Nobody Told Me It was Okay to Not be Okay”

This episode is one I’ve been carrying for a long time — and I’m finally ready to put it down out loud.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I’m not letting it pass without telling my truth. Today I’m talking about my personal battle with postpartum depression — what it felt like, what it looked like behind closed doors, and what it’s like when the people closest to you tell you to just pray it away, push through it, or fight it on your own.
Nobody told me it was okay to not be okay. So I’m telling YOU.
This one is raw. This one is real. And if you’ve ever been handed a scripture when what you needed was a safe space — this episode is for you. Healing came for me through faith, through professional help, through the people who stayed, and through time. It was layered. And it was worth talking about.
You are not weak for struggling. You are not faithless for needing help. And you are not alone.
📌 Trigger note: This episode discusses postpartum depression and mental health. If you’re in a hard season right now, please listen with care — and know that resources are available. NAMI Helpline: 1-800-950-6264.

Transcript

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Hello, beautiful. Take a breath. You're exactly where you need to be. Welcome to the Big Eye Girl Podcast, a space for real conversations, honest reflection, and learning how to see life through a bigger, wider lens. I'm so glad you're here. Whether you press play because you're searching for clarity, growth, or just a moment to breathe and feel seen, you're in the right place. And around here, we talk about things that shape us the challenges, the shifts, the lessons, and the quiet moments in between that often matter the most. This is a space where you don't have to have it all figured out. You just have to be open. So wherever you are right now, driving, walking, or just sitting with your thoughts, settle in. Take what you need from this conversation and allow yourself to see things a little differently today. Let's get into it. Like you were drowning. But everyone around you just keeps telling you to swim harder. That's where I was, and I stayed silent about it for way too long. But today we're talking about it because May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and I will not let it pass without telling my own truth. But before we get started, I want to do something that will help us walk into it a little bit more grounded. I want us to arrive together because this episode might stir something in you. And that's okay. That means it's working. So let's breathe. Breathe first. Wherever you are, in your cart, at the slime, on a walk, pause for just a second. Breathe in through your nose for four counts. Hold it for seven. And exhilar your mouth for eight. Let's do that together. One more time. Breathe in. Hold and out. Good. You are safe here. So let's go. Welcome to the Big Eye Girl Podcast. Yep, it's your host, Key. I'm a cosmetologist, an educator, entrepreneur, single mom, and a woman who has done the work and still doing the work to become whole. This is a space for women who are healing, growing, and becoming. And today we're getting real. This episode is for every woman who has ever been told, just pray it away to push through it, to be stronger, to let people, to not let people see you struggle. Girl, this is for her. This is for you. And I remember sitting at the table with um one of my uncles and a cousin and a friend of the family. And um I was just heavy. I had been heavy. I had been struggling mentally. Um I was holding a lot of it in. My body was had changed. I had weight on my body that I hadn't had before. Um my hair was different, my skin was different, my appetite was different, but most of all, my mood. My mood and my reactions, the level of guilt that I carry, shame. Oh goodness, y'all, the level of shame was it was I can't even give a scale to how high or how low it was, but it was bad. But I held it in well, so I thought, right? So one day we're just sitting at the table and we're talking, and uh I don't I can't remember how the conversation started. And I believe the friend of family asked, how was I doing? How was how was it, you know, being a mom, what what was I feeling, you know, and I could tell that her intention intention intent behind the question was of Jubilee, like, you know, like oh my god, I know you're happy, this isn't that. And I looked at her and I said, you know, I'm and I thought it was a safe space um to be able to be transparent. And I said, I am struggling with postpartum depression, and they all kind of looked at me like, and I remember my uncle, he kind of didn't he didn't respond quickly, but my cousin and I believe my aunt, one of my aunts was there too. Um, they were just the friend of family responded, she said, no, no, you're gonna speak against that in the name of Jesus, you know, no, we're gonna pray against that, and you pray harder and all the things, and I can remember looking at them and out of just reaction, my body was like agree was just agreeing with them, however, I was not internally in my soul, y'all. No, I was falling apart. And the people that I was telling that I needed help, I was struggling, who I thought that would not just pray for me, but do something. They did not do anything. They told me to basically put it away, to pray on it, to put Jesus on it, and not, don't get me