Episode 9: A tale of 2 trees & 2 babies. My miscarriage story.

Talking about whether life is able to be too precious and too wild, some station wagon love, and the story of my first babies short lives and the lasting impact and life lessons I have implemented from that time in my life.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:15

Hello. Welcome here. Welcome to Abby's Open House, Kids, Keys, Caffeinated Combos. It has been a hot minute. My very first episode, I talked about something about what are you going to do with this one wild and precious life. I'm feeling like life is a little bit too wild and a little bit too precious. And I'm trying to fit too much into my life. But this is a highlight for me, so we're going to keep going. It just got a little bit full. So here we are. Last we talked, we were in Vancouver with my friend Angeline. And we got to do it together. Now we're back. I am at home. I am wilding and preciousing life, trying to fit everything in that I love and getting it all in. It's um it is a full life and it's a life that I love right now. Um I mean, not always. My cat died last week. I balled. I think it was on Monday, actually. I just balled. I think I was just feeling a little bit emotional because I'm not overly, I wasn't overly attached. I didn't even love it all the time. It was a farm cat. Um, but I don't know, it's always just nice. And then he didn't make it, and I felt like a failure, and it was a whole thing. But anyway, the sun is shining today. It's been a great week. I finally have hauled my well, Gerald does it actually, but we've hauled my station wagon out for the summer. And I feel like, you know that episode on The Office where Michael Scott, it's jeans day, and he feels like he's feels like so good in his blue jeans, and he struts around and like totally becomes this other persona when he's got his jeans on. I feel like that is me when my station wagon is out. I like have a little extra pep in my step and a little saunter. Uh Gerald was making fun of me last night because I was sauntering over to get into my wagon, and um it just it's my it was my grandpa's way back in the day. I don't remember him ever having it. Um, but I like being tied to him in that way. And it's old, it's from the 70s, it's just a fun little car to rip around in. Gerald helped me. Well, when I say Gerald helped me, he just does everything. So he souped it all up, got the engine going, we got some fuel injection so I can actually start it and drive it. Um, I'm not that talented, so um, it just makes life better. It's a highlight in the morning to get in and rip around. We've got Bluetooth hooked up to it so I can listen to my Taylor Swift while I'm in the car. Um, and it's it just makes life better. Do you ever have one of those things that just gives me something to look forward to every morning? So today was the first day getting out in it. Last night I took the boys for a cruise, but today I got to bring it to work. And I feel like Michael Scott on Jeans Day. It's just been an extra good day. Everyone at work, I think, was tired of me and my peppy mood. And you know what? I don't even care. I'm in my station wagon mode today, and maybe that vibe will be killed by like the next three hours. I don't know what's gonna happen. But for now, I'm having a great day. So welcome here. Hope you guys have been keeping busy too. Um today I actually wanted to talk about um something a little bit more serious, and sometimes I feel like a bit of a Debbie Downer when I talk about it, but I also think it's really important to talk about. Um, I know that some people, when I talk about it, they will likely roll their eyes and think it's stupid. And you know what? That's okay. You can just skip this episode. But for me, I think it's important um to remember different times in your life and to think back and reflect and all those kinds of things. Um, so today I thought it would be a great day to talk about um something in my past that I have dealt with. So last week, April 23rd, would have been my first set of twins, 17th birthday. And so I miscarried twins. It happened uh right around Thanksgiving weekend um back in the day, and my due date would have been April 23rd. I always remember them on Thanksgiving because that's when I lost them. And then April 23rd is always a day. Um years it comes and goes and it's not a really big deal, and some years it's something more emotional for me. Uh, I don't know if I'd call it a trauma, a more like a remembrance type thing. Um, but I've always found it um important for myself, and everyone's gonna do things differently, right? But it's my podcast, so we're gonna talk about how I deal with it. Um, and I've just decided to make it a priority to celebrate their life. It doesn't mean that I sit around and mope and cry every year. I mean, if I had two more kids, I would be freaking exhausted. Three