E12: Alysson Richelle — I See You. I Believe You.

Alysson Richelle shares her incredibly brave story, from being a Senior Sergeant in the police to becoming a powerful voice for people who've experienced domestic abuse.

We're really digging into the stuff no one talks about enough:
- what coercive control actually means (it's more than just physical abuse)
- understanding true consent, and
- how sometimes, when you're hurting, you get unfairly labeled as the problem.

These are critical topics that impact so many lives right now.

Alysson's message is clear and so important: 'I see you, I believe you, and you don’t have to go through this alone.'

Get to know more about Alysson and her work: https://wtdty.com.au/

If you have loved today’s episode, please share this with a friend. ❤️

About Lara Portelli:

As a successful business owner, NLP Practitioner, Midlife Reset Mentor, acclaimed award-winning author, and seasoned professional, Lara understands the challenges of navigating careers, business, and personal growth. She now channels her expertise into mentoring women through midlife and into their bodacious second act, helping ambitious women step into their power and build success on their own terms.

Connect with Lara: https://www.laraportelli.com/

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Welcome to Midlife Unplugged. I'm your host, Laura Portelli. This is the space where we strip away like Big S. Rip the gloves off and get real about what it means to thrive in our second act. Each week I'm joined by a guest who's walking their own fodacious midlife path. We're talking menopause, divorce, reinvention, and everything in between. Buckle up because this isn't your mother's midlife crisis. This is midlife unplugged. Hello and good afternoon, and welcome to the amazing Alison Rochelle, all the way from Brisbane, Australia, in Queensland, our sunny, sunny state. Hello, Alison.

SPEAKER_01 0:44

Thank you. Yes, it's an amazing day here. The rain's held off, so it's nice. Welcome. And you look like you're the beautiful location there with the trees behind. Yeah. No, I love my balcony and the views and the trees, and it's a bit different. Yeah, good. Do you work outside a lot? Uh in the new property we're in now, yeah, definitely. I'm loving the outdoor space. Well, don't I've only got a small house, so the outdoor space is just feels a lot more expansive and rounding. Good, good.

SPEAKER_00 1:13

Okay. All right, Alison. Tell us a little bit about what you do and what makes you Alice and Michelle and what you do on a daily for people and how you help them.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

So thank so I'm passionate about domestic violence and abuse and a real big advocate. Like my background was 15 years in the New South Wales police as a senior sergeant. And in that time, I never realized that I was in a really coercive, controlling relationship. There was all sorts of abuse. Um, and then obviously, even when I left it, I wasn't even aware about that. And then it came out recently, and then in April this year, I had an opportunity to learn how to use my lived experience as being a survivor of domestic abuse to come into the advocacy world. And I really had to fight for my rights. Like I'd been told in writing by police that I was a vexatious complainant and that's why they wouldn't investigate. Even though I had been ringing them that um police had told me, okay, everyone had said, no, you need to report these matters. If he's breaching the order, you need to report it. I had it in writing, in affidavits, admitting he was stalking me. He had it all over Facebook making accusations about me and my kids. And I was still told I was vexatious. So I wanted answers. It's like being in the police in 15 years, like I'd worked in child protection, sex crimes, and had been involved in like pretty big investigations. So I knew knew how to, I guess, understand the law, what was required to present a matter to the police and to the courts, because obviously we've got the police who investigate, the courts they decide what's happened. So I wanted to understand why police wouldn't do anything. So three and a half later hours later, I was in a police station going, if I understand what I know about the police, how does everyone who doesn't have this background know? And that's where I created what they don't tell you to help try and bridge that gap between survivors and the systems we're living in. Because everyone's told, report it to the police, you've got NDIs, you've got Sendlink, you've got all these things in place. But unless you've been there, you don't know how to use it, you don't know how to access it, and often you walk away more confused than you did when you started.

SPEAKER_00 3:21

Yep. And if I'm um listen, like if I'm hearing what you're saying correctly, that experience then led you to that passion that's burning inside you today. And from that experience earlier this year, you've gone on to do the work you do today, right?

