Becoming Burnham
A blended family, big feelings, mental health days, and grief that shows up uninvited. Becoming Burnham is messy, honest, healing, and very us.
Becoming Burnham
13 - Petty Wars: Sister Wives Adjacent
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This isn’t the kind of “friends with benefits” you think you know. In Episode 13, the ex-wife and the current wife prove that choosing peace doesn't mean choosing silence. We’re diving into the "marital-but-not-marital" chaos of two women who live next door to each other and fight like they share a brain cell—because they basically do. From the "Great Move-Out Debate" to Kyle being a total butthead, we’re exposing the hilarious, petty, and unfiltered reality of a blended family that argues purely for recreation.
Welcome back to Friends with Benefits. And as you know, uh, it is not that kind of podcast, so don't get carried away. We're usually talking about how the ex-wife and the current wife chose peace, but today we're landing in the chaos. Today's episode is called Petty Wars, Sister Wives Adjacent, because honestly, these two fight like they're sharing a lifelong and a man, which in a way they are. So let's start with the moving out timeline. What wasn't working with the move out timeline? And why hasn't Sam fully migrated to her own house, which, as we've mentioned multiple times before, is right next door quite yet? Why won't you move out? Because it's my room. It's like she's got one foot in and one foot out. It's like my safety net. You haven't used your room in a very long time. I don't care. It's my room. How long was it your room? Six months? No, eight months. It's about eight months. That's a long time. Yeah. Yeah. Because she lived with us. Yeah. When we I mean, it was like I sold the other house and then um I stayed here until my life. Because that one wasn't done. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. But like, no, it's my room. What's in there still? I still have a lot of clothes. Do you come over here and change? Or no? Is it just for like an emergency? I I do come over and grab a couple things every now and then because the dresser is still fully stocked. And so you you have to visit both houses. Yes. Yes. Okay. So in all reality, she is like the child between two houses. Like this is where she grew up, and that's where she lives now. I just I I I don't know. I'm sure some psychologists can give a good breakdown as to why. But it's just like my safety net. I know that I have a room here. And if I don't have room here, then I don't belong. And so I need my room. I wasn't gonna take your room away. You were. I just wanted to put a Murphy bed. I don't worry to. I just wanted to put it. Is the bed yours too, technically, or is it their bed? It's my bed. I bought it for you. Okay, it's my bed. Like if you moved somewhere far, far away, would would you take that bed with you? Okay, first off, that would never happen. That would never happen. You can't move. But she still would have to have her room for when she came back. So I guess either way, she still wouldn't take her bed. No. Yeah, but no, but she's not moving far away. Like, what are you talking about? I don't know. I just came out. I'm sorry. You're like stressing me out now. I'm not moving. Okay. So what else you have a dresser, you have a bed, you have clothes. Is there you have lots of shoes here? I do have a lot of my shoes here. In fact, I think I think most of the shoes that are in this thing are yours. I've I've come back over for shoes, but I'm still so when you come back over and you get them and you go back home, do they find their way back here again or do they stay there? Do they stay there permanently? Sometimes they they find their way back. They do. Because I um the other day I brought over like three things that had found their way back, and I just had like set them down and I was like, oh, she'll remember that they are here again. And she did not remember that they were here again. I'll I'll come over with shoes on, but when I come in, I'll take my shoes off. Yeah. And then I'll forget that I wore shoes over, and so I'll just walk walk back barefoot or something. I mean, it's a really long walk. It's very long so far. Have you timed it or counted the steps? No. I'm interested. I'm gonna know this. No, but I was thinking that I would like to see about putting um stepstones on our path between our houses. Yes, you should. I think that's my summer goal. I think we should. We talked about it last year, but we didn't do it. We did, but like have you seen the grass where our