🎧 Episode 9: Single & Loving It

Being single isn’t a waiting room.
It’s a life — and a full one at that.

In Episode 9 of Healing Her Soul Podcast, Single & Loving It, I talk about what it really means to be alone without feeling incomplete. Letting go of timelines. Unlearning the idea that partnership defines your worth. And learning how to enjoy your own company without constantly looking for the next relationship.

This isn’t about pretending you don’t desire love — it’s about no longer abandoning yourself while waiting for it.

There’s a difference between being alone and finally being at peace.

Check us out on YouTube. https://www.youtube.com/@HealingHerSoulPodcast

Transcript

SPEAKER_03 0:00

You know, sometimes being a single woman can be looked at as a negative thing. Unfortunately, we don't have the same grace as men do when we are unwed. Today we're diving into the misconceptions of being a single woman and the ability to be able to embrace your singlehood despite of what society has to say about it.

SPEAKER_02 0:28

Hey beautiful ladies, I'm your host Sabrina.

SPEAKER_03 0:53

Thank you so much for joining us here today. I am so excited because today we have a special guest, someone that has been my friend for over 20 years, and I'm so excited to have her on. Her name is Kelda Sr. She is a communications professional and project manager with over 18 years of experience supporting organizations through strategic messaging and coordination. She is a proud Duval native, a graduate of First Coast High School, and an alumina of the University of Central Florida. She is passionate about encouraging women to build confidence, pursue financial independence, and live a life of purpose. I'm so excited for her to be here. Y'all show some love to my girl Kelda Sr.

SPEAKER_00 1:47

Thank you so much for having me. I'm excited to be here. It was a little bit jarring at first when you were like over 20 years of friendship. I'm like, what do you mean I'm only 20? So we've been friends since birth.

SPEAKER_03 2:01

Oh right, right. Yeah, that's it. Well, thank you so much for coming on. I really appreciate this. So I won't keep you long. But today we are going to talk about a really important topic, and that is singlehood and being in your single season, learning how to appreciate your singlehood. And we just want to get some some good gems from you being a beautiful, successful single woman. So the first question I have for you is sometimes and it might be men and women, but sometimes people will say things such as, Why are you single? Is something wrong with you? Like, where is that pressure coming from for women to be in a relationship? And if they're not in a relationship, then that means something's wrong with them.

SPEAKER_00 3:09

I think that narrative is shifting over time. I think mainly because women have a lot more autonomy now than they did decades ago. They have a lot more flexibility as it relates to their career and financial stability. So I think that narrative is shifting about, you know, why are why are some women and men maybe single into their later their later years. I think we're also noticing a shift too in um people's um expectations of relationships as well. I think gone are the days where just having someone to just to say you have someone is sufficient enough. I think both men and women have maybe higher standards for what they want in partnership, what they want in emotional availability and in support. And I think those naturally shifting uh standards, those higher, those higher standards have naturally just sort of like shifted the dating market and partnership in general. Yes, overall it's a very good thing that the narrative is is shifting about around singleness, uh particularly as it relates to women.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

What are some of the things that you feel like you've discovered about yourself being in your season of singleness and I'd say uh without titles, without achievements. If you strip all of that away, like who is Kelda at her core?

SPEAKER_00 4:36

Yes, uh self-discovery for sure has been the the biggest takeaway from from singleness. And self-discovery is multifaceted. It it goes beyond just learning about what I like to do for for work. Um work is secondary. It's more about the deeper work, understanding who I am as a person, understanding how life experiences, how how how childhood experiences may have shaped me, um, and also learning more about people around me, learning about other humans, other relationships, getting more into understanding the psyche of other people, why why we do what we do and how we do it. Um, those are all really fascinating and very interesting topics to dive into. And when you're uncumbered with, you know, the obligations of serving, you know, in a traditional relationship setting, you have a lot of time to really explore and learn about and go deep within yourself. Um, this is a great and excellent time for therapy, which I'm a huge proponent of. Um, unpacking maybe some things that may have happened to you over your life. This is an ideal season for that, growing in your faith, um, building your finances, cultivating better friendships, expanding your friendship circles. There's lots of things to do during this season of singleness. And so for me, uh this season has certainly been defined as one of self-discovery.

