What I Wish I Knew About Dating

Dating is hard, let's be honest, but the best part of getting older is becoming more concrete in what YOU want in a partner, versus how you think you should show up. In episode 10 of Go Get Hers, Alyse reflects on how dating (and her standards) have changed from her being in her 20's to now, and how she plans to uphold them. Alyse also gives her two cents on the Summer House drama (as a newbie) and whether or not significant others should be a part of your online brand.  

Transcript

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Why does it feel like I picked the worst day for this episode to come out? Because every time I drop the episode, then something crazy happens in the world of pop culture. And that sucks for me because then I feel like I'm a day late and a dollar short, but actually like a week late. And that kind of sucks for the program, aka the podcast. So of course, I need to rewind and talk about Summer House before we get into the episode because that has been quite a development. And mind you, like I said, I don't really watch um reality TV that much. I am new to the Summer House team. I like to watch things just to be kind of um in the know. And so I did start from season five. I asked my friends, I said, What season do I need to start from to be in the know? Like I know kind of the history, or I knew the history of like Amanda and Kyle, and that Kyle was terrible to her and she's terrified, married him, then they broke up, yada, yada. But I still like see the e-news headlines and stuff. But I didn't know about Sierra. I never knew she was on the show. I didn't know who she was. I didn't know who West was. And so I had to go back and watch it. They said start from season five. Or one of my friends was like, You have to start from the beginning. I'm like, I'm not doing all that. Um, so then I start, so she said season five is when Sierra comes in. And then she said, so now I was like, okay, I'll start from season three. So then I start tried to start from season three. It bored me to death. And then I started when Sierra came in, and season five started when like COVID was happening. So they didn't leave the house for like six weeks. So it was a little bit more different to what they usually do. And I really enjoyed it. And I'm hooked. As of today, as of recording, I am on season seven, like episode eight. And I just have a few thoughts about the situation. I actually really love that I like now that I know what I know, that I'm able to form opinions along the way and see how this came to fruition and determine whether or not it took me by surprise or not. And I'm just gonna say that the writing was on the wall. Amanda sucks. She's the least interesting person on the show, in my opinion. The only thing that made her relevant was the fact that she was dating Kyle and Kyle was mean to her. So I think people took pity on her. But at the end of the day, she doesn't respect herself. She doesn't like herself. And people who are insecure like that are always gonna choose the guy, no matter what the guy does, how the guy treats them, who the guy used to belong to. She's going to pick the man. If it's the man or the bear, she's gonna pick the man. And I'm sorry, that's just how she rolls. And I think people were a little misconstrued in her personality because she would stick up to Kyle. And I am proud of her for at least like try to set boundaries, but at the end of the day, Kyle got away with everything that he got away with because he knew she wasn't gonna do shit about it. Like she makes up fake boundaries, she says that she's gonna call off the wedding, never does. Um, and then she even said, if I were to call off the wedding, you wouldn't even understand why I was calling off the wedding. Like, I think he she wanted him to chase her a little bit, but like that was never Kyle's MO. Like, I think he loved her and cared about her, but at the end of the day, he knew she was full of bullshit. So, I mean, the main thing for me was how she treated Hannah. And mind you, I'm not a Hannah Berner fan. I never really liked her. I never really knew who she was actually until she went on Call Her Daddy. And then, well, I mean I've always known kind of their names, like Hannah and um Paige. But I knew they were on the show, but I never like took a liking to Hannah. Um, never really, like I never really liked Hannah. I've always liked Paige more, and that's okay. Like that actually has no bearing on my opinion, but actually it semi-does because my opinion is the fact that I don't like this how she treated Hannah in season five before Hannah left. Um, how she constantly made Hannah feel like she was doing something wrong, even though she was trying to like basically stick up for Amanda in a twisted, roundabout way. Like she was just sick of his shit. It was trying to bring light to the fact that like he's a terrible person. He treats you like shit, he's trying to treat me like shit, and now I'm getting crucified and I'm getting backlash for like telling the truth of how he sucks. And you're guys are you guys are siding with him, and Amanda, like, hello, you're letting him like create a crutch in our friendship because you want to marry him that bad, because again, you're always gonna choose the man. Like, I don't like that. And the thing that I've realized, and one thing that my mom especially taught me is that how someone treats other people is how they're eventually going to treat you. If they will ostracize you, turn people against you, never