How Do You Successfully Visit a Parent with Dementia Symptoms?

In this episode of the Port of Call podcast, Laura Wayman and Jocelyn Ives sit down with Ami Reichman, a senior living advisor and daughter caring for a father living with dementia symptoms.

Ami spends her professional life helping families navigate dementia care, assisted living, memory care, and senior living decisions. But when dementia affected her own father, she found herself facing the same emotional challenges many caregivers experience: grief, guilt, repeated questions, frustration, and uncertainty about whether she was doing enough.

Together, Laura, Jocelyn, and Ami explore one of the most common caregiver questions:

How do you visit a parent with dementia?

Throughout the conversation, they discuss what happens when a loved one repeatedly asks the same questions, fixates on difficult memories, struggles with feelings of loss, or becomes stuck in emotional loops that caregivers don't know how to navigate.

This episode answers important caregiver questions like:

• How do you respond when someone with dementia asks the same question repeatedly?
• Why do people with dementia focus on certain memories or worries?
• How can caregivers reduce guilt after visits?
• What does it mean to meet someone where they are?
• Why is it important to focus on feelings instead of facts?
• How can dementia awareness improve communication and connection?

You'll learn:

• Why dementia affects more than memory
• How to respond to the emotions behind repeated questions
• Why quality of visits matters more than quantity
• Practical ways to create meaningful moments of connection
• How emotional awareness can reduce caregiver stress and burnout
• Why caregivers need to extend compassion to themselves throughout the journey

This conversation is for family caregivers, adult children, professional caregivers, senior living professionals, healthcare workers, and anyone supporting a loved one with dementia, Alzheimer's disease, cognitive decline, or memory care needs.

If you've ever left a visit feeling guilty, exhausted, or wondering if you said the right thing, this episode offers practical guidance, emotional support, and a reminder that you are not alone.

Follow for more dementia caregiver support, dementia education, emotional resilience tools, and real conversations about caregiving.

laurawayman.com/podcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Welcome to a space where caregivers are truly seen and heard. Where together we explore caregiving as not just a role or a series of tasks, but as a profound emotional experience. Hi, I'm Laura Wayman, the Dementia Whisperer.

SPEAKER_00 0:19

I'm Jocelyn If, certified life coach in dementia and emotional awareness for caregivers. Together, we shine a light on the real emotional journey of the caregiver. The guilt, the grief, the frustration, fear and worry, and the exhaustion. And here we celebrate and honor the strength, courage, and hope, and the small moments of joy and connection that carry you through the journey.

SPEAKER_01 0:49

This space is where dementia awareness becomes emotional empowerment and where your story, your feelings, and your resilience matter. Welcome. I'm so glad to be here. Of course, I'm always so glad to be here with my co-pilot on my port of call, Jocelyn. I just have so much that I want to share. I recently got back from Washington State where I was doing a training at a beautiful community called Watermark in Bellevue, Washington. And I have the opportunity to train family members in dementia awareness and professionals in dementia awareness. And so I am going to be sharing here and introducing someone who I met in this training. But when I met her and started to talk to her, I thought, oh my gosh, I have to share her with the world because what she has to say is so relevant to dementia awareness and emotional awareness. And Jocelyn, I can't wait for you to learn her story. So I think Jocelyn and I would like to go ahead and give her the opportunity to tell her story. First of all, Ami, could you introduce yourself and tell us a little bit about what you do for a living?

SPEAKER_02 2:19

Yes. Hi, I'm Ami Reichman and I work for a company called Silver Age Senior Living Advisors. And we call ourselves Senior Living Advisors. Some people might call us placement agents. We call ourselves senior living advisors because we do so much more than just placement. We have so many resources to offer clients. We partner up, um, not financially, but just get to know the various caregiver agencies, um, therapists, you name it, mover, moving companies. We keep a database, we vet them, we have people that we partner up with that we trust will help our clients. And so um, I think that there's pretty much nothing you can't come to me with, some kind of need that I can't give you a resource, a warm handoff to is what we call it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 3:10

You're talking about your clients are most likely elderly, probably retired, needing to look for a different kind of home living kind of environment, right?

SPEAKER_02 3:23

Yeah, I mean, honestly, it it most of my clients are the adult children that come to me because a family member is in crisis or about ready to enter a crisis situation. Um so but it just today I was working with the retired or a senior uh family today that was looking for the future too, that wanted to uh get themselves educated so there's no sticker shock. And it's mainly, I think we all as a team could agree that about 80% of it is the adult children that have come to us because their parent is needing to go into care, whether it be assisted living or an adult family home or memory care. Uh sometimes we get independent living, like a couples that are looking for independent living, they're lonely at home and they want to be part of a community. And that's always just a lot of fun because there's no crisis involved. It's it's yes, it's getting to know them and taking them to the fun places and see what resonates with them.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