SPEAKER_03 6:04

What do you think are the biggest misconceptions of being a single woman?

SPEAKER_00 6:09

The biggest for sure is that it's a season of depravity, hopelessness, and loneliness. Uh, you're broke, you're bored, you have nowhere to go, nothing to do, and no one to do it with. And that you're also destined for a life of cats. Um obviously, none of those things are true. Although the neighbor's cat has tried to make a home on my porch, and so I've now implemented some strategies to keep him away because I don't want to be uh the the the cat lady. And so um we've got some different things to to keep him to keep him off the porch, but this is certainly not a single a season of depravity. This is actually a time where you can be completely selfish and it be okay. It's a time where you can be completely self-focused and it be okay. You are free to learn and try different things, to go different places, to do things that you've always wanted to do, but maybe you were a little bit hesitant because you thought you needed to have a partner to do it with. Again, the best time for therapy, the best time for growing in your faith, the best time to start that side hustle or to modify that business to gain some extra income on the side. The best, the best time to get serious about your health and your fitness. Singleness is the ideal time to recalibrate, particularly if you just exited a relationship, or maybe you're just in a season of just quietness with either yourself, or maybe it's yourself and your children. This is the ideal time to get closer to God and to get closer to yourself. So I would say don't waste it.

SPEAKER_03 7:51

And I'll speak of God, do you feel like your relationship with God has had a tremendous effect on yourself as far as being a single woman and making sure that you are avoiding any type of uh toxic relationship, unhealthy relationship? Do you feel like God being a foundation for you has really helped you?

SPEAKER_00 8:15

Absolutely. Absolutely, because getting more into scripture, you begin to discover who you really are in Christ. The scripture is very clear, very clear descriptions about your identity and discovering who you are, discovering your purpose in life. And that can only be found through reading and understanding the scripture and through through that text. And so absolutely growing in your faith also allows you just to become very clear about who you are and your own identity outside of any external validation, outside of someone giving you the approval that you that you look pretty or that you're doing a good job, or that they're proud of you, or or some man or another friend that's you know, kind of constantly that need for that constant approval really diminishes when you get very clear and very serious about who you are in Christ and your own identity. So most certainly uh growing in my faith and having that as an anchor and a foundation has certainly been a shield and a support system for me during this season.

SPEAKER_03 9:22

And I'll add to that the fact that it is significant for you to have a relationship with God when you are single, especially when you are aiming to be in a relationship, when you're aiming to be a wife, be in a marriage, because when you don't know your identity as a single woman, you're not gonna know your identity as a married woman. And those same issues and feelings of loneliness and everything that you're experiencing and feeling, you're gonna feel that when you get married. Because you have to understand that that that other individual, your spouse, they are not here to fulfill your every need, they cannot make you happy. Happiness is so fleeting, but it definitely comes from within, and your identity comes from your relationship with Christ. And so I think it's very significant for us to understand that just being here, just existing as a human being, whether you're male or female, it it's that's that's the reason why you're valuable. Not because you're in a relationship, not because you have a man, not because of your riches or whatever the case may be. Like you are valuable just being you that all alone. That that's it. You don't need anything else. You don't need a man, you don't need a woman, you don't need accolades, you don't need achievements. All of that stuff is nice, but it's not, it doesn't make you you, it doesn't give you your identity. So I think it's definitely important for single women to acknowledge that they have to know how to truly love themselves before they get into a marriage because there is a such thing as being in a marriage and feeling lonely. The fact that you are at the age where you are now, you're unmarried and you don't have children. And uh there's you know, some people that might say there's an issue there, you know, there's uh maybe it's it's not uh as acceptable for some people, because in their minds, they're thinking traditionally, well, you should be married by now, or you should have children by now. Or sometimes people even say men specifically will say, Well, if you don't have any children, then you you might not be responsible, you know. So I don't know if I really want you in my world because you don't you don't know what it's like to have real responsibility because you don't have children. What do you have to say to all that foolishness?

