Did You Hear Me? Experiencing the Gray Ceiling - Episode 2

Join us as we discuss the invisible but suddenly obvious bias toward an older generation and what to do about it. We call it "the gray ceiling" and it's real, but you can work around it and often enjoy it. It just takes creativity, initiative, and wisdom - all the qualities that come from the advantage of celebrating over 60 birthdays! ... And they would love an email about their show at thriversarekind@gmail.com

Transcript

Bee 0:02

Podcast, Thrive at 65. I'm Beatrix Kind. Yes, yes, my nickname is B. Yes, my parents did have a mission, but it's a good one. Be kind.

Paige 0:15

Yes, and I'm Paige. Paige Turner, encouraging everyone to embrace the next page in the new chapters of life.

Bee 0:23

Paige and I have been friends since second grade and have tripped past the age of 60, wanting to share thoughts, laughter, possible challenges, and solutions as we dance into the later decades.

Paige 0:36

And we are determined to continue to enjoy life. If we have to make a few changes along the way, well, we can do that better together. We're glad you're listening today, and we look forward to fun and good discussions.

Bee 0:48

So let's get started. Today's episode is titled, Did You Hear Me? Experiencing the Gray Ceiling. And I really think this is an interesting one that applies to all of us. We'll discuss the invisible, but at many times a bias against the older generation and what to do about it and how to laugh about it, of course. We older women are way too familiar with the glass ceiling. All of our lives there were roadblocks and attitudes about women, not only in the workplace, but in the general perception of worth, opportunities, and what we should be doing. But we did not let it stop us. We did our best work to work around those biases.

Paige 1:32

Yes, but you know, lately and ever so quietly, we began to notice a different bias. We call it the gray ceiling. You might notice an increase in kind and differential treatment, and that certainly isn't a bad thing. For example, have you begun to accept that yes, ma'am, and yes, sir, from the people in their 40s? Because after all, we are old enough to be their parents.

Bee 1:54

As unbelievable as that may seem to us, we don't feel old enough to have children that age.

Paige 2:00

No, but the kindness and respect sometimes comes with an underlying surprise. Dismissal. There's that subtle difference when speaking, maybe up in a in a group meeting. Have you noticed? Everyone gives you a respectful but very brief focus, and then everyone moves on.

Bee 2:18

Or worse, someone says the same thing you just said moments earlier, and there's a chorus of good point. Wow, great idea. Now, of course, women have experienced this for years, but truly, when we're faced with this again after working hard and earning that place at the table, I could say it's a bit discouraging.

Paige 2:41

Now, some of that gray sealing does bring benefits. When I start placing my carry-on in the airplane bin, there's many offers of here, let me help you with that. Now, passengers are either being extremely helpful to the old lady, or they are deathly afraid I'll drop it on their head. But I'm still very grateful.

Bee 3:00

That is so true. True. And if we have a senior moment or make a comment with reference to something from an earlier era when the group hadn't been born yet, the incident is at least politely overlooked or perhaps not even understood. You know, it's interesting. Times change constantly. It's gone from, where were you when President Kennedy was shot? Now that's been replaced with, where were you when Lady Diana died? And that's now being replaced by, where were you during COVID?

Paige 3:32

Yes, each generation has their benchmarks. A friend of mine who's in his 80s was still working and going strong, and I saw him in the parking lot. It was raining, so I asked him, Where's your umbrella? He said, Oh, I'm sanphorized. I won't shrink. Now that's almost before my time, but if you know, you know, sanphoraized is the process applied to clothing to keep material from shrinking, and it was popular in the 1940s and 1950s.

Bee 4:00

Which is funny because I have to admit, I had never heard the term sanphorized before, but now I know. And actually, I love learning new things.

Paige 4:09

Yes. Sometimes I feel like though I'm I'm living in that movie sequence where where you see the person walking toward a misty horizon never to be seen again while the rest of the world carries on. But remember, there's often a sequel. So how do we find that opening in the gray ceiling? How do how do we accept the stage without frustration and without getting stuck?

