Becoming Burnham
A blended family, big feelings, mental health days, and grief that shows up uninvited. Becoming Burnham is messy, honest, healing, and very us.
Becoming Burnham
12 - What to Expect When You Are Expecting... Nothing Accurate
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This isn’t your typical medical-grade parenting guide. In Episode 12, we tackle a massive list of pregnancy and parenting questions sent in by our UK besties, Josh and his girlfriend. From the "belly button draft" to why your one-month-old's favorite show is actually the ceiling fan, we’re breaking down the myths and the madness of expecting. No boring manuals—just the real truth told with honesty, humor, and a side of caution regarding "belly farts." Stick with us—parenting is a wild ride, and we're just getting started.
Welcome back to Friends with Benefits. Before you jump to conclusions, it is not that kind of podcast. Usually we're talking with the ex-wife and the current wife who chose peace over flipping tables. But today we're pivoting from the real life drama to the literal beginning of the story. We're doing a special QA for our UK besties, Josh and his girlfriend, who sent us the most detailed list of pregnancy questions we've ever seen. We're talking belly button genetics, ceiling fan entertainment, and why you don't need a baby bikini. Sam Cat, are we ready to ruin some expectations? Absolutely. Yes. First question is licking a belly button a bonding activity or a jump scare? Ooh. I'm not on board with that one. I came in the door and I was like, what is belly button licking? It was the first thing that she asked me when she got here.
SPEAKER_01Um do you know how much bacteria your belly button holds? Ooh. A lot. A lot. Like that smells mean. Have you ever smelled a belly button? Ooh. They stink. They're gross. There's probably all sorts of dead skin and Josh, do not lick her belly button. Do not. I do not. I've never even heard of it.
SPEAKER_00Now, skin to skin that I've heard of, I'm completely on board with. Singing.
SPEAKER_01Singing, yes. Knocking to the belly. Yes. Like I guess that that probably feels kind of weird.
SPEAKER_00But they hear your voice. And they hear it. And Derwin even read stories to my belly when I was first pregnant. Ooh, you could tell you could tell dad jokes. Yeah, that's a good one. That's a really good one.
SPEAKER_01I've heard too many. To Bond loves dad jokes. Yeah, I've like I said, I've heard too many. It's like his favorite pastime. It is. It really is.
SPEAKER_00I'm trying to think of other ones for bonding activities.
SPEAKER_01Skin to skin, I think is crucial though. Major. It is. I think it is very crucial. It creates such just a unanimous connection. Yeah. Well, I do think, regardless, whatever they do, I think that they need to do something because there is such a bond being built with baby and mom. Absolutely. Absolutely. If you do nothing and you just let the baby grow inside of her, like there is no connection at all.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So there has to be some sort of effort there. Yeah. Whether it's talking, singing, or just rubbing, or I mean, you could do like raspberries. On the belly? Yeah. Like I think raspberries maybe crazy. But like um lotioning.
SPEAKER_00Oh, yes, baby massages. Yeah. I remember that was real popular when Davian was born.
SPEAKER_01Yes. Yeah. Helping her lotion her belly. It's great and stimulation. And touch and like talking.
SPEAKER_00But before and after while she's pregnant. So you're doing that. And then and then on the baby too.
SPEAKER_01Oh, okay. Yes. On the baby. I thought you were saying on mom. And I was like, I had a c-section. Like I touched my body. Not after.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Not after. For mom, I don't think that's. Even if it wasn't a C-section, like thinking, I mean, I had C-sections too, but thinking back to like breastfeeding and all the ways my body was used and abused, I would not have wanted any sort of full body massage. Well, it would have made me mad if it wasn't honestly. But baby massage was a big one.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Any type of connection, stimulation, like just to be like have that sense and the voice and everything else. Yeah. I think it carries over and it makes a major impact. Yeah. The voice is one that I've heard over and over and over again is like important because they recognize your voice. Yep. Um, because babies can't see very well when you're first born. And I think that like a people kind of forget that. So like it's not a oh, I recognize my mom because the baby can't see you. It is the voice, it's the sound. Yes. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00When did we learn about the reality of baby developmental toys versus capitalism? I can remember one of the things, I think it was with both boys. Um, you know, people give you all kinds of toys and things when you when you have your baby showers and after your babies are born and everything. And like my kids never gravitated towards the baby toys. They wanted the bag of chips, the empty bag of chips. Or um we had a lot of fun with like the like the strainer, you know, like the um if you were rinsing your fruit or whatever, like you know, it was just stuff that we already had. And we so many times we look at each other and be like, why did we even bring these toys home? Like, we don't even have these toys.
