Connections Count! How to Make New Friends and Keep the Old - Episode 4

Join Bee, Paige, and their guest Joy Reed, as they learn the importance of cultivating connections. We all know the value of a vibrant community of friends, but in our later decades, making new friends and deepening old friendships can be challenging. We’ll discuss connections and friendships from a variety of perspectives such as how to make new friends, how to cultivate existing or perhaps, former friendships, and how to expand your social circles.  Joy will offer practical tips you can apply to any occasion. 

Transcript

Bee 0:02

Welcome to episode four of the Thrive at 65 podcast. I am Beatrix Kind. Yep, my nickname is B. Yes, my parents did have a mission, but it's a good one. Be kind. Up front, we want to really thank you for listening to us, and we plan to make it worth your while.

Paige 0:22

And I'm Paige, Paige Turner, encouraging everyone to embrace the next page of the new chapters in life. Thank you all, all of our friends, new and old, who are kind enough to follow our podcast.

Bee 0:35

Now, as you may remember, Paige and I have been friends since second grade, and we've skipped past the age of 60, and we want to share thoughts, laughter, possible challenges and solutions as we dance into the later decades.

Paige 0:51

And we're determined to continue to enjoy life. If we have to make a few changes along the way, well, we can do that better together.

Bee 0:59

We are so glad you're listening today, and we want to get started on our topic. Connections count. How to make new friends and keep the old. Remember the song?

Paige 1:11

That's right. So whether you're newly retired, widowed or divorced, moving to a new job or a new city, maintaining relationships as well as making new connections is vitally important. Your contacts are your lifeline to meaningful volunteer work, rewarding friendship, and interesting hobbies.

Bee 1:30

The older we get, the more people we know, but also the more people with whom we lose touch. Over the years, many of us have changed jobs, cities, churches, synagogues, and sometimes spouses. Our roles have changed too, maybe from a mom with school-aged children to an empty nester, or the rainmaker at a firm, which you feel very important to a retiree, or maybe even from a champion tennis player to the senior circuit. By the way, that champion is not me.

Paige 2:06

You know, in those institutional communities, such as the university or the workplace, the PTA or place of worship, they offered a built-in community in the past, but they're not necessarily available anymore. In short, you may have to build your own community again.

Bee 2:24

Now we need to understand the benefits of strong connections so that we will be more motivated to pursue them. Today we are so thrilled to introduce our guest speaker, Joy Reed, who is experienced in teaching ways to make new connections. She is a certified Dale Carnegie instructor, and she has used all of her techniques personally since she's moved to new communities several times in her life and had to push herself to get out there and establish connections and build those new friendships.

Paige 2:57

Welcome, Joy, to the Thrive at 65 podcast. Let's jump straight into this because several of our listeners have told us that they're very interested in this specific subject. So, what are the benefits of having a vibrant community and strong connections? And how do you add those to your life in an authentic way?

Joy 3:16

I'm so glad to be here today. Thank you for having me. This is a topic I'm passionate about because although it takes work, I personally found treasured friendships and valuable connections by using many of these tips, and I want to share them with others. So here's an easy question. How many of you found your hairstylist, dentist, or job through word of mouth? I definitely have.

Paige 3:39

Oh, I have as well. In fact, Joy, you referred me to a great house painting company, and I've referred them to others.

Joy 3:46

I'm glad they worked out so well. So we know our community is a vital source of information. Despite Google, Yelp, or LinkedIn, you're probably going to call a member of your community first for information and resources. Personal referrals and reviews are the top trusted sources.

Bee 4:04

Just recently, I texted my friend because I knew she had been talking about how much she loved her doctor. Now I had been looking for a good doctor, and she gave me the name, and I have an appointment in the near future, and I'm very grateful for that connection.

Joy 4:20

Yes, through networking, an older term, but still effective, you not only get information, but you also meet interesting people, something that enriches your life in many ways. A few years ago, I was a guest at a Federal Reserve dinner. Let's be clear, not my usual habitat. At a table of complete strangers, I was seated next to a woman named Kathy, the CFO of a large company. This was her natural habitat. I mentioned to her that I was a reader, and we proceeded to spend the entire meal discussing books. I followed up, and today Kathy is one of my closest friends who is not only interesting, but has introduced me to all sorts of interesting ideas and travel destinations.