Bee 4:33

In some ways we can. We can cover the grays or not. That's a great trend, and some women really rock that look. I unfortunately do not. We can wear the latest styles or leave work saying, hey, gotta go to the gym, or leaving to play tennis. I am a tennis player, but I just want to make sure they know I'm in the active category. Don't put me in whatever category you have in your head. That's right.

Paige 5:01

Or another one. Can't wait to see the Taylor Swift concert tonight. Just don't tell them you're taking your grandchild. I love that one. Well, we just have to learn how to ignore the eye rolls or maybe those little escance looks from our adult children when we offer what we think is very sage advice.

Bee 5:19

It does seem like the eye rolling never stops. Starts when they're teenagers. You know, you get a little, maybe, little space where no eye rolling, and now we're back to it.

Paige 5:30

Have you seen those recent commercials? Uh it's for an insurance company. The campaign is called Becoming Your Parents. I love those commercials. They are hilarious. You know, I think they're funny because it's pointing out the truth. I do engage with people around me in a store. I do ask somewhat personal questions when I meet strangers, and then we often have this great conversation. And I definitely want to be helpful, and I use quotes in any situation. And you know, that just comes with our age and our stage. We just don't worry about what people think as much. And we recognize the importance of connection and that people are generally a lot alike.

Bee 6:11

I think we just have to keep our sense of humor. I do love watching my children roll their eyes to go back to that when I repeat a server's name after they say it. I tell them that I was a server when I was young, and I loved people saying my name. My children think it's embarrassing, but now they are used to it and it's actually become a family joke.

Paige 6:32

My friends and I were at a concert and someone asked us to take a photo of them. There were three of us, and each one of us offered a photo tip. By the end, the subject's smiles were just a bit frozen as we made the photo into quite the production, just like the commercial.

Bee 6:47

Oh true. And now we know there are many benefits to being in your 60s and older. Those of us who've lived through a few decades really have an enviable position, or at least we think so. It comes from experience that we embrace, both good and bad, combined with a tempering of that old crazy driving ambition we felt in our 20s. Remember that? Now our definition of getting ahead is much different because we're older. And let's face it, we don't want to compete with the younger generation. We want to enjoy them and also enjoy our own pursuits. And now we have the time to do that.

Paige 7:25

You're right, and competition with the younger generation is just not necessary. I appreciate what each generation has to offer. And anyway, it would be tough. I mean, I like to live dangerously, so I don't update my computer for at least six months, and compare me to those digital natives who update their phone nightly. So getting the world to see past our birthdays can be done. We get to define old.

Bee 7:50

We are older, not old. You know, I think sometimes we have to retrain ourselves to not think we're old. I have a friend who kept saying to me, When you're old like me, oh well, when you're old like me, I'm not kidding, he said it all the time. Now, I really did not think he looked that old, so I finally asked how old he was. Well, he was my age. But in his head, he was old. He actually had an aha moment when he realized we are the same age. I feel young, he feels old. It's a way of thinking. Since then, he started joining more groups, he's playing pickleball, he thanked me for pointing out that he was just in the wrong mindset. He was too busy listening to the media referring to people as elderly when they're over 60. As we've said before, don't let that old person in.

Paige 8:42

By the way, for a good perspective and maybe some justification, I'd recommend you watch the movie The Intern. It will restore your positive thinking about multi-generational value. We he didn't really worry about what age he was, and the others began to see him as a unique person, not just a category.

Bee 9:02

So true. I love that movie. And what's funny is I actually watched it recently. I couldn't believe how well done it was, and it's still relevant today. So I highly recommend it. And once you see that movie, you do see also when you look at their benefits of being older. The gray ceiling is annoying, but it's not completely closed or set in stone. He changed their minds. We can change everybody we meet their minds as to what older is. We've learned every day is valuable and we want to make the most of them. You know, I had a friend who told me about QTR, quality time remaining. I thought that was a great point. We have no idea how much time anyone has left in life, but isn't it smart to make that time quality time? So let's say you're trying to decide on whether you should do something or not. Think QTR. If you want to meet people and you feel that would improve your QTR, and there's ways to work on that.

