an ode to season one

in this very bittersweet solo episode, i reflect on the past few months of podcasting and talk about what i loved and hated! i also go through my service industry timeline from start to finish and rank each place i worked at + talk about 2025 being the worst year of my life lol. sadly, this episode concludes season 1 of club therapy although season 2 is coming soon :) Although this is not the end, this episode was so emotional to film because this podcast is so special to me and its been so amazing seeing it grow into what it is now. Thank you all for listening and follow @clubtherapypod on insta for updates on season 2! Xx- Emi 

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Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:01

You are now tuned into Club Therapy with Emily Chan. It's been such a treat being able to have meaningful conversations with old friends, um, new ones, um, and new ones over the past season. And I'm so grateful for this podcast, for the people it has um brought me closer to and for what it has taught me. So I'm reading off my phone a little bit. I prepared like a little bit of a speech for you guys. But uh, you might notice that the studio looks a little bit different today because I'm doing my very first solo episode. It's funny because I initially had the intention to kind of film this podcast as like a whole, like like a solo podcast. And the very first time I came into the studio, I filmed um, I was gonna film like a 40-50-minute episode. That was my intention. And I sat down and I talked for 10 minutes, and it was honestly so much harder than I thought it was gonna be. And I decided after that that I was just gonna kind of have guests on and mostly have guests like for the rest of the season. So this feels like a little bit intimidating, you know. Um, please bear with me today as I navigate my first solo episode with you all and share what I've learned over the past few months, tell you a little bit more about my service industry experience. I'm gonna rate all the places I worked at as well, and tell you a bit more about the hellish year that I had in 2025. So, hi, welcome back to Club Therapy. I missed you guys and I hope you miss me. Um, I'm joined in the studio today with my lovely uh podcast uh engineer, Steve. He's here too. Um, he's here for moral support and also to make sure that the pod, like the microphone sounds good. He's actually been here for a lot of my episodes. He's the best. He's my favorite podcast engineer, may I say. Thanks, Steve. But yeah, I wanted to just kind of reflect on the past few months with you guys. Um, I, you know, wanted to go over some of the pros of having this podcast, some of the downsides of having this podcast. You can see I'm like, I'm not actually even sweating right now. I just I feel like I'm really glowy right now. Um, it is hot as fuck, actually, in the studio. Um, it's really hot in here right now, so we're kind of dying a little bit, but it's okay. It's okay. It's fine. It's fine. It's good actually. It's good. Um, but yeah, I wanted to go over some of the pros and kind of like some of the things that I learned um about myself and just about podcasting in general over the past few months. So I think the biggest thing was it helped me confront some of my anxiety, you know. Um, we'll talk more about this later, but or I'll talk more about this later. But I was so anxious last year, and I I mean I still am quite anxious. Um, I had the worst year of my life in 2025, and we're going to get into that, but doing this podcast kind of made me um go outside of my comfort zone a little bit. It helped me feel like just a bit more confident with, you know, speaking publicly and putting myself out there. Um, but it really pushed me out of my comfort zone, you know. It pushed me to, you know, speak about things that I really care about. It's pushed me to, yeah, just be out of my comfort zone, which has been good. And no, it's been good. It's been good. It's weird being perceived though. I feel like I'm a I'm kind of an open book. And if you're my friend, you know this. I feel like I talk all the time. I feel like I'm I'm one of those people to like if you meet me, like I'll tell you my whole life story right off the bat and I'll tell you my deepest, darkest secret. I'll I'll literally I did that yesterday. I was I was in an Uber. I was going to an appointment and I was telling my Uber driver about how I was feeling that day, and I was telling him about some just like really personal shit. And I feel like, you know, I am an open book, but when you put yourself out there like this on a podcast, you're opening yourself up to being perceived. And something about me is I really care about my reputation. I have for a really long time now, and I still do, and it's so important to me. And I think especially in the service industry, it's good to care about your reputation. And honestly, I think if anywhere, honestly, it is good to like be conscious about your reputation. And the thing is, I know that um most people resonate with what I'm saying in like this podcast, but not everyone does. And so yeah, putting myself out there to be perceived is like scary, but it's pushed me out of my comfort zone, and I'm really grateful that I'm able to do this. I feel like you're gonna hear grateful a lot during this um episode. So take a shot every time you hear grateful. Um, I think this podcast also reminded me that I am smart um and I have important knowledge to share with people who are in the same