What Happened vs What You’re Making It Mean

“Don’t tell me this is neutral when it’s breaking my heart.”

If you’ve ever thought that, this episode is for you.

When your child makes a choice that goes against everything you taught them, it doesn’t feel neutral. It feels heavy. It feels personal. It feels like everything is unraveling. It feels wrong.

In this episode, I’m walking you through the difference between what actually happened and the story your brain is building around it.

Because those are not the same thing.

We’re talking about real situations LDS moms face every day:

•  A daughter who is pregnant 
•  A son choosing not to serve a mission 
•  A child stepping away from church 
•  A child living with a partner 
•  A family that suddenly doesn’t look like what you pictured 

I’ll show you how your thoughts about these situations can quietly add layers of shame, fear, and suffering and how to start separating that out so you can feel more confident, more clear, and more like yourself again.

This is not about pretending things are okay.
 This is about stopping the extra pain you don’t need to carry.

You’re allowed to feel sad.
 And you’re also allowed to stay whole.

If your child’s choices are keeping you up at night or weighing on your heart, you don’t have to figure this out alone.

👉 Schedule a free call with me and let’s talk about what’s going on for you:
https://calendly.com/sherylee-kartchner/25min

I’ll help you come back to yourself… while still loving them deeply.

Transcript

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Don't tell me this is neutral when it's breaking my heart. When your daughter tells you she's pregnant, when your son says he's not going on a mission, when your child moves in with their boyfriend or girlfriend, when your husband starts drinking, when your child walks away from the church, you're telling me that's neutral? I know how that sounds because when you're in the middle of heartbreak, the last thing you want is someone saying, just see it neutrally. So let me be clear. I'm not saying it doesn't matter. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt. I'm not saying wrong is right. I'm saying this. There's what happened, and then there's what you're making it mean. And if you don't know the difference, you will suffer more than you need to. This podcast is for LDS moms who love the church but feel heartache and shame when life does not turn out the way you imagined. The sadness doesn't only come from others' choices, but from the thoughts and the feelings you carry and what you make it mean about you. Here we talk openly about worth, faith, and finding peace when life looks different than you expected, and church doesn't feel as simple as it once did, while staying anchored in God's love and remembering your divine worth. I'm Sherry Lee Kartchner, a certified life coach, and this is Open Conversations for LDS moms. This is episode 18, what happened versus what you're making it mean. This episode is for the mom whose heart hurts, the mom that's losing sleep, the mom replaying conversations, the mom wondering where she went wrong. Today we're gonna separate the facts from the story and how that separation can bring you relief. You've heard me teach this before, but today I want to apply it to some hard stuff. We have facts, something that can be proven in a court of law. Not opinions, not assumptions, not meanings. The facts of the situation. Here's a few examples. Here's a few examples. My daughter is pregnant. My son said he isn't going on a mission. My child said they will no longer attend church. My husband told me he is going to drink alcohol or continue to drink alcohol. My son is using drugs. A couple of those I would even want to make more facty. Like, my husband drinks alcohol. What exactly does that mean? Does that mean he goes out with his friends to the bar? Does he drink it in your home? Let's get it as fact-based as we can. My son is using drugs. A lot of us have used drugs. We've probably taken Tylenol for a headache. We've taken pain pills for broken bones or dental work. What kind of drugs is he using and how often? Let's get to the facts of it. The next layer, which is the story. It's our thoughts and our feelings that we are tying to those facts. It might sound something like, This should not be happening. I failed. Everyone will judge us. Our family is ruined. Satan won. God must be disappointed. My child is ruining their life. My husband is not the man he said he was going to be. After we have those thoughts, we create feelings. Shame, panic, fear, despair, anger, disappointment, hopelessness. And from that story, which is our thoughts and our feelings, we create behaviors. Those behaviors might be trying to control our child more, locking them in their room, sending them to a help center, making empty threats, setting boundaries, lecturing, obsessing. Maybe we can't stop crying. Or we people please. We maybe turn a blind eye and pretend nothing is wrong and hope it fixes itself. Our results show up after our behaviors. We create distance. We lose ourselves. We stop trusting God. We lose our peace. I want to get into why keeping the facts neutral is really important and what that means. When coaches say facts are neutral, they do not mean morally neutral. They mean it happened and that's it. If we have the fact my son is smoking marijuana or taking cocaine or fentanyl or whatever drug is out there, that sentence alone contains no meaning yet. But then we add the story. So if the sentence my son is using whatever drug contains no meaning yet, I want to show you two different ways. How one story creates one feeling and a different story creates a different feeling. The first thought in your story could be, my son is lost forever. I'm a terrible mom. Our family is broken. A more useful thought in your story could be, my son needs help. This is serious. I can respond wisely. Panic won't help him. Love and boundaries can exist together. Do you feel the difference? It's the same fat, but it's a different experience because you're able to show up in a different way. In a way where you can get answers and probably provide help more clearly. Second Nephi chapter 2, verse 25 says, Men are that they might have joy. Life was never promised to be problem free. Joy can exist even while facing these hard things. And then a reminder in John chapter 16, verse 33. In the world ye shall have tribulation, but be of good cheer. I have overcome the world. Christ never said or promised it would be pain free. He taught peace inside of pain. I want to talk