narcissist or a drainer, but they don't stay long. You know, I think it's the Holy Spirit that drives it, but it's also the culture, and that's the kind of culture you want in your every area of your life. All right, so the next segment we're gonna talk about the rarest category, the people who completely change your life, and that's a true gainer or a mentor. This is Living Inside Out Radio with my host, John Beacon, and Amanda Bradley is with me. We'll be right back.

SPEAKER_05 33:29

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SPEAKER_04 34:27

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Gainers And Finding True Mentors

SPEAKER_03 38:02

Welcome back to Living Inside Out Radio. I'm your host, John Peake, and I've got a special guest again today, Amanda Bradley with Amanda Bradley Counseling.com. So our next segment is one of my favorite segments. We're talking about the rarest of categories, the people who can completely change your life. And this segment is called Gainers in the Mirror. The third category is gainers, and these are your mentors. These are the people who just don't support you. They stretch you. They challenge you, they correct you, they elevate your thinking. Super special, and you need to be open to these people, or you will not end up being the person you want to be, even if you don't know how to express it like that who you want to be. So, Amanda, how can someone identify a true mentor versus someone who just appears successful on the surface?

SPEAKER_06 38:54

Well, I think you and I both know successful people. And they're not always the most moral people, right? We know successful people. Merriam Webster defines a mentor as a person who gives help and advice to a less experienced and often younger person, especially in a professional or academic context. Having said that, I've had a total of three professional mentors. They are few and far between. And I think that that's because success does not mean I want some someone else's sketch advice or shady ways. I like I value not only what they have to teach me, but who they are. They're setting life examples. I I I told you on the break that the people that I value in their life isn't it's not just their professional information they have to share with me, but it's who they are, how they've lived their life spiritually, their family ways. I respect their ethics, their faith, their values, their whole life.

SPEAKER_03 40:02

Yeah, it's interesting because um you know it's not all influence is equal. And uh we talked about this as we took a break and we're coming back, that we both have uh this need to for our mentors to be strong spiritual people, strong believers in Jesus, that they have a strong faith. That's such an ingrained part of uh how the quality of the mentorship is brought out and how they communicate and what they say and don't say because of their faith. So you're able to receive it much better when you when you have this need from a spiritual standpoint and you're getting mentoring and it's from a secular standpoint that it's not as good. Um and it's certainly in a professional environment, that's just the way it is. But when it's gets personal, oftentimes you see there's a crack in their there's cracks or there's um corruption. That's what I mean by cracks in the mentoring. The deeper it gets into personal relationships, the stronger the mentor is when they have a spiritual base.

SPEAKER_06 41:06

Agreed.

SPEAKER_03 41:07

Because the Holy Spirit is going to bring all kinds of wisdom to discernment that's just impossible to have without being a believer. And it's and I'm saying that both because that's what the word of God says, but also experientially. Scripture says in Proverbs 27, 17 desiring is one person sharpened at another. And sharpening isn't always comfortable. So in my 7Ms, the gainers accelerate everything, especially if they have a spiritual base. Otherwise, they're not going to strengthen your vision in your mar in your ministry. But they can help you mature in your marriage, they can help you multiply in your mentoring, they bring a great more discipline and excellence to your martial arts and muscle, and they can help you to build a legacy around your money. And so it's super important, man, to have this understanding of what is a true gainer and mentor. So, Amanda, what mindset does someone need to actually receive, or let me say it again. What

Correction Humility And Dropping Ego

SPEAKER_03 42:05

mindset does someone need to actually receive correction and grow instead of resisting it?

SPEAKER_06 42:11

Man, I would say you gotta let go of that ego first. And that's really hard. You have to decide that getting better at something is more important than being right. That's a hard thing. Second, humility. So you gotta be teachable. And then third, understand that correction is not rejection. So if you have that inner critic and you're getting correction on the outside, don't look at it as a rejection. It's an investment. Somebody is taking their time and investing it in you. It's not personal. Or maybe it is personal. It's personal. They care about you, they care about you getting better.

