Why you need to stop comparing and start living

Comparison has never made anyone feel more peaceful.

In this first episode of my Summer of Letting Go series, I'm sharing a story about a tiny hummingbird nest and the surprising lesson it taught me about comparison, motherhood, and staying focused on what God has asked us to do.

You'll learn practical coaching tools to help you stop feeling behind, stop measuring your family against others, and find more peace in your own story.

Book a free coaching call:
https://calendly.com/sherylee-kartchner/25min

Transcript

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Have you ever noticed that comparison never helps? Not once have I compared my life, my family, or my parenting to someone else and walked away feeling better about myself. I've always walked away feeling like I was behind, like I had failed, I was confused, and I was discouraged. Like I should be doing more. And that's exactly why we're starting the summer of letting go series with one thing that quietly steals so much joy. Comparison. What if comparison isn't helping you become a better mom? What if it's actually distracting you from the work God is asking you to do? Welcome to Open Conversations for LDS Moms. If you're an LDS mom who loves the church, but life or church doesn't feel as simple as it once did, you're in the right place. Here we talk openly about faith, motherhood, heartache, and finding peace when life looks different than you imagine. The pain we carry doesn't come from life itself, but from the thoughts and meaning we attach to it. I'm Sherry Lee, certified life coach and a mom. I am so glad we get to have these conversations together. This is episode 26. Why you need to stop comparing and start living. Episode 1 in the summer series, The Summer of Letting Go. For the many moms that I work with, comparison shows up after a child makes choices they never expected. They compare their family to families at church. They compare themselves to other moms. They compare where they are now to where they thought they would be. And every comparison seems to end with the same question. What did I do wrong? A few years ago, probably two or three, a hummingbird built a nest on the light outside of our front door. It was a hanging light in our covered front patio. It was so tiny. I didn't even know what it was to begin with. I saw a little round mud ball, and I thought possibly a hornet's nest. So I said to my husband, hey, you gotta go deal with that. His office window used to look out to that front porch, and he said, You know, that might be a hummingbird nest. I saw a hummingbird in and out of there all day. So I grabbed a ladder out of the garage and climbed up, and sure enough, it was a nest. And there were two teeny tiny eggs in there, about the size of a jelly belly, smaller than the big jelly beans. I was amazed at how perfect that nest was that was built by that hummingbird for her two eggs. Here's what I want to point out. That nest was tiny compared to every other bird's nest I had ever seen. We look at what we have and immediately notice what someone else has that we don't. But here's the thing about nature, they don't do the same thing. That hummingbird built exactly what she needed for her two eggs. What else fascinated me by this hummingbird? I live in an area where we do see a fair few hummingbirds. I had never seen one build a nest or seen their nest. They're so tiny, they would be hard to find in trees. But hummingbirds are constantly moving. They dart. Do you ever see them sitting on a bush or on a tree branch? They're fluttering and they're getting what they need from flowers. But when it came time to care for those babies, she was still. She wasn't buzzing around checking out other nests, wondering what was wrong with hers, or wondering what she should be doing differently. She wasn't measuring herself against other birds. She stayed focused on what was right for her in that moment. Do you know what happens when our brains start comparing? We compare our worst to someone else's best. We start paying attention to things that didn't used to bother us. If you're spotlighting another family's story, you'll lose sight of your own and you stop seeing the beauty that is around you. If you're spotlighting your child's choices, you'll stop seeing their growth. If you start focusing on what you think should be happening, you'll miss what is happening. Where is your attention now? And is it really helping? I was very intrigued by those hummingbirds. If you want to watch this video instead of just listen to it, go to my YouTube channel, Open Conversations for LDS moms, and I will put on there pictures that I took throughout this process. Loved watching this hummingbird. And when she would leave the nest, usually every day I would get out a ladder and I would check to see. Eventually those eggs hatched, and they were the tiniest little birds at the bottom of this nest. I even stood outside by the front door behind a pillar with my phone. I waited while she was gone and stood very still, knowing she'd come back pretty quickly. And I got a video of her coming back in to take care of those babies. That mama bird focused on her tiny nest. That was not much bigger than a quarter, like a quarter around. It was so tiny. She stayed focused on what was hers. If you notice comparisons showing up, you can start asking some questions. What am I making this mean? Is this actually true? What do I want to focus on instead? If you see a friend's daughter who is active in the church and yours isn't, what are you making that mean? Are you making that mean that you failed? You could also ask the question, is that true? No, it's not true that you failed. Your daughter is using her gift of agency. And what do you want to focus on instead? Do you want to focus on the choices your daughter's making that you aren't loving? Or do you want to focus on your relationship with your child? There was something else I learned about that hummingbird and her babies in the nest. It did not take very long for those two babies that were at the bottom of the nest, you couldn't even see them peeking out, before you started seeing their little beaks come out and then their little heads. And then there were two babies. I don't know how they stayed there, but they were in that nest barely fitting. The nest was built to do a job, and eventually that nest became too small, and those babies had to leave. They were still smaller than that mama hummingbird, but they had, I don't know how many times, grown in size, from being teeny tiny, two of them at the bottom of the nest, to two bigger birds who couldn't fit. They were just resting on the top of the nest. But here's the thing I want you to realize: the nest did not fail. It did its job. It was successful. It did what it needed to do. Some of us might be looking at our adult children and wondering if we failed because they aren't where we thought they would be. Growth is movement, making choices. We make many choices every day, and so do your children. And growth looks like figuring things out for yourselves. So the birds leaving that nest doesn't mean that nest was not good. It means it did its job. So if comparisons start showing up, the first thing I want you to do is just be aware that it's not doing you or the ones you love any good. You can also write down three things that you've done well as a mom. Three ways that you've showed up with love recently. And look for evidence that God is still working in your family. Because if you go looking for those things as opposed to looking for all the ways that you failed or you're not measuring up, you will find what you're looking for. I watched those baby hummingbirds fly away and leave the nest. It just happened, I was looking out the window and I saw it happen. That mama hummingbird knew what she needed to do. She wasn't out there comparing herself to a bigger, grander bird. She built the nest the size that she needed and she stayed with that nest until it had served its purpose. So this summer, for the next four podcast episodes, we are talking about letting go. Letting go of things that are keeping you stuck. We started with comparison. Peace doesn't come from looking at what everybody else is doing. It does the exact opposite. Our peace comes when we are looking at the life God has given us and our family. I want to teach you something really quickly as we wrap up. I want you to think of or picture three lanes on a road going the same direction. On the left is God's lane. On the far right is other people's lane, and your lane is in the middle. And we get into trouble when we drift into other people's business or their lane, or we drift into God's business and God's lane. When we start doing God's job, we get into trouble. And here's the truth: we're really bad at doing God's job. He is perfect at it. And when we get into comparison and get into other people's lanes, that gets us into trouble as well. Because we are human, yes, we are going to drift in other people's lanes. But if you start feeling fear or anxious about things, there's a good chance you're in someone's lane. You're comparing. Or if you're trying to manage agency, that was a gift from God. You're in his business. That is something he will never take away from you or your child. So for this summer series, I want you to think about letting go of comparison. It never does anybody any good. When you're in your lane, you're focused on your work and your assignment, no matter how big of a nest it is you've been asked to build. So at the end of this episode, what is one comparison you're ready to let go of this summer? Just one. Let it go. And if it creeps up or pops into your mind, just tell yourself, letting that go. This is the summer of letting go. I am letting go of comparison. And next week, we'll continue our summer of letting go with another thing that's quietly stealing your peace, your hope, your joy, and the love you have for your children. Sometimes listening is enough, and sometimes you're ready for more support. I want to invite you to a free connection and peace call with me. In our 25 minutes together, we'll talk about where you are, what feels hard right now. You will leave with more hope, connection, and peace. You can find the link to schedule your free hope below. And if these conversations matter to you, following, subscribing, and sharing the podcast helps more LDS memes find support. Feel seen and know that they are not alone. Your story is not over. God is still working in ways you may not be able to see.