And and that starts everyone on kind of changing their whole um retirement outlook. So, you know, helping them become um aware that there's lots of choices. I and so I really appreciate and and um am grateful for what you you and your organization do in that. Um and I love um working with placement agents or um care coordinators or care managers because I want to show them dementia awareness. And what I mean by dementia awareness, what what I really get on my soapbox about, is really understanding what dementia really is. I know we call these communities memory care communities, but I don't like to call it that because it's not about memory loss. It's about real executive function loss, which could be not even showing up as memory loss till very much longer down the road. So I help people to recognize dementia symptoms earlier, which is important for um uh our session that we had, Ami, helping you to recognize dementia symptoms, helping family members to recognize it, because then they can start making the kinds of decisions that you help them make earlier rather than waiting for the crisis, right? Yeah, yeah, exactly. So that's where the dementia whisperer comes in. I am so appreciative that I get the opportunity to be in front of organizations like yours, individuals like you, and really raise their dementia awareness because then it helps you just simply do your job better and help the caregivers understand how to better manage and communicate with their loved one who has dementia symptoms, helping all professionals engage and communicate and care for patients, residents, clients, however, um however their career brings them as the professional. So just um kind of as to show um how this is so powerful, I'd like Jocelyn um to talk about how dementia awareness helps her because um and and tell tell the world again, let's remind the world what you do besides um being on this podcast, but but how dementia awareness has helped you and and the staff that you work with.

SPEAKER_00 7:17

Hey, that sounds great. Well, I I'm Jocelyn and I work for American River Healthcare, and we provide medical and non-medical services for clients in their home. And I specifically um uh selling, marketing, the companion care, the non-medical, and then I'm certified life coach, and I really specialize in helping people that are navigating the care of someone that has dementia. And so uh being dementia aware uh helps me incredibly because I'm coming into people's lives typically when they are uh in crisis, that dementia has popped up, they're noticing it, maybe they have a diagnosis, and they're like, now what? And so it it helps me so much to help them to educate them and really almost calm them down that there is a lot of different options and there's a way forward, and families have so many emotions that pop up with all of that, and really a few years ago I saw there's such a gap, there's resources medical, non-medical, that can come into the home, or of course, just assisted living or memory care. So there are resources where we can get your loved one physically safe, but out of all the emotions that are gonna happen for you as you uh put that in place, there wasn't much help for families with all of that, and there's nothing like a crisis to bring to the surface some really big emotions, maybe some dysfunction. And so I help families with that. And coupling with Laura has been so helpful. She trains our caregivers. So when I'm selling dementia care, when I'm uh talking to families, I have this confidence that someone who's gonna come in and actually provide the care knows how different they need to provide this care because this person has cognitive impairment. It for me in my sales role, it it's just night and day and how confident I'm able to feel about uh what I'm offering to families. So, anyways, I'm so excited to hear your story. I think you're so interesting because you do this professionally. Of course, you come across dementia professionally or families that are dealing with it, if you're dealing with mostly the adult children, but then you're also personally dealing with it. And it's so nice for you to share how different the experience is when it is your own loved one. So I'm excited to hear your story.

SPEAKER_02 10:04

Even though I do um senior placement for a living, I am the owner of our company and myself, we are big fans of keeping them at home, if at all possible. So the fact that you bring people to the table that are well trained that can enable that. I mean, that's yeah, that's that is the first choice always, in my opinion. Yeah. Um, but I did share with Laura that I have a dad that's 91 who has Alzheimer's. And what we what I discovered in her lecture, even, is that how do I know it's Alzheimer's? I mean, I think she pointed out all these doctors just kind of put it in this bucket. Um, that kind of we never had a formal test test. We just went to a doctor and the doctor's like, oh yeah, his memory's not working well. He has Alzheimer's. Um, kind of interesting. I never thought about that. I was talking to an owner who's a very experienced RN in an adult family home that I go to often or a place in often. And I was telling him about this. I was telling him about you, Laura. And he said, you know what? Based on what you're describing, that sounds like vascular dementia to me. And I said, Really? He goes, where did you come up with this Alzheimer's? And I said, a five-minute doctor appointment. Yeah. So I think that's kind of interesting. You talked about that in your lecture. But and I hear that a lot, Ami.

SPEAKER_01 11:31

Yeah. And I will observe and I'll say to the family, you know, that, and I can't diagnose someone, right? Right. But that would not be that would not be really ethical. But what I can say is in my observation, this looks like because, you know, the dementia symptoms are going to relate to the loss, where the loss is happening in the brain, and every single cause causes different kinds of loss. So they'll have different kinds of symptoms. So, you know, um, this person was telling you vascular dementia, it could very well be because they're listening to the symptoms and connecting it to the causes.

SPEAKER_02 12:16

Yeah. Yes. And I said, should I go get them through the battery of tests? Should we get this determined? And he said, at this point, the treatment is the same. We just make sure that they have their dignity, we respond to them with love, we take care of them. You know, that there's no difference in the treatment. Yes.

SPEAKER_01 12:36

Yeah, because it's all dementia symptoms and loss. So why put a different cost?

