Keeping Love Alive After Baby (and Kids)

In this honest and heartfelt episode, Charlie opens up about what happens to your relationship once babies arrive. Drawing from 13 years of marriage and five children, she shares what worked, what didn't, and what she wishes she'd done differently. This isn't therapy — it's real talk from a mum who's been in the trenches, offering support and practical steps to help you stay connected with your partner through the chaos of early parenthood.

What You'll Learn

* Why your relationship will change after having a baby — and why that's not a bad thing

* How resentment creeps in quietly and what to do about it

* Small, consistent ways to look after each other (no grand gestures required)

* Why remembering you were a couple first matters more than you think

* 7 practical action steps to stay connected — even when you're exhausted

* What Charlie wishes she'd known in those early years

Stay connected with Charlie

Website: https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages (Mum Matters Community)

Instagram : https://www.instagram.com/charliesparentingpages/

YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@Charliesparentingpages

A new episode is released every Sunday!

Transcript

0:26

Hello and welcome back to chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five ages from two to 11, and today we're going somewhere different. We're talking about marriage, relationships, partnerships, whatever you call the person that you are doing life with. We're talking about it. We are talking about what happens to that relationship once baby arrives. Now, before I go any further, I wanna be really clear. I'm not a marriage counselor. I'm not a therapist. I'm not here to tell you what's right or wrong for your relationship, but I am married. I've been married for 13 years, and I've had five babies during that time. So what I'm sharing today is support from my experience, what I did, what worked, what didn't, and honestly what I wished I'd have done differently. If any of this resonates with you, take what helps leave what doesn't. Let's get into it. Here's the truth. No one tells you before you have a baby. Your relationship will change, not, might, will, and that's not a bad thing, but it can feel like one, especially when you're in the thick of it. Before kids, your partner was your partner. You had time, you had energy, you had each other's full attention. Date nights happened without military level planning. Conversations lasted longer than 30 seconds. You could be spontaneous, romantic, present, and then baby arrives, and suddenly everything shifts. You're both exhausted, you both figuring out this brand new role, and somewhere along the way you stop being partners and start being co-managers of a tiny human. I remember with our first baby, there were days where we barely spoke, not because we were angry, but because we were just surviving. We'd pass each other in the hallway, one holding the baby, one heading to sleep like ships in the night, and nobody warned me. It would feel like that. nobody told me that you can love your partner and still feel. Completely distant from them. You can be in the same house raising the same child and feel lonelier than you ever have. One of the hardest things about those early days is resentment, and I say that honestly because I definitely felt it. I'd be up at 3:00 AM feeding the baby, and I'd look over at my husband's sleeping. And I think that must be nice. He'd go to work and have adult conversations, drink hot coffee, eat lunch without someone crying. Meanwhile, I was covered in sick. I hadn't showered and couldn't remember my own name. And even though I knew it wasn't fair, even though I knew he was tired too, I somehow felt angry. Resentment creeps in so quietly, and you don't mean it doesn't announce itself. It builds up one unspoken frustration at a time until one day you're snapping at each other over who forgot to buy the nappies, and you're not really arguing about nappies. You are arguing about all the things you haven't said. I wish someone had told me this is normal, not okay for me to keep it in, but normal to feel and the only way out is through, which means talking about it. Even when it's hard. Here's what I've learned after five babies and 13 years of marriage, your relationship needs attention. Like constantly attention. The kind of nurturing that you put into your relationship when you are just getting together, when you're just figuring out that you like each other, that you want to make it work. That kind of attention. And I know you can't give it that a hundred percent all the time, but you shouldn't just be giving your relationship attention when things are bad, not just when you are in crisis, but all the time. I know you are exhausted. You have nothing left to give, but hear me out. Looking after each other doesn't have to mean grand gestures. It doesn't have to mean expensive date nights or weekend getaways, which quite frankly is impossible when you have kids. For me anyway, it means small things, consistent things. It means asking, how are you? Like really? How are you? And actually listening to the answer, it means noticing when your partner is struggling. And stepping in without being asked. It means saying thank you even for the things they're supposed to do. One thing I wish I'd done more in those early days is offer Grace, my husband. Wasn't doing things the way I would do them. And instead of appreciating that he was trying, I'd correct him or try to take over. And slowly he stopped offering because why would he if I was just going to crisis? Looking after each other means letting go of your way, of being the only way. I saw a real once of an old couple who'd been married for many, many years, and they were asked how, how do you keep a happy relationship, a happy marriage? what they did was something really interesting. At the end of each day when the husband got home from work or the wife had finished her day, they asked each other out of a hundred percent, what percentage were they at? That day, and maybe the wife was at 40% because she'd had a hard day with the kids and the husband felt like he was at 80% or the other way around, and the other person in that marriage, the husband or the wife that had the higher percentage made more effort to bring up the other person's percentage. It's about recognizing when. The other person is having a hard day. And if you're both having a hard day, if you're both at 