10 - The Long After

In this episode, Kat and Kyle open up about the long road of recovery — the months and years after disaster when most people have moved on but the grief hasn't. They talk honestly about what community support actually looked like, who showed up, who stayed, and where it fell short. 

This episode covers the questions that don't get asked enough: what do grieving families actually need that nobody gives them, what does moving forward really look like, and what does honoring a child mean when the world expects you to have healed by now.

If you are navigating loss or supporting a grieving family — this episode is for you.

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Welcome back to Friends with Benefits. This is the final episode of our three-part series. We've met Arlen, we've been through the storm, and now we turn to what comes after: grief, recovery, the ways a family and a community rebuild and carry each other forward. This episode is about resilience and remembrance. It's about love that continues even in the hardest days. We've covered so much ground in this series with Arlen's life and the day of the storm. I want to start here today with you today. I'm going to start right here now. Where are you now? We're looking at two years out approximately. What feels closest to the surface these days?

SPEAKER_03 0:43

I mean, um, I would say for for me, and we've talked about this a bajillion times, is how it still doesn't feel like mine. Like the house doesn't feel like mine, or my furniture doesn't feel like mine. There's a lot of things that still just don't feel very real.

SPEAKER_00 1:08

I mean, I agree with you on that point. I think there's there's definitely days, no matter what.

SPEAKER_03 1:15

Like it feels like you're in an endless time to just like just like it's like a dream that yeah, you just don't wake up from.

SPEAKER_04 1:23

And just the event itself really warped time for a lot of people too. It slowed down and then it sped up, and it you know a lot of people, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 1:31

When you say, like, oh, it was like that happened, like that was two years ago. Yeah, it's kind of crazy.

SPEAKER_03 1:37

I mean, more than two years ago.

SPEAKER_00 1:39

Like you drive around the community and like there's still remnants of you know, I mean, across the street, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:44

Like they they're still missing all their sighting, yeah, you know.

SPEAKER_00 1:49

I mean, yeah, house like right at the bend, like they didn't finish doing like the brickwork until two months ago. Yeah, so and then the front of the neighborhood. If you were to cut all that tall grass down and that's all, yeah, I'm sure there's so much stuff, and then all of like highway 24, exit one, all those trees are still still just sitting there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 2:11

Nothing happened like when you think about where you were a year ago versus now, what has shifted? Not not necessarily healed, but what has shifted? How how are things different a year out?

SPEAKER_03 2:26

The first year, and it it's it's hard because I actually I think the second year is harder than the first year. Well, the first year, it's everything is a shock. Every event, you know, you've got birthdays where Arlen is gone, or you're not in your home, or you're spending a holiday, you know, somewhere else, or doing something different than than what you've um established as like a you know tradition. And so that that is your entire first year. Everything.

SPEAKER_04 2:59

Plus all the rebuilding. So you're making decisions about yep, I don't know, I assume lighting pictures, I will say we we did get, I mean, Rick really took care of us in that sense.

SPEAKER_03 3:10

Like he he was like, give me an idea, give me a couple pictures of like what you like, and like I'll take care of everything. And he really did, and he delivered for sure. It was still going on in that first, and yeah, but we didn't have to make a lot of decisions.

SPEAKER_00 3:24

But then we went in the house until like right at almost a year.

SPEAKER_03 3:28

It was that a year. But the second year is almost harder because you're like you've already the shock has worn off, and you are now realizing like this is this is it. This is what forever looks like, and and that is a very hard thing to accept.

SPEAKER_00 3:50

I mean, also things change, so like there's the what-ifs too. So there's like you're seeing Ella, you know, become into a teenager and a young lady. You see an archer becoming almost the same age as Arland. So you're seeing things shift where like you have that like you'd be 13, you know, so you get to those points where you're like the what-ifs too. So I think as no matter what, like a lot of people say, like you'll you'll start to less and less. And I think it gets depends on the time, it gets worse and worse because he'd be hitting a different milestone himself. So you're like going to middle school, or like you know, yeah, like he'd be going into high school, it's gonna go so like those milestones, you know. Especially seeing it with with Ella. Because you look at pictures of her two years ago.

SPEAKER_03 4:39

How much she's changed.

SPEAKER_00 4:41

Yeah, yeah. How fast she's like sprout, like you know, sprouted up. She's probably gained what, six, seven inches.

SPEAKER_03 4:48

Oh god, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 4:49

I mean, she was shorter than you, I think, you know, when the tornado happened, and now she's taller than you. I mean, she could barely fit to your shoes, and now like she couldn't wear your shoe if she wanted to.

