Boundaries for Busy Moms: Why you need them & How to Start Today!

You can love being a mum and still need space to breathe.

In this episode, Charlie dives into something that could genuinely change your entire experience of motherhood: boundaries.

Not the aggressive, wall-building kind. The gentle, honest, "this is what I need" kind.

We're talking about why we don't set them (hello guilt, people-pleasing, and fear), why we desperately need them, and exactly how to start — without the crushing guilt that makes you want to take it all back five minutes later.

If you've ever said yes when you meant no, let someone hold your baby when every fibre of you wanted to say "not right now," or answered the door to visitors when you hadn't eaten all day — this one's for you

🔔 Something new is coming at the end of May to help moms with exactly this. Follow @charliesparentingpages on Instagram to be the first to know.

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Transcript

0:27

Hello and welcome back to chat with Charlie on Mom Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five with kids ages from 11 down to two. Firstly, I just wanna thank you for being here every single week for every episode, for showing up for yourself, and for listening to chat with Charlie. Mom Matters podcast. I'm so glad that we're taking this journey together. So today's episode, we're talking about something that I genuinely believe could change your entire experience of motherhood. We're talking about boundaries. Now, before you skip ahead and think, I already know that I need boundaries. Stay with me because this episode isn't just about knowing that you need them. It's about giving yourself permission to actually set them, and more importantly, it's about you walking through exactly how to do it without that crushing guilt that makes you want to take it all back five minutes later. Because here's the thing that I think no one tells you. You can know that you need boundaries and still feel like a terrible person for actually setting them for yourself. So if you ever said yes, when you meant no, if you ever let someone hold your baby, when every fiber of your being wanted to say not right now. If you ever answered the door to visitors when you were still in yesterday's pajamas and hadn't eaten, this one is for you. So let's get into it. Okay. So let's start with the real stuff. Why we don't set boundaries. Because if it was easy, we'd all be doing it already, right? I think for most moms. And I include myself in this. It comes down to a few things. The first one is a big one, one that we're all very familiar with, and that's guilt. We feel guilty for prioritizing ourselves. We've been conditioned to believe that being a good mom means putting everyone else first all the time. So when we even think about saying no, there's this little voice that whispers. what kind of mom does that make you? And I wanna tell you something right now, that voice is lying to you. Secondly, we are people pleasers I can see you nodding at this. So many of us grew up learning that our job is to keep the peace. To make everybody comfortable not to rock the boat. And then we become moms and suddenly everyone has an opinion about how we should be doing things and we just absorb it because saying, actually, I'd prefer it if you didn't do that. Feels confrontational. It feels rude. It feels like we're being difficult. But here's what I've learned after five babies, being easy, often comes at the cost of your mental health. Third, we don't even know what our boundaries are. Isn't that a funny one to digest? Just think about that for a second. Do you even know. What your boundaries are. cause this one took me years to realize I was so busy reacting to everyone else's needs that it never stopped to ask myself, what do I actually need? What's okay with me and what's not? If you've never been asked that question before, then I'm asking you right now. Take a minute to answer. And fourth is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of being judged for setting those boundaries. Fear that people will stop loving us if we're not constantly available. Constantly accommodating, constantly saying yes. But here's the truth that I want you to sit with the people who love you. They'll adjust and the people who don't, they were never respecting you in the first place. So now let's flip it. Why do we need boundaries? Why are they important? Because without them. You'll burn out, period. Full stop. The end. I see this all the time with moms. I support. They're exhausted. They're overwhelmed, they're touched out. They're running on empty. And when we dig into it, it almost always comes back to the same thing they've been saying. Yes to everyone except themselves. Boundaries aren't about being selfish, they're about being sustainable. Let me say that again. Boundaries are not selfish. They are sustainable. Think about it this way. If you are constantly pouring from an empty cup, eventually, naturally, there's nothing left, not for you. Not for your baby, not for your partner, not for anyone. when the cup is empty, it's empty for everyone. But when you protect your time, your energy, your mental space, you actually have more to give. You are more present. You are calmer, and you are actually happier. And here's the other thing. Your children are watching you When you set boundaries, you are modeling something incredibly powerful for them. You are teaching them that it's okay to say no, that their needs actually matter, that they don't have to abandon themselves to be loved. That's a gift that will last. Their entire lives an important gift. And finally, and this one's important, boundaries are an act of self respect. When you set boundaries, you're saying, I matter two. And you do. You really, really do. Now, I think part of the reason that boundaries feel so scary is because we've got this idea of them being aggressive like walls, like you are shutting people out. But that's not what boundaries are. Boundaries are simply the line between what's okay for you. And what's not okay for you. They're not about controlling other people. You can't do that anyway. You literally can't control anyone else. They're about being clear on what you need and communicating it. A boundary might sound like I'd love visitors, but not this week. I'll let you know when we we're ready. Please don't give me advice unless I ask for it. I need 20 minutes to myself when my partner gets home