SPEAKER_01I think babies really thrive when they're little on auditory stimulation.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I think that's big because again, they don't see that well. Yeah, uh-huh. They're used to hearing. Yep. And I think auditory stimulation is the singing, the talking. I think they thrive on it and it's comforting.
SPEAKER_00I think that's what I love so much about baby wearing too, is because you get all of that while I don't know if you guys did the baby wearing, but like we had a tula, I think, and I have one of those Moby wraps too. But then it's not, it's not even like something extra. They're like on you all the time, and they're hearing that voice and you know, kind of feeling you you still got that close contact. Yeah, it's comforting.
SPEAKER_01I mean, every baby is different. So, like Ella, I don't even remember her playing with toys. Like she was, I mean, so she was breastfed. So she was, I I feel like she was on me all the time.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I did have also like a like a uh, I didn't I don't know what it was, but it was a wrap.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01And I would lit literally like wrap her in so that she could just like pop my boob in her mouth whenever she needed. I remember I answered the door once with just that on. Yeah. And they were like, your boob is out. And I was like, I'm breastfeeding. So I don't take it as meal time. Absolutely. But the only I don't think that she played with any toys. I do remember as she got bigger and she could like sit up on her own. We did a lot with pots and pants. That was like her big thing. She loved playing with pots and pans. Um, drove Dan crazy, but like she loved it. Yeah. Arlen, on the other hand, though, he did not, he did not want to have that closeness surprise. I mean, he's colicky. So that was, I think, part of it. He was pretty miserable. Um, but he loved the like, you know, the baby books that are like the software. Oh, yeah. He loved those. And but like not just to like touch them, like he liked even to like hear you read them as a baby. And I thought that was really interesting. Yeah. For my boys, Andrew just wanted to be involved. He just wanted connection and involvement from the start. So he wanted he was the wrapped baby, absolutely knocking around. As long as he was close, he was so content. He didn't care about toys. Um Archer again, he wants to be catered to. That hasn't changed. It's not changed at all. Um, he loves he he loved his toys, but honestly, as long as you were close. If he had toys that he liked, but you weren't close to him, he did not like them. He wanted you to be observing and close and interacting. Yeah. Um bath time for Archer. Oh, yes, yes, yes. Yes, yes, those are the only times, toys that he cared about. Oh bath toys, yeah. Yes, he that was all he cared about. I mean, and did until I mean he still really does, but not to the same extent. He takes his cars in the bath. Yeah, yeah.
SPEAKER_00Javian still has bath toys.
SPEAKER_01Loves bath toys. Yeah, bath time. He's such a water baby. Yeah, yeah. And he's been that way from the start. Uh Kyle and him and bath yeah, all the time. That was their big bonding was bath time. Yep. Yeah. Kyle likes to take baths too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Like it's self-care. I I do want to mention, so when we had children versus like today, there is a lot of like new technology and different things that are out there. Yes. And I think that that is worth at least looking at. Yeah. Um absolutely. Even like the the tools now that they have for parents to make life easier, I think is really cool. Like the baby um Breva or whatever it is. So I had one with Archer. I had one with Archer and it was amazing. Yeah. Neither of my neither of my boys like to breastfeed. Okay. We had issues with latching. Um, and so was that the bottle warmer? The baby brev brev? It's like a Keurig. It was a Keurig. It's a formula. Yes. And I had one and I kept it in my bathroom with Archer, and it was just a button. And then my father was perfect temperature. It was so convenient. So, like late night wakeups. We're just, I just had to get up and push a button and we're good to go.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's the thing too, because my boys are almost five years apart. And even, you know, in that window of time, the things that were there for Davian that weren't there for Drayton were very different. And then so Archer's younger than Davian by just a little bit. Um, so yeah, it's it's amazing how quickly the technology, the trends, the science, everything changes, you know, even like the bulkiness of strollers or the efficiency of like the ease and efficiency of putting a car seat in the car. All of that is better now and much easier. Even the cars.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Yeah. Like now you have those metal and all that. Yeah. But also like the van, like you just push a button or like, you know, put your foot underneath it and it opens the floor. See, that's why I have a van. I think vans are nice. I liked my van too. Um, but no, like there is so much out there. So much has changed, even between having Andrew and Archer. If you was boring. And then I have friends that have kids that are much younger now. And the things they talk about, I'm like, Right. That's a thing.
