The Mothers We Had And The Mothers We Became

Mother’s Day can be beautiful and brutal in the same breath, and we wanted to make space for both. We start with a simple prayer and then follow the shift we felt in real time: talking about our moms, the mother figures who shaped us, and the grief that lives under the surface for so many women. One of us shares the story of losing a mom to cancer and what it was like to care for her through intense pain, plus the haunting realization that you can forget a parent’s voice when you have no recordings left. 

From there, we talk honestly about the quiet kind of distance that can exist even when your mom is a good person. What happens when you love your mom but don’t feel close, and now your faith is the biggest part of your life? We wrestle with how hard it can be to invite family into Christian community without sounding preachy, and we name the reality that people often reject Christianity because they’re looking for perfection they’ll never find. We also touch on mental health, regret, and the slow work of repairing trust after years of hurt. 

Then we get practical about Christian motherhood and parenting boundaries. We talk strict parenting, the temptation to be your child’s best friend, and why being “mom first” can be the most loving choice. We close with a blunt but needed conversation about body shaming, generational patterns, and choosing to speak life over our kids in a world that already critiques them. If this resonates, subscribe to Lyric In The Light, share it with a friend who needs it, and leave a review. What part of your motherhood journey are you still trying to make peace with?

Transcript

Warm Open With New Microphones

SPEAKER_03 0:29

Hello again. Good morning. Welcome back to the Lyric in the Light. We're trying some new audio today, guys. So hopefully you'll be able to hear Dion sounding like she's actually right next to me instead of down a hallway or hopefully you won't pick up on my breathing too much. We're trying new microphones. So give us grace. Mine is really close. Yours is like mid-chesticle. And mine is all right. I'm gonna move mine a little away a little bit too. That way y'all don't sound like too loud. Too loud. Yeah. Well, I'm just glad we can hear you again. Hopefully. I'm here. You're here. I haven't just been calling in. You haven't been turning in. Yeah. Shouting from down the hall in the bathroom, in the loom. Dion coming live from the toilet. Okay.

Prayer For Mothers And Hidden Grief

SPEAKER_03 1:22

Well, before we get talking into toilets, let's uh let's pray, shall we? Who's up? Is it um pray it isn't? Okay, good. You didn't see me. I was touching my nose. Go ahead, nut it. Okay. Father God, thank you for this time together. Thank you for actually a beautiful weekend that has just passed. And we are recording this one after Mother's Day weekend. And we do realize, Father, that especially after yesterday, I realized how much pain and hurt actually comes out of Mother's Day sometimes. And mothers who have lost children and children who have lost their moms, and um infertility and abortion and adoption and so just so many variables that often I don't think we think about on Mother's Day. And Father, just thank you so much for your grace and your love for women, no matter who or where or what you know they they call themselves. Thank you for family and friends. And thank you for this podcast and time together in our own friendship. And we ask that you just left the conversation in Jesus' name. Amen. So as you were doing that prayer, I felt the Holy Spirit grab me and say, We're gonna talk about something completely different than I thought we were gonna talk about. I want to talk about moms.

SPEAKER_00 2:51

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 2:52

Yeah. I want to talk about our moms. Okay. I want to talk about being moms. And I want to talk about yeah, I just want to talk about kind of motherhood as a journey. Because I have wanted to talk about your mom in the past. I've wanted to talk to you about her and really your parents in general, but I'm your mom because you don't talk about her a lot. It makes me sad to talk about her. Yeah, and I know that. Yeah. That's why I don't I'm gonna touch on it if you I'm in a good headspace to talk about it, so I think

Richard Remembers Laura And Her Fight

SPEAKER_03 3:24

that's fine. My mom's name is Laura, was Laura. My mom passed away back in 2013. My she was the oldest of eight from a farm in Montana, and she was everything that I think you hope a mom would be. Except she was a little bit harsh, but she was she could sew. She was an award-winning quilter. She did cross-stitch and needlepoint, and she made quilts. She was an in-home daycare provider specializing in infant care for special needs infants. I so I grew up in an in-home daycare. My mom was a baby whisperer, being the oldest of eight, you know, have to learn how to take care of kids. And she she was she was an award-winning baker. She made all of the baked goods for all of the PTA and like school things. She loved to clean on her hands and knees. She was our house was immaculate. And she enjoyed that. That was she liked so she and she liked uh to sit and listen to court shows. And so she would be curled up in her lazy boy, sewing, burning a cigarette like it was an incense next to her. I didn't say she was a perfect woman. And she and she would just be listening to the OJ Simpson trial or Judge Judy. Uh she liked Matlock and Murder She Wrote and Hawaii 5.0, all of those shows. So she she always had it playing in the background. We TV was like a big thing in our house. So I never really liked watching those shows, but I would listen to listen to her. She could not sing, but her voice was my favorite thing on earth. She was not much for affection, physical affection, was not a cuddly one. That was my dad. But she and she would never say she was sorry, ever. She would rather die. Her way of saying she was sorry was by make cooking me something, making me something, buying me something. That was her apology. There was, she would never admit she was wrong. And then she used to pay me to give her foot massages. So that was how I wash her car, give her foot massages. She would pay me. No work went unpaid. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 5:44