before I can be fully present. See how gentle that is. It's not aggressive, it's not rude, it's just honest And honestly, most of the time people respect that they might be surprised at first, especially if you are always the person that says yes, but they will adjust pretty quickly. It might take them aback like whoa, at first, because they're not used to you talking like that. But that's what boundaries are. They're getting people used to how you want them to treat you, and that's what you have to do in life. You have to teach people how they are allowed to treat you, that is boundaries. if they don't accept that version of you, that tells you everything you need to know about that person. Okay, so this is the bit you've been waiting for, the how. I'm gonna walk you through a really simple process you can start using today, like literally today. To set your boundaries. Step one, get clear on what you actually need. What are your boundaries? I know this sounds so obvious, but so many of us skip this step. We're so used to focusing on what everyone else needs that we forget to ask what we actually need. So here's your homework. Take five minutes today, just five minutes. And write down three things that are draining you right now. Three things that make you feel resentful or exhausted. Maybe it's visitors showing up unannounced. Maybe it's your mom making comments about how you are feeding the baby. Maybe it's your partner expecting dinner on the table when you've been holding a newborn all day. Whatever it is, write it down because once you name it, you can address it. Step two, decide what you want instead. For each of those three things, write down what you would prefer, what would actually feel supported. This is your boundary. You're not being demanding. You're just being clear. Step three, use the I Statement formula. This is the magic script. When you need to set a boundary, use this structure. I feel whatever emotion you're feeling when then the situation I need. And then you say what you need. So for example, I feel overwhelmed when visitors come without notice. I need people to text me first so I can let them know if it's a good time. Example. Two. I feel anxious when I get unsolicited advice. I need support, not suggestions unless I ask for it. It is simple. It's not aggressive, and it puts the focus on your experience, not blaming the other person. Step four, prepare for pushback, but don't let it stop you. Here's the hard truth. Not everyone's going to love your boundaries. Some people might get annoyed or frustrated. Some might try to guilt trip you. Some might say, Hmm, you've changed and you know what? You have changed. You've become a mom who knows her worth. When that happens, you can simply say. I understand this is different and this is what I need right now. You don't need to overexplain, you don't need to justify. You just need to hold your ground. Step five, deal with the guilt because it will come. You can set your boundaries perfectly. The other person can respect her completely, and you will still feel guilty. That's normal, completely normal. Guilt is just your brain catching up with a new way of being. I've been learning a lot about the subconscious mind lately, and I learned that the subconscious mind controls 95% of what we do, how we think. So if we've always thought a certain way and we haven't set these boundaries, our subconscious mind still thinks that that old way is the right way, and that's where the guilt comes from. But here's what helped me. I started asking myself, is this guilt because I've actually done something wrong? Or is this guilt because I'm doing something different? Nine times outta 10 is the second one. You are not a bad person for having needs. You're not a bad mom for protecting your peace. The guilt is just the old conditioning you trying to put you back into the people pleasing mode that you were before. So when that guilt shows up and it will, I want you to thank it. Genuinely say, thanks for trying to protect me, but I'm safe and this boundary is good for me. cause that's the job of the subconscious mind. It stores our old memories in order to keep us. Safe, what it thinks of us as safe. So by setting something new, it's okay to tell yourself, tell your mind that this is something new and it's good, and I am safe. It sounds a bit crazy. I know, but it does work. Speak to yourself nicely. Speak to yourself positively. It makes such a difference the more you practice, the quieter that guilt becomes. I promise you that before we wrap up, I wanna give you a few real life examples of boundaries you might want to set, because sometimes the hardest part is just knowing where to start with visitors. It's a big one for me. We are not taking visitors for the first two weeks. We'll reach out when we're ready with your partner. I need 15 minutes when you get home to hand over the baby and just breathe. Before we talk about or do anything else with your mom or mother-in-law, I really appreciate your experience and right now I need to figure this out my own way. If I need advice, I will ask with yourself. I'm allowed to rest when the baby rests instead of cleaning the house. And you are. You are allowed. That last one's important. Sometimes the boundaries we need the most are the ones that we set for ourselves. You don't have to do it all. You don't have to be everything to everyone all of the time. You just have to show up for yourself. One small boundary at a time. So let me leave you with this. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to have needs. You're allowed to say, this doesn't work for me. Setting boundaries doesn't make you difficult. It makes you a mom who knows her worth so important. And when you protect your energy, you have more to give to the people who matter most, including yourself. So here's my challenge for you this week. Set one boundary. Just one. It doesn't have to be big. It doesn't have to be perfect. Just one. Honest. This is what I need moment. And then come tell me about it. Send me a DM on Instagram, Charlie's parenting pages. I genuinely want to hear how it goes. This episode resonated with you. Please share it with a mom who needs to hear it. Screenshot it, pop it on your stories. Tag me. Let's get this message out there. Let's get mom's setting boundaries. And if you haven't already, make sure you're subscribed so you don't miss the next episode. Thank you for being here and giving me your time. I'll see you next time.