SPEAKER_00But even the things you do too. Like now there's a well, when Davian was a baby, there's this whole like whole food kind of trend where like you're not chopping up their food into little pieces where they choke. Oh, yep. You give them like a whole banana, and it just they learn how to kind of navigate their choking reflex. So, which that was totally different than you know, my childhood.
SPEAKER_01When I was baby, when I babysat Caden and Savannah was doing that, and I was like, You're you can give him the whole thing. And I'm like, okay, we give babies. You're also the mom that like you didn't do actual baby food. I didn't do baby food. No. No, they what did you do? Just whatever like we had a baby magic bullet. Oh, yeah. So where it like pureed. Whatever, whatever I cooked, it got pureeed. Yes. We did that too. Yeah. And yeah. I I mean, I think that's great because Ellen and Harlem are they picky.
SPEAKER_00Dude, my kids would not touch baby food in a jar after doing that. We did the same thing, and we'd like, did you ever do the ice cube thing? Like you'd pour the puree in an ice tray so you have the little ones left over.
SPEAKER_01Um I didn't do those things, and my kid is my kids are so picky. So picky. Not as picky. He's grown out of it. Yeah. Um, for the most part. But some of the things he was telling me that he eats now, I was like, it's shocking. Absolutely, because he was so picky. So picky. He was actually worse than Archer. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So another funny thing is in different countries they have different kinds of baby puree food. So here you have your your typical like puree, even for the meats and proteins. It's like chicken or peas or spinach, you know, things like that. In Italy, they had like bunny was one of the puree things you could find. I kid you not. Um, and so I don't know what the UK has, but um, it's just interesting. In in in Japan, even they probably have lots of like fish options that are pure. It just appeals to the local tastes and you know, cuisine of the country that you're in. But that was always fun to do.
SPEAKER_01That's interesting. Let me ask you this. Do you think, like now, knowing what we know now, we've already birthed and raised, yeah, I mean babies. So would you think that it's more important to find, let's say, like fancy technology developmental toys for the baby or things to make life easier as a parent? That's a good question. Um, I don't know, I'm old. I don't think that like technology and all that is that relevant. I think they need mental stimulation. I think that they need something to help them grasp things and progress. But at the same time, like all those things that make parenting easier game changers. They're such game changers because when you have a newborn, it is beyond exhaust. It is. You don't sleep, you don't get time to yourself. I remember taking a shower and putting him in the bouncer outside the shower. Yeah, I remember doing that too. And like trying to keep him soothed long enough to just wash my head.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, because like the first seven minutes you're in there, they start screaming their heads off.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah, yeah. So, like, as far as like the technology and stuff that are the all the different changes coming out for new parents, like I think it's great. I think it's great. Yeah, I think it's great. I wish that we had that stuff. It is just so mentally overwhelming having a newborn. And yes, like your your instincts kick in and everything else, and you know that that comes with the territory. However, when it actually happens, nothing can prepare you for that.
SPEAKER_00Well, and like instincts, yeah, I guess to a degree, but you don't even you don't even realize what it's like to function on an hour of sleep. Like you have no idea going into it how ridiculous the like the little amount of sleep is that you're gonna get. And then you're also still trying to navigate a marriage and you're short with each other, and now you've got a diarrhea diaper, and it's like spilling out the sides, and who's gonna change it? And the dog is barking, and you know, like it's just a mess.
SPEAKER_01And here and here in the US, it's a little bit different than the UK because we're required to go back to West immediately, immediately, and or up until the baby's born, right? Correct, and then you have to find somebody that you trust to look after your child and then still do all the things you you have to prepare for your boss feeding, you have to make sure that you have milk for them. Yeah, but do you think that was one of Josh's questions that I don't think that we put on the list was when do you start thinking about like when you go back to work, finding somebody to care for your child, like what as soon as possible. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Well, because and it depends on if you're gonna do daycare or like formal daycare versus like a nanny or something like that. Yeah, because I know here in the States, like my sister was putting her son's name on a daycare list like before he was even born. Yeah. Or like a year out from when they were gonna need it.
