Episode 10: More Than One Way to Become a Mom: A Conversation with Claire DeLay

Episode 10 of Beautiful Chaos with Natasha is one that will stay with you.

This week, I sit down with Claire DeLay Oklahoma mom, wife, business owner, and a woman who has said yes to motherhood in more ways than one. 

Through foster care, adoption, and biological motherhood, Claire shares what it really looks like to open your home, your heart, and your life to children who need it most. This conversation is raw, honest, and deeply moving. We talk about the calling behind foster care, the emotional highs and lows, the unknowns, and the beauty that can come from stepping into something bigger than yourself. Claire brings a perspective that so many people don’t get to see  the reality behind the process, the love, the heartbreak, and the purpose.

Whether you’ve ever considered fostering or adopting, know someone who has, or just want to better understand this world, this episode is for you.

In this episode, we talk about:

• What led Claire to say yes to foster care
• The reality (not the highlight reel) of fostering and adoption
• Navigating motherhood in all its forms
• The emotional impact on families and marriages
• Balancing business, marriage, and a full home
• Why these children deserve more voices and more awareness

This episode is powerful, perspective-shifting, and a reminder that sometimes the most beautiful things in life come from the hardest “yes.”

 Listen now on YouTube + wherever you get your podcasts

If this episode moved you, please share it you never know who might need to hear this story. 

 Resources + Connect

Interested in Foster Care in Oklahoma? Start Here:

Oklahoma DHS (Official State Resource)
https://oklahoma.gov/okdhs/services/foster/fostercarehome.html

 Oklahoma Fosters (Guided Support + Help Line)
https://okfosters.org/ Step-by-Step Guide to Becoming a Foster Parent
https://okfosters.org/oklahoma-human-services/

AdoptUSKids – Oklahoma Information
https://adoptuskids.org/adoption-and-foster-care/how-to-adopt-and-foster/state-information/oklahoma

TFI Oklahoma (Private Agency Support Option)
https://oklahoma.tfifamily.org/programs/become-an-oklahoma-foster-parent/

Follow Claire DeLay + Hear More of Her Story:

 Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/okiemommyy?igsh=MTV3c3JuZDh3cDhibg==

TikTok: https://www.tiktok.com/@okiemommy?_r=1&_t=ZP-95Z4rvN7Xsk

From This Episode:

If you feel called or even just curious about foster care, we encourage you to take a step and learn more through the links above. There is such a need and it starts with awareness.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

This episode is sponsored by LBL Land and Cattle LLC, your source for the healthiest belted Galloway beef cattle for your table. And remember, always eat beef. This episode is sponsored by Polo Grill. When you're craving a dining experience that feels timeless, refined, and truly unforgettable, there is only one place to go. At Polo Grill in Tulsa, every detail matters. From hand cut steaks and fresh seafood to an award-winning wine list and impeccable service, this is where special moments are made. Whether it's a date night, a celebration, or an evening just because Polo Grill delivers classic elegance with modern flavor. Polo Grill Exceptional Dining. This episode is sponsored by Grazy Girl Creative Luxury Catering and Boutique House, bringing luxury charcuterie, beautiful events, and unforgettable experiences. Friends, if you're looking for an amazing charcuterie and a beautiful place to celebrate, you have to check out Grazy Girl. Their boards are next level, perfect for birthdays, showers, bachelorette parties, girls' night, and special occasions. Their boutique house is stunning and every detail is designed to make your event feel special. They even offer gorgeous Airbnb for stay vacations and girls' weekends. So whether you're planning something big or just want to treat your people, Grazy Girl is the place. Go follow them, book them, and see it for yourself. Trust me, you'll love it. This episode is brought to you by Magnolia Soaps and Bath Co. If you've never been to Magnolia Soaps, it's more than just a store, it's an experience. Everything is clean and made without harsh chemicals so you can feel good about what you're using. They have soaps, bath bombs, body scrubs, laundry wash, candles, really everything you need for your body and your home. A lot of their products are even made right in the store, which makes it feel really personal. They also host girls' nights, birthday parties, and events where you can make your own product, which is such a fun experience. You can visit them on Cherry Street, Willin' Hills Mall, our downtown Broken Arrow, or shop online. Once you go, you'll see why everyone loves it. This episode is brought to you by Party Perfect Events. If you're planning a wedding, Party Perfect is your go-to for making your big day seamless and beautiful. From tents, tables, and chairs to linens, place settings, and a full event setup, they have everything you need to bring your vision to life. Whether you're dreaming of an outdoor ceremony or a fully styled reception, they handle all the details so you can actually relax and enjoy your day. Because your wedding should feel special, stress-free, and completely you. If you're getting ready to say I do, party perfect events has you covered. Welcome to the Beautiful Chaos with Natasha, the space where real life gets a voice. Here we talk about the messy, the meaningful, and the moments that shape us. I am your host, Natasha, a mom, a wife, a creator, a woman doing her best in the middle of the madness. This podcast was born out of the moments I thought would break me. When life felt too heavy, too chaotic, and too lonely. But somewhere in the middle of the struggle, I realized I wasn't the only one. So many women are walking through their own storms, caring stories they've never had a safe place to share. This season, I am sitting down with women who have walked through fire, rebuilt from the ashes, and found healing in places they never expected. Women who are brave enough to tell the truth, the whole truth about motherhood and everything that comes with it. Marriage, mental health, lost identity, and the beautiful mess of real life. Nothing is off limits. Nothing is filtered. This is where we are honest and where we remember we are not alone. So let's dive in and find the beauty in the chaos together. Welcome back to the Beautiful Chaos with Natasha, the space where we tell the real stories of motherhood, faith, resilience, and everything in between. Today's conversation is incredibly special because our guest carries a perspective that only a very few people get to experience. Claire is not only just a mother, but she has experienced motherhood from multiple sides: foster mom, adopted mom, and biomom. And if there's one thing we believe here at the Beautiful Chaos, is that there is no single definition of motherhood. Claire's story is one of love, sacrifice, heartbreak, redemption, and purpose. Claire, thank you for being with us here. Thank you for joining me. Yes, yes, yes. So tell us just a little bit about you. Who's Claire?

SPEAKER_00 5:17

Okay, yes, I well, my always, my intro is I'm 29. 29. I'm a foster adoptive and bio mama, but um I'm also a wife and um I've lived in Oklahoma for five years. Since 2021. I moved to Florida for a short time, but lived in Oklahoma. Um, so I've moved a lot. I've lived in Kansas City, St. Louis, Arkansas, Dallas. Now I'm in Oklahoma, raising my kids. Um, I have fostered, I lost track, but I think I'm around 50. I think we've had through foster care, respite, and informal care, I think we've had and emergency placements, I think we've had around 50 kids.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

Wow.

SPEAKER_00 5:58

So yeah, that's my life. I also am a business owner. I run a small flooring business.

SPEAKER_01 6:02

Yes. Yes. So that's what I am. So you just so how did you get started into the foster care?

SPEAKER_00 6:09

Yeah, so kind of a couple different things, but um, my parents did a great job of when my me and my siblings were growing up, we always knew that there were like adults and kids that needed a safe place to land. Right. So my parents took in a lot of adults that needed like a new environmental. Yes. Okay. Like my uncle lived with us once. Um yeah, some other adults. I don't, I can't like go into cherry their details, but yes. Um, and then when I was in middle school, a teen boy moved in with us who was not in foster care um, but was just kind of like couch hopping. And my parents were always just so quick to be like, oh, blah blah is going through this, they need to come live with us. So my parents kind of like did a great job of just showing me our our home is a home for anybody. I love that. Yeah. And then when I went to the University of Arkansas, every when I would go to a different church, I would like get involved, and like all of the families I met happen to be foster parents. Really crazy. So I was just always around these kids in foster care. Um, and so then I just like started researching. And once you know all of the details, it's really hard to just like pretend foster care doesn't exist. Right. Turn an eye, turn another eye. Yeah. And so then when my husband and I got engaged, um, he was a firefighter. There was another firefighter family that had just started fostering, and he just said, Hey, let us know if we can come help or if we can help you guys in any way. They got their first placement, was a sibling set of a two and one-year-old. And we just came alongside them and had that two and those little kids, uh boy and a girl, often. And so that was when we were engaged and we didn't live together. Okay. And we just kept like playing house. I love that though. Um, well, we weren't really playing house, like these foster, these kids in foster care, they need somewhere to go.