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 5:44

She was a fun drunk on the two times in my entire life. I saw her drink. Um, they she she really did. She didn't she didn't drink, but like I think my dad went out of town for like two months, and she's poor woman, was stuck with us. And she took us out to dinner. And I mean, again, my mom was not a perfect woman, but she had a little too many uh whiskey sours at dinner, and she was like behind the wheel, being like, wee, wee! And I mean, not totally erratic, but I remember laughing at it because I was just like, it was so not my mom at all. Being so silly. She was being really silly, and it was just like, like, what is she doing? You know, because it was so not her character. She liked to dance, she loved country music. Garth Brooks was her favorite. And uh the Oak Ridge Boys, Elvira, was a common song at our house. She grew up Catholic, but she was married before she met my dad to a guy she'd been with since she was a teenager, very, very wealthy man, total jerk. And they had five stillborns together, and she went to, and then her husband started having an affair, and she went to the Catholic Church and tried talking about it. And they said, if you believed in God more, he wouldn't have taken your children, and we will not grant you a divorce. And she was like, I'm out. And so she left the Catholic Church, and then she took me to a Lutheran church, you know, growing up or whatever, but she was kind of she wasn't into it anymore. She was just sort of very jaded by her experience with the church. And then she met my dad working at a laundromat, and he asked her out for a year before she said yes, and then he slept through their first date and missed it. And so it took him another year to get her to say yes again. And then they went out on a date, and it turns out he had a girlfriend, my dad did, and she saw the girlfriend's dog's bowl on the floor, and she was like, Do you have a dog? And he's like, No, I don't. And she's like, I think you do, or someone does. And it turned out that he had a girlfriend. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Somehow she she figured it out, my little courtroom mama. And she uh, so I think it took her a while again to get him to let her to go out with him again, but they finally did. She was pregnant, scandalous with my sister at their wedding. They had a backyard wedding. My mom told me much, much later in life that she was pregnant with Jennifer at the time because the math was a math in. And and that was her first live child all the way to birth. And she was ecstatic. And then she I came along two years later, and my dad said she took us everywhere. We were the pride of her life. She put us in little matching, what like sailor dresses. She loved those nautical dresses. So yeah, bought us clothes and catalogs, and we were she was very fancy with us and dressed us like grown women. I had shoulder pads on at my fifth grade dance, so his look uh could not that woman could not dress to save her life. I loved her, but man, she picked out some ugly clothes. But she she was just she was the best mom. She was a fighter, she was an absolute fighter, and you did not mess with her kids at all. She would get you fired from your job, which she did to my fourth grade teacher. She was she had had enough of her. And so that woman did not come back the next year. And my mom, you did not mess with her. You also would never get out of a conversation with her. She would talk your face off worse than I ever dreamed of being. And my friends knew that. So they knew only to come inside if you planned on staying there. Because my mom was around babies all day, did not have human interaction. So when she got around people that could talk back to her, she would just talk your face off. And how old were you, Richard? She died in 2013. So I was 32. Okay. And what did she die from? She died of cancer. So my sister died first of from cancer, also. My sister was, she was already terminal when they found the cancer. She had a tumor the size of a football in her stomach. And this is a story for another day. But she anyway, she she lived eight months. Then my parents had her do chemo and radiation. So she lived eight months. And by when she found out she or and then, yeah, then my mom found out a couple years later that she had cancer, and she was like, Yeah, I'm not doing that. Because she saw what it did to my sister. And I think after my sister died, she just was never the same. And she just didn't, I mean, her and my sister did not get along. They were not close, they were complete polar opposites. My sister started to kill my mom many times. That's a whole another story. But losing her was too hard on my mom. And so I think she just didn't want to do it anymore. So she basically had tumors that were in her spine that were breaking her back apart. And so she was diagnosed. A month and a day later, she was gone. And it was a very, very, very fast because it went right up her spinal column into her brain and took her out. And it was very painful. And she screamed in pain a lot, but she did not want to be on the medication. So I had to listen to her scream to death, basically, which was incredibly hard. No, she was in the hospital for one day. She was at home. She didn't want to be there. Yep. I took her to the hospital to go into hospice when we finally the screaming got to be too much for us. And then yeah, my dad had had three strokes and a heart attack between my sister and his brother died of cancer, also in between my sister and my mother. And so physically, like he couldn't take care of her, so I had to take care of her. And I was really struggling with drugs at the time. And that was a lot to take. And so I probably I was there as much as I could handle being there. And then after that, I moved in with my dad. But yeah, she was gone. Watch your hand. Oh, yeah. Sorry, I'm about to smack my microphone. Yeah, I'm not used to having it right here.

unknown 11:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Trying to try to keep it our hands down. Oh, okay. I'm gonna do my best. I'm a hand talker. Not even Italian. But uh my hands don't know that. Down, girls. I was driving one time in the car, and Chad was in front of me in his car. And I don't know, I guess he was with Noah, and they were laughing because they couldn't figure out like what I was doing. I was talking to my mom on the phone. Driving. Like he's like, your hands were you're all over the place. That's funny. I'm hoping that didn't interrupt. Okay, sorry. I was trying to turn off my notifications. We're learning, we're learning. Okay. Oh, reconnecting. Shoot. Oh no. Uh oh. I don't think I can have it on airplane mode. Do not disturb. Okay, we're learning. Oh no. Okay. We're back. I'll have to fix that in editing. Anyway, so yeah, so that's my mom in a nutshell. Tell me about your mom.

