I Am Not My Mistakes

Have you been quietly carrying shame?

In this episode, we confront the difference between guilt and identity — and why your past does not get to define your future.

You are not disqualified.

You are not your worst decision.

It’s time to release shame and walk in redemption.

Comment “REDEEMED.”

Awaken the wide-eyed woman within.

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:00

Hello, beautiful. Take a breath. You're exactly where you need to be. Welcome to the Big Eye Girl Podcast, a space for real conversations, honest reflection, and learning how to see life through a bigger, wider lens. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you press play because you're searching for clarity, growth, or just a moment to breathe and feel seen, you're in the right place. And around here, we talk about things that shape us the challenges, the shifts, the lessons, and the quiet moments in between that often matter the most. This is a space where you don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be open. So wherever you are right now, driving, walking, or just sitting with your thoughts, settle in. Take what you need from this conversation and allow yourself to see things a little differently today. Let's get into it. Today we're talking about something a lot of women carry quietly. Shame. Not loud shame, not obvious shame, but the kind that whispers. You should have known better. You messed that up. You don't get another chance at chance at this. I remember the time where I replayed a decision over and over again. Not just what happened, but what I should have done differently. Ooh, the shoulda coulda woulda. I think the shoulda coulda wooled woulda's is like a curse. For real, like that takes anxiety and depression and all the things to a whole nother level, right? Because every time you allow yourself to do the shit, could it would have shit takes you down a deep dark rabbit hole. It wasn't just regret, it was embarrassment. Because I knew better. Maybe for you it was a relationship you stayed into or a situation you went back to. A decision that cost you peace. Something you said, something you allowed. The hardest part is not what happened. It's knowing you participated in it. And that's where shame settles. I remember in 2023, um, I had moved, I had been back in Atlanta almost two years. Everything was had turned around. Like, ooh, I had just left, I left Detroit in the pandemic towards right when things were starting to open back up. In Detroit, I had my son and I, we were pivoting um preparing to move back here to Atlanta. And uh I I was I was single, I wasn't with anyone out, was not with my ex fiance. And he was still active in uh my son's life, so we did see each other periodically still helped with, you know, picking them up and dropping them off and um coming to take him places, things like that, but you know, so he knew that we were leaving, and we were not on bad terms, we were definitely on we were we were on speaking terms. Um and we were never we were the argumentative couple, we didn't argue a lot, and that was new for me. That was very um well, I won't say it was new for me. That's that's a lie. Anywho, I digress. Um we got back here. Favor showed my way. I opened up um a salon suite, I had clientele coming back, I had new clientele. Um, I even invested in my yoga teacher training that I had was wanting to invest in when I had started here 20 years ago. So I was able to do that with shout out to the trap um in Detroit. Um Jamel Randall, if y'all, I'm sure y'all know about him. If you don't, if you looking for a yoga studio, um Jamel Randall, the trap, yoga and massage studio, hands down. That's my yogi. He also has a podcast, so shout out to Jamel on that one. I was able to invest in that and and take my training and do it hybrid. So that was a blessing. And I when we would have in-house sessions, um, in-person sessions at the trap, I would actually fly up to be involved. It was just, I just had the space and the time to do that, and everything was good, you all. I got to a place where my exit came down and we rekindled. And we both we had the conversation. I initiated the hard conversation of what are we doing? Why are we doing this again? Is it just we're just being familiar? Are we supposed to be doing this? All the things, right? And I remember him saying, let's just be present right now. And I said, okay. I agree to that. However, in my heart, in my spirit, let me not say my heart, my spirit, I my spirit didn't agree to that. But my heart did. Fast forward, I end up closing everything down that God had favored for me to get, for my son and us to get back here. I closed it down. In hopes of, because it started to get financially, it started to get harder for me. It was a struggle for me. I was not, I was wavering spiritually within myself. There was things that now I know I was not addressing. I wasn't learning from my lessons. And at this point in my life, it was starting to cost me and cost the people around me. Not just financially, but physically, spiritually, mentally. We end up moving back to Detroit, and I had trusted our Miami ex-fiance's conversations, our planning, and things like that. I was ignoring all the red flags prior to moving back, though. And I know that now. I know a lot, I knew it a little bit then, but I