SPEAKER_01Like, um, the good daycares, it is a year-long wait. That's insane. I remember when Erica was looking for one. Um it was one of the ones that we had Archer in for a short time. And um, she was on the wait list for over two years. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And then you're on the wait list for something that's essentially a salary to pay for. Absolutely. So that's another reason where you're like, you know, some people decide, well, it's cheaper for one of us to stay home. Like we didn't ever put our kids in daycare. Darwin stayed home with them the first couple of years. Um, and for both of them, we were overseas when they were very young. So they have a different system over there for, you know, that it's very affordable to put your kids in um in those systems a lot of times. But um, here, that's the other thing you're dealing with then is is it even more like now we're working a full-time job just to pay for daycare when I could just stay home with them, or that the cost difference between daycare and an in-home, you know, child care provider or something.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. I um when I was when I had Andrew, I was living in Seattle, downtown, and um I I was working a lot of hours, and I I came to realize my whole paycheck is working to pay. Yeah. So then I was like, what am I working for? Yeah, and like someone else got away. I'm not holding money back, I'm not making enough money to pay rent or groceries. Yeah, literally, my whole paycheck is going to daycare it. Like, how do you resolve that? It it's it's tough. I think if you have somebody personal, like family, friend that you can trust that will work out something with you, that's ideal. Oh, yeah, because they'll find they'll follow a lot of your ideals and everything else.
SPEAKER_00Um, and nothing scarier than putting your kids in the hands of a stranger. Exactly. Yeah, that's truly.
SPEAKER_01I mean, I got very, very, very blessed because until we moved to um northern Arizona, I never had to put my kids with anyone outside of family. That's nice because we have so many family members in the Phoenix area where I lived. Yeah. And so I didn't have I didn't have to worry about it because my mom couldn't do it or my dad couldn't do it, my aunt could, or my uncle could, or my grandmother could. And I didn't have to worry with my cousin for that matter. So that was really nice. That is nice, yeah. I think it all depends on location and region. Um, but realistically, if you are expecting, as soon as it you know that you are expecting, starting start looking. Interviewing, looking, getting to know. Coming up with game plans. This is yes. As soon as you know that that is an expectation, start your search.
SPEAKER_00That's great advice. Yeah. Um, let's turn the conversation a little bit to something a little more humorous. Um, what do people assume about choosing innies versus outies? Doesn't match reality.
SPEAKER_01I think I read this one to you when I was writing the email. Yeah. So it's all in how it's cut. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So like it's not. I used to think it was the way it was, I thought it was the way it was tied. Like I thought that it was just a knot. And sometimes they poked it in and it stayed, and sometimes it popped out. Like when I was much younger, I really didn't know. Yeah. No, it's not genuine is like how it's cut.
SPEAKER_01You don't pull from a menu. Yeah. That makes a difference too. Do you have an outie or an any any? I have an any. I have an any. However, when I was very pregnant. Did it pop out? It popped out. Like it did. Like a meat thermometer. Done. Not quite, not quite like a like, but it it definitely stuck out a little bit. I'm trying to remember. I don't know if mine ever did.
SPEAKER_00I think mine got like real like flat. Like there wasn't an indent anymore. It just kind of pushed out enough to where it became just one piece of skin, kind of. It wasn't like that.
SPEAKER_01I was very petite, like very thin when I had both the boys. And so, like, anything extra, just like yeah. It looked like so much. Uh-huh. I was all belly. And so, like, yeah, my my belly button protruded a little bit. However, you cannot pick and choose whether your child has in your Audi, your genetics do not correspond to that. Um, it is literally has to do with the way it's cut and also like the timing in which it's cut, but it is what it is. It just happens, yeah. I I've heard that question. I have too many times. Like, like, is it genetic? Yeah, I've heard that it is not. Actually, another thing that I'm not even sure if Ellen has an Audi or an innie. I'm gonna have to ask her. Because I'm curious.
SPEAKER_00I bet she has an innie. I bet you'd know if it was an Audi. Because it's genetic.
