When People Don't Like Your Boundaries - Peace Series

Hey family, welcome back to Karolyn Cares — where we talk about compassion, community, and commerce in real life. 

This is Part 2 of the Peace Series.

Last episode we talked about protecting your peace without guilt.

Today we’re talking about what happens next…
 when people don’t like your boundaries.”

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Alright, let's do this.... together. Let's go!

Transcript

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Let's be honest for a moment. Have you ever set a boundary and immediately felt tension? Not because it was wrong, but because someone didn't like it. Hey family, welcome back to Carolyn Cares. This is part two of the peace series. Last episode we talked about protecting your peace without guilt. Today, we're talking about what happens next when people don't like your boundaries. Why people react. They're used to access, they feel a sense of control, they benefited from your availability. People don't always react to your boundary, they react to losing access. Let me say that again. People don't always react to your boundary, they react to losing access. So if you have someone that's used to you giving them access, they feel a sense of control or a loss of control. Let me correct that. A loss of control because they benefited from your availability. You are always there. But this time they're reacting to your boundary because they don't have that access. What does discomfort look like? Or what discomfort looks like? You get silence from people that you used to give access to. You're being put on guilt trips. There are attitude changes, and you'll always get comments like you've changed, but not in a good way. These are snarky comments that people may, you know, say to you that you've changed, and they mean it in a negative way. Sometimes you've changed is not criticism, it's observation. People notice that there's a difference in you, and good that they notice a difference in you. What about holding your boundary? Boundaries are not about explaining. Let me make that very clear. Boundaries are not about explaining, they're about consistency. We need to get consistent about the boundaries we say that we have made. So now you need to be consistent about the boundaries that you have told yourself that you have made, and you need to be consistent about it. You don't need to defend a boundary you already decided on. Wow, that's a great one. You don't need a boundary, you've already decided on. You decided on a boundary, you don't need to defend it. Your boundary is your boundary. Point blank period. What's the internal work? So the hardest part isn't their reaction, it's your desire to fix it. So once someone has responded negatively to you setting a boundary, it's it's really not their reaction, it's always your desire to fix it because you see that people are not responding to you favorably or positively as in the past, and you want to fix it. What's the homework we can we can do for this? So one boundary you're not going to re-explain. Decide on one boundary, you will not re-explain. So whether that boundary is your time, of course, time is the access. So whether you're you're saying, hey, I'm not responding to this person right away, if they're trying to get a hold of me, if it's not a life or death situation, I have to keep emphasizing that. If it's not a life or death situation, I don't need to respond to it right away. Or I don't need to respond to it at all. I don't have to respond to it. People do it all the time with you. And then, you know, you feel a certain way. Now, this is of course before your transformation. You feel a certain way when somebody doesn't respond to you. But it's time for you to turn the tables. Do that for other people, just like they want, they are expecting you to respond right away. You're gonna flip the table. Nope, I'm not responding right away like I always do. Like I always give an immediate answer. I always give an immediate response because they text, call, email me, they see me in person, they want me to give them in a response right away. You're not on you're not on that page anymore. So this time you're gonna pause and you're gonna say, okay, is this necessary? Is it an immediate response that I have to make, or do I need to think about it? Do I need to pause for a moment? Think about that for a moment, guys. Think about that very hard. Do you feel like you always have to respond right away rather than pausing and being quiet for a moment? Because people do that to you all the time. They do it. Some people are known for doing that. I have some people that I have interacted with, they will not respond to you right away. It's a given. But if they need me to do something, oh yeah, they want me to respond right away. Yeah, did you get my text? And you say nothing. So it works both ways. So again, the homework is you're gonna have one boundary that you will not re-explain and just let them deal with it. You're gonna notice the reactions of people and you're gonna jot it down. And again, if you have not done so just yet, please purchase yourself journal or journals that you can get from any major retailer that you can just jot down your thoughts, your feelings, your reactions, or the actions of others or observation from others, because again, it's so handy, it comes in handy when you're able to see the episodes from your life of how you've changed, of how you've been transformed, of how you've evolved over time, and that happens by journaling. You know, when we read the biography or