environment as me. And so for a really long time now, I feel like ever since I was like maybe 15, I started doing really badly in school. And then I went to university and I was just kind of like getting by because um I took a buck ton of Adderall, to be honest with you. I was on the max dose of Adderall. I would like, I would just take Adderall like all the time. I would, you know, drink a ton of coffee. I mean, I think I still could have been successful in school without Adderall, but at the point I was at in my life, like I just don't know if I could have gotten my life together to the point where I would have been able to do well in school. And so Adderall like helped me so much. But to be honest, like I just haven't really felt smart for like over 10 years, you know, even though I I know I have my master's and my bachelor's, and um I feel like I have really good conversations with people. Um, and I am a therapist and I feel like I, you know, I know to some degree I am smart, but just talking about, you know, my knowledge in like a pub on like a public platform has reminded me that I'm smart. I I know what I'm doing, I know what I'm talking about. I don't know everything, of course, who does, but yeah, that's that just felt really good. And it's reminded me about that part of myself that I used to really value when I was younger and when I was growing up, I used to think I was so smart. My parents would tell me all the time, like, Emmy Chan, you're so smart. And it's funny because my boyfriend says that to me now all the time. It feels like a bit of a full circle moment. But yeah, that's that's been like a wonderful pro from this. Um, I think the maybe not the last thing, one of the other things that um this podcast has taught me, and I one of the pros kind of from this podcast, I think it's made years of industry experience um feel productive and valuable. And so I don't know, I feel like that's a bit of an interesting take. Uh no, I'm not saying that the service industry isn't productive and valuable because it is like I wouldn't be here without it, to be honest with you. However, I think there is this belief that in the service, like working in the service industry is unproductive and it doesn't lead to anywhere and it doesn't give you any special skills. And I now like really definitely like looking back, I disagree with that. I think I've learned so much from being in the service industry. Like I've learned how to, it's helped me um, you know, feel comfortable talking to people and like diverse people as well. But yeah, I think sharing this, sharing the things that I've learned over the years and having guests come onto the podcast and talk about um their experiences too. Like I'm hoping that we can use everything that we've learned and you know, share it with you guys so that, you know, if someone's listening to this for the first time and they're, you know, or they're they're thinking about getting into the service industry, they have like a bit of background knowledge and a bit of a bit more information about it, right? So they can like kind of go into the industry and feel a bit more prepared. I wish someone like sat me down before I started in the industry and had the conversation that I've been having with all my guests over the season. Um, that would have been amazing because I learned so many things the hard way and I want to avoid having that happen to other people in the future. So yeah, I don't know. I think that I'm I'm glad that I can use my um industry experience and kind of put it to good use. I think that's another pro as well. I was thinking about this last night. I was brainstorming last night. I was like, what are some there's because there's been so many pros, right? This is this is another one that I love. I think the last thing that this podcast has given me, and I think the most important thing that this podcast g has given me, is a space to talk about what's on my mind, um, what was bothering me and what like also a space to kind of talk about my relationship. Over the years, there's been so many rumors about my relationship and about me and about, you know, just different things. Uh, but yeah, I think just knowing that I have this space that I can use if I want to to talk about how I'm feeling or my mental health or issues like in my personal life or my, you know, work life, like I can just do that. And, you know, people are listening, and I I really, really value that. Having, you know, um, I just actually hit 270 subscribers the other day, a couple days ago, which, yay, right, Steve, yeah, yay, which is awesome. I mean, I just started in January, and so I know that might not seem like a lot to a lot of you, but to me that every single person that's subscribing and every single person that's viewed my podcast makes me feel so important and so valuable. And yeah, I either way, it just it feels nice speaking and knowing that people are listening. That's uh been really, it's been really healing for me, actually. I feel like I really needed that because sometimes I feel like I don't journal or anything. So I feel like this is almost like a visual, a visual like audio, yeah, diary almost, right? Like I'm talking about over some of the last like few episodes, I've been talking about like things that have happened and um whether they're like recent things that have happened or past things that have happened. Just feels really good. It feels really like cathartic to kind of get that out there. So yeah, I think those are some of the biggest pros that have kind