SPEAKER_00 12:04

Well, maybe it's maybe it may not be foolishness, right? Like maybe there is something to be said about if you are someone with um a child, you would want to partner with someone else with a child. That's a perfectly valid, I think, um, request or requirement in in dating and relationships. Um, of course, I could say the same thing about maybe not wanting someone with um with children, but that's not necessarily a requirement for me. I think I think where where where these types of thoughts or these types of of scenarios can be can be maybe not as effective is when we are rigid in our approach to just being open and connecting with other people. I think that's where we we we run into issues. And so um I think for for for me and maybe some other single women or maybe other women who who don't have children in this season, I think again it goes back to what are you doing with this time and how are you maximizing this season? Because you won't get this season back. Whether you whether you are married again or if you or if you have children, by any by whatever means you pursue motherhood, there's lots of different means now. Um, you won't get a a season back where you are completely able to focus on you and your relationship with God. So how can you maximize this season to its fullest capacity? Blocking out all of the noise, blocking out what society may say or what uh or what criticisms may be, that's all just external noise. Uh most of those things you can't control. You it requires another autonomous human being to get into partnership with. And even then it's a continual, it's continual work and it's continual self-sacrifice. That's the biggest thing that I've learned as well through uh through just talking to other married women and other people and men and women in partnership is that to do this right is a daily sacrifice. Like Christ talks about dying to self. Marriage and partnership requires dying to self every day, but not just every day, multiple times a day. That's how it's been described to me. And that's really powerful. And so when we really stop and kind of think about the responsibility and the weight that it's required for partnership and all of these roles, I think it it encourages us even more to do the work on ourselves so we can be the best, the very best versions of ourselves for those around us. Not perfectionism, because that's not possible, but how can I be the best version of myself right now? And if we get hyper-fixated on that, it will help to block out all of the noise that that could be around us for sure.

SPEAKER_03 14:48

Yeah, yeah. I will say that when I was single, I I struggled a lot because I had this mindset that you know a man was going to make me whole, a man was going to make me happy, a man was going to make me significant and bring, you know, value, you know, and so and although uh part having a partner, it does bring value to your life and it can bring happiness, I had to understand that a lot of that stuff I had to already have. I had to already have within me. And you know, when I finally got to the reasoning as to why I was linking my worth and value to a man, that is when I received my breakthrough. And that was in therapy, releasing all of the childhood trauma and you know, all the things that I went through and experienced, and gaining an understanding that, oh my gosh, I have been linking my self-worth to a man because I didn't get the love that I needed to get and that I was supposed to get from my father as a child. And so here I've been year after year, time after time, you know, trying to get that that high. It's like, you know, this temporary high. I'm trying to get my fix, and it's it's the fix is love. Yeah, because I was missing it for so many years, and I kept running into these very toxic men because I was unhealthy. I wasn't in a very healthy place emotionally and spiritually and all of that. And so that's why I think it's so significant. I wasted so many years of my life not being where I needed to be because I was just holding on to all of that stuff. I was holding on to all of that, and I kept chasing that temporary high instead of trusting God and saying, I know that God wants the best for me. And it was hard for me to trust God because I experienced so much bad. And it was just like, how can I trust a God that allowed all that stuff to happen to me? And I had to understand that it wasn't God's fault. This wasn't a situation where God was punishing me. Right, this is the fault of someone that was messed up and they messed me up, you know, and so I had to let that go. I had to forgive those people in my past, and I had to really dive deep into loving myself for all of my greatness, but even more, all of my flaws, all of the negative things about me. I had to learn to love those things and not make it seem like I'm worthless because I have these failures and I have these flaws. You know, and once I got to that point, it was like I started dating a different caliber of men. And it was like, this is really nice, you know. And I stopped letting things that could potentially be harmful in the long run go because I'm thinking, oh, that's something small, you know, maybe it's not that big of a deal. Maybe he might change in the future. No, I stopped dating potential and I started looking at men for who they are at that moment. At that moment, this is you. Can I live with this for the rest of my life? Wow. And if I can't, I said goodbye. This is gonna work for me. I don't care if we was dating for two weeks, for a month, three months, whatever. I was just like, yeah, this is done. And I wasn't rude about it. I was kind and said thank you for your time. I really appreciate it. I had a great time, but this isn't gonna work for me. You know, we have to have boundaries and we have to stand up for ourselves. And that was the only reason why I ended up getting to a place where I was able to meet my husband, because it was like I knew what I wanted. I knew exactly what I wanted. And when we started talking, I told him from day one, I was like, This, I'm not accepting this, that, or the other. And if any of this foolishness comes up, we're done. Wow. Okay, and so we have to be very clear about our boundaries and and what we want in our lives. Kilda, thank you so much for all that you've shared today. I really appreciate your insight, and I'm so thankful for you as a friend. We've been friends for many, many years, and I'm very thankful for your friendship. I think it's important that we not only, you know, be grateful for our romantic relationships, but we should be grateful for our relationships with our girls. Yes, you know, like that that is so significant, and and just it means so much to me that I have such friendships that elevate me and encourage me. And I've always experienced that from you. I've always experienced just nothing but just like love and support. And you just you you're just one of those women that you can be around and you just ended up, you end up feeling like you can fly. You're like, yes, I can do it, I can do it. Like that is the vibe that you give me every time we hang out. It's like we can go months without talking to each other, and then we get together, and it's like no time has passed.