Paige 5:01

Oh, that's a great story. And your friendship that grew from a chance meeting, it reminds me that my community is also a source of wonderful support.

Joy 5:10

Yes, when I moved back to my hometown after 20 years in New York, my friends and networks were pretty weak. So I put together a dinner group of my college friends that meets periodically throughout the year. Now, these women had many years of building their own lives with kids and husbands and elderly parents without me. I had to make an effort to reach out and make this happen. And I had to make a concentrated effort to catch up on their lives, since I was away for so long, their jobs, activities, and families, because that was meaningful to them and therefore meaningful to me. Although I've joined and created other groups since then, this group was my first and still my foundational support group.

Bee 5:49

So true. I do not live where I grew up, so when I first moved here, I met people through my work group and later through the schools my children attended. Both my work and school friends are still a strong part of my community, even though I'm retired and my children are way over the school age. However, if I moved now, those would not be two groups that I necessarily would have access to. So all of your hints are very helpful to me, Joy.

Joy 6:20

Your community can also help you create new habits and support you in achieving your goals. Do you want to lose weight, exercise more, write a novel? Creating a new habit is hard, but a community makes it easier. This is the premise behind Weight Watchers, walking clubs, and writers' retreats.

Bee 6:38

You know, I joined a Pilates gym, but I really had to force myself to go. At the first class, I talked to some nice women, so I kept going to that specific class because I knew they would be there. By the third class, I felt I knew these women much better, and they were very encouraging. So it's become a good habit that I would easily have quit if it hadn't been for those women.

Joy 7:03

And remember, healthy relationships can also lead to better physical health. Loneliness is an epic problem in this country, and studies confirm lonely people have worse health outcomes. Studies such as the Harvard Study of Adult Development, one of the longest-running studies on happiness, reveal that strong, warm relationships are the most crucial factor for long-term health.

Paige 7:27

Boy, we have certainly covered a lot of benefits of strong connections. Are there more to add? But of course.

Joy 7:34

A good community increases a sense of belonging, reduces stress, boosts happiness and fun, helps as a springboard to new ventures or challenges, can encourage spiritual growth, increase self-confidence, and help you learn new skills.

Paige 7:49

Oh, new skills. You know, that reminds me of a friend who has taken up painting in her later years. She enjoys it so much, and she's really quite talented. She then asked her friends to provide a photo of a meaningful scene, and she created this beautiful painting of it and gave them the painting. I was so impressed that she took this newfound hobby and turned it into a way of connection and giving to others.

Bee 8:14

And you know, another great thing about that friend is when I asked her if she wants to go do something that I thought up, she almost always says yes. I know if I call her that my odds are really good that she will want to go. You know, we can all be the yes person for someone else.

Joy 8:32

There's some interesting statistics regarding how much time we actually spend connecting with other people in this country, and it comes from a decade-old New York Times article entitled Happiness is Other People. Now, some of these stats may be dated. For example, texting was not as ubiquitous when the original study was conducted, but the core premise that we spend little to no time actually communicating with each other is undoubtedly the same. Per the article in the category of socializing and communicating, which includes such things as talking to your spouse, wine with a friend, any socializing or communicating at all between two adults face to face, where this is the main activity rather than an incidental part of something else like working. The average American spends a half an hour per day on social communication. That is unbelievable. So where are we spending our time? According to the article, the average American spends three hours a day watching TV. And you'll love this one. The average American woman spends one hour a day grooming.

Paige 9:40

Hmm. So because we're watching TV for three hours a day and we're washing our hair, we're telling ourselves we don't have time to reach out. Well, if we all recognize the benefits of a vibrant community and strong connections or good network, why aren't we making it happen?

Joy 9:56

Because it's hard. We know building a community is important, but we also know there are challenges and roadblocks. It is hard. So how do you make yourself get out there? How do we get motivated? Well, I can understand how hard this is because I'm an introvert and lazy. If I had my druthers, I would sit at home all day and read murder mysteries. But since I know that isn't healthy, I motivate myself as follows. First, remind yourself if you don't build your community now, you won't have it when you need it. For example, when you're looking for a new job, a doctor, I need a volunteer to help you on a committee, or just want to meet someone for coffee.

