What living abroad actually does to your relationships, money & mindset

What does living abroad actually do to you? In this episode I open up the conversation that my Instagram audience started. Sharing their real, unfiltered experiences of expat life. From the friendships that serve you for a season to the dating scene nobody warns you about, the family relationships that shift when you leave, and the money mindset that Dubai quietly installs in you. This is the honest version of the expat story. If you've ever said "I'm only going for 2 years"... this one's for you. Topics: expat life · Dubai · relationships · friendship · dating abroad · money mindset · identity · personal growth

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Welcome to Aligned and Unfiltered. This is a podcast where we speak honestly about what it really takes to build a life that aligns with a future version of you, one that you keep saying that you're going to be. I will give you a self-help path and a tool to be able to bridge the gap from where you are to where you want to be. Let's get started. Hello and welcome back to Aligned and Unfiltered. I am so glad to have you here. Whether or not you are watching or listening, I am so grateful to have you here. I recently put a little question box on my Instagram story on my personal account, and I was asking whether or not people wanted to have a little bit more personal life attached to the podcast and also just a slightly different theme to how the other episodes have been. And pretty much everybody said yeah. So we're gonna add a little bit more lifestyle into this podcast and just see where it goes. I am more than happy to pivot and change and just basically adapt as I go because this is still very new to me and I want to make sure that it is the best podcast that I can deliver for you. So in today's episode, we are gonna be talking about what it's like to be an expat, things that have happened that you didn't expect, things that maybe you didn't prepare for, and I'm gonna speak about my experience as an expat as well. The biggest thing for me when becoming an expat was very much we're gonna go for two years. And I think that the two-year mark is always a bit of a lie. I think that actually a lot of us tell ourselves and tell each other, tell our family a lot of the time as well that it is only gonna be for two years because then it isn't as permanent, it is a bit more temporary, and it's okay if we want to come back quicker. Or, you know, we're kind of not really putting both feet in by saying two years. And although two years is a long time, for me, two years wasn't enough time. I remember just before we were about to move, I said to Andy, actually, if we go for two years, that's not worth it for me. Because for me, I was giving up my fully booked clientele, my really busy, booming business at home to move somewhere for two years, then just go back to it and then have to start again with no clients. So I started to realise actually before we moved that it would probably look more like three years to make it worth it. Eight years later now, I absolutely did not expect that. But, you know, we roll with it. So I think that for a lot of people, a lot of us as expats, we kind of put a little bit of a timeline on it when we first move somewhere. And like I said before, I think that that is more out of probably a bit of scarcity, trying to please other people, and looking after ourselves as well by doing that and saying, oh, it's only going to be for this amount of time. And actually, I think if you can just go into it with a bit less pressure of a timeline and just see it for what it is, enjoy it for what it is, then I think that it can actually be a lot better. My first few years of living in Debat, I would constantly be having the conversation of, I wonder when we're going to move home. Do you think it'll be next year? Or do you think it'll be then? Even with my clients, that was the conversation that I was having a lot of the time as well. And it was clearly just the energy that I was giving off, that it wasn't permanent, it was a bit more temporary. And then the group of friends that I met when we moved over here are actually all still here. So we all moved over to Dubai at the exact same time, and we've all done eight years now, and none of us are really making signs to leave, which is really interesting. Um, and one of our friends actually did leave, but they then came back because they did realize that the grass wasn't as green as what they thought at home. But I think that actually making roots somewhere, and for me, obviously I speak about it being Dubai, but for me, making that decision that actually this is going to be a bit more long term, I felt like this weight just came off my shoulders. And I was like, oh, okay, now I feel like that. I can now decorate where I'm living, or I can now create some longer plans of living here. And I actually loved that. Once I'd made that decision, for me, as a bit of a planner type person, I really enjoyed that and felt a lot of peace and happiness in the fact that I'd now decided that this was going to be a bit more permanent. And for me, that really came from when I got the salon because obviously I knew that once I got the salon, that was it. Then, you know, for a good chunk of time, I knew that I was gonna be here. And then not that long after the salon, we obviously had kids and then we got a house and you know, slowly but surely started putting down more and more roots into actually staying here. But you know, you could live somewhere as an expat for a very long time and don't have to ever have those like big roots, should I say, to a place. But I definitely think just letting yourself relax into it, letting yourself enjoy it for whatever it is, whether it is a year, two years, or 10, just be kind to yourself, stop putting too much pressure on yourself. And if you do feel pressure from family, for example, at home that want to know when you're coming home, then