SPEAKER_02 12:41

Right. Yeah. But um getting to the question, I digress, I'm sorry. Um in 20, and I do that often. In 2018, there was some medical problems with my parents. And um, my dad um has always he had uh central serous retinopathy, hard of hearing from working at Warehauser, and uh it's a mill. And um he was an engineer in a mill, I should say. Um, and um my mom kind of ended up being a primary, she's 10 years younger than him, but a primary caregiver for him because of his eyesight being maybe he maybe had 30, 35 percent left with his eye uh with the macular degeneration and and the other thing. Um and so my mom ended up getting really sick, and I I really didn't know about this for quite some time. It went on, she had some falls. Uh it's a combination of a lot of things that they could just only call failure to thrive. Like uh that digging into what happened there is kind of confusing. But she did end up um again in a hospital and then in skilled nursing, and the social worker said to me, Um, look at them, they're they your dad has bones sticking out of his body, she's not cooking for him. They're both really skinny. This is really sad what's going on here. So um if you don't do something about it, I'll call adult protective services. And I was like, What? You know, okay, so um, you know, they they are Indian and so they are not going to assisted living. So we got caregivers and I had them in place there. Uh, and things would happen, like the caregivers would come to the door, and my mom would say, We don't need you today, and slam the door on them. And um, we were getting in this particular small town, we were getting a lot of different caregivers with a lot of different capabilities. None of them knew really what to do. I mean, they were just there mainly for cooking safety, that kind of stuff. So it fell apart. I was taking calls every day at work, and um we ended up realizing we they need to go to assisted living. And that's that was a very difficult transition for them. Unfortunately, the assisted living that I placed them in, I wasn't doing placement at that time, but um I couldn't handle her level of care. And I didn't know how to ask questions like, do you do a two-person transfer? Right. Because I look at my mom who is 90 pounds, and you think, why do why do I care about a two-person transfer? Well, I do care because when that is dead weight on the ground, that's a two-person transfer to pick her up. And um, so I ended up pretty desperate in trying to understand what to do next. And so I kind of did a desperate post in our local um ask everything. And I just described a situation, and then uh a number of people said, call the owner of Silver Age, her name is Abby, uh, like a lot of people because she'd helped so many people up here. So I ended up calling her and she helped me find an adult family home for my mom that was right by my home, even. And uh, we got her in there and immediately like they were spoon feeding her back to life, they were helping her, you know, because she was all the way hunched over and they they were just meticulously taking care of her. My parents couldn't be separated, but this was a very temporary situation because my dad, um, the person that was supposed to move out of the adult family home, because they take six at a time, most of them, some take eight now, um, was supposed to transfer to Oregon and that couldn't happen because COVID hit. So my dad is stuck in the assisted living with his vision deficit and his hearing deficit and what we know now to be some form of dementia. And my mom was now being taken care of in this adult family home. And so um my husband and I made the decision to remove him in with us because we knew he was gonna get locked in his room, not locked in his room, he'd have to stay in his room, eat meals. I just a friend of mine said, You don't understand what's gonna happen, you've got to get him out of there. So we got him out of there, and on day one at our house, he had a cough. It was a very dry cough, and it turns out he came to our house with COVID in March of 2020. Yes. So he's burning up with fever. So we we went and got him tested because the executive director where he was living said, Well, we don't have it in the building. That's not possible. He's just old and he's coughing. Um, we went and got him tested anyway. It was on a Monday by Thursday. We had a positive um diagnosis. Within three days, his fever spiking. Um, no, the doctor he was seeing at the community he was living, no one's coming out. And so I they just told me he was gonna die in my house because nobody his age was making it. And so um he didn't. And I think that he didn't because we took such good care of him. We just babied him, right? He had fluids and vitamins, everything I could do within my power. Um, but he couldn't get into the adult family home with my mom because you had to have two negative tests to get in. I don't know if you remember that time. Well, it turns out that the elderly retained the dead virus in their nose for months upon months, even though they're not contagious. But back then they were saying he's in isolation, he's contagious, keep him in isolation. Like it was the poor guy spent so much time. I feel so bad about that. So finally we get two negative tests. If he was in our house in March, I believe we got him to my mom. I held his room, was paying for it that whole time, uh, in um July, might have been into June. Then my mom dies in August. And um, then the adult family home where he's living has had enough, and so they decide to close their doors maybe six months later. Now I have to relocate him again in a different adult family home. It's been it's been a lot, and so he is still there currently. Um, he has been living there since 2020. It has changed ownership once. Uh, and um, you know, he's well taken care of and and loved. Yeah. So part of my what I came to Laura about was he has about five different fact fixations, is what I call him. And maybe there's a better word that Laura can teach me, but he's very focused. Focuses might be a better word, uh, on my mom's death. He's he just he's just so heartbroken over it. It is like yesterday. So I'll walk in the door, I visit him often, and the first thing he'll say to me is, how long's you know, and when he's done giving me a hug and being excited to see me, how long's your mom been dead? I know that's coming like clockwork, right? And then it's like, well, what did we do wrong? How did we fail her? I don't understand why she's not with us. Uh, and then he always lets me know he cries every night in his bed for her and that he wants to be gone, he wants to die because he wants to be with her. So I'm, you know, we start out well, well, hello, dad. Okay. Uh and you know, I've always been okay. I'm yes, I know, I know you're so sad, right? Um and but this would go on like eight times in a two-hour period of time where he would say that, and then of course the money was a fixation, how much uh if this owner's gonna close her doors because that happened to him in the previous one, so he can remember that. There's just a number of things that he is left in his memory. So those are his focuses, and then five minutes later he's refocusing back on those things again. And so what Laura taught me was because the the thing that really is hard for me is this whole thing about my mom being dead and how long she'd been gone, and I'm crying, I'm I want to be gone too, and blah, blah, blah. And so I just really dig in now, and she says, if I'm hearing this eight times, I'm staying way too long.

SPEAKER_00 20:50

Right.

