The Picture of Your Family Changed, Now What?

Episode 19: The Picture of Your Family Changed, Now What?

If you’re an LDS mom struggling because your child has stepped away from the Church, changed beliefs, or chosen a different path than the one you imagined this episode is for you.

Book a free coaching call with me here:
https://us06web.zoom.us/j/84270157732

You raised your children with faith.
Family Home Evening. Seminary. Prayer. Church every Sunday.

You thought you knew what your family story would look like.

Then one day the picture changed.

In this episode, we’re talking about the grief, fear, confusion, and self-blame many Christian and LDS mothers feel when life no longer matches the picture they carried in their heads.

We’ll talk about:

• Why “families are forever” can suddenly feel complicated
• What happens when your child leaves the Church or believes differently
• Why many moms quietly feel like they failed
• The pressure LDS women often carry around creating the “perfect eternal family”
• What it actually means to trust God when life feels uncertain
• How to stop seeing your family as broken
• Finding peace when your child’s choices are different than what you planned

This episode also explores how familiar gospel truths can become so common that we stop really seeing them until something painful moves the picture.

If you’ve ever thought:
“What did I do wrong?”
“How did we get here?”
“Why does this hurt so much?”
“Can I still trust God with my family?”

You are not alone.

This conversation will help you feel more grounded, more hopeful, and less afraid while navigating faith transitions, mixed-faith families, adult children leaving religion, and the emotional pain that comes with unmet expectations.

You’ll walk away with a new perspective on eternal families, trust in God, grief, agency, and what it means to love your family without panic.

You are allowed to stop measuring your family against a picture in your head.

The picture may have changed.
The promises haven’t.

If this episode helped you, please share it with another mom who needs it today.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