maybe have those open conversations of this is where I am, this is where I'm happy, and I need you to stop putting this pressure on me. I need you to stop asking me whenever I'm gonna be coming back. I remember my friends, whenever I would go home, would be like, So you're moving home yet? And they've just stopped asking me now because they can see and they can appreciate now the type of life that we do have and how happy we actually are here. But I think that having those external pressures from other people does make it a lot more difficult when you are an expat. So if you do have those, then I would definitely recommend putting some boundaries in place and having some really honest and upfront conversations of exactly how you view your life here and that maybe you don't view it as temporary as what people think it is. So if you are still an expat, then let's talk about what actually happens when you stay. So when I put out a QA on my Instagram of asking people what it was that really surprised them the most when being an expat and what they found the hardest, a lot of people had said about their relationships back at home. And I think this can be really confronting and difficult because we leave home and you leave this, let's say, friendship group that you've had for years and maybe you've grown up with and you don't know any different. And obviously, now you've taken yourself out of that. So you geographically have this distance between you that wasn't there before. You do really start to realise who your true friends are and who even you want to put the effort in with as well. It's not just them putting the effort in with you, but it's vice versa as well, and that can be really confronting because naturally it is a lot harder to be able to put the effort in, to make the phone calls, to reply to the messages, to check in on people. That is quite difficult, and sometimes it can be very confronting on the ones that don't check in as much, or maybe even the ones who aren't that happy for you about your new life. I can remember when I told one of my best friends that I was moving to Dubai and she was devastated. And selfishly, from my perspective, I just hadn't even thought about or realised how this would impact her and how that could upset her, the fact that I was moving away. It just never even occurred to me, and that was quite a selfish thing on my behalf, but at the same time, on her behalf, she couldn't see it as like a really good thing for me at the time. She was just very much like, I can't believe you're leaving me. I'm so upset that you're leaving me. And I remember when I did leave, she did definitely take it quite hard, and we still have such a close relationship to this day. And I know that she's so happy for me now, but I know that she would have me back at home in a heartbeat if she could. And same goes, I would have her here in a heartbeat if I could. I've tried to get her to move over here and it's not happening. But sometimes relationships can stand the test of distance and sometimes they can't. And you have to really be okay with that, make peace with that, and let time do its thing. Put the effort in from your side if you do really want to keep the relationships. But if you're happy to let them go, then let them go. Not every relationship has to be forever. Another one that's a big one with this, and obviously ties in, is also with family. It can be really difficult when you move away as an expat and then you don't get the contact from your family that you thought you would. Or maybe you're always the one contacting them and they're not always the one contacting you. And I think sometimes the biggest thing behind this is out of sight, out of mind. I think that that is a huge part of this. It's not always malicious, it just genuinely is. If you're not there, people aren't thinking about you. And that's okay. People have their own lives. I can remember going home the first time I ever went home, and I hadn't been in Dubai that long. I'd literally moved here 21st of August, say, and then my granddad had passed away, and I went home the end of October. So you're looking at two months, right? I've literally not been away very long. But I remember going home and going into one of my friends' flats, and all my friends were sat there and they were just like, You're right, as I walked through the door, like just literally lifted their head, like, hey, you okay? It was as though they'd seen me the day before. And I was expecting this, like, oh my god, hi, like massive hugs and big reception of me coming back home. And that just was not what the case at all. And I remember being a bit like, oh, okay, you know, a little bit put out. My ego was probably bruised a little bit, but in actual fact, like they all have their daily lives that are just still going on. And just because I've come home for a couple of days doesn't mean that things dramatically have to change. Some extent now, something that I love is when I do go home, I do just slot back into everybody's lives as normal, and it isn't necessarily such a big deal. The other thing is as well, like you are naturally gonna miss things when you are an expat. You're gonna miss birthdays, you're gonna miss big events, you might miss weddings and hen-dus and stagdos and big events in people's lives. And that is something that is really hard when you are an expat, and you kind of just have to make peace with, if I'm gonna be completely honest. You can't attend everything. And I know a lot of people that do attend almost everything, and they burn themselves out flying here, there, and everywhere to just try and make everyone else happy and not themselves. And I think that if you are one of those people, take a look at actually why are you doing it? Are you doing it because you actually want to go, or are you doing it because you don't want people to think that you haven't put the effort in? Are you doing it because you want people to be like, oh, she's so amazing, she does this, she flies