SPEAKER_03 4:59

Oh god, no. Her feet are bigger than my feet. Yeah, mine too. Yeah, like by like two sizes. No, she's her her feet are like two sizes. Yeah, it's crazy. She's got big feet.

unknown 5:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 5:09

So I think that's kind of a a good measure of the passage of time, too, is just how she's grown and changed and how Archer's grown and changed too. Yeah. Um, I want to ask you about the recovery, um, not necessarily just the initial, but the that long recovery, the one that doesn't show up in the news coverage. What did the first months actually look like in that recovery?

SPEAKER_03 5:34

I mean, it didn't look like a lot. I mean, we our big thing was get out of bed. That was like that was the only thing that was a requirement or a goal for the day. If we did more than that, great. But if all we accomplished was getting out of bed, like that was okay. Starting the day after, or did you get um days or it was probably I would say like a week after because Ella, I mean, it really stemmed from Ella because Ella spent, I want to say it was like the first week.

SPEAKER_00 6:06

Well, no matter what, the first I would say probably the first five days, you just we had so many people coming over, you know, because they were cleaning up the house, they were going through stuff, so there was a lot of people coming over. Um, and like we go over, we go through some, like this is ours, this isn't ours, we do want to keep this, or like this isn't worth keeping. So you were doing that initial thing, so you did have to get out of bed, you were like enclosed, and then I think it started like when family started coming in because we had a plan for the funeral. Then there was just a lot of things within like the first two weeks that like have to happen so fast, yeah. That it was like, I think after the funeral is really when it died off. I won't say like it's a bad thing, like when people were coming to check on us because that became a little overwhelming too. But there were so many different, you know, like people that were like trying to come over the after the funeral, it really did. It was a core like a group of people that were coming over after that. Yeah, and those people were like really trying to make sure like we weren't getting into like a vicious like downward spiral.

SPEAKER_04 7:12

Yeah. Once you moved past those first couple of weeks and even past the the goal of just getting out of bed, what did a normal day start to feel like you know, a couple months out?

SPEAKER_03 7:30

I mean, you went back to work first. Um it took me a lot longer. I mean, I wasn't even back to work until we moved into like the long-term rental. And so I would say, like, a normal day for me, you know, I get up, I take the kids to school because we, you know, I mean, you know, you when you're not in your home, you have to drive your kids to school. We're really blessed with where we live in the sense of like they can walk. Um and and then like I'd go home and I don't know. I sometimes I just sit, do nothing, absolutely nothing. Sometimes I played video games, sometimes I would like clean a little bit, but even I don't recall doing very much cleaning or cooking during that time frame.

SPEAKER_00 8:22

Yeah. Well, I mean, like Monday, I think I went back for the simple fact of like trying to get us all out of a run. They were like, Are you sure?

SPEAKER_02 8:37

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:37

And it was like I I don't have any question. And then there was a couple times where I thought about like coming back home. I was like, I think I'm just gonna spiral even worse if I do that. So it was like I think that was like getting back out of like having to do like uh to show like Ella and the show you like where I'm trying to slowly move forward too.

SPEAKER_02 9:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:02

Because my grieving was, I think, you know, with the military and like seeing things overseas and like being so close to like those things, like you grieve very quickly. Like you're almost institutionalized to grieve because like the mission. There's another tornado. Yeah, you know, there's another thing that's gonna happen. So like you don't have time. So like you you the way they they have you grieve is is so fast and rapid, and like you you come numb to it. So like I think I even told her when that happened, like you grieve so fast that you kind of wash away. And it's a little bit harder now for me because like now it's like a child and it's like it it replays where I think like with Iraq and Afghanistan, it kind of just those things stay there, yeah. Like, yeah, you can like memories and like you can you can talk with buddies that like hey, I missed this or I missed that. But like this is like every day it just like recycles, recycles, recycles.

SPEAKER_03 9:56

Well, I mean, I know I for I mean, I know when we first moved into this house, you you had you had a moment, and when I say moment, like a month of like it was hard, it was really hard for us to be back. I mean, even though nothing looks the same, yeah. Like nothing, nothing looks the same, nothing feels the same. I mean, even our yard is totally different looking.

SPEAKER_00 10:22

Yeah, just set up I mean yard doesn't look anything like no, but like it's still I think it was the thing with being able to like hold the driveway and like the next or neighbors or the neighbors across the house is where our like that kind of like triggered me as like I'm looking at that constantly, and that's what you see when you look at it, yeah. And there was like a huge moment where we like talked about like whether we're gonna move or we're gonna stay, and like we wanted to stay first of all for the community. Everyone was just so great and they helped out, but then like did you want to leave the house and like where he like passed away? So that was a big thing of like why we stayed too. But they could bother me where I didn't care where we lived, I just didn't want to be here.

SPEAKER_03 11:07

I wanted to be anywhere we sit on the beach, or we could be in Arizona, we could be anywhere else but here, which is it's wild because that's how I felt in the beginning.