was just too ashamed. I was too ashamed and too embarrassed to tell him that I'm not coming. To leave him again, to choose to be the strong one, to be obedient to what God said. I just hoped that he would step up to the plate and finally say no to me. And say, No, it's not time. No, it's that's not God's will. He never did. I was fighting with a fibroid in my outside of my cervix as well. So I was not just going through something physical and relational-wise, I was going through something in my health. And I was on a healthy route of healing through a program, uh, Womb Strong by that's uh founded by Tina Fuller, another fabulous person. Y'all don't know about him. Shout out to Womb Strong and Tina Fuller. Go follow her on social media, Instagram, and I was doing the holistic healing, but I was so torn and so emotionally spent. Get back to Detroit, and at first it seemed really good. The first week it felt really cool. Then by week two, I'm on a balcony in summertime, and it's so very pretty and nice and warm, extremely hot, and I'm out there doing yoga and I'm just doing my my morning rituals, right? But when I'm out there, I have a like a coat is on me, even though it's summertime. I don't have a coat, a physical coat on, but it's just like I'm just heavy, y'all. And I'm like, yo, God help me. I don't, I'm just praying. I'm very transparent in my prayers and say, God, I feel like I'm in hell. And the Holy Spirit responded back to me. He said, Wherever you wherever you lay your head, there I'll be. I broke down crying immediately. Not like no few tears. No, I'm willing crying for my soul, for my my gut. Because I knew I had made a wrong decision. I didn't wait on God. I did not listen. I did not see or acknowledge the red flags. And shortly after that, my ex he had made uh I was drinking it this the tea that goes with the um detox. He had made it for me and uh he brought it up to he was bringing it up to me. Then he seen me crying and then he was just he kind of stopped and I said, We need to talk, and he was like, Okay, sit down. And I said, What are we doing? Why are we here again? I said, Does this not look familiar to you? And he kind of looked at me as if he was ashamed and he felt guilty. I could see it in his eyes. And he told me, um, I know it's hard. And if you want to leave, you definitely can. I looked up at this Negro and I said with a face, my facial expression was of bewilderment. Like, what did you just say to me? So I had a whole lot of choice words. I did not say the choice words to him, but in my mind, the choice words were flowing. I probably did say it to him, I don't remember. All I know is I did say, how am I supposed to leave when I don't have any money? I'm flat broke. I don't have a pot to piss in or a window to throw it out of. And I went to uh elaborating on our living situations and all that. I was, and I said, and to go back, to go back where? I said I can't even go back to my mom's, my parents' house. I'm too ashamed. I'm too embarrassed. My parents had things going on. My stepfather was going through chemo treatments and things like that. And I said, how am I about to run back into their house again? Like it was just so much, and then I'm back in Detroit, and I was so ashamed for my family to know I was back there that I wouldn't even call my biological father. And let me go back for a moment. When I had, I was sitting before I had asked God, when I was praying to ask God, like, what's going on? Why I feel so heavy. My biological father said something to me a couple years prior to that, pertaining to the relationship with my ex-fiance. He said to me, he looked me dead in my face, and he said, You're he said, you know what your problem is? He said, You're not learning from your mistakes. And he looked over at my ex-fiance and he looked at me and he walked away. One thing about it, my father, he knows me. He knows his child, he knows his daughter enough to look at the person and then look at me and say, basically, that said, I'm talking about him. Instead of saying I'm talking about him. But in that moment of me on that balcony before God, before the Holy Spirit said what he said to me, the Holy Spirit reminded me of that moment with my father. And then that's what the Holy Spirit said to me. Wherever you lay your bed, wherever you lay your head, wherever you lay your bed, that's where I'll be. Y'all, I was there. We were there um the year. It was the longest year of my life. I regretted that move. Yeah, I do. That's something God is working on me with to this day. So on me having this podcast, this podcast is just not about me sharing space and saying I I I have arrived and I'm here and I'm there. This is me sharing my wisdom, my experiences, things that have took me to the brink, to the end of a thing where I almost thought I was either gonna take my life, I wanted to take my life, or I had so many suicidal thoughts because of these poor decisions that I've made and not waiting and not allowing myself to heal before I process or move into something new. That I'm safe to say, well, it's safe to say, yes, I'm on the other side of it, thank God. Well, me and my son, we went through a lot. My son has seen me go through a lot of things, and he's been there with me. Him and Jesus. And I think that that's the part that I regret the most is allowing him to see his mom in