kids is good with me, but I think it's still important to remember that there was a life and um they're worth remembering. I know that I'll see them again one day, and I'm really excited to meet them one day. I'm enjoying the kids that I have right now. I'm really enjoying the kids that I have right now. It's so fun. We just got back from a weekend in Minneapolis with them. We took them to the Brandon Lake concert. Um, if you don't know his music, I would encourage you to listen to it. It's so good, it's so positive. Um, we'll visit it a little bit more um in the next podcast, but it was just cool to be able to take the kids and to just have a good weekend together, and they're at the age where it's just hilarious. They make more fun of us than we do of them. And it was just a really good time as a family to get out there and to hear your kids singing all the words to songs that have lyrics such as I have a hope, I have a future. I just think that there's no amount of money that um can beat that feeling to just know that your kids feel secure and they have this positive outlook, you know, at least for that one evening, um, to see that they have a hope and a future and and they're not just stuck, you know, in their rooms doing their video games or feeling down or whatever. I think um it was really cool to be able to pour into them some more of that positive, um, those positive vibes. Anyway, so on uh the 23rd, um my first set of twins will it would have been their um 17th birthday. So every year we've made it a goal, I've made it a goal um to celebrate that with like a little cupcake and a candle or a little like just remembrance of some sort. Some years it's been a little individual packet of rice pudding with cinnamon on top of it. Some years it's been an actual cake. Some years, um, last year I think my dad went and bought a Dairy Queen ice cream cake and brought it over. Just some way to remember and mark the moment and um celebrate the lives that would have been and could have been and weren't, and probably weren't for a reason, right? Um, I believe that there are always reasons why things don't work out. And even if we don't know what that is, um that's okay. We're not supposed to know all of that. So um I wanted to talk about that a little bit today and just share my story, and um, hopefully it helps some of you and maybe just get teaches you a little bit more about me and where I come from and where some of my beliefs come from in that and and that kind of thing. And um maybe you'll just roll your eyes and it won't be for you, and that's okay too. So I was when I found out I was pregnant, uh, I'd been married probably almost five years, I would say, and super psyched, uh, very excited to be pregnant. Yeah, I was very sick. I was incredibly sick for my first trimester. Um, it wasn't a secret that I was pregnant because my job was to be a hairstylist and I was standing and it was lots of smells, and I was I was sick, incredibly sick. I'd already gone shopping for maternity clothes and got all of those, and I'd got some magazines, um, maternity magazines from um one of my friends, and so I had them all set up in our spare room in our home at the time, and we had just, I remember so clearly it had been our Thanksgiving dinner with our church family. Um, and I had worn my maternity pants, and it was still too early even to be wearing maternity pants, but I was so jacked because they had like the tummy panel or whatever, and I could just like wear elastic pants and like go for it at Thanksgiving dinner, and it was such a good memory. And then uh we went for my three-month appointment, and um something was off, and so they couldn't find a heartbeat, and so then um they sent me for uh an ultrasound, and yeah, there was a lot of unknowns. Um, and another thing that was really wild was at the same time my nephew had just been born, and so in that same hospital, in that same visit, after we had gone to the ultrasound and were waiting on results, we had gone up to that room and met my nephew. And, you know, during all of the unknowns and the what-ifs and the scary and that kind of thing, to be able to hold another precious life and um celebrate that was such a really good and cool thing. So after that appointment, then uh I headed back to work and was doing someone's hair. And we had planned a weekend away uh to Edmonton and we were doing a little baby moon. We were living beyond our means way back in the day. Uh, we were not good money managers. Um, I was not a good money manager, and obviously I had no money. We were still going on a baby moon, because why not? And so we were leaving soon, so we had asked that they send us the results so we knew what was going on uh whenever they got them. So I was in the middle of doing someone's hair, and you'd never forget some of those memories because I mean the world stops, right? So I got the call. Uh