SPEAKER_00 11:18

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:19

I didn't want to be here, and he was like, No, we should stay, or or at the very least, you were very big on we're not making that decision, you know, right now when we're in the grieving process, it's just too raw. And then you had almost like an opposite a year later, and I had to give you the same exact advice. Like, we're not in a place to like make that decision. And I think I feel like now I feel like we made the right decision to stay.

SPEAKER_00 11:48

Yeah, I mean, uh, I think I I don't know where we would have gone, like as far as like where we would have planted roots. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 11:56

Um at the end of the day, no matter where we are, Arlen is not with us, right? And that is our reality. And and we can be anywhere in the world, and that is still our reality.

SPEAKER_01 12:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 12:21

What kind of support mattered most to you? Was it practical help or meals or money or just being present? What did it look like when when people were being supportive in a way that really mattered?

SPEAKER_00 12:37

I think it was all of it. Yeah, you know, to a certain extent.

SPEAKER_03 12:43

Um, I don't think enough people realize like how important money is and giving money. Um, because you just you you you don't realize how like like talk us through that.

SPEAKER_04 12:57

Some people don't like to give money because they're like, well, where's this gonna go? But what how did that serve you?

SPEAKER_03 13:03

Um well, I mean, for us, there's the the difference between your your insurance and and what it actually costs to rebuild. Um, and then on top of, like for us, and and not everybody had this experience, but like we had to buy everything. Yeah, you know, we were 36 years old. We had like I thought about like my Christmas decorations.

SPEAKER_00 13:28

Yeah, 18 years of your life, you know. We bought we're both out of the house by like 16. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 13:33

So and so like I like I thought about my Christmas decorations. I had, you know, collected and contributed to that Christmas, you know, collection over eight years, nine years. And I and remember that year? What I remember I said I was like, I'm done, like it's finally complete. And and now I have to start over. And so and the sentimental ones, too. Oh yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

Stupid shit you don't think about. We were when we were we were in the first house, I think we someone had brought like a pizza and we made pizza and we didn't have a pizza cutter.

SPEAKER_02 14:12

Yes.

SPEAKER_00 14:12

Like this is the same, like yeah, we didn't have like just basic things that you've collected, like apple peeler. Yeah, you're just like things that you're like, oh okay. And then like you start to like grocery shop or you start to go buy all that again, you're like, holy Jesus. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 14:27

Well, and I remember when we um moved into the rental, you know, we were like, Oh, we're gonna cook such and such meal. You don't have anything, you literally have nothing to no pots and pans, no utensils, no plates to put them on. I mean, it's just wild how much you have to rebuy all at once, all of it at the same time.

SPEAKER_00 14:53

I think like the first time we went shopping, we were like, we need two beds, we need two of these, two of these, we're in furniture. And that wasn't even the start of it, it was like 20 grand.

SPEAKER_02 15:04

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:05

We didn't blink an eye, yeah. And it was like just the beds, just like some like some dressers, a kitchen table, like not even a big couch, no, you know, a couple of chairs.

SPEAKER_03 15:16

It was like we in that rental, it was literally the basics.

SPEAKER_00 15:20

And it was like, I remember she was like, Oh, yeah, it's gonna be right around 20 grand. Like, holy I'm like, But I mean, what are you gonna do?

SPEAKER_04 15:26

You have to like and it wasn't even just the beds, then it's the bedding for you know, the sheets, that was pillows, yeah, everything.

SPEAKER_03 15:34

Yeah. And I mean, I remember kind of along the same lines, like, how many times did we go to Target and drop four grand? Yeah in one sitting because we had to buy, you know, our coffee maker, our air fryer, our crock pot, you know, all of those random things that like you really do use and need. Yeah, we had one of those. And and so, you know, we would spend three, four grand in one shopping trip. And and that's crazy. I mean, that's crazy to think about. And then there's also, of course, there's things that you you literally can't replace. Yeah. Um, I was I was actually thinking about this earlier today. Have you seen the trend on TikTok where it's like, where were you in the 90s? And like people like post like pic, and I was like, I used to have all that. I used to have all those pictures, and I don't anymore. And so so money is more important than I think people realize. And people are spending more money than you would ever even imagine. Just to get close to where they were. Because I mean, like, technically speaking, like, sure, is our house bigger? Do we have maybe more furniture than what we did before? Shh, yeah. Okay, yeah, sure, we do. But like so.

SPEAKER_00 16:55

If you think about it, I mean we have less we have less rooms as far as bedrooms in this house than we did in the other house. We had the same exact living. Well, I mean, the living space is different, yes.

SPEAKER_03 17:06

But but what I'm getting at though is that like even with that, we still like the pictures you see on our wall, that's all we have.