SPEAKER_02 20:51

Which I don't love that answer because I do want to spend so many, I want to spend days with him. I want to take him to do everything with me, but um, it's hard. And so I extra meet him where he's at, not just like I, you know, before it's like, I know it's hard. Now I'm just like, oh dad, I know you, I know you're so sad, and and we're sad too. We all miss her. I just really take it, it'll come back again, and then I say the same thing again. I just implemented her plan on last Sunday, and then when it came up again for the third time, because I know it's gonna come up and come up and come up, right? I said, Oh my goodness, look what time it is. I need to go home and make dinner. And I what a wonderful visit. I was so happy to see you, Dad, and I'll be back again. Good. I didn't leave feeling like I usually feel because I have to sit out in the car for 10 minutes and lecture myself. Um, and I just left and I felt good.

SPEAKER_00 21:51

That's awesome. When you left, can you remember when you this most recent time when it went well? You cut it short. Do you remember what you were thinking when you left. You were feeling good. What were you thinking?

SPEAKER_02 22:05

Well I there was a little bit of guilt because he likes me to stay. Sure. He loves it when I stay. He's so excited to be with me. Um and I told myself stop it stop it. Stop with the guilt. And I I said this was good.

SPEAKER_00 22:22

We had a meaningful moment together. Yes. We had a meaningful moment. That sentence and I'm sure others as well but that sentence caused you to feel good right it was that sentence and the reason I point that out is because no matter that sentence is always available to you. Always even if you went and you didn't so much have a meaningful connection like similar to that one. But you went and you were there even if it was a difficult visit you can still decide it was still a meaningful visit.

SPEAKER_02 23:03

He said I still showed up he still saw me I am consistent I got to see him like that sentence is available to anytime you want to think it and that's what made you feel good because before when you left what were you thinking when you didn't feel good well I can't use the word on the podcast but I might have been calling myself a few names you know like how how could you talk to him like that? How could you you know you're all you're his person. You know how do you think that makes him feel I'm just beating myself up yeah which makes you feel shame.

SPEAKER_00 23:41

Yeah yeah and shame says we should hide there's something we are messed up. There is something wrong with us and it makes it so much harder to go back again. Yeah and and so it's funny because we do that to ourselves how could I have done that I did that all wrong because we want to be better right we think that'll do it but it actually has the opposite effect it doesn't do us any good at all. So I'm so glad that you kind of tried it out and you realized but I want to take it one step further because I want you to see how powerful you are you are creating how you feel when you leave by the sentences in your head right and I know your brain's just offering them up to you based on how the visit went right that's what our interpret it we think about it and then we have a emotion from those sentences those thoughts but I want you to decide how you want to feel when you leave before you go in did you know you can't like I'm setting an intention before I walk in yes you decide when I leave I want to feel whatever maybe you decide I want to feel grateful that I got to see my dad I want to feel proud of myself for going.

SPEAKER_01 25:12

It's super easy to go see someone that is always fun it's way harder to go see someone that you don't know how it's gonna go right you should be proud of yourself for doing it again and again and again but you can actually decide when I leave I want to feel this way and then you ask yourself what would I need to be thinking about myself or this visit to feel that way and you get some senses some thoughts that feel true they can't just be made up mantra right they have to feel true or they won't make you feel an emotion but you get those ready so that when you come out and your brain starts offering you a bunch of stuff on default and brains love to point out what might be a problem especially with what might be a problem with us you redirect your brain to those thoughts right I I've coached a lot of women who are going to like a divorce proceeding and they're like oh I have to see my husband this is gonna be awful it's gonna be awful I'll be in a tailspin for days and I'm like or we could decide how you want to feel when the meeting ends before you go in and get ready because whatever you feel when you leave that visit you're creating and that's the best news because if you're creating it it doesn't matter how your dad shows up yes the way the visit goes is going to make it easier or harder for you to think and feel the way you want but at the end of the day you get to decide and with dementia awareness knowing that you really have to talk to his feelings now you can go in with the dementia aware phrases to help guide him on his actions because he can't do that on his own. His brain is only going to be able to choose the thoughts and actions that he had in the past because he can't learn something new. You have the opportunity to teach your brain something new. So when you go in at the very beginning you say this is how I'm going to feel um when I leave then your brain starts to look for ways to help him feel that way too because you now know you're talking to his feelings. So just like you did this brilliantly when he you were already thinking thoughts and thinking how you could help him think before he even asked about your mom. And that's what I was going to tell you you know head him off with the past think more proactive so he doesn't even have to ask you you say oh I know I miss her so much. And when I think of her it's like give getting a warm hug from her you know let's just think about how how a hug from her feels so good because those are real thoughts that he can still experience he hasn't lost any of that. So you're saying take it that step further even yes okay yes and so you're going in prepared throughout the whole visit how to help him feel which at the end because you're prepared how you're gonna feel it just your brain is just going to guide you along throughout the whole visit.

SPEAKER_00 28:50

Yeah isn't that exciting okay it's as if you're giving him thought he cannot any longer redirect his brain on purpose he can't think with intention maybe once in a while he can but overall he cannot do that anymore. But you and I can so you're gonna go in and you're gonna offer him some thoughts that you think will make him feel good. You're gonna give him these thoughts to try on and you'll try some and once in a while it won't work and you'll make note of that right but thoughts are like closed we kind of try them on and go, how does that make me feel okay I like that thought I'm I'm gonna hang on to that thought.