Bee 10:34

I can attest that this is important. I have a friend who was in a new town and he got hurt. He didn't know anyone, so it became difficult getting to doctors' appointments, etc. You know, he later said that he learned quickly that it was up to him to get out there and make friends.

Joy 10:51

Another way to get motivated is to focus on past successes. You've got this. And also, it's always positive to give before getting. Rather than concentrating on what you're going to get out of this event or relationship, you know, you need to ask, what can you give? As an example, I joined a professional women's group a few years ago to help build my business. The first few meetings were just awful. 200 plus women, and I didn't know a soul. I heard they needed some help on the Speaker's Committee, which is the most thankless of jobs. But I thought, well, I can probably help with that. Serving on that committee turned my experience in the organization around. I made many friends, some of whom I still see today.

Paige 11:33

And by the way, this does tie in with episode three that discusses helping others is a win-win situation. Joy, what else helps us get motivated?

Joy 11:45

Well, you can reframe your objective for attending the meeting or event. For example, instead of focusing on making new contacts when attending an event such as a book signing, fundraising event, or even the HOA annual meeting, concentrate on the learning opportunity. You'll be less nervous, and making a new acquaintance becomes just a bonus. Finally, I've learned that making connections is easier with practice. The more you do it, the better you get.

Bee 12:12

You know, Joy, those ideas are really interesting and give me a lot to think about. So another question is who could we add to our community or social circle?

Joy 12:21

Well, Jim Rome, a well-known author and motivational speaker, says, you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with. Think about that. So what qualities do you two think the members of your community should possess? Hmm. How about positive energy?

Paige 12:38

Oh, yes, and active and involved in a variety of interests. I also love helpful and a sense of humor. Supportive and caring. Oh, you know, listening to these qualities. I certainly want to make friends with this person.

Joy 12:52

Me too. Excellent. Yes, those are all good things you want in your community. And you should also take an inventory of your own qualities and see if there's some you'd like to develop more fully in your own life. That's a great point. Let's take a minute to think about your current network. Do they have the qualities you just mentioned? Author and business management consultant Jim Collins talks about getting the right people on your bus. Do you need to drop some of your passengers off at the next stop? Are there people you've outgrown? Any who are not supportive or perhaps bring too much drama? There unfortunately can be toxic friends or frenemies. If you've tried to improve the situation and it's going nowhere, it may be your relationship to place on hold for a while. Intentionally pruning your acquaintances is just like pruning the boxwoods. It allows for healthier growth. Another area to review do most of your network or contacts come from one place, such as your church, your job, your family, the other parents in your kids' school? Where are the gaps? Are you in a rut? Are you coasting?

Bee 13:57

Boy, it is easy to coast and be with people who are just like us, but I guess that's not how we grow. I do need to push myself to expand into some new groups, but not lose my old friends.

Paige 14:10

Yes, this is really helpful. Just to review, we talked about the benefits of a vibrant community and the challenges of creating a strong network, the qualities to look for in a friend or acquaintance, and certainly ourselves, and the importance of expanding our community. So, how do we actually accomplish this?

Joy 14:30

Well, now it's time for boots on the ground tactics because it's all just talk until we get out there and do it. First, make it a goal, whether it's to meet more people who share your interest in archery or line dancing, or who can help you write and publish a book or find meaningful volunteer work. Meeting the right people doesn't just happen serendipitously. Make a goal and write it down.

Paige 14:53

Oh, yes. Our listeners know we are big proponents in writing down goals, preferably with pen and paper, because it's better for the brain.

Joy 15:01

I've been doing this for years. I started when I first moved back to my hometown, but still do it. I keep a schedule of all my social communication, such as coffee dates, lunches, meetings, all face to face. And this written record allows to see if I've missed some people. It's also a good idea to connect with two to three people, new people or old friends with whom you've lost touch, face to face every week. Reaching out on social media, such as Instagram, TikTok, or Facebook doesn't count.

Bee 15:32

You know, it is sometimes easier to meet new people or try new things when you take a friend and do something together.

Joy 15:39

Yes, you can join a community class like how to play bridge or mahjong. You can start a group. I, for example, started a book club or throw a party. Small, large cocktails, coffee or lunch. It doesn't much matter. Be the inviter.