SPEAKER_01 17:15

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 17:17

You know, where you know, if you see all of those types of things, um, and and that's the the part that you're like, you don't think about that. Yeah. And and you don't think about that for somebody else, right? Who's you know, had a house fire, or like there's lots of ways that you can lose everything.

SPEAKER_04 17:38

Well, and talk a little bit about um what you didn't know in terms of a homeowner's insurance, that difference between the value of your house versus the cost of rebuilding. Why was that such a COVID had happened?

SPEAKER_00 17:54

Yeah. And then COVID happened, and building materials went up, everything like inflation happened. Um it really, I mean, like it skyrocketed. And I remember now like talking about it too, is you should re every three years, you should redo like how much money you need for your insurance. And now, like 100% do it now, but before, like, no one would even think about it. Yeah, to like, oh our house was you know$300,000 to build back then. That same house is now six hundred thousand, and like insurance gives you an overage, but it's like three hundred and eighty thousand or close to four thousand, and it's still two hundred thousand dollars short to build the same exact home. Yeah, you know, years uh, you know, different, but your insurance you didn't increase your insurance to to cover that gap.

SPEAKER_02 18:41

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:42

I mean I know it was terrifying when uh when it happened. Remember, we were in the hotel room, we just got Ella, and I was like, Who's our insurance company? And like I called, I called three different insurance companies, and they're like, There's no policy. I was like, Oh my god.

SPEAKER_04 18:57

Well, you wouldn't have had any papers or anything on your insurance company either, right? Did you lose all like I file home?

SPEAKER_00 19:03

But but it was just one of those like you know, like you just lost, you know, Arland, you know, we just got hell out of the hospital, and like you started everything's starting with like kind of like, oh my god, what's the next step? And it was like we need to call insurance to figure out what the hell is the next step, and then we're like, who's our policy holder? And like you think it's like QSAA, and you call them like, no, like you're not like oh god, you know, like okay, it's then this person you call them. I do remember like it wasn't until like the fourth person we called, like they're like, Yeah, like you have a problem. I'm like, Oh my god, thank God. But I remember like going through that, I was like, we just lost our entire house, everything, and we might not have insurance.

SPEAKER_03 19:42

Which we definitely had insurance, yeah. Like in the moment, yeah, yeah. So what we learned was the so when you talk about the value of your home, you are talking about what you can sell your house for. And so, like in our neighborhood, for an example, you could sell your home for let's say$400,000, but the cost to build that same exact house is probably not$400,000. It's probably much more because of COVID is a big, big, big piece of it because like lumber prices went like through the roof. Um, shipping cost for goods is so much higher than it used to be. I mean, still to this day. And so the same exact house that might be valued$400,000. So I remember I can't remember exactly what ours was, but it was like$580,000 was the estimate that we got from the adjuster to rebuild the same exact house that we had before. And and they were not even recommending, and that was like a whole other crazy thing because I mean, I mean, I remember Rick was like, no way, but they didn't think that we needed to like tear out our foundation. Oh, or you know, things like that, which costs uh actually a very substantial amount of money to even just yes, found big room. Because it's all done by like weight, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 21:11

Yeah, the only thing that saved us was like I think when the inspector came, he was like, No, you have to tear the foundation because the tornado had taken the electrical plumbing below the the actual foundation.

SPEAKER_03 21:23

Yeah, it had like ripped it.

SPEAKER_00 21:24

There's no way to like like to fish that out. Yeah, like no, you have to bring this up and figure out how far it catastrophically did something with it.

SPEAKER_03 21:32

Yeah. And I will say, we're I wouldn't say we're the only ones who replaced our foundation, but there's quite a few houses on our street that did not, and that blows my mind that anybody would build on that.

SPEAKER_04 21:47

Um was there anything that helped you that you didn't expect to have helped you during that recovery period?

SPEAKER_03 21:55

I mean, we were just talking about this, my my video game. And I I mean I needed the because it's like a quest. It's a quest of the game. And so yeah, I like to like check a dopamine boost. Oh my god. Well the dog was supposed to be for me. And it was Ella's dog. And he is still very much so Ella's dog. And I mean he's he's got some issues. Like we know he's not gonna be a long-lifed dog. And like just the idea, like when he hurt himself that like broke her heart. I don't know what she would do.

SPEAKER_00 22:45

They told me like how much it was gonna be for Sandra. Her dog is gonna be a Voz. Like we'll we will cremate him and his ashes will be in a glass jar for now. I could buy you two dogs for how much they were talking about this.

SPEAKER_03 22:57

I mean, it's I I can't believe um how much the because it's uh it's IV. Yeah, he is not dead. No, no, kidding.

SPEAKER_00 23:05

I said that I was like, oh yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:07

But he's got Ivy, I IV, what is it? IV D D is what it is, yeah. And oh god, it's crazy. I mean, it's really crazy.