40%, 20%, then it's your job together to support each other, to get each other through the day, to help each other's percentage. It means being teammates, not competitors. It means remembering that you are both doing your best. Even when it doesn't feel like enough. And remember before you had your baby, before you had kids, you were a couple first. This one hit me hard Around baby number three, I realized I had become mom. That was my whole entire identity and my husband had become dad. And somewhere along the way we forgot that we were Charlie and Aron first. We were a couple before we were parents. We chose each other before these children ever existed. And if we're not careful, we can lose that. We've become so focused on raising the kids that we forgot to nurture the relationship that started it all. I've seen it happen to friends, to family. The kids grow up and leave, and the parents look at each other and realize that they're strangers that they don't even know who each other are anymore, which reminds me. Another thing that I saw that I found really interesting, when you do manage to go on a date night, and if you can't get a babysitter and you can't actually go out on a date night, try an evening of just the two of you, get the baby to sleep, get the kids to sleep, make it romantic, make it special in some way, and talk about things that are not the children, not the finances, not the house. Talk about the things that you would've spoken about when you first met, the conversations that you don't get to have. Because when the children, the kids grow up and they leave home, you realize that you spent so long being mom and dad, that you forgot how to be husband and wife, And I don't want that for us. I don't want that for you. So as hard as it is, especially in those early years, and believe me, I know, try to remember who you were before, what you loved about each other, what made you laugh. What you dreamed about together, because those things still matter. They're still there. you just have to make space for them. Okay, so let's get practical. What can you actually do in real life with no time and no energy to stay connected? Here are some things that have worked for us. Number one, the daily check-in. This doesn't have to be long. Five minutes maybe while the kettle boils. Just ask each other, what's one thing on your mind today? No logistics. Not who's doing the school run, but how are you actually feeling? It keeps you in each other's world. Number two, say thank you out loud. I know it sounds small, but when you're both running on empty, feeling seen really matters. Thank you for getting up with the baby last night. Thank you for making dinner. Thank you for holding it together today. These tiny acknowledgements, build connection. Number three, protect one moment a week, not a full date night. I know that's not always realistic, but one moment. Maybe it's watching one episode of something together after the kids are in bed. Maybe it's a cup of tea on the sofa with phones away. Maybe it's 10 minutes sitting outside together. Whatever it is, protect it. Make it sacred. Four, take it in turns, giving each other a break. This one's about being proactive. Don't wait for your partner to ask. Say, go take a shower. I've got this, or go for a walk. I'll handle bedtime when support is offered. Not requested. It changes everything. It's not just helpful, it's emotional safety. Number five, revisit your us. Every few months have a conversation. Like I said, that's not about the kids. Talk about your goals, your dreams, your relationship, what's working, what's not. What do you need more of or less of? This isn't about criticism. It's about checking in course correcting, staying close. And number six, apologize quickly. This one took me a while to learn. When you're tired, you snap. You say things you don't mean. The quicker you apologize, the less damage it does. Don't let resentment build. Say, sorry, mean it and move forward. Seven. Physical touch even when you're exhausted. I'm not even talking about intimacy. I'm talking about a hug, a hand on the back, a kiss, goodbye. Physical connection releases oxytocin. It reminds your body and your brain that you're still close, even when everything else feels. Chaotic. If I could go back and tell myself one thing from those early days, it would be this, your marriage is not on pause. I used to think once the baby sleeps through, we'll reconnect. It. Once they're in nursery, we'll have time. I've still got my youngest at home, so it's a good job that I didn't wait for that. Once things calm down, we'll focus on us, but things don't calm down. Life keeps going and it's a blessing that it does. Babies become toddlers. Toddlers become kids with homework and activities and friendship, drama. my point, if you keep waiting for the right time to invest in your relationship, it never comes. You have to make it happen now in the mess, in the exhaustion, in the chaos, not perfectly, just intentionally. I also wish I'd known that it's okay to ask for help. Not just with the baby, but with your relationship. If you're struggling, that doesn't mean that you failed. It means you're human. Talk to someone, a friend, a family member, a professional if you need to. There's no shame in saying we need support. The shame is in letting something beautiful fall apart because you were too proud to ask for help. If you're listening to this and thinking, this is us. We're struggling, we're disconnected, we're barely holding on. I want you to know that you're not alone. So many couples go through this. The transition to parenthood is one of the hardest things a relationship can face, but it doesn't have to be the end. It can be a turning point, a chance to rebuild, to communicate better, to love deeper. You chose each other for a reason, and that reason is still there. It just needs a little space to breathe. Thank you so much for being here with me today. I know this topic can feel heavy, but I also hope. It feels hopeful because the truth is your relationship is worth fighting for. And small, consistent efforts add up one check in at a time. One Thank you at a time. One moment of connection at a time. If this episode resonated with you, I'd love for you to share it. Send it to a friend who's in the trenches of New Parenthood or to your partner. Maybe it'll start a conversation you've been needing to have for a long time. And if you haven't already, make sure you are following the podcast so you don't miss an episode.