SPEAKER_02 29:33

Now you're doing that for him too and a kid I mean even getting away from my mom I'm I I if I'm following you correctly I can you know when the money comes up because no one ever said I I I want to spend the last five years or seven years of my life in an adult family home someday right um is is just saying oh my heading him off like oh dad your finances are doing spectacular exactly yeah you are so sad as a matter of fact I think there's gonna be some leftover for the kids just really saying it in a really positive way.

SPEAKER_01 30:09

You've done so good yes you've done so good you are such a a good um life builder with your finances and you know you every time we think of that I just think oh I'm so glad dad made sure we had enough how does that feel when you say to yourself I don't have to worry about money because I know I have enough we don't need any numbers right yes yes exactly exactly and one of the challenges that he now has is that he probably thought of finances black and white like numbers and that was enough but now he can't do that.

SPEAKER_00 30:50

It's all about how what we say makes him feel so as long if it you know even if he just has five dollars we don't have to tell him it's five dollars we just have to tell him it's enough that's all he needs to know how much money do you have dad you've done such a good job I'm always I always feel so good when I look at your bank account because you always have enough yes that's the only answer he needs okay when he's asking you that he wants to feel security safe just like all of us right if we want enough money whatever that number is so that we can feel safe and secure and like we can buy what we want to buy. So you are kind of guessing okay what would he like to feel why is he asking me about this maybe he's feeling nervous about it and he's wanting to feel safe what thoughts could I give him just like Laura said we have we're so set dad we have enough like you've done such a wonderful job. Thank you for doing that you make everything easier for me right you give him thoughts that can then generate for him the emotion of safety security feeling like a good provider yeah I get that if all of a sudden I because I'm in charge of the finances for my family right because I'm a former stockbroker former finance person so I know I know this stuff like the back of my hand it's easy.

SPEAKER_01 32:21

And so I think that if someone all of a sudden if something were to happen to me and I have no longer have control over this I had to hand it to my spouse even right I would feel very maybe spouse is a bad a child an adult child um I would feel very I don't know if insecure I mean you just pulled the rug out from underneath me I've lost all control that's how I would feel yes yeah 100% exactly wanting to feel a sense of control yes and he's lost all control over all aspects of his life yes yeah so we give that feeling of control back to him when we make him in the moment feel loved safe secure or valued and so when we say something like oh dad you've done such a good job you're you you have been all your life you've been such a good provider I don't have to worry about we always have enough you know how does that make him feel but you know it's interesting because in the past probably you know he wanted to look at the bank account and there was $25,475 in there and that was not going to be enough because he had $24,993 in bills. Well he didn't have to worry about that anymore because it's only about how this is going to make him feel and and in a really weird way I this is finances are something that I never worry about and it's kind of it's in the past until my husband started working with Jocelyn as well in the past my engineer husband found that very frustrating because he was always looking at the numbers looking at the numbers looking at the numbers engineer there it is. And so I was always just kind of in this well we'll have enough we'll always have enough because I always felt that way I never I can't understand numbers my brain doesn't work that way I'm like um a complete and I'm gonna use this harsh word a complete math idiot I can't I can't look numbers mean nothing to me mathematically challenged I am very challenged mathematically and so I had to learn uh and and I learned through um Johnson that it was okay I had to learn that um uh I'll always have enough and then when I started to share this with my husband it was like a magical formula he started to say no we have to look at the numbers and I say the numbers are great and thank you for looking at that but I just want you to look at these numbers with a little different perception because that number is always going to be enough no matter what it is because we're our our brains we're really good at this our brains are going to find ways to fill that vacuum if there is a vacuum. And it just began to be this this um literal magical formula between the two of us and suddenly we were so much more relaxed with finances. So I take that into the dementia world you know your your dad is there now so the only way we can make him feel good about this is to talk to the feelings not the logic and it's really hard not to do that because in the past that worked for him right yeah oh he's an engineer you nailed it just like we yeah yeah so I I think that abundance mindset that Jocelyn has taught you to use is really really just the key to everything. It is there's enough I always have more than enough always always it's it it may not look like it's there but we don't have to worry about that. But it's especially important that we learn this for ourselves because that's what we bring to those individuals that have dementia symptoms because they've lost the ability to connect the logic with the feelings now. It scares them when their brain has to try and do that because um they it it because their brain now is not working normally the way I like to say that is it's like pouring diesel fuel on a regular engine. It no longer works. Now they have a different engine in there and there's gaps that we can fill for them but you know just like you had talked about you know the question comes up again during your visit how long has mom been gone you know you get him calmed down he's feeling really good he's feeling that love for mom that warm hug he's feeling good because you're talking to his feelings but why in 15 minutes is he asking again because he has no place in his brain to store those feelings he only feels them in the moment if yep that's one of the biggest takeaway yes it's in the moment so how many times am I willing how many times can I tolerate um meeting him where he's at and doing that while every person is going to be different.

SPEAKER_02 37:47

Yes and every day might be different.

SPEAKER_01 37:50

I might have a shorter fuse than somebody else right and that's okay too it's okay you're you're exactly where you need to be if it works you repeat repeat repeat if you get tired of repeat repeat repeat it's time to go it's a you have my permission and Jocelyn's permission and your dad's permission and every caregiver around him you have everybody's permission that when you've had enough and he's had enough and you're leaving with a good feeling it's okay and and once some days you might do it say it five times and still have a good time and some days you say it once and you're you you're done it's okay that's what I can do for the day okay yes absolutely and some days you might decide I can't do it today and that's okay too right your relationship with your dad isn't something we can it's not tangible we can't put it on a shelf it it lives in your head it's your thoughts that you have about your dad and your thoughts that you have about yourself in relation to your dad that makes up a relationship.