so I turned off my blow dryer, I was styling this girl's hair, and I take the phone and I'm at the front desk of my salon, everyone's around, everyone's buzzing, and it's our doctor. And he said, Yeah, sorry, you know, there was no heartbeat, uh, babies didn't make it. And it just is deafening silence in my mind, and it's like, what? And and then all of a sudden I was like, Oh, babies, and he's like, Yeah, didn't like, did you not know it was twins? And it was just kind of like cutting a little extra deep, and it's like you can't even celebrate the fact that there were two because they're no longer viable and there, and so my world just crashed. And so I walked to the back, just put everything down, walked to the back, and I just sunk to the floor and just balled, and I just balled and bald and balled, and my I got my mom to come pick me up from work at the back door, and I just got in and I just cried and I just went home and I went to bed. And there's so many heavy feelings that go through you at that time, or at least for me. And for me, I've always been the type where I've always believed that nothing can just come easy for me. And I'm it's not me in a Debbie Downer way, it's just like, oh, I I was just wasn't meant for that little picture perfect life, you know, and and that's okay. I I love my life the way it is. It's quirky, it's weird, it's not perfect or smooth, and usually that's where the most interesting stories come from. But like I got a new car, my very first car, took it to my Bible college, and I was going through a car wash. It was like the second day I owned the car, and totally rammed it into the side of the car wash, and the side mirror is just completely hanging there by a couple wires. And it's like, oh yeah, that makes sense. This is I can't have nice things. That's just what it is. Um, I'm not meant to have nice things, I'm not meant for things to work out, and so that was just my feeling, and it's like, well, of course this would happen, you know? And so that's how it was with the car, that's how it was with the babies. And so that's just the feeling that I felt. So eventually, um that day was a blur. My parents um came over, and I just remember sitting and staring at the floor in the kitchen, just not knowing what to say. And we were still supposed to be going on our trip, our baby moon to Edmonton. So when you missed Carrie, I I didn't even know what that meant. I didn't even know what that was. Nobody talked about it. This was 17 years ago. It was before mental health was trendy or uh something we talked about. And so I didn't even know what to do. So we ended up going to the emergency room because I just had no idea where to go. And I needed to just know like, how do I do this? Like, are the babies gonna come out? What's you know, get the scoop? You get all the stuff, you get the goods. So I was like, can I still travel? Can I still go on the plane? Like, will this be okay? And so we got our answers, and they're like, Yeah, you can totally still go. Hopefully, everything happens naturally. And like, I don't know about you, but when something's done like that, like I just want them out of my body. Like, get the F out of my body. And so, I mean, I can't have nice things, and I can't have things go the way I want. I'm a control freak. I want it and I want it now. And so I had to just settle and be okay with, hey, it's gonna happen when it happens. I remember going to a friend's place that evening, and we were there, and it would there was a group, it was a bunch of different couples. We were watching Iron Man. Of course, I remember all of it because it's just the worst time of my life, one of them. And I didn't really, you don't know how to communicate stuff like that. Um, so we showed up and I just said, Yeah, we had a miscarriage, we were not pregnant anymore. And so it was like dead silence when we said it. And it's like looking back, I feel bad for my poor friends for having to listen to that. They're like, Well, what do you say? And so it was just silence, and we went on watching the movie, and it was awkward and it was horrible, and then we went home and it's like, Well, why doesn't anyone have anything to say? Why doesn't anyone say, you know, their story or, you know, anything? Looking back, I don't know if any, if they would have done anything, there's nothing they could have done. Because when you're in that place, I mean, nothing's gonna bring them back, nothing's gonna provide that life, nothing's gonna happen that's gonna magically make life better for you. I think you just want have those high expectations that someone's gonna have those magic words that are gonna make you feel better. And um I didn't have a ton of close friends. I'd kind of isolated myself from a lot of that. I was busy with my career. And at the time, um, my husband was older than me, and so we were mostly friends with his