back and forth, or you know, is it because actually you want that external validation, or is it because you actually want to attend these things? And that's quite a confronting question that you need to ask yourself. I remember when it was my sister's wedding and she got married the same year as me, and we had such a massive year in this specific year. She turned 30, my mum and dad turned 60, I got married, my sister got married, I had best friends getting married as well. There was a lot in this one year, and I was also opening the salon at the same time, so I didn't go to my sister's handu, which I still back now. Of course, I wish that I could have been there, but I had to make that decision based on the fact that I had so much else going on, other things took priority in my life here, because my life is here. And luckily, she was extremely understanding. She was very aware that that wasn't something that was going to be able to happen. And I, of course, made it back for her wedding and you know made up for it in other ways, but I really did put that boundary in place and just say, Look, I'm so sorry, but I'm not going to be able to come to your Handu if it's not a couple of days before your wedding. If it's going to be at a different time, I'm just not going to be able to be there. And she is my only sister, so that was like a big decision to make and not something that I made easy, made the decision lightly or found easy to do, but it was definitely something that I had to do at that time and what worked right for me. Might not have been right for everybody else, but it was definitely the right thing for me. I think that as well, when you are an expat, you really appreciate the moments that you do have at home so much more. And one of the responses that I got from the QA was saying, always say I love you, take photos, appreciate the time because your mindset changes so much when you are abroad and you are missing those things and you're missing. I haven't been home for a year, for example. So I've missed a year of a lot of people who are very close to me to their lives. I speak to them, but I haven't seen them for a year. I'm very fortunate that I've seen my mum and dad in between that because they came here, but I haven't seen my parents, you know, for like six months at a time. And people are getting older, people are changing. And three, I think, of my really close friends, yeah, three, have had babies in a time that I haven't been home and I've missed that. And I think that being an expat forces you to really take notice of the things that you are missing, but also appreciate the moments when you have them. So I think it's a really lovely thing that this girl has said appreciate the moments so much more when you do go home. Take the photos, take the videos, tell everybody that you love them and really, really cherish that time because it is really hard when you are then away for a big chunk of time and you're not seeing those people as much. I think ultimately being an expat is quite a selfish decision, but I personally don't mean that in a negative way. I know that for me, being an expat was my decision, it was Andy's decision as well, and it was our decision to make a better life for ourselves and what we thought we could have in the UK. And that didn't include our families, which is really sad, isn't it? Because I know now if my girls were about to up and leave, I'd probably be gutted, but I would understand. And luckily, our parents understood for us as well. I do think that being an expat is quite a selfish decision, but I also think that everybody has the right to make that decision for their own lives and to better themselves, to create new opportunities that maybe you don't have where you live at home. With that in mind, I would just, yeah, cherish those moments at home as much as you can, because they are few and far between when you do live abroad. The other thing as well is I think that when you do move abroad, you do change. What you like probably changes, how you are changes, what you do might change, like the things that you like to do on a weekend, especially if you've lived abroad for a long time, like me. When I moved here, there was a version of me that moved here and there's a version of me now. Like there's eight years between it. So obviously everyone is going to change in that amount of time. But sometimes when you do go home, people don't always like this new and improved version of you. And they might not resonate with it, they might not recognize it. And again, that's okay. And you might find that on the flip side that when you go home, your friends and family might feel very different and not the same as the people that you left behind. And again, that's okay. I personally find that when I go home, not much changes, and I find that everybody seems to just be doing the same thing. And that's no shade on anyone back at home, but I just think that for me, home life and UK life has such a slower pace of life than Dubai does. And everything has its place for that. Like a slower pace of life is so lovely for some people, and that works so well for a lot of people. But for me, I wanted growth, I wanted change, I wanted a faster pace of life, and that's why obviously Dubai suits me really well. But will it suit me in 10 years' time? Maybe not. That's just something I'm gonna have to cross that bridge as and when I get to it. Okay, so something that a couple of people said in the question, in the questionnaire, was not to settle for friendships that don't serve you. Some friendships are right for a season of your life as an expat. They serve a purpose at a certain time, and it's so normal to make new friends no matter what age or stage. Being comfortable with this is so empowering. And that is so lovely. Best bit of advice that I got when I was moving to Dubai was don't make best friends with the first person that you meet. And when somebody said that to me, I remember being like, What? Of course I'm gonna make best