SPEAKER_00 39:04

And so if you are visiting and either he's asking too many times or you've had a rough day but you find yourself not being able to stay in a good place about him and about this visit in your head now you're kind of getting mad that you have to be there or resentful or frustrated then you should go because that relationship is precious right like if if you are now thinking thoughts that make you feel bad about that relationship then it's time to go that day because you love your dad way too much to to change that relationship.

SPEAKER_02 39:46

You want to stay in a good place in your head in that relationship so you get to decide like Laura said I'm in control of it right you're in control that was the hardest thing for me to accept that oh really I'm in control I'm I feel like this whole thing is out of control but I'm in control.

SPEAKER_01 40:08

Yeah and so it was a big takeaway yeah we can't stop fix or change the behaviors or the decline or the symptoms but we can manage them by recognizing that we have this power in our brain and we can decide what each visit is going to be in our before during and after right yeah yeah like I made the decision last time so I'll walk in and it's it's the same people that have lived there and they all I don't know if they know who I am but you know I don't know if they retain who I am but the first thing my dad will say is do you know my daughter have you ever met my daughter now they've met me 200 times right and I used to just cook to hat and now I just like almost want him to say it because I find it so comical right and so instead of feeling annoyed by it I find it really funny.

SPEAKER_02 41:08

It's like it's a memory I'll always remember about him that he has such good manners that he just always introduces me and there's one lady that lives there that her she's she's got some aphasia but she remembers exactly who I am and she just laughs at him. She's like I've met your daughter a hundred times I know you know and that makes me laugh and yeah it's like finding the humor in the whole situation.

SPEAKER_01 41:31

Yes because that makes you feel good and it makes him feel good and it makes everyone else feel good. I was um visiting at a group home and and there were six residents that whom I'd never met I was coming to do a training there and um they were all sitting and they all have you know this personality and and ability and loss and and so we were kind of going around the room and the owner was in was um just telling them she was she was really um she she was saying things like oh this is Laura Wayman she's the dementia whisper and so they were all kind of looking at me suspicious because you know whenever um someone with dementia symptoms hears that they're going hmm she's gonna assess me she's gonna see that I have dementia symptoms whatever it is they usually don't like that. So we were going around the but what I was trying to do is is get them to relax and and so I was doing positive action statements. Oh my gosh you have such a beautiful smile or that's a really beautiful blanket. I I bet someone who cares about you very much gave you that blanket. Came to one lady and she was just kind of not really there. She wasn't really present with us she was she had that vacant stare and the owner introduced me and and I she opened her eyes and looked at me and said oh my gosh you have the most beautiful blue eyes and she had had aphasia inability to speak for years and years but when I looked in her eyes and it it was real I said oh my gosh you have the most beautiful blue eyes I think I've ever seen she got this big smile and she said thank you and then the owner almost fell over and and I said it's not I don't even need a name or a title because those that have this kind of loss it's all about how we make them feel they don't forget that they don't lose it. So when you go in there as his daughter but the way he's he's um presenting you in this loving way they never lose that they don't care about your name they don't even care about the title of a daughter it's all about how he is making them feel when he's talking about that's always proud of me but it's about how he makes you feel too Amy and how you're sharing that with everyone they pick up on that right

SPEAKER_02 44:00

My funniest the funniest statement he made, and I don't take this wrong, is I was kind of a wild child teenager, okay? Um, and so uh I gave them a hard time. And he always looks at me and he goes, I can't believe you turned out so good. So good. Like I like, I yeah, okay, yeah, I just love him and I don't even know him.

SPEAKER_01 44:27

I just love you.

SPEAKER_00 44:28

I love you. And Laura, I know she says this all the time that we're speaking to their feelings, and she's so brilliant at it. But that's what I want you to do for you. It all depends on how you feel. And as you move through this experience, there's gonna be negative emotion. Like nobody's excited that their loved one has a cognitive impairment, that they're aging, that they're living, you know, an assisted living. So that there is gonna be negative emotion, but there's also a lot of times where we make it, we make up more negative emotion because we're spending it in judgment of ourselves, right? And so the way you talk to yourself will determine the way you feel, and that will always the way we feel always determines what we do. And I know that you shared with us, I really want to do this well. I don't want to have regrets down the road. No, I don't. So when you hear that mean girl voice in your head that says, You did that so wrong, what is wrong with you? You're a professional, right? That's what happens to me. I'm a coach. I'm like, I'm a coach, and I totally did that wrong. So just kind of slow it down and and remember, I don't I don't have to believe these sentences. This is all optional, and there is zero upside to keeping these sentences. It's almost like sometimes I picture taking the sentence out of my head and examining it and be like, nope, don't need that one. Okay, right? It's all up for grams and the way. So you're saying if I slipped up, let it go. Yes. You are supposed to better next time. You're supposed to slip up. Did you know this? You're supposed to do it wrong, you're supposed to get frustrated. You know how I know? Because you do, and so does everybody else. It's so interesting that we know there's nobody who's ever gone through this journey and done every single thing, every word that came out of their mouth, every interaction perfectly. And yet we think we should be the one.

