Let's Talk Sleep! Newborn Sleep, Your Sleep and the Lack of Sleep

Charlie dives deep into one of the most Googled topics in motherhood: sleep. From what newborn sleep actually looks like (spoiler: it's not what you expect) to the 4-month sleep regression, she shares what she learned across five babies. This episode covers sleep safety essentials, practical survival tips for exhausted mums, and how to cope when you're running on empty — without the judgement.

What You'll Learn

* What newborn sleep really looks like and why your baby isn't broken

* How to help with day-night confusion in the early weeks

* The key sleep safety guidelines every parent needs to know

* Why mum sleep matters and practical ways to protect it

* What the 4-month sleep regression actually is (and how to survive it)

* Seven actionable tips for sleep-deprived mums

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Transcript

0:26

Welcome back to Chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five, and today we are diving into one of the most talked about, worried about, and Googled topics in awe of motherhood. Sleep, baby sleep. Your sleep, the lack of sleep, the obsession with sleep. We are going to cover it all. From what sleep actually looks like in those early weeks because spoiler alert, it's not what you expect to the four months sleep regression that no one prepares you for. Like what even is the four month sleep regression? Do you know? Or do you think, you know, I might shock you with this one. And most important, how to actually cope when you are running on empty, literal, empty. 'cause that is what happens. I'll also be sharing some important sleep safety guidance because I know how much anxiety there is around sleep, around safe sleep, and I was definitely one of those anxious moms. I still am, And I want you to feel informed and confident. So whether you are pregnant and dreading the sleepless nights, or you are in the thick of it right now, wondering if you'll ever feel human again. This one is for you. Let's get into it. Let's start by managing expectations, because I think one of the reasons new moms struggle so much with sleep is that no one told them the truth. And I was completely caught off guard. There were so many people that said to me, enjoy your sleep before baby comes sleep before the baby gets here. And I'm like, what does that even mean? Like, oh. I probably won't sleep as much, but surely I'll have some sleep. How fulled was I? Newborns don't sleep through the night. They're not supposed to. Their tummies are tiny and they need to feed. They literally don't know the difference between day and night at the beginning. So if your baby is waking up every two to three hours, that is completely normal. That's what they're supposed to do. If they're only sleeping in your arms, that's also normal. If they seem to have their days and nights completely backwards. Also normal. I remember with my first, I thought I was doing something wrong. I thought if I just tried harder, read more books. Followed the right routine, my baby would sleep. But the truth is, newborns sleep like newborns and the sooner you accept that, the less you'll fight it. It doesn't mean it's easy, I learned when having my babies after the first one, 'cause that was a shock. But there on, after I learned that, I just had to mentally prepare myself. For the first six weeks, there's no sleep. And if you get a nap, which is what I call it because it's not real sleep, if you get a nap in between, then that is an absolute bonus and you've gotta grab those Naps whenever you can. It doesn't mean that you are failing because it's not easy. It's not easy for anyone. But I think mindset really helps. The one thing that can help with day, night, and night confusion is keeping things bright and active during the day. Open the curtains. Talk to your baby. Don't worry about the noise in the house. That, that's a big one for me. Actually. People that try and keep the house quiet when the baby's sleeping during the day, that never works for me. If it works for you, great. But I think it's healthy to have noise. The vacuum, the washing machine, the TV on people talking in the day when the baby's napping, sleeping around, awake, whatever. So they get used to noise. This is the difference between day and night because they don't know the difference between day and night. It's good to introduce them, show them, so have it bright, like I said, and the noise. Then the nighttime. Naturally things will be a lot quieter. The lights will be dim. You want the lights dim for the baby and for you though as well because it helps you, fall back to sleep as well. You want it quiet. It's a boring feeds in the low light, minimal interaction back to bed. So that's something that I definitely, adopted when doing night feeds. I'm not telling you what to do, but from my experience during the day after feeds, cuddle them, interact with them, talk to them, like sing to them, you know? But at nighttime have minimal interaction. a little cuddle after feeds fine, but feed back to bed, feed change back to bed. Get them into that routine so that they know at nighttime this is what we do. We feed, we go back to sleep. It won't fix things overnight. It's not a quick fix, but it helps your baby start to learn the difference between day and night. And when the routine comes, they will start to then understand, oh, okay, this is what it's like in the day, and this must mean now it's nighttime. Please don't compare your baby to other people's babies as well. In the early days. Or at all. they all develop in their own time. Everyone has their own version of motherhood, their own version of how it should be with their own baby. Nothing is wrong, nothing is right It's your way. This is your way. You are the mom. You are the baby. Please don't compare yourself to anybody else because it steals your own joy. it's not worth it. You know that mom in, the baby group whose baby sleeps through the whole night. She's either exaggerating if it's early on and has a different definition of sleeping through the night, or maybe she just got lucky. But it doesn't mean that you need to put yourself and your baby down. You know, every baby's different. Yours isn't broken. it takes everyone a different amount of time to get to. The routine to find themselves, but certainly for the first six weeks. Zero. Zero routine, zero expectations. Now, before we go any further, I do wanna talk about safe sleep because it's something that haunts every parent, you are right to worry. There's a lot of information out there. it can feel very, very overwhelming. So here are the key guidelines to follow, these are the same ones I go through in detail in my first time on Ultimate Handbook. I do go through safe sleeping, always Place Your Baby. And this is like in line with the NHS from what I know. And what I have done with my babies, please always check up to date safety guidelines on the NHS, but from my experience and from my knowledge of the NHS, always place your baby on their back to sleep every single time for naps and for nighttime. Use a firm flat mattress with a fitted sheet, and they now say, or they did say when I had my last baby, that you should buy a new mattress for every baby. You don't need anything else in the cot other than the sh the fitted sheet and the baby obviously, and a cellular blanket, the ones with holes in, a sleeping bag, no pillows. No duvets, no bumpers, no soft toys. It's not safe. I know the nursery photos on Instagram look cozy with all the extras, but for safe sleep clear is best. Keep your baby in the same room as you for at least the first six months when the baby is sleeping. Always have the baby's feet at the bottom of the cot or the crib, wherever they're sleeping. This is recommended for all sleeps, including daytime naps. Don't let your baby get too hot. A good rule of thumb is to dress them in one more layer than what you would wear yourself. So whatever you are wearing, whatever time of year it is one more layer for them than you. And if you fold your blanket over. To put it over them. That's classed as two layers. I know it's one blanket. Just to bear in mind, if you're folding it over, it's classed as two layers. The ideal room temperature is between 16 and 20 degrees Celsius. You can check baby's temperature by feeling the back of their neck or their tummy not. Their feet or their hands, which are often cooler and most of the time in newborns cold. I think that's to do with their blood circulation. At the, at the beginning, if you're swaddling, make sure you stop. Once baby starts showing signs of rolling, usually around two to three months, that is a guideline. If your baby's not rolling at two to three months, I think mine didn't roll till they were about four. It's okay. It's a guideline. No smoking around baby, which may sound obvious, but this is a big one. Smoking, whether during pregnancy or after significantly increases the risk of sids. SIDS stands for sudden infant death syndrome. personally. maybe a controversial opinion. I have never co-slept with my babies and I really, really would not recommend it. I know everybody's circumstance is different and that people, have different opinions on this. I did speak to a, paramedic once on the topic and the paramedic said to me that co-sleeping is the highest reason. For infant deaths. Baby deaths people don't mean it, but accidents can happen and I personally feel that it's better to have no sleep for a while and for your baby and you to be safe and it will go. I know it's so painful, but for me it's just never, ever been worth it. You do what's good for you, I am not here to judge anyone's sleep choices. But I am here to make sure you have the information to make safe choices yourself. And if you want all of this laid out clearly in one place, it's covered in my first time on Ultimate Handbook. You can find the link, you the show notes. Right. Let's talk about you now, because yes, your baby's sleep matters, but so does yours. Sleep deprivation is no joke. It affects your mood, your patience, your ability to think straight, and yet as moms were expected to push through. So here are some things that actually helped me across five babies. First sleep when your partner is still awake. I talked about this in last week's episode, but it's worth repeating in those early weeks. I would pass out on the sofa from about 8:00 PM until Aran went to bed at around 11:00 PM He told the baby do a feed if needed, and I'd get a solid chunk of sleep. Before the night shift started, those few hours really saved me, gave me the energy boost that I needed. Second, let go of the idea that you need to be productive during naps. I know the dishes, the laundry, the emails, but in those first weeks, your one job is to recover and keep your baby alive. Everything else, literally everything else can wait. If the baby sleeps. You sleep or at least you rest or nap, even lying down with your eyes closed helps. Third, accept help if someone offers to hold the baby so you can nap. Say yes. If your mom wants to come over and do the night feed, let her. You are not a better mom for doing it all alone. You're just a more exhausted one Fourth. Watch out for the mental load. This is something no one talks about enough. Sometimes the baby is asleep. You could be sleeping, but your brain won't switch off. You are running through the to-do lists, worrying about whether the baby is breathing, replaying conversations, planning tomorrow. If this is you, try a brain dump before bed, right? Everything down so it's out of your head. And remind yourself nothing on that list is more important than your rest right now. Now let's talk about the thing that catches so many parents off guard, the four month sleep regression. When you think you are getting into a rhythm, it all falls apart. Your baby who was maybe starting to sleep longer, stretches suddenly starts waking up every hour again. They're fussy. They won't settle. You are losing your mind. You are like, what is going on? And here's what's actually happening. Around four months, your baby's sleep cycles mature. They start cycling between light and deep sleep, more like an adult, which means they're more likely to wake fully between cycles. It's not a regression really, it's a progression. Their brain is developing. But it doesn't feel like progress at 3:00 AM when you're up for the fifth time signs. The four month regression has hit are baby was sleeping, longer stretches, but now wakes up frequently again. They're harder to settle than before. Naps become short and unpredictable. They seem fussier overall, especially around sleep times. So what can you do first? Know that it's temporary. It usually lasts two to six weeks. I know that sounds like forever, but it does end. Second, try to stay consistent with your bedtime routine. Bath feed, dim lights, calm voice. Even if it doesn't seem to be working, you are building associations that will help you in the long run. Third, don't panic and change everything. It's tempting to try a new sleep method, buy a new gadget. Start sleep training overnight. But sometimes the best thing you can do is just ride it out. Your baby isn't broken. Their brain is just doing a lot of work right now. Fourth, tag team with your partner if you can take shifts, even if it's just so one of you can get four hours of unbroken sleep if possible. Four hours can feel like a miracle during this va. Trust me, and finally, get support. If you're really struggling, talk to your health visitor or your gp. If you're feeling overwhelmed, anxious, or like you just can't cope, those are signs that you might need more help than just a good night's sleep. Listen to yourself and how you're feeling. There's no shame in asking for help. I wanna leave you with some actual practical things that you can do when you are deep in the sleep deprivation fog, because sometimes you just need someone to tell you what to do. I know I do sometimes. One, get outside in the morning. Natural light helps regulate you and your baby. Even 10 minutes in the garden or a short walk around the block makes such difference. It also helps with your mood. Fresh air and daylight are underrated medicine. Two, stay hydrated. When you're exhausted, your body craves energy. and often that shows up as thirst. Keep a water bottle with you at all times, especially if you're breastfeeding. Three, eat proper meals. I know it's hard, but skipping meals makes the exhaustion worse. Even if it's toast and peanut butter. Eat something, batch cook if you can before baby arrives. I did loads of that, froze loads of meals. Even put into smaller portions, so I'd got ready meals except meal drop-offs from family and friends. This is not the time for perfection. Four. Lower your standards seriously. Now the house doesn't need to be tidy. You don't need to reply to everyone's message. You don't need to be bouncing back. You need to survive this season. That's it. Five. Connect with other moms, whether it's a text, a voice note, or a mom group. Talking to someone who gets it really, really helps. You're not the only one awake at 2:00 AM wondering if you'll ever feel normal again. There's something so powerful. About knowing that you're not on your own six, remind yourself that this is temporary, and I know it doesn't feel like it at the time when you are in the thick of it, it feels absolutely endless, but I promise you it does pass after five babies. I can tell you no stage lasts forever and don't get me wrong. When one stage finishes, the next stage is generally waiting for you, each phase is hard, but also beautiful, and it does pass in time. The sleepless nights will end. You will feel like yourself again. You will sleep again. Seven, be kind to yourself. You're doing something absolutely incredible. And incredibly hard too. You're keeping a tiny human alive while running on broken sleep. That takes strength, that takes resilience, and that takes love. So if you snapped at your partner, cried over nothing, forgot to eat lunch, that's okay. You're not failing at anything. You are surviving, and that's enough. Sleep is such a loaded topic for new moms. There's so much pressure, so much comparison, so much fear. I hope this episode made you feel a little more informed, a little more prepared, and a lot less alone. If you want more support with your first year of motherhood, don't forget to check out my first Time Mom Ultimate Handbook. It covers sleep safety, baby admin milestones within the first 12 months and so much more. You'll find the link in the show notes, and if this episode helped you, please share it with a pregnant friend or a new mom who might need to hear it too.