#85 | Stop Asking “What’s Wrong With Them?”

Ever catch yourself thinking, "Why don't they just figure it out?" Or maybe you've found yourself saying, "We've already gone over this!" What if the real problem isn't someone's ability—but the assumptions we make as leaders?

In this episode of Lead with Swagger, Jennifer Sukalo shares an ordinary morning watching a storm cleanup crew that sparked an extraordinary leadership lesson. The biggest leadership mistakes rarely come from bad intentions—they come from bad assumptions. Jennifer explores why assumptions—not incompetence—often hold people back and how one simple shift from frustration to curiosity can transform the way we lead others and ourselves.

Discover why leadership is never one-size-fits-all, how every person moves through four stages of learning—from the eager learner to the confident performer—and why giving the wrong type of support can unintentionally keep people stuck. Drawing on the principles of situational leadership, Jennifer explains how great leaders develop thinkers, not just followers, by meeting people where they are and providing the support they need to grow.

Whether you're leading a team, running a business, coaching others, parenting, or navigating your own personal growth, this episode offers practical leadership strategies to improve communication, build confidence, and create environments where people feel empowered to learn, ask questions, and succeed.

If you've ever been frustrated with someone—or even yourself—this conversation might completely change your perspective.

Transcript

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Have you ever watched someone struggle with something that seemed painfully obvious to you and found yourself thinking, come on, just do the thing already. Maybe, maybe you've said, how hard can this be? Or my personal favorite, seriously, we've gone over this already. Now, here's the funny thing. The moment you think something is obvious is usually the exact moment you've forgotten what it felt like not to know. And that's where leadership starts getting dangerous. Because assumptions, not incompetence, are often what derail people. Welcome back to Lead with Swagger, the podcast where we get real, raw, and ridiculously honest about what it takes to lead with confidence, authenticity, and a whole lot of heart. I'm your host, Jennifer Socallo, and today I would like to tell you about two guys, a pile of rocks, and the leadership lesson that hit me before I'd even finished my morning coffee. Okay, so picture this. I was looking out my window the other morning as the crew showed up to help with some storm cleanup around our small community. There were two rather young. Okay, they look like kids to me, but maybe that's just because the older I get, the younger other people look. I mean, remember when 30-year-olds look like actual adults? Now I see someone who's 22, and my first thought is, oh, sweetheart, sit your mom back your lunch. Anyway, these two are walking around literally like zombies. No urgency, no plan, no clue where to begin. They're looking around, walking over here, walking over there, looking back over there. Meanwhile, I'm standing in my kitchen thinking, people, this is not rocket science. We're picking up stones, putting them back where they belong, sweeping, cleaning debris, blowing everything off, done. I almost wanted to march outside with my coffee and say, Oh, okay, just move over. Let me show you. Don't judge me because you've had those moments too. But then, then something interesting happened. Instead of staying frustrated, I got curious. Maybe this wasn't laziness, maybe it wasn't lack of work ethic. Maybe. Maybe they genuinely didn't know where to begin. And that changed everything. You see, leadership isn't about giving everyone the same exact instructions. Leadership is about giving each person what they need. That's a very different thing. I might have looked at that cleanup and instantly known what to do because I've seen projects like that hundreds of times. These two? Maybe it was their first day. Maybe no one had ever shown them. Maybe they were afraid of doing the wrong thing. Those are completely different problems and completely different leadership opportunities. Now, here's what really worries me. We live in a world where we consult our phones, Google, AI, for almost everything. Need to boil an egg? Ask your phone. Need to write an email? Ask AI. Need directions to the grocery store you've been to 47 times? Apparently, ask your GPS. Sometimes I wonder: are we slowly losing the ability to think for ourselves, to problem solve, to experiment, to fail, adjust, and figure things out. Now that's probably an entirely different podcast episode, but it did make me think about leadership. Because leaders aren't just responsible for getting work done, they're responsible for developing thinkers, not just followers. One of my favorite leadership concepts comes from Ken Blanchard. It's called situational leadership. The basic idea is simple. Leadership depends on both the individual