wrong, yes, I did. I had been praying about it, I had been praying about it throughout my whole pregnancy, and I know y'all like you can't have postpartum while you're pregnant. I know, but I was depressed while I was pregnant, so the postpartum was just an add-on that I did not want to add it on, right? But in that moment, I am in despair, and I remember that as I'm talking about it now. I'm just you know you could go back to something, uh particular moment in your life, and you can almost physically feel like you're there, and I physically feel like I'm almost there again, which is crazy, but it's raw and it's just it that's the time that is the moment where I won't say I spiraled out, but I packed everything away. I compartmentalized my emotions. I guess I tried. And with me compartmentalizing my emotions, I just went into some places where I just needed to either have some excitement all the time for my don't mean to be high. Um, because I I was going to church, but then I was trying to find a church home and nothing was fitting. And I was going through these places and these journeys of my life where I was I was like I was searching for me again. I was not told by my family that the woman that I was prior to having my child had died, and that I had I was becoming someone new on top of becoming a mother, and neither one of those things I knew anything about. And I had people around me that I trusted was telling me just to pray about it, or it was conversations like, oh yeah, girl, you're gonna have to get used to, oh, that's that's just how it is, that's just you know, suppressing, suppressing. It was all the comments just stemmed to suppressing it, nothing about acknowledging it, nothing about let's talk about it, let's normalize this conversation, let's see exactly what and why. And this is how this is where you need to get the help. Nothing, y'all. That opened so many things up in my life where I was not dealing with abandonment from my son's father, the shame and guilt of not having him around, not knowing anything about his family, wondering, do they know anything about me and my son? I had a bad I was in a bad space, y'all. Very bad space. And I began to I began to smoke weed again because I needed something to numb my pain. And I never would smoke around my son. I was sneak, I started to sneak and do it just to kind of like help with the it'll help me just become numb. I wanted to become numb. I wanted to help with my anger, help with keeping things in the bottle, so to speak. And my body was keeping score though that I do know, and I knew that all the praying that I was doing, all the crying out, all the honesty that I was giving God. God was still there in that moment, though, talking to me. Because one thing, one thing for sure, two things for certain, I do have a relationship with Christ. I have discernment I'm full of other Holy Ghosts, and I would know when I just couldn't. It'll be moments I remember when I we had I ended up moving from Atlanta and my son was three, and it was just so bad. I moved back home to Detroit and I was staying with my dad, and then I realized at that moment, uh well, I realized after I would say about three weeks of being there that this was about to be a roller coaster. This is not what I thought it was gonna be. I was not really dating because I was trying to make my money, trying to provide for my son, trying to find out who I am, and finding a looking for a community to help me. I was looking for answers. I was seeking, and I was praying, I like God, you gotta help me because the people that I thought that could help me, they can't. They were trying the best what they were trying, they were trying with the best what they had to give me, you know, to offer me. But that wasn't talking about the emotional warfare I was going through, the emotional trauma, the emotional spaces that I was navigating, the mental spaces, the wanting to give up, the wanting to leave, the wanting to die, wanting saying to myself, you know, my son deserves more. He doesn't deserve to be in this type of world where you know his mom has to is struggling and and wasn't just struggling, it wasn't a struggle financial, and though I did do it, I did and have financial hardships. My struggle was so much emotional and mental that it would be times where I didn't want to get out of the bed. It'll be times where dropping him off to school or the pre-well, he wasn't in school, school, he was in preschool, was a relief to my nervous system. It was giving me some balance, it was giving me a moment to breathe, to see, to hear the next step. What's the direction, Lord? Where we're going, what are we doing? Because I knew that I was, it was just me and Jesus. And he was gonna navigate me, take me through these spaces, and be sure that I began to community start to come around me and intersect with my journey, and I would sit and listen and learn and unlearn and learn about um breath work and learn about yoga instilling my body and stretching and doing the things I was starting to embrace the things that I had started in Atlanta before my son. And yoga was one of them that I used to do for a while that would help me, and I would do those things because it helped me stay centered, it helped me stay grounded. I was trying to reattach myself to past relationships, not um relationships with guys, but you know, just relationships with family, friends, and ever, I was still feel so out