path there's already a path? Yeah. Oh yeah. Like well, and like when the ice was all melting this winter, it was getting kind of muddy right there, too. Yeah, yeah, the grass definitely grow. Yeah, because you can tell exactly where we cross the lawn to get to each other's house. Absolutely. It's like um the dogs have like a trail that they walk like right around the pool, and you can see it. Yeah, and that's that's what it's like. Yeah, it's same. Yeah, I think that would be beautiful to do. When you were living together, what did you learn about your cleaning habits um for each other? The guy is obsessively clean. Like, what does she do? Everything. Does she get on her hands and knees and clean the floors? I have seen her do that. I don't do that regularly. I have seen her do that. Okay, ask me, ask me what I did today on cleaning day. Oh, it was split your cleaning day between two days, so it doesn't count. No, I I did I did something that's probably like other people be like, that's that's weird. I can't believe she does that on a regular basis. Did she do your baseboards? I've started mopping my walls. I I can't say I'm surprised. So she never once in my entire life have I ever mopped a wall. Ever. It is really actually a very efficient way to do it. No. I mean, I have flat paint, so like, but I would think it'd be like it, I don't know. She'll just paint over it if it has. Yeah, I'll just paint it. And she literally will. I have to you're not very tall, so how far up is the mop going? Well, it's just like it's it's the it's the hand, you know, like the the kids that just trail their hand everywhere when they walk. So it doesn't need to be that tall, but I've started mopping my walls. And it works, it does. Everything does my life. Have you? No, no, so basically, like both cat and cow have OCD about cleanliness and clutter. Um, I don't like clutter, however, it happens, like depending on my mental stability. Yeah, it builds up a little bit more, but it makes you feel more anxious when there's clutter too. It does. Yeah, however, like my remedy to that when I start feeling slightly better is um if something closes, like a cupboard or a drawer or a closet, I can stuff in that disorganized out of sight out of my mind, and it's fine. And then your mind is a piece again. Yeah. I will say I do have a couple of like catch-all, like you know this. I have which you continue to keep organizing. I mean okay, okay, like your your basket. You went on a major basket search. I did. Yeah. Where are they? Do you put them places? Where are they? Everywhere. Anything that closes has a basket. Yes, it's my catch all. And then and then, like, when I need like an extra boost of like, I've accomplished something, I take a basket out and I like organize it and put that a catch-all. I hate her. So a catch-all would be like a basket at on that little whatever that shoe organizer is behind you. But like where you kind of you drop things in it that you don't have a place for yet. But then, like, and you put them away, you put them away when it gets full in their other baskets. It's the same thing. No, you're organizing it. That is an organizational tool for the closet or the bathroom or whatever. It's not a catch-all. It I mean, have you seen the little baskets I have that hang on the wall behind our front door? And there's like one for all of us. Those are our catch-all baskets. So when I find like squish balls or stickers or all this crap of the kids all over the house, I throw it in their basket, and then when it gets full, I give them their basket and then they go put it away and then they bring their basket back. It's a catch-all basket. That's great. That's a catch-all. That doesn't work for her. No, it wouldn't work for me. No, it wouldn't. Like you don't even have a catch-all. No, you're just very organized. I am very organized. I'm also very, very clean. I'm very clean. I'm very clean. So I I feel like I'm like a normal person clean. You are like you are. You're not like a dirty person. I'm not a dirty person. I keep my house tidy and clean. And like if it gets a little too far, like it drives me crazy, and then I'll go on like the obsessive deep thing. Um cat obsessively deep cleans once a week. Every Saturday, right? Isn't that the big cleaning day? But but the thing is, the normal person version of cleaning is her everyday. No, that's like that her Saturdays are like spring cleaning once a year. Yes. But she does like a normal cleaning every day as well, where she sanitizes and wipes things down. That would be our monthly cleaning.
unknownYes.