Paige 10:01

Absolutely, QTR. That is fantastic. So what is important now? We believe some of the answers lie in personal acceptance, knowing your goals. Studies overwhelmingly show that good relationships and having purpose are big factors in emotional and as a result, physical health. Of course, diet and exercise are key, and we'll talk about those in other episodes. But when facing the obvious bias against the people on Social Security, what can we do now? We believe we can focus on connection and contribution, relationships, making a difference, having a purpose, thinking of others. These are some life-changing goals that are of immense importance at any age, but especially now.

Bee 10:48

Definitely very important. And we've always known this, but age can sometimes place some new, unexpected obstacles in our way. And without realizing it, we've slowly stopped pursuing things that we enjoy or even have forgotten about them. Oftentimes, this is brought about by a change in circumstance, such as retirement, moving locations to be closer to family, or a new physical challenge that has made your focus turn inward. And that will happen for sure. But we encourage you and ourselves, because we ourselves fall for this, to take inventory. What fills your days? Do you feel purpose? What can you change to add connection and contribute to your schedule? There are ways to get back on track, but I will say this can be overwhelming. So it really is important not to get overwhelmed and start with something small, a step at a time.

Paige 11:49

Absolutely. You know, it's also helpful to recognize that what we think the gray ceiling is preventing us from accomplishing may not be what we want at all. It's it's there, but it's often not applicable. Ask yourself, or better yet, a good friend, am I clinging to some old habits, perspectives, maybe expectations, or or routines that were helpful in a different stage in life? Ask yourself what, or more important, who needs changing. For some of you, growing older has been a breeze. You hardly notice the speed bumps. Good for you. You may need to be our next guest on the podcast.

Bee 12:28

Definitely need to be our next guest. But for others, like me, when career or raising a family is no longer first priority, honestly, there is a seismic shift. The landscape has changed, and we're trying to figure out how to adapt. We need to admit to the change and give ourselves some permission and time to learn how to move forward in a different way.

Paige 12:53

Yes, and it's it's also good to recognize there is grieving involved. It's real. When you leave a career you've loved, a community with lifelong friends, or maybe where you raised your children or activities that were a rich part of your life, it's okay to grieve. Just don't get stuck. There is a lot more to life to live, but we may have to navigate it in new ways. For example, it it might be getting that hip or knee replacement. No fine, but there is great reward when you get back on the tennis court or take a hike with friends.

Bee 13:28

Yeah, I think Paige came up with that because I had a hip replacement and I did finally get back on the tennis courts. But it takes time. So it's important to think one step at a time. For example, if night driving is a challenge, you might need to think, change your mind a little and attend a play or concert that's a matinee. Now that has benefits. A, the tickets are often cheaper, and you get home earlier or have time to go out to dinner afterwards. You know, I heard someone joke recently that they refuse to use the light on their camera, on their phone, to read menus because it made them look old. They just point to an item to order and hope it's good. Now, if you need a light on your phone to read a menu, you are not alone. Now, yeah, yeah, I think there should be a low light on the camera to make it not quite so obvious that we need it, but in reality, no one is looking or judging anyway. And plus everyone understands it's hard for many to see in low light.

Paige 14:32

That is a great point. We are not alone. You can feel isolated sometimes, and for sure, but our generation is still actively one of the largest populations. Somehow we were surprised with the changes in our 60s. We do admit we were a bit smug in our late 50s, thinking, old age, we've got this. But when the mid-60s hit, wow, did they hit? They sure did hit. And you know, for some of us, this stage finds us juggling our parents' care along with our own doctor appointments and adding in maybe some babysitting with the grandkids. It's a lot.