SPEAKER_00 23:17

Um I mean to see like a dog drag his back legs, you know, like he's for like two weeks, and then all of a sudden then he's jumping off a couch again and you don't want him to jump off the back.

SPEAKER_03 23:28

Yeah, we like have to like stop him because he's not supposed to, but we've you know, he's he with a little bit of steroids, like if it starts to bother him, we we give him some medication for a few days and then he's back to normal. Yeah and it's no big deal. But I mean it is a big deal, but it it's you know, it's manageable. What did you have?

SPEAKER_00 23:48

Work? Probably like going back to work, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 23:52

Maybe that makes sense just to kind of break up the monotony and get into a routine again.

SPEAKER_00 23:56

I think so. And I think um because like my line of work, you work so long, and then there are days where you can work like past 12 hours. Like so, I think that like someone else's you know, like I was fixing someone else's issue. Yeah, so I think that's what did me too. And then just being close back to like a lot of people that like did a lot of the legwork when like we didn't want to have like we like physically and emotionally and mentally couldn't do anything like that. Yeah, it wasn't even a being being around those people too.

SPEAKER_03 24:30

So I think that's what well and and we've talked about this, and uh like you you got to go to work and feel kind of normal.

SPEAKER_00 24:41

Yeah, and and that was super empathic. So like I just feed off of the other people's emotions, and like so. If I'm in too much grief or I'm watching it, like I there's no way to get me out of it. Yeah, so I think going getting away from that would like help me too.

SPEAKER_03 24:59

Yeah, so I was like Whereas like I'm I'm not the opposite in the sense of like being an empath, but normally like when when we're in like a bad situation, like I'm the doer, like I'm and I needed to not do, yeah, I needed to sit. Yeah, and this is like the one not doing nothing, and I literally did nothing. I mean, like I remember like there were many days where I I sat you would call me and what you do nothing. I came home and I sat down and I haven't moved, and that was what I needed.

SPEAKER_00 25:41

Like, you know, you got out of bed and like you got to one room or one grocery shop in or did a load of laundry or yep, and then like that was it.

SPEAKER_03 25:52

Yep, and that's that's okay.

SPEAKER_04 25:56

Is there anything people said that just kind of landed badly with you?

SPEAKER_00 26:00

Not that they intended to, but was there were there things people said that made you feel uncomfortable or angry or probably plenty of times where like someone's trying to resonate with you, and like they'll bring up the I lost a child, or any of that or well, I don't think we ran into I lost a child. It was I I lost a parent or I lost a brother or grandparent and their uncle, like and there was nothing wrong with it, they're just trying to like resonate with you, but you hear that over and over, like you know, we like in the maybe 30, 60 days of like truly like people, I'm so sorry, hearing that over and over again.

SPEAKER_03 26:38

Yeah. I mean, even just you know, I'm sorry for your loss is which a very normal response. People think that, like, you know, this is like what you say when somebody, you know, loses somebody. Even that is like it wasn't enough. Like it it was it just felt very hollow because it did not fill anything inside of us, or at least not for me. And and people, they don't mean it like yeah, like yeah, you're trying to like be supportive, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 27:14

Aside from the way you speak to people now when you know they're dealing with loss and they're grieving, has anything else changed in how you might now show up for someone who experiences loss like this? What would you do differently that maybe you wouldn't have done before going through it yourself?

SPEAKER_03 27:35

I think that I I will say um like physically being there is a lot harder for me now. Like we we we've had a few friends that had lost um somebody. And like I mean, like I was I was there for the big moments that I needed to be. I said the things that needed to be said, I helped in the ways that I could, but like could I sit with them in their grief? Like, no, I couldn't. Um, and and that's that's that's hard. That's hard to accept. Like I I don't know if I ever will be able to do that again.

SPEAKER_04 28:17

Because it's gonna pull you right back to it's just gonna make everything come to the surface again. Yeah. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 28:25

I mean, I guess like that, like that that's a good point though, too, is no matter like how far you try to get away from it. Like certainly three things you can promise to anyone in life. It's death, taxes, and change. And death is gonna happen no matter what.

SPEAKER_03 28:42

Yeah, you're allowed to scream. You like it, you know, if you need to punch a pillow, like you know, whatever it is that you need to do, like you should do it. Um, if somebody told me like I can't get out of bed, then don't. Yeah, stay there, you know, and and that's okay. I think that we live in this world of just like constant, like if it doesn't feel good, then it must be wrong. And like that's not true. That's not true. And so, like, sometimes we do have to feel like the bad. I mean, the that is what lets you know that like you loved someone or that you experienced something, we're screamed differently too.