have your back on anything, um, and you watch them treat other people like that, that eventually is how is gonna be your downfall in that relationship. Humans are predictable, right? Like people are predictable and they can't help it. Like it's pattern recognition. And so watching how she treated Hannah when she was trying to basically keep Kyle in check and be like, stop talking to me like that, stop talking to your fiance like that. Um, the fact that she then went and deceived Sierra and didn't care about how she felt about it and was gonna pick the man regardless, just goes again, just goes to show the type of girl she is and the type of person she is. And again, and that's how insecure girls act. They get their validation from men and wanting to feel loved because I mean, there is a point in time. Like I shit on relationships sometimes and I should on men, but like there's nothing wrong with wanting to feel loved and cared for, but it's what do you have to do in order to get that is the problem that I have is that some girls just like they they have to spike themselves in order for the guy to like them. And I don't like that. That's not how I think relationships should go. And that's why so many men or so many women end up getting left in the dust when the man that treated them so badly inevitably treats on them, leaves them, etc. But like there is that hole that romantic love, only a romantic love can fail them. Again, it's normal to want that, but you can't you can't spite your friends and break your loyalty and compromise your morals to do that. And maybe clearly Amanda has no fucking laurel morals, so that's on her. But I personally, like, that's not how I roll. That's not how I expect my friends to roll. And I've actually been in a situation like that, and maybe I'll circle back to that. But where my friend betrayed me to date my ex. So that's okay. But um, another thing someone said actually on TikTok is that Amanda is lazy, and I see it. Now that someone said that, I actually really see it. She was too lazy to actually hold Kyle accountable. Like I said, she would say, Oh, I'm gonna call off the wedding, but like never really did, and would leverage that against him and try to be like, Oh, we have a contract, you have to pay me back all this money, blah, blah, blah. And then would call his phone 16,000 times. Like she demanded respect, but then never really held up the bar in order to be respected. And that's the part where girls, you gotta stay strong. You gotta stay strong, girls. Okay. And then she, so she was too lazy to leave, like, too lazy to leave, too lazy to start over, too lazy to, you know, like actually uphold said boundaries. And then she was, again, too lazy to care that she was constantly getting disrespected. And then she was too lazy to find a guy that wasn't in her immediate circle that belonged to someone else. I mean, there's so many guys out there and so many people out there that the the best you could do was your friend's ex that you know that they still cared for. Like, that's lazy when you think about it. Like that actually is a very lazy move. But again, I'm not surprised. I think the writing was on the wall. The other person that I want to talk about in that show that is a severe problem, and again, I'm on season season seven, I said, episode eight, is Danielle. Okay. I don't know where she comes in later, if she leaves, whatever. I haven't looked it up. Normally I would look it up. But Danielle is literally the worst character on the show. Um, and I can't stand her, especially after Lindsay and Carl get together. For one, Lindsay and Carl should have never dated. They were not compatible in any way, shape, or form. How is the sober guy and the partying, um, promiscuous girl? And I don't, and I'm not even trying to be like shade her for being promiscuous, but she kind of was, and that's fine. Like my favorite song by Nellie Furtado is promiscuous. So, like, I can say this without like it, I'm not trying to make that a dab, but it is a a true statement, is that she how are those two ever gonna work? This home girl likes to drink, home girl likes to get drunk, she's always been that way, and so now she's gonna date the sober guy. And I do respect that she stopped drinking for a period of time in order to um support him, as as she should, honestly, if you're in a relationship like that and he's going through an adjustment phase um and needs that type of support. So, like, good for her for doing that. But at the same time, why the fuck you think that's sustainable? That's not sustainable because that's not her, like it's a facade, and that's not something she'll be able to ever really do or carry out long term. So Danielle, insert Danielle into the situation, and she's constantly, constantly, constantly up Lindsay's ass and telling her she's a bad friend and you know, criticizing her relationship and saying, Oh, you're not being yourself. I'm trying to get you to be a better person. And although she does have um, there's some validity to that, and two things can exist at once, she also was projecting her relationship needs that she needed from her partner onto her best friend. And that's something that is common but shouldn't be normalized, you know, like she needs to take up on a ability for the fact that her boyfriend was the one that couldn't meet her needs, that didn't prioritize her, that um she never got to spend enough time with. And so she leaned heavily on her friends. And when her friend was then unavailable in in a respectable way, like I