Who Am I Now? Finding Yourself When Motherhood Feels Heavy

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, this is not how I thought motherhood would go?

Maybe your children’s choices, struggles, distance from faith, or life decisions have left you carrying grief, confusion, worry, or even shame. And somewhere in the middle of loving them, helping them, and hurting for them you started losing you.

In this episode, we’re talking about identity and the truth that your child’s choices do not erase who you are. You are more than your role as a mother. You are more than outcomes, appearances, or expectations. You are still a beloved daughter of Heavenly Parents, still valuable, still growing, and still becoming.

Inside this episode we talk about:

•  Why so many moms lose themselves in motherhood 
•  How to stop tying your worth to your child’s choices 
•  The difference between true identity and “lie-dentity” 
•  What God says about your worth 
•  How to reconnect with yourself in this season 
•  Why you are still allowed to dream, grow, heal, and become 

If motherhood feels heavy right now, this episode will feel like a deep breath and a reminder that you have not lost yourself. You may simply need to come home to who you’ve always been.

Ready for more support?
If you’re tired of feeling emotionally hijacked by your child’s choices and want more peace, connection, and clarity, I’d love to help.

Book your Free Connection + Peace Call here

If this episode resonated with you, please share it with another mom who needs this reminder today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Have you ever looked at your life and thought, this is not how I thought motherhood would go? What if the heaviest part of motherhood right now isn't your child's choices? What if it's somewhere along the way you forgot who you are? Maybe you pictured grown children strong in their faith, making wise choices, staying close, building families, living the values you taught, and now things look different. And somewhere in the middle of grieving their choices, worrying, trying to fix, praying, wondering what went wrong, you started losing you. This podcast is for LDS moms who love the church but feel heartache and shame when life does not turn out the way you imagined. The sadness doesn't only come from others' choices, but from the thoughts and the feelings you carry and what you make it mean about you. Here we talk openly about worth, faith, and finding peace when life looks different than you expected, and church doesn't feel as simple as it once did, while staying anchored in God's love and remembering your divine worth. I'm Sherry Lee Kirchner, a certified life coach, and this is Open Conversations for LDS moms. This is episode 16. Who am I now? Finding yourself when motherhood feels heavy. Today I want to remind you of something sacred. Your child's choices do not erase your identity. Their path does not determine your worth. And nothing that has happened can separate you from who you truly are. A daughter of heavenly parents. Let's talk about identity. If you're a mom carrying worry, heartbreak, confusion, or disappointment because your child's life looks different than you hoped. As moms, we can lose ourselves. Our identity becomes our children, what they're good at, how well they're doing in school. And we lose who we are. Sometimes you even have an identity crisis. It might be when your youngest child goes to school, you're an empty nester, your husband retires, you have more time on your hands than you used to, and you don't know what you like to do in your spare time. Have you ever been asked the question, who are you? What would you say? How would you answer? So often we build identity around our roles. I'm a mom, I'm the one who keeps the family together, I'm the faithful one, I'm the one who raised the kids and the gospel, I'm the one whose family looks good. I'm a nurse, I'm a teacher, I'm a life coach, etc. None of those things are bad. But when identity is built only on our roles, then when the roles change, we feel like we disappear. Or we realize we don't even know who we are and what we like to do. We often think identity is external. The mom, the job, where I live, what people think of me. I recently heard Myron Golden use the phrase lidentity instead of identity. And I thought, where is he going with this? Because so many of us are living with labels that were never true. It might have been things people said when we were young. You're too much, you're not enough, you're difficult, you're selfish, you're unattractive, you're not spiritual enough, you're feeling, you're the problem. There's a good chance that those words were spoken to us by people who wouldn't even know they said them. Yet we have carried them for years. Meanwhile, we question what God says and believe what wounded people said about us. That is lidentity. And I think many women listening today are exhausted from fighting battles against things that were never true in the first place. When external things happen, we can panic a little, even get fearful. Our kids leave home, our kids' choices, marriages change, faith questions happen, plans fall apart. Then the question becomes, who am I now? Maybe nobody has reminded you how much goodness still lives inside of you. Sister Patricia T. Holland once said, You are stronger than you know. You are more beautiful than you think. You have more influence than you realize. Here's the truth I want to plant deep in your heart today. You were never just a mom. You are a spirit daughter of heavenly parents having a mortal experience. Motherhood is sacred, but it is not the whole of who you are. Your children are important, but they are not the source of your worth. Your family matters deeply, but they do not define your eternal identity. DNC eighteen ten says remember the worth of souls is great in the sight of God, and that includes you. I also want you to notice that scripture does not say the worth of obedient souls, the worth of perfect moms, the worth of families who turned out as planned. It says souls. That includes you, and that includes your child. Ever since I started this podcast, I've had some really interesting experiences. Every time I'm working on the content for the episode, and I feel like I have it all flushed out and the thoughts and feelings that God is placing on my heart, I always hear something just prior to my recording. And it's when I'm not looking for more content, I'm not looking for more quotes, I just hear them as validation of what I'm trying to share with you to be messages from our heavenly parents. And that happened with this quote from Elder James E. Faust. If through priesthood blessings we could perceive only a small part of the person God intended us to be, we would lose our doubts and never fear again. We sometimes forget our identity because we've tied it up in external things. I love that he didn't say life would stop being hard. He didn't say there would be no concern. He said we would lose our doubts. Because when we see ourselves through God's eyes, fear loses power. Not new circumstances, new sight. For this episode's You're Allowed Reminder. You're allowed to still become. You're allowed to have dreams that didn't disappear just because you became a mom. To laugh again, you're allowed to care about your own healing. You're allowed to build a life that includes joy, purpose, friendship, rest, and growth. You're allowed to matter. Motherhood is sacred, but it was never meant to erase you. As moms, we can carry some shame when a child steps away, and we can feel like we failed. If they struggle, I failed. If they reject what I taught, I failed. But agency has always been part of God's plan. Even our heavenly parents had children who chose differently. Perfect parenting does not eliminate agency. Your child's choices are not proof you've failed. They're proof that they are human and they are using their agency, which was a gift from our heavenly parents and our Savior, because He came for us to do what we could not do on our own. I'm gonna be honest here. Quotes like this next one used to derail me. This was from President Nelson. Nothing opens the heavens, quite like the combination of increased purity, exact obedience, earnest seeking, daily feasting on the words of Christ, and regular time committed to temple and family history work. What I've learned about quotes like this is obedience is not a vending machine. Faithfulness does not remove agency. Doing everything that we have been asked to do, exact obedience, daily feasting on the words of Christ, does not remove the agency from our child. But effort matters in heaven. I truly believe God is going to fix all of this. What if you've done all that you can and your results are still different than what you would picture? We are also reminded that the Lord loves effort. You cannot control outcomes, but heaven sees your effort. You're not meant to have the same gifts, the same children, the same temperament, the same trials, the same marriage, the same life path. Comparison destroys peace because it asks your life to wear someone else's shoes. God did not make copies, He made daughters and sons, different strengths, different wounds, lessons, assignments. In DNC forty six eleven it says, For all have not every gift given unto them, for there are many gifts. Some women are gifted with boldness, some with softness, some with wisdom through pain, compassion because they know heartbreak. Your road may be producing gifts you could not gain any other way. The other day my granddaughter asked me a question that made me laugh and got me thinking. She looked at me and said, Grandma, what do you want to be when you grow up? I laughed and said, Sweetheart, that is the exact question I've been trying to figure out for years. What do I want to be when I grow up? We're all learning, progressing, growing, receiving different gifts, recognizing different gifts, making them our strengths. Becoming isn't something we finish at 18 or 40 or 70. It comes in seasons. Maybe one year we become brave. Another year we become softer. Maybe one season we become women who set boundaries. Another season we become women who trust God more deeply. We keep growing into new versions of ourselves our whole lives. And if that's true, then you are not behind. You're becoming right on time. Now, the better question is, who is God inviting me to become in this season? This is where our identity gets tested, when life goes off script, when your child says no, when they leave the church, addiction enters, when relationships are strained, prayers feel unanswered. You may think, Who am I if motherhood doesn't look how I imagined? You are still chosen, still known, still loved, guided, still enough. Psalms forty six ten says, Be still and know that I am God. The healing is not in fixing them. Do you remember this beautiful quote from Elder Jeffrey R. Holland? However late you think you are, however many chances you think you've missed, I testify that you have not traveled beyond the reach of divine love. That applies to your child and it applies to you. Human beings are inherently valuable. Not because of performance or appearance, not because your kids are thriving, not because everybody approves. Inherently valuable. Like a one hundred dollar bill that gets crinkled, stepped on, crumpled, and still keeps its value. So do you. So how do you get from one place in your story to another? The simple answer is change your thoughts. Change the way you feel about what's keeping you stuck. That can sound easier said than done. It is impossible to trick our brains from heartache to I love what they're doing, what they did, or what they said. You will reject it quickly, but you can bridge your way there. At one point in my life, not too many years ago, I was stuck on the thought, I hate my story. I could not get past it. So my brain did what brains always do. It went looking for evidence and it was finding evidence everywhere to validate that thought, I hate my story. I was so stuck on this that I thought the only way out was to change my thought from I hate my story to I love my story, which seemed impossible. So I got some help from a coach and started bridging my way to I love my story. The first bridge thought I could get to from I hate my story was I have a story. That made my facts neutral and something that I could accept. I know it doesn't seem like real progress, but going from I hate my story to I have a story was huge for me. It felt so much better. And I was from then able to bridge my way even farther over to I love my story. Some other places that I got to was there are things that I like about my story. There are things that I'm proud of in my story, meaning proud of my growth. I'm not sure that I will ever get to I 100% love my story and everything about it. But no matter where I land on that bridge, it feels so much more empowering and better than I hate my story. Because when I was in there, I was spinning and finding all the ways to validate why I hated my story. So I'm gonna give you three things that you can do this week if you've been losing yourself in your child's story. The first one, separate their path from your identity. Their choices are theirs. Your worth is yours. The second one, reconnect with who you are spiritually. Ask Heavenly Father, who do you say I am? And then listen. And the third one, build a life that includes you too. Joy, purpose, growth, rest, service, healing. You're allowed to still live a beautiful life, even if someone you love are making choices that you wish they wouldn't. Sister Raina I Aberto Todd, you are not alone and you are loved. Simple, true, and to the point. Your child may be on their own journey, but you are still on yours. You're not done. You are not forgotten. You are still becoming. If you're ready to see your true identity and stop tying it to others' choices, but you need some help, let's talk. You can find you. You can have peace even if nothing changes in their choices. I would love to walk with you. Schedule a free one-on-one connection and peace call with me. In just 25 minutes, you will see that peace is possible and not when something changes. I'll talk to you again soon. Sometimes listening is enough, and sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. If this episode resonated with you, following or subscribing really helps this podcast reach other LDS moms who need these conversations. You're also welcome to share or leave a comment. Your voice matters here. But you were not meant to carry this alone.