Dion On Distance With Her Mom

SPEAKER_03 12:56

Very long pause. Wow. I love my mom. And my mom and I were I you know, I don't feel like we were ever close. And I don't want to say that to hurt her. She was a good mom. For sure. I never felt not cared for. You know. I remember her making, you know, baking cookies, and I remember her being mom. She made all of our Halloween costumes. And I remember good times as a kid growing up. But I don't I don't feel like we were ever very close. She was quiet. I don't know. This is very like hot work for me for some reason, and I don't know why. Because I love her very much. And definitely as I got older our reason for not being close was probably more my fault than hers. Because as I went into my teenage years, I was very rebellious and angry. And you know, my dad had left and I was angry at him, I was angry at her. So I caused not being close, I'm sure then. And then when I started to have my when I started to have kids, I spent a lot of time at my mom's actually running from the relationships that I was in. So I would always go to her when I was sad or felt that I needed somewhere to come. But the funny thing with that is I didn't always feel welcome. And that wasn't necessarily my mom's fault. Because we always had great conversations. Once I became an adult, we had good conversations and we've always been able to talk for hours, you know, on the phone or in person. But I don't have a lot of great memories about her individually. And that's not that I have bad memories growing up or anything like that. My childhood was good. I don't remember her being very loving. And that's not that she was mean either. That's not I'm not saying that. I don't remember. Like I don't remember cuddles with my mom or I don't remember things like that. Was she like that with your siblings? Or just not like not with you? I don't no. It was I just feel like it was just her. She wasn't a very outwardly affectionate person. And that's why I'm saying I would never want to say anything to hurt her because she is a loving person. But she just never like showed that or expressed that necessarily. Oh overly, you know. Well, that's what I was saying about my mom too, was that she's not like she wasn't physically affectionate. Her way of showing that was very different than cuddling. But I don't remember then what way she showed that necessarily, but that's what I'm saying. I never felt unloved. It just didn't feel like there was ever affection between the two of us. What about now as an adult? No, I just feel like our relationship is very different because I think for me we used to be able to talk, you know, for hours on the phone, and we still can. But I want to talk more about like Jesus in my life or Christian things going on for me, things like that, and she doesn't really understand it. So lately I felt like I feel like there's not a whole lot to talk about anymore. So did your mom ever have a relationship with Jesus or was she never like been interested in that? I don't think so. She said as a child, like kind of like me, she knew Jesus loves me, this I know, and her parents might have gone to church, you know, for Christmas or Easter. I don't know regularly, I'm not sure. Because lately I've even been wondering if any of my grandparents were Christians. I don't I don't know if they were or weren't. I wasn't raised in a Christian environment, you know. Everyone if you asked anyone about my mom, they would tell you she's the most amazing, kind-hearted, beautiful woman. And I understand what they see. I do understand that. Because she always was a very good person and a very kind person. And I think like what I try to tell her now though, is for me, it's like as far as Christianity is concerned, and trying to talk to her about that is you you're not gonna get you're not gonna get to heaven based on how good of a person you are. You know? Right? You have to accept Jesus. And I don't know that she believes that. And I wish if she could get there on merit alone, she would be the first person I would see in heaven. Because she is a good person. She really is. I just don't think that growing up we had the best relationship. That's all. And like I said, I don't even want to come off like she was a bad mom because she wasn't she wasn't a bad mom. She just not wasn't she was not an outwardly affectionate mom. That's all. Do you think I'm just curious why do you think that it's such a a hard no for her to be interested in a relationship with Jesus? Why is he a no for her? Do you think? I don't know that it's that he's a hard no. I think she believes in something or wants to believe in something, but just doesn't think there's a God necessarily. I don't know that she doesn't believe in a higher power of some sort, but it's not it's not God. I sometimes I think that maybe she's trying more to to believe. Because she has expressed to me that she was saying the Lord's Prayer at night. She doesn't know the Lord's prayer, so she was pop on at some point in her life. And that she has been praying to God to help her believe. So maybe she's starting to come around. I think it's for some people it's hard to see Christianity in someone who hurt you so badly in the past. And because I have hurt my mom, I think that makes it difficult to see any changes too that I've made them, and maybe that I I try to be better now, I try to be a better person. I'd apologize, but I think sometimes that's harder for people. So maybe maybe me trying to help her believe overcome to Christ. Maybe I'm not the one that should be trying to help it. You know. Maybe I'm not the one that she can grasp it from. How long has it been since you feel like you hurt her? Maybe years. Years since anything. Too intentional, you know. And she knows that I struggle with you know, bipolar and eager, and you know, that I do have diagnosed issues, you know. And I don't think it's ever mattered to her or to you know, my family necessarily. I don't think it matters that I have diagnosis of things that they don't understand. Do you know what I mean? If they don't understand it, then how can they accept it? Yeah. Where like my husband understands so he tries to like help me through it rather than blame me for the way I am something. Does your husband understand it because he struggles with his own mental health, or does he understand it because he's lived with people that struggled with mental health? Why did why do you think he understands it but they don't? Because he loved me unconditionally. So he wants to see me be better. And I think they live with my mom. And when I say they, I mean my mom, my sister, my brother. They live through so much hurt from me that they can't get past it or something happened. And it's not that any of them treat me badly because they don't, but we're not close. Yeah. And that hurts me that I ever hurt them so much that they can't even find their way back to any type of close relationship with me. I guess I know.