situations and having to deal with things that a child sometimes a child shouldn't child should have to be a a child, not a child doing adult things and navigating adult emotions and behaviors. So sis when I say when I say that I regret it and you may say, well, Key, you don't saw how you forgave yourself. I forgave myself. Remember I said forgiveness is in layers. I'm on the other side of it. And I'm really just coming out because it took a whole nother year for me to settle within myself to allow my nervous system to take a pause. And I'm still recovering. Can we talk about this clearly? Let's get a little bit clearer. There is a difference between guilt and shame. I want to be clear here. Because I know some of us are struggling. Guilt says that's wrong. Right? Shame says, I am wrong. Guilt can lead you to growth. Shame keeps you stuck in identity. And this is where so many women get trapped. We get trapped, well, you know, you start redefining yourself by it. You start saying, I'm the woman who stayed too long. I identify myself with it. I went back. Oh, I kept going back. Oh, I kept going back. Oh, it was this. Oh, I I I I even blamed it on God. I even said it was God. Oh, yeah, I did. Oh, we're gonna heal y'all. We don't we're gonna call that thing a thing. I justified it with putting God on it. Sure did. We say things like, I'm the woman who chose wrong. I'm the woman who should have known better. I said that narrative too. I should have known better. I know better. And now your past is something you experience, it's something you've become. Let me say something gently. Let me say something gently. You are not your worst decision, you are not your lowest moment. Because according to Romans chapter 8, verse 1, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. That's right. If you're in Christ Jesus, whether you like the old folks say, you backslid, you fell on the wayside. Honey, if you and God, if you confess the Lord, Savior, Lord Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior, baby, this applies to you. I don't care what you have done. If He's Lord of your life, you confessed it with your mouth, believed it in your heart, and it renewed your mind for a moment before you chose differently. Romans 8 chapter. Romans 8 chapter verses 1 is it applies to you. There is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. No condemnation, no reduced condemnation, no delayed condemnation, no condemnation. Let me ask you something, honestly. Why do we hold on to shame? Sometimes it feels like accountability. Sometimes it feels like if I don't punish myself, I'm not taking it too seriously. That warped thinking already right there. Well, you need to bring some awareness to. I don't deserve that nothing good happens to me. Yeah, yeah. It will. It can. But here's the truth. Punishing yourself doesn't produce growth. It produces heaviness. During that time while I was there for that year, it wasn't horrible for us the whole time. But we we end up having more heavy conversation. We were both heavy. We were making having to make decisions that God was in it. I won't say that God said for us to do it. But because Him and I individually, in our own prayer time, we collectively asked God help us. Because we both believers. And I know people, some people say, Well, y'all could have stayed together. Uh no. No. It was things that needed to be worked on separate that God needed to do within both of us to get both of us where we needed to be in Him for our purpose, for the calling, for what we're created to do, for destiny. And we were actually in each other's way. Because of all this stuff. Not because God said that, because I have for I hadn't forgiven myself. So when you don't really forgive yourself, this that allows that little opening can allow all the negative narrative of I don't deserve this. I don't, I just, you know, I just gotta punish myself. I gotta get through it. You know, God, He don't give us, He'll take us through. Girl, people might ex say that to me. Sometimes you gotta go through some storms. I looked at him. That's the day I was one day I looked up him. I said, I don't know the God that you serve. I said, but I know God's gonna give us hard times. I said, but it don't be hard times when we don't feel no joy in it. I want to do it with joy with it. I'm impressed in my life right now, but baby, I feel light. Because I know that the joy of the Lord is there is my strength. So I I rebuked them straight up. But because so even when opportunities came, I questioned them. Because my I was wavering, I was unstable. Even when something good showed up, I hesitated. Because shame will make you reject what you pray for. Not just with people, y'all, with opportunities for things that you believe in for. This is where emotional wellness matters again. When you carry shame, your body stays tense, your thoughts stay critical, your decisions stay fear-based. You become hyper-aware of your flaws. You ever get somebody always gotta highlight every flaw of everything or anybody, and you'll be like, oh my god, how do they know that they do that? I'm starting to be more aware of people that do that. But even in my awareness, I'm starting to pray for the more silent one, not even to bring it to their attention because sometimes you can't bring it to their attention because they're not they're