of place and uncomfortable because again, I'm sitting in a room and people think they're looking at me, they're looking at what I have, and they're like, Oh, you got it together, y'all look so good, you know. Oh my god, you look great, you doing this, your business is this, and they don't know the inside that I was suffering, mentally suffering, and I wanted out, I didn't know how to get out, and because I didn't know how to get out, I knew I just had to keep going until I knew that this was the out until I was like, yeah, this is the out. That out really didn't come, y'all. That out really didn't come until the pandemic. I had a lot of opportunities. I was working for different a different company, still doing hair in a salon. My son was good, he's had a good school, we had you know family around us, things seemed like they were on the up and up. I was in a relationship, but I didn't have disciplines in certain areas, and my boundaries were still, I didn't have enough boundaries. I won't say enough boundaries. I didn't have I didn't exercise my boundaries, I didn't uphold them the way that they should have been upheld. I was disciplined in certain areas of my life, but I had this gap in my soul. It's like you know, have you ever seen the abscess look like abscess is you know, it looks horrible, and usually the wound comes out versus going in. And I'm thinking like abscess on your leg, it's just like a big hole, gooey, bloody, tender, infectiousness, infectious, and that's how I felt like my soul was, and I was doing every little thing to try to mask it, to cover it up, to bandage it, and the little things that I was doing was you know, was keeping it from spreading, but it was still there. My moment where God shook me, and most of the world was the pandemic. Not even gonna lie, that's when God shook me, and that's why I was able to stop running from it because I was running, I was running from the pain, I was running from the shame, I was running from the guilt, I was running from the insecurity, and I was covering up with work and work and more work and um showing up for people and trying to impress people and trying to be the best mom and do all the things for everybody, but I was running from my pain, I was running from it, and people like wow, your postpartum lasted that long when it goes untreated, the depression keeps going in this constant survival state. And that's when I knew during the pandemic I had to sit down. We all had to sit down, most of us. And I took that time and I sat out and I started to tap into my spirit. I began to journal more, write more. I began to say honest things to my partner at the time. And I broke away. I broke up with him. We separated. I got my own space with me and my son. I began to look inward. And when I began to look inward, that's where I can feel like the puzzles, you know how to, you know, on the movies or shows where the puzzle pieces start going together automatically by themselves. That's what I see in the spirit right now. My pieces start coming together. So excuse me. Allow myself to work on myself. I allow myself to rest, to sit down, and to allow the pieces of the puzzle to come back together. The truth is, y'all, in a lot of black families, mental health is not something we talk about openly. We were raised to be strong, to carry it, to take it to God and keep it moving. And there is beauty in that faith, right? But there is also harm in that silence. You're telling someone to just keep going, keep going. You got it, God got you, girl. You're just gonna keep going, keep doing what you're doing. But what exactly are they doing? Because what they're doing may not exactly be what they need that is healthy, they may need to take a nap. They may need to sit on the chair and talk to a therapist during the pandemic. That's when I found a therapist. A whole therapist, honey. Because I needed it. No more. I said, yeah, I can't do this no more. Not like this. I ain't gonna make it. I ain't good for nobody. I don't, I believe faith and therapy are not opposites. God came to save our souls. So yeah, you we can put Jesus on it all day long. But put Jesus on it with a counselor, a therapist. Go speak to your doctor. Let them know what's going on with you emotionally, physically. Don't be ashamed of that. And if I'm speaking to you in this moment, don't be ashamed, sis. Please, if you know someone who may be suffering, especially if they just had a baby, if they just had a baby, check on them. Check on them for the first three years, check on them. Because having a child, whether it's one at a time, two at a time, however, your life changes, and yes, you can be a deep, bona fide, Bible-toting Christian, whatever, whatever faith you are. I'm going to tell you the woman needs to be checked on. She needs someone to come wash her clothes, she needs someone to come wash the clothes for her and the baby, someone to come watch the baby while she goes take a bath. While she go go let her go to get a massage, let her go get her hair done. Let her go get her nails done. Let her go get pampered. Go make the bottles, go clean the kitchen, meal prep for her. Check on her. I remember when I moved out of the house. And she said, You don't have to leave, you can stay here, you can stay here. And I was like, No, no, I can, I can do it, I can do it. I I just felt like I was a burden. Oh, if I knew what I know now, I just felt like I was a burden. So