Bee 15:11

So a takeaway is if you are facing changes, apprehensive about the unknown, it's a good idea to talk to your friends, get informed so you know what choices you have. Discuss that nagging question about aches or pains with your healthcare provider. You know, information can help. And don't try to battle things by yourself. We are here to be another community for you. Yes, we agree. This stage can feel a bit like a free fall. You may feel as if you're on a road with no road signs except the one that says out to pasture. Well, we know, no way. Don't accept the messages from TV as if 65 you suddenly stop everything except discussing problems or taking medications with lots of side effects. Choreographing happy dance numbers about A1C.

Paige 16:06

Yes. So let's get practical. Are you feeling a little overlooked? Well, maybe you don't have to be the head of committee this time. Maybe you give others the chance to take the lead and you learn some new ways to serve. It's much less stressful. You feeling a bit dull or disconnected? Here's a challenge. Add one new activity to your week. Meet someone for coffee, learn something new by attending a talk, a class, listening to a podcast. Call a friend you haven't seen in a while. Explore the many free activities in your community and choose one to attend or join. It does take work and an investment of time. But soon you'll be amazed at the change.

Bee 16:48

That is true. And sometimes you just have to push yourself. But really, think about the good sides. Restaurants love us. We're in by 5:30, and they can reseat the table at 7 p.m. So invite someone to dinner and check out the discounts of the early bird special, or which nowadays I like even better, they call the happy hour special. And interestingly, there have been many articles that young people are also preferring the early meals, and the restaurants are seeing more business before 8 p.m. than after. Therefore, you can consider us trendsetters. And another good source of activities, a local community rec center has a large catalog of senior activities with field trips, movies, and exercise classes. And the senior membership price is usually very low. And you got to pick one that works for you. If you go to one and you don't feel a fit and you just think, okay, this isn't for me, you know, it could be that that one just isn't a fit for you. My friend went to one and did not like it at all. But she was determined. So she went on to a different senior center, which was completely different. It was full of activities, people were very welcoming. She loved it. She's loving it and has been very active in it ever since. That's a great tip. There are also charities, bridge clubs, book clubs, excursions for seniors on all sorts of topics. And we really are not suggesting you stay only with seniors. Multi-generational opportunities are great and needed, but sometimes enjoying the company of those who understand the Andy Griffith reference can be nice. And I do love going out with my younger friends too, because actually they keep me up to date as to what's trending. And I love hearing what they're interested in as well. It helps keep me young. And maybe your friends, you have friends that can't get out as easily, or maybe that's you. You can visit a friend or invite someone to join you for a visit. We all love connection. This is a time when life can begin to feel narrow for sure. But it's not, it's just different. It's time to focus on what's really important. It's important to find your QTR and what you like to do. It is important. And it's also important for you or for me to reach out. Don't wait for someone to reach out to you. Don't keep track of whose turn it is to call or text. And I know sometimes we're shy about it. But this is the time in life for you to take action for what you want, and you'll find others will be eager to join you.

Paige 19:34

Okay, we are nearing the end of today's episode, but we would love you to reach out to us and let us know what you like, what you don't like, and suggestions for future episodes. We consider you, our listeners, to be thrivers because we are going to thrive past 65. So email us at our email address, which is also our mantra, thriversarekind @ gmail.com. Thrivers are kind is all one word with no spaces. You don't have to worry about capitals. And as always, I'm going to end the conversation with two questions. Question one, how will you be kind today? So today I've done I'm going to buy a cup of coffee for the person behind me in line. Oh, that's great.

Bee 20:24

I'll get behind you in line. Hey yeah, now don't charge too much. And question two, what is your page turner tip? I'm going to invite a friend and we're going to visit the local library to learn about the activities they offer. They have lots of speakers and clubs and maybe some mahjong. See what they have and get some some activities into our life. I love that.

Paige 20:47

So remember, keep thriving. Talk to you next time. We did pretty good.