SPEAKER_02 46:48

Well, I I mean, I do do this. I work to families for a living, right? So I know I I think I told Laura, I can I can do it really well with them. I'll just meet him where he's at, and that's not him talking, that's the dementia talking, right? And all that. But then when my dad triggers me, I'm like, dad, stop. I think I said that once at dinner. It was just like on repeat when my husband and I took him out to dinner and we wanted him to have an he loves Italian food. Yeah, it was getting a lot to be a lot, and um, but I wanted to have this experience with them. But he he started in about wanting to die and my mom and the whole thing, and I just said, Dad, stop. Yeah, I knew that was wrong later, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 47:32

But in the moment, in the moment, Ami, you needed him to stop, you needed him to because you needed to be in a position where you could learn a different way, and that's okay. You know, we we don't come to this world with the ability to walk, we learn to walk. We don't come to this world with the ability to think, we learn to think, and it's ongoing, and so it was okay because what your brain was saying, I need to gather some more information, and your brain was already starting to say, I think that taking him out to an Italian restaurant is too much. I want it to be like it used to be. I know. Yeah, but your brain was saying, I'm gonna make it the same like it used to be, because that's what your brain wanted to do for you, but we can't stop it, fix it, or change it. We have to tell our brain, we have to think of this, we have to perceive this a little differently in order to enjoy it. And part of the perception is he can't enjoy an Italian restaurant anymore. So we changed the situation because you can. So it was just your brain trying to figure it out. Hey, this isn't working, so stop. We'll gather information, back up. And so um, I like it when um Jocelyn explains guilt because at that moment you were probably feeling pretty guilty. Why did I say that? That was oh, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 48:58

I had a few choice names for myself when I literally it was just like dad, stop. No more.

SPEAKER_00 49:08

Yes, yes, and guilt is such an interesting emotion because we get the idea when we're younger, I believe, that if we're feeling guilty, it's because we we're doing something wrong. We've done something or we're doing it wrong. But guilt isn't does not mean we're doing it wrong, it's just a red flag from your brain that says, hey, red flag, you might want to slow down. You have two value systems that have intersected, they butted up against one another, and you valued having this, taking your dad out and creating an experience for him that he would enjoy, and you valued yourself enjoying that moment with your dad, right? You and they they weren't able to both exist at the same time. They butted up against each other, and so your brain is like, wait a minute, hang on, we have an intersection, and that's all it is. It's just an opportunity to slow down and go, okay, wait a second. I have these two value systems. Do I like both of them? I do. I want to value my dad and my relationship, but I also want to value myself and my own sanity. I want to value both of those. And in this instance, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna decide we're gonna wrap this dinner up or whatever.

SPEAKER_02 50:27

But which is what I should have done. Slam that glass of wine down and said, Okay, we're ready to go.

SPEAKER_01 50:33

Yes. But you did do the right thing going stop, because it the two it they were intersecting at that point and it wasn't going to work. So stop. And that's when you tell your brain, okay, I'm stopping. I've got these two value systems that are buttoned up against each other, so there's got to be a different way. And that's what you did. You you said, I I can't, he can't enjoy the Italian recipe like he used to, so we won't do that anymore. I can't expect him to stop fixer change, but we can stop going because that's not pleasant anymore. I can grieve that loss. You know, you're sad. You can't do that.

SPEAKER_02 51:16

I want to that was about me. I wanted to have that again. Yes, for yourself. Yes, I still do, but I'm letting go of it piece by piece after meeting the two of you.

SPEAKER_01 51:27

Yes, yes. And you can go with your husband or or girlfriends or whatever, and you can have that experience, but you just have different experiences with dad. And that's perfectly okay. That we give you permission to do that.

SPEAKER_00 51:43

Yes, and be careful about like it's coming from such a good place. I see this all the time. Families will say, Well, I brought this audiobook, I thought they were gonna love it. I just wanted them to have fun, and of course, that's coming from a loving place, but it's kind of poison because when you think, I just want you to have fun, it feels like a lot of pressure. And then if they don't have fun, we start getting kind of controlling, like, no, come on, dad, listen to the book. You're gonna love this story, right? So we just really want it to be successful, but I want you to just let go of that. Let's let him have whatever experience he needs to have. And just like Laura said, in the restaurant, it was too much for him. So we're gonna let him show us by the way he's showing up that he's feeling overwhelmed. All right, dad, that's okay. We're gonna let him be overwhelmed. We're gonna soak in the information to change maybe what we do by not going into the restaurant anymore. But in a better way to go into that is I just want to love my dad. So I'm gonna take him to an Italian restaurant and we're gonna see how he feels about it. But we're gonna let him feel the way he wants to. I still can be proud of myself for trying, but you don't need to wait to be proud of yourself only if he has a good time. Because we can't control that part.

SPEAKER_02 53:13

Yeah, that the the kind of one of the things I've noticed about um dementia is it feels like they lose their ability to feel joy. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 53:27

Well, we have to imagine not really joy. They can't find it themselves any longer. We have to give it to them, but it's only moments of joy.

SPEAKER_02 53:38

Moments of joy, yes, yes. We want to think of the moment I walk in the door, he feels that that's joy, yes.

SPEAKER_01 53:47

You give him that just showing up, isn't that great?