SPEAKER_00 29:23

So like I think that was one thing that a lot of people were shocked or like surprised is like we both made it together. Because like think like loss of life with a child can like can split a whole family.

SPEAKER_03 29:37

Yeah, I mean, I I would I would definitely say the big big reason why we made it as a couple is because we accepted each other as we were. And like, and I mean, truly, especially in those first days and first months, like who we were in that moment wasn't was not great.

SPEAKER_01 30:01

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 30:01

I I mean, like, there's definitely many times where I I know, like, I can look back and be like, oh my god, like what was I doing? And you know, but you it wasn't like you were like, oh, you know, snap out of it or shower or do something, cook a meal.

SPEAKER_00 30:18

I think I've seen pictures where I'm like I yeah, yeah. I I it was actually I did like one side of your hair be fully curled, the other side just be straight, and you just like okay.

SPEAKER_03 30:30

Yeah, I just did not know.

SPEAKER_00 30:32

I don't think I just thought, you know, you had noticed that like you look at pictures like damn, I was calling you.

SPEAKER_03 30:39

It just I was sad. And so I just I didn't care. Um, I mean, I remember for the longest time I didn't wear shoes.

SPEAKER_04 30:47

Well, this might be a good opportunity to to change the direction a little bit and talk more about the community of Clarksville and how the community showed up. What did that look like at different intervals immediately after six months, after a year, two years? How did Clarksville help you get through this?

SPEAKER_03 31:07

I mean, for me, and I know yours is a little bit different, but for me, all the ways that people are like bringing Arlen like forward with us, that probably matters the most. That's probably what ultimately like keeps me here is if I lived in Phoenix, he'd be forgotten. You know, like in what if they did? What are some of the ways? They dedicated the gym at the school. They um the Clarksville Phoenix have they uh retired a number for him and the same thing as the team. Even just cards, people from all over. I mean, we had people, you know, miles and miles away. They didn't know us, they didn't even technically live in our community. And sending like I still have all of that. I've kept it all. Yeah, I'll do something with it eventually, but like right now it's a box, but it's all there. Um I mean, I like also think of like like the flag that they put up, you know, this last year, and they made a box for it.

SPEAKER_00 32:16

This is like so I I'll say, like, you'll like what's bad about social media too is someone will like say something and like you get when they like thread or like yeah on Facebook, you know, clerks will check. And like, hey, and this and I'll say for the most part, you'll you will get eaten alive. Like there will be a cur a couple people like, hey, it can help you out. But like I think if we were to like say something when they did they they put a couple things out too. Yeah, it wasn't like a single, I mean, of course it's not gonna be a single negative thing, but it was how many people were like, where do we drop off?

SPEAKER_03 32:50

Also, like the I thought the coolest thing was the amount of people who came to us that like they were like, I knew Arlen. Yeah, yeah, and they would tell us like stories about him that we didn't even know. Yeah. And I thought that that was I thought that was unbelievable.

SPEAKER_01 33:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 33:11

And then some people even had like pictures and videos of of him like playing with their kid, or like um this adults was kind of wild too.

SPEAKER_00 33:22

Like, you know, like our son, or like we we met your son through our son, or we met, you know, him at school. Yeah, you know, so like that was really cool.

SPEAKER_03 33:32

Yeah. Yeah. The amount of of people who had like just some really cool story to like share with us about Arlen. And it was like the like you just don't realize how much like of your child's life you're missing, I guess, in a way, because like they have they have a whole life without you. Yeah. Yeah. And like, do you remember the the one story of there's somebody that Arlen would pass on the way to school? And he would like, I guess, like sing to them, or like he would sing from like the sidewalk. And like, what? I had no idea that he did that. And I thought that's just like the coolest thing, like what a cool story. And but like that's like that was just really neat. And if we'd lived anywhere else, would it would it be like that?

SPEAKER_04 34:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 34:26

I don't know.

SPEAKER_04 34:27

And if you had left after, would all of that have made its way back to you? Yeah, sure. Yeah, yeah. Well, I think it's also important for people to hear maybe where the community fell short because you know, we always want to learn from our mistakes and do better next time. And this was a massive, massively devastating event. I mean, it really was. So were there opportunities throughout the day, the weeks, you know, after where you felt like the community or um, you know, services within the community could have done things differently.

SPEAKER_03 35:08

I think that the lack of preparation or preparedness um people had in our community, because it's this was the first um tornado that took life. So I I think a lot of people didn't just weren't prepared, you know, didn't have a plan in place. We've we've talked shoes, didn't have shoes, you know, to to wear. Um but then also like how many people like did they even know what to do?

SPEAKER_04 35:39

And I mean, like because so many times we get false alarms here. I mean, I think now they're better, even just since that tornado, they're better. Um, but prior to that, it felt like it was just kind of a joke in the community.

