Stop Romanticising the Struggle

Are you wearing your exhaustion like a badge of honour? In this episode I'm calling out something we don't talk about enough, the way we've been conditioned to romanticise the struggle, and why it might be the very thing keeping you stuck.

I spent years thinking that if it wasn't hard, it didn't count. In this episode I break down the difference between hard work that actually builds something and unnecessary suffering that just exhausts you — and why you are allowed to build something that feels good to build.

We cover: what romanticising the struggle looks like in real life, where this habit comes from, the difference between hard work and suffering, and what sustainable ambition actually looks like.

New episodes every Monday. 

Follow along on Instagram @samanthagreen.tgh and @alignedandunfilteredpod, and for the written version of my brain head to lettersfromsamanthagreen.substack.com

Transcript

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Hello and welcome to Aligned Unfiltered. This is the podcast where we speak honestly about what it really takes to build a life and a business that aligns with a future version of you, the one that you keep saying that you're going to be. I expect self-help hacks, a tool to be able to help you bridge the gap from where you are now to where you want to be. Let's get started. Hello everybody, welcome back. Whether or not you are watching on YouTube or listening, I am so grateful to have you here. You will have seen the title of today's episode, and this is a huge one for me because I never realized that I was even doing this. And then when I did realize it, I was like, wow, it was a little bit of a slap in the face, a little bit of a reality check, and it's something that I work so hard to not do now. Becoming a slave to hard work and thinking that I can only get success by working that way, but also wearing it like a badge of honor. Like I used to do 12-hour days, five days a week, and wearing that as like my identity. And that's the reason that I'm successful because I work that hard. And that's the reason I've got to where I am because of that. And yeah, of course, there's a little part of that that's going to be true, but not all of it is true. And the way that I work now is so different to the way that I used to work then, and I probably get better results now. So I really hope that you like this episode and find some value in it. And please let me know how you get on. So at some point, someone has convinced us that if it's not hard, it doesn't count. And we've just believed it. I don't know about you, but for me growing up, my mum and dad both worked really, really hard, and I could see that every day. Like we would sit and wait for my dad to come home from work. And when I was much, much younger, he used to actually work in Manchester and we lived in Coventry, which, if you know, England is quite far away from one another. And I remember sitting and like waiting for him to come home from work, and he was working all day long and then driving two hours home. And it was, he really, really did work like seven till seven every day, up until he retired. And I never even really saw him take a sick day. And my mum was the same. I remember my mum did part-time at some point when we were little because she had to, but when as soon as that stopped and we were in school, she was working all the time. She had second jobs, she was making stained glass at one point and selling that, she was making cards and selling that, she was doing the yellow pages and selling that. But what I'm showing you here is that was my representation of hard work. They've done an amazing job, but they were showing me that to be able to go on these holidays, to be able to have a car each and you know, live in a house that's looked after, you had to work that way, and that was it. And that was the only way that you could do it. So for me, when I started growing up, I obviously just wanted to make money and wanted to do well. And I really always had this like burning desire to work, but I definitely had the belief that you had to like push yourself so hard when you were working to be able to be successful. So I really thought that working 12 hours a day was necessary, and it wasn't. In the first salon that I ever worked in, I think my boss there, she was the same. She used to work crazy hours, and I used to see that and think, I need to do the same. And if I'm not pulling my weight, then I look like I'm the one who doesn't want it enough. And really, those things are all beliefs, they're not actual, it's not a reality. It's just what we think, and it's what we've been conditioned to think by people around us, our surroundings, and that has like compounded and built up over time, and it has made us the way that we are today. So I want you to really think about how you've grown up, what you were modelled as hard hard work, what you have been shown, and how that maybe plays a part in your life now every day too. I know that for me, my personality trait basically became hardworking. And if somebody described me and they described me as hardworking, I would see that as like a massive honour. I would love to be known as somebody who's hardworking. And to be honest, I still would now because I do really like that side of my personality. But then it was more of like a toxic thing. Like I had to be working every day. I could never say no to a client. I would literally push myself to the extremes of burnout and see that as like I'd succeeded. And I can remember doing hair and coming home and my feet robbing from being stood behind the chair all day. And it felt like a success. Like if I had that pain, it meant I'd worked really hard that day and I was gonna do really well, I was gonna become successful, I was gonna get more clients, I was, you know, gonna work my way up in some sense quicker than maybe other people. Exhaustion does not mean that you are working hard than someone else. And it has taken me a long time to learn that. And the other thing that it really took me a long time to learn was comparing my success to others. So I felt like, especially in those early days, I would see other stylists, for example, who would be fully booked and really busy, and I'd be thinking, well, how can I get like that? I must work more hours, I must do this, I must do that. And I'd just push myself beyond my means constantly. And this is not me saying that you don't have to work hard to get to what you want, but it's really looking at it from an internal perspective and actually starting to work out where your energy is best served, and not only that, what you are projecting out as well. So, going back to where does this come from? So, we are taught that