When Mental Health Shapes Family Trust

SPEAKER_03 22:00

Really thought about it from that perspective because speaking of mothers, I have a mother-in-law also, and I struggle deeply with a relationship with her, and she's hurt me and she's hurt my s my husband through stories that he shared with me about his growing up, and I have a hard time moving past that, and I can tell that she wants to have a relationship with me, but I'm really not interested. I was that way with my husband's real mother. She wasn't very nice to him. And I saw all the negative ways that she treated him. And he saw it, but always kind of looked past it, obviously, because it was his mom. Um there's times that she hurt him so badly by things she said that I've brought it up and he's like, I don't even remember nothing. Yeah. So he blocks it out, you know. And so I struggled with my relationship with her for sure, though we were okay as well. We were fine. We had a fine relationship, but I would I would have liked to have been closer to her, but I was always so defensive for him that I'm not gonna let you treat him that way. I'm not gonna talk to him that way, and so I would say something, or we just wouldn't go over there, or you know, kind of avoided having to do that. But as time went on, I actually saw him start to realize the way he was and has always been treated by her, and to a point where he started to avoid her then as well. And there were times that I was like, Well, it's your mom, we still need to go see her, we need to visit her, anyways. And then unfortunately, she passed away two years ago, and I think he regrets the times that he chose avoidance over, you know, maybe trying to make it work with her or even sitting down and having a conversation with her, which we actually did one time talk to her, and she got better for a while after that, where she wasn't being so negative towards him, but then she slowly kind of went back to it before she died. You know, we've said this before and we've gone over it about hurt people, hurt people. She definitely was a very bitter person from how she viewed she had been treated by people in the past, you know what I'm saying? So I think she just learned that wall goes up, and I'm not gonna let anyone hurt me or in. But when you start to send that out to your kids, that then that's a little different dynamic there, you know. My mother-in-law, his stepmom now, she has a stepmom, my other mother-in-law, she is amazing, and her and I are very close. Gonna treasure that. She's really nice, she's awesome. Yeah, she's really awesome, and I'm sure she has her faults too, but I've never seen them, you know. She's she's a really tiny person. I don't know where she would hide those faults. She's she is a pocket-sized little lady. She's very forgiving, she's very patient, and it's also not to say that she hasn't been in a position to see my anger or attitude or things like that. You know, she has experienced that, not ever at her, but she has seen me be that way and has never once made me feel like, you know, I was, you know, just the worst person in the world because of it. She's always been very forgiving of everyone around her, not just me, you know? And she is a baker and she's an amazing baker and a good Christian woman. And maybe she hasn't always been that good Christian woman, but she's also growing in her journey and her Christ. And yeah, she's she's a great, she's a great lady, and I'm I'm I love her very much, and I'm I'm grateful to have her in my life as a mom. Yeah. And I also had a stepmom, you know, my dad's wife, and she died during COVID. And her and I had a very rocky beginning, but ended on a be in a beautiful relationship. A beautiful she was a beautiful woman inside and out, also a woman of Christ. And I'm grateful for the relationship we had prior to her captain. I'm glad that God gave you those kind of relationships. Yeah. I miss having a mother figure. Yeah. I don't I, you know, even though I'm working on trying to build at least a friendly rapport with my mother-in-law because of my relationship with God and wanting to be more forgiving and wanting to be more loving and the fruits of the spirit, you know, showing through me to her, I don't know that we're gonna get there. Yeah, you know, I just don't, I don't, and and that's and that's not to say that I hate her or anything like that. I think that some people are, as I call the jam in your jelly roll, and some people are not, and I am not for her, and she is not for me. And there's a lot that I think, you know, I deal with the trauma of things that went on in her relationship with Brian and his relationship with his ex-wife and her her relationship with his ex-wife, that I deal with the repercussions of that in my relationship with my husband, and I see what it's done to him as a person, and it is hard to not go off. And I think I think I just have to like, as I have to sit on my hands not to move them while I'm talking, I have to sit on my hands a lot around her too. And I can see the hurt in her when she realizes, you know, when she comes to visit, I'm like, why are you here? Yeah. Or when she called to say happy Mother's Day, I'm like, why are you calling? Yeah. In the nicest possible way, but I immediately hand the phone over to my husband and have somewhere else to be. And and I hate that because I because I long for a relationship with a mother figure. Yeah, but I don't think it's ever gonna be her. And it always hurts me for people like you who do desire that relationship in their life and they don't have it.

