Why You Still Feel Lost After 3 Kids (And What to Do About It)

Had two, three, maybe four kids and thought you'd have it figured out by now? This episode is your permission slip to stop pretending.

In this episode, I'm getting honest about why more kids often means more chaos, not more confidence — and what it actually looks like to start finding yourself again when your schedule is bursting and you've got zero hours that belong to you.

What we cover:

* Why experience doesn't automatically mean you've got it together

* The myth that motherhood should get easier with practice (and why that voice is lying to you)

* How every child brings a completely new identity shift — and why we never give ourselves space to process it

* The moment in my kitchen that broke me open (and woke me up)

* Tiny reclamations: how I started building myself back in without spa days or solo trips

* How to put your mum guilt on trial and separate real guilt from noise

This episode is for you if:

* You've had multiple kids and feel more lost than ever

* You're wondering when you'll finally feel like yourself again

* You're tired of advice that doesn't fit your real life

* You're ready to stop waiting for "when things calm down"

Mentioned in this episode:

* Back to Me — my 5-week programme for moms ready to feel like themselves again. Learn more https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages/p/back-to-me--34toq9xg

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Transcript

0:26

Hello, and welcome back to Chat with Charlie on Mum Matters. I'm Charlie, mom of five. And if you are listening to this episode, the chances are you've had two, three, maybe four kids, and you're sitting there thinking, "Surely by now I should have figured this out." Maybe you thought after your first baby things would just click. Then your second came, and you told yourself, "Okay, now I'll find my rhythm." And now you're three kids deep, and you're more lost than ever. If that's you, you are exactly where you need to be right now. This episode was made for you So let's just get started by saying the thing that no one tells you. More kids doesn't necessarily mean more confidence. It often means more chaos. And I say that with so much love because I have lived it, and I am obsessed with my kids. After my first baby, I thought I was struggling because it was new, because I didn't know what I was doing yet. I was kind of, what is it we say, winging it, if you like. I told myself to like, you know, give it time. You'll figure it out I had baby number two pretty quickly after baby number one. And yes, it was chaotic. I really did enjoy having them so close together, which I think is a very, very personal preference depending on your experience with baby number one. But instead of feeling more confident, essentially, There were aspects where I felt more confident, but I felt more stretched, more invisible. I was like on autopilot just doing everything, more like a, a machine, just keeping everyone alive. By baby three, four, five, I wasn't struggling because I was new anymore. there was a lot of things by this point I was a pro at, but I was struggling because I'd given so much of myself away that I genuinely didn't know who was left And here's what I think no one actually prepares you for With each child, you don't just add to your workload, you add to the number of people who need you to show up, to be present, to pour out. And that might sound quite obvious But it's gradual. As you have another baby, you know, I always found that I just found my rhythm with what I had, and then every baby we had, I wanted. I was so excited to have another baby. But it does shift your rhythm, and you're sort of starting again because you've now got to fit a new person into the family rhythm that you've just established So just because you have more experience and you're struggling with that, it doesn't mean that you're failing now you still feel lost, but you're feeling lost because you've been pouring out for so long without ever refilling The mom who's drowning, she's valid The mom of three who's drowning, also valid. Maybe even more so because she's been treading water for years now This isn't about comparing struggles, it's about acknowledging that experience doesn't automatically mean that you've got it together. And I also don't think the answer is, "Well, if you can't manage, don't have more kids." I really don't think that because it took me a while to find my rhythm, but I could not be without any of my children. Every single one of them fills my heart and our family It's just about finding yourself amongst all that chaos and building that confidence. you can know how to change a nappy in the dark, make school lunches in your sleep, and manage three different schedules, and still have absolutely no idea who you are anymore. And that can go for however many children you have Now let's talk about this myth, this pressure, this voice in your head that says, "You've done this before. Why is it still so hard?" I want you to really hear me on this one Even turn the volume up. That voice, that voice is lying to you. Somewhere along the way, we absorb this idea that motherhood is supposed to get easier with practice, that by your second or third child, you should feel completely settled, confident, like you've finally cracked