of come from this podcast. Um, so as you can see, I'm absolutely like loving it, but it hasn't always been easy, to be honest with you. Um, and it hasn't always been good either. There's been a lot of cons, of course, as well. Definitely the pros are way the cons rose. I mean, I wouldn't be here right now. I would be like, okay, fuck this. And I would have stopped filming um a few episodes ago. I think the biggest con for me right now, actually, maybe not the biggest one, one of them, is making content. So making content and marketing my podcast has been really time consuming. Keep in mind, I'm a full-time therapist. This podcast has been very time consuming and making content is very time consuming. Marketing yourself is time consuming. And I am a full-time therapist. I am also a part-time bottle service girl. I still, you know, make the schedule at AMP. I anything to do with the service at AMP, I'm I'm on it. I help Cameron a lot with AMPM related stuff, unpaid, just because I love him. But I'm I'm busy and making content has been hard to do. It's funny, it's making content and trying to find, you know, or trying to find moments that are like clippable and trying to like make reels that have high engagement is so challenging. And it's actually made me feel really old. Um, when I was younger, I felt like, I don't know, I felt like so tax savvy. Like I would be on Tumblr, I'd be changing like, I would be like coding things to like change my Tumblr like website, like my Tumblr page to like really personalize it and customize it. And now I feel so old. I feel like a dinosaur actually trying to clip something from my whole video and uh make it like TikTok or Instagram like viral. It's it's so hard to do. Um and it does take a lot like a lot of time to make like good content. And so that's been something that I've really struggled with because um, yeah, there are days where I'm just so tired from doing therapy and I'm like, fuck, I have to make a reel. Or I should not I have to, but I should make a reel. I ideally try to make like five reels per per episode and then post some like over like the span of two weeks. And then I normally try to make a few uh videos myself, but it's hard. A lot of the times, like to be honest with you, I actually don't really like being on camera, which is funny because of course I have a podcast, but yeah, I don't really like being on camera, and so um I'm actually very self-conscious, which which uh I'll talk a bit more about, but yeah, that's been that's been kind of challenging as well. It's just been time consuming. And even taking the time to film um these episodes and taking the time to watch the entire episode and make my edit notes and then taking the time to like write the episode description, like everything takes time and it's been really fulfilling, but at the same time, it is very time consuming. Like I've definitely had some moments where I've been burnt out or felt like close to burnout over the last uh few months, but we're working on finding the balance. We're working on finding the balance. So I think something else um that maybe hasn't been as good throughout the last couple months is like this podcast has made me feel a bit more self-conscious, you know, at times. Um, it's really weird seeing yourself on camera and it's really easy to pick yourself apart, especially when you're watching the same video over and over and over. Yeah, it's made me a bit more self-conscious about the way I speak. There's some things I say all the time, like you know, or like, and I'm really trying to work on that. I when I'm making my edit notes, I'm just cringing the whole time, like listening to myself. I just want to, you know, it's bad. Um, and then it's also made me realize some of my physical, you know, or it's made me kind of like notice some of the things that I don't like about myself as much like physically, because I'm just watching myself on camera for sometimes hours, right? Like when I'm trying to make my edit notes or I'm like finding moments to clip. Um, I'm watching myself over and over and over. And it has made me self-conscious, especially when I film from that, like you guys know I'm normally sitting on like this chair, I'm pointing, like you can see it, but it's just off screen. When I'm normally sitting in my normal seat, you you just see like one side of my face, and it's actually my bad side. So we're gonna have to work on that for the next season. But it's made me really self-conscious. It actually, it for a while I was really self-conscious about having a double chin because I kept watching my episodes back and I was like, oh my God, I have a double chin. And it actually led me to getting, you know, and I'm gonna be transparent about it, a tiny bit of jaw botox right here. Um, I love my injector. Her name is Nurse Tiff. She's a good friend of mine. I've never touched like fillers or anything like that. Um, not to say that that's a bad thing. However, I've just really done like Botox for me. And so I normally get like a tiny bit in my forehead, but this is the first time I did job jaw botox, and um, it's supposed to kind of like lift. I don't know if you guys can see, it's supposed to like lift here. It's supposed to like, it's supposed to like kind of snatch your jaw a little bit and get rid of your double chin. But to be honest, I probably wouldn't have gotten that done if I wasn't watching myself on camera so often, you know. I actually do really love it, and I'm kind of glad I got it done at the end, but it's just interesting. It