SPEAKER_00So that was a struggle when we were living together because like I made her crazy and she made me crazy. Does she but what it what would I do when you would go and visit Brian? You cleaned my room because it was not organized enough for you. I wasn't. I would literally wait until she went to visit Brian in Oklahoma, and then I would go down to Maroon and I would any laundry that she hadn't taken care of, it would all get put away. I would wash her sheets for her. I you don't even do that for your own kids, do you? No. No. I I drove her crazy. I drove her crazy. I think the biggest thing that was that I I like to snack at night. Did you like your trash? Like there's still a white flaw down there that I kept stashed in my drawer. In case I but what bothered you? Was it the mess she left? Or was it the fact that there was food down there? She kind of moved out. She moved out enough that she wasn't eating her snacks anymore. And so they were just sitting in the drawer, and I didn't know that. And then I went to clean your your room. You found all this food and organized it because, like, clearly, regular cleaning would not mean getting into drawers. No, that's the spring cleaning that we do once a year. I went into your drawers to organize it. You found my snacks and I along with it. Was it like open bags of potato chips like full rolled down? And absolutely. What all did you have in there? You had potato chips. I had potato chips and my nuts. You had nuts. You had lots of nuts. But white claws. And um I I think I ended up. Didn't I send you a picture of the white claw when I found it? You did. I thought it was hilarious. Candy. Candy. You're not you're not really wanting sweets right now. But no, I'm like off sweets. Yeah, but like you definitely have a special thing. So yeah.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00So the other question I had while you were talking about the cleaning thing, like, would you sit on the couch watching TV and she's like cleaning all around you and you lift your feet up and all that, or is she like demanding that you participate in the Saturday cleans? No, she would clean around. I mean that I would feel guilty and start person. She's like staring you down as she walks by. Yeah, I am. So I do not require that anybody, well, that's not true. Like the kids have their own chores and everything like that. But you realize this is your thing. This is my thing. You're neurotic about this and you realize that. But but if you are up here, like so I clean the floor. If you don't mean you need to be in your room, you need to be away from me. Like I should not be able to see you. And the kids have figured that out. So if I am up here and she starts cleaning, I get guilted into you participating. Is it subtle guilt or does she say, like, I really, I'd really like your help right now? Or no, it's that actually, I really don't. I don't want help. Help. You really want to do it your way. Like, I want to do it my way. I just want you guys to participate. No, she she gives you she gives you looks the whole time. Yeah. Even if you were helping, would you give looks? Yes, you do. Oh, stop it. If I'm sitting on the couch and you're like, it's time to clean and I don't move, then she starts aggressively cleaning. Yes. Well, according to you, I aggressively clean all the time. But if somebody is sitting there watching, I don't, I will say, I don't like that. I know. I really don't like that. It's like if you were in her site when she starts cleaning, you sure as shit had better start cleaning. Or go away where I can't see you. Yes. And forget that you're here. Yes. Absolutely. How much time passes before a husband ex-husband argument turns into a cat tell her she's wrong moment? Um, I would say that's pretty quick. Because like I can tell, I can tell when you and Kyle are actually getting serious about your fights and when you're not. Yes. So what are you fighting about? Everything they're like brother and sister. It's really honestly kind of weird. But he's like obnoxious. I love him, but he's obnoxious. You guys pick on each other. He says he says stupid things. You both do though. He says such stupid things and he does it looking for a reaction. And part of why our marriage didn't work is because I will absolutely react. Do I react? No. I do not react. Which is why their marriage works. Yeah. She will not feed into it. Whereas, like, if he picks at me or makes a statement out of the blue to nobody in particular while I'm within earshot, he knows it's gonna get a reaction. Now, will he do the same back? Like he's gonna give you the reaction you're looking for too. No, it's just more one-sided, yes. Okay, he he knows he knows that it bothers you. He knows. Um I I don't do well with like passive aggressive statements. Yeah, I will laugh through quickly. Very quickly. And it doesn't matter what it's about, it could be something that doesn't even matter. Like, can you think of any of their recent arguments? Um the only one that's coming to mind is like about food.
SPEAKER_01Like ordering out. What do you want to eat? That's where it would start.
SPEAKER_00What does he say? Like, God, that's just all I did is ask you. I just need some help here. Like, what's he get annoyed with in that response? Because she didn't contribute? Yes. Uh-huh. And then he has to decide. And then when he decides, if anybody said, But he asked her, what do you want? So if he's like, okay, I'm gonna order Taco Bell, because that's his go-to. Yeah, I hate Taco Bell. Then she doesn't want Taco Bell, got it. Taco Bell. But he does not intentionally. I I'm I I didn't say he didn't, I just said But he did, in fairness, he did give you an option to like an opportunity to he intentionally will pick something that he knows I will not eat just to like make you crazy. It's obnoxious. He doesn't like to give me pizza. I have to order my own pizza now. I made pizza last night. I love pizza. I'm telling you, I could do it three times a day every day. It's because the same way though. Like it's because I eat pizza on Saturdays at work. Yeah. So then I I did get Bernard on pizza when I was working there. I would never. No, me either. I could eat pizza Saturday for lunch, and then I could eat it Saturday for dinner. I I liked it at first. I was really excited about it. But then, like when it kept happening, that was all we had. During COVID, we started this tradition, I guess, of um pizza in a movie every Friday. It was like our celebration that we made it through another week, you know? And we still do it to this day. Like every Friday we order pizza. And we sometimes we do the movie with it, sometimes we don't, but Friday pizza for a really long time. And then I don't know when I stopped. When did I stop doing Friday? That was a while ago. Do you usually cook on Fridays? I feel like by Friday, nobody wants to do anything in our house. No, I don't want something easy. Um, like last night, last night we ordered Taco Bell. I saw something. I saw my Taco Bell. Not that I was looking for Taco. I like Taco Bell. Sam does not like Taco Bell. It's gross. I like Taco Bell. I mean, it's not high quality food. In fact, I even I always order an extra bean burrito so that I can have it the next day. Yeah, and so it's sitting in my drawer. It's waiting for it. No hands and extra sauce. That's right. Is there anything you'll eat from Taco Bell? Um, if I'm like not feeling particular, I'll eat a bean burrito or I like the um Doritos tacos. Well, I haven't had that. Didn't you didn't you try their um the like that? Oh, I like the bowls. Yeah, I was like it was like the cantina. Yeah, I do like the bowls. What is it? Is it in a taco shell or right now? No, it's literally it's a bowl and it's got the rice and the beans and the veggies, and you just mix it all up. So like a taco salad, kind of kind of is there anything like a chipotle. Oh chipotle bowl, but it's like there's like your your guac and your sour cream and whatever, you just mix it all up. I don't mind those. Don't mind doesn't mean I love them. Yeah, I don't mind them. If you had to eat it. Brian's the same way though. Brian's favorite go-to is Taco Bell. And so every time he's like, What do you want for dinner? And I'm like, I don't know. And he's like, and I'll ask him, What do you want? And he's like, Well, you know, I like Taco Bell dinner. Like, no, that's not an option.
SPEAKER_01Do that on your own time. We like Taco Bell.
SPEAKER_00I don't know if we've really like delved into this very much. I know that we've talked about how much you like to go to Disney. I don't know if people realize that you're like addicted to Disney stuff. I feel like that is a really harsh word. I think it's accurate. Let's just spend some time there for a moment. Like, in fact, I remember I'm taken back to one of those times when I was over here and you brought out like seven different Mickey and Minnie Mouse ear headbands. Oh, I don't even bring them all out. She has five plus. Um Sam, do you have a Disney addiction too? I support Cats Disney Addiction. Is there anything we don't though? You do not. I do. You do not. You I tell you that I like it for you. That's supportive. Is there anything like it more? I want you to be like, oh, I can't wait to borrow that. Oh, wait. That's a very colorful though. No, not at this moment.
unknownOh, okay.
SPEAKER_00Is there anything about her addiction that you think is just like too far, like too much? I mean, she's a Disney adult. I am a Disney adult. Um what's what's the most obnoxious part of the whole addiction? If that's possible. I don't know if the word obnoxious is quite accurate. I appreciate that. I know I know. So I said it. Um she is very big on coordinating Disney outfits for everyone or for herself? Everyone. Are we all matched? Yes, we go. I mean, very much for herself. But she wants everybody to match. Like when we went to Disney, I wanted to wear a shirt and she told me no because it didn't match that day's theme. That's that's a lot. Great, great. It was the wrong shirt for the park we were going to. It didn't make any sense. And I didn't say no. I didn't say no. I just said, wouldn't it make more sense to wear I think it was your aerial shirt because we're going to judge us. Is that how you said it? Like that kind. I feel like that's judges. Wouldn't it make more sense? Not more. Okay, rude and no, I think I was very kind when I said it. I did your hair that day too. Did but I did not have a choice. Wait, you let me think I had a choice, but I knew. I knew I did not. So when we went to Disney in December, um like you and Brian were not planning on like getting Disney office really at all. And that was just unacceptable to me. And so they got lots of presents over like I don't, it was like a month that I like relatively she she coordinated our outfits for us because like we weren't like all whoop. But like, are you bringing them in your suitcase down there? Or did they pack them in their suitcase? I like I gifted it to them. Like I would come over like once a day. They when you were down there though. No, no, no. Okay. And the expectation though is you're gonna open this and you're going to pack it and bring it. Yes. And you're gonna like it. She would come over and she would have that smile. And she'd be like, look what I got you. Aren't you so excited? Mm-hmm. Is this for Tuesday? Yeah, literally. Yeah, yeah. They were all coordinates where we could all fit certain themes on certain days. Remember when I was in the park? When I was bringing Brian's stuff over, though, and I'd like to lay it out on the bed for him.
SPEAKER_01I saw that when he came home, he'd walk in.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00It was super cool. Thoughtful though. I need your bed every day because I was laying clothes every time. You're welcome. It was very thoughtful of her. She does like Nightmare Before Christmas. I do. Yeah. But not She's not obsessed though. No, she couldn't that come up. I don't know if I'd say obsessed, but like I like it. Like if all the things to pick as like a theme or anything, like I like Nightmare Before Christmas. But you like the unique items. I do. Like it can't just be what I can't like like the coffee meds that Archer gets you. Like that's not that's not it. It's not personal enough or it's not special. Like what's the special? It's you it's gotta be unique. Okay. So like the um like in general and not mainstream. Yeah. The candy jar that that I showed Brian to get for you. Um, like that was that was a perfect one, yeah, because it's different and it's unique. Yeah, like a candy jar. Yeah. For like literally three years. Um, one of my Christmas gifts from her, like pre-Christmas, is that she gets me one at Hallmark and I mean before Christmas. Uh-huh. I say one, it's normally more than one. Um, but she gives me ornaments. Yeah. And I love those. Yeah. She always finds me like cool warm. Yeah. And I love those. So you're more like a collector kind of. So you're always looking for that unusual kind of collector vibe. Yeah, of like a little bit. Like realistically, I could go either way, but if I had to choose, like that's what I like. I got you a fanny pack the other day. You did. And I like it, and I'll use it. It's a nightmare before Christmas fanny. It's really cute. I like your culty backpack. You didn't like it. I said that I like it's a cool pattern and it's very colorful, just like you. Thank you. You're welcome. She didn't like my backpack. I did not say that. I was as encouraging as I could be. It's a princess backpack. Oh, that's cute. I feel like you meant that. I'm not taking it that way. I really wish the camera was on her face to that statement. I really do. So I didn't know what lounge fly bags were. But um one of the things we wanted, I wanted to talk about was why you were arguing about the lounge fly bags instead of choosing um, you know, peace and kindness. What was what was this argument? Well, so this, so I was telling you earlier. So this is actually Ella's memory, not mine. So when we were planning the episode talking about like what are the things that we're gonna talk about, um, Ella was like, remember when you bought the lounge fly bag, the princess one, and Sam wasn't excited. And like apparently I was really bothered by it. And then I did start to remember, I was like, actually, there's a few times where I bought a princess bag or something, and you were less than enthused for me, and I didn't appreciate that. I am encouraging every time. However, like I I can't be like, oh my god, you have to be I want one too, because then she'll buy you one. She will. I that's true. Actually, she will have I. So what should she say? What is appreciative enough for you? What does that look like? I don't even know. Just like she doesn't know. She wants Oh my God, Kat, that's so yes, that would be great. But if you are that if I'm that enthusiastic, you're gonna get yes, yes. Like the villain purse. No, I bought you the villain purse. I know, but I bought it first. I didn't realize you had it, so then I bought you another one. And so now I have one that I will never carry. It's fine. I was really excited when we had mashing purses. I know. And she won't use it. Do you use it when you go to Disney at least? No. Oh, she will not. You should just sell it. I probably should. Not and not sell. I didn't mean sell it. I mean like that's what I'm saying. You should put it on a shelf as a decoration. It is, yeah. It's a villain purse. It's sort of up your alley. I mean, that is it is I do like the villain. I don't like the purse. It's a good purse. It's not like convenient to carry.
SPEAKER_01That's my purse.
SPEAKER_00That's all I can think of right now. Sorry. There's a fine line to ride as far as encouragement with you. Can we do that TikTok? The one where it's like, that's my purse. Like, I don't think I've seen that one. Oh but sure. I think I think Christina's seen it. And we'll do it with my distant purses. Okay.
unknownAll of them.
SPEAKER_00She also bought me a princess fanny pack that I requested for my birthday. And then when I announced it, I didn't buy it. I did. I was like, hey, if Kyle asked what I want for my birthday, I haven't cheated. And then she just stole the idea for herself. Yeah. Um, yeah. Which he did, he was a little bit offended. That's okay. I don't care. Um, but it wasn't that for me. It did. It did. So except it was late and that made me sad. Um, but I did know it was coming, so I was excited. Yeah. So when I unwrapped it to like show her and Brian, because they bought it for me. Like you guys were just kind of like, that's cool. But it was adorable. It's pink and it's sparkly and has bows on it. Look at me right now. It's not enough. That's what I'm getting at. Have you ever seen me enthusiastic about pink and sparkly in those? You wore a pink shirt and Disney. Well, you bought me. What hair is she gonna wear? I don't know. Not black. She did manage to sneak a sweatshirt into her bag that was not Disney. And every time she wore it, I know I glared at her. She did. She did indeed. So these are some of your like fun petty arguments that you that you have, playful, um, you know, jeering at each other. There are other times when you have really serious um arguments and disagreements, ones that are, you know, take some time to come back from. So, how do you draw the line between those fun, petty arguments and ones that actually threaten the peace that you've built? Why are you looking at her like that? Cat trips to force me to talk, and so I lock her out. It's not nice. Don't force me to talk about it. How do you come back from that though? Like, there are times when like you guys are not in a good place and you still end up back here. So, like, who who makes the first move? Or, you know, if you shut her out, how do you welcome her back in? Okay, if she locks me out, like literally, she literally locked the door. I literally locked her out. I didn't want her to come back over and like start in on I still came back over. Did you use your key? I did not use my key. Oh. I insisted on pounding on the door until she let me in. It was obnoxious. Were you only pounding on the door? No, she's also ringing the door. You will not shut me in. So you just annoy the crap out of her. Yeah. And so she has no other option. Yes. But she will she you will give you the silent treatment. But it never lasts more than 24 hours. Because of you or because of her? Normally me. I you just need some space. Well, there are some instances where like she'll approach me first. Yeah. But typically, like, if it's a big blow up between us, I need yeah, space. Yeah. Because I won't be nice if I'm not allowed my space. Well, is there are there times too, like when she's really mad and like is it just you who need space because you need to process it, or is it also because she's really mad and you know she needs some space too? Kat likes to talk things through. I do. Okay. She doesn't like waiting. Whereas, like, if I am pushed to talk things through before I'm ready, I'll be volatile and nasty. And I know that. And so, like, I will, yeah, I will force that distance. But I don't think it's ever really gone more than 24 hours. No, no, it definitely hasn't. Um, in all reality, like I will I will try to have the conversation with you if you are not receptive. I might try one more time. You did the last time. And I said I said might, and I did last time. Sometimes I don't though. Sometimes if I feel like I said my piece, there's nothing more to be said, or like there's not a better way for me to say this, then I'll leave it alone. Yeah. Until you come to me. Um, the last time I felt like maybe I didn't word that correctly. So maybe I'll try again. Do you own up to that? When I don't word things correctly? Yeah. Like if you realize she came back over, yeah, and I opened the door. Um she said she's like, I feel like I didn't word that the right way. Um, but she still wanted communication, like right then and there. And um, I wasn't open to that. And so I left you alone. Yeah. Actually, that was probably one of our longest, it was more than 24 hours. But you absolutely guilt-tripped me about not being willing to communicate at that time. I was pissed. I so was I. Well, I was really mad. I don't you can't just shut down. You have to at least say, like, I can't talk about this right now. You didn't do that. You gave me the silent treatment. Well, I told you that I have nothing to say right now. I literally said that to you. She can, she can though, like she can shut down and say that. You just that is not acceptable for you. No, and that is not how you approach problems and like even with Kyle, don't like having said, yeah. Yeah, because he's the same way, he's the same way as you, which I don't understand. Like, it's just unacceptable for you ever. We got divorced. Oh, yeah. That's right. Yeah. Um, I so I did I did have to learn with Kyle to give him his time, but we do have a rule, and the rule does apply to you as well, and you know it. It's a 24 hour hour, and I think that's fair. Yeah, yeah. We all have 24 hours to be in our feelings, whatever that looks like. If you want to be mad, if you want to be sad, if you want to be whatever, you get your 24 hours to do whatever it is, and then after that, it's time to confront it and deal with it and address the situation. And I'm fully on board with that. Um not give me 24 hours. She's got a timer set, it's like 23 12. She's over there knocking on the door again. Well, this I I definitely did not give her 24 hours like the first time. But I thought that maybe I had worded it wrong, and so I just wanted to make sure that I worded it better. And well, and maybe that would have wasn't any better than the first though. And maybe you were thinking words that were changed, but the rest of it was the same. But I thought she's thinking if she rewords it, it like shortens the 24 hours, but it didn't. It just no, it like restarted the timer because she didn't do much, which was really unfair because it was like two hours in between the two conversations, so it was like 26 hours instead of 24 hours, and that you barely and you were being confrontational, and I literally told you that I had nothing to say to you right now, and that I didn't say anything else, and you wanted words that I did not have to give. I need I didn't have the kind words to give to you.
SPEAKER_01It was fine. We've moved past it, I think. We have very convincing.
SPEAKER_00You're good. You're literally on camera. I'm gonna be able to like watch this back and be like, she is not good for that. Yeah, we're good. We we have moved past it. We've talked about it. We have, yeah.
SPEAKER_01I mean, you're not the one at fault, anyways. My fight's not with you. You don't present it that way.