the lives of people that we admire, celebs, or someone that we we feel is important, and we like to read their biography, how their their humble beginnings and how they evolved and were transformed over a period of time to the person that they are today. We love reading about that. Your journal is your biography, it's a biography of your thoughts, it's a biography of your feelings, and it's important to jot it down. You are important, your life matters. Don't let anybody, and I mean anybody, tell you otherwise. Family, friend, foe, friend of me, I don't care who it is. Don't you dare let anyone tell you that you don't matter and that your life does not matter. You need to put that out of your mind and keep writing, keep journaling, keep putting your thoughts and your feelings down on paper because it leaves a it leaves it leaves a trail of your life. Your life is important, you all. And I want to say this to anybody that has been feeling like you don't matter, your life matters. You are made in the image and likeness of God, and I'm telling you, your life matters. You matter in this earth, on this planet, and your life without you, there's gonna be a void. There will be a void in life without you being there. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise. The devil is a liar. I wanted to throw that in. All right, so back to the homework again. You're gonna jot down one boundary that you will not re-explain. You're going to, secondly, you're gonna notice the reactions from that boundary, and then you're gonna sit with that discomfort without fixing it. Don't try to fix it, don't try to come to the rescue. Hey, I'm gonna save the world. You don't need to save the world, you need to save yourself, you need to save yourself. So don't try to fix it. You know, I have always been the type of person, I'm a very helpful person by nature. I'm a helpful person. I love helping, I love being of service, I love, you know, seeing if somebody's in need of something, it any way that I can be of help, that is my that is my God-given nature. But when I realize that the same effort that you put into others, it's not received. It kind of leaves a taste in your mouth. And you're thinking, like, oh wow, oh wow. So I came, I came to your aid, but now you're you're you know, you're not, it's not being reciprocated. And not that it always has to be reciprocated. I need to throw that out. It doesn't always have to be reciprocated, but sometimes it feels good when somebody is able to show you some level of service that you have given to others, and it doesn't have to be anyone that you know, it can be it can be a total stranger. And you're like, God, if you see the good that I'm doing for other people, not that you're only doing good to receive good back. That's not the purpose. If you're a person who likes doing good, period. That's your nature, that's you know what God created you to be. It's okay every now and then to want to get you know good return back to you. It's okay, it's nothing wrong with that because only God sees what you do when others aren't around. God sees what you do privately, God sees what you do when nobody else is around, what you do when other eyes are not on you, when you're not in the public spotlight, when you're not doing things for people in positions of power, influence, you know, to see. You're not doing that, you're doing it because that's a good thing to do, or you would want somebody to do that for you if you were in that situation. So just wanted to touch base on that. In the comments, however, I want you all, if you could please tell me what boundary, what boundary are you holding right now? What boundary are you holding right now? Is it a boundary at work? Is it a boundary in the home? Is it a boundary in your business? Is it a boundary in a romantic relationship? Is it a boundary in a friendship? Whatever boundaries that you are holding right now, I would like for you to share it in the comments if you don't mind, just so we can we can get a conversation going and and really begin to understand, you know, understand one another and begin to build a community. Not everyone, I want to say this in closing, that not everyone will like your boundaries. It's okay. They don't have to like your boundaries. I am not obligated for you to like my boundaries because just like you set boundaries with me, and many people have set boundaries with me that I wasn't aware of. I wasn't aware you were setting a boundary with me, but it was a boundary. Not everyone will like your boundaries, they'll be fine, but the right people will respect them. Let me say that again. Not everyone will like your boundaries, but the right people, they'll respect it. In our next episode, I want to focus on emotional maturity versus emotional drama. Emotional maturity versus emotional drama. And let me just say this these will be my final pointers. They don't miss you, they miss access. People that you've given access to, they don't miss you. They just miss miss the access. They miss being nosy, they miss being, what do they call it? That monitoring spirit, being able to monitor your life and being able to see what you're doing without getting involved in your life. They're able to get the, as people say it sometimes, they're able to get the T on what's going on with you, but they don't really care about you, they don't miss you. And boundaries don't need speeches. A boundary is a boundary, it's invisible, you can't see it, but it can be expressed. And once you express it, be consistent. That's all I have, guys. Until next time, you all be blessed. Bye bye.