SPEAKER_03 42:54

I've heard somebody verbalize it like this they're taking a stand for your betterment. Right? Yeah. On the uh humility and ego, I was giving somebody some coaching, and it's a training environment. I'm helping them to uh learn how to do a specific job. And when I talk to them, their response was I know. Right? And so they're young, you know, so you know, I gave them a lot of grace, and I they didn't mean it this way, but it comes across as disrespectful and arrogant, right? And so I explained when you say I know, what I'm really hearing is you're not interested in what I have to say and you're dismissing me, like you already have enough knowledge. And I said, you know, because you're working for me in a work environment, it's especially necessary to not say I know, even if you do know, especially when it's a younger person to an older person, the better response was would be, Okay. Or oh that's good. Even if you already know it. Say, Oh, okay. Just you're in agreement, you know, in other words. I'm receiving it openly, not I know, because that is not receiving it openly at all, right? In fact, it's it sounds like you're slamming the door in somebody's proverbial face, right? The proverbial door in somebody's face. So they were like uh very aware of what that meant and apologetic. And uh then it happened another week went by, and the response on his coaching was I know. And then right away they caught themselves. It's like, yeah, that's what I said. So I explained, ah, that's a muscle memory. You're saying I know is a muscle memory, and you might be doing that to your friends or your teachers. I hope for your sake you're not doing it to your mom or dad because I know them and I've trained them as well. And that's all I'll say about that. But yeah, so ego, that's a number one pride. Yes, it's a big stoppage, you know, for why you might not have a mentor. Uh I think it's a very important to put yourself in a situation to have a mentor and respect that mentorship, whether it's your pastor, your teacher at school, even courses you have to take, they're required, not necessarily something you elected to do. But especially if you've elected to ask somebody for their time, or sharing their time, treasure, and talent with you as much time as money. So, yeah, that's good, man. So that that right there separates people who grow from people who stay stuck. Right there.

SPEAKER_06 45:23

And it's such a special relationship too, when it's a true mentor and you are teachable and you want to grow, man, the sky is the limit at what you can excel at. When you truly become teachable, you can learn so much and you can grow in so many ways.

SPEAKER_03 45:43

I think a lot of times when we consider getting a mentor, at least when somebody that I talk to who doesn't have a mentor and they tell me their reasoning behind it, I think um they're evaluating this mentor so heavily without first evaluating themselves. Right. I think it's important before you evaluate others, you need to evaluate yourself. You need to look in the mirror. What is it I I'm how am I being and how does it affect people around me? Where am I short and where could I grow? Right? And how could I grow? What what would it take for me to open my perspective a little bit? Ask yourself honestly, you know, am I draining people? Am I just maintaining, or am I becoming someone who builds others? That's a powerful series of questions, isn't it? Because that is like a summary of am I a drainer, maintainer, a gainer? And if you look in the mirror at first, then you have a chance to better see those people that are around you to evaluate them properly.

SPEAKER_06 46:38

That's fair.

Self Awareness Without Shame

SPEAKER_03 46:39

So what does healthy self-awareness actually look like, Amanda, without falling into, you know, shame or self-condemnation?

SPEAKER_06 46:46

Self-awareness means that you can clearly and objectively see yourself with introspection and reflection. And there's three basic questions that you can use. What am I feeling? Well, why is it happening? And how will I choose to respond? And that self, self-awareness is what we in psychology would refer to as your foundational emotional intelligence. Where do you fall on this spectrum of emotional intelligence? Otherwise, you kind of default to impulsive habits. Either you are aware or you are impulsive, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_03 47:23

Like, it does because growth requires honesty but not condemnation.

SPEAKER_06 47:27

Correct. And shame is taking information and internalizing it into I am bad. So if you've done something that is not optimal, I've done something bad or it's not in alignment with social values, I've stolen something. Let's just pretend you've stolen something. And you've you're now labeled a criminal. And you take that label and you've internalized it and you've said, Oh, I'm bad. Well, you're not bad. You may have done criminal activity, but you're not bad. And you're not inherently bad. You've done something not optimal.

