Notes from 31

This week on Go Get Hers, Alyse is sharing Notes From 31 — a collection of lessons, realizations, hot takes, and truths she’s picked up over 31 years of life. From friendships and dating to ambition, confidence, burnout, body image, and learning to trust yourself, this episode is part life recap, part big sister advice. 

Transcript

Speaker 0:06

Hi guys, welcome back to another episode of Go Get Hers. I hope you had a great Memorial Day weekend. I can't believe Memorial Day weekend is here. Like the never-ending doom that felt like the winter. I never thought this day would come. Like, has anyone looked at the weather this week? Because I have been stalking it for like my own personal knowledge, but also I'm just like thoroughly impressed because I recently bought um some herbs from my balcony. And usually I like can buy them in like April, but I do according to the weather. Like if it's consistent enough, because if it gets too cold at night, like they're not gonna survive. So, anyways, I bought them and then had to bring them inside for like three nights, and I feel like now they're outside to stay. So that's why I've been sucking the weather. You know, time for me feels like it's been moving so fast and so slow at the same time. And the fast part really, really bothers me and really, really makes me nervous. So I guess I can believe that we're already here, but again, it just it just feels crazy. I actually will say something though. There's not gonna be another episode next week because I'm going to Sedona on Friday. And I know, I know, I know. I I could make time to record another episode, and I am breaking my number one cardinal rule, which is if you stay ready, you don't have to get ready. However, I am not superwoman. Sometimes I have to acknowledge when I'm a little stressed out and I'm burning both ends of the candle, as my mother would say. And that is indeed how I feel recording this right now and trying to get all my ducks in a row for my full-time job and you know, do all these other things. So unfortunately, I will be coming back next Monday night. And so I won't have time to record one, and I won't have time to record one before I leave. So that's just a little FYI. I feel like this and like my birthday, I think falls on a Monday. Yeah, there won't be one then either. So, anyways, but speaking of my birthday, actually, because Memorial Day weekend has come and gone and we're itching towards August. Like now I just feel like my birthday is coming. And then after my birthday goes, then it's like Christmas. Like, that's how I, those are my parameters for the year. And so, you know, I've been thinking, like, I am gonna be 32 years old, and I have found myself lately telling people that I'm 32 already, which is weird for me. Like, usually I'm like, look, don't rush me, don't age me, especially when I was in my 20s, when people would be like, at least you're like, you're basically 30. I'm like, no, don't rush me, bro. I'm still 28, still 29. I'm soaking in every single last minute of 29, especially because I was literally on the brink of like a psychotic break before I turned 30. Like, literally, the guy I was dating and my parents, I told them July 1st, I was like, or July 3rd, I was like, look, I need 45 days for you to not piss me off. And by that I mean like my birthday's in 30 days, so I need 30 days for you not to piss me off. And then I need 15 days to get acclimated to the fact that I'm 30. Like I am this close to losing my mind and I'm just forewarning you that I need everyone to be on their best behavior. Like I'm very fragile at this moment, so I'm freaking out. And then the day that I turned 30, I was like, girl, what? Like it felt like a something had gotten lifted off my sh off of my shoulders. I just felt so much more calm and at peace and honestly the best day of my life. Um, and ever since then, I feel like I've just been rocking and rolling. Um, but with that being said, though, I feel like I've been thinking about the things that I've learned in my 20s and 30s, and I feel like I touched on them here, here and there, but I actually like compiled a list of 31 things that I or lessons I've learned um in my 31 years of living. And we might not necessarily go through all 31 things, but I just want to give a little high level of things that I've learned because I was also having this conversation this weekend with my friends, and we were sitting next to this girl at the bar, and she's 27 or 28. And I was telling them, I'm like, honestly, your later 20s are more are harder and more confusing than I think any other age. And it's because you you think you're old, you think you should be doing all these things, right? Society, I feel like, is more like, you know, especially if you're like married or if you've like been like in a um a relationship for a long time, like a long-term relationship, you you start to kind of spiral because again, you think you're old, 30 is looming, and what you don't know, you don't know what you don't know. You don't know that 30 is going to be a really free time. You're just looking at timelines. And the thing about women and timelines is that we love a timeline. As girls, we love a we love a little cute little timeline. But guess what? Timelines will humble you. And that is literally number seven on my list of 31 things that I've learned is that timelines will humble you, especially, I mean, post-COVID. Like, how could we have anticipated there was gonna be a pandemic and we were gonna be in the house for two, for two years? What felt like? Well, like two weeks extended, two years to was like kind of like officially over, and we were still like getting over the remnants of said time period. We didn't know that was gonna be like a dysfunctional situation. Imagine people that were trying to get married at that time or had to have COVID weddings, or you know, I think about all the time of people that have died. I mean, I I'm actually not gonna go go all the way down there, but like I said, it's it's a hard lesson to learn. And I feel like these are some of the things that I wish I would have known in my later 20s as I was navigating it, that I wish someone would have told me. Because I think the best thing that I've ever been told was A, when you turn 30, you stop caring, and B, you can't control everything is is been my my my my awakening. Like my sadden return was was that that you can't control everything, and actually your control only goes so far. And my first thing on the list, though, of things that I've learned in my 31 years of learning or living is there's freedom and being your own person. When you wake up and you are you and you dress how you want to dress, you live where you want to live, you work out when you want to work out, you post what you want to post, you don't post what you don't want to post. You're not on social media on this, you're not on that. When you just are are only worried about yourself and who you are as a person and being your own person and not what everyone else wants you to be, there is such a freedom in that. And I wish someone would have told me that sooner, or just like sent friendly reminders to me. I've talked about this kind of when I was thinking about moving back to Michigan, I was like, I feel like I'm in this middle ground of doing what I think I should be doing and what I actually want to be doing. What I actually want to be doing is still living in Chicago. But what I think I should be doing is that I should have something concrete. Like I would love to have a house, I would love to have a car, I would love to have all these things, but I actually don't want to own a house by myself. I actually want to do that with a partner, and that's okay to say and to want because it's not easy. Like I'm thriving in my apartment that the blind falls down and some man comes and hangs it back up for me, or you know, my windows sometimes leak in the winter and they come like take them up. Like there's freedom in that. And I don't want to be the owner of that, of doing all those things just to say that I have it, because who who am I trying to impress? You know, myself. And I think that's where that first one is coming from. Like, just do what you want to do. There's freedom in being your own person. And then my second biggest one that I say all the time, that I feel like I learned when I was like 29, was my awakening was that two things can exist at once. It's okay to live in the gray, it's okay to have two different opinions that contradict themselves. Oxymorons exist for a thing, for a reason, I mean, and they can exist in what your beliefs are. You can think this and think that. There is nuance in everything, especially in this day and age. It's okay to live there. You don't have to be all or nothing. Someone's opinion doesn't have to be all or nothing. Um, if someone tells you how they feel and they say but and they start to elaborate, explain themselves, that's not a bad thing. That is an okay thing. And also going with that, or the first one, self-expression is important. How you dress is self-expression. The music you listen to is self-expression, your hobbies are self-expression, um, your interests are self-expression. How you post on Instagram is is is your own is self-expression. So having that outlet and expressing yourself how you want to express yourself is important. Um, your how you decorate your apartment is self-expression. Lean into you and your identity. Show up for who shows up for you. That one you'll start to you'll start to find is very, very important, especially when you get older. People start getting married, having kids, moving away. Um, you start a business, you don't, you post on social media, you do X, Y, and Z, you you do something that's kind of off that's not the status quo. Or you're going through a life change. You break up with that person that everyone loved or thought that they you should marry. You decide to break up with that long-term partner in your late 20s, and everyone's looking at you like, what are you gonna do? Who who else are you gonna marry? If you find yourself struggling with people who aren't showing up for you when you need it, you need to let those people go. And really, really lean into the people who show up for you consistently and support you and make you feel seen, make you feel important as a person, as a friend, as a sister, as a daughter, as a what have you, those are people you should be born into. Also, though, with that, meet people where they're at. Also, your 100% is not everyone else's. I think those three things tie into each other because your 100% is not everyone else's 100%. And meeting someone where they're at kind of goes into that. So if someone can only allocate 60% of themselves to you, meet them at 60. Or if you know you give 100% and you feel like I have to get that in return, I mean, a conversation could be had for you to discuss why that is or to set a boundary of that. But also, too, I think friendship is acknowledging or relationships in general, too, are acknowledging that people have different bandwidths than you do. And if you need someone to be 100% because you're always 100%, then that's again a conversation you might need to have and changes need to be made. But if they can't do that, you can't really fault them for that. If they're self-aware enough to acknowledge that, sometimes something's something's gotta give because you're again, you're 100% is not everyone else's 100%. How someone's able to show up for you, whether they're going through something or not, doesn't excuse them being like a bad friend, being dismissive, making you feel less than, but everyone's, you know, caliber is different. It's kind of like what I found out or I realized via social media, honestly, is that it's not 50-50, it's a hundred to a hundred. So, like if in a relationship, if you are giving 99 and your partner can only give 1% today, sometimes you're gonna give and take. It's not always going to be 50-50, sometimes it's gonna be 60-40. Sometimes it's going to be 70-30. It depends on what stage of life you're in. And I think that can go for relationships and friendships. And that's something you might have to navigate. But when you get to the other side of it, I think that's a very, very cool lesson to learn. I've already said timelines will humble you. And that show is the truth. Let me tell you what you think you're gonna have or think you're gonna do or think you're gonna be. I mean, in this day and age, I mean, I think we all know that that's kind of a farce. And and sometimes, sometimes it comes to fruition, sometimes it doesn't. Don't panic if it doesn't. Stability is everything. Slow living is everything. Being boring sometimes is everything. You don't always have to be doing something. You don't always have to be plant, have plans. You don't always have to have a vacation booked. It's nice to have something to look forward to, but you're not failing if that's not the case. Because if you're stable, if you're living day to day, and sometimes it feels like Groundhog's Day, which you're reliving the same day over and over again, that means you're stable. That means that your um nervous system is regulated. That means that you are doing everything you should be doing. And if someone threatens that stability in any type of way, kick them to the curves. Your stability is your peace. Those two go hand in hand. That's priceless, honestly. Sometimes a job is just that, a job. You don't have to save the world. Most of us aren't going to save the world, actually. Sometimes a job is just a job. Sometimes a job is just a means of living, and sometimes you might have to deal with that. Sometimes it might not be the thing you're the most passionate about, and sometimes the thing you're the most passionate about won't be the most highest paying thing. And sometimes you have to make that sacrifice in which one is more important to you. But look at jobs as being just a placeholder to your next point in life, whether that's building a portfolio, whether that's just to make ends meet, whether it's to it's a stepping stone. Sometimes a job, again, is just that a job. Iri said there are so many things you can control. So trying to control everything is kind of useless and pointless, which is true, because there are only so many things you can control. Control what you can control, if that is how you need to stay mentally sound, I guess. But you can't control everything. And that's just sometimes a hard pill to swallow, especially for someone that's so type A like I am. Pattern recognition will save you a lot of time. It sure will. The thing I like about myself the most is that I have a high level of pattern recognition. I don't need to fuck around and find out for me to like have an opinion on something. I don't have to see whether or not there's a risk or reward in something. I can automatically identify whether it's a risk or it's a reward just based on what I already know. What I already know about someone, what I already know about historical events, what I already know about myself, whether whatever I know about literally anything. Knowledge is power in this case. Pattern recognition will save you a lot of time. If that guy you've been dating does the same thing over and over again and you're expecting different results, that's the definition of insanity. Pattern recognition and knowing that, like if nothing's gonna change, will save you a lot of time. Knowing that friend that is always canceling plans or whatever is going to cancel again. It's gonna disappoint you again. Pattern recognition is that they are unreliable, that will save you a lot of time. Sometimes it feels like a predict the future type thing. So just like take stock of what you know to be true and situations that have made you feel some type of way. And that's how you start to build pattern recognition, I think. Dating builds character and provides clarity. Ain't that the truth? I think the best thing I ever did, or the one thing I have said about the reason why I don't hate any of my exes is because they have all taught me something and got me to where I am today. I know exactly what I want for my partner. I know exactly what I need for my partner. If it wasn't for dating a whole bunch of different guys, look different, grew up from different places, different ages, different points in my life, uh, different careers. All in all, just totally different people. I wouldn't be able to sit here and know exactly what I want and what what works and what doesn't work for me. Does that make dating in my 30s a little bit harder? Yeah, because like I don't want to waste someone else's time and I don't want them to waste my time if I'm not like truly, truly, truly interested. But it is like, you know what you know, who you marry is important, who you have kids with, to me, especially, is important. And sometimes, you know, people fool you and trick you, but I think to a degree, you kind of know who who you're marrying. Like I said, to a degree, and that's where pattern recognition comes in, and that's where dating comes in. That's which is why, again, dating should be fun, dating should be exploratory, dating should be like kind of like a numbers game because in the end, you'll know what works for you and what doesn't, and it provides you clarity. It's okay to not know. Very true. It's okay to not know. I like to think I have all the answers. I actually don't. So, and that's cool to say. I mean, I am wielding this mic as a means of giving information, you know, like I take this job, this role, seriously. And sometimes it's okay not to know. Sometimes it's okay to not know all the answers. I don't know all the answers. I live every life, every day, day by day, because I truly don't know. Anything can happen. I'm okay with saying I don't know. Even at work, I'm okay with saying I don't know if I don't know the answer. I'm not sure. I'll find out, I'll let you know. And then you don't know until you know. Sometimes I've been in scenarios where I'm like, I don't know what the right choice is. And then something happens and the right choice gets made for me. I don't even really need to do anything. Like, I can just sit back, relax, I can dwell in the fact that I don't know. I can tell myself, like, I actually not sure right now. There are a couple things I need to calculate and get together and find out. Some things work out. Whether you, whether you pray, you manifest, whatever, you don't know until you know, right? You don't know until it comes into fruition. You don't know until you see it with your own two eyes. It's kind of how I feel about the Midwest weather. It's not raining until I see with my two eyes it's fucking raining. Okay. That's how I also said the other night when I went out. I'm not paying until my card actually goes down. I never know when I'm gonna get free. I never know when I'm gonna be able to finesse. And ain't that the truth? Things will happen to you, and things will happen for you. And the things that happen to you are not your fault. Unfortunately, things will happen to you, and it's not your fault. And sometimes there's nothing you can do, and that feels like an out of world experience, but you can only do with that what you can do with that, unfortunately. And things will happen for you, things will move for you, things will manifest for you, things will come to fruition for you, things will align for you. I truly do believe that. It's important to focus on the things that happen to you for you, not the things that happen to you. Doing your best is really all that's asked of you. My mom says that to me all the time. She's like, You every day you wake up, you do your best. Or I actually, you know what? I say that to her. She was like, You do more than your best, Alyse. I'm like, I don't think so. But that's just me being self-deprecating sometimes. But but doing your best really is all that's asked of you. Like, if you ask anyone, you know, when you take a test way back when you were in grade school, what do they say? Just do your best, try your best, use your brain, mark down the answer, do your best. And that's really all it's asked of you in life. Do your best to be a good person, do your best to do a good job at work, do your best to be a good friend, a good partner, a good daughter, a good wife, significant other, what have you. Just do your best. You're doing your best. Do your best to balance all the things to drink enough water, take your vitamins, hang out with your friends, eat clean, work out, go out enough. Like just just just do your best. We're we're all trying. Trust your instincts. I have said I'm a little woo-woo. I have recently also predicted someone else's pregnancy. Okay, that's all I gotta say. So that being said, trust, trust your instincts. I do think I'm a little woo-woo. As I've said, I can predict pregnancy. Sometimes I'll say things and then I'll they manifest and come to fruition right away. Sometimes they're delayed. I like to say that I'm never wrong. Honestly. It might come to fruition later than I think it's going to, but I'm I'm typically always right. So trust your instincts. When something's telling you that it's wrong, trust that your body's telling you that it's wrong for a reason. If something feels off, notice that it feels off. You might not have the language for it, but you soon will. You have a gut for a reason, and your gut is going to tell you whether how to navigate situations. So listen to it. You're your own worst critic and enemy. No one hates you more than you probably hate yourself. That sounds crazy to say, but it's true. No one is picking you apart like you think they are. No one thinks you're a loser. No one's mad at you. No one thinks that you did something wrong just because you got a little drunk that one time. You're your own worst critic and your own worst enemy. You need to change that mindset or try to change that mindset. You know, do your best. But your own worst critic. No one else thinks of you as critical as you think of yourself. So be kinder to yourself and just stop being so hard on yourself. Your morals and ethics matter. I think this is the number one thing that I've have um come to terms with is that I feel like pre-COVID, a pre-presidency, I knew what my orals and ethics were, but I didn't know how important it was to surround myself with people who also thought the same. I thought that if I didn't, I was closed-minded or I wasn't accepting, and that is not the case. Those things are not true. Your morals and ethics matter. They are your guiding light. They are telling you what's important to you and what should be important to the people you are around. You're you can be open to dialogue, you can be open to people having some semi-different ones, but at the end of the day, your morals and and ethics matter. Without without morals and ethics, I mean, what do you really have? What's your guiding light? What's your north star? And figuring out what those are, how you want to show up and show them, show people what they are, how you expect other people to respond to them, to navigate around them, and what other people's morals and ethics are matter. This kind of goes back to relationships, but marriage is as serious as you think it is. I have always kind of joked that I have um commitment issues when it comes to marriage. And to be fair, I I kind of do. I do think that marriage is as serious as I think it is because there's no plan B for me. Divorce to me is not a plan B. Who you choose as a partner again and who you choose to have kids with is important. Those people are going to shape your children's life forever and who you allow them to your kids to be around, who you allow to raise them, um, all these things. Affect their adulthood. It affects them forever. We we know that someone's childhood and what happens to them as a child shapes them into who they are. So if you can do everything in your power to make sure that those things align with what you envision for your child, you should do that. Getting married later in life is better than getting married to the wrong guy. You can you can break with a guy tomorrow and then be pregnant the next year. Getting your education out the way is the best thing you did for yourself. And this is me talking to me. But one of the best things I did was get my master's at 23. And I'm just, I don't have to think about it anymore. I'm I'm I have achieved the highest form of education I um aspire to achieve. And I feel complete in that. Um, not having to think back when I'm going back to school or navigate around that, especially now, is definitely a blessing. Again, a thing that I did for myself that I really, really admire, but also could look different. I just think in general, getting your education is really, really important. Um, and whether whether that's high school, college, a master's degree, a PhD, a doctorate, whatever that may be, getting your education is important. And having those milestones are important. Education is one thing that someone can't take away from you, no matter what position of life that you're in. That is one thing that is yours and yours only. And there's a lot of power in that. And I think, especially in this day and age when anti-intellectualism is on the rise and people are getting dumber and dumber as AI usage gets higher and higher. Me being able to look in the mirror and be like, I'm smart, I don't know. That that's a self, that's a self-fulfilling prophecy for me. And with that, my next one is knowledge is power. I can believe we're already at 24. Um, believe in yourself. You are the crafter of your own life. Things don't shake unless you shake it. And that is number 25. Things don't shake unless you shake it. You have to do what you have to do in order to do what you want to do. Like things don't come to fruition, things aren't gonna be handed to you. Things aren't going to um, no one's just gonna give you a pass just because of X, Y, and Z. Some people will, some things will, if you are of a certain caliber or family or whatever. But for majority of the population, things don't shake unless you shake it. And sometimes that can be really frustrating that like things don't happen unless you put them into motion. But if you want it, sometimes that's just like the price you have to pay. Number 26 is be okay with wanting more, or it's okay to want more. It's okay to want more for yourself, for your family, for your boyfriend, for your friends. It's okay to have expectations for yourself, or to feel like you're meant for more, or that again, you you want more, that enough isn't enough. And it's okay to work towards those things, like I previously said. Like it's not gonna shake unless you shake it. This one ties kind of into morals and ethics, but be who you say you are. If you say that you're dependable, be dependable. If you say you're going to do something, do it. If you say that you're an understanding person, be understanding. If you say you're going to change, then change. Be who you say you are, so you feel closer to your identity and who you want to be. Um, 28, 29, and 30 are kind of all put together. Stress will kill you, comparison will kill you, insecurity will kill you. And I don't mean literally, but I do mean your literal being in your identity. Stress is a silent killer. Um, your cortisol spiking is a terrible thing to happen to you. That comparison, comparing your journey to someone else's journey, your life to someone else's life, your timeline to someone else's timeline, doesn't help you at all. You have to be, you have to know that like when your time will come, it will come. And and know that comparison is truly the thief of joy. Um, and then insecurity will kill you. Being insecure does nothing for anyone around you. It does nothing for you. It is, again, a silent killer. It's a silent relationship killer, friendship killer, and it doesn't not serve you. So let's cut it. There's no time for that. Like, do you want to be an Amanda and West, or do you want to be a say Sierra and Jesse? I low key love Jesse now. So, or let's say a Sierra, Mia, Jesse, Kyle situation, Carl, literally anyone else but those two. And then number lucky 31 is always be willing to learn. I have found that I thrive better. And I like being around people who are always willing to know more. Like I wake up every day and I feel like I'm willing to learn. I'm willing to know more, I'm willing, willing to absorb information. I will know as much as possible, learn from people around me, learn from my peers, learn from my friends, learn from my parents, learn from so many things. I'm never going to be done learning. And I think we have that perspective. Life and experiences will open up for you just because of that. It's so fun being arrogant. It's no fun thinking that you know everything. You have so much life to live still, and so much more to learn. And that's something to be excited about and something to look forward to, that you don't know shit. My mom used to always say, I forgot more than you know because of her age. So I lead by that, truthfully. And that's 31 things that I have learned in my 31 years of living. I hope some of it resonates, and some of it, you, if you're younger than me, that you can be like, I still have to learn that lesson, and I'm kind of looking forward to it. And that's a good point that she made. I just hope it resonates in some way or degree or motivates you to change your viewpoint in something. Um, because I feel like it has definitely I just feel like I am who I am, and I like who I am, and I'm self-aware in who I am, and that is a great thing to say, and I don't think everyone can say that. And I would love for everyone to be able to say that. So, so yeah, thank you guys for listening. My name is Alyse, and I'm the host of Go Get Hers. And I'll see you in two weeks because I'm going on vacation.