not aware of it, or they may be and they're not stuff ready to change, they're not ready to change it. So pray for. That's just my side bit. So me being hyper when you become you become hyper-aware of your flaws, and it disconnected you, it did and it disconnects you from grace. Something like that. Let me say something that might stretch you. Self-forgiveness is not pride, it's obedience. Because if God has released you, why are you holding on to yourself? If God has forgiven you, God said there's there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus. Why are you still condemning yourself? God, the spiritual entity that wakes you up every morning, breathes air into your body, make sure that your heart, your mind, your lungs, your liver, your kidney, your urinary tract, your everything, your feet function, your arms function, you're able to go to work, school, be a home to kids, whatever state you're in. But one thing for sure, you are not waking up and breathing air into your old body. So that higher power, the creator himself, said he forgave you. Why are you holding on towards yourself? Some of you have asked God for forgiveness, but you haven't accepted it. You're still replaying, you're still punishing, still shrinking, and it and it's affecting how you show up now in relationships and opportunities in your confidence. And I had to face this in myself. Oh, I was shrinking. Baby, I would go on rooms and act like I don't know nothing. And knew half the stuff, if not more. I was dressing like whatever. And I remember my mother was She was like, oh yeah, my daughter fashionista like, no, I'm not. My confidence. I had to forgive myself for all that. Me and my ex-fiance, we went through. Because when we when we when we broke up, it was I initiated it. I think he knew it was coming though. He's a very smart man. But I remember one day he had to take me to the doctor and we were separated. And I remember him saying on the way there, I'm crying, I'm crying. And I'm like, I did not expect for us to have this conversation like this. Because we had to we elaborated more on what was happening between us again. And he said it. He was like, I wasn't prepared for this conversation right now. I said, shouldn't mean either. But we gotta get it out. We gotta talk about it. Because for even for men, men, brothers, if it's a brother that you know might need to hear this episode, have him tap in. Brothers need to heal too. Brothers need honesty too. Brothers need truth, y'all. Sisters, I'm just saying, if you know that you ain't, he ain't the one, but he got a out of your out of the list of ten, he got six, or he got five, and you trying to make the other six work, you know the other five work. No math button, math in the end, okay. Don't do that to him. Don't do it to yourself. Don't do it to your spirit, don't do it to your heart, don't do it to your mind. It's only so much your body can take before it starts showing other signs of disease. I had to ask him for forgiveness. And I had to ask for forgiveness because I hadn't forgiven him in areas of our our our relationship prior to. I didn't. Self-forgiveness looks like not rehearsing the same mistake daily, not introducing yourself by your past, not expecting punishment every time something goes well. It's choosing to move forward without dragging yourself backward. I want you to consider something. What if your past is not your label but your lesson? What if you're not the woman who failed? But the woman who learned. Because growth changes identity. You are not who you were. You are who you're becoming. And if you keep identifying with your past, you will sabotage your future. Let God redefine you. Not your mistakes. Release doesn't mean forgetting. It means you stop replaying it every night, you stop introducing yourself through it, you stop shrinking because of it. It means you say that happened, but it would. That happened, but it is not who I am. And then you start making decisions from your healed identity, not your ashamed. If you've been carrying shame, take a breath. Let's take a breath. Take in a breath in through your nose. In out through your mouth. Let's take a nose. Out through the mouth. One last time, so in through the nose. You are not disqualified. You are not stuck. You are not your mistakes. You are redeemed. Comment redeemed if you're choosing to release shame. And remember, awaken the wide-eyed woman within. Before you go, I just want to say thank you for being here and choosing to spend this time with me. It really means more than you know. If this episode spoke to you in any way, the best way you can support the Big Eye Girl Podcast is by simply following the show right here where you are listening. That way you never miss a conversation. Because new episodes drop every week. And if something you heard today made you think of another woman in your life, a friend, a sister, a coworker, share this episode with her. You truly never know how a conversation can shift someone's perspective or give them exactly what they needed to hear at that right time. This space is about growth, honesty, and seeing life through a bigger, wider lens. And it only grows stronger when we bring other women into it. So follow, share, and keep the conversation going beyond this episode. Until next time, stay open, stay hopeful, and keep living wide eye.