had this podcast made me feel like a little bit more self-conscious. It made me notice my physical flaws a little bit more. And everyone has some and it's not a bad thing, but uh yeah, definitely a con. Definitely a con, I must say. I'm gonna fix this a tiny bit. Yeah. Um, okay, I think another con is uh starting something new is cringy. And I've talked about this a lot, and it feels really embarrassing putting yourself out there at first. I um get so embarrassed sometimes, like even just posting a reel or posting something on my story. Sometimes, like, I I try really try not to, because I hate when people ask me, but I've asked a few of my friends to comment on things or post things on their story, just like my close, close friends, and I've only asked like maybe like one or two times, and not all of them, just again, a couple of them. But what's been really nice is a lot of people have been doing it anyways. But it feels kind of embarrassing having to ask sometimes, or not having to ask, but asking sometimes. Um, but yeah, it just feels cringy starting something new, you know. When I first started my podcast, I only had like like 40 subscribers on YouTube for the first like month and a bit. Uh my Instagram page like still has like I I think it's like okay considering it just started in January, but it only has like 1500 followers right now, which is not bad. But, you know, um it's tough not to compare yourself to other podcast uh platforms that have like way more followers, way more subscribers. And I don't know, it just feels cringy sometimes. Sometimes I'm even liking my own podcast like reels and stuff like that on my podcast page from my personal page. And I'm like, what the hell am I doing? You know, it just it's just embarrassing a little bit, but that's okay. That's okay. Cringe is in, cringe is good, being embarrassed, like who really cares at the end of the day? Like, at least I'm doing something versus uh the opposite, which is not, you know. I think the biggest thing, this is the biggest con, I must say, is feeling rejected. And so I think when I first started this podcast, I was under the impression that everyone would be down to come on my podcast. Like who would say no to me? I know I have so many friends in the service industry, I know so many people in the service industry. Um, but yeah, I faced a lot of rejection. I've asked a lot of people that I kind of thought would come on to my podcast to come on, and they have they've said no, you know, and they've sometimes given me reasons, sometimes they haven't. And it's just like hard not to take that personally. Even my own boyfriend loves him, but he's a bit of an introvert and he's never done a podcast before. And he's he said he's gonna come on one day, so let's all hold him to that. But he said no. And even like I was kind of hoping to film the last episode of my season, which is what this is. We'll talk more about that later, but I was kind of hoping to film that film that with him, and yeah, that's not happening, so that's why I'm here alone, you guys. Uh, either way, facing rejection is never fun, and it's hard not to take that personally. Um, but I think it's good because you know, to see the silver lining, like it has made me um a bit more resistant to rejection. I'm not as impacted by it now. And I understand like people say no to things for different reasons. I I've said no to going on to other people's podcasts or doing other things before too. And um, I understand it's it's mostly not personal, and even if it is, nothing I can do about that, you know? But yeah, okay, those are my pros and cons of or pros and cons and kind of just like a a bit of a reflection of the past couple of months. It's been really, really fulfilling though, overall. I feel like it's giving me a sense of purpose that I've uh lacked for a while, to be honest with you. And so even though this is just a hobby, I one day, who knows where this could just be like a hobby, honestly, for the foreseeable future. We'll see where this takes me. But um, overall, very fulfilling. Nine out of ten would recommend to someone, although I feel like everyone has a podcast nowadays. Um, but yeah, yeah. And so kind of just to tell you a little bit about like what it looks like on the back end of podcasting, you know, um, what I kind of do and how I prep for these episodes. Like I have a guest, like I actually have a huge, huge, huge list of guests. So I have guests that I want to come on. Um, and I dream big too, okay. I've I have some big names on there, but I have like a ginormous list of guests that I want to come on. And then I've also had some people like asked to come on the podcast, and some people have like recommended other people to come on the podcast. And so I just kind of keep it all in this one big list and I keep track of who's interested in um yeah, who's interested in coming on and who's down, who's not, um, what's realistic, what's not, kind of what topics I'd go into with different guests, etc. And so then what I do is I normally DM people and that's how I reach out to them. Um, most people I have on like Instagram, especially like my service industry friends. Um, and yeah, I reach out to them via Instagram. And then I normally come up with a tentative outline um a few days before the episode, before I film the episode, basically. And so I kind of like have like a bit of like a I have like a few questions that I kind of lay out that hopefully lead to like bigger discussions. And sometimes like, you know, I don't even look at the