Mother In Law Pain And Forgiveness

SPEAKER_03 28:49

And I have my mom, and like I said, I love her dearly, and I know she loves me, of course. I wish though that we could be closer. I wish somehow we could repair the hurts from the past and just sort of move away from them. And then in in some inst instincts, because she might say, instance, she might say, I didn't even think that anything was wrong with our relationship. Do you know what I mean? I have a feeling that might be what she would say. But when you look deeper, we're not as close as I wish that we were. You know, I I just wish that I wish I could call and share things with her and she would be happy for that and proud of that. And you know that, well, because we both are involved in the Indiana Dunes Great Banquet community. I've invited her to a weekend several times. When I've given talks last fall, I was the assistant late director. I've invited her at different times to please come and support me. Right. So you don't have to quote unquote drink the Kool-Aid, not trying to force Jesus down your throat. I would just like you to come and support me through this weekend and be there, and she won't come. So to me, it even becomes almost like it feels personal. That either it is, and why would you not support me? Or what are you afraid of? Are you so afraid of Jesus in your life that you won't even come to a Christian event to support me? Right. You know, it it it bothers me and it hurts me. Even if you just approach it from the uh from the perspective of it's a weekend where you don't have your phone and you're at a beautiful campsite and you eat a lot of food and you meet a lot of really awesome women, you hear a lot of really great stories, just kind of about life. And yeah, there's there's definitely Jesus in there too. But I think even if you are skeptical, because we do have people every season that are kind of coming in from the I'm not sure if I believe perspective, uh, and they either, I mean, and whether it changes your mind or the Holy Spirit moves in your heart or softens your heart to get in there, or it doesn't, that really is entirely up to you and God. But you can still leave and and have questions or not be fully convinced, but at least you kind of had a weekend of being away and just kind of you know, take that time and and really do some self-reflection. Yeah, there's a lot of wonderful people that you can connect with, even on not on a God. I unfortunately I think she's maybe even one of them that thinks it's you know, maybe just something goofy or weird, you know what I mean? Like culty. Yeah, I don't know that even, but just yeah, it's just it's just not for her. Yeah. Well, how do you know if you don't go? Well, and that's how I think go. Could you please just come and support me? I don't know. Yeah. So yeah, so that that kind of bothers me. I hope that she accepts. I hope you keep inviting her and she accepts one day. Yeah. Because I think it's beautiful. Um I think too in the sharing with her of different things, though, I have shared some negative things about Christianity or Christian people, let's put it that way. And, you know, she I think things like that, if I share that with her, then she goes, Oh yeah, no, that's fine, I don't want to be a part of that. Yeah. It's like, well, that's the human condition. Yeah. You know what I'm saying? Unfortunately, it doesn't matter what you're involved in, you're gonna cross come across people who are not very nice or who are fake or phony, and you're gonna find that everywhere, whether you're in church or you know, you have to be careful about sharing that kind of stuff with people who are looking for a reason not to want to get it. Well, that you know what else? Looking for perfection. Yeah. Within that within Christianity, they're looking for perfection. And then then they won't find it. You're not gonna find it. No way. Especially not in me. Yeah. And if that's what you if that's why sometimes, you know, when I hear they say sometimes you're the only Bible people will ever be. Some people you're the only Bible some people will ever be. Yep. Well, unfortunately, for people who know me, that's that's a s that's a sad thing. No, no. Why do I say that? Because I am a real person. And you know what? I'm a real boy. Yeah, real girl. I mess up like every I mess up like humans do. For sure. And I'm not a perfect person. And I say things that I shouldn't. And I, you know, unfortunately, I know I'm not perfect. So if if you are looking at me for perfection in Christianity, then that's you've come to the wrong, you've come to the wrong place. That's wrong. That's true. They stopped at the back row. Yeah, that's what you get when you sit in the back row. If you want perfection, you better make it to the front. I don't know. No. Yeah, no. I don't I don't know. And nobody is church is meant to be a hospital for the sick. Yeah, I know. That's why Jesus hung out with people on the outside of Christianity. That's who we're talking to right now. The church is supposed to be a hospital for the sick. That's why Jesus hung out with the sinners and the and the prostitutes and the criminals and the ruffians, because he was coming for them. He's coming for us. He was here for for for the hot messes.

SPEAKER_00 34:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:30

As much as he was here for the Sadducees and the Pharisees and everybody else, they were supposed to be here for them too.

SPEAKER_00 34:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:39

They just got confused about what who they were actually here for and why they were supposed to be in the positions that they were in, and which is sad.

