How Many Rounds Can You Take In An Addiction Marriage?

You can only take so many rounds before the fight starts changing you. If you’ve been living through the rinse cycle of addiction in your marriage, a few good days, a fragile hope, then the relapse that knocks the wind out of you, you already know how exhausting it is. I’m putting clear language to that exhaustion and naming the trap: your emotional life can become so tied to an addict’s choices that your peace rises and falls with their substance use. That isn’t love or sacrifice. It’s entanglement, and it can turn your home into a constant state of survival.

We walk through codependency in a practical, lived way, not as a buzzword, but as the reality of being emotionally synchronized with someone who cannot regulate themselves. I use a boxing metaphor to explain what each relapse really does to you: every broken promise is a round, every “this time will be different” is another bell, and you keep stepping back in to get hit. Then I introduce the missing piece many spouses never get: a cornerman who can tell the truth and, when necessary, throw in the towel. Not because you’re weak, but because there’s a real difference between courage and destruction, especially when kids are watching and absorbing the impact.

From a faith-based lens rooted in Christian identity, we talk about where help actually comes from, using Psalm 121 to challenge the habit of looking to the next sobriety stretch as your source of stability. Your worth was established before the addiction started, and it doesn’t get handed to you by their recovery or stolen from you by their relapse. I also point you toward support through the Walk Right Community and the “You’re Not Lost” weekend course so you can start building clarity, boundaries, and healing for yourself. If this hits home, subscribe, share this with someone who’s in the ring, and leave a review so more spouses can find a way out.

A FREE Online Community for help and healing @ partnersofaddicts.com

Free Downloads:  

Navigating Love @ https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/guide

10 Untold Truths @ https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/download

Visit us @ walkrightministries.com. 

Weekend Course @ https://funnel.walkrightcommunity.com/weekend-course

Transcript

The Relapse Roller Coaster Begins

SPEAKER_00 0:00

I want to describe something to you. Maybe it sounds familiar. Maybe there's a period of time that they survived for maybe a couple of days, maybe maybe a week, maybe a month. They're showing up, they're going to meetings, there is some movement, and then you relax your shoulders a little bit, the tension starts to go out, and you start to find a sense of hope. Like maybe this is the one. And then it happens again. The relapse. That's called entanglement. And I lived it for a very long time. And I'm here today to try to explain to you. Come on inside. Welcome to Reclaiming Your Identity, a podcast dedicated to providing hope, healing, and support for married individuals whose spouses are battling addiction. Rooted in the truth of your identity in Christ, this podcast offers practical guidance and biblical insight to help you navigate the challenges of addiction within your marriage. Here we'll find encouragement and embrace God's plan for restoration in your life. Let's walk this journey together, one step at a time.

The Cycle And Codependency Defined

SPEAKER_00 1:54

Hope you're having a wonderful day. This episode today is called How Many Rounds Are You Gonna Take? How many rounds are you going to take? If you're new here, this is a space for spouses that are married to somebody with an addiction or an unhealthy habit. And you don't have to be married. You can be a partner, you could be a loved one, but I dedicate most of my work towards followers of Christ that are married to somebody who's battling an addiction. And this addiction came on after you were married. But this is a space that will help anybody recover through codependency. It's a space that will help anybody that is entangled with an addict. Because for every addict, there's at least five to seven people that are directly affected by their addiction. So this is a space for everybody, and I welcome all of you here. Before we go any further, would you please like, subscribe, share all those things, comment all those things on either any of the podcast platforms? Or if you're watching on YouTube, would you please subscribe, like, and comment? It really helps me out, it really helps me get noticed so I can help more people like you and me. And this episode today we're talking about is going to relate to some of the boxing stuff that goes on inside a ring. But how many rounds are you going to take? As I said in the beginning, you've been living in this cycle of addiction. You've been living the ups and downs, the ins and outs of this predictable rhythm. It's sobriety, it's hope, it's relapse, it's crash, it's repeat. That's what we're focused on. And we have to break out of that cycle. I live that cycle too. So this is not condemnation. This is not to scold you. This is not to bring you down or make fun of. This is what you're seriously living in. And it's not healthy. It's not healthy at all. And somebody needs to tell you that. It is not a healthy space to be in. Here's what nobody's probably told you. You're riding the roller coaster right next to them. They're sitting next to them. You were both on this thing going up and down, up and down. And every high that they have, you had. Every low that they had, you had. Every relapse affects you just as much as it affects them. And every crash you had, they had. Except you're not the one taking a substance. Isn't that weird? You're that tied to them that you put so much value into them, you're only as good as they are that day. That's called codependency. We talk about it a lot on this show. That is not love, that is not sacrifice, that is not devotion, that is an unhealthy problem that you have too. You become emotionally synchronized with somebody who can't control their emotions. They're basing everything off a substance. So you're tied to somebody who's using a substance to escape. So that is all that you are putting your value in. Think about what that means for a second. Your entire inner world, the entire value that you put in them, your peace, your joy, your sense of safety, your security, your happiness, anything of that self-worth has been tied to the behavior of somebody who cannot control their own behavior. Makes sense when you read it like that, doesn't it? You're only as good as their last drink, you're only as good as the pills they take, you're only as good as when you find out they're on pornography, you're only as good as what other unhealthy habit they're doing. Every single relapse they've had is their failure, but it felt like