just don't want to go out to dinner with you all the time, or I can't, or sorry, in the house when she's like, I just am not gonna go out all the time, but you have other friends here, like that's you'd be disappointed. But like, I mean, she she's in a different phase of life now. So, like, that is semi okay. But to make her constantly feel bad about it, I think is weird without acknowledging what the actual true root of the problem is. Because then she criticized her. Oh, they moved in too fast, you guys are moving too fast. They've known each other for six years, they're like 37 and 36, and they moved in after a couple months or like less than a year. That's not fast at all. That's two people who know what they want from each other and know the what know what they want out of a relationship. How is that moving too fast? And also, why do you care? It is so weird to me when your friends are so engulfed and so opinionated about your relationship. That's weird to me. That to me is a red flag because why do you care? Like, let people do what they're going to do if they're happy. She also criticized her for, like, oh, they're obsessed with each other, they're always making out whatever. Okay, you and Robert are literally the most boring people I've ever fucking witnessed. So are you just jealous? Like, it just really was giving jealous to a point, is that she always kept making the point to um criticize her. And she was like, I can't say what I want to say about you and Carl. Why do you always have something to say about me and Carl? Like, I would someone literally should have clocked her and been like, Are you are you jealous that your relationship is boring and you never see your boyfriend and I see mine and we like to spend time each other with each other and I prioritize him and he prioritizes me. Then when he wants to leave, I leave. Then when I want to leave, he leaves. Your boyfriend stays up at night, you have to text him three times to come to bed. Like, is that what the problem is? You know what I mean? Like it was, it just I am if if Danielle has no haters, then I'm dead because I can't stand her. And again, and I have been there before, um, to where one of my exes like wasn't really meeting my needs in terms of like we didn't spend that much time together because he would always go to the suburbs. Okay, actually, this is my PSA. If you are not from Illinois and you move to Chicago, take this with everything that I have. And my most serious recommendation or not recommendation, these Illinois boys, Illinois boys, suburbs of Illinois boys, all they care about is going back home to the suburbs. And you will be splitting your time between the city and the suburbs, whether you like it or not. Um, and that is their priority. Their friends still live there and they like want the city, but also want the suburbs, and it's exhausting. That's just like not what I wanted at 26. And I didn't go with him, but he would go or whatever and always have something to do on the weekends or want to go to the go to the suburbs on the weekends to hang out with his friends. That's where all his friends lived. And it was exhausting. I didn't like that. So then if I would ask my friends to hang out and they couldn't, then I would take it a little bit more personally just because my boyfriend was the one that wasn't meeting my needs. Like who I actually wanted to hang out with was my boyfriend who was closest to me, that I could then project that onto was my friends. Again, common shouldn't be normalized. I had that conversation with one of my friends and told her that that's like why I got probably more upset than I would have. And we talked it out, but she also was part of the issue and we worked it out, and everything was kosher and everything was great. So grateful for her for that. And she is, I tell her all the time, and it's funny, she listens to the episodes and she's like, Are you talking about me in this? I'm like, duh. But she is like the gold standard for how conflict resolution, I think, should go. And I've said that multiple times. And I'm just really proud that she handled um the situation like that. So and that is why I always say that it is very important to know who you're hanging around because those types of people can really be your downfall. It could be your husband or it could be your friend. Those are literally two, the two things that are gonna end up taking down your empire. And that is not a good place to be, truthfully. Okay, we have an engagement announcement, though, in the social media sphere. And some of you might be like, I have no clue who you're talking about, but I'm gonna talk about her because she's actually one of my favorite influencers and TikTokers, Clara Peirce. Clara Peirce just got engaged and no one knew she was dating anyone. Mind you, she is very like, there's nothing I feel like I don't know about her. And it's not like she ever hides people, um, doesn't like show insight into her life, her projects, her packing, her vacations, her solo dates, all that jazz. But for her to pop out randomly as fuck, with just in the middle of a carousel, first off, caption, watch for rocks, four slides in, her big ass ring. I love that. I didn't even know her man existed. I remember actually when she lived in Virginia-ish area or somewhere on the East Coast, that she would talk about um that she lived with her boyfriend. Then she moved to uh Charleston, and I assumed that they broke up and that's why she ended up moving, bought a house. So I don't know if this guy is the