SPEAKER_01 8:01

They need somewhere to land. So how many kids do you have under your household right now? Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:07

I have three in my care currently. I have a two-year-old, my biological daughter. Yes. I have a seven-year-old that we adopted out of foster care, and then I have a teen boy that has lived with us for a little over a month. Okay. Yeah. So you have three. I have three.

SPEAKER_01 8:21

Are you taking any more in right now? Are you have you guys have your capped when you're not receiving the calls?

SPEAKER_00 8:27

So no, we are never not receiving calls. Okay. We are always receiving calls. Um, I've had three babies in the past six months. Not at the same time. But yes.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

I can't even like imagine. So you just get a phone call. They call you in the middle of the night and say, Hey, we have this innocent baby. And you're like, bring him. Yeah. And you have like an hour, two hours, whatever the minimum window is, to get everything put together. Yeah. Um, mm-hmm. Yeah. How is that? How is that with like your household? Because how do you manage that with just the change, the constant change? You just take every day as it is.

SPEAKER_00 9:06

Yeah. So the Lord really like gives me new energy when I get a call and I know I'm supposed to say yes to that call. And then that, so sometimes I say yes and I don't actually get the children. Right. But when I do, I always am like, I'm not gonna move anything, I'm not gonna do anything until I get the call that they're literally physically in the car on the way to my house. Right. And then I just start scrambling. Right. But I feel like the Lord always just gives me so much energy to be able to just like, I don't know, thrive in that chaos.

SPEAKER_01 9:35

So just thrive in the chaos of it. How does it balance with your other kids and your husband? How do they feel? Like you just roll over, like, hey, we got a baby on it on a way.

SPEAKER_00 9:43

Yes, my kids absolutely love it. Yeah. And my two-year-old, she just thrives in it and she doesn't really understand what's happening. Right. But my seven-year-old, he'll be able to verbalize. He'll say, Okay, we are gonna provide safety. And maybe their mommy and daddy weren't being safe. So we're gonna be safe for them right now. Right. Um, and my kids absolutely love it. And my husband is, he works law and he's like, This is your thing. And you just tell me like where you need me. Um, but he also just shows up in random ways of like we had a sibling set of three boys um a couple of months ago. And the morning they woke up, my husband was like, What do you guys want for breakfast? And they said French toast. And I'm like, Well, sorry, I wouldn't have French toast. Like, think of something else. And my husband was like, Oh no, like I will make it work. Like, we can never have French toast. We can have French toast. Yeah. Um, and I'm like, okay, wait, like you have it, this is where you're gonna show up for me. Yeah. So yeah. So we everybody just fills in where they can.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

So your days are are literally just chaos all day, every day. But it's a beautiful type of chaos, though. Yes. And you guys just thrive on it. Yeah. Oh my gosh. What does a normal day look like in your guys' world?

SPEAKER_00 10:53

Yeah. So it depends on if it's a like a placement we've had for a little bit or if we are getting a new placement. Um, but my kids all go to childcare. Even when I am fostering um an infant, they go to childcare because I work full-time. But I'm own my own business, so I can make it pretty flexible. Right. Um, so I try to wake up before everybody in the house. Right. So that I can, that's like a newer thing. It has just given me a lot more peace. And so I wake up. Um, sometimes there's a baby there that I'm like quickly making a bottle for. Um, if not, then I wake my son up, get him off. All of my kids always go to different schools too. So like I never have children within the same school. Right. So my mornings are long and it's a lot of juggling. Um, yeah, school drop-off, killing time in between each drop-off. And then I go to work and when I get I'm typically like always done with work around um two so that I can pick everybody up from school. And then we get home. And it's just free for all. Free for all. Here we go. Dinners, baths, brush your teeth. I do I recently cut out going to the grocery store. Like I own and I live in the middle of nowhere. I only do Walmart, I only do grocery delivery.

SPEAKER_01 12:06

Oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:07

Because that was like too hard. No, that is too hard. Balancing traumas and emotions and multiple different kids and and then also uh having to add in like the everyday, the to-do list, the groceries, the pay the bills, the clean the house.

SPEAKER_01 12:23

Yeah, I was about to ask you the next question was did you always picture yourself as being a mom of fostering and adopting?

SPEAKER_00 12:35

Yeah, so so crazy. So, you know, I don't know if people don't send out Christmas cards as much anymore. But growing up, we always had Christmas cards lining our fridge. I love Christmas cards. What do you mean? People don't say Christmas cards. I just always say Christmas cards. Okay, me too. Well, we always had Christmas card cards like lining our fridge. I mean, and I would look at them and I just remember thinking, like, oh my gosh, that family's beautiful, but I don't want my family to look anything like it. I want my family to look like nobody has the same mom and dad. Like I didn't want anybody to look similar. Um and which I'm like sometimes today, I'm like, you know, it's I live a it's a lot. It's a hard life. Obviously, my hair is falling out. I mean, it's tough at times. And when it's tough at times, I think back and I'm like, why didn't I want the white picket fans, like beautiful, the you know, like four children that are all blonde hair with blue eyes that look just like mommy and daddy? Like, why didn't I desire that? Because this is tough. Um, but it's so worth it. And I love it. Uh-huh.

SPEAKER_01 13:31

Oh, yeah. And you also have to just take it whi by the reins and just say, be like, okay, Lord, this is what you've asked me to do. So I'm gonna obey and I'm gonna do it, even though even though there are hard days, but I do like your perspective of I don't want my family to all look the same.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

And I think it's pretty amazing that you've opened the doors uh and your heart to these children because it is at the end of the day devastating. Yeah. And some of their stories, how do you handle that? How do you handle the mental toll of that? Because I know it can't be easy.

SPEAKER_00 14:05

Yes. Um tough. I would say actually, like posting on the online, which I know that like there are a lot of negative sides to social media, but there's also a lot of positives. Yeah. And posting online and having people flood my messages of like, I've been there. Let me tell you how to walk through this. Exactly. Um, or like have similar stories, or I just I see you. Like that is so extremely helpful and like continu helps me like just get refilled and refueled. Um, also the Lord, like he just gives me, he equips me with whatever I need to like keep pushing. I will say recently, I like the stories are really weighing on me, which I I mean, I have so I used to get when I first opened, I got about four call phone calls a week. Emergency foster care typically means very, very heartbreaking. All the stories are heartbreaking, right? A kid is being removed from their biological mother or father or what family member. It is all heartbreaking. But some stories I mean so heavy, and recently that has gotten really hard. But a couple of my really close friends opened as foster homes. And so we can like vent together and have that community.

SPEAKER_01 15:18

Yeah. But the community is amazing. But it's more of like, how does Claire handle it? Oh, I run. So I saw that you've been running, you're back on running. Yes. So you just go and you just escape all of that. So when you have those heartbreaking situations, how do you manage the trauma and all of that within your own home? Like you're bringing these kids in your home that are that have seen or have done things, I mean, that you can't even imagine. How do you handle their behaviors? And you just have like I I've always I'm I'm curious to know how do you, how do you and your husband I always have to remember?

SPEAKER_00 16:02

I mean, even though my seven-year-old, I got him when he was three, um, but he had been, I was his fifth mom. So I mean, that's traumatic. He was also born to a really young mom, and there was trauma in utero. So like that is heavy. Um, but we just like can remember okay. So this is these are two things I always hold on to. One, this child did not get to pick the way that they're handling situations or the way that they're behaving. They didn't get to choose what happened to them. Amen. And so like I get a I but I get to choose how I'm gonna handle it and how I'm gonna respond. And I love that perspective. So I get to choose how I'm gonna respond to that, and they didn't get to choose how they're behaving. So that's part of it. The other part is I this is like a newer thing that I I thought of is I was laying in both my husband and I were talking about, you know, or all of our kids, and I was like, I have to put myself in the perspective of like the Lord, how the Lord views us, and how this child that is breaking every rule, acting a fool, I mean, getting kicked out of daycare is like if there's a child like that, the Lord loves that child just as much as the child that everybody wants in their class. Right. That has never done anything wrong, you know. That's the easy kid in their family. Like the Lord's love for those children are exactly the same. Right. And I have to and like I gotta put myself in those shoes and I have to ask the Lord to make my heart like understand that and see that.