Inviting Skeptics Into Christian Spaces

SPEAKER_03 34:48

So shifting gears a little bit, what do you think that you were like as a mom? That's I was just gonna ask you the same thing. Yeah, so me, I was a okay, I will tell you that my mom will say that from the time I was little, all I ever said I wanted to be was a mommy. That that was what I aspired to be was a mom. And then as I got older, I knew I wanted to be a wife. You know, that's all I wanted to be. I wanted to take care of my husband, I wanted to take care of my house, take care of the kids. So when I started having kids very young, I still, though, I did that. I I I gave everything to my kids. And I'm not saying I was the perfect mother because I was very far from it. But I will tell you that I gave up everything for them. I gave up smoking, I gave up drinking, I gave up drunks, I gave up everything. Every time I was pregnant and having a child, I gave everything to that kid. And I love my daughters very much, and I'm proud of who they are today. And they were raised in a very strict environment. And they will tell you that, and I will tell you that they called me Sarge growing up. They joked about friends coming to Camp Coleman. That was my last name. Friends would tease about sending their kids to Camp Coleman, coming and hanging out at my house, and I would teach those kids a thing or two. So I was very uh strict, but within that strictness, they have come to me later in life to say thank you. Thank you for being as strict as you were. That no, I did not appreciate it at the time, but now I know why you were that way. And neither of them have ever told me I was not a loving mom, you know, that I I was a loving mom. I remember nights, days laying in bed together, watching TV, cartoons. I was just about to say, were you a very outwardly affectionate person? I I was, yeah. I mean, special days, birthdays, anything like that. I I went all out on I'm talking just an average Wednesday morning birthday. They would wake up to pancakes with decorations and balloons and presents, and I was ready. I I gave I gave my all to them. Absolutely, because I wanted them always to know first and foremost that I loved them. But I was very, very strict. I never hit my kids, never spanked my kids, didn't believe in that, never believed in that. It was it was a look, and they knew, do not, you know, they they just I was very strict. I I have nothing else to say but that, and they will tell you that and they know that, and we've talked about it. And do do I think that they wish maybe sometimes I wasn't as hard as I was? Sure, absolutely. Do I wish sometimes I wasn't as hard as I was? Yes, absolutely, but I think that they're better for it. So they may say something different, but what they've told me to my face is thank you for teaching us how how to end, you know what I mean, and how to be, and just how to be respectful and all those things. I mean, my my oldest daughter just yesterday said, please, can you take my kids for for a while this summer? Please help me. They need to go to camp. Please help me. They need to go to Camp Robinson now. Yeah. But my Camp Robinson, though, they grow, they grow jelly beans into dum-dums. So I don't know that that's the same camp they went to when they were younger. But you know, I read to my kids every night. Sorry. You know, I I tried to make their childhood happy and loving, and I hope that they know that they were loved. Again, I wasn't perfect parents. No, not at all. I put them in bad situations with toxic relationships and things like that, you know. So yeah, in some ways, no, I definitely could have done better. Sure. You know, absolutely. Can't we all? But I just wanted them to grow up into good human beings, you know, that's all that's all I was thinking about and worried about because I was such a such a cut-up, you know, that I didn't want my kids being like I joy and a pleasure. What do you mean? I'm delighted. Um, we always joke.

SPEAKER_00 38:55

Feral, but forget it.

SPEAKER_03 38:57

Um I was feral. I was absolutely feral as a team, you know, and I didn't want them being that way. Anyways, so do I think I was a good mom? Yes. Do I think I could have been gentler? Yes. Absolutely. I was probably just, you know, you would have thought that they I literally were being raised by like a military mom or something. Yeah. No. I don't know. And where did I get that from? Probably my dad, but that's a conversation for father dad. Probably. We'll save that one for Mother Dad. That's coming up next month. Next month. We'll talk about our dads. Let's talk about our dad

Strict Love And Regrets As Moms

SPEAKER_03 39:30

then. We're very different dads. But like for just for me and my part of this, what I want to end on is that I love my mom. You know, I love my mother. I do wish that we were closer. I do wish that we had a different relationship now. But it, you know, she was not abusive, she was not mean. Nothing like that. Nothing, nothing like that. Nah, I I there was something else I wanted to say too though about my mom. My mom has told me that when I was little, or when me and my siblings were little, she says that she used to be like, we would wake up in the morning, she was like, Good morning, how are you? Come here, give me a hug, give me a kiss. And that she was like that. I don't ever remember that. I'm telling you, I never remember that. She says, she will say that my dad told her to please like not do that. So that's something between her and my dad. I don't know if that was ever said or ever happened, but who I do remember being like that in the morning when I got up was my dad. Yeah. So I don't know where that story. I don't know where I mean if there's truth to it, maybe he asked her not to be that, so he could be that. Maybe I don't know. For that time, I don't know. Ever be like that. Yeah. But like I said, I don't remember her being mean or she was not a mean mom. She was just a quiet, introverted mom. And not overly affectionate, that's all, you know? And why I got so upset talking about her, I think because I agree that now because I love her and I want that. I want that with her. Yeah. You know, and I didn't feel it as a kid, and I didn't feel it as a teen because of me. And then I went out on my own. And now as a grown woman, I would like to have that relationship with my mom. There's still time. I know. And it's like I said, and I don't want anybody to misunderstand that we that we don't have any relationship at all. We do. It's just not the one I I desire. So and maybe she feels the same about me, or maybe she thinks we're fine, and we are, you know. That's why I don't want her to think, you know, yeah, we don't really just you know, I don't I don't that's like I'm not trying to hurt her by it. Well, maybe if she listens to this, it'll spur uh just a conversation for you guys, and maybe that that'll move you guys in a a different direction. I just I pray and I would like everyone to pray just that I really do want her to just op open up to to Jesus and hear me out. That's all. You got it. Just hear me out, you know. Just let me let me talk about him. Let me tell you about him a little bit, you know, and then and then see where you're at. Yeah. Let me tell you some of the things he's done in my life that maybe you don't realize. Yeah. You know? And that are not just coincidence. You know, nothing with God has happened since. No, that is definitely true. Um so how about you as a mom though?