same one, is a different guy, whoever. Uh, but the fact that again, like he didn't even no sign of him. No sign of him. And then two, she made a video about like the souvenirs she collected because she was at Carmel by the Sea. She was just like, oh, and I also got engaged. So, like, this is like my souvenir. Like, she just so effortlessly ingrained her relationship or the fact that she even got engaged so effortlessly into her content that he's just been so um de de-centered from it. It's just what I like to see. It's exactly what the girls want to see. How we feel like we know so much about her, but also when you think about it, so little. Like we don't know how close she is with her family. We don't know anything about her siblings, really, besides like maybe from her older videos. I remember her saying that she was gonna start being a little bit more strict about her family life because they didn't sign up for this type of fame and she respects their privacy. And she really only shows people who are like influencers that she hangs out with. But and I respect her for that. But like there is something so powerful about having a brand that your audience feels connected to that has nothing to do with actually knowing the intricate details about your life. And that is how elusive I, how elusive I intend to be. And that's not to say I've never posted the boyfriend on social media before. I definitely have. If you have followed me on TikTok before or listen or whatever, I'm nobody on TikTok, but just to say, um, because I found a girls who collab, and when I got back with my ex-boyfriend, I was calling him Mr. Collab online. And I thought that was like a cute little thing. I even told him I was like, you should be in my content more. Because I did think to a degree, let me give a caveat that this was pre-30-year-old Elise. Okay. So who I was at 29 is not who I am at 31. And your brain forms a little bit more at 30, is what I'm just gonna say. But I was like, you should be in my content more, only because he has a really good voice. So I thought, like, oh, like I didn't even want to really want him to be. I just want his voice to be in it. Like I thought that would be like fun and cheeky, whatever. But actually, like, no one gives a fuck. And I also think too about when I first started TikTok, because sometimes I do regret not getting in on the 2020 action, and I probably would have way more followers by now. But I remember then too, I thought about making my um like niche a stay-at-home girlfriend because I worked from home and I did like half-lived with him and we were about to move in together. So that I thought that would be like fun and cheeky and like a little thing. But I was then I thought about okay, well, we broke up though, I would have gotten crucified online. And there's actually nothing worse to me than the thought of having to get online and tell everyone that I am no longer engaged, dating someone, um, married, like that to me would be because it's like a proving a hater's wrong thing. Like, my pride does get in the way of that, and there are people that are always gonna like prey on your downfall. So that is what I was always afraid of. But that's also too, again, why I think Clara Purses was so freaking cool that regardless if they broke up or not, she wasn't gonna speak on it, she wasn't gonna say anything about it. And I'm sure now she's still not even gonna integrate him into her content. Um, the wedding planning though was gonna be really cool. So I don't know. She's she's really cool though. If you don't follow her and you want someone like cool to follow or someone new to follow, she does a lot of like resets. She does like I um clean my apartment or clean my house in the time that it takes to wash my sheets every Sunday. And she does like a Sunday reset situation. I also really like her style and like her recipes. Um, but she's also too like a I don't even know how old she is, 20-something, her late 20s now. Um, and it's just cool just to see like the perspective of other people. I've never been to Charleston, so I also think it's cool to watch like she drives around in a golf cart. Like different lifestyles really interest me. And someone lives in a city, so I try to um diversify the people that I follow. So yeah, I think she would be a really good follower. And that's just like again, a really cool thing that she just like she's like, I'm just gonna leave this here. If you see it, you see it. If you don't, you don't. It's no bearing on me or my my brand. And it was just so nonchalant, and I love a nonchalant queen because that's how I feel like I'm going to be moving forward. Like you will never see a man in my shit ever again. I have so many, I actually have two Instagrams. So I have one from when, like the one I started in high school, and I have one that's like my influencer one. And all my boyfriends have been archived off my old one, of course, as they should be. Um, and I just don't think I'll ever like post a guy again on my new one. Like maybe my wedding pictures, that's something different. But even so, if I can like keep his face out of it, that would be great. Because also, too, me and my friends have been talking about like at least what's your type, or one of my friends that I recently met, like in the past like couple months, or started hanging out with in hanging out with in the past couple months, asked me what my type was. And I was like, and she and I was like, yeah, I just I like a I do like a chalant, nonchalant guy, but also too, like a guy