SPEAKER_01 20:50

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 20:50

And I'm just so thankful for your friendship. I thank you for supporting me. And, you know, even with this podcast, I remember getting on the phone with you and and talking to you. And I'm like, girl, I don't know what I want to do with my life. I'm stuck, I'm confused, you know. And you were just so helpful to guide me through just considering what I wanted to do. And I just wanted to take a minute to give you your flowers and tell you thank you. I really appreciate the investment that you've had in my life over all of the years that we've been friends. So thank you for being on this podcast today.

SPEAKER_00 21:27

Yes, thank you for having me. Thank you for the years of friendship as well. It's been really, really rewarding to see you just blossom, to see you blossom into the woman that you are today, and that you're gonna continue to blossom into, and that you're not just fixated on yourself, you're doing this to help other women, to help all of us, because we all need that constant encouragement and that constant like mirror in our face as a reflection of what where we've come from, but also where we should be aspiring to go. So um, congratulations and I look forward. To continuing to see you continue to blossom and help other women along their journey.

SPEAKER_03 22:05

Thank you. I appreciate that. Um, do you have any last words for our single women out there?

SPEAKER_00 22:10

I do. Ladies, as we've discussed in this episode, become hyperfixated on yourself. Not in an arrogant, narcissistic way, but in a self-care, self-preservation way. Because we can only be as good for our friends, our future romantic partners, the community. We can only be as good for them as we can be for ourselves. So get in therapy, get back into church, whether it be a traditional way or through some kind of a Bible study, get into a faith-based, biblical faith-based community that supports and that is the real deal, and get in the gym. Those are the biggest things you can do for your self-care, for your self-love, and uh continue to know that you are enough, you are more than enough, whole and complete, just as you are without anyone else or without any external validation. So we got this, ladies. Keep going forward.

SPEAKER_03 23:05

Yes, amen. I love that. Thank you for sharing that. And thank you for my audience. Thank you so much for listening. Thank you for everyone that has supported me for this first season of Healing Her Soul. If you're not had the opportunity to listen to the previous episodes, I encourage you to please go back and do so. Um, thank you so much for being here. I am going to take a little break, but I will be back soon. I'll have some more guests on, and we're just gonna keep loving and being in this community of emotional and spiritual support. So thank you, thank you, thank you.