SPEAKER_03 35:51

Oh, there's another tornado warning, or like I'm gonna go sit on the porch and watch it then, you know, things like that.

SPEAKER_04 35:58

It wasn't taken. And we had been here for three or four years prior to that and seen warnings and stuff come in, and nobody did anything different.

SPEAKER_00 36:08

No, I think everyone's ability to like like stay in place. Um yeah, that's I thought we were talking about that too. Like, whenever um like I showed up to the house and like Arlene was across the road, and I remember like he wasn't covered yet, and it was me and him, and I definitely was screaming, and like we replay like replaying it now. It's like how many smaller children were like walking by with their like their parents, and I get like you, like everyone wants to see the devastation and all that stuff, too. But it's like, man, like how many like young kids were exposed to like a dead body, yeah. You know, like and very poor people. What's wrong with that boy? Yeah, like bomb, what's wrong with that boy? Like what I'm curious, like what did you tell your your child? Like, what did you tell your little tiny girl? Yeah, like he's dead who was sure, like picture, yeah. Like he's sleeping. Like, I'd love to know, you know, because there was a picture going around that someone had taken, yeah, and I don't think they were trying to capture me and like him, but like you could see like me grieving over his body, and like it and delete the two, but I think you know, the awareness of like allowing like actual like emergency vehicles to get and go where they need to go, and not like let's go follow the pathway. Looking at the case, yeah.

SPEAKER_04 37:27

We talked about that. You couldn't even drive far enough into the neighborhood to get up here. I mean, uh obviously some of it was from the wreckage, but there were also people just coming into the neighborhood and just driving in circles so they could see it. And the emergency vehicles could not get in and out of the road. That was a huge um, I don't know, like mistake. I think that if we'd have had someone directing traffic or something, if if people would have stayed at home, um, we could have gotten emergency services in here faster than what we were able to do as a neighborhood, as a community. Yeah. Yeah. And I think they did better in the days after we talked too about, you know, we did end up with police presence at the front of the neighborhood, and they were really good about limiting movement within the neighborhood. And um I think we had some curfews and people monitoring for looters because that was happening. That was almost like a reactive, we didn't have those things in place in the beginning. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 38:27

And that and and that's kind of like that's what I'm saying with like the preparedness is you know, we it's never happened, and so we weren't prepared when it did. And nobody wants to think about it. Like, nobody wants to think like, oh, this this could happen in our town.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

This this tornado did, you know. I mean, there was a lot of people born. I think you know, the one that went through downtown was but nobody died in that either.

SPEAKER_04 38:51

Yeah, and it's more business. It was the courthouse, it was a yeah, yeah. It's not really a name. I mean, I guess there's a lot, you know, houses down there, but it seems really more businesses. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:02

And so it's, I mean, it's just like you don't want to think about the worst thing, yeah. But in all reality, like that would be my advice is people need to think about the worst thing. And and what what do you do?

SPEAKER_02 39:14

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:14

So that you're ready because it could happen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 39:18

I mean, it did and we've had several scares since then.

SPEAKER_03 39:22

We have.

SPEAKER_04 39:22

We've had an EF Zero take the same exact path like a year or so later. Yeah. I mean, I know that's not you know as devastating, but it is it is a region where it's going to keep happening. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Is there something that something specific you want other families in this tornado country or or alley to have, or what advice would you give people um who live in an area that's prone to tornadoes?

SPEAKER_03 39:55

I mean, one of the things, I mean, and hopefully someday I'll be able to have enough, I don't know, capacity to do it. But I think that I I think tornado shelters should be required, especially like I get like, you know, older homes, but like new, new builds, you know. So like this, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 40:17

That's almost every home. Yeah, you know, I don't fashion of like some type of shelter.

SPEAKER_04 40:21

Well, and they can it's easy for them to build basements and here it, you know, the soil is different. And so they oftentimes we'll say that it's just not a good thing.

SPEAKER_03 40:29

Oh, the test of going down, but yeah, you know, but I mean, like what's crazy, and we we found this out, you know, like when we were actually um building, is if you're building a house and you put in a tornado shelter, like for one, you can include that in your home loan. Yeah, and they're not that expensive. They're really not they're like five grand.

SPEAKER_04 40:52

Even after that, I mean ours wasn't even five. Ours is, I think, like three thirty five, maybe.