friends with the first person that I meet. But actually, it made so much sense because what happens is when you move over here, you're lonely and you're looking for friends and you're a bit desperate because you know, you don't have your friends around you, don't have that comfort blanket around you that you had in, let's say, England. So you meet this group of people or a person or whoever it is, and you cling to them and you're like, this is gonna be my best friend now, and this is it. And then you either stop meeting other people because you have this person, or you just form a relationship with this person, and actually maybe they're not like you, and maybe you aren't aligned in your values or in the way that you want to do things, but because you have clung to them from day one, it's then very hard to get away and make new friendships and meet different people. And ironically, the first people that I did meet when I moved to Dubai are actually still some of my best friends today. However, I have then gone on to still meet new people and make new friendships who were then just as close friends today. I think with what that person said, with not to settle for friendships that don't serve you, the problem is when you come here and you don't have other friends, it's very easy to just stay with the friends that actually aren't right for you because you don't have any others and because it's daunting to have to start again. But really, one of the beauties of living in Dubai, for example, is everyone has been there. Everyone has been in the same position as you, everyone has experienced that start from pretty much zero, or everyone has experienced having to make new friends and having to make new connections. So a lot of people are quite open to still meeting new people. And that's something that is really lovely because I know that for me in England, for example, I very rarely made new friends because I was just surrounded by my friends that I went to school with and my friends that I worked with, and then that was it. I wasn't interested, I didn't even think about, you know, meeting other people on top of that. What you'll also find is that your friendships as an expat do move quite quick. The same with relationships, because again, you don't have anyone else around you necessarily. So they are a little bit more intense. You do see each other a lot more than you probably would at home because you don't have family. So your friendships here really do become your family. And when they don't work out, that is why it hurts so much more. And that is completely normal. That is also why it's so important to be careful on who you choose to be your friends and not just somebody out of convenience. One of the big responses to the questionnaire was dating. So many people put dates in and that dating has been a struggle for them in Dubai. Dating has been one of the hardest things, dating has been something that has surprised them over here. And obviously, I can't comment on this because I moved over with my husband and we've been together ever since. So I thank God don't have any experience in this. However, speaking from experience of seeing friends go through this, yeah, this sounds hard. Like it sounds so difficult. And honestly, most of the people that I know, my girlfriends who've then met guys, it's more often than not been when the guy has just moved to Dubai and before he's become quote unquote Dubai dickhead. That is very much generalizing, but a lot of the time that is what happens, and also what you find is a lot of the time, if you've lived here for a long time and you've been single here for a long time, it's so hard to come out of your routine, come out of your daily life to be able to let someone else in. And that works on both sides of the coin as well. It's also probably going to be difficult because you've got people from all over the world. Whereas again, if you're dating someone from your hometown, you are likely to have something in common with them because you are from the same area, you might know some of the same people. Whereas here, there's a good and a bad side to it, I suppose, where you're meeting people from maybe a completely different nationality, a completely different religion, a completely different way of life to what you're used to. And that can take a lot of adjustment as well. Equally, it could just be that the person you're meeting isn't that aligned and actually again, specifically talking about Dubai, is here to just have fun and just go out and isn't actually interested in anything serious. I know that for people who are wanting to meet someone serious, that can be really, really difficult. Look, for me, with my attitude on Things, I genuinely think that you can make anything happen. You can manifest an amazing relationship, an amazing partner. And I do believe that anything can happen with the right mindset going into it. And, you know, you showing up as the person that you want to attract as well. However, I am very aware that I am saying this on my side of the table as somebody who is happily married and never had to date. So I feel like I'm not really qualified, I'm definitely not qualified, to be able to make an opinion on it. But just sharing from what some other people have said, dating is specifically quite hard as an expert money was another big topic that people were saying. Someone has put, when you're here, obviously meaning Dubai, you're in a bubble about money and you will just spend, spend, spend. Someone else has put diversifying where my money is in terms of countries and industries and not just real estate. Now that is a really good one, and something that I will actually be talking about in a few episodes to come with my um guests I have got on, which is going to be really exciting. So I think that when everybody moves to Dubai specifically, it really is like monopoly money. You're constantly trying to convert it in your head, you're struggling to, you know, remember exactly how much that