SPEAKER_03 48:12

The behavior was bad.

SPEAKER_06 48:13

Yes, not the greatest. Um so it takes it and turns it into a bad label. So it takes this concept of what you've done into who. And so it gets it twisted.

SPEAKER_03 48:30

It does, it makes a lot of sense. I think a lot of times we define ourselves by what we do. Of course. In other words, you can meet somebody, you know, new and and then eventually the conversation often comes around like what we do for a living. Because this is our identity, what we do for a living. And we are so much more than just what we do for a living. Yes. But uh it is something of way you can kind of evaluate somebody's education and influence, and yeah, a lot about tells about a person about what they do for sure. So James 317 says the wisdom from above is first pure, then peaceable, gentle, and willing to be yield. Right? So that's the first fundamental thing. If you're gonna have a mentor, is you have to be willing to yield.

SPEAKER_06 49:10

So it's interesting that we don't naturally default into I am chosen, I am loved, I'm a child of God, I am I have all these fruits of the spirit. Uh that's not typically what we default to.

SPEAKER_03 49:23

That's true.

SPEAKER_06 49:24

I'm just it was just a random thought.

SPEAKER_03 49:26

No, I mean I think of that oftentimes when um I'm evaluating how I responded to somebody, and I think of the fruits of the spirit. Galatians 20, it's Galatians 5, 22 to and 23. It says the fruit of the Spirit and has nine attributes that we automatically were given by the Holy Spirit. And we have to develop and hold on to them, but it's love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. And I think the one most of us struggle with is simple self-control. That pesky free will. Sometimes I wish we didn't have a free will. But it's important for us to have free will because the Lord says, How do I know, how do you know, or let me say it, how does God know we love him? And the the simple answer is because we obey him. Now now we give up our free will. Right? And so if we're giving up our free will, that's part of our self-control. Without giving up our free will and thinking our self-control is about controlling everything we do, then we miss the boat. We miss the ability to love and feel joy and pe have peace and patience. We're too attached to the control. So I got one more question. It's

Daily Habits To Become A Gainer

SPEAKER_03 50:35

what are some practical daily habits someone can start today to become a gainer in their relationships and in life?

SPEAKER_06 50:43

Yeah. So I would again start with truth. I don't mean like in a harsh way. Here's what I need from this relationship kind of a way, or even just with yourself. Be honest, check in with yourself. This is what I need, this is where I'm at. And I would look with clarity. There's always clarity in truth. It's when we really start picking apart that truth where we're like, it's starting to get muddled now. Anyway, I'll I'll just leave it at truth. I would repair things quickly with yourself, with others, in relationships, repair things quickly. Have real conversations, no quick text, no surface level exchanges, real conversations. And then lastly, I would set real boundaries. Don't let the resentments creep up on you. Don't let it get to that point. When I hear resentments, I hear boundaries are crossed. That's what I hear. It got too far.

SPEAKER_03 51:49

Good, good stuff. I have this for you. The final close.

Closing Charge And Calls To Action

SPEAKER_03 51:53

Your life will be shaped by three things who you listen to, who you walk with, and who you allow to influence you. So choose wisely. Here's a Defend Fit close. Lead from the inside out. Train with purpose, build a family of warriors. And I have a call to action for our audience. If you're ready to grow stronger in every area of your life, surround yourself with the right people and take action. Come train with us at DefendFit 17317 El Cumina Real in Webster, Texas, 713-252-5836. And call Amanda Bradley. Look up the website at Amanda BradleyCounseling.com and take the first steps to transition into growth. That's all we have for you today at Living Inside Out Radio. Thanks for being with us. Get on Spotify or Apple Podcasts. Send this link out to your friends and family and help us grow the mentoring movement. Thank you and God bless.

SPEAKER_05 52:52

Tune in next week for another edition of the Living Inside Out Radio Show.

SPEAKER_02 53:07

It's a bit of a movement. It's about training.