Being Mom First Not Best Friend

SPEAKER_03 42:27

How am I doing? You know me as a mom. You get to see that you're in the you seem in the thick of it now. Yeah, and it's you as again, mom. I've given you I've given you some ugly advice. I've you know, I've told you things that you I see you with Aria and I will give you advice on that, whether you're taken or not, and a couple times you have to do this. Take my advice, and yeah, so I think that the most important thing for you as a young mom to a young, you know, younger child at seven, you are a lot of road ahead of you. And and the my biggest advice to any mom of young kids is that is not your friend. That is your child. And although it is good to be a friend, you have to be mom first. Yeah, you know, um, no different than God is God first for us. He is God first, and then friend, you know what I mean? And I think as parents, it's the same. Like you you have to be careful being wanting to be your child's friend, because it'll backfire on you someday, you know? Yeah. Until they're old enough to understand that relationship. Yeah, we had a very heartfelt conversation in the kitchen about that. Yeah. One day on her way out of to school from crying. I'm like up close now that they can hear you clearly. No, she uh we we had did have that kind of relationship, and then things went a little sideways with her and behavior and she did she. made some really poor choices and she then and she yep and and I saw that starting and I finally just told her in the kitchen one day I said for now you and I are done being best friends. I said I love you so much and she cried and I cried and I said what you know my hope is that one day we'll come back to that when we are older I said but I I am not doing you any favors by being your friend right now. So I said you're gonna there's gonna be days where you don't like me and where I don't like me and I don't you know and but I have to I have to do what I have to do right now because I want you to be a really amazing person and a great grown up and so for now I have to be mom. And she cried and I cried and it was really hard because we are thickest the thickest thieves she is my twin personality looks attitude problem love for Jesus yeah she is Minnie you she is I'm down to the looks everything it is everything such a God such a god it's crazy how much I mean she looks she looks like me and and acts like me and I don't believe you I swear I didn't but you would think you really would think everybody does and I think that's why people with the the shock look on their face is so funny to when I tell them that she's adopted because they're just like yeah okay I don't believe that's true. But yeah she is I and I I'm definitely much more affectionate physically than my mom was and we are cuddle bugs and every single morning she has to have her cuddle time before we can do anything else and then every night she comes and cuddles with me. I do her bedtime stories unless I'm working and not here but I do her bedtime stories. I've sang to her every night she even has uh studio recorded versions of my bedtime songs to her because my when my mom passed I realized I have no vocal recordings of my mom at all and I hate that because I don't remember what her voice sounds like anymore. And so that was never gonna be the story for Aria that if something happened to me I always wanted her to have she's got videos of me she's got pictures of me she's got you know sound bites of me yeah voicemail saved from my mom that I saved just one at one point because she was like hi it's just me we're just calling to chit chat love you talk you know talk to you later that you have that one day yeah it's a couple years old even right now yeah and I've never erased it just just in case I have nothing literally nothing of my mom and I hate that and so and I want her to have all of it. And so I keep journals I keep all this stuff that she can like literally just go back and hear my thoughts or like see when I was struggling with something how I handled it that I took it to God and he and see my prayers and see prayers that came true for for me for us as a family my prayers for her and her life and things that I drew her notes that I I write her notes and put them in her lunch boxes and she's she saves saves them and you know which I think is sweet. But yeah we have a very very close relationship and I think if there's anything that I do write in this life that is being her mom I'm actually really proud of the mom that I am to her. I have no complaints no notes for that I we'll see we'll see when we get to her teenage years but for now for now we're doing really good. And so I don't yeah I don't hold that over anyone in my family or any moms or you know being a mom is hard. Yeah I just got really lucky that she is honestly and you you can attest to this she's a good kid. Yeah like she's annoyingly good for other people to the point where I'm like do you like them more? Because I'm not she's sassy at home. She's got a mouth on her and her eyeballs are on a constant rotation sometimes that I just want to be like well you want to fight me what I want to say really quick before we do wrap everything up is do you know the kind of mom can I be honest and say the kind of mom I really just that kind of disgusts me.

Body Shaming And Speaking Life

SPEAKER_03 48:25

Yeah. I go there. Are we at labor? Yeah oh I don't know what just okay yeah we can go there. Yeah we got a couple more minutes. Just because most recently this has come to light for me do you know what I never have done to my kids is speak anything over them other than that they are beautiful and now definitely you know like they're a child of God, they're a daughter of law's hiking and that I would never say anything to them, not when they were little or now that would berate them in any way of their looks, their weight you know anything anything like that because this will be a whole this could be a whole nother episode too but the body shaming thing. Yeah it it's come to light recently to me who body shames her daughter a grown woman who body shames her grown adult daughter what do I feel like I know who we're talking who we're talking about but I yep yeah and as somebody who is body shamed by their and we'll talk about this with with the dad episode by my dad that I am very careful with that with with aria um aria like isly like me in I'm a curvy gal yeah and RV Aria I who's to say what she'll look like when she's older but she's a she's curvier than some other kids um in you know and she and but she's she has no clue that she's not the most beautiful girl on earth yeah because that is what I have said to her every single day of her life. Now she is aware that her body is shaped differently because she's asked me about it and I'm like everybody's bodies are different and I gave her examples of multiple women we know with very different body types and I said is this person beautiful yes yeah and look at their body and look at this person her own child is beautiful. Yes we've all had the moms put it out on Facebook they're beautiful baby and the baby looks like a potato you know what I'm saying we all but they but they are beautiful they're a beautiful potato yeah people okay but I am talking about a mother a crisp mother who belittles and berates her grown daughter because of her weight that is a self that's a self-hatred thing with that parent though with that like that is a their their own they're projecting their own body image image issues. When I heard about it it yeah destroyed me for that that young woman yeah well yeah and and unfortunately a lot of that ends up becoming you know a pattern that she could end up putting that on because because of my dad doing that to me I almost did that with a one day and I like lost it that I was like you have ruined and I'm I got a huge fight with my dad and I was like you are the reason that I even thought about saying something sideways to her about her body because you trained me to believe that I that that the way that I look was never going to be good enough that I had to be thin to be beautiful. And now I have my own daughter who's struggling in that way and and you almost got me to say something crazy to her because because of you. And now like I am so hypersensitive about what I say and don't say almost to the point where like I worry that I'm not looking out always for her best interest from a health perspective because I'm so nervous on how to talk to her about it that I'm grateful that the that I have a friend who's also a Christian who is really good with her words who is a diet dietitian. She went to school for dietary science who I know that when it comes time to have that conversation that I can be like hey yeah help. Do you know what I have to say about it too though just to that mom in particular and any mom who does it is especially for your grown child they know they know they have gained weight they know you know what's wrong with their body you don't need to tell them they don't need to be reminded of it because it disgusts you or something like that. So it's just gross and please stop doing that. Yeah just speak life over your children. Yeah speak life over your children especially our children and yeah the world is gonna be harsh enough we don't need it coming from the one safe place we're supposed to have outside of God. They know that but that's something I would never never be like I would never say that. Yeah well remember that our our children are not our children.

Stewardship Scripture Plans And Closing Prayer

SPEAKER_03 53:04

We are stewarding God's children that he entrusts to us and when God sees you treating his kids some kind of way that is not a that's not a way to be that said you and I are God's children and so you know yeah you know Dad yeah thanks Dad we love you dad we love you dad you the best okay so I I don't have the I don't have my Bible in front of me which is a mistake. Can you think of scripture that talks about we didn't I feel bad that we didn't talk about scripture today. We kind of just talked about life. We weren't gonna talk about this we were yeah yeah it is we didn't think about all that yeah so if if we're permitted we can just um make sure we include it in the notes. Yeah we'll find a good piece of scripture and then I actually have a very pretty song that we can um list to can't think of the name of it right now but I think it's called She's somebody's hero that's a Christian song it's a country song but it's it's a beautiful song. It's right it's called She's somebody's hero can't remember the girl who sings it but it's about him. So very beautiful well I guess we'll just call this Mother's Day episode. We sorry we got a little di derailed but I when you were praying I was just thinking about motherhood and like my own mother my struggles with my mother-in-law being a mother we didn't we didn't talk about the other thing I wanted to talk about but we'll we'll come back to that on another another episode because we both have struggled with having kids and and I've you know shared recently shared some stuff about my journey in that that you were unaware of that I think would like to talk about in a future episode. So this may not be your only motherhood podcast yeah but I hope everybody whatever your situation is with your mother whatever your situation is as a mother or even if you desire to be a mother or you are currently pregnant and kind of getting ready to walk into that season I I just pray for you that you come to a that God brings you peace with all of that because it is it is a journey one way or the other so I'm just praying for you ladies right now. So yeah I kind of started out loud but I was really more talking to the listeners than I was talking to God. But dear Heavenly Father thank you so much for derailing our conversation for knowing that this was something that maybe both of us needed to talk about before we could head into another topic. Father God we thank you for giving us a day to celebrate mothers to mourn mothers to shine a light that is so often shifted to others because mothers can be incredibly selfless we and they work so so very hard but we have to make everything about our families and about our kids and about the people around us because we are caregivers because you have blessed us with that innate need to care for others. That is one of the best things about moms I think is that we have that in us so thank you God for that gifting thank you for our conversation thank you for being with us Lord we love you and we thank you we praise you always amen thank you in Jesus name all right well thank you guys and we'll be back with our next episode where we're gonna talk about something else I don't know what it's gonna be yet but we'll be back next week we love you bye bye