and the task. The same person may need completely different leadership depending on what they're doing. Think about that. You can have an incredible employee who suddenly starts using new software. Guess what? They're a beginner again. Or an amazing athlete or parent learning pickleball. Or a brilliant executive trying public speaking for the first time. Confidence doesn't transfer spontaneously. Experience doesn't transfer automatically. Every new challenge creates a new learning curve. Now, over the years, I've started calling these stages something a little different. So, stage one, I like to call the eager learner. This is the honeymoon phase. Everything feels exciting and new. You're optimistic. You think I've got this. And three weeks later, it's holding laundry. Then comes stage two, the frustrated learner. Why? Because reality shows up and usually smacks you right upside the head. You suddenly realize I know way less than I thought I did. In fact, the more you learn, the more you realize how much you don't know. And maybe this is a lot harder than you thought it was going to be. This is where a lot of people quit. Not because they aren't capable, but because they're uncomfortable. Then, if they keep going on the learning curve, they become the insecure performer. Now they can actually do the work, but they don't trust themselves yet. They're constantly second-guessing. Was that right? Should I ask? What if I mess up? This stage requires encouragement more than correction. And finally, the confident performer. They've done it enough times. Their skills have grown, but even more importantly, their belief in themselves has grown. And that's where real confidence comes from. Not from positive thinking, from repeated experience. And here's where so many leaders accidentally fail people. They assume. They assume someone is confident because they've been around a while. They assume someone knows because they nodded. They assume silence means understanding. It doesn't. Sometimes silence means I have absolutely no idea what's happening, but I don't want to look stupid. Have you ever done that? I know I have. The truth is, most people don't need less support. They need the right support. There is a difference. One employee needs clear direction, another needs encouragement, another needs autonomy, and another needs someone to simply ask, what do you think? Leadership isn't copy and paste, it's curiosity. But here's the twist. This isn't just about leading other people, it's about leading yourself. How often do you beat yourself up because you're not immediately good at something? I know I just raised my hand. How often do you expect yourself to perform like an expert when you're actually an eager learner or a frustrated learner? Maybe you've started a business, written a book, launched a podcast, changed careers, started healing, started setting boundaries, started becoming a different version of yourself. Why are you expecting mastery when you're still learning? Give yourself permission to be new. Because every confident performer you admire once had absolutely no clue what they were doing. They just kept showing up. So here's your swagger challenge for this week. I would like for you to think of one person you've been frustrated with recently. Maybe it's someone at work. Maybe it's your spouse. Maybe it's one of your kids. Maybe it's yourself. Now, ask one simple question. What stage of learning are they actually in? Are they the eager learner, the frustrated learner, the insecure performer, or the confident performer? Then ask yourself, am I giving them the leadership they need, or the leadership I assume they need? Those are two very different things. Capture your answer, write it down, then choose one thing you'll do differently this week. One conversation, one adjustment, one act of curiosity, because leadership isn't built through giant moments, it's built through thousands of tiny adjustments. Now, if today's conversation reminded you of someone, don't keep it to yourself. Instead of simply just sending the episode, send it with this sentence. This made me think differently about leadership and about people. I'd love to hear what stood out to you. Great conversations have a ripple effect, and you never know where that ripple might begin. And if this podcast has been helping you grow, hit follow. Every follow tells the platforms more people need this conversation, and it helps these messages reach leaders who may need them right now. Now, before we wrap up, can I just remind you of something? You don't have to have all the answers to become an extraordinary leader. You just have to care enough to keep learning, to keep adjusting, to keep showing up. Somewhere inside you is a leader that even you haven't fully met yet. Every uncomfortable conversation, every mistake, every lesson, every time you choose growth over ego, you're introducing yourself to that version. Now I believe that leader is already in you. Perhaps it's time for you to believe it just as deeply. In the meantime, go out there and keep leading with swagger.