hard work equals worth. So, suffering is worth it because you're gonna get your worth at the end. You're gonna get the big paycheck at the end. So the hard work and the exhaustion and the burnout is always gonna be worth it, is what we're taught. And social media rewards the struggle narrative. And I don't know if you've ever noticed this, and again, I am guilty of this, but I would post, for example, on social media working seven days this week, back to back, fully booked. And you know, as well, people will put the whole started from nothing on the reels and things like that. And social media massively pays a part in this, and we all love seeing a success story, somebody that's come from nothing, they've worked so hard and then they've done so well. What happens is when you're looking at that as a viewer, you're thinking, well, I need to struggle to get to where I want to be. You're not thinking I have to be smart and like tactfully think about how I work. You're thinking, no, I need to struggle, I need to feel the pain to be able to get to the end. And it's like if we're not struggling, we're not working hard enough. I definitely used to use the phrase of being crazy busy as like a personality trait. And I used to love posting about how many days I'd worked and how busy I was and how crazy it was. And I you'll probably notice that I tend to do a um catch-up on my Instagram every Sunday. And this is something that I started years and years ago, probably like COVID-y times, if not before. And that used to be very much like everything I'd done for work and you know, how busy I'd been and how crazy I was with work on every day. And it's definitely changed now because that's absolutely not my reality anymore. But again, it was just enforcing this personality and this narrative that I was putting out there of how hard I was working and I needed that like validation from everyone else. And I think a lot of you who are listening have either maybe done that before or could definitely resonate with this, or even if you don't feel like this resonates with you, but maybe you're a viewer of this and maybe you're a consumer of it without realizing, and you're looking at these people like myself in the past who are working so hard and thinking, well, hang on a minute, why am I not working that hard? Or oh, she makes me feel like I'm not doing enough because she's doing so much, and like that's never my intention, by the way. But somebody can perceive what you're doing as that. And if you are posting all the time of burnout and how crazy your hours are and things like that, there is probably someone watching it and thinking that as well. I know that for me, when I stopped doing hairdressing, this was so difficult because I had gone from being 14 all the way up to 30 and always worked behind the chair, always been so busy. I was so proud of the business that I built, the clients, the team, everything. And I felt like my identity was behind the chair at that point. And then when I felt like I could no longer manage everything and I needed to step back, I really struggled with that. And it's not because I didn't want to, because I definitely wanted to, but I felt like my identity had changed. And my identity was always this hairdresser who worked really, really hard behind the chair, and all of a sudden my life had changed, my business had doubled, I had two kids, and I couldn't keep it up anymore. And I think that that for me was showing a very new, vulnerable side that I hadn't done before, and I definitely didn't find that easy at the time. The more that I stepped back and the more I took time and grace and was just a bit kinder to myself in that time, the more I realized how much better the business was doing with me away from the chair. And this was something that I found fascinating when I spoke to my accountant actually, because she'd said to me that the year that I'd come away from the chair, wasn't doing any hair, the business had done so much better. And it's because all of a sudden I had eyes on the business rather than in it. And actually, when I was in it, I was just working, working, working, working, working and not actually taking a minute to step back and have eyes on everything that was going on. But also my energy wasn't being used in the right way. I was burning myself out, I was running myself into the ground by just being so busy and trying to get as many appointments in as possible and, you know, please everyone else, that actually I wasn't doing what was right for me. I wasn't doing what was right for my business, for my family, for even for my clients, really, because they probably weren't getting the best version of me either at that point. And actually, for me, stepping back and working in a slightly different way was the best thing that I could have done. And I think that had I have continued behind the chair, something would have had to have changed anyway. There was no way that I could keep going the way that I was. So I'd have to have done less clients in a day or less days in a week to be able to keep up with the life that I was living alongside that anyway. But I definitely don't think that I could have grown my business to what I have now if I was still behind the chair. And I still had, had I still had that mentality of burnout, crazy work is what gets you success, and just driving myself into the ground, basically. So hard work is needed for your success. This is not me saying that you don't have to work hard to be successful. You can, you do need to still work hard, but you don't have to burn yourself out and lose yourself in the process. There's a difference between meaningful hard work and suffering for someone else's sake. So if you are in business now or you work for yourself or whatever your work situation looks like, even your daily life situation looks like, really think about how are you working right now? Are you working so hard that you are losing a lot of other things in your life at the moment? You're spinning too many plates. Is there actually one area that you can divert your attention to and focus on that one thing? Get that to be really, really good, and then the other things will start to pick up and follow over time. Is there something that you can delegate to someone else and you don't actually have to do that? But right now you're just trying to take control of too many things at once. And ask yourself, is this hard because it's building something, or is it because I haven't set it up properly? Because when I started the salon, I was, I had my, I was doing the social media, I was still helping behind reception, I was taking the phone home home and doing that at home while doing my clients, while doing stock orders and things like that. And then