SPEAKER_01She doesn't have an any. Yes, that's how it works. Absolutely.
SPEAKER_00Do you remember the moment you realized your 12-year-old would only watch slime videos? The only reason I know that is because of those annoying voice voices on there. Like they're just loud and obnoxious and like when Davian watches them now.
SPEAKER_01Wait, what videos? Do you say slime?
SPEAKER_00Slime videos. Slime videos.
SPEAKER_01What is that? I don't know.
SPEAKER_00Is it just like YouTube, like the slime?
SPEAKER_01Are you like when like they s like they slime you? Or make slime or anything related to slime. My my mind went to like you're the Nickelodeon. Yes, that's nice things too.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Yeah. That's I mean, that's what I was thinking of. That's the only slime that we could watch back then.
unknownYeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't think the boys have ever really did your kids not go through the slime phase. I didn't allow it, and I don't have to worry. I did not allow slime. It's too messy.
SPEAKER_00I hate it so much. Like no passion.
SPEAKER_01Slime, the I really don't like play-doh either. I know that you're a little bit more I'm lenient on play-doh, but like I'm also very particular about when and how it's used and where it's used. So the slime, the play-doh, and then what's that? It's it's really like the kinetic sand is also a no-go for me. But like there's another one, but it's like it's for farting noises.
SPEAKER_00But it's like a slime, yeah. But it's like they stick their fists in the floor. I don't like any of that either.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Although the kids did get away with the farting noise one.
SPEAKER_00It's really good for like their motor development, like sensory and stuff. It does make a mess. That's why I have that's why I hate slime so much. But I know that it's like it is a good sensory like toy or experience for kids. I cannot do it.
SPEAKER_01It is, but the the mess.
SPEAKER_00The kinetic sand, though, I know you think it's messy and that's why you don't like it. It is so darn easy to clean up. You just vacuum it. Like play-doh's different because it like it gets stuck on your table and leaves that film, you know, and you gotta like wipe it off. I really don't like Play-Doh very much. I still let my kids play with it. But the kinetic sand, I thought would be a no-go for me. I love it. I love it, and it's so easy to clean up. And I love to run my own fingers through it.
SPEAKER_01Well, now I know. And it might be a good thing. I was like, my children are now officially like probably too old to play with kinetic sandwiches. It still feels good. It still feels good. I don't think it'll change your mind though. I don't think so. Should make him sit out on the front porch. She probably won't.
SPEAKER_00I'm a sensory person though, so I like it.
SPEAKER_01But he will on the floor. Yeah. Then it will like get into the fat fabric of the bench. I don't like that.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01I don't like the floor. I don't have a solution for that. So parchment parchment paper on the table helps a lot.
SPEAKER_00I don't like it. And play-doh does wash out too. Like even if it got, I mean, not it's harder on a chair, but like you put a towel down and it gets in there, it's gonna wash out.
SPEAKER_01I mean, don't get me wrong, like my children did have play-doh. I'm not like an evil mother heavily supervised. But it was it was absolutely heavily supervised. Yeah. And I generally was like, okay, you can sit at the counter and do it, or like maybe on the floor with a towel or something like that, but not just so another fun one that my mom did with us and also with my own kids is pudding.
SPEAKER_00And so she'd put us in the high chair, and even um the boys, Strain and Davian, she put them in a high chair, and she'd just kind of pour out a little bit of chocolate pudding on the tray and let them finger paint in the chocolate pudding, and then they like lick it and you know, well, diaper only for those moments, but so that is something that I did do that is messy.
SPEAKER_01Um, is I did I did do finger painting with the kids when they were little. Uh huh. And I actually, well, I probably don't have any more, but I I did have their finger paintings. I had them framed and I had them at the house for the longest time. Yeah, yeah. And that's fun. I don't think it's fun with I don't think they make that. Otherwise, I'd probably have to do it. Yeah, you would. That's okay. You remember them? I do. Did you do finger painting too with yours? I don't like finger painting. No, messy hair.
SPEAKER_00It does get in the hair. That's why my mom looks likes pudding. And then she just puts them in the shower or the bathtub or whatever and just win some right off.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It doesn't stain. Cat is like OCD clean. I'm like casual queen. But if it's going to like cause a major mess, I'm like, eh. I don't know. But I think Play-Doh is messier than finger paint. Because finger paint you can throw them in the shower. I don't agree.