outline at all, to be honest. Like sometimes a conversation just happens and it's beautiful and it works, and I don't even look at the outline. Um, but yeah, I have a list of guests and then I create this outline. I normally send it to the guests, um, whoever I'm interviewing or whoever's coming on my podcast a few days before they come on. And uh sometimes people don't like that. Sometimes people just want to be in the moment, they want to be present and answer things like kind of more authentically. But most people kind of like knowing what they're getting into. And I also want to make sure my guests feel really comfortable as well. Like I know for myself I would feel really blindsided with like a really invasive question right off the bat. So um, yeah, I just want to make sure everyone feels comfortable before they come on. So generally I try to send people the outline if they ask for it um ahead of time or like kind of give them like what questions I'm gonna be kind of asking them ahead of time. And then um the night before I film, I normally freak out a little bit. I got really nervous. Um, I'm getting less and less nervous though the more I film. Even today, I wasn't feeling too nervous about it about filming today. Maybe it's because I'm also just doing this alone now. But I've noticed like a huge change from when I first started to now. Like my very first episode I filmed here, I was so nervous. I was like shaking nervous. And now I feel so calm. I love it. It's great. But yeah, normally the night before an episode, I do freak out a little bit. Um, I get really nervous. I feel, and I feel like that up until the moment I start filming. And I feel like once I'm actually there and I'm filming, I that anxiety just totally dissipates, which is amazing. Um, I've been really lucky to have the guests that I've had on. I feel like a lot of the uh all of the people that I've come on so far are people I'm very comfortable with. They're people I I know and you know have been friends with for a bit now or a while now. So um that always that nervousness, that anxiety, it just goes away really quickly, which is awesome. And then after that, I, you know, get the I get the content, I send it to my editor, then I make edit notes, and then um my editor takes those edit notes, she edits everything. She's amazing. Her name's Sierra Madison, by the way, you guys. She has an amazing network called See You Next Tuesday with our other friend Christine Shaw. We love them. Um, they are honestly two of the best girls I've met in the last like year. Um, I actually met them through a mutual friend of ours named Grace Guan. Um, and they they're amazing. Like when I first um kind of was like really thinking about this podcast, I messaged um Christine and she called me for, and again, keep in mind, we've never met before. She We've never really spoken. She called me for an hour or two and gave me like so many important tips for starting a podcast. And then she connected me with Sierra, who is my editor and who's also like I think I think they're best friends as well. Um, but yeah, they've been so amazing. They've been so supportive and helpful. And I honestly feel like I wouldn't have started a podcast without them. They were very empowering as well. They told me, they were like, you know, this is babe, this is a good idea. Like you should start a pod, like get in, like, let's get into it. Like we want to hear what you have to say. So love them. And then yeah, once I get, once I get the um the edited version of the podcast, I normally come up with a name. I don't know if you guys saw the names of my podcast. I try to be really cheeky with the names. I like to be, I always like the names to I like the titles of the episodes to be like kind of like not rhyme, but like have like a nice ring to them. And then I make an episode description, and then it normally takes like a little bit to upload on YouTube and um my RRS feed, which is where people upload podcasts to, and it takes like about an hour or two, and then it's done. But that's just like that's just kind of what the process looks like. So it definitely is like again, it is time consuming, and people do this all the time, but that doesn't take away from how time consuming this can be, to be honest with you. Yeah, just want to tell you guys about that, just so you guys can have like a little behind the scenes of like what it go what goes into, you know, having a podcast. Especially I'm doing all this alone. I mean, not fully alone. I have Steve here, my podcast engineer. Um, and then we also have like my editor, but mostly doing this, I'm mostly doing this alone, keep in mind. Um, but yeah, I think the next thing that I wanted to get into a little bit was like some of my service industry experience because I feel like I've talked about my industry experience sporadically um throughout, you know, my last nine episodes, but I haven't really gotten into um or kind of giving you guys a bit of a timeline of my service industry experience because I have been in the industry for so long, which is why I feel qualified to speak on it, you know? Um, so I've been in the industry for 10 plus years. I started when I was 15. I was so little, I was so nervous. I can't believe I was hired as a server. It's insane to me that someone saw me at 50 and then they're like, they're like, yeah, this like incredibly anxious girl would be an amazing server, but they did, thank God. And so I started working at a Palestinian restaurant and a Thai restaurant that were like two blocks