SPEAKER_01 17:33

And they didn't get asked to be brought into this world. Yeah. And I think becoming a mom, with all the struggles that I've experienced over the last three, oh my gosh, three and a half years. I can't believe my daughter's gonna be four. Like that is just crazy to me. Time flies, but um, that was something that like even my my dad said to me recently. He was like, She didn't get asked to be brought into this world. You and Daniel made that adult decision, and that has stayed with me. And I think when that finally struck, that was when I needed, that was when I was able to go get the help that I needed. So I think your perspective of opening your home to these children, and then when they are struggling, you're able to get on your hands and your knees and you're able to hold them and say, Listen, I see you, I feel you, I know you're in pain, but I'm here now. So let's make a shift. I'm getting goosebumps just talking about this.

SPEAKER_00 18:32

Like so I lay hands on my kids. I'm like, let me lay hands on you. And when I pray, I'm like begging for the Lord to restore everything part of their being because they didn't get to pick what happened.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

They didn't, they didn't, yeah, and that is something, but this is a thing that I think the reason why the Lord has picked you to be their mom, even if it's just a day. Yeah, is things can change. You don't have to stay the way you are, yeah, if that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 19:06

Oh, totally.

SPEAKER_01 19:06

Because I mean, we have people out there, even adults who have the pity parties who think about, oh my gosh, my mom died. Like, for example, I don't know if you know this about me, but my biological mom died when I was nine from a drug overdose. So I have a lot of trauma. I've been through a lot. But do I sit here and somber in it and cry about it? Yes, I have. But taking that the initiative and that encouragement of like, okay, I'm going to overcome this. I'm going to be different from what was given to me.

SPEAKER_00 19:35

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 19:35

Yeah. And I bet with the oldest son of yours, um, because he's older, he's 17, right? 13. 13. He's in that special phase of either he can go left or he can go right. And I think it's beautiful that he has you where you could be like, okay, listen, yeah, your story sucks. Sucks, yeah. Sucks and it's terrible. But guess what, buddy? We're not gonna let that define you.

SPEAKER_00 19:59

Oh, yeah. We have those conversations all the time. And you have to. Yeah. And and I also I want him to know his story is awful, right? And and his feelings are valid. And and it it should have never happened. Things that are happening should have never happened. Things that have happened should have never happened, right? He should never be in foster care. I also remind him of the people, the kids around him, they are also experiencing things. And you're gonna see kids that yeah, that let it, I mean, completely ruin their lives. Right. And you're gonna see people that are like, okay, but that's not who I am. That's not gonna define me.

SPEAKER_01 20:34

Does the pressure ever get to you when you know that, okay, I only have maybe a short period of time with them to touch their lives, change their, change their mindset, make them feel our have them feel loved and well taken care of? Do you ever feel that pressure of like, okay, I gotta do it all at once?

SPEAKER_00 20:52

Yeah. So I think I think about it after the fact. Like after they leave my home, I'm like, oh man, I should have told them this. Yeah. I should have, I remember, yeah. We had a 16-year-old boy that we had for 24 hours a couple of weeks ago or a couple months ago, right before we got our teen boy that we have now. And yeah, when he left my house, he made a comment to the DHS worker, like, well, what did I do wrong? And yeah. For him not to stay. Yeah. And that has eaten me alive of like I should have verbalized something to him of like.

SPEAKER_01 21:25

You're not doing anything wrong.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Yeah, it wasn't, it's nothing of you. Like at that time, we were not trying to take a teenager long term. And then the Lord, that was the Lord's that night. Lord stopped in my heart. I could not stop crying about that. And I think him saying that, like it has Did he say that to you or to the teenage? No, he said it to a DHS worker.

SPEAKER_01 21:45

And then she said it, then DJ.

SPEAKER_00 21:46

And then I like got back to me. I can't remember how, but um I can't then, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:52

And I was like, has nothing to do with you, baby. Oh, nothing to do with it.

SPEAKER_00 21:56

Yes. Oh my god, so that's I mean, that yeah, there are kids. That, like, right as I'm saying goodbye to them, which I've said hello and goodbye to way too many kids. And I think after they leave is when I'm like, oh my gosh, I had that small of a window to remind them how loved they are, how adored they are, how much the Lord loves them. And show them the Lord. I mean, they might not even know who got them. I'm like, we just thought something they've had a hug. Right. And that eats me a lot. That is when I'm like, oh, I could, I could do better. Okay.

SPEAKER_01 22:26

Well, also, I I mean, I've just met you officially for the third time today. But you got to give yourself grace. Yeah. You have to, because you are doing everything that you possibly can. I mean, you've said you're like, you are at your, I don't want to say wits in, but you're at your threshold. Like you, I mean, you're going through it right now. Yeah. Um, and I think people forget that foster parents, they have their own, um, what's the thing looking for? They have their own stuff that they're dealing with. Yeah. Internally, and they have to put their self more on the back burner so they can take care of these kids on top of your adoptive son and then your bio daughter, and then you have your husband, then you have your yeah, it's just a lot. You're juggling a lot of hats. So I think you just need to give yourself just a little bit grace on that.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Yeah, I do. I need to, I need to go be a little bit easier on myself at times.

SPEAKER_01 23:21

Because you because if you're not okay, then nothing around us is gonna be okay. Right.

SPEAKER_00 23:26

Yes, yeah. Totally.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

I feel that.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Yeah. And I think, like, I also have to remind myself, I am not the foster mom that drives like the big van full of seven kids. Like, that's not the kind of foster mom I am, and that's okay. What do you mean? Well, I think like a lot of majority of the fos uh foster moms, like if you go to a foster care event, or I don't know, they have like so many foster kids, so many placements, so many bio kids. Like there's just they drive big vans and they have like every seat filled. And you know, sometimes not me.

SPEAKER_01 23:58

Okay, I can edit this out, but I'm gonna make a comment. Sometimes that's not what needs to be going on. You don't need to have seven to ten kids in one household.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

Is that like that's a whole different subpocalist I could get on? But yes, because I'm like how okay, especially if majority of them or a handful of them are have experienced foster care, they have so many needs that need to be met. How are you meeting all those things?

SPEAKER_01 24:23

Like, is there like any like guidelines on how many kids you can have? Oh, okay. So Do you want to dive into this? Because if we don't want you to No, we can totally dive into this. Okay, because I don't want to piss anybody off or get you in trouble or get me in trouble.

SPEAKER_00 24:34

Girl, stigma behind foster care is not good. Oh, terrible. And it's really bad. But valid. Yeah. Because, like I say, I used to be on the board of a nonprofit. I'm heavily involved in our in the um agency I I go through. I like love the agency I foster through. Um, you know, and I know so many foster parents online because that's my platform. But I mean, I would I think I would say it to anybody's face. I don't know, of yeah, I don't know how you are meeting all of those needs because Well, you're not meeting their needs.

SPEAKER_01 25:09

You're not. And the and so you're just giving them a bed and giving them food to eat. You're not giving them the the equip of the attention and love that they do need. So I think the DHS system and foster care system and whoever the hell they are needs to do a better job at that. Because, like what we what you said, these kids did not get asked to be brought into this world. So we've got to pick up the slack of these The problem is there's not enough homes.

SPEAKER_00 25:34

So that's why these kids go, these homes go to overfill and they're taking seven kids, is because if they don't And God bless those ones that do, and God bless the ones that are doing it right because they're like, if not, where are these kids gonna go?

SPEAKER_01 25:46

Right, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:47

Because Claire over here will only take three.

SPEAKER_01 25:49

But I mean, I mean, I've watched some of your videos and then some things have popped up on my TikTok. It's like if they don't go anywhere, they sleep at the DHS office, right?

SPEAKER_00 25:58

Right, which is why we do emergency so that kids don't sleep in the office. But there's there's so many kids that sleep in the office every night, and hospitals and group, I mean, group homes, group homes um and shelters. Yes, there are kid shelters and group homes throughout. In Tulsa? Yes, every state, yes, where these kids go. So my teenager knows if there's a good chance if he's not with me, he is in a shelter. He knows that.

SPEAKER_01 26:22

I can't.

SPEAKER_00 26:24

I literally I cannot. Yeah. So that is why there's homes that are taking seven kids. And even though they are not me, like I don't feel like they could meet the needs to every kid in that in their care. Well, then if not them, who is who is? So that's why they do it. So it's it's I mean, it's hard where I can look at them and be like, you're not beating. But they're like, okay, well, at least I They're not on the street, they're not at a shelter, and they're not in a group home.