is, and you just kind of feel like you're chucking money here, there, and everywhere, and you're not actually aware of the value of money again. It's kind of like you move here and that goes out the window, and what you earn, you just spend. And then I think for me, anyway, after being here for a few years, that's then when I was like, oh, hang on a minute. I actually am earning a good wage, but I don't have anything really to show for it other than my lifestyle of going out. And as lovely as that was, especially for the time of the life, time of life that I was in, and also my age, it was great. But when I got a few years older, I was like, oh, hang on a minute, this is a bit silly. And I remember specifically when it came to doing our wedding and we paid for the wedding, it was like, well, hang on a minute. If we can put that money aside for a wedding, why can we not save that? Why can we not just create that money in a different way and just put it in a savings account or invest it? And actually, we were just looking at things so differently, and everything that was coming in, we were just spending. Definitely think with money as an expat, it is a big topic because a lot of us can just spend, spend, spend and not really think about the future. Again, I think in Dubai, we have this kind of like really fast-paced lifestyle. There's always an opportunity to go out, there's always an opportunity to go on holiday or go and do something. And that kind of money that you've thought about putting away just instantly goes. And we are very much living for the moment when we're here. And you know, again, goes back to that whole, oh, I'm only going to be there for two years, so I'll just spend, spend, spend and have a great time. And that is great. Have a good time, but also think about the future. Think about the money that you could put aside. Like I just said about my wedding, we could have consciously been putting money aside in the first two years of being here and then been in a much better position a few years later, then have to then really save when it came to the wedding. I think that before you become an expat as well, it's really important to have a good bit of chunk of money behind you because when you are an expat, you don't really have things to rely on as much. You don't have people to rely on as much as while around you. So definitely getting some money behind you before moving somewhere is very important in my eyes. And then lastly, I think one of the biggest lessons that I have had as an expat is my mindset. I think that when you choose to change your life, you choose to move abroad, you choose to do this really big thing, you are almost jumping two feet into something and it has to work out because you've given everything to it. And I find that by that, that is just such a beautiful thing because you've put yourself in a position where it has to work, it has to work out. You know, you've moved abroad, you've made the biggest decision that you're probably ever going to make. And you'll say to yourself, Well, if it doesn't work out, it doesn't matter. I'll just go back home. And that is the beauty of it. If you have that option to be able to just go back home, then why not give it give it a go? I moved over to Dubai when I was 23 years old, and I have met so many people recently who have moved later on in life. And I think that that is so brave and so much harder as well, because you obviously have a lot more risk awareness when you're older, you probably have a lot more responsibilities as well, especially if you have a family or a property or anything like that, which I didn't have when I moved here. But if you can make that decision, if it's something that you really want to do and you can jump into it with two feet and just go for it and make the best for best life for yourself with this new decision, then it is the most liberating thing that you will ever do. And I would honestly recommend it to anyone. I love living abroad. I love having this almost double life, you know. I have a life at home where when I go home, I'm in leggings and a hoodie every day. I'm walking to the park with the girls, we're going to farms, like, you know, I'm just doing very different things. And then when I'm here, I get to be really busy in work and really focused on work. And I can do a pool day if I want to on a special occasion, or we go for a stay case at the weekend and we go and stay in really nice hotels. Like I have such a beautiful balance of a life from here and from in England, and I do feel really, really fortunate to be able to do that. But I do really, really recommend if anyone is thinking about it, just give it a go. Because even if it is just for two years, it's two years of an incredible experience that you'll never get back. I always remember my dad said that that was one of his biggest regrets. And I actually think that's probably why it's pushed me to be able to have the confidence to do it as well. But one of his biggest regrets was never going and living and working in Canada because I'm pretty sure that's where he said he'd got the opportunity to be able to go. And I am just so grateful that Andy was on board and that we did make this decision and that it's worked out the way that it has. So if you are considering it and you've not done it, I would say go for it. Send me a message if you have any questions. But I feel like I've given you a really good insight as to what life is like as an expat and what things might crop up for you that you weren't maybe thinking of beforehand. Thank you so, so much for listening to this week's episode. I have absolutely loved it. I feel like I've waffled on quite a lot, but I am really hoping that you have enjoyed it. And please give me any feedback. I really, really appreciate it. Follow me on Instagram, the links are all down below. And don't forget to subscribe to my Substack and YouTube as well. Thank you so much. I will see you next week for my first ever guest episode. See you then. Bye!