that doesn't have social media is the guy for me. I don't really like men that are on their phones. Like, I guess my ex had TikTok, which was fine. Um, because he was like on there for recipes and like politics and shit like that. But you shouldn't be posting photo dumps. Like, I don't want you like posting your own videos unless it's like of me. I even tried to make him an Instagram that like Kristen Cavalleri and Jay Cutler when they were married. His Instagram name was if Jay had an insta. Um, and Kristen Cavalleri was the one that was operating it. And so I have like jokingly made his like, oh, if Blank had an Insta, but like it was his last name. And I never posted on it. But I was like, if it would be pictures, it would just be pictures of like traveling, his dog and me. Like that would be it. Um but yeah, my type would not have an insta, wouldn't be online. So I don't even know if I would want to show them when the time comes. Like that's something that I think about quite often is do I want like an influencer boyfriend? No. Like, is that what I'm looking for at the moment? No. Cause I actually do want to get more back into like my dating era. Like, I would love to have like a fun dating summer. I think I am picky because I know exactly what I want out of a partner and what I need from a partner now, that it feels less fun to date. But I think I need to remind myself that it can't still be like cheeky and fun. And the there's power in knowing what you want out of your relationships and what you want out of your spouse or your future spouse. And that it's up to me now, that I'm at the age where like I know it's up to me. It's not up to them. I think as a woman and being younger, we often fall into thinking, like, oh, I want to be this for this guy. And I, what if he likes me when you go on the date? But now that I'm 31, it's like, no, what qualities does he have that I think would make him a good husband and a good father and someone that I want to spend the rest of my life with? Right. And the reason why I feel like I can talk about my exes so freely online and refer to them online is that I have no animosity towards them. At all. Like I know that every ex of mine has served a reason or a season. Um, I think that people do come into your life for a reason, a season, or forever. And I can really easily identify all the reasons why my exes have come into my life or the purpose that they served, or that I was grateful to have them for the meantime and what they taught me. And that's definitely maturity. That's definitely mature for me. And that's the beauty of dating so many different guys, and not even different guys, but like different types of guys, is that now I'm so firm. And again, like they've all come to my life for a different reason or different season. Like the guy that I quarantined with and that I dated in quarantine, like quarantine was fun because of him. You know, like he was so type A. He made sure we had an activity to do every day, every morning. Like he would make me breakfast, he would make me coffee. Um, you know, at noon, he would be like, This is what we're doing all day. Like, this is our schedule for the evening. This is when I'm cooking. Like, I said this before. I think it came to a point where like I was like, I didn't want to get carry out because you're cooking so good, because he was such a good cook. Um, and I appreciate him for that. I had one boyfriend that like I fell out with like a couple friends, and I started dating him like shortly after that. I think he made my fall a little bit better and that I felt less um like lonely. Like, honestly, like I think that it allowed me to heal from that friendship breakup and be a little bit distracted. So it did come in at a great time. Like, mind you, we didn't last. But then after that, like after we broke up, I started making other friends and prioritizing my other friendships. And then I met like two other girl, two other guys. The pandemic happened, shut down, and I got into another relationship. So it did like it, it was this weird in between that again, like I appreciate him. Do I would I ever like get back with him or whatever? No, but like I appreciate him for the meantime and the purpose that he served. My high school boyfriend really laid the groundwork for who um how I want to be treated and who I was. Like, I just remember he, I mean, he was very words of affirmation-ish. He definitely was like, Don't let anyone tell you you're not cool, you're not beautiful, blah, blah, blah. Like he was so like, mind you, I had to train him. He didn't come like this. I had to cuss him out a couple times for him to get to where he was. But um, he was, he ended up like, again, laying the groundwork to where I feel like I knew what I wanted. Like, all my boyfriends have treated me well. Ex-boyfriends have treated me well. Um, they just like ended up being not who I wanted to spend the rest of my life with. And the thing about me, actually, this is where one of my friends tells me, she's like, Elise, you are like low-key type B and just like chalant about things, or just like you detached from things. She's like, This is because I'm just like, eh, whatever. Like, if it doesn't, if I can't think, I'm at the point now where I'm like, if I can't think, so I can't do anything about it, like I'm not gonna dwell on it because I used to spiral about shit. I'm not gonna do that anymore. I just like don't have the bandwidth and the energy. But I've actually broken up with maybe one person, two people. Like, I men leave