about another example that some of us LDS moms have faced that can be hard. Let's look at the fact my daughter is pregnant. Remember that sentence alone is neutral. In truth, that fact brings a lot of joy to a lot of moms. But there is times when it doesn't. So what are some possible thoughts? Let me share a couple of examples again. Her life is ruined. Everyone at church will talk about us. I failed. This is humiliating. Those thoughts create shame and pain. But if you have thoughts that are healthier, like this is hard but not hopeless, she needs love right now. This does not define her future. We can walk through this one step at a time. You don't have to love the circumstance or what is going on, but you can love your daughter and you can respond in a healthier way that is less painful for you and your child. Let's look at another one. Your son says they're not going on a mission. Your thoughts could be, I failed as a mom. He's throwing away blessings. Everyone will know his life is off track. This is his priesthood responsibility. Now let's look at some healthier thoughts. Healthier in the way that it doesn't take you down and spinning in despair. I'm disappointed and I can process that. Agency is real. God loves him right now. His story is still unfolding. This is not the end. Let's do another one. This is so fun. Can you see and feel the difference of how we layer on the emotion by the way that we react? Here's the truth. We're humans. That of course means we are never gonna blow things up crazy in our minds. It will happen. But awareness is the key. Let's look at another one. My child is living with their girlfriend or their boyfriend. What does that mean? Does that mean they've moved out of your house and all of their belongings are there and they're sharing rent or a mortgage? Get really factual about that. Or they've said to you, I am moving in with my girlfriend, I am living with my boyfriend. Here's some thoughts that might send you spinning. They have rejected everything I've taught. They don't respect me. I must cut them off or approve of this. That black and white thinking will cause you pain. So let's look at some healthier thoughts. I can love them without endorsing choices. Relationships matter. Christ stayed connected to people in difficult circumstances. Love often opens doors that judgment slams shut. Are you seeing it? Are you seeing the difference between what happens versus what you're making it mean? Let's look at another one. My daughter said, I will no longer attend church. You could even throw her name in there and her age to make it very factual. Your thoughts could be something like, Satan took her, our eternal family is destroyed, God is punishing me. I failed. We've been told not to have an empty seat at the table. When you have thoughts like that, those feelings are so much heavier than if you have a healthier thought. Using your prefrontal cortex, like I'm grieving. This is not what I hoped for. Agency is sacred. I can love my child. God is still working. Earth life is not the whole story. In Alma 29:4, it says, The Lord doth grant unto all nations according to their desire, meaning agency matters deeply to God. Do you remember in Luke 15 the story of the prodigal son? The thing about scriptures that can be hard is we don't have all the background, but in that short story, it looks like the father stays open-hearted. He did not chase in panic or close the door in pride. He loved and he waited. And that matters. And that child came back. And that is beautiful. There are people that we know whose child it doesn't look like they come back. But we need to trust in God. The facts in our lives do create pain. But our thoughts create the suffering. I want to explain this carefully. Pain is real. Grief is real. Disappointment is real. And there is fear. But suffering often comes when we add, this shouldn't be happening. I can't handle this. It means I failed. It means the future is ruined. It means God has left us. Circumstances can hurt. Our thoughts can wound us twice. The first wound is what happened. The second wound is what we make it mean. Elder David A. Bednar said, one of the greatest indicators of our own spiritual maturity is revealed in how we respond to the weakness, the inexperience, and the potential offensive actions of others. So how we think and feel really matters. It matters for you and it matters for them. Elder Christopherson said the moral agency with which we have endorsed is essential to the purpose of life. A child's agency is part of mortality. It's part of God's plan. And then this beautiful reminder by Elder Quentin Alcook. We do not need to be paralyzed by the fear of the future. You don't need to live in fear. When you show up in strength, using that part of your brain that looks for answers and not wondering how to fix things, we find those answers. We find those steps. We are there for our child in a beautiful, healthy way. For this episode's year allowed reminder, you are allowed to be sad. You're allowed to cry in your room, to feel disappointed. You're allowed to need support. You are allowed to hate what's happening. And you're also allowed to stay whole, to be strong, to laugh, to trust in God. You're allowed to love your child without fixing them. You're allowed to stop making their choices mean something about your worth. You might need permission to stop carrying your adult child like they are your report card. They are not. They're on their journey and you are on yours. You're enough and you've done a great job, even if we've done it messy and badly, because we all do at certain times. So I want to ask you, what happened and what are you making it mean about you, about God, your motherhood, your future, your family, your worth? Because those are different things. And when you can separate them, peace starts to return. Not because that fact changed, but because you changed your relationship with it. If your child's choices are hurting your heart or keeping you up at night, coaching can really help you. Come back to yourself and still love them deeply. You do not have to do this alone. You don't have to lose yourself while loving someone else. What happens matters, but what you make it mean will change everything. Sometimes listening is enough. And sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. If this episode resonated with you, following or subscribing really helps this podcast reach other LDS members who need these conversations. You're also welcome to share or leave a comment, your voice matters here. You are not meant to carry this alone.