SPEAKER_00I mean, I know, but like now you know. Now I know, but you both times you came over, you did not present it that way. I was really upset. So, what have you learned in this? I learned if we're if we go back and reflect on how this all so I will say I um and Kyle knows this. So I do not get, I really don't get mad very often. But when I do, it's generally very ugly. Very ugly. And I know that. I know that. And for the most part, because I know that and because I don't like to be, I don't like to be an ugly person. No, I generally will not approach things when I'm feeling that way. Okay, but you also feel you're feelings really big. I do, I do, yeah, but that particular day, and I don't, I don't even remember why. I don't even remember exactly what like the last straw was for me that like got me so riled up that I couldn't even contain it. And I had to talk to you like right then and there. Yeah. And and it was, I was having a bad day that day. So like all around the mixture of all of it was not great. Like I it was like we all know I struggled with my own songs. And that day I was like you just didn't have the space. I was rotting on the couch, yeah. I didn't have the energy for anything, and then she came at me. I did come at her. I did, yeah, but like that's what I'm saying. Like, I I do recognize that about myself, and like I try really hard not to confront things like when I'm in that mood, and generally you're generally really good at it, but she does feel her her feelings big, and when it's something that's like really stuck on her, it has to be addressed right then. Yeah, she can't let it go. Yeah, yeah, and normally I am open to it, I normally am, but that day I just I wasn't doing well, and um the point she was trying to make was not coming across the way she wanted it to. It wasn't, and so I felt cornered and everything else, and it it just the mixture of everything just didn't work that day, which we've had situations like that. But again, our fights don't last long. We both, if we give each other quiet time and cool off time, we can typically work past it. And then once we're both kind of more level, talk about it. Yeah, you know, we just I I really need cool-off time, and when she gets big angry like that, she needs cool off time too. I do, yeah. Even though, like, even in those moments, a lot of times I'm like, no, I don't, I don't need cool off time. Like, I want to deal with it and fix it. Yes, and want to address everything. But I do need it, and and she knows that. And I will say the other piece of it too, or the other thing that I think is really good for us is like we also know like we're not always going to see eye to eye. No, we are different people, we have different ideas of how like our lives should be like best fulfilled. I mean, we're essentially on the same path, yeah. But like we're still different people with different ideas and thoughts. Yeah. Yeah. And so and we realize that. Yeah. And I think that me, that that makes a lot of us work. Correct. It's the fact that we realize that like it can't always be rainbows and butterflies all the time. And and that's not healthy either. If you're always pretending like everything's fine, yeah, and you're never addressing it again. So, like, yeah, we absolutely identify some arguments and bickers, and most of them are not big, but sometimes they are sometimes they are. Yeah, but like we we do bigger and disagree on things, and we just need cool off periods, and then we can come back to it.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_00So I think you've kind of brought us to like the window here. If you had to sum up this chapter of the sibling wife energy in one sentence, what would it be? You go first. So sibling wife? Is that what you said? Sibling wife. Okay. So like I said, you go first. So I'm assuming she means like sister wife, like sisters, but also like sons. Which is a fair statement. We do a lot of the parenting and rearing of the children together. Like um, so sum it all up in one sentence. Just like good luck. I know I'm like, I don't know if you can. I don't know if I can either. Um I would say, and I don't know if this is a summary, but I would say that if I had to like describe us in one sentence, that's that's kind of a summary. Um, I would say that we are essentially sisters who are not blessed to be biologically related. But we would have killed it. Which would be really weird in this situation. We would have probably murdered each other if we actually were, but correct, correct. And we shared a husband. So like that's all around to this. Yeah. Um, but I think that that underlines like really what makes our entire family work is biology is not what makes us a family. It is who you choose, and I choose you to be my family. Yeah. I mean, I realize like with my career in the army and everything else, and my life growing up, that family is not DNA. Family is who comes into your life and supports you and is there for you. You you make your own family. Blood is not the cut and dry to it. And um, I think we've done that. I have a really special plaque that I put in my office that was gifted to me by a very dear friend, and it says, friends are the family you choose. And I always think of how special friends are in in your life, and and they do, you know, they're there for the hard stuff, they're there for the easy stuff, and and you do choose them and and you keep choosing each other. Absolutely. That's the strongest group that I've made is the people that I've chosen. Yep. And that have chosen me, and that we've made our own family out of. Yep. Well, thank you for joining us for another episode of Marital but not marital chaos. We hope our healthy debates gave you a laugh or at least made your own family drama feel a little more normal.
SPEAKER_01Hello. Hello.
SPEAKER_00This was episode 12 of Friends with Benefits. Next week, we're joined by Ella for an episode called Two Generations, One Story. We're talking about the mirror images of adoption in this family, from Kat's discovery of her own adoption at age 36 to her daughter being legally rechosen and adopted by her stepfather this year. It's about identity, secrets, and what it really means to belong. You won't want to miss it. Thanks for joining us.