the code. But here's what actually happens. With each child, you don't just repeat the same experience. you go through an entirely new identity shift every single time. When you become a mom for the first time, you're learning how to be a mom. You're like this new person that you've never been before. When you have your second, you're learning how to be a mom of two, which is a completely different role. By your third, fourth, fifth, you're not just adding a child, you're redefining who you are again. And the problem is, we never give ourselves the space to process those shifts. We just keep moving, keep surviving. so if you're sitting there feeling like you should have it all together by now and you don't, that's not a sign that you're doing it wrong. That's just a sign that you've been so busy being everything to everyone that you never got a chance to come back to yourself I remember during lockdown, and I have shared this before, I stood in my kitchen and burst into tears, not because of anything dramatic had happened, because I looked around at my life and thought, Who even am I anymore?" I had four children at that point, years of experience, and I'd never felt more disconnected from myself. I think a lot of people probably reflected on themselves during lockdown. It was a really weird time But that moment broke something in me, or maybe it just woke something up, because I realized no amount of time or experience was going to bring me back to myself. I had to actively choose to do that work, and that's exactly what I want you to hear today You're not behind in life or parenting. You're not the only mom of three or four or five who feels like she doesn't have it together. You just haven't been given permission to focus on you yet Until now So what's it actually look like to start finding yourself when you've got three or more kids, even two kids, a schedule that's bursting at the seams? work even on top of that, and approximately zero hours in the day that belong to you. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you to book a spa day or take a solo trip or just ask for help, because if you're anything like I was, that advice makes you wanna throw your phone across the room quite frankly. The truth is, coming back to yourself doesn't start with grand gestures. It starts with tiny moments of reclaiming yourself. Here's what that looks like for me. First, I stopped chasing the woman I was before kids. She's gone, and honestly, she doesn't fit into my life anymore. Instead, I started asking what parts of her do I want to bring into my life now? My dreams, the energy, the spark. Not all of her, just the pieces that still feel like me. Second, I started protecting micro moments, not hours, not even 30 minutes, sometimes just five Breakfast in silence after the school run Moments of peace when baby was napping. Just like five minutes to just take a few deep breaths. These aren't luxuries. They're lifelines that help you come back to who you are. and third, and this is a big one, I started looking at my day, my week, and putting small pockets of time that were just for me, time that could not be interrupted Time that, and I know you might be sitting there thinking, "I don't have that time," but I promise you, you do. It's something that I teach in Back To Me how to find that time, how to challenge yourself And then slowly, one tiny habit at a time, I started to build myself back in. Not going back to who I was But coming back to who I am this is all exactly what I teach inside Back to Me, my five-week program that I created after five babies, after that breakdown in my kitchen, after years of feeling like a stranger in my own l- own life. Back to Me isn't about adding more to your plate. It's about creating a system so your mom life works with you instead of against you. So there's actually room for you in your own schedule. And I do go through your schedule and help you go through your schedule to put yourself back in there. Inside the program, we work through How to reconnect with who you are without losing yourself as the mom you've become. How to release the guilt that's been running your life forever. How to build simple habits that stick without starting over every single Monday. How to stop waiting for when the kids grow up and start building yourself in back right now. Because here's the truth I wish someone had told me years ago: things don't calm down. Life doesn't hand you a gap, a magical gap. You have to create it, and you can, even with three kids, even with chaos, even when you feel like you've got nothing left to give. You just need the right system and someone in your corner who gets it, and that's what Back to Me is If this episode hit home for you, if you're the mom of three or two or four or five who's been wondering when she's finally gonna feel like herself again, I want you to know You're not too far gone. You're not too busy. you're not too deep in motherhood to come back to yourself you're exactly right where you're supposed to be. You are ready, and I am here with you. If you wanna learn more about Back to Me, you can find the link in the show notes, or just send me a message. I'd love to hear from you. Thank you for listening, and thank you so much for being here, for giving me your most precious, precious asset, your time. I'll see you in the next one