SPEAKER_01 26:50

So but I mean, but isn't that more detrimental to their mental health? I mean, you hear these horrible foster stories about these foster kids. I get treated like crap, they're dirty, they make them pee in a bucket. I mean, it's just the stuff that you see on movies, it does really happen. Oh, and like I just and the and the system is so jacked that they don't even care. I saw a video. Yes, I wish if I can find it, I'm gonna post it or I'm gonna tag it in our episode. I saw a video of a of a woman of a DHS worker went to go see or go check on this child, and the house was horrendous.

SPEAKER_00 27:27

And they left the kid there. Yeah. So to get a kid removed, so there's also that of like people are like DHS wrongfully removed to make children. And I would say, yes, like there's there are bad apples in everything. And so there could be that. All 50 of my kids that I've had, or I don't know if that's the exact number, a thousand percent should have been removed from the care that they were in. A thousand percent. And so, but to get a kid removed, it is not easy. Like a judge has to sign off on it. You have to have evidence, you have to have proof. It's so like just having a messy house, like that's not gonna get a kid removed. Like you the I mean, I've called in on kids before. I've called in and said, hey, I need a wellness check on this kid. And there is a child that absolutely should have been removed, was not removed. Oh my god. I mean, we're talking, I was worried about shaking baby syndrome. And the kid was not being removed.

SPEAKER_01 28:20

See the whole shaking baby syndrome, that is so scary. I remember that was like one of the first things they talked about in the hospital after I had Rowan. And I will say, even though I did go through a really difficult time with Rowan, I I never thought about that. Like I just always just put her down and walked away.

SPEAKER_00 28:38

Yeah. Well, I think sleep deprivation, I think that has a play. And by and um they're they're finally talking about it, the postpartum psychosis. Postpartum psychosis.

SPEAKER_01 28:47

And then a lot of you never even knew about that.

SPEAKER_00 28:49

Yes, crazy. And if you've had a baby that has had any exposure to drugs in utero, their cry is significantly different and they can scream all night long. And and then you have that, and then you have psychosis, and then you have you haven't slept. I'm like, it makes it doesn't make sense why anybody would ever do that. But I mean, it's not like they're in the right headspace when they do it.

SPEAKER_01 29:11

So something you don't know about me is I was a drug baby. Really? Yes. My mom was on opiates when she was pregnant with me and she actually got arrested. Yeah. And my poor dad, he was overseas working on an oil rig. Poor man.

SPEAKER_00 29:27

No way.

SPEAKER_01 29:27

So yeah. And my dad had to do everything in his power for me to for him to keep me. Yeah. Yeah. To keep me.

SPEAKER_00 29:36

So have you, do you feel like anything in your life for now is associated with being exposed to drugs and utero?

SPEAKER_01 29:43

What do you uh with the stuff I'm dealing with? Yeah. Oh, absolutely. My my mental health, my ADD, my ADHD. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 29:48

So ADHD is and behavior is like what we see most in foster care.

SPEAKER_01 29:52

So I have a borderline personality disorder. I'm not crazy, but I have um level one of it. Crazy. And it's well, it's due to my trauma that I've experienced. So yeah, a lot of the crap that I battle with is from that. Yeah. And when I had Ro, I was like, oh my gosh, how could how could she do this to me? Like, right? Like, how could I mean yes, okay, yeah. I went, I was disassociated. I went through my shit, but I'm getting the help that I'm I need and I'm on my medicine, I'm being proactive. And yes, like I've I've hit a wall right now, but I'm getting the help I need. I just I remember after I had Rowan, I had my my therapy session actually in here. And I looked at my therapist and I said, I don't understand how she could do this to me.

SPEAKER_00 30:38

Yeah. Yeah. Like, what? I tell my I look at these kids and I look at my husband and I'm like, why is this mom not doing X, Y, and Z? And he is like, Claire, your thought process and how you feel and how you do things is vastly different from them. You cannot compare because you guys are just it's it's a different planets. Two different planets. Yeah. Yeah. But I'm with you. I'm like, I look at these kids and I'm like, how does a mother do any of this? Yeah.

unknown 31:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:09

And then one day I'm gonna have to tell I'm gonna have to tell Rowan my story. Yeah. And she's gonna ask why she's an only child. And I'm like, because mommy can't do it. Yeah. I sadly can't do it. I always thought I was going to. Um, it's funny because yesterday we were driving to school and we're running late and I was uh taking my medicine and she goes, mommy, why are you taking your medicine? I'm like, so it keeps me sane. Yeah, like it keeps me sane. But no, I mean back to the foster care conversation. I mean, yeah, I I mean DHS visited our house and all of the things. So it's crazy. It's crazy to see how these kids, the the situations that they are put in at such a young, heartbreaking age. And I think what I think what kills me even more is like the babies, like like the babe, like the oh God. Yeah. And then like you ask God, like, why do you like why are you allowing this to happen? Like, why why are you letting this happen? Take control of it. It just makes you question humanity so much.

SPEAKER_00 32:08

Oh yeah. Yeah. And it makes you want to live. I mean, I live in the middle of nowhere. I live literally in the woods. And I did not like it at first. And then now I'm like, I love living in the middle of the woods. I don't want anybody to come near my kids. Right. Because I hear such terrible things constantly. So I'm like, yeah, nobody's allowed in this bubble.

SPEAKER_01 32:28

And that's I mean, right now in the society that we're living in right now, I mean, you have to.

SPEAKER_00 32:32

Oh, yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 32:34

And like you have to you have to guard everything off and just guard everybody out and just be in your own little world.

SPEAKER_00 32:43

Yeah, which is funny because people are like, How do you feel safe in your house? Like, how do you feel safe fostering? And I'm like, I'm not these kids don't scare me. No, it's you, it's the adults. Yes. And I'm like, look at the statistics. And like, your husband scares me more than having foster care.

SPEAKER_01 32:57

Can you share some statistics with us about foster care?

SPEAKER_00 33:00

Okay, well, so I'm gonna butcher everything, but like uh Tim Tebow obviously is his big fight is against like trafficking and sex trafficking. Sex trafficking, yeah. Yeah, sex trafficking and child and images of children and yeah, predators. I mean, he shared the other day the biggest predator is a biological dad. What? Mm-hmm. What? Yes, and that is the truth. I mean, I I could tell you because I get phone calls. Yeah. And that is so instant that is so And I have fostered lots of teen girls, and I can tell you that is and yeah, biological yeah, so family members, really close friends, right? Um, people in your inner circle that's the scary people. Um, yeah, people that evil people, the evil people, yeah. And yeah, so it's like okay, a teen uh people right now, because I have a teen boy and I have a two-year-old daughter, people are always like, Oh my gosh. And I'm like, oh my gosh, what? I'm like, your husband. I'm more scared of your husband than my teen boy in my home. Thank you. Like, because statistically and also mind your own business. Yeah, but also people are like, well, kids that have been sexually assault dosed, yeah, are more often to redo it. Yes, yeah. Now, children in my home, I mean, I just make it very clear, I have open conversations and children in my home knows that there's rules, right? And also kids in foster care, especially, if they have experienced foster care for any amount of time or have slept in an office, they know they could easily be removed from my care. So they are going to make good choices in my home majority of the time because they are, they want to live with, they want to be in my home. My home is a safe foster home. There's a lot of not safe foster homes. Right. My home feels very safe. So they want to, they want to do well in my care. So that kind of takes out like them doing something that would get them removed out of my house.

SPEAKER_01 34:58

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SPEAKER_00 36:36

Right. Yeah, my teenager right now, which were like I'll be like, hey, your room's disgusting. Like I'm just being a mom saying that, right? I'd say that to all of my kids. Pops up, goes to try to clean this room. And I'm like, buddy, I don't have to do it right now. But it's because he wants to do well in my like he, my home is safe. I'm a good foster. Like, I don't, I'm not tuning my own horn, but You are. But I know this because I've had kids removed from terrible foster homes and immediately come into my house. I mean, I've had a I can't, I'm not gonna trauma up all my stories, but I've had kids come in and because they were abused in a foster home and then come to my care. So they Yeah, they're like, what does it take to stay?

SPEAKER_01 37:13

What does it take to stay?

SPEAKER_00 37:14

Yeah. Yeah. Jesus. Yeah, that's my teenager. A lot of my teenagers are like that's so heavy. Yeah.

unknown 37:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 37:24

And heartbreaking. Yeah, like I I need know that I need to do everything by the book so that I don't have to go to a shelter or go to a different foster home because I want to be in this one. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 37:35

So how do you protect your heart while you're still loving these children?