What if you believed your family was already perfect and you are already successful no matter what is going on? Right now you might feel like I did everything right. So why does it feel like everything is going wrong? What if the answer isn't you failed? What if it's you're being invited to see everything differently? This podcast is for LDS moms who love the church but feel heartache and shame when life does not turn out the way you imagined. The sadness doesn't only come from others' choices, but from the thoughts and the feelings you carry and what you make it mean about you. Here we talk openly about worth, faith, and finding peace when life looks different than you expected, and church doesn't feel as simple as it once did while staying anchored in God's love and remembering your divine worth. I'm Sherry Lee Kirchner, a certified life coach, and this is Open Conversations for LDS moms. This is episode 19. The picture of your family changed. Now what? Have you ever had a picture hanging on a wall in your home, say in the hallway, you walk by it all the time, and you stop seeing it? You walk past it, it's part of your home. Maybe you can't even tell me what it looks like. But what happens if you move that picture to a different place in your home? Suddenly, your brain sees it every time you walk past. So how does this relate to your family and the gospel? You raised your kids in the church, you did the things, family home evenings, scriptures, you drove them to seminary, all of it. It's that picture hanging on the wall that you don't even see anymore. You created a picture of what you thought life should look like. And now your reality does not match that picture you thought you were living in. The picture has moved in your home, and now you're seeing it every time you walk past. Maybe the things you've always known don't feel like they're helping you. This isn't because the gospel stopped working. It's because you've been looking at the same picture from the same place for years. And now your life has changed. But God hasn't moved. I think the things that we have known our entire lives are the things we're the most at risk of not seeing, like that picture that hasn't moved in years. So what do I mean by that? Sometimes the truths you've heard the most become the truths we stop really feeling. Not because they aren't true, not because they've lost power, but because we need to know it and not just say it. For example, the phrase, families are forever. I've been saying that since I was so little. Your kids and your grandkids have maybe said those same words. It's something we have said for so long that we don't always stop and think about the beautiful promise that it is, that relationships continue beyond death, that God's plan was never built around temporary love, that families matter so much to Him that He created a way for it to continue eternally. That is extraordinary. But when something becomes familiar, our brain stops noticing it in the same way. I've been spending some time recently reading some of my family history. On my mom's side of the family, I have family members going back generations that were members of the church. They weren't from Palmyra, but I do have family that did end up in Nauvoo and then a lot of family that came across the ocean from England and Wales and settled in those early years in Salt Lake. I have deep roots on that side of my family in the aspect of the gospel and knowing things. But on my dad's side of the family, my grandfather, who I knew, he only passed away about 10 years ago, did not have the same upbringing that I did. His father passed away when he was just a young adult before he was married. He passed away rather unexpectedly. And when he got to his father and stood over him after he had passed, he had a thought. I will see you again. I have no clue how, but he knew it in that moment. That is hard for me to comprehend, then not knowing that families are forever. Because I have been taught that from the time I was a little girl in primary. It's that familiar picture hanging in the hallway that I don't even see or notice the beauty of it. We say families are forever. We say it, and I think we believe it, but do we actually know it? Have you ever driven home on the same road after a long day at work and you get home and you haven't even noticed the beautiful mountains or the yards or the neighbors? It's just so familiar, you don't even see it. And then if you move or you take a different route, you're more aware. You're watching and you're looking and you're taking it in. I grew up in a small town in southern Alberta with a temple in my town, a town of 3,500 people. It's not big. It's a beautiful, majestic building. Now, when I drive to that town and I visit it, it is the first thing I see. What about trusting God, trusting in Him? I think that's also something else we say. We say it, but when life happens, do we really believe it? When your child tells you they don't believe anymore, or someone you love walks away from the life you pictured, prayers feel unanswered. The future feels uncertain. And suddenly we can question, do we trust Him? It becomes real. Now it asks something of us. Because trusting God when life matches the picture in your head feels very different from trusting Him when life goes a different direction. That's what I mean. Sometimes the truths we've known our whole lives become so familiar that we stop letting them reach us deeply. Not because they aren't powerful, but because they're so familiar. Like that picture hanging in your hallway that's been there for 10 years. You pass it every day. But if I asked you to describe it to me, you might need a minute to really think about it. Not because it doesn't matter, but because it's always just been there. When changes happen, which will always happen, we can be shaken more because it's a new reality. Elder D. Todd Christofferson taught, we ought not to think of God's plan as a cosmic vending machine where we select a desired blessing, insert the required sum of good works, and then the order is completely delivered. I think sometimes without realizing it, many of us start believing exactly that. If I do everything right, my family will turn out a certain way. My children will make certain choices. Life will feel more predictable. And then life happens, agency happens, pain happens, and suddenly we think, what did I do wrong? How do I fix this? Maybe this was never about creating a flawless picture. Maybe it was always about learning to trust God in the middle of a changing one. In Proverbs 3, 5 and 6, I bet most of you can quote that with me. Trust in the Lord with all thine heart, and lean not unto thine own understanding. In all thy ways acknowledge him, and he shall direct thy paths. Can you quote that scripture? It's one we've heard so much that is it really hitting your heart? Do you believe those words? It's hard when your understanding tells you things should look a different way than what it is right now. Romans 8 28 reminds us, all things work together for good to them that love God. That's not saying all things are good, but God wastes nothing. Not your grief, not your parenting, not your child's story, not your story, and not this season. There's a big difference between believing in eternal families and trusting God with your eternal family. One is a concept, the other requires surrender. When your child's life moves in a direction you never pictured, suddenly your beliefs stop being a picture you don't even notice hanging in the hallway. They become personal. What if your family isn't failing? So when your child's life doesn't look the way you thought it would, that picture has moved and you're seeing it all the time. Life not looking the way you thought it would. How did we get here? How do I fix this? I want to ask you the question that I posed at the beginning of this episode. What if your family was already perfect? You are already successful, no matter what is going on. If you look at your family as a success right now instead of a failure, how do you think you're going to show up differently in life? How do you show up at family gatherings, at work? I'm not talking about toxic positivity here. I'm talking about allowing grief when needed, acknowledging the messiness of being a human, and believing in God's plan. I know in my mind, I carried a very specific picture of what I thought eternity would look like, what it was supposed to look like, how we were supposed to get there, what kind of family I was building along the way. If you grew up going to primary and young women's and relief society, you were taught the way to create an eternal family. You do the right things, teach the gospel, stay faithful, raise your children in the church, get them to their activities, help them become an Eagle Scout, get them on missions, married in the temple, do all of those things. And if somewhere along the way things started going a different direction, we maybe started questioning: Am I doing things right? Did I do things right? Did I mess it all up? It's like that picture moves. Someone you love makes choices you don't expect. Life doesn't unfold the way you planned. And suddenly all you see are the places where reality doesn't match the picture in your head. So we start questioning ourselves. What did I do wrong? What do I need to fix? How did we get here? But maybe this was never about creating a perfect picture. What if it's about learning to trust God, even when the picture changes? You might have believed that if you did everything right, your family picture would look the way you pictured in your head. Elder Christofferson also said, God will indeed honor his covenants and promises to each of us. We need not worry about that. That means your peace does not depend on controlling outcomes. God has not let go of your child. He has not stepped away from your family, and he is not asking you to carry this alone. In next week's episode, we're going to talk about two important tools that help us manage those hard conversations with the people we love. How do we stay connected when someone tells us they no longer believe the same things we do when that picture gets moved? How do we create conversations that feel safe instead of hurtful? How do we love without fear? How do we trust God while we wait? Your picture is still beautiful. It is exactly as it should be. Not perfect, but beautiful. For this episode's your allowed reminder. You're allowed to stop measuring your family by the picture in your head. You're allowed to grieve what feels different. You're allowed to trust God even when you don't understand the timeline. You're allowed to believe your family is still deeply loved by God exactly as it is right now. And finally, you're allowed to know your family is perfect and successful. If you have a picture in your hallway that you're not noticing, take a minute and think about what do you know? And what do you believe? What do you know about families are forever? And what do you believe about the statement? Trust in Him. And if that picture has moved and you are becoming very aware of things changing and not being the way you pictured they would be, offer yourself some grace and love. Be sad when you need to be sad. Love when you need to love. Hand that over to our Savior who came to this earth to love you, to rescue you, and your family, no matter how messy or imperfect that picture is. And also remember, your family is perfect as they are right now. I cannot wait to talk to you next week and teach you the two things you need to do to keep that connection with your loved one, whether it's your child, a brother, a sister, parents, your spouse, and that connection with you. The way to build beautiful relationships, no matter what that family picture looks like. I want to invite you to a free call with me, one-on-one, where we can talk about what's going on with you. You will feel peace and lighter after just 25 minutes. You will be sent directly to my calendar and you can schedule a one-on-one call with me. You don't have to do this alone. Sometimes listening is enough. And sometimes it helps to know you're not alone. If this episode resonated with you, following or subscribing really helps this podcast reach other LES members who need these conversations. Leave a comment if your voice makes you meant to hear this video.