Who Gets Access to You - Silence Series

Hey family, welcome back to Karolyn Cares — where we talk about compassion, community, and commerce in real life.

This is Part 3 of our 4-part Silence Series.

Episode 1 was Silence Is Really Golden.
Episode 2 was Stop Explaining Yourself.

Today we’re talking about: Who Gets Access to You?

Because once you stop explaining yourself… you start noticing who feels entitled to your access.

If this series is speaking to you, like, subscribe, and share it. That helps this message reach people who are ready for it.

Let's go!!

Transcript

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Let me ask you something. Who has access to you right now that hasn't earned it? Not who loves you, not who knows you. Who has access to your time, your explanations, your emotional energy without accountability? Hey family, welcome back to Carolyn Cares, where we talk about compassion, community, and commerce in real life. This is part three of our four-part silence series. Episode one was Silence is Really Golden. Episode two was Stop Explaining Yourself. Today we're talking about who gets access to you. Because once you stop explaining yourself, you start noticing who feels entitled to your access. If this series is speaking to you, like, subscribe, and share it. That helps this message reach people who are ready for it. Key point access is not the same as relationship. Just because someone in your life doesn't mean just because someone is in your life doesn't mean they deserve unlimited access. Access means direct contact, emotional influence, input into your decisions, and immediate responses. And some people have access simply because you never removed it. Let me say that again. Some people have access simply because you never removed it. Who has access to you by default? Reflect on that for a moment. Who has access to you by default? This is how we give access away. We give access away through guilt, through history, through fear of conflict, and because we've always done it this way. Sometimes we give access because we don't want to be the bad person. Sometimes we give access because someone has known us for years. But time does not equal entitlement. History does not guarantee access. These are signs someone has too much access. Now I want you to listen carefully. They expect immediate replies. Two, they challenge your decisions. Three, they guilt you for boundaries. Four, they feel entitled to explanations. And five, they react negatively when you grow. Let's deal with number one. So they expect immediate replies. You know how when you've given somebody access and they send you a text or they list make a call to you and they leave a voicemail, they want you to immediately reply to them without hesitation. They don't want to hear that you were busy. They don't want to hear that you weren't feeling well. They don't want to hear that you were attending to something else that prioritized your time. They want immediate supplies. Let's discuss a little bit with number two. They challenge your decisions. So when you have given access to somebody, they challenge the decisions that you've made. Decisions you've made for your life, for your wealth, for your health. They challenge your decisions and they start questioning your decisions. How about three? They guilt you for boundaries. So whenever you create boundaries with someone that you've given access to, they don't understand why you couldn't pick up the call. They don't understand why you didn't reply immediately or you didn't leave a text message, you know, acknowledging the text. So they guilt you for boundaries. Why, you know, you know, they'll say such things like, oh wow, so you know, you're getting a little highfalutin. I'm I'm using a word that some of you may not know, highfalutin, or you're you're getting a little bougie, as people would say, because you're now creating boundaries with your time. So they don't understand that. Four, when people feel entitled to explanations. So rather than saying, just saying simply no, they want to know why you said no. They want to know why you can't go out with them, why you can't spend time with them, why you can't return the call. They feel entitled to explanations. A no is simply not enough. And lastly, they react negatively when you grow. So when you decide to do something different, you want to spend your time, you know, doing something that perhaps that you enjoy or you feel is going to add to your life, they don't understand. And they begin to criticize because they're saying, hey, I feel like you know, we're growing apart, or I feel like you're leaving me, or I feel like, you know, they don't understand the fact that you are growing. So if someone gets upset when you grow, they weren't attached to you. Let me say that again. If someone gets upset when you grow, they weren't attached to you from the beginning. They were attached to the version of you they could access. Wow, that's a mouthful. They were attached to the version of you they could access. They don't care about you growing, they don't care about you know what you want to do with your life. They're just attached to that version of you that they could access and the part of you that wasn't growing. Think about that for a moment. What does healthy access look like? So it needs to be balanced. So here's what healthy access looks like: it respects timing, it doesn't demand explanations, it celebrates growth, and it accepts boundaries. Healthy access feels calm and it doesn't feel like pressure. I have some homework for you. Homework one, because again, I'm a former teacher. I I like doing homework, assigning homework. That's how you how you that's how the the assignment or the lesson sticks when you have homework rather than just hearing a lesson and then letting it come in one ear and come out the other, go out the other. So we have the access audit. It's called the access audit. I want you to write down on a piece of paper, and again, if you haven't already obtained a journal, I strongly, highly suggest you get a journal. You can pick up a journal at any retail store, they're very inexpensive, and that way you can write down, jot down your notes and your thoughts and your feelings on paper. So write this down. Who has direct access to me? Write down all the names of the people that have direct access to you, whether it's your spouse, your children, your siblings, your parents, your boss, manager, good friend, a significant other. And then I want you to write down next who has emotional access to you. So again, that could be your spouse, your significant other, your parent, your aging parent, could be an aging parent, a sibling, a close friend. And then thirdly, I want you to write down who has decision-making access to me. So one, who has direct access to me, two, who has emotional access to me, and three, who has decision-making access to me. So in other words, who have you given permission to speak into your life that you value their input, you value their advice, you value their opinion in your life, and you've given them, you've given them access to you. Write that down. That could be a mentor, that could be a manager, a boss, a parent, could be a sibling, close friend. So some of these you may have, you may have the same list of people, and others you may only have a few people listed under each of the three forms of access. So again, number one, who has direct access to me? Two, these are questions you're asking yourself, two, who has emotional access to me, and three, who has decision-making access to me. Here's another homework, and this is called the one boundary adjustment. Choose one person, one person on the list of people that you've jotted down, and I want you to reduce the access slightly. Not dramatically, just intentionally reduce it. So whether you've given somebody access, emotional access or direct access, reduce it, reduce it slightly. And again, not dramatically, just intentionally. And here's my last homework assignment. I want you to notice the reactions. So pay attention to who reacts when your access, when your access changes, when your access that you've granted them changes. Pay attention to who reacts when your access changes. Do they feel slighted? Are they upset? Are they angry? Are they silent? Are they dismissive? Jot that down. So I want you to drop one word in the comments, earned or default. That's it. Just one word, drop one word in the comments, earned or default. Are the people around you there by default or because they earned access? Like, subscribe, and share this episode with someone who needs to hear this. In closing, I want to say that access is a privilege, not a right. And once you understand that, you stop feeling guilty for protecting yourself. In the next episode, the final in this series, we're talking about quiet confidence and grown decisions. Because once you control silence and you control access, your decisions become powerful. Until next time, protect your peace. Bye.