SPEAKER_00But there is a risk of it like splattering onto something. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Maybe. It happens. Did you do finger paint? But there's potential. There's also for potential for Play Doh to I don't know, get stuck in carpet. Never come back. That's what I don't like about Play Doh. I think it's hard and dusty. I don't either. But once upon a time we did because we were poor. We did. But like I didn't care as much when I was poor. That's true. Yeah. I still I was OCD then too. I believe it. I believe it. I've gotten worse, but I was OCD then too. I've always kept it like at the table or like put a towel down underneath or something like that. Like I've always been careful about it, but did you do the towel under the high chair thing too?
SPEAKER_00I didn't tap high chair. Yes.
SPEAKER_01I didn't do that.
SPEAKER_00I didn't know. We had dogs with both of them. So the dogs just cleaned up.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_01No, I put a towel under the chair because they were they were messy. Andrew was really messy when he was little. Archer is still messy today. Andrew would like his food would end up on the walls, the window, me, him. Archer only is allowed to sit in one spot at the table because my house, because it isn't his chair. He's so messy. I'm like, you're not ruining all the chairs. Yeah, he only has one chair he can sit at at my house when he's eating. Yeah, same. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Okay, this is a good one. Do you actually need a color-coordinated Pinterest perfect nursery? Or will the baby just end up sleeping in a laundry basket in your room for six months? It will probably end up sleeping in a laundry basket or something.
SPEAKER_01Something probably not a laundry glass, probably as a matter of fact. I think the nursery room, like it's fun for the parents to put together. Changing table, did you have a change of table? I did. How many times did you use it? So depend. Well, my experience was a little bit different. Yeah. Dan was really big on like not like we weren't allowed to co-sleep. And that's true. Which was heartbreaking. Like that was really hard. So I used the heck out of my nursery because I mean I would sleep in the nursery. When we did Ella's nursery, um, like obviously I used everything that was in it, but when I did Arlen's nursery, I put a bed so that I could sleep in the room with him. Yeah. Because I was a very different circumstance. It is, yes. And I think it's not a great one. It wasn't great. It wasn't great. But you were a great mommy, so I mean, I wanted to be with my babies, and like that. So I compromised. So I like did my own thing. I was like, okay. But I will say from like an ease standpoint, it's way easier to just change your baby wherever. Like on the bed, on the floor. Yeah. I had a changing table for both boys, and um, I could probably count on one hand as I used it because like it wasn't practical. Yeah. Like, I'm not gonna go to the room to change them. No, wherever, like you sink, you're what? I'm gonna change right here now. Yeah. Because realistically, when you have a little one, do you have the supplies strategically placed? I wasn't that was probably the best thing that I I don't remember who told me, but we had like a two-story house and somebody had told me like have like a like a cabin with like diapers and wipes and all the things that you would need. Cape changer. And it was yes, absolutely. I I because once you were downstairs with the baby, yeah, like you didn't want nobody wants to remember. I mean, like honestly, I didn't even do I didn't even do nap time in the upstairs. Like they slept downstairs with me, yeah, somewhere. Yeah, in the house.
SPEAKER_00We didn't have a changing table, but we had a changing pad on top of the dresser. And we did use ours a lot. Like thinking back to it, well, I don't know, I can't remember for Davian as much because we had a more we have a three-story house with Davian. But with Draden, I know for sure we were constantly going to the bedroom to change him, but we didn't buy any special equipment. Like we didn't buy a special changing table. We just put the mat up on top. And and I had the C-sections, which we were talking about. So I couldn't really bend down very far. It was it was better for me to have it up on that side. Yeah. Absolutely. Yeah. Yeah. But I do remember the caddy now that you talked about that too. So we must have had that like out in the living room or something.
SPEAKER_01Oh, game changer. Yeah. I will change them where it's convenient. Yeah. If you were going to do a nursery, one of the big things that I would recommend is um the the bed that changes from like oh the transition. Absolutely. Yeah. So smart.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it really is. Genius. Yeah, because it goes from a crib to a toddler bed to like a full size.