SPEAKER_00 53:51

Yes, I never thought about it that way, yes, yeah, but but just like you and I can feel a moment of joy, and then we can be driving down the road tomorrow and think about that event that caused us to feel joy, and we can feel it again. Yes, like, oh yeah, that was so great. Yeah, he can't do that, he can't store that and then feel it again, but he can in moments, just like Laura said, and you can give him those moments, you know.

SPEAKER_01 54:20

You know, like think about this. If you go every day and he has this joyous moment when you walk in, and then you leave 10 minutes later, he gets that joyous moment the next day and the next day because he can only have it for a moment anyway, right?

SPEAKER_02 54:37

Yeah, my big takeaway it's about quality, not quantity. Exactly. Because the quantity part is for me. Yes. I have to mourn that part and understand that it's just not possible.

SPEAKER_01 54:53

What are some of these um things that we're talking about today that you now can share with the families that you're working with? I mean, you said it, you're already good at it. You're now you're gonna start sharing this stuff with you. But if you were to have like three things from dementia awareness, emotional awareness, the things that we've talked about today, what three things would you choose to make sure you could help the families take away?

SPEAKER_02 55:23

Yeah, I mean, so one is just what we talked about that it's about quality over quantity, right? Um, you go visit your parent. So is number one, you know, and and know when the time is for that visit to be over. Um and also just um every concern, every question, every everything that they express, every single time you're oh I know dad, I you know, I understand you feel that way, or oh my goodness, you're just blessed with so much money, you know, where you're fine, you're gonna be able to live a good life. Um, and um the I think the third thing is um we are all learning. We are all learning, and none of us are gonna do it perfect every single time. And we learn from our states how you're gonna do it differently next time, but not beating yourself up over it, just doing it differently.

SPEAKER_01 56:27

Absolutely, and those are our three such important points, and you know, you're talking about um, you know, none of us are perfect, and and answering any question or any statement with feelings and and working to make them feel loved, safe, secure, and valued, and then taking those feelings and enjoying them yourself, those moments of meaning when when he's expecting my daughter, like that brings me, that just makes me laugh.

SPEAKER_02 56:56

What you ladies do is just so important, just so important.

SPEAKER_01 57:01

We want to help you be um the very best at your job too, giving you these tools because every family needs this information, right? Oh, yes, yeah, every professional, every family, every first responder, um, every community member, every business owner, um, we can go on and on. So it is it just means so much that you've come on today and shared your story. We we look for ways to raise um dementia and emotional awareness and um and then to have you come and say, hey, this worked. This last time I did this and it worked. Oh my gosh, that that makes us feel loved and safe and secure and valued for sure. So that mental mindset.

SPEAKER_02 57:50

If you could have given me four things to say, I would have answered that. How are you how what are you what how are you gonna decide to feel when you walk in there? Yes, how are you going to decide to feel when you leave? Because it's a choice. I didn't realize it's a choice.

SPEAKER_01 58:04

Yes, yes, and your families that you're working with, they're so into um, is this the right choice? And how often should I visit? Yeah, and now you have the answer for them because you're gonna talk to their feelings too.

SPEAKER_00 58:18

Yeah, yes, yes, it's so true. And the truth is your dad in any given moment is doing the best he can, and so are you. If you could have done better in that moment, you would have. It was your best, right? And sometimes our best is awesome, and sometimes it's kind of not great. It was your best. And I want you to just every time you leave, I want you to walk out of that home and in your head be like, nailed it. Okay, go ahead.

SPEAKER_01 58:49

Mommy, I'm I'm gonna ask you to if you would like to share your contact information. So when someone's listening to this and they need a little help um finding a place for their loved one or for themselves, um, and we know you're in in the Washington state area. Yeah, you're you're there, but there are lots of people like you. So if you could um in and there may be many people in the area, because we want you to spread the word um in your area listening to this podcast. So would you like to give your your name and contact information again?

SPEAKER_02 59:24

Oh, of course, yes, yeah. So um I'm Ami A M I. My last name is Reichmann, R-E-I-S-C-H-M-A-N, and I work for a company called Silver Age Senior Living Advisors, owned by um Abby and Kenyon Durr. Um, and um my phone number is 425-894-3832. And I can be reached via email at omie at silveragecare.com. Awesome.

SPEAKER_01 1:00:00

And you all, if you're in need of this this kind of help, or even if you um uh see the the need to help your parent with any of this information, you can get a hold of any of us. We are here to help you. Um, we so appreciate you listening today, spreading the word. We wish you calm seas and gentle winds on your dementia journey, and we hope to see you next month. Um, I've got some exciting things coming up. Just have some exciting things coming up. So um just spread the words, raise dementia awareness. Thank you, thank you for being here today. Remember that caregiving is not just a responsibility, it's a deeply human experience. And you, every one of you, deserve support and clarity and compassion all along the way. So be sure and join me, Laura Wayman, the Dementia Whisperer.

SPEAKER_00 1:01:01

And me, Jackson, certified life coach for dementia caregivers. We are both here to remind you that you're not going through this alone. Your emotions are valid. Whatever you're feeling, is exactly what you should be feeling right now. And your resilience is real. I know and Laura knows that some days you probably feel like you're sinking. And on better days, you feel like you're barely floating. We are here to teach you to swim.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:30

We wish you calm seas and gentle winds on your Dimetric Care Journey. And we want to welcome you back next time and every time as we continue exploring the truth, the tenderness, and the transformation within this caregiving journey. Thanks for listening. Please like, subscribe, and leave us a review.