"I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore" — Reclaiming Your Identity as a Mom

Do you ever catch your reflection and wonder where YOU went? In this episode, Charlie opens up about the exact moment she realized she'd lost herself — standing in her kitchen during lockdown, surrounded by chaos, and crying because she couldn't recognize the woman staring back at her.

If you've ever felt like you're "just mom" and nothing else, this one's for you.

Charlie shares why this happens to almost every mom (and why it's NOT a character flaw), plus practical ways to start noticing who you want to become again — without going back to who you were before kids.

In this episode:

* The moment Charlie realized she'd lost herself after 5 babies

* Why identity loss happens to almost every mom (and why it's a phase, not a life sentence)

* How to start noticing the "breadcrumbs" back to you

* The mindset shift that changed everything

* How to put your mom guilt on trial

* A sneak peek into Module 1 of Back to Me

Resources mentioned:

* Back to Me — Charlie's 5-week programme: Learn more https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages/p/back-to-me--34toq9xg

* The Identity Audit (included in Back to Me)

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Stay connected with Charlie

Website: https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages (Mum Matters Community & all other tools for motherhood)

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A new episode is released every Sunday!

Transcript

0:26

Hello lovely, and welcome back to Chat with Charlie on Mum Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five. And if you're new here, I am so glad that you have found me. Today's episode is one I've been wanting to do for a while. It's called I Don't Know Who I Am Anymore, and if that title made you stop scrolling, then you're in the right place, and I'm glad you're here This one's going to be really honest, and I hope by the end of it you feel a little less alone, and maybe, just maybe, a little more hopeful about what comes next for you. So grab your tea or your coffee, your moment of peace, wherever you are, and let's get into it I remember many moments during being a mom where I felt like I'd lost myself, and one of them was definitely during COVID, during lockdown. My kids were everywhere. The house was loud. Toys were on the floor, dishes in the sink. Someone was crying. Can't remember who. Probably me, to be honest And I was standing in my kitchen, 'cause that's where I am most of the time. Just standing there though, and I caught my reflection in the window, and I didn't recognize who I was looking at. Didn't know who I was anymore, not physically. I mean, I knew it was me, but something behind my eyes was just gone. And I just started crying. Not because anything terrible had happened, not because anyone had said anything to me. Because in that moment I realized I had no idea who I was anymore I wasn't Charlie. I was just Mom. There's nothing wrong with that. Like, I'm not ungrateful for the mom that I am. I wanted to be a mom, the whole of my life, and it's my greatest achievement. But there's really something about looking at yourself and, and not actually knowing who else you are other than that. I was the one that made the lunches, the one who did the school run, who cleaned up, sorted out, held it together But the woman I used to be, the one with dreams and energy and lots of opinions that weren't just about nap times and nap schedules and what's for dinner, she felt like a stranger And the scariest part about all of that, I couldn't even remember when exactly I'd lost her. It wasn't one moment, like I said, there's many moments where I felt like that, but it was a slow fade, bit by bit, baby by baby, year by year Until one day I, I looked up and thought, Where did I go?" If you've ever felt like that, that quiet ache of not recognizing yourself, I really want you to know something. I think this happens to many of us as moms, and it's really not that you're ungrateful for being a mom or anything that you've had for your kids, for your baby. You're not a bad mom for feeling like that. I think it's a very normal feeling. You're just a woman who's been pouring from an empty cup for so long, you forgot that you're allowed to fill it back up again And here's what I wish someone had told me back then. This really does happen to almost every mom, like almost every single one. It's not a flaw. It's not failure. It's just a phase. And I don't say that to, to minimize it, to shrink it, because it feels massive when you're in it. But I say it because you need to hear there is nothing wrong with you. Think about it. From the moment you become a mom, everything shifts, your body, your sleep, or lack of, your time, your priorities, your relationships, your identity You go from being a woman with a name, with interests, with a life that was completely yours to being someone's everything overnight. And there, there really is something extremely magical about being someone's everything But society tells us we should love every second of it, that we should just feel grateful, that wanting something for ourselves is selfish So we push it down. We keep going. We tell ourselves, "When things calm down, I'll focus on me. When the kids grow up, I'll focus on me." But things don't calm down, do they? At least they don't in, in my experience. There's always another phase, another need, another reason to wait. And before you know it, years have passed, and you're standing in your kitchen crying because you don't know who you are anymore This is not a character flaw in you. This is what happens when you give everything and keep nothing for yourself. And the first step to changing it is recognizing that this is a phase, not a life sentence. You can come back to yourself, I promise you, because I did it. After five babies, I did. I came back to myself So how