SPEAKER_00 37:38

Yeah. That's the main thing. Yeah. How do I protect my heart? There's no heart protection, honestly. Um, and in that I mean that in the very best way because people say, you know, I cannot stand the term, but everyone says I could never foster because I get too attached. Well, I do get too attached. And I don't protect my heart in that because the best way for these kids to feel unconditional love and have healing and have see a healthy relationship is for me to give them all of my heart. And has there been a situation where you're like I don't know if I don't know if I can give them back to the system? So very few of them feel like you're supposed to have them for forever because you're not like that's not how God intended it. And um, not everybody meshes well with your family. And especially now that I have a son that is, I have a son and a daughter who are my forever kids. And um, so bringing other foster kids, bringing other children into our lives, it has to flow, it has to mesh. Right. So, and I mean, it doesn't always feel like that. And so there are a lot of them that I'm like, I absolutely love you, but yeah, I know I am not your forever mommy. Right. Um there's a handful that I could have parented for forever, um, that I have no idea what they are doing, what they're like. Um, and that is so hard for me. And the best way for me to not just like sit and mourn and like just grieve that is to know and understand there's gonna be another phone call.

SPEAKER_01 39:18

Is that not is that not normal in in foster care and adoption world? People like foster parents saying these are my kids. I think it is.

SPEAKER_00 39:28

I think people that look in don't um they don't think it's normal. Well, they ask a lot of like you can ask any foster mom um that at some point they have been asked which which ones are yours? Like people ask, which ones are yours? Like which ones are your biological kids? How rude. So I think every foster mom's is is now at the point they're all mine.

SPEAKER_01 39:54

These people, I tell you, they where is your manners? Oh yeah. I mean, I how do you how do you deal with those people?

SPEAKER_00 40:05

I stopped going to church for a while. Because it was happening at church. Um, so I kept bounced church hopping, honestly, because I was just like didn't know how to handle somebody that loves the same Jesus that I do, like saying something to me that was like hurtful. Um I've gotten better. But yeah, and also my son is at the age where he's like pretty quick with it. He obviously does not look anything like me, and or his dad or his sister, and people constantly say things, and he is like got really confident in how he responds.

SPEAKER_01 40:38

Your seven-year-old or your seven-year-old. I think that's so wild that people even in today's society are still talking like that. Like you and your husband have opened your home, opened your heart, opened your love to these not just foster kids, but also your adoptive son. And I mean, just his story alone is wild as well. So how did oh my gosh, I'm like I'm like stuck on this because I just cannot believe people are like that. Like, yeah, you're telling me that people make comments which one's actually yours.

SPEAKER_00 41:16

Yes. And also it would be like they're all mine. Yeah, yeah, they're all mine. Also, people like have this idea of foster care, and they went will walk up and be like, Oh, did this happen to them? Or I used to have this multiple times people have come up to me and be like, Do they have fetal alcohol? And I'm like, No, they're like fetal, like their mom drank, like overdrank it when they were in uteros. So, and sometimes you can fetal alcohol syndrome a symptom or um something, a way that you can see that is a big forehead. Okay, lots of kids have big foreheads, okay? Um, I just happen to have a really small. I didn't know that was a thing. Yeah, and so when I have a child, people would be like, Oh my gosh, do they have fetal alcohol syndrome? And that's why people are just too comfortable. And I was like, no. Also to my son, people would be like, Where did he come from? And I'm like, right here. Like, I like and I'll say, like, oh, we adopted out of foster care. So, like, where is he from? I'm like, foster care happens right here. Um, yeah, or okay, a lot of white people, which is funny, would be like, he looks Jamaican. Is he Jamaican? No, my child is not in fact Jamaican. And also why do you why do you care?

unknown 42:27

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 42:28

It's pretty funny. So yeah, we get all the comments. So they're all mine. They're all mine. They, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:34

I just I uh I don't know if I would be able to keep my mouth shut. Yeah. I bet it's so hard because you are on a public flat, you are on a public platform and you do have to follow the rules when it comes to foster care and all of the things. And I mean, your husband's a firefighter, like all I mean, you do have a lot of eyes on you, but at some point, who are gonna speak up for these kids? Yeah, yeah. Because if they say something, they're in the wrong, they're hateful, they're a brat, they're rude. And you're like, no, what you are saying to us and how you are treating us and how you are acting, you're the rude one. Yeah, and you have no idea. Like you, yeah. You have no clue what they've been through, you have no clue what they've seen, you have no clue how they've been treated. And we should be treating them with love and grace and humility. And all you're doing is asking, is he Jamaican? Where is he from? What's his backstory? Yeah. You want to know about his trauma? No, let's talk about how he's been the last few years with me. Absolutely. Let's talk about Under my roof.

SPEAKER_00 43:34

Yeah. Well, okay, my favorite story to talk about is my son. When we met him, he was two and a half, he could not talk. He got moved into our home when he was three. He literally he said maybe three words and none of them correctly. He said truff for truck, ma for mom, and tea for drink. That was it. And he was three years old, over three at the time. Could not talk. And that's heartbreaking. Yeah. Well, now my son reads above grade level. So go him. Yeah. Go you, mama. Yeah, let's talk about. I'm like, let's talk about that. Like, let's talk about um how far they've come. Yes. And my teenager, oh my gosh, how far he's come. Like when my husband, my husband was the one that was like, we we did emergency to get my teenager. He was an emergency placement, him and his baby brother. And my um husband was like, we're keeping the teenager. And I was like, the teenager hates us, he won't look at us, blah, blah, blah. Um, like he won't shake anybody's hand. Like my teenager now, I'm like, shh, shh. I got an email from his teacher, and his teacher's like, he can't, like, he's super smart, doing amazing. But he won't stop talking. But he won't stop talking. And I'm like, okay, that's a great problem to have. Like, yeah. Yeah. So yeah, let's talk about like the transformation we'd see. It's incredible. And so I always I think people miss that point. Miss that. And I always have like tell my kids, I'm so proud of you. And like for small things that people other people might be like, that's really what you're proud of them for. I'm like, yeah, because you didn't see them before.

SPEAKER_01 45:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 45:03

Yeah, you didn't know what they were like when I met them and how they are now. So yeah, the smallest things are the biggest wins.

SPEAKER_01 45:11

And people just don't even understand that.

SPEAKER_00 45:13

Yeah, no, because I I mean I live a life that like very small percentage of it. And that's very true.

SPEAKER_01 45:17

You do, I mean, you do live a life that not a lot of people experience or understand. And it does take a very special individual to do what you are doing and the work you are doing. So maybe sometimes when people do ask these stupid questions, maybe it's out of um being uncomfortable, not knowing really what the right thing is to say, those things. But still, like you're a human, have a little bit of decency and some compassion. And I agree. Let's stop asking what their story is. Let's talk about their wins now.

SPEAKER_00 45:58

Yes. And I would I would say majority of people that ask things are just so unaware because foster care is a world where like you see a new, you see news articles of like kid abuse in foster home. Like that's what people know. They don't actually know anything about foster care. And that is why like I started posting so much of like, I just want people to be aware of it. Yeah. Because so many people are just like nobody knows that there's group homes and shelters, kid shelters with four kids. In Tulsa. Yeah. I'm just I'm I'm like over this day. They're all over the state. And people, yeah. And who takes care and who takes care of those kids? They just go in there and they just Yeah, the workers that have a high turnaround and could get on a power trip and like, yeah, you don't know. And you know, as believers, so many people go on these amazing trips and go serve kids in orphanages, which I did too, and I loved it. But why are we not doing that in our home front? Yeah. So I used to always ask people the question you know that there's like orphanages in Haiti and Africa, and like you see, you've gone to it. Well, what about the kids here? Because a lot of those kids in those orphanages actually do have a mom and dad, but their parents can't care for them. So what about the kids here? Like, where do they go? And most people will say, I have no idea. Like, yeah, shelters, group homes, foster homes. Wow. Have you ever thought of starting a nonprofit? So I actually, my focus in college was on um nonprofit studies. And I have been on the board of nonprofits and I love that. Now I feel like I have because I run my business and provide at home and still say yes to kids in foster care. I mean, I still have a ton of placements. Um, I'm not there yet. Maybe if I ever close my home, yes. Which would be a very hard thing for me to do is to close my home. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:38

I think that's a really good point that you just made. We do go overseas and we do all of these mission trips and we do all of these things for like kids in Africa and Mexico and Peru and can't like all of the other places. But why are we not doing that right here in our backyard? Like the fact that there are shelters for kids, that's heartbreaking. Yeah. Like really like 20 minutes up the street. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Do you ever have any sympathy for these parents that their kids get removed?