Boxing Rounds As Relapse Metaphor

SPEAKER_00 5:48

yours. Can we talk about a boxing ring for a moment? If you notice, just right over my shoulder here if you're watching, there's a few trophies and some pictures of me. I was a boxer. I was what they called a master boxer, which means it's for old guys. Old fat guys is what it's for. And it's it's sanctioned box boxing, and it was just something I've always wanted to do. So at the age of 40, I took up boxing and I competed. And I'm about 50-50. But it's for guys that are over 35 years old, and you I mean, guys are fighting in their 70s. You have to go to a doctor, you have to get checked out, you have to get approved, everything's sanctioned, everything's safe. But I was a boxer and I was in a ring fighting and getting hit, and it hurt. But I bring that up, not to brag on me, I just bring that up because I can relate to this story, and this is why I want to talk to you about it. Every relapse that you go through is around, it's a boxing round. You fight and fight and fight, and it feels like you're just getting knocked out every single round. Every broken promise is around, every crashed hope is around, everything that you put into them and it falls apart is a round. Every time you believed that things were going to be different this time and they weren't, is a round. How many rounds have you been through? Seven rounds, ten rounds, twelve rounds, the full fight? How many rounds have you yourself gone through? Here's something you need

Throwing In The Towel

SPEAKER_00 7:36

to know about boxing. Every boxer, all the greatest boxers had a cornerman. Every great boxer had a cornerman, somebody who looked at them in between the rounds that gave an assessment. It's their job to make an assessment, a true assessment of that fighter. Not based on hope, not based on loyalty, not based on anything but reality. And when that cornerman sees that the fighter cannot take another punch, cannot take another round, he throws in the towel. He throws it in, he stops the fight. Not because the boxer isn't brave enough, not because the boxer is quitting, but because there's a huge difference between courage and destruction. You've been in that boxing ring for so long, and nobody has been in your corner to make an honest assessment about you, and you just keep going out there and just getting whooped. Today I want to be that person for you. I want to be your corner man. I want to be the one that throws in the towel and says, Look, you can't take anymore. You're done. Not because you're not brave enough, not because you don't have the courage, not because you're giving up, not because of any of that stuff. It's because this is destroying you. And if you have children, it's already destroyed them. I'm throwing in the towel for you today. I'm throwing it in.

Community And Course Invitations

SPEAKER_00 9:17

This would be a great time to invite you to a couple places. In the show notes, there's all kinds of links. But I want to invite you to two specific places. Number one is the walk right community. It's a community that I created, which is an online community for people like us, walking this out, walking this path, going through these fights round after round after round. They're here. We just launched it. We're inviting people in because healing happens in community. It's a bunch of courses, it's a bunch of lessons, it's a bunch of worksheets, it's a bunch of stuff that I've walked through over the last 12 years, helping people as well as my own recovery from codependency and being partner with an addict. I would love to invite you into the free area of that space to check it out. And if you don't want to do that, I want to invite you to the second place. The second place is an actual course that I created. It's a weekend course. It's called You're Not Lost. It's a crash course that can get you started on healing, hope, and clarity. It's not a course that you finish and go, Oh, I'm done. It's not a course that helps you manage your partner. It's not a course that teaches you how to deal with addiction. It's a course that heals you. Now, the community you can find at partnersofaddicts.com, and this course you can find at funnel.walkrightcommunity.com slash weekend dash course. Everything's in the show notes. But you can go there and find a way out. Now, what does it mean by find a way out? It means that you need to get healthy. It means that you get strong enough to make a decision on whether or not you're moving forward with this relationship. It's not to end relationships, it's not to have you stick around and go through more pain and destroy your kids even more. It's just a place for you to get clarity. And then you can go forward from there. And I stand by everybody that has gone either way. I've stood by people that have reconciled relationships and marriages and healings come over the whole family. And I've gone by people that had to get healed themselves and were clear enough to just walk away and save them and their kids. That's up to you and God. I just stand beside you. Anyway, I wanted to invite you to those two spots. Again, everything's in the show notes, and you can check it out there.

Identity That Does Not Fluctuate

SPEAKER_00 12:05

Where your value comes from, let's talk about that a little bit. I want to ask you something. I wanted to sit with you. When they are doing well, who are you? And when they are doing bad, who are you? Those are two different questions. And if those answers are different from each other, then you have a problem. Your value can't fluctuate up and down with their behavior. It can't go round after round with their behavior. That is not identity at all. That's called a hostage situation. Here's the truth your soul needs to hear today. This is the towel coming in. Your worth was established before their addiction ever started. Who you were was established way before their addiction ever started. It's not given to you by their sobriety, and it's not taken away when they relapse. You are already created with an identity. You're just living a lie at the present moment. And I speak that from a place of experience. It's not because I went to school and have a PhD and done all these clinical studies. This is coming from somebody that walked through the same pits of hell that you're walking through. It's coming from somebody that's mood was great when my ex-wife was clean and sober. And my mood was wrecked, and I had no joy when she was taking medicine. It's an up and down game. And you probably live something like this too. Things are going great, everybody's happy, it's great, the whole family feels good, the sense of security's there, and then they fall apart, and you attack 'em. You said you weren't gonna take in it again, you said you weren't gonna do this, you're nothing but a heroin addict, you're no different from them druggies out on the street. You just beat them up, you just berate them, and you are just out of control like they are. I completely outsourced my emotional life to somebody who couldn't control theirs. They couldn't manage their own. But all my value was in that person. All my self-worth was in that person. No boundaries. Oh, I had threats, don't get me wrong. We think boundaries are, you know, rules and regulations with consequences, but they would do it anyway, and you still wouldn't follow through with the consequences. Again, that's a hostage situation. But the day that I understood I was able to unplug from that, the day I knew that I can pull myself back from that and be my own person was liberating. It was such a wave of peace and clarity that came over me. Wait a minute, you don't mean I have to deal with this anymore? You mean that I can have peace while she wrecks her life? Tell me more. That's a great victory that you have once you become untangled and you realize all this stuff and it clicks and it goes bing. You know, a lot of you know my story through different podcasts and stuff like that, but it's just it was I gave I got clarity. I told my wife that I'm breaking up with her addiction, I didn't want to be a part of it anymore. I moved out, started to build my relationship with my kids, started to make sure that I was staying healthy, and things didn't stop. She still was an addict, she still took medicine, she was just going downhill, there was no relapse, and she just continued to take medicine. And I had to build myself back up, but it was great that I didn't have to be plugged into that every moment of every day. It was so freeing to not come home and fight from six o'clock to twelve o'clock in the garage. The kids can hear it through the walls. That was so relieving, and I focused on getting help and helping my kids as much as I could after all the damage I did. Somebody threw in a towel for me, and I want to be that person for you today. I want to throw in that towel for you. Where does your help come from?