Paige 15:54

Oh, you know, that reminds me, I was invited to a really fun party by someone who had just moved to town and they wanted to meet people. So they invited me and then said bring a guest. It turned into a very non-threatening way to meet new people for them and for me. What a great idea.

Joy 16:11

Some other ideas are join a health club, join your HOA or a movie group, volunteer, get a new hobby. There are lots of opportunities. The key is you just have to reach out.

Bee 16:22

Okay, so now I've stepped out of my comfort zone, joined a new group or class. Now what? No one relishes going to new events, even the extroverts among us.

Joy 16:34

Well, there are ways to make any event from a wedding to a retirement seminar more enjoyable and productive. Now I'm not saying that every trip to the grocery store needs a strategy to make new friends or contacts, but this is about not coasting. So you need to be more intentional about your personal interactions. Consider this. Most of us won't leave the house without mascara, or at least clean clothes. This is the same thing, mentally prepared. Just don't go willy-nilly to the next event.

Paige 17:05

I definitely understand the mascara and clean clothes part, but what exactly do you mean by being mentally prepared?

Joy 17:11

Mentally prepared means being open and alert to possibilities. You know how we sometimes drive to familiar locations on autopilot. You arrive at your destination without really remembering how you got there. Being mentally alert is the opposite of autopilot.

Bee 17:26

Oh, I like that. You know, that makes sense. And that would be easy to do.

Joy 17:30

But in addition to being mentally prepared, let's review some specific tips for meeting people in a group setting. First, manage expectations. Try to keep it simple. You are not going to make five friends at the church new member coffee. Instead, expect to make just one good contact. Two, set a goal for each event. And once again, don't worry if it's a simple goal. Is it to gather intel about whether this is the right organization for you or to meet a specific person? Are you going to talk to a minimum of two people at the party? Make the goal ambitious but realistic. And have an exit strategy. Set an internal goal for when you may think you want to leave. Unless, of course, you're just having so much fun. For example, a goal might be to leave the event after you've had a conversation with three new people. Now, after you've chatted with three people, you'll need a polite exit strategy too. So you might say during a break in the conversation, in a sincere tone, please excuse me, I promised myself that I would speak to someone before I left. It's so nice to meet you. Best wishes with your project or whatever you discussed with them.

Bee 18:42

Wow, Joy, that is a great example. I personally have a problem exiting the conversation, mainly because I don't want to hurt the person's feelings, or I just can't think of a smooth way to leave it. I love your nice way of doing it.

Joy 18:57

Well, we talked about leaving the event. What do you think? What time do you think you should arrive at event? Uh, maybe 10 minutes late? Oh, that's socially acceptable, right? No. This sounds counterintuitive because you'd think it was better to arrive when the event is already packed, but fewer people are easier to maneuver. They haven't gotten settled in their little clicks. If you arrive early, you can also ask the event organizer or host to introduce you to a few other guests. The host is happy to do this and usually introduces you to someone who's very active in the organization. So it's a good first contact. That is a great idea. Another tip for an event is to have an opening line when approaching a group. It can be as simple as, y'all look like a friendly group, and I don't know many people here. Can I join you? Also, develop a 30-second personal infomercial and practice it just to be able to share a little bit about yourself to make others comfortable at sharing their story. And there is always the reliable, if not particularly original conversation starter, the weather. Now, another important suggestion: be sure to do your research about the group. As an example, last fall, at the last minute, a friend asked me to join her at a woman's networking event, which was to be held in the offices of a new company. The plan was to hit the event for an hour and then go out to dinner. Afterwards, I said yes and I didn't give it any more thought. Bells went off as soon as I arrived at the event. First, it was clear that you weren't supposed to bring a guest. Uh-oh. Secondly, the event was for women in technology. Again, not my habitat. And not just all women in technology, but C-suite women or rising C-suite women. And finally, the clincher. The real purpose of the event was to hear a presentation in the small conference room by a tech gal from San Francisco who was discussing the mentoring organization she had just started. She was in town looking for recruits to serve both as mentors and mentees. I bluffed my way through the whole ghastly thing, but with 10 minutes of research, I would have declined the invitation, or at the very least, been better prepared.

Bee 21:16

Okay, Joy. That is a hilarious story. And also good to know because I would not have asked for more information either.