embarrassed, embarrassment and pride will have you go down some streets that you do not, if you can, don't go up it. Humble yourself. And what I mean by humble yourself, I'm not speaking all Churchy, humble yourself. I need the help. I don't know what I'm doing. I'm scared, I'm ashamed, I feel guilty. That's humbling yourself. Admit what those emotions are. That is not sin. That is what Jesus came to save. That is what Jesus, that is what the word is for all these emotions. How to navigate our human, our humanest. What I wish I I wish that in that moment, I wish that I and I had people around me, don't get me wrong. But I'm a strong person. But I really wish I had somebody just to say no, just sit down. Just say no. I just wish I had somebody to tell me no. You stay right here. I know what you're going through. I know what that is. My journey, right? I made it. I made it all the way here to be able to tell you you are not weak for struggling, you are not faithless for needing help, and you are not alone. You never were leaning into God in the moments that I did in those seasons, because there were a lot of seasons, I found myself pushing away the people. I I found myself leaning into people that made me feel good, um, that edified me, that took my mind away from what I was dealing with. I I realized that my me needing alone time to regulate myself, to hear from God was imperative for me. I realized that having structure, having um a schedule for my son and I, and was helpful. I realized that getting professional help was the best reward I the best reward I I gave my myself. Um because it helped me unpack the things that I had compartmentalized. And I had I had unpacked, I had compartmentalized a lot. And I had compartmentalized so much in a room that was already packed up, not even knowing it. Was my mom because she knew, but she also knew that I was strong and she was trying not to like overstep and be burdensome, burning, you know, burdensome, or a mother bear. My friend Melissa would always be honest. Um, my sister who passed, she said something to me one day. I remember getting cussed out by our father on Mother's Day, and she looked at me and she said, Don't you let him break your spirit? And I looked there and I told her I said, I gotta get out of this house with him. Because at that moment I realized how spiritual things were, things, how spiritual things are in our lives that we don't acknowledge. We just think that people are that's how they are, and how mental issues that go undiagnosed and covered up with alcohol or marijuana or toxic behavior. We normalize or we fight through, we constantly fighting through, and I couldn't fight through, and I told her, I said, I gotta get out of here with him. I need my own space. And I remember calling home to Atlanta with my mom and my mom's saying, I'm gonna get you out of there, and she did. My son and I got an apartment, and um it was better, but I also knew God was still trying to work on me, and I was still holding on to a part, a big part about relationships that he was wanting to heal in my emotional in my soul. I can honestly say, these last two years, y'all, that's what these last three years, I finally released it to him. My son is 12 now, and I'm healing in front of him, I'm being made whole in front of him, and that feels good to me. It's scary sometimes because he can he sees things that I don't really want to explain or I don't know how to explain because he's a child, he don't want them to worry because he is a male, and I don't want him to think like this is how all women are because he may not get a woman like his mama, he may or may not, but he will be equipped to know how to help regulate the emotional, the nervous system, talk about the emotional intelligence and be rational and spiritual, he will be well-rounded, and I'm grateful for that. If this episode hit you today, if you heard yourself somewhere in my story, I need you to know that you what you're feeling is real, and you deserve real help, not just be strong, not just pray harder, real layered human help. This week's journal prompts are where have I been silent about my own pain? And what would it mean to tell the truth out loud? If you heard this session, I'm sorry, if you're in a heart season right now, please reach out to the NAMI helpline. That's 1-800-950-NAMI. You don't have to fight alone. I love you. I see you, and I'll meet you right back here next Tuesday. I am keen, and until then, remember to awaken the wide-eyed woman within. Peace. Before you go, I just want to say thank you for being here and choosing to spend this time with me. It really means more than you know. If this episode spoke to you in any way, the best way you can support the Big Eye Girl Podcast is by simply following the show right here where you are listening. That way you never miss a conversation because new episodes drop every week. And if something you heard today made you think of another woman in your life, a friend, a sister, a coworker, share this episode with her. You truly never know how a conversation can shift someone's perspective or give them exactly what they needed to hear at that right time. This space is about growth, honesty, and seeing life through a bigger, wider lens. And it only grows stronger when we bring other women into it. So follow, share, and keep the conversation going beyond this episode. Until next time, stay open, stay hopeful, and keep living wide eye.