away from each other in on Hastings Street in Vancouver. I was working there for a little bit. I was so nervous. I I realized kind of at that point in my life serving maybe wasn't for me. Um, and yeah, I honestly wasn't very good at it, to be honest with you. Um, but I started like maybe when I was not 50, maybe like 16. Maybe yeah, 60. I was probably around 16 when I started doing that. And then after that, I moved to Toronto when I was 17. I moved here completely alone. Um, and I started working um in, I think it was the end of first year university. Uh, might have been the start of second year university, sometime around then. I started working as a host um at this place called The Citizen, which we've talked about before. I was there for two years. Um, I was hosting, I was doing co-check as well. Like this was one of those places that starts at like it like opens at like five o'clock. It's like a restaurant up until 10, and then it turns into like a club. I honestly really loved this job. I feel like it taught me so much, and I made such amazing friends from this job. Like, oh, it was honestly such a funny job as well. It was like so unserious. It was, it was so random. Um, my friend, my really good friend Talia, she got me the job there. She was serving there at the time, and she was like, oh, like you should work here. And um, yeah, it was it was like the most random place ever, but I loved it. I would honestly, if I was to rate it, I'd give it like a nine out of ten. I'd get, yeah, I'd give it a nine out of ten. I really, really love this place. I worked there for about two years, and then I went to King Taps after that. I think I can't remember if it was right after, I think it was like maybe a few months after I took a bit of a break, went to King Taps and I hosted there for a couple of months. I hated it. So I would give this place a oh, I'd rate it like a three out of ten, a four out of ten. Most of the people there were quite nice. Like they were not even quite nice, they were nice, but like it felt like very surface level there with like a lot of people. And I feel like that, I and I think I've said this before in other episodes, but that was a place that made me realize that I really didn't like working in like a corporate setting. They really make it if you're hosting, if you're kind of coming in to an environment like that for the first time, they really make you feel like you're at the bottom of the pyramid. And it was such an awful feeling. Um, I really didn't like that. And I feel like uh I was kind of lied to a little bit too. I was told, like, oh, if I hosted for a couple months, I'll I can serve, especially because I had some past serving experience from when I was younger. Um yeah, I thought I was gonna be able to serve, and I ended up just like hosting and greeting and seating people for a couple months. And yeah, there's also like weird drama in Jealousy. I remember I had like a, she wasn't like a manager, she was like a shift manager. I feel like she was like really weird with me because I was, I don't know, I feel like she was weird with me. I feel like she was like jealous because I was her her boyfriend worked there at the time and he was so nice and he was really nice to like me, but not in like a weird way, just like in a genuine kind way, you know. But I feel like she was weird about that. So she did like weird things to, you know, not not like punish me, but she just said weird, like weird passive aggressive things, you know, that I felt. So three out of 10. Yeah. Wouldn't recommend. I heard though places like Earl's and Cactus Club, though, are like a little bit better. Maybe not Earl's Cactus Club. I heard it's like a bit better. Um, and honestly, I had high hopes for King Taps as well, but even the uniforms, like you're wearing like this fugly, boxy black t-shirt that kind of goes to your hip, like it's kind of ugly, especially for women. I think it's not very flattering. You had to wear like black skinny jeans um and like a weird apron. And I think like running shoes, like it's just like such an ugly outfit, you know? And you're also right in the middle of the financial district as well. So you're dealing with like finance bros like all day, and like it's crazy. Like you'd open the doors at a I think it was 11 a.m. That's when we open, and you'd have just like a horde of finance bros coming in. And it's just like that's a lot at 11 a.m. You know, that's that's a lot, I think, for anyone. And it would be like that up until close. It was so busy. Um, I I would just get, oh my god, I get so anxious there. So that's my King Taps experience. I hope no one from King Taps is listening to this, but even if they are like this is that was just my experience there, TBH. Um, after that, I went to Belfast Love. Honestly, love Belfast Love. I was there for about two years. I served there afterwards. There's a bit of overlap between that and King Taps. But yeah, I was at Belfast Love for two years. Uh, I got really close and I was serving there. Um, I got really close with a few, actually a lot of the people there, and I made some really, really close friends there as well. Um, one of the girls there, her name's Tamura. Um, or her name was Tamura. She was a friend of mine that ended up passing away, unfortunately, a few years ago. But her and I became really close friends with my other friend, Kira, who is my best friend. If you guys watch my podcast, you know. Um, but we ended up all getting really close. Um, one of the managers there, Rebecca, she also ended