friends, and I loved them. I love that group of friends, but it's different than having friends that have been in your life forever that know you and know how you are and how you react, right? So yeah, it was such a weird time. And so we ended up going to Edmonton for our little baby moon, and it was horrible. Sometimes, some nights I would just cry and cry. And some nights uh we'd go for dinner and it would be great. We went shopping with money I didn't have, got a new wardrobe because why not just spend money and try and take away the pain that way. I got a really nice sweater from Banana Republic. It was like the most beautiful purple, and I've never ever paid full price for anything at Banana Republic before, and I still think about that sweater. But it's like my miscarriage sweater, you know, but it was really cute. And so went there and then started cramping and you know, losing losing pieces, and um, that was really hard too because every time we go to the bathroom, you're looking um at those clots, and it's like, oh, you know, it's loss all over again, and it's pain, and it's the what if, and you're mad at your body, and you're mad at life, pretty much. And so after that, we got home and everything had kind of stopped, and I thought we were back to normal. So I took some time off work. We had a blow-dry boot camp at work, so I made all the treats for that. I went for that evening, and people were slowly hearing about it because I was off work, and we had to say why I'd been very vocally pregnant before because I had been so sick. And so people were talking to me about it and bringing it up, and some didn't bring it up, and it's almost more awkward when they don't. And one lady brought me a book on how to forgive yourself, and there's a lot of different reactions, and I know that all of them came from a really good place, and I think I was just so angry that at the time I just wasn't ready for any of it. And so a week later, um a bunch of the guys in my family went on a boys' trip to a football game, and I didn't want to be home alone, I still wasn't doing well, and so I stayed at my parents' house with my mom and my auntie Joyce, and I just remember crying into the night and putting clothes in front of the vent, so my auntie Joyce didn't hear me crying in the next room. And we would we went out for Chinese food, and I remember stopping. There was another table, and they had congratulated me on my pregnancy, and I had had to say, Yeah, you know what, actually, I'm not pregnant anymore, and having to explain that. And it was just for a long time, it was embarrassing leaving the house. It's embarrassing to say that you failed at something. It's embarrassing to have to backtrack on some of that stuff. It's embarrassing just to note that you failed and that a dream has died and whatever. So once the guys all got back, ended up actually having to go to the hospital, went into labor to deliver the rest of um, I guess, the tissues and stuff. Um, and I just remember being in the emergency room. This is one of my like, it sounds so dumb, but it's one of my favorite moments with my mom. My mom is just a ride or die kind of person, and she's in it. She is the type that just shows up, uh, even if she doesn't know what she should do, she's just there and she's gonna sit with you through it and and sit in the mess with you. And so I remember being there, and uh, obviously my husband at the time was there too, but my mom was such a support to me in that time. And I remember they had already hooked me up to an IV. They were waiting to put me into a room because I would stay overnight and have a DNC the next morning. And they had put the IV on, but I couldn't take my shirt off because the IV now, like there was some kind of thing with IV. So they're looking through all the drawers, trying to find some scissors, and they find these like hardcore like ambulance scissors that are supposed to like, I think they're supposed to like cut your rib cage open. I don't know, they're hardcore. And so they're cutting my shirt so that I can get my arm out or whatever to change into my gown. I think that's what it was. And we are just laughing our butts off. My mom, when it's awkward, she just laughs. Her and my sister, they just both giggle through the whole thing. Doesn't matter how awkward it is, they're just gonna laugh about it. And um there's always something. Some joy, not joy, but bittersweet or good in the horrible, I always feel like. And that was still, it's still one of my moments that I think about with my mom. And so ended up having my DNC. I remember my dad coming to visit me, just him. And I think that was the first time I'd seen my dad cry. And um as a parent now myself, I think the idea of seeing my kids in pain the way that it was and the way I was at that time, I don't know how I would handle that either. And I just really appreciated the people, my parents and my family that showed up, even when they didn't know what the right thing to do was, um to just show up and and be there and say the wrong thing. I don't, you don't know what the right thing is. There is no right thing. And so I think that spoke volumes to me just to see the kind of family that I had and the kind of family that showed up. And so I got home after my um surgery, and I remember coming out of my anesthesia and just crying and crying, and where are my babies? Where are my babies? And just being out of it and really upset. And so I came home and was couch bound and had a couple, two friends dropped off meals for me. And that's when it showed the importance of showing up for people to me. It taught me a huge lesson in how much those freaking casseroles meant. Um, because even if you can't make anything better, maybe you can show up and make it easier in some ways, or show that you love them, even if it's through freaking lasagna noodles or whatever. I think if I've learned anything, it's the importance of showing up in those times for people. And the importance of showing up and not just coming in and having to talk to someone, it's leaving it at the door, letting them sit in their own emotions and um not making yourself look important and be the important thing and turning it into a thing about you. It's about just keeping it all on them and just making their life existence as easy as possible. And so that's a really huge thing that I learned going through loss like that. Going back to work was really tough for me as a hairdresser. It was new clients every half hour to two hours, depending if it was a color or a haircut, eight hours a day. And I had people, you know, I have my regulars, so I'm on a four or five week cycle of new clients every day, every half hour, and then the four weeks start over. That four first four weeks after my miscarriage were the worst four weeks of my life because I had to tell every single appointment every half hour that I lost my babies because, and tell them the story because the last appointment I had told them I was pregnant because I was sick, or they had missed their appointment because I was sick and I couldn't be at work. So it was really horrible because some days it's fine and you can just say, hey, yeah, no big deal, whatever. And some days it hits harder and it's like, yeah, you know, I failed. Um, did you know, didn't work. Before that, I wasn't an open person. I was pretty closed off. Um, I was quiet about a lot of those personal things I had learned and grown up uh in and in school, they'd always said, like, don't, you know, always keep it on the client, don't talk about yourself, just keep it focused on them, all of that kind of stuff. And that's the way, you know, people don't want to hear about you. They don't know about you and all that kind of stuff. And and so after that, I mean, there's no way I couldn't. And what I found was by opening up, I had never heard of anyone that had had a miscarriage before. I didn't know anyone like that. No one had told me about that or talked about it. I'd heard about people who had trouble getting pregnant, but I had never heard about miscarriages before. So when I was talking about it to my clients, I said, Yeah, you know, I miscarried, I lost my babies. They would tell me about theirs and they'd tell me what had happened, and it was really, really healing. And it was really healing for the people that were talking to me about it. And some of them, they had lost their babies 20 years ago, 15 years ago, and they're still talking about, yeah, I remember being in the bathtub and just crying and missing my baby, or I still celebrate my baby on my due date, or I, you know, I still think about my baby, and we're gonna meet them in heaven one day, and we're gonna, you know, the ability to be vulnerable, it's hard, but it's so rewarding, and it can be really healing, and it can help others heal too, and it can bring people together, and it makes this world feel a lot less alone. And so, yes, I lost babies 17 years ago, and I still talk about them and I tell still celebrate them. I don't sit here and cry all the time about them. Like I fully understand time has passed, it's okay, we're fine. That doesn't mean that we're not allowed to celebrate them, celebrate the life that was there, um, to make sure my kids um see that it's okay for a woman and to remember my boys are gonna be husbands one day. And I'm gonna want them to know how to support a wife that's going through that, or support friends that go through that, or know that it's okay, and it's better to say the wrong thing and to acknowledge it's someone hurting and to bring a crappy pre-made pizza or whatever you can bring and show up for the people that you love. It's better to do that than to just be scared and sit at home and wonder, like, oh, I probably should do something, or oh, thinking of you, praying for you. No. When someone's hurting, you show up. And when someone loses a baby, you are allowed to talk about that baby. And talking about that baby makes people see that that life was worth something. No matter how short it was, that life was worth something and it means something, and it's allowed to be celebrated if that person wants to celebrate it. If they want to forget about it, then forget about it. Everyone has their own way of dealing with it, right? But I think my job as a mom now is to teach my kids to do better than the people that let me down 17 years ago. And I think that's just kind of what my goal has been. So on my first set of twins, first birthday, my dad took me to his backyard and showed me two trees that he had planted, and he had named them QR. Since then, I had had my second set of twins, Tommy and Spencer, T and S, S and T, and my dad told me that he had planted those trees for my first babies, and he had named them Q and R. Because Q and R comes before S and T. And that meant something to me that my dad, someone who has his life together, and is someone who may not always have understood it, but saw me walk through it and saw the hurt and the value that was in those lives, find a way to bring them to life and have something physical for us to see grow over the years was really cool. And that's a highlight for me. So this year, since then, they've sold that house, and the people that bought it have been friends of mine, and so he had shown them those trees when they got there, and whatever. Obviously, it's their own thing to do with what they want. It's at the very back property line, and they can totally dig them up, and it will not be a big deal. It's totally fine, but they've kept them, and so uh it wouldn't have worked to transplant them, and you don't want to, whatever. They're just evergreen trees. It is what it is, and some days it's not a big deal. But this year, I was like, you know what? I woke up at six o'clock in the morning on the 23rd this year, and I was like, you know what? I I just cried. I I was a little bit emotional about it. I don't know what my problem was, and just remembering and you think about back on these things, and I knew I wanted to share this and that kind of thing, and just kind of going through the memories and the feelings and all of those things. And so I texted my friend and I just said, Hey, this is gonna be really weird, but is there any chance I could pop by in your backyard today and just take a look at my trees? And she's like, of course. And so um, yeah, so I went to work and um I brought sticky buns for everyone at work to celebrate. I didn't announce what it was for, but I wanted to find a way to celebrate in my own way for them, and so everyone got coffee break, and I asked my dad if he wanted to go for a drive. So I took him for a drive and we pulled up at his old house, which he's like, what are we doing here? And we went for a walk and I said we're gonna visit the trees. So we got to see my trees, and it was a nice full circle moment. It was nice to be there with him, and it was nice to just show him how important that small act had been for me at that time in my life. And they're not like pretty, you know, but they're tall. They're kind of like how 17-year-olds would be. They're like a little bit pimply and a little bit awkward and a little bit overgrown and a little bit, you know, nothing pretty. But they'll fill out and they'll be okay. And maybe, you know, they won't be there in a year or two. Maybe they won't stick around, and that's okay too. I'm not gonna fall apart if trees don't make it. But it was a really good moment, and it was really cool to have that celebrated. And this year, it we didn't do a big thing as a family. Uh, everyone was going different directions. Uh, and so we didn't do a birthcake, we didn't do anything, and it was totally okay. It was nice. I had had my moment and it was good. And so that's what it was. And I think that was um the beginning of me deciding that I'm not gonna live a quiet life. I'm not gonna hide what I'm going through. I'm not gonna hide my feelings on things, I'm not gonna hide my situation. Um I've made sure that my mental health is something I'm okay talking about. It was a journey that after that DNC, um there was hormonal changes with me. I hadn't, you know, I had my kids and I had my wisdom teeth out about a year after that. And I woke up. I feel I still feel bad for those nurses because my mom, uh, my mom was the one in the waiting room for me. I think she was my ride. And um apparently I had woken up from my wisdom teeth. They put me to sleep for it, and I had woken up crying and asking where my babies were and where my dead babies were, and on and on and on. And it's like, uh, we just took out your teeth. There were no babies, and it was like, oh my word, I'm a I'm a disaster. So those poor nurses, I don't even want to think about it, but um yeah. That was a shift hormonally, and I think it was the first step towards acknowledging my need for some mental health help. And I'm really thankful that I got it today. Today, I it took me three tries to take my meds today. It's still not awesome. Some days I just am annoyed that I have to take a pill to be somewhat normal. I was not normal in any way today because it's station wagon day today. I had my strut on, I was doing it, you know, whatever. But um yeah, it still bugs me sometimes. And I think that's okay. And I think it's important to talk about that and talk about the struggle of needing a pill to be normal and having that imbalance in my life. And I mean, anyone who knows me knows I'm not balanced and there's no surprise there. Um, but yeah, I have a tattoo on my arm, um, and it's a fairy, and I got it for my twins. I got it retouched last year and with a few um fillers, just with some fine-line stuff. And people always ask what my tattoo means. And I always share. I always just say, Yeah, you know what? I I lost two babies before my first set of twins, like my second set of twins, and um, it was just a way to remember them. And I don't do it because I need the attention or I want to, you know, have a Debbie Downer moment or have people feel sorry for me. I don't feel sorry for myself either. Um, it's something that happened, it's a part of my life, and I think I think it's just great to acknowledge it if you want to and are able to to help others along the way and to help yourself heal and to open up those conversations. And like I said, for the next generation, um, miscarriage is finally something that's being talked about now. There was no support at all. There was one YouTube video, I think it was YouTube. That was still a thing 17 years ago. There was one YouTube video on miscarriage, there was one song. It was really depressing and really bad. But I watched this YouTube video over and over and over, and it said it was called something about what makes a mother. And just talking about the importance of like you're still a mom. Even if you've lost your babies, you're still a mom. You were their mom for however long they were in your um stomach, and you'll be their mom forever. And so it's gone from that to there's a ton of resources now, there's a ton of help to help people. But when I was going through, you know, all of my friends having babies, and when I was a lot younger, um, a lot of my friends' kids are older now, like mine are. But it was, you know, when there's someone that has a miscarriage, I would send them that video and be like, hey, you're still a mom. Or, hey, you know, leave food and say there's food at your table or at your door, or hey, you know, here's this, you know. Um as women and as people and as community and as villagers, we need to be that village for people. And I think it's important to show up. So that's all I have. Just figured I would chat about that. Now that we're 17 years later, which is wild. Yeah. But anyway, that's all I have for today. Latest obsession. I'm trying to remember what we do every episode. Latest obsession. Ooh. All I do is work right now. It's wild right now. Um, obsession would be the station wagon, obviously. Um our cat Leo passed away. And so I took that harder, as I've mentioned. So one of my clients' friends, uh, clients and friends, uh, she has two new kittens, so working on that. And other than that, trying to catch up. I'm behind on my reading this year. I haven't finished the last two books from book clubs, so I'm stressed, but there's not enough hours in the day for this wild and freaking precious life. So it doesn't matter how early I wake up. I wake up at 6, 6:30, sometimes later. And I go to bed at one, and my to-do list still isn't done. But I'm trying. And so right now I'm trying to finish Being Mortal. And that's been a long, long haul and had quite a few interruptions in that one. And I am reading The Secret River. That was our last book club book. And then I still need to read my other book club book uh that they just did this last week. On it's called A Woman Is No Man. So that's my To Be Reads. I'm dying to read The Correspondent. Uh, I just bought it at Superstore last night because I don't have a whole shelf full of books that are on my to be read list. But summer is coming, the lake is coming, work won't always be like this. So what else? Just the station wagon, pretty much. That's what I'm doing. I think that's all. And currently reading, I think we just covered that. So I hope you guys have a great day. And I'm gonna have a good day because I'm going to get in my wagon. And I hope you have a great day, and thank you for joining. This has been Abby's Open House, Kids Keys, Caffeinated Convo. And thank you for joining me. Feel free to subscribe if you like, and you will hear from me soon.