Psalm 121 And Where Help Comes From

SPEAKER_00 16:53

Without sounding cheesy, can I take you to the Bible and just show you something? And it's in Psalm 121. And I'm just gonna read the first part of it. Here's what it says. I raise my eyes towards the mountains, where will my help come from? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. And I want to ask you today, why you've been in this boxing ring, why you've been fighting this out, where have you been looking for your help? You don't have a corner man. He's gone. You haven't been using him. So where are you looking for guidance and help to get through this fight? Where are you looking for that? Or are you looking into your own self to come up with brand new ideas to stop the addiction, brand new ways to talk to the addict, brand new ways to do this, to do that, and nothing is working. You're on round 743, maybe. I don't know. I'm gonna give you the honest answer. From their sobriety. That's where your help comes from. You get all your energy and help from the next sobriety. And that's not the way to look at them. And that's not a way to look for help. That's survival. That's hugging the boxer against the ropes. Oh, they're sober. For how long? I don't know, but I'm gonna hold on and catch my breath. Gonna get some peace with me. That this is almost over. The bell's gonna ring. But guess what? It's another round. You got another round after this. Sobriety is fragile. Recovery is a process. And building your emotional foundation into something that can unravel at any moment is not faith. It's fear. It's not faith at all. You're living out of a place of survival and fear. You have to find strength from the Lord. You have to find strength knowing that you were created in the image of Jesus, that this is something that truly works. I'm not selling you on Bible thumping theology. I'm not selling you on behavior modification. I'm not selling you on any kind of religious bullcrap. I'm telling you, I went to church for a long time. I claimed to be a Christian for a long time. I preached in a church, had a

Faith Over Fear For You And Kids

SPEAKER_00 19:28

church, had a radio ministry, stood behind the pulpit, lying and hiding that my wife was an addict and hated God along the way because he never fixed her. I didn't know who he was because I didn't put trust in that. I just kept fighting round after round after round. It wasn't until he got a hold of me and completely transformed me that I'm now able to stand here and talk to you about this stuff. Okay, I'm sitting. But it's not an instant thing either. It took a while for me to be completely transformed. But I'm telling you, the start of it, the very start of it, when you start doing this stuff that I'm teaching, when you start listening to the words that are coming through me through it, the spirit, they're touching your heart, they're grabbing you in a different way than any words have before. That's him. That's not me. And he wants you to be healed and he wants to help you. Of course he wants to help the addict, but he's more focused on you in his relationship. And what comes out of that is between him, you, and the addict, but you need to gain clarity. And I can't emphasize enough if you have kids, you need to do it for them, if not for yourself. Because in 10 years, if you've got young kids in 10 years, 15 years, you want to sit there every day and watch your kids struggle because of the crap that you did. That's heartbreaking. I live that every moment of my day. Watching and knowing that my kids are still hurting and not free and not transformed because they won't allow the corner man to throw in a towel. There's a foundation that your life needs to build on. And it's faith in him, not their recovery. You have to understand that. Have to understand that. Get yourself a cornerman.

Final Encouragement And Next Steps

SPEAKER_00 21:35

I'm your cornerman. I'm throwing in a towel for you today. Visit all the links that are in the show notes. Partnersofatics.com. Easy way to get there. But click on all the free resources I have. Just start finding some clarity for yourself. I ask that. Find some clarity for yourself. Quit boxing. The fight. Doesn't have to go on and on and on and on. I want to thank you for being here today. I want to thank you for listening. Again, please like, subscribe, share, follow me, all those things in the social media world. I'm getting too old to understand it all, but I do know that those things kind of help somebody. And I appreciate everybody that continues to come back and continues to listen and continues to download the podcast and watch on YouTube and watch all the shorts and they're starting to come on to the email list and they just want to hear more because I'm starting to make sense to a lot of people. And I hope you're one of them. And I would love to see you on the inside of the community. But thank you for watching this episode. I hope you come back for another one soon, and you can get all of them on all your podcast platforms as well as YouTube. Thank you so much again. And remember, most important thing of every single show, you're loved, you're holy. I'll see you in the next episode. God bless you.