Paige 21:25

Oh, that story will teach me to always take time to do a little research. So, what are some other ideas?

Joy 21:31

Well, there's the old favorite, get in line, that is for the bar, bathroom, or book signing. People are chattier with standing in line.

Bee 21:39

You know, I read an article about people standing in line at a bagel store in New York City for two hours. When the reporter interviewed the people in line, he learned that they aren't really there for the bagels, but standing in line has become a place to meet and talk to people easily. People are really coming up with all Sorts of creative ways to get out there and talk to people.

Joy 22:04

Another suggestion when you go to an event, introduce yourself to the speaker. I do this all the time and don't know why everyone doesn't. Now, this may seem awkward. When I mentioned this one to Bee and Paige, they were curious about the specifics. So here they are. Every speaker appreciates being thanked for their presentation, even if they've done it dozens of times before. Every speaker appreciates positive feedback. The feedback is more meaningful if you mention something specific that you found engaging or inspiring in their talk. Likewise, if you'd like to continue the conversation with the speaker, say to her, I was particularly interested in what you said about XYZ. Can I buy you a cup of coffee and talk further about this? If they say yes, ask how they would prefer to be contacted. Text, phone, email, follow up within 24 hours. As an example of this, Carol was a speaker at a board retreat I attended several years ago. I approached her after the presentation and introduced myself and asked her to coffee. Since then, Carol has become a good friend, joined my book club, and I sold her daughter a house.

Paige 23:09

That's amazing. All from just a polite introduction.

Joy 23:13

I thank every speaker, although I don't necessarily request a personal meeting with every speaker. Finally, a few tips that may seem obvious but are worth revisiting. Sometimes when we're nervous, we talk to fill in the gaps. When you're tempted to jump into a conversation, especially when you don't have anything pertinent to add, remember you don't have to be the star of every conversation. It's better to just listen, ask a question, and smile.

Bee 23:43

And usually if you ask a leading question about that person, they will give an answer that you can follow up on. You know, most people are very comfortable talking about themselves.

Joy 23:54

That is so true. And finally, no one is judging you. They are all too focused on themselves, their fears, and their own agendas. Now, you can make all the new connections you want, but it doesn't do you any good if you don't follow up. I like handwritten notes, but you may prefer email or a phone call. Whatever you choose, do it within 24 hours and write it down on your chart.

Paige 24:18

Yes, you know, we mentioned in episode three that Reba McIntyre was praised for always following up. For example, if she said, let's have lunch, she would follow up, set a date. So even the famous follow up.

Joy 24:31

In conclusion, this probably sounds like a ton of work, but a rich, supportive, interesting community doesn't just happen. You have to work it.

Bee 24:40

You know, Joy, this has been a wealth of information. And it may be a lot of work, but as we heard, the benefits are many. So there's no question that this is an important discussion for all of us.

Paige 24:52

Yes. Thank you so much, Joy, for taking the time and for sharing all of the information on making connections and developing a strong community. We really appreciate it. And as we've said before, now we just have to take that first simple step. We want to look back on this area in six months and really see a difference.

Bee 25:13

We would also really love to hear from our listeners. I'm sure that you may have tips to add that we can share in our later episodes or questions and topics that you would like to hear us focus on.

Paige 25:25

Yes, and we want to develop a community with our listeners. And the best way to let us know your thoughts is simply to email us at thriversarekind @ gmail.com. That's thriversarekind@gmail.com - No caps, no spaces.

Bee 25:48

Also, please hit the follow button so that you will get our new episodes if they are dropped. Because I knew nothing about the follow button, and it is important if you want to hear more. You will not get spam or have your information sold if you choose to follow the podcast. Often the follow button may just be at the top of this podcast when you look at it, or there can be three dashes at the top right. If you click on them, then the follow button comes up at the very top, and you just need to then click follow.

Paige 26:22

And also, we would really appreciate it if you like the podcast to share it with your friends. Because as we've talked about here, word of mouth is the best referral. As we discussed earlier, we best receive referrals when they come from a friend.

Bee 26:37

And we always end our podcast with two thoughts. Number one, how will you be kind today?

Paige 26:46

And number two, what's something new you can learn as each life page turns? Again, thank you, Joy, so much for your great information. And remember, listeners, keep thriving.