Why do you feel alone in a room full of people? Mom Loneliness Explained

Ever sat in a room full of people — your kids, your partner, maybe even friends — and still felt completely alone?

In this episode, I'm talking about the kind of loneliness no one prepares you for. The kind that has nothing to do with how many people are around you, and everything to do with how disconnected you feel from yourself.

I'm sharing my own story of losing my sense of identity after becoming a mom, why friendships feel so different now, and what I've learnt after five babies about where that loneliness really comes from.

In This Episode:

* Why you can be touched all day and still feel unseen

* My experience of "disappearing" from my old life after having my first baby

* Why friendships shift after kids (and why that's okay)

* The real root of mom loneliness — and it's not what you think

* One small shift that helps you start reconnecting with yourself

Mentioned in This Episode:

* The Identity Audit (inside Back to Me)

* Back to Me — my 5-week programme for moms ready to feel like themselves again. Learn more https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages/p/back-to-me--34toq9xg

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Website: https://stan.store/Charliesparentingpages (Mum Matters Community & all other tools for motherhood)

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A new episode is released every Sunday!

Transcript

0:26

Hello, and welcome back to Chat with Charlie on Mum Matters. Today, I wanna talk about something that doesn't get said loud enough That feeling of being surrounded by people, your kids, your partner, maybe even friends, and still feeling completely alone. If you've ever sat at a family dinner or a play date or even in your own living room and thought, "Why do I feel so disconnected?" I want you to know that there's nothing wrong with you there, and you're definitely not the only one Loneliness in motherhood is, is real, and it's not your fault. It's something that I think a lot of us feel. I think we assume loneliness means being physically alone. Like, if you have kids climbing on you 24/7 and a partner who's home every night, how could you possibly be lonely? But that's not how it works. You can be touched all day by kids and still feel unseen. You can be needed constantly and still feel like no one really knows you anymore. That kind of loneliness isn't about the people around you, it's about the distance between who you are now and who you used to be. It's about feeling like the old you just disappeared, and the people who knew that version of you don't quite know how to reach this one I felt this quite significantly after my first baby. Before I became a mom, I worked in the corporate world, drinks after work, dinners with friends, date nights whenever I wanted. Me and my husband got married before quite a few of our friends did. We were the first in our circle to have a baby And I remember one friend saying to me, like, "You literally just got married, had a baby, and disappeared. We don't see you anymore." And I remember thinking, I didn't disappear. I just entered a new phase of life. I couldn't just drop everything and hang out anymore, and quite honestly, I didn't want to. What my friends were doing didn't align with who I was becoming. But here's where I think it got confusing. I'd still daydream about going out with all my friends. I'd reminisce about my teens, my 20s, that version of me who could just be spontaneous. I held onto that for a really long time. But the actual thought of actually physically going out the way I used to, it, it just felt kind of off, like it wasn't me anymore And that's when the loneliness hit the hardest because I didn't fit with my old life, but I didn't fully know who I was in this new one either So I just wanna talk about that. Why do friendships feel so different after you become a mom? And there's a few reasons. First, your availability changes. You're not spontaneous anymore. You can't just say yes to plans without thinking about naps, bedtime, childcare, your own energy levels Second, your priorities change. Things that used to matter, like going out every weekend, might not feel important anymore. That doesn't mean that something's wrong with you. It, it means that you're evolving naturally And third, there's often a gap between you and friends who aren't in the same stage of life. If your friends are still single or don't have kids yet, things you're going through can feel hard to explain or relate to. They still love you the same, but they don't fully get it. And why would they? And sometimes, even with mom friends, there's still a disconnect because everyone's just so tired and stretched thin that conversation stays surface level. You talk about the kids, but you never really talk about you, what you're struggling with, what you're dreaming about, what you've lost And here's what I've learned after having all my babies. The loneliness isn't just about friendships. It's actually deeper than that. It's about identity. When you don't know who you are anymore, it's really hard to feel connected to anyone because you're not even connected to yourself You show up to the play date, but you feel like you're playing a role. You talk to your partner, but you don't know how to explain what's going on inside you. You scroll through old photos of yourself and feel like you're looking at someone else Do you ever feel like that? Like, the person that you were before having your kids, your baby, like that, all of that happened to a, a completely different person, like it was another lifetime. I actually feel like that quite a lot. But that's not a friendship problem. That's an identity gap, and until you close that gap, that feeling of loneliness will follow you no matter how many people are around you So I wanna talk to you about what do you actually do about it And here's what I want you to take away from today, just one small thing. Stop trying to go back. Start figuring out who you are now. That old version of you, she was great, but she's not the answer. You can't squeeze yourself back into a life that doesn't fit anymore. And honestly, you probably don't even want to What you need is to meet the woman that you are becoming or the woman that you have become. That starts with asking yourself some really honest questions. Not who was I before kids, but who do I want to be now? And even if you're not at the beginning of motherhood, even if you've got a few kids, it's still a very, very relevant question What fills you up these days? What drains you? What do you actually enjoy? Not what do you think you should enjoy. There's a difference there, and it's really important that you get the right question. What do you actually enjoy? What genuinely makes you feel like yourself? Inside Back to Me, this is one of the first things I walk through. It's called the identity audit. It's not about going backward. It's about getting clear on who you are right now, so you can build from there. It's like a starting point because when you know yourself again, connection stops feeling so hard. You stop feeling like you're performing, like you're trying to be someone that you're not. You start showing up as you, the real you, and that's who people actually want to connect with So if you're listening to this and you're nodding along, I just want you to know that you're not alone in feeling alone. That sounds like a contradiction, but it's true. So many moms feel this way, And it's not because you've done anything the wrong way or you should be who you were before or you've taken a wrong path. It's because motherhood changes you and no one really prepares you for that fully But you can find your way back, not to who you were, but to who you are becoming. If you want help with that, Back to Me is where I teach everything I've learned, the identity audit, managing mom guilt, building yourself back in one tiny habit at a time. It's a slow process, but it's a meaningful one. you can find out more in the show notes or DM me, and I'll send you the details Just remember that becoming a mom is probably one of the biggest life changes in your whole life, and there's no right or wrong way to do it. You are you. You're just a different version of you, and that is actually really, really exciting. I think A lot of us, I know I did, we get lost in actually just knowing who we are, the identity. Like, who are we now? What do we enjoy? And it's a lot of questions that we don't actually ask ourselves. So I want you to start asking yourself these questions. Because once you find yourself and you discover who you are, you can enjoy everything. You can enjoy motherhood more so, and you can enjoy you as well, just as you are. Thank you so much for being here. I am so grateful that you give me your time and that we can go on this mom journey together. I'll see you on the next one