me actually because I feel bad for leaving them. I don't think I would be that way now, but I did used to be that way. It's so obvious when I'm on a um interested. I'm I'm very obvious about it. My facial expressions tell everything you need to know about me, or where my emotions on my face, also to like my energy. I I'm really good at ret retracting my energy and making people feel like I don't see them. And I I think that's a good thing and a bad thing. Um, but they're also like there always comes a time in the relationship where I like withdraw my energy, they see it and they don't like how that feels. And so they break up with me. And the partially too where the relaxedness comes from is that I just always feel like I just I know they're not for me. And I feel bad for being just like, you're not it. Like I just feel like I have a reason or they need to do something or for me to break up with them, or how I this is how I used to feel. Um, I felt like they always had to do for me something for me to break up with them, and so I never would be able to do it. So I would just like naturally let the thing run its course, and then they would just be like, You're they would always make up something, but like they knew just like I wasn't that interested in them. But yeah, but like my most recent ex though is the one that really helped me solidify what I want in a relationship and what I want from a future partner. And it was actually to my cousin that also helped me realize this while I was dating him or while we were going through like a rift, um, and whether or not like we just kept fighting and stuff like that. And it was one of those things where she was like, he was really good at providing financially um and experiences and stuff like that. And I'm not saying I didn't appreciate that, but it just wasn't my language, it's not what clicked to me. Um, as I mentioned, my brother passed away when I was younger, and I think naturally like my parents checked out emotionally. And I don't blame them for that. I think that's a very normal thing to happen. Losing a child is probably one of the worst things to ever feel and have to go through. Um, and so I though saw them hurting emotionally, so I never wanted to be an additional emotional, I never wanted to be an extra burden on them emotionally. So I like internalized all my feelings and had to like I was okay. And um my dad always like he worked full-time. My mom was a stay-at-home mom. And so my dad, I never wanted for anything. I got a car when I was 16, I got a moped in college, I got like I lived in a good door. Like I went to, you know, my parents part paid for part of my college. Like I've had a very privileged life and I very much love and appreciate my parents. Like, I think my parents are literally the best parents you could ever freaking have. And because they provide while also let letting their kids learn. So, like providing doesn't work on me. I don't see value in that because I've had that. I see value in how you show up for me emotionally. So, like how dependable you are, how you stick to your word, you never let me down. Like those things to me are more important than what I value more in a partner in terms of longevity versus like just paying for stuff and showing up and putting your card down. Like, I have a full-time job. I make my own money. Um, I live by myself. But what I don't have is someone that I can lean on. And that's what's the most important to me. And so I can that can help to pick up those, like that hole that I have from having to be like emotionally dependent on myself and or that I want an emotional safe space in someone else. And he was more of a like masculine, he came from more of a family that didn't talk about their feelings, internalize their feelings. And so I just think he couldn't show up for me in that way and didn't know how. Like he his love language was giving, and I mean, he he gave love how he saw his parents give love. And you know, he also wasn't interested in in listening to me and what I wanted out of a relationship either. Like that was, I think, the ultimate downfall is that like you can't, like, I give you the playbook and you just like don't listen to it. And that's also another problem. Um, is I tell you how to love me and you just like refuse to, is what it feels like to a degree now. Like it we've been together for some years, and now it feels like it's a refusal. It's not that you don't know, like, knowledge is power, you know, and you just don't care enough or don't like can't conceptualize it enough to actually like put action to it. Um, and he did actually try to gaslight me into saying that, like, oh, like you expect me to be perfect because you said your dad is perfect. And mind you, I never said my dad was perfect. I said my dad has never disappointed me. And as a girl, to say that about her father, her black father, that is a powerful thing. Okay. That is a very, very, very, very powerful thing to say. And I would be very impressed. And I would use it as a challenge. If I was a man, I would use it as a challenge, be like, I hope my daughter says that about me someday. I want to try to gaslight my girlfriend into thinking that there's something wrong with her. I digress. Anyways, um, but yeah, my cousin was the one that was like, you know, your dad is the poster for the men in our family. So I can see why that troubles you, that you can't seem to um find the power in him providing financially because your dad is just fills in so many other holes as well. And I was like, yeah, that's