SPEAKER_00 48:14

Yeah. So I actually can find sympathy in the fact that there are things that are there's so many layers. It's so generational. Yeah. Um, which also a lot of times, like if education didn't matter to family to like your great-grandparents, then it didn't matter to your mom. And then it didn't matter to you. Right. So like then you have lack of education, and then you're just not knowledgeable. And then like you're you grew up in such extreme generational poverty that the only way out was to like sell something, right? Right. So I mean, I do think like in that sense, when I when it is something, a case like that, I yes, that is so hard. I'm like, how do we break this generational cycle? Now that is not all the kids I see. That is not all of the abuse, that is not all of my cases. There are other cases of parents that are educated, and they it's yeah, there are things where I'm like, I just have zero sympathy. I mean, yeah. So what is the step?

SPEAKER_01 49:14

So you get the call, you you get the you get the kid, and then you are a foster mom that you do have communication with the bio family, the bioparents.

SPEAKER_00 49:25

Yeah. It it's up to the foster parents, but as a f as for me personally, I do. You do.

SPEAKER_01 49:30

So what's that process look like?

SPEAKER_00 49:32

So it depends on the safety of the parent. If the parent feels safe, if the case feels safe, I will give my name and my personal contact and I will contact to them. It's up to me. I have to make the initial contact.

SPEAKER_01 49:42

Okay. And I can give you a concept. Because I'll let the DHS agent person give them your number, like, okay, here's here.

SPEAKER_00 49:47

No, no, no. I make initial contact. And so if it's if I feel like the parent is safe, um, I will give my actual personal number. If Wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 49:58

I know. You might need to not do that anymore.

SPEAKER_00 50:02

Let's get you a phone for just the foster numbers of this. So um, so that is some, but sometimes it's like I could do email. I can, yeah. Or there are times where I am in a group text, it's me and other people. I don't just, it's just not a communication between the two of us. So either a caseworker or somebody else um that needs to provide, yeah, uh a little just extra stuff of safety. But sometimes it is a caseworker me and the bioparents in a group text. How do those go? Can you share a little bit? Yeah. Um so I have seen everything, but majority of the time parents hate that their kids are in foster care and they can check they good parents will check in daily of, and like let's be honest, there are amazing, amazing parents that have lost their kids and that is and they have made a poor decision and that they lost their kids. And then there's the flip side, and they are just awful parents. But there are some times where there are amazing parents and they will check in every day. Like they want pictures, they will send me what their kids' favorite.

SPEAKER_01 51:07

I didn't even know that you were allowed to do that. I thought when they were out of the care of their mom, you're you're out.

SPEAKER_00 51:13

No, because like think about it's a lot of kids are in foster care be because of domestic violence. And with domestic violence, which that's not really the case as I get because that's not a ton of emergency foster care, but uh, I haven't I haven't caught a ton of domestic violence, but that is some of it. And okay, so if bio mom was abused being abused or hurt by the dad, right bio mom made a poor choice to marry, get, or maybe the person changed, right? So that mom is probably like they deserve to see pictures of their kids. And they they also get visits a lot of the times. So, but it depends on what the abuse was, why their kids got removed, what the judge sees, the judge picks, the judge or the caseworker um decides how often they get to see their kids for how long, where they see their kids. Um, yeah, so that's what the visits would be like. And sometimes I do supervise, um, but majority of the time I I don't want to be raunch for that.

SPEAKER_01 52:12

Right. I mean, sometimes you do have to have those boundaries. Yeah, yeah. Wow, that is. So you do emergency. So what is what is that?

SPEAKER_00 52:20

Yeah. So emergency would be like a new removal. So, you know, on the weekends, people are busy, they're not saying yes as much, they're not answering their phone calls. So it's a lot of times starts on Thursday night through the weekend is majority, or even in the middle of the week, late at night. My my um agency that I'm through, they know that I will answer if they call me at 1 a.m. So let's say something tragic happens and a kid comes into care and they're like, we need this kid to just go somewhere before we can figure out a long-term option, if there's any safe family, anything, like we just need a place for those kids to land tonight.

SPEAKER_01 52:54

Right.

SPEAKER_00 52:55

So they call me, they say, This is what just happened. I have no actual paperwork on the kid because this just happened. Um, would you be willing to say yes for a night or two? If it's only a night, when can I, how long they can they stay? Do you need me to pick them up by a certain time? And then they don't know. I mean, if it's a baby, which a lot of times um it's not tiny, tiny babies, but I have had very young kids come in at emergency. I mean, under one, and it's me figuring out I can't even imagine. Yeah, it's me figuring out how to make it through the night. So, like these kids don't come with schedules or how many ounces they're taking or what formula they're on. Or yeah, and I'm figuring all that out. Or what size they wear. Um, if they take a passy, like all of that. It's it's just me figuring that out. Wow. Yeah. Wow. That's a lot. Yeah, and I mean, a lot of times if the kids are older, they have hair. Yeah, I'm trying to figure out if they have head lice, if they have bed bugs. Oh gosh, I didn't even think about any of that. Which is very hard because if they come and they have come with stuff, which sometimes they do, parents, like let's say a kid's removed and a parent's like, let me collect everything that I can for this kid. Sometimes it's like open open big gallon of like juice or something. I'm like, what that wasn't but they're trying to like show that they care, right? But that stuff I cannot bring into my home because I don't know what's on that clothing. I don't know what's on this that stuffed animal.

SPEAKER_01 54:29

The logistics behind it.

SPEAKER_00 54:30

So that is so hard because I don't bring that stuff. So it stays in the garage until I can go through it. Which this is the only thing that I mean, that might be the only item that kid has and makes them feel safe. And I have to still sometimes strip them of that.

SPEAKER_01 54:45

I bet that's really hard. Yeah. What do you wish people understood about families built through foster care and adoption?

SPEAKER_00 54:51

People always say they're so lucky. They're so lucky. Really? Is that the word we're gonna use that they were stripped from their bioparent and I had to step in? That's not lucky, and that's not how the Lord designed it.

SPEAKER_01 55:06

Right.

SPEAKER_00 55:07

But people think, I mean, it's like a savior comp, people think that Eric and I are they always people always say, like, you're a saint. People always talk about how Eric and I are so incredible, blah, blah, blah. These kids are just so lucky to be with us. I'm like, that that's no, these kids are not lucky. We stepped in, but it should have never happened.

SPEAKER_01 55:29

Right. Should have never happened. Should have never happened.

SPEAKER_00 55:33

Yeah, this is not, this is not how it's happened.

SPEAKER_01 55:36

That's deep. That's deep. That is so deep and so heavy. People, I just don't think, I mean, I I'll put myself in that category. I mean, I've said it multiple times, these kids are so lucky to have you. And it's not luck, and they shouldn't even be in your care. To be honest. They should not, yeah. To be completely honest. No. And I think people, I I okay, I I agree with that. I think people forget that. And I think they forget all of like the logistics behind it being a foster parent. Yeah. I mean, it's not just opening your home. It's I mean, just throughout the episode today, you've listed off a hundred different things that I didn't even think of.

SPEAKER_00 56:15

Yeah, there's, I mean, there's a lot of layers. There's a lot to it. And also these kids, yes, they can feel like, oh, I'm in a good environment. I'm in a safe home. But they also I mean, they wrestle with, they still wrestle with the thought of, but I should be experiencing Christmas with a mom that birthed me. Or when they're old enough, uh I should be taking care of my family, which is a big weight to carry.

SPEAKER_01 56:47

That's so heavy.

SPEAKER_00 56:48

Yeah. But I should be making sure my my mom and dad are okay, my siblings are okay and experiencing experiencing this with them. Which we're about to take our teenager to the beach for the first time. And I am so excited, and he is so excited. But I can't help but know that in the back of his mind, he wishes he was doing that with his siblings and his parents. Right.

SPEAKER_01 57:12

And that's hard. And that's really hard because the abandonment that they feel. Oh, yeah. The lonely the loneliness that they feel, the thoughts of why am I not good enough or enough?

SPEAKER_00 57:26

Why wouldn't my mom try hard enough? Exactly. Yeah, which we talked about that a little bit. But yeah, why is why is Claire doing meeting all my needs and doing all of this and going on above and beyond? But you can't. Yeah. Why can't they? Or and I also kind of it always has in the back of my mind of like my son that's um adopted is when he's older, is he going to look at me and ask me, Did you also try to help my mom? Oh Lord have mercy. I mean, yeah. And yeah, so that I mean, I wrestle with that. Um also like a lot of kids in foster care when they can be adopted out of foster care by an adoptive family and then reach a certain age. And maybe their parents and their family did get it together and they want to go live with them. And that's a real reality. What? Yeah, they can. And that's really reality.