do you start to come back to yourself? Here's what I want you to understand first, and this was a game changer for me I thought for a really, really long time, and this is, I think this is, was a massive part of my frustration. I thought that I wanted to and I needed to go back to who I was before kids. that's where I was trying to get. I was getting very frustrated because of all the things that I couldn't do anymore because I was a mom, and those things that I couldn't do were all the things that I was free to do before having kids But the reality here is that you're not going back to who you were before kids. That version of you, she doesn't actually fit in your life anymore. And honestly, she shouldn't have to The goal isn't to go backwards, it's to bring the best parts of her forward into the life that you have now. The dreams, the spark, the things that made you feel alive, those didn't disappear. They just got buried under the nappies and the night feeds and the mental load. So here's what I want you to try. First, start noticing, not fixing, not changing, just noticing. When do you feel most like yourself? Even if it's just a flicker. Is it when you're alone in the car with your music on? Is it that five minutes in the morning before anyone gets up? Is it when you're laughing with a friend? Start paying attention to those moments because those tiny sparks, they're clues. They're the, the sort of breadcrumbs back to you. Second, ask yourself some honest questions. What did I love doing before kids that I've completely stopped doing since having kids? What would I do with a free hour if no one needed anything from me? Now, I think we're all hoping for that free hour to do something for ourselves and, "Oh, I never have any time." That's, you know, it's a common line that a lot of moms... I hear a lot of moms say. I hear myself saying it. But if you had that hour, what would you actually do with it? Do you even know? Ask yourself that. What parts of the old me do I actually miss? Because I think we spend a lot of time trying to get back to that old version. But is it sort of reminiscing on how you were, or do you actually miss parts? You don't have to answer right away. Just sit with the questions. I bet you've never asked yourself these questions before. Let them breathe. Third, protect micro moments that are just yours. I know you don't have hours. I know you barely have minutes. I get it. Believe me. But even five minutes counts. When you take five minutes uninterrupted just for yourself, it's actually quite significant Having your breakfast in silence. I try to do that every morning, and it's It really is a game changer. A podcast on your walk. I can recommend one. Music in the car. A workout before anyone wakes up or it if you're working from home, in your lunch hour, something that's just yours. These aren't luxuries. They're actually lifelines. They're how you start building yourself back in. And here's the mindset shift that changed everything for me. I stopped waiting for when things calm down because they really never do. Instead, I started creating tiny pockets of space, and I protected them fiercely. Fourth, here's one that I love. Put your mom guilt on trial. Every time that mom guilt creeps in, and it will, it does, I want you to ask yourself one question Is this guilt because of something I actually value or is it just noise? Nine times out of 10, it's noise. And what do I mean by that? I mean, is it something that you actually value in your parenting, what you're teaching your kids, what you value in your parenting journey, or is it something that you've heard from somewhere else? It's something that someone else values from society, from moms in the playground Noise is society telling you that you want something for yourself Noise is society telling you that wanting something for yourself makes you a bad mum. And let me tell you, it doesn't. It literally just doesn't. I teach all about mum guilt, getting it under control, and putting that mum guilt on trial so that you can actually eliminate it in Back To Me Everything I just shared with you, this is exactly what I teach inside Back To Me most of it is from the very first step. It's called reclaiming your identity, and it's where we start. Because you can't build a life that has room for you if you don't even know who you are anymore. Inside step one, I walk you through something called the identity audit. It's a way of reconnecting with who you were. Not to go back to her, but to understand what parts of her you are bringing forward into your mom life right now. We look at your values, your spark, the things that made you feel like you, and we figure out how to weave them back into your life as a mom, without guilt, without waiting, and without losing the mom that you've become Because here's what I believe with my whole heart You don't have to choose between being a good mom and being yourself. You can have both, and that's what Back to Me is all about. I'm so passionate about Back to Me, and the reason I created it is because this was such a journey for me to get back to myself, and I wanna help every single mom that I can do the same. If this episode resonated with you, if you're sitting there thinking, "Yes, this is exactly how I feel," then I'd love for you to check it out. It's a five-week program. It's not about adding more to your plate, it's about finally making room for you on your plate. You can find the link in the show notes or you can send me a DM on Instagram, Charlie's Parenting Pages, and I'll send you everything you need Thank you so much for being here today. I really hope this one landed for you, and I hope it makes you feel a little bit less alone and more seen and maybe even a little more hopeful that the way you're feeling right now isn't permanent, because it's not. You can come back to yourself. I did, and I believe that you can too Thank you so much for listening, and I'll see you next time