so, that's so true. And that is how I came to my set of standards. I actually posted on my close friends the other day that I was talking to my mom on the phone and we were on FaceTime, and my dad was in the house, and we usually get like those cotton rounds from Costco, and I needed some, and my parents have a Costco account, and I just like log in, order the shit, and like to my apartment. And my dad, within two minutes, like I just said I needed to order some or whatever. He had already forwarded me my um the confirmation that he had ordered them already just from overhearing it. No one asked him to do that. But like that is the type of proactiveness I need from a man, and that is why I will never settle. And if any guy does less than that, it ain't gonna shake it in gonna work for me long term because we have kids, we get married, we have a house, have a dog, have all these other things. Like, this is the easiest time right now. I feel like this is the easiest time that I'll ever have in my life and the most stress-free. That if you can't show up for me when I'm single and we have nothing else going on, how are you gonna show up for me when my parents pass away, when your parents pass away, when I'm pregnant, when I give birth, and I'm postpartum, my hormones are all over the place, when we try for another baby, when we have a house, when we have like so much more responsibilities. And I think that's the one thing, too, that women don't take into account. Marriage engagement is not gonna make your relationship any better. That's not gonna fix it. Actually, if anything, people, it's gonna get worse. Yeah, some men do grow up, but like they need to grow up before you enter that engagement phase. Like, as much as we try to say, or men be like, are you wife material? Are you husband material? Can you fucking build anything? Am I gonna have to call someone else to pick up, like to order the or to put together the crib? Like wifey materials, easy to pick up. It's actually easy to pick up a fucking cookbook and cook. Like if that's what you think a wife is. That's easy. You being sound, a leader, a decision maker, actually takes a lot of skill and a lot of growth and a lot of maturity. So yeah, I'm looking at you to see what you can do, not the vice versa. Okay. That's how it's gonna be. And that is the biggest lesson that I have that I've learned and what I wish I knew when I was dating in my 20s. Because again, I think honestly, I just was dating like my mom used to always be like, like the one that's liking you. And maybe she meant that as a joke, maybe she meant that literally, but I think subconsciously I was actually going by that. Like I dated guys that like if you saw it like a startup, if I lined up all my exes, you'd be like, very interesting. Very interesting. Um, because yeah, like if they made a move and they were nice and they like were cool to a degree, like who am I to really say, say no? And that's not a good way to think. But that was, I mean, but I think that's realistic for women in their 20s when they're trying to still figure out like what they want from a partner. And I indeed was, but now that I'm in my 30s, it's way more strict, way more strict over here. And I'm happy that I am so sound in my morals and that I haven't gone through my first divorce yet, because I can actually assure you, if I would have married any of my exes, I would be divorced by now. And that'll be fine. But like I would just rather not do that and get it right the first time. Um, so now though, like as I'm approaching my dating era and getting back into my dating era, um, these are my my rules and what I am the knowledge that I'm taking from my 20s and my early, I'm still my early 30s, but like taking from my 20s and my rules for dating. So the thing is, you're dating them, so the choice is yours. Women take on the brunt of the relationship, the marriage, the motherhood. Because if it was the other way around, if men to actually took on the brunt of relationships or marriage, then men wouldn't be getting married. It wouldn't be idolized, it wouldn't be romanticized about getting married because that's not how the patriarchy works. Um, you're trying to find traits in them that can help you or that elevate you and what you want in life and your goals, that they're supportive. I mean, maybe he does have money, he can help you like start up that business, girl. I think that's a great fucking option, to be honest. He loves taking care of the kids. Like maybe you have a more demanding job and he's okay with cooking and being at home. And that's great. If that's conducive for your lifestyle and that makes your life easier. Like, is he dependable? Is he kind? Is he considerate? Is he steady? Is he sound-minded? Is he, you know, are you more emotional and he's more logical? And so like you like that balance and he like lets you see things um in a different light. Like that's also important. Like you need to identify and make a list of what you want this guy to have and what you want them to be bringing to your table, not what you can bring to theirs. Because as a woman, you're cool, you're great, you're perfect, you're lovely, you have a lot to give. But I think the thing that men don't sometimes don't understand is that women do more when they're taken care of mentally. If our mind isn't sound, then like I'm not gonna want to reciprocate that to you because this woman's energy is priceless. Never pay for the first date. Never offer to pay for the first date, never offer to split the check. Don't do the ruffling in your bag type shit. You can if that is how you want to set the precedent of the relationship. I personally don't because you're here to impress me. The least you could do is pay for my meal and for my drink. When the bill comes, you sit there and you say, you smile, you say, Thank you so much for dinner, and you're grateful. And that's about it. I don't know how people, why people are trying to normalize, oh, you should be polite. Me saying thank you is polite. When is offering polite? And this is you trying to court me. Like, I think people forget the art of courting and the fact that men should be trying to court you. And maybe I'm old-fashioned that way, and I am. Like, I do want to be courted by a man coffee dates. No, because for one, I have to have coffee within like the first 40 minutes that I wake up and I do eat first, but I do need to have coffee like right away, so not to have a two coffee day. And then two, like, you can't spend that's eight dollars, you can't spend 15 I mean on a drink. You know, like that's just not that's just not me. And that's my my concrete rule for for dating. Um, they also too, okay. If you're going to date at 8 o'clock or 7 o'clock, they need to text you by 11 or 12. 12 is at the latest. They need to confirm that day. If you haven't heard from them past 11 or 12, you ain't going. I'm not going, at least, because that's a respect thing. Like you should be confirming in the in the morning. Like the first thing you do when you wake up should be to confirm. Or the night before. But the day of, honestly, is more um is better. Because too, I mean, the night before, like I also with context, the night before, if you work going to the office, like knowing the night before, oh, do I need a body shower, full shape, you know, that's consideration. So they should be confirming the night before, so you're ready, versus like the morning of after you already go to work and come home. And if it's like a quick turnaround, you know what I mean? But either or, I think is important. Um, and then two, like identify early what you want from them. And I will say, no man's gonna be perfect. Like, there are some things you can teach a man to do. You can teach a man to dress, you can teach a man um how to interior design, but you can't teach a man how to be considerate and thoughtful and like have core good values. And so, like, if they blatantly lack that, they're not the person for you. Like, don't force it. Stay firm in what you want and and who you want. That is my kind of overview, too, of like rules for dating. And then just like be yourself. Like, I am weird. I get weird after a while. Um, or my weirdness starts showing. So have the guy that's like okay with that, that does like have their own thing going on, that is um considerate. Like I said, can I mean consideration is my number one trait. Considerate, considerate, loyal honesty, support, uh, and in support and not just actions. And I mean, and not just words, also in actions. Like, if I have something big coming up, I would like flowers, you know. If something, um, if I accomplish something, I'm really happy about something, flowers. Like flowers anytime is acceptable for me. I love flowers and you know, knowing what's important to me. I think as I've gotten older, my love language has changed from just like physical touch and quality time to actually like words of affirmations and gifts. Like that's what I've identified. Cause I think maybe like quality time and and physical touch is like the bare minimum, um, kinda. But it's evolved. And I think it's okay to like check in with yourself about being like, has my have my priorities change priorities changed? Have my what I want in a relationship change. Knowing that you're still staying true to your morals and what you want is really important. And again, it's your pick. Women at the end of the day, we're taking on the bront. We're the one that if you take care of kids and you work or you have a side hustle, or you have you have more than one kid, like you are taking on the mental load and you have are adding so much more to the relationship. Because I did see one thing that said, at the end of the day, that man that's like, I work to provide for my family, he was working anyways. He was working anyways, right? So don't let them gaslight you into thinking that that's a great, the great contribution. If he's not doing anything else to help elevate your life in an emotional or um in any other significant way. So actually editing this back, I realized that I said words of affirmation and um gifts was my are my love languages, and that's not true. It is acts of service and gifts. And so if any possible suitors are listening, I wanted to make sure that I clear that up. Because honestly, if I was a guy and I found out the girl that I liked had a podcast, I would be tuning in every week to like get to 411 and give me a leg up to have a better chance. You know what I mean? But yeah, honestly, that's been my most requested topic to talk about is dating. And I just like didn't know how it would maybe fit because again, I mean, this is a podcast for the girls, but dating is a part of girlhood, you know? It is a part of um growing up and especially figuring out who you want to spend the rest of your life with. So it's actually a really important conversation. So I also felt right for like the 10th episode. Um, because 10 is a big number, you know. So, but thank you guys again for listening. My name is Elise, and I will see you guys next week. Bye.