SPEAKER_01 58:22

Pull this back, pull it back. Okay, so you're telling me that a foster kid who can get adopted. Let's say they're six, they walk into, let's say, me and Daniel fought we're foster care. We have a six-year-old, she's coming in here, da-da-da-da-da-da-da. We adopt her, and then she becomes a certain age, let's say 15, 16 years old. Her parents have literally written her off to me and Daniel.

SPEAKER_00 58:46

They could come back and take her. Oh, no, not like legally, but as of well, when she turns 18, she can go move in with them. But oh yeah. But at 16, like if sh if her family was doing amazing and she vocalized that to you, I mean, wouldn't it be hard to say, I hear your wishes, but no.

SPEAKER_01 59:05

Uh yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:06

If they're doing good, if biological family is doing good and can care for them.

SPEAKER_01 59:09

Yeah, no, you're right. You're right.

SPEAKER_00 59:11

It's very I mean, it is.

SPEAKER_01 59:12

You're right.

SPEAKER_00 59:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 59:15

You're right.

SPEAKER_00 59:16

But when they and when they reach 18, I mean, they get to choose.

SPEAKER_01 59:20

Yeah. No, that's heavy. No, that's really heavy. I mean, if she did come to me and say, Hey, I want to go back to my parents, they're doing really good. All the things. I mean, how how could you not say no? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 59:32

So what are the steps with that? Like, would you have like go to court, go to a lawyer? No, I think you would just do it. I don't know. But like, think about it. Okay, so you have a biological daughter. If for some reason you couldn't care for your child, they have to be adopted, then you work your whole life, you get it together. And like your daughter wants to come live with you. Yeah. You can be like, yeah, I'm be knocking on that foster home's door or those adoptive parents, and I'm gonna be begging them. Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:02

What has been the hardest moment in this journey for you?

SPEAKER_00 1:00:07

The hardest. Um the hardest is probably wanting to keep a child long term or wanting to be the correct fit and just knowing I can't.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:23

Yeah, having to say no.

SPEAKER_00 1:00:27

I'll be very honest. There have been two times when I needed DHS to come get a kid within 24 hours. Because they were so bad. Hard, yeah. Not necessarily bad, but yeah, I could I could not I couldn't meet the needs and it was needing and it was too hard on the kit on my kids. Yeah. It was too hard on my forever kids. I always call them my forever kids because they're all my kids, but too hard on my forever kids, and too hard on me, and I couldn't meet their needs. Um okay, people that work with children who have special needs, amazing. Like the Lord gave them a gift, amen. That I do not feel I have. Okay, that's fine. And that is some of it. And when a child has is new to custody and they might have some sort of special need, you're not gonna know that right away. And so I take emergency custody of these kids and we realize, oh, there might be something going on. Right. Right. Um, and that's okay. And the Lord can also like like the Lord can do everything, and like there might be a time where I do feel like I'm equipped.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:37

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:38

And the seasons I got those kids, I didn't feel like I was. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:41

Um because I mean, if you're new to it, I mean I can only imagine how hard it could be if you do get a kid that has special needs or needs more. But also something that is important if anyone is thinking about being a foster parent, is that you have to do what's best for your forever children and for your marriage and for your household. So if something doesn't mesh, it's okay. And it's, I bet it's hard in that moment for that kid to understand. But sometimes you have to protect your family.

SPEAKER_00 1:02:08

Yes, because then I can't manage all of my kids acting out because none of them are doing well. Right. Because I mean, you're only one. I'm only one. And um, my husband I always say, like, when we said yes to adopting our son, that means we will forever advocate. We will whatever forever do what's best. He was our first child. Because I had him before we had our biological daughter. Right. So we want to make sure all of his needs are met and he is getting all of the love, affection, care, advocacy he possibly needs before we take moron. Yeah. And if I don't feel like I can do that well, I can't I can't.

SPEAKER_01 1:02:51

Do you think that people just keep on saying yes to these kids if they are foster parents just because of the guilt they feel, not because of they can really handle it? If that makes sense.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:06

Yeah, I would yes, but then that's easy. That's why there's yes. That is why foster parents, I think I could I don't know the correct statistic, but I feel most close homes open and close within two years. And I think they get burnt out. Yeah, you're gonna get burnt out if you don't ever feel like you I mean, the first day, the first week, and the first month is always hard because it's a new adjustment. It's an adjustment period. But if you can't get out of that, yeah, that's gonna burn you out quick.

SPEAKER_01 1:03:39

How do you adjust so quickly? Because I mean that has to be hard for you. Yeah. Because the turnovers are so quick. So it's yes.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:49

So, okay. So when I get an why part of the reason we do emergency, we do it obviously to keep kids out of the office and to give DHS more time to find a good long-term option. But I also feel like when I do, when I take a child for emergency placement, yeah, I then can tell DHS how this child behaves in the home, what they are like, what a good option would be for them. Okay, I love that. So, like one time I had a sibling set and I was not, we are not the correct home. But I was like, Do you know any foster parents who love video games and love this and love this? I'm like, that would happen. Be where they need to be? Yeah. And I'm like, call them. Like, call that person. There's a couple foster families who have our previous placements. And it is because we got the placement, and I was like, I know the perfect family for this child. And love that.

unknown 1:04:42

Love that.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:42

I love that.

SPEAKER_00 1:04:43

Yeah. And that is like Eric and I is like we just, yeah, we we meet these kids, we fall in love with them, and we know we can't be there long term. We wanna, we wanna make sure we give them the best long term. And yeah, so there's a couple kids that we do have relationship. I guess we do have relationship with a couple more kids because they are in our friend's care. Right.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:03

Oh, that's awesome too. You have that such a community. Yeah. What has been the most rewarding part of this journey?

SPEAKER_00 1:05:12

Um, helping other families feel equipped to start fostering. I think there's probably over 10 families that have started fostering just like through feeling encouraged and equipped. Like they might see my video and then message me. And I'm like, oh my gosh, I'm gonna call you. What's your number? Like, let me call you and talk to you and explain things because it is such a like crazy unknown world.

SPEAKER_01 1:05:38

It's such an unknown world, but also the stigma behind foster care is not the greatest. Yeah. And so I bet it is intimidating to even even I mean, to even think about fostering kids.

SPEAKER_00 1:05:50

Yes. Because all we see are the headlines. Yeah. Okay. Another thing you asked a question earlier about what I wish the world knew. I always tell people this. And I and I, whenever I take a break, From and then I get a new placement. It I do go like fear creeps in and fear keeps people from fostering. But part of that is like you see these headlines. So then in in your brain, I feel like a lot of people are like, oh, these kids are like gonna come in my house, like find a knife, like be crazy. Right. And I think that is like, and I'm like, think about the cutest kid in your daughter's class. Like the cutest kid that you're like, I'd take you home. Like that's a lot of those kids that come. Yeah, and they just want love. They're not crazy. They're not. And like, I'm like, oh my gosh, I can't believe I would have thought that you would act like a certain way.

SPEAKER_01 1:06:34

Oh my gosh, that's so funny. So weird that people do that. Yeah. So what's been that? So the most beautiful thing, most beautiful thing about your journey has been exposing more about the foster care community, the platform, and helping other families opening their home. Good foster homes. Good foster homes. A plus foster homes. Yeah. Okay. So if you had any advice for, let's say, someone who was considering foster care, what would you say?

SPEAKER_00 1:07:04

Find a foster family, get around their family, get around their kids that are in foster care. And yeah, and that's like put your get your foot in the door. Start giving informal care. In the state of Oklahoma, there's something called informal care, which you can care for kids in foster care without any certification. If yes. And that is how Eric and I actually started, but um yes. So like my friends can watch, can keep my foster kids for me without any certification.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:32

Okay, okay, yes, yes, yes. Okay, I know what you're talking about because um I don't know if you know who she is, but Dr. Casey Schroom, she became an uh, what are they called? I'm sorry.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:41

Uh she she did respite, I bet. Not respite. Informal. Informal informal. Informal.

SPEAKER_01 1:07:46

She did informal because her friends, they had they had kids that they were um fostering. And if they needed to go do something, they had to go back into the system or something weird.