SPEAKER_01I think it's a full, yeah, or maybe a twin, but some either way, like they can they could literally have that until they're a teenager. Yeah. I mean, some some teenagers probably sleep. I mean, I could probably have slept on a twin-size bed. I was a twin bed until I graduated high school. It's like I'm real small. Yeah. You're a little tall. I know. It would not work for an off work for me. I remember like my mom had to order me an extra large twin-size mattress that was like longer because I was long for a regular one. Yeah. You are very tall.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00I can also remember like stressing about getting the baby room ready before the baby was born. And that was ridiculous. Like there was absolutely no reason to have a baby room ready because I mean we used a bassinet a lot too. Like, and that, like you said, the baby doesn't care if there's like baby themed artwork up all around the room and everything. Those are all things that we it's still like in preparation and everything else. I'd be less excited. But if you're stressing about it, it's not a big deal. Just let it go. Yeah. It's really not a big deal.
SPEAKER_01That is probably the biggest thing that I would say from like a parent to a parent. If somebody asked me for advice, I could try not to give too much advice because like that's not fun to be on the receiving end of advice when you're like starting a family. But if somebody did ask me whatever you can do to just not stress, whatever that looks like. If that looks like buying tools and resources to make your life easier, if that looks like you let your mom wash your baby for two hours a day, whatever that looks like. Try not to stress about that. Honestly, like outside input can be great, but it can be overwhelming. Oh my god. And then you feel like you have to fit so many checkers and everything else. And like it's not necessary. It's well, and then also do a side for you and your family. Society's like, you've got to be a perfect mom and a perfect wife, and you gotta look nice, and you the baby has to look nice. And at the end of the day, like none of that.
SPEAKER_00Yep. I can remember too people asking questions like after I had had a baby, and then I had friends who had a baby later, like they're like, Well, I don't know what to do. Should I go sleep or should I not go sleep? Because all these people say this and all these people say that. And, you know, what about what's the best stroller? And it was this like quest for like doing the best and doing the right. And I always came back to what you said too. Like, you have to, you have to be able to parse out like what works for you. The best is what works for you. You could you could go spend all this money on a stroller that is, you know, the best, but for whatever reason, it's like it just doesn't work for you. And then it's not the best for you. It doesn't, you don't have to find the best of everything because that's going to change based on your family needs and your, you know, your car, your house, and everything. Everybody. Yes. If it's not working for you, then try something else. And maybe that's what works. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Well, the unfortunate part too, and this is the one thing that is really hard, is you can't prepare. Like, because as soon as that baby is in your arms, there's a lot of things that just go right out the window. Yeah. That you were like, oh, this isn't that important. And then you have a baby, you're like, this is so important. Yeah. Yeah.
SPEAKER_00And even one baby to the next. They're they can be completely different.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. The only thing that I used successfully, like, not that I didn't try, but the only thing that I was able to use between Ella and Arlen. And there was only what a year and a half difference between the two of them was the swing. That swing was amazing. I was saying a swing, a swing can be a game changer. Yeah. Some some babies. But that was like some.
SPEAKER_00Was it an outdoor swing or one of those like indoor?
SPEAKER_01No, it was it was an indoor one, but it did front and back, and then it also did the side. This is the side to side. Yeah. Um, and it like played nature sounds. I remember that because that was what Arlen preferred. Oh, I don't have like the little mini mobile. Yeah, yeah. It was it was a really nice swing. Um, but that was the only thing like between Ella and Arlen that Arlen liked. Everything else I had to do in his own stuff because he didn't like any of the things that Ella had. And some of them just didn't work anymore for our family. Now that we're a family with two kids, yeah. Under you know, babies, two babies basically, yeah, versus one. Yeah. It's different. It is.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's about all the time we have today. Josh, thank you for being so thorough and for giving us the most detailed list of questions we've ever received. If you're listening and this story surprised you or at least made you laugh, stick with us. To our UK besties, you two are going to be amazing parents. But please send us an update when the little one arrives so we can check on that belly button situation for science. And a picture. This was episode 12 of Friends with Benefits. Next week, we're tackling the ridiculous reality of living this close to your husband's ex-wife in an episode we're calling Petty Wars, Sister Wives Adjacent. We're diving into all the silly, small, and totally unnecessary things we actually fight about when you choose peace but still have to share a fence. You won't want to miss it.