SPEAKER_03 40:56

And and so it's like, wow, why why wouldn't you invest? If you're spending three hundred down, like I'm spending three hundred thousand dollars, what's three hundred and three? Like, what does that really do? Nothing, like just do it. Um, so I would say that. And then I'd also say like like centralized location for like your paperwork, or like if I mean if you ask me, what do you have in your tornado shelter today? Which obviously it's all we have pairs of shoes for everybody. Um we have a poop bucket. We we I mean, I probably take it too far. I I even have like cans of oxygen in there. Um, but I mean, we anything we didn't want to lose, like it's there. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 41:45

I think uh like reevaluating your insurance as well, too. Yeah, every like couple years, like just about how bad inflation is, like call and like I think so, like a realtor made a really good point. She was like, it costs nothing for us to give you an evaluation of like what your house is worth now. So it's like reach out to a realtor every like three years and say, Hey, like what do you think I could sell my house for?

SPEAKER_02 42:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 42:07

And then you know, gives you a good estimate of like, okay, I could sell for that. It's like now going through too, like, I mean, if I could like replay all of it and like know this is gonna happen, like I much would have like rather had like spent more money on like over insuring myself and less that way, like we didn't have to like rely on the community and like donations to like help like cover the excess cost.

SPEAKER_03 42:30

Yeah, because and that gap was big. I mean massive.

SPEAKER_00 42:33

It was over a hundred thousand dollars.

SPEAKER_04 42:35

Yeah, between plus you had the funeral too, like that's an added expense, it's not part of homeowners insurance or anything like that.

SPEAKER_00 42:43

So that added to that that was brief too, and like god forbid, like we still don't know to this day. Someone like paid for the entire funeral.

SPEAKER_03 42:50

Somebody did. Oh wow, but like it was like an anonymous donor, I guess.

SPEAKER_00 42:55

Um idea, like who it was, but like we don't we don't we don't know for sure.

SPEAKER_03 43:00

Yeah, it's it's it's it's wild, the things well, and then FEMA. Yeah, we we didn't qualify for FEMA because we have insurance. I mean, so you you like there's just so many things that it's like sounds good and then in retrospect, like it it doesn't fall in place at all. Yeah, no, and but again, like it all comes down to we as Americans or in the United States, like if it doesn't feel good, like don't go there. And it's like I it doesn't feel good to talk about these things, but God, like you need to talk about them. You need like it does happen, and then like what are you gonna do? Like, be ready.

SPEAKER_04 43:47

Is there something you've learned about grief that you wish someone had told you? I like deep grief.

SPEAKER_00 43:58

Never ends. Yeah. Ever.

SPEAKER_04 44:00

Ever change shape.

SPEAKER_00 44:05

I think like um I'll grieve to be like sad and then grieve to be happy with the two.

SPEAKER_03 44:13

Yeah, because I mean there's times where like you are happy and like that feels sad.

SPEAKER_00 44:19

Yeah. You know, because like you're missing music, like different things like that me and him like listen to. And like now, like I get so mad. Like I get like because like I want to like the song and like I still do. Yeah. But like it makes me tear out, like it makes me cry, and like because it's just another yeah, like why the fuck am I crying at this song?

SPEAKER_04 44:37

I love this, and like he but it's another reminder of a moment that isn't here anymore. Yeah, yeah. And you were talking about that too, with that long recovery, is I don't remember if we brought this up yet, but a lot of times people grieve for what they lost, but you were talking about that differently in terms of the future too.

SPEAKER_03 44:54

Yeah, so I mean, for me, that is probably the thing that I learned is with grief, people do think about like the immediate, like you lost this person that you have memories with. And you don't think about the fact you're you didn't just live. Yeah, I've lost my future. Like I had plans, like I was gonna watch my son graduate from high school and graduate from college and probably become an NBA star because that's what he wanted to do. I don't know, um, you know, get married and have kids and all of those things. I will never have that. And so now, like, but and it's not just like you just take that away because it impacts everything. It impacts how Ella is gonna move through life and how Archer is gonna move through life. And so I have to rebuild this entire future that I have already built in my mind. And what does that look like? And like, and how do you do that? How do you do that without your child? And it's overwhelming. Yeah. And so I guess that would be my second thing is like, don't go too far in the future. Because if I think about the next 30 years without him, yeah, that's too big. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. But I can I can get through like some days it's literally I can get through today. Sometimes it's I can get through, you know, a week or a month. I mean, that's I mean, that's part of like like that's I think probably my biggest like going on vacation. Yeah. Like the I like like my life is literally increments of like when is the next time I'm going to go do this and I can think that far in advance and nothing more. Yeah. That's why there's always a vacation on the books.

SPEAKER_04 46:50

Well, Kat and Kyle, thank you so much for trusting us with your story and for coming back three, four times to tell it fully. Um, also wanted to give a special shout out to the people of Clarksville, Tennessee, those who showed up, who stayed, who are still showing up. This series is for you too. Thank you for listening to the series. We've journeyed from the life that was through the day that changed everything to the ongoing process of living and remembering. Arlen's name and spirit remain with us, as does the strength of the community that shows up for each other. We hope this story stays with you and that you carry a piece of Arlen and this community with you.