SPEAKER_01 3:38

Yep, very much so. And like I'd always, throughout the years, always been a bit advocate helping the underdog, like my kids were diagnosed with disabilities and neurodivergence very young. So I'd always sort of had that passion of helping others through like homeschooling, NGIS, getting like assistance for isolated children payments and that sort of thing. And then April, when I was really experiencing this myself, it's like, hang on, we need to do something to change. We need to be able to help people going through this. Because for me, it was really lonely, it was really isolating. I felt like I was constantly banging my head against a brick wall, not getting answers. And I understood the system. Well, no one really understands it, but I had an understanding of it.

SPEAKER_00 4:17

Yeah, can you imagine how scary that is? You've got an understanding of being in the system, working in the system, as you said. But for people that have never never like navigated the system, to be up again to be up against what they're up against anyway, going through personally, then to turn to a system that we're well, for want of a better word, told to turn to for assistance, then not to get that assistance. Like how how much how future, how further disempowering that is, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:48

Yeah, very much.

SPEAKER_00 4:50

And uh, yeah, and thankfully there's people like yourself out there now that have decided to turn their experience into a passion and and help people. So um, Alison, tell us um a little bit more about uh what chapter so you've you're in your chapter now, rebuilding uh your life. Um and tell us about a moment where you just where you decided enough was enough. Like, you know, a lot of people say I it was in this moment I was doing the groceries or I was doing this or doing that. What moment, because on this show, as you all as you know, we've you you filled in a questionnaire, as you know, it's you know, it's the fuck it years, it's about being real, being raw. Um, and we we will, you know, we unpack a lot of truths on this show that people don't want to talk about. Um, but you know, what was your fuck it moment? What was that? What was that that soul stirring moment where you went, fuck this, I'm done. I'm fucking dumb.

SPEAKER_01 5:55

Yeah, it was probably sitting in that police station, being blindsided by the police, gas-lit by the police, going, but it's easiest for us to charge someone with breaching an order and not to charge them, we've got to jump through this hoop, this hoop, this hoop, and this hoop. And I'm like, but I've presented you a brief, which I understand most people can't do, but I've ticked all your boxes to show the stalking, the breach of the protection order, and you're still telling me that all the matters are clothes close pending further investigation. I was like, this isn't good enough. And that's where I really learned that I had to advocate for myself. I had to really step out of my comfort zone. I was risking homelessness for the second time because the Airbnb were in after losing the family home was becoming to an end, and there were issues there. So it was like, hang on, no one's gonna fight for me harder than I'm gonna fight for me. That I need to change this for me, change it for my kids, and more importantly, I want to change it for others because no one should have to go through the shit I went through.

SPEAKER_00 6:53

And tell me about like that facing homelessness, you know, that when you're in that spot, obviously, you know, you're going through the homeless, but there must have been a point and a decision where you again said, fuck it, I'm leaving this home where you were experiencing that coercive control. I know I did. I got to a point where it was just one too many put downs on a Christmas Eve after 20 odd years of it. I know myself, and it wasn't any grand I'd planned it for that day. For me, it was just uh, I'm done. I've been mourning for a long time. Uh, how was it for you? I want to know how it is for other women.

SPEAKER_01 7:31

So I guess the first time that I left one relationship was very much when it was so evident he had played dad to another. Well, he's playing dad to my friend and her kids and abandoned our kids. And it was like, enough's enough, move out. Like, I can't get doing these supposed happy families where you're putting yourself in kids' beds and that sort of thing under the roof. It's like, you need to go. Let's give ourselves some space. And then the second time, I actually had surgery, it was the 21st of October and woke up having a panic attack. And I was like, I cannot go back to this person. The kids cannot go back. I'd let him take my car because my car was replaceable. But for I was safe, my kids were safe, my pets were safe, and it was like, no more. This is stopping.

SPEAKER_00 8:16

Yeah. How empowering is it, that feeling, right? When you you don't know, like you we're talking about navigating the system, you don't know where the heck you're going, do you? You just know that you're taking this gulp. You you just know that you know that the future has to be better somewhere down the road than what you're experiencing right now.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Yeah. And you don't know what it looks like. The kids are what I did it for as well. They deserved better. And like as I said, it was like he had my house keys, he had my car, but they were replaceable. He didn't have my kids, he didn't have the extra kids I had self-placed in my care at the time, and he didn't have my pets. So anything that really mattered to me of value that is irreplaceable, he didn't have. And it was like, fuck it, take my car, do whatever you want. But I'm gonna I'm gonna stop, I'm gonna protect me and my kids.

SPEAKER_00 9:09

I love that what you just said there. That is so good. Fuck it. You can have the material, you can have the car. It's it's it's a it's a hunk of tin, right? A hunk of metal with some wheels. And what was the other item?

SPEAKER_01 9:25

The car and the house keys.

SPEAKER_00 9:27

Again, yeah, yeah, but you don't have the key to my heart anymore, or the things that are uh you know irreplaceable. Chuck it, take the car, take the car keys. As you said, how good is that that he had no control over what really matters, right? Yep. And I think that's the turning point for a lot of not just women, a lot of people going through coercive control is when you get to that fuck it moment where you get undone, just that moment of there's nothing like it.

SPEAKER_01 9:58

Yeah, but it was even that like in mediation for property. Fuck it, like you're not going to agree to anything I want. Take whatever you want. My health, my kids' health is better. I will always rebuild. And everyone goes, but how do you rebuild? And I said, Because when I don't have the stress and drama, I can save again, I can invest again, I can make choices for me again, rather than being controlled by the system. So again, twice it was like, take it, they're possessions, everything's replaceable. Humans, pets, not so much, they're not replaceable.

SPEAKER_00 10:27

No, no, they're not. And you know, with the statistics of domestic violence um and women predominantly, I know it's not only women, but women predominantly losing their life in this country and around the world, um, you can't replace a beautiful soul, can you? No. So you never you were in that system earlier, and you're still for um want a better term, navigating, aren't you?

SPEAKER_01 10:53

Yes, still still in the systems.

SPEAKER_00 10:55

I don't think you ever get out. Yeah. But how how good is that that you're in it? So it is good that you're in it because you you know firsthand how you can guide other people through it, right?

SPEAKER_01 11:06

Yeah. And as a friend said to me the other day, she said, think of it, it's like you're you're doing work experience. When you live it, when you breathe it, when you're in it yourself, you can understand exactly what's going on. And I guess that's where I'm a bit different because I've seen both sides and liver can help guide you through it, like helping you emotionally, helping you get stuff together to present it to your lawyers, to present it to court. And I'm certainly not giving legal advice or anything like that, but it's helping you go, well, how do you control yourself, your emotions, put it together so you can present yourself and your information the best way possible to those who can support you and help in these systems?

SPEAKER_00 11:45

Um, so the other thing I wanted to touch on, um, Alison, that's really uh powerful that I was reading um from some of your story is that you've been talking about sexual abuse, domestic abuse, and misidentified victims. Can you unpack a little bit um what you're comfortable unpacking out of those three uh headings there? And I'm really curious to know um about the misidentified victims. What does that mean?

SPEAKER_01 12:15

Can you explain that? Let's start with the misidentified victims. Unfortunately, a lot of our systems and services are not trauma-informed. And I'm not trying to dismiss the jargon and that sort of thing. But quite often, if you're a victim of any crime, especially something serious, emotional, say sexual assault, domestic, or violence, you are going to be emotional. You've probably got to the point, as I said, you've gone, fuck it, I want help, I want support. But because you're emotional, you're deemed by other supports that you're the aggressor, that you're out of control. And then the person who's usually perpetrated the abuse is usually cool, calm, and collected because they have this persona that behind closed doors they do one thing, and then in the public they present completely differently. So when police services come to them, they're like, I didn't do anything wrong. They're cool, so they're presenting as cool, calm, and collected. And without that trauma and form, knowing that the emotional state is actually a trigger and a trauma response rather than a perpetrator response, people are often being told, well, you're aggressive, you're out of control, therefore what he said matches, and therefore they're misidentified. You get protection order slapped on you, you get charges slapped on you, because they haven't actually looked at exactly what's happened. They haven't looked at the patterns. And with coercive control, everyone goes, Well, how do you know about it? There's usually three things. Obviously, it's a pattern offense, like it doesn't just happen one off, and it's usually designed to control harm, but it's also the impact. Like, yes, there is patent defense, like people will always have an argument, but if it's not trying to control you, it's not trying to harm you, it's not taking away liberties, it may not necessarily be coercive control. So you really need those three aspects for it to be shown as coercive control. So that's and having that indication, like again, it's a very new offense. And a lot of like your financial abuse, your emotional abuse, psychological abuse, these happen over patterns. It's not a one-off incident, like a physical assault, sexual assault. They, I guess they more defined as a specific incident. And I guess because we've touched on sexual assault in marriage and relationships, this is probably where I'm really passionate. Like I investigated sex crimes, and a lot of the time we expect, and it's sort of, well, you're in a marriage, it's assumed that you give consent. But consent actually needs to be full consent. Just because you're asleep and you're married to the person doesn't give them a right for you to wake up and have them having intercourse with you or touching you. So I guess it's really redefining those versions of what is consent. And you need to actually physically consent to being intimate with someone, to being touched, rather than, well, we're married, it's my right to do it. Or I was asleep, I had PTSD, I didn't know what I was doing to you. So hang on, this is my body. I need to consent for you to do it. So it's really starting to break down those barriers that rape, sexual assault is not usually a not always strange a danger that we think of that someone's grabbed you off the street. That quite often it does happen in the home behind closed doors. And it's like the whole domestic abuse that people don't see it because there's no witness, like someone on the street being grabbed out of a car or in a park. Usually, especially these days and days, you've got CCTV. But in the home, it's like, but you might have consented to sex one night and the next night you're raped. So even if you go and have like sexual assault kits and stuff that are done, there's going to be semen there because you've consented the night before. So it's really hard to be able to prove. And of course, it becomes down to he said, she said, or whichever way, even in same-sex relationships, it's really hard because you don't have the external factors to show what is happening is what happened. So a lot of people minimize being sexually sold in a relationship, thinking, well, I'm married, he can do what he wants. But we're not objects of people. We are a person, we have our rights, and we need to start honouring that. And if you don't consent, you don't consent.

SPEAKER_00 16:03

Wow. I learned so much just then myself, like about you may have had sexual intercourse the night before, so therefore you could still have semen present, right? Which, of course, I guess if I if if you stop and think about it, but it's not something you really think about. But yeah, it's um the law is an interesting beast, isn't it, Alison?

SPEAKER_01 16:29

And this is what I mean, like, because I've investigated and seen obviously if it's a stranger, you're gonna have it there. But just sharing a bed with someone, like you're gonna have exchanges of skin cells, hair fiber, all those sort of things are gonna be intertwined, even from sharing a bed. So you don't get that exclusive DNA evidence. And unless it's a very physical act, you're not even gonna have physical evidence to show that hang on, this was forced. Like it's your word versus, and that's where it's really, really hard.

SPEAKER_00 16:59

Yeah. And uh you like you were saying, I think that's that I agree, Taylor. It the um misidentified victims that does encompass it can or it can encompass the domestic abuse and sexual abuse as well, right? Yeah, got you, got you. Um what do you think, Alison? I'm interested to know your take on what do you think women need to hear more right now? What do you think they need more education about right now?

SPEAKER_01 17:34

I I think it's their own autonomy that you can make choices for yourself. Your body is your body, your feelings are your feelings. If you're starting to question about anything about what someone's done to you, whether or not it's family, friends, workplaces, a partner, you have every right to start seeking support, seeking help for it to understand what is happening to you. Because most people in healthy relationships don't ask these questions. So if you're even having the slightest thought of, is he being unfaithful? Is he hurting me? Am I walking on eggshells? Start asking questions, start seeking advice, look outside, because likely there is something going on in your relationship that is not normal, that isn't okay, and you deserve to feel safe. You deserve to be seen, heard, and believed. And I'm not saying that everything needs to end up in a court system, just having your friends believe you, family believe you and support you so you can take appropriate action to change what's happening to you is needed. Like everyone says, Oh, you went on holidays, it was wonderful. They believe everything you say. But as soon as you say something potentially negative happened, where's your evidence? How did that happen? So we need to start believing people more. Like if someone's coming to you and disclosing that they've been abused or something's happened to them, believe them. Ask how you can support them. Because obviously you're trusted to them, but they don't need you to break that one trust, the one person that they could go to that thought would actually help them.

SPEAKER_00 19:01

Yeah, that one potential person that they saw something in you that they could approach you, and then you go, oh, you're firing a bavillian question at them, right? And the other thing I love what you just said too um, normal. What my normal in a relationship is could be completely normal, uh completely the opposite to someone else's normal, whatever that is, other than a cycle on a washing machine, right? That's normal. But my normal and what my levels of acceptance are these days are completely different what they were, you know, um five years ago, just before I left my marriage. My my levels of you know, uh uh acceptance and what I will put up with is a very different, very and I'm a very different person, and that's what happens.

SPEAKER_01 19:46

Yeah, and it's very hard because a friend might be going through it, family might go through it in generations. Things change over time as to what is accepted, what is happening. That again, normal's not, but if you're questioning yourself, how you're thinking and feeling, listen to it, believe that you've got something going on, don't just dismiss it because everyone else says, but that's normal, that's normal. Their normal is not your normal.

SPEAKER_00 20:13

Two things as we tend as we start to wrap up today. It's been awesome. I've learned so much from you already. Two things. Um finish this sentence for me. If just one woman hears this episode of you and I today, uh of you sharing your story, what would it be? That's so good. I see you sometimes you you become invisible, right? Your sense of identity crushed. Yeah, I love that. I see you, I believe you. Yeah, yeah, that's so poignant, Alison. I love that. Yeah, I see you, I believe you. Sometimes just those two statements uh is is enough just for someone to be able to feel safe enough to take it the conversation a bit further, right? That's so good. That's so good. And where to from here for you? What what's on the horizon for you and what you're doing? Tell me, tell me.

SPEAKER_01 21:27

So I guess I'm really excited. Like I'm really taking my skills and experience and actually stepping up into that expert witness space to help identify these patterns in coercive control. So that when we are in our court systems and other places like that, you've got someone who's independent who can actually help put point these patterns out to be able to help. Um, because quite often, if you don't have the tools or the way to structure it properly, it's getting dismissed, it's getting minimized. So that's where I'm really passionate about really take it in. But then I'm also really passionate about helping with that advocacy and the mentoring and helping support you on this. journey. So no one should have to do it alone. So I guess I'm here to hold your hand, support you through the process. And like I'm not here to take away from your lawyer or legal, but no one needs to pay four or five hundred dollars to have events, feel heard, feel seen, and discuss how they're feeling emotionally on this process. So I guess that's where I'm coming in to help piece it all together so you know you're not alone and be able to give you a little bit of that lived experience from how the systems are looking at what your lawyer's doing why they might be doing it so that you can process that easier and be able to move forward on this journey.

SPEAKER_00 22:33

Wow that's so good. So amazing I feel like we've still got a lot more to unpack. I think I'd like to have you back on again very soon. How do you feel about that, Alice?

SPEAKER_01 22:44

I'd love I would love to be back on. And as I said, this is where I'm really passionate about because more conversations like this are going to save people's lives. Whether or it's men, mums, kids, it's going to save lives by starting to talking about these topics.

SPEAKER_00 22:59

Yeah I'd love to have you back on very, very soon. I think we've got a lot more to talk about a lot more to unpack for and a lot more for people to know that you're there to support them. So thank you for taking the time out of your busy day. I know you're busy and I really appreciate you joining me this afternoon. Thanks a lot Alison and I look forward to having you back on really soon.

SPEAKER_01 23:18

Thank you so much for having me. And as I said if you're watching you are worthy we're here to support you don't do it alone. Absolutely absolutely thank you Alison.

SPEAKER_00 23:28

Thank you. That's a wrap on this episode of Midlife Unplugged the fuck it years. If today's conversation lifts something up in you hit subscribe share it with your midlife crew and keep the conversation going. I'm Laura Portelli. See you next week for another raw, real and unapologetic chat.