SPEAKER_00 1:07:58

Okay, so that so yeah, so so like do that. Become like like, yeah, get yourself around foster families, around foster kids, because that is going to like take fears out of it. Right. Yeah, which everyone would meet my son when we got him, and they were like, I want to foster, I want someone just like him. And I'm like, well, every single case is different. So what do foster parents need to understand before stepping into this world? It's it can be very isolating at times, and people aren't gonna understand you, and you're gonna f feel very misunderstood. And in what ways? Um A lot of people I mean, it's hard for people to understand that you could love another child, an a child that's not biologically yours as much as you do. Yeah, as much as you do.

SPEAKER_01 1:08:50

And you've have experienced that.

SPEAKER_00 1:08:53

And I think like let's be honest, when you have a child that's biologically yours, it you feel like when my baby, when my baby girl would cry, it felt like like my my nervous system was reacting. Right. And that is different. You're not gonna have that with them, but you will have the same the same amount of love. It is just different. Yeah. Um and I think that like people are gonna not gonna understand how you can do that, or yeah. I mean, it's gonna be isolating, and there are gonna be times when you're like, I can't go to that event because I don't know how my kids are gonna behave. Right. But you could do that with your biological kids too, right?

SPEAKER_01 1:09:34

Yeah, like it goes both ways. How can communities better help support foster families?

SPEAKER_00 1:09:41

I think by when somebody gets a new foster placement, by instead of like going to try to sell your clothes somewhere else or selling things on Facebook Marketplace or like give them to them, which honestly I've recently been like, okay, I just have to ask. And it has been life-changing. But it's easier for me to ask for other people. Like I know somebody that got a sibling set of four, and I put in our in our town's mom Facebook group, I'm like, hey, somebody just said yes to sibling set of four. Let's rally around this mom. And I You just have to ask. You just have to ask. But that's hard. But it's easier to ask for other people. So, like, if you had a really good friend that that would do that. Like, show up. If you, if you're a friend to a foster mom, show up to that foster mom by if they get a placement, like ask. Get on Facebook and be like, hey, I know somebody that just said yes to this. Yes. Who's gonna help me meet the needs? Love that. Love and they have, I mean. Well, I have all of that over there that you can take. Yeah, well, and it's a huge financial burden. Like, people are like, Well, you get paid by the state. Okay, yeah. Bare minimum.

SPEAKER_01 1:10:44

Oh, don't even get me started on that topic.

SPEAKER_00 1:10:46

Bare minimum. And it's a huge financial burden. And in my teenager, that was a big hesitation of saying yes long-term to my teenager was a financial burden. Everybody has met every need of his. I mean, we get an Amazon package, we get things for him constantly, and he's never had that. And it is, he feels so loved and he feels so cool. And like, yeah. I mean that's awesome. And it has taken so much of the burden off of Eric and I of Yeah. Yeah. We don't have to, we don't feel like, oh, we can we can't let this kid play a sport because then we won't be able to have this kid play a sport. And we'll know because people are helping.

SPEAKER_01 1:11:23

Yeah. I mean, it takes a village to raise a village to raise these children, and then also to raise these beautiful um children that aren't ours biologically. And I mean, thank goodness that there are people in this world such as you and Miss Amanda and her family that have opened the doors. But it can't just be all on your guys' shoulders. It needs to be on family, friends, churches, yeah, the schools. I mean, we didn't even touch on that chaotic part of fostering and get them enrolled in school and like switching all of that because I have a friend that fosters, and she's like, Natasha, you just don't understand. Like, if you aren't living in it, you are just not gonna understand it.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:10

There's yeah, that's just it. There's so many logistics. I mean, it's moving parts constantly.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:16

Okay, so we're gonna play a little fun game. This is rapid fire questions. Okay. Um, coffee or energy drink, iced coffee. Okay. Uh, quiet house or chaotic house. Oh, chaotic house. Amen. One word to describe motherhood. Chaotic. The beautiful chaos. Um, the best advice you've ever received about parenting.

SPEAKER_00 1:12:42

Oh, the best advice give choices. Love that. Give them a little bit of control, give them choices. Yes, yes. Something that always makes you laugh. Something that always makes me laugh. My gosh. Okay, you said rapid fire. I don't know. I what always makes me laugh? Probably my seven-year-old boy, he has some pretty good one-liners. That's awesome. They are so funny.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:13

They're so funny. Um, if you can say one thing about what does beautiful chaos mean to you, what would that be?

SPEAKER_00 1:13:19

Beautiful chaos means to me, of like when you're in the thick of it, looking around and being like, but how beautiful is this? Because this is exactly what I prayed for. This is exactly what I longed for. This is exactly what I wanted.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:32

Amen. Yeah. Wow. I feel like we could talk about this all day.

SPEAKER_00 1:13:38

Oh, yeah, I could talk all day.

SPEAKER_01 1:13:40

I mean, because it it's not it is not talked about. And I think that's why I did want to bring you on and give you this platform of sharing your story and sharing the ins and outs of the foster care world. And it's so sad. It's so, it's so devastating. But what a blessing that you and Eric are and what you guys are doing for these beautiful children. And I mean, what more could you ask for? Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:14:09

I it is I'm so thankful that I get to live this life because it's what I always wanted. And I'm so thankful that I married who I did, who lets me live out my passion. And yeah, I mean, I know I am doing exactly what I'm called to do. I know I'm I'm living like my life doing exactly what the Lord like has always equipped me for.

SPEAKER_01 1:14:33

Right. Well, Claire, thank you so much for sharing your story today. Thank you for having me. And your journey just reminds us that motherhood doesn't always look the way we imagined. Yeah. And but love has always found a way of building families in the most unexpected and beautiful ways. And if there's one thing we believe here at Beautiful Chaos, is that sometimes the most meaningful stories are the ones that come through on the hardest roads. And I know that this road and your journey hasn't been the easiest, but also what you are doing, you are changing lives. And I hope you know that. Well, thank you. And I know that there are days where you're just like, I don't know if I could do this anymore.

SPEAKER_00 1:15:15

Oh yes.

SPEAKER_01 1:15:16

Yes. But we see you. We hear you and we support you. If this episode touched your heart, please share it with another mom who needs to hear it. And remember, you are never alone in the chaos. And we will see you guys next time. Thanks for watching The Beautiful Chaos with Natasha. Bye guys. And remember, always eat beef. This episode is sponsored by Polo Grill. When you're craving a dining experience that feels timeless, refined, and truly unforgettable, there is only one place to go. At Polo Grill in Tulsa, every detail matters. From hand cut steaks and fresh seafood to an award-winning wine list and impeccable service, this is where special moments are made. Whether it's a date night, a celebration, or an evening just because Polo Grill delivers classic elegance with modern flavor. Polo Grill Exceptional Dining. This episode is sponsored by Grazy Girl Creative Luxury Catering and Boutique House, bringing luxury charcuterie, beautiful events, and unforgettable experiences. Friends, if you're looking for an amazing charcuterie and a beautiful place to celebrate, you have to check out Grazy Girl. Their boards are next level, perfect for birthdays, showers, bachelorette parties, girls' night, and special occasions. Their boutique house is stunning and every detail is designed to make your event feel special. They even offer gorgeous Airbnb for stay vacations and girls' weekends. So whether you're planning something big or just want to treat your people, Grazy Girl is the place. Go follow them, book them, and see it for yourself. Trust me, you'll love it. This episode is brought to you by Magnolia Soaps and Bath Co. If you've never been to Magnolia Soaps, it's more than just a store, it's an experience. Everything is clean and made without harsh chemicals so you can feel good about what you're using. They have soaps, bath bombs, body scrubs, laundry wash, candles, really everything you need for your body and your home. A lot of their products are even made right in the store, which makes it feel really personal. They also host girls' nights, birthday parties, and events where you can make your own product, which is such a fun experience. You can visit them on Cherry Street, Willin' Hills Mall, our downtown Broken Arrow, or shop online. Once you go, you'll see why everyone loves it. This episode is brought to you by Party Perfect Events. If you're planning a wedding, Party Perfect is your go-to for making your big day seamless and beautiful. From tents, tables, and chairs to linens, place settings, and a full event setup, they have everything you need to bring your vision to life. Whether you're dreaming of an outdoor ceremony or a fully styled reception, they handle all the details so you can actually relax and enjoy your day. Because your wedding should feel special, stress-free, and completely you. If you're getting ready to say I do, party perfect events has you covered.