eventually, when I started to realize I couldn't do everything, I hired a manager, I hired uh my accountant, I hired another receptionist. And obviously, I understand that those things can only really start to happen once your business starts to grow. But if you are in the beginning stages of your business, delegating as early as possible is so important to be able to grow properly and to be able to grow with a healthy mind and a healthy mindset. Sustainable ambition is so important. And that is what looks like doing the hard thing but also recovering from it. We can still work hard and work a bit smarter at the same time. It doesn't have to be so crazy. We don't have to struggle all the time. And I think the more that we stop posting about the struggle, and okay, I'm not saying don't post about the struggle, but what I mean is glamorising the struggle. You can absolutely be vulnerable, be open, be honest about what it took for you to get there, but let's stop glamorizing it. Let's stop making people think that that's exactly what they have to do to be able to get to where you are. And let's stop making it seem like it's a rite of passage to be able to get successful. Because you can want big things and still want a good night's sleep and to eat well and to have a relationship and to have a family. You can still want big things and get all of those things at the same time. You just have to be a little bit smarter about it and not create this lifestyle of where burnout is a necessity. I know that in the phase of my life that I'm in right now, the old me five to ten years ago would probably have a heart attack at looking at my diary now because it is so much more relaxed, it is so much calmer, and old me would have hated that and struggled with that and just not even enjoyed that in the slightest and felt like I wasn't actually going to be achieving anything by working the way that I am now. But believe you me, I am. And you know, I do work at a much slower pace now, but I work with so much more intention. I am clear on exactly what my goals are, I am clear on where my energy is best served and where it's not. I am clear on exactly what my to-do list is and how to get it done and when to get it done. And I am just so much more productive and pro and intentional with my time. And because I am like that now, I have so much more free time than I have ever had before. I am able to pick my girls up from nursery, drop them off, and I'm able to spend time with them in the week alongside working. I'm able to meet a friend for a coffee on a Wednesday morning if I wanted to. And those things were never an option to me before because I saw that doing those things as taking me away from my goal, taking me away from hustling, taking me away from working hard, when actually those things now mean that my life is better because I'm happier. And also I have conscious time to focus on my goals. And I am now the visionary behind this business. And without that, the business can't grow. Your business can only grow as big as you. So you have to put the time and the effort and the energy into growing yourself as a human, as a person, as a woman, to then grow your business. And that is in turn with the people that are around you. If you have a team that work for you, they are going to be a reflection of you as well. So if you need to become this happier, lighter person for them to be able to blossom as well. And if they are constantly seeing you in burnout, in, you know, you're looking tired, you're finding work hard, it's a struggle because you only finished at midnight last night and you're in at seven again today. If you're showing your team that version of you, yeah, they're going to be impressed. She's working hard. We're so grateful that she's working hard, but you're not showing them your best self. You're just showing them you working really, really hard. And then they might start to try and replicate that. And then what happens in turn? They need a week off because they're so burnt out that they then can't come into work. And actually, that's not where the energy flows, that's not where the ideas come from from that point. You always get your ideas when you're on holiday, sat on a beach, not thinking about anything. And that's because your brain finally has time to breathe. So if you give yourself time in your diary now to be able to breathe, to be able to just sit, be present, be still, those ideas will start to come to you a lot easier than before when you were in burnout. Rest is productive. And a rested version of you is going to make better decisions, create better content, create a better working environment for everyone around you. So what I want you to take from this is that you are allowed to rest, you're allowed to build something that feels good to build. Doesn't have to always feel like a struggle, doesn't have to always feel hard. You can be building something that naturally might feel easy to you. Struggle doesn't validate ambition or results do. If it is just flowing, then let it flow. Stop trying to push for it to be harder, because I know that I'm also guilty of that. So remember the goal. And if you are suffering and you are putting yourself through the pain to get there, take a step back, take a minute, take a break, and have a better vision on exactly what it is that you're building and why you're building it, and start to try and change your trajectory of how you are doing it. Because remember, if you have staff around you or if you have children yourself, you are showing them what it takes for hard work as well. And I know that for me, I want to show my girls that I work really hard, but I also have a great life while doing it. I'm not suffering for my hard work. Well, I really hope that you got some good tips out of that. A book that I actually read as well, which really stuck with me on this one, was Jen Atkin, um, Blowing Your Way to the Top. She is a celebrity hairdresser, she's amazing. And um, her book was really, really good for me because she really talks about working so hard and how burnout hit her and how she had to really then start taking a step back. And it really did open my eyes to how I was working at the time. And I just think if you can read that, and if you are in a similar industry to me, then I think you'll really, really like that book. And even if you're just a woman in business, I think you'll find it interesting. Um thank you for listening. Thank you for watching if you're watching on YouTube, and I will see you next week. All the details for how to buy me are down below. Don't forget to look at Substack if you like long form written content. I write about all of this stuff very honestly in my newsletter. On that link is in the bio. Thank you so much. Bye.