up becoming a really close friend. And it's funny because when we worked together, I feel like we didn't talk as much and we weren't as close, but now we're extremely close. I was actually just at her engagement party this past Sunday. I love her so much. She's the best. She just like, she just feels like a slightly older sister to me. Like, I think we're around the same. She's a couple years, no, she's like maybe a couple years older than me, but she literally feels like an older sister to me. I love her dearly. I loved Belfast Love. It was great. It kind of was like my introduction to like nightlife as well, because Belfast Love, we would serve, um, I think actually we opened at we would open at like 10 a.m. Like people would like, or maybe 11 a.m. I don't know if people knew that because I think a lot of people know Belfast Love as like a nighttime kind of spot, like a nighttime like pub on King West. But on weeknights or sorry, weekends, it would get so, so, so busy. And so it felt kind of like clubby, you know, like they'd have a DJ and like um serving was honestly hellish. Serving on like a week and night at Belfast Love was really tough. Like you would have these ginormous sections, and every table was like all separate bills, and it was all like you had to bill out people right away, and they'd be ordering like 40 tequila shots and four beers, and you're like, How am I gonna carry this? This is crazy. But it taught me a lot. I think this is really what um refined my serving skills. It was funny though, because I hadn't served in a while. I remember the very first shift I had a Belfast Love. I was carrying a tray. If you know, you know, you can't really carry a tray with two hands. You're supposed to one-hand it like this. And I was carrying a tray of April spritzes, and I was holding it like this, and I was putting it on the table. Um, it was like a group of like middle-aged women that got apparel spritzes. They're probably just trying to have like a nice, um, a nice girl's day, and I ruined it because I took off one of the apparel spritzes and put it on the table, and the entire tray fell, and it fell all over the table. It fell on two of the women. They were so mad. I was so embarrassed. I think I went home that day. I was like, I gotta go. I was like, I can't, I can't be here right now. But yeah, either way, that's that's where it started, but it ended up leading to me being being, I think honestly a pretty good server by the end of it. And I think it that's kind of where my confidence um serving in nightlife like really was developed. So I would give Belfast Love like an eight out of ten as well, maybe a nine out of ten. No like weird drama there. I feel like overall it was, I was overall pretty happy there. There's a few, there's one manager, we won't name them, but there was one manager there that I felt like was kind of out to get me. But I feel like I'm also sensitive. So I feel like everyone's out to get me sometimes. But either way, she was she was uh, or they were they were okay. Um, but yeah, besides that, I honestly really did enjoy my experience there. And it was the first time I started making good money as well, like in the service industry. Um, when I was hosting, I was making, you know, minimum wage plus like maybe $40 a week in tips on top of what I was making. And then yeah, this is the first time I made more than, you know, $200 in a shift. I would normally walk out with like like $150 to maybe like three, four hundred dollars on like a really busy night at Belfast Love. But to me at the time, and keep in mind, this is like 2018, 2019, like pre-COVID, pre-recession. Like that's a that was a lot of money at the that felt like a ton of money at the time. I was like, I'm I'm rich, like no one talked to me. So eight, nine out of ten. That's I'd give it. Um, okay. I think after that COVID happened, right? So I was kind of still on and off working at Belfast Love. Like um, a lot of restaurants and bars and stuff had to close. And so I was still like at Belfast Love, like when they were able to open, I would be on the patio, like working on the patio or I'd work inside, but uh it definitely wasn't the same. And it does also wasn't the same kind of money as well, because with all the social distancing like measures in place, uh they could only have so many people in the restaurant. So there was that. But yeah, after that, I think I ended up just kind of slowly, just I just slowly stopped working there. I just I think I had really bad availability, and they're just like honestly, like, no, I we can't schedule you that often anymore. Like, either you commit to like X days a week or no, and I was like, I can't, but all love, like we left on like really good terms, you know? It was kind of like a mutual parting of ways, which was great. So then after that, I I think a few months after that, I worked at Pizza Wine Disco, and I talked about that too, I think in my last episode. I did bottle service there. Um, that was the first time I'd really done bottle service. I didn't do bottle service at Belfast Love. That was more just like individual drinks and stuff like that. But yeah, I did bottle service at Pizza Wine Disco. That was interesting. I'm grateful for it, of course. Um interesting time of my life. I got to meet a lot of uh kind of B-less celebrities there, which was kind of cool. And it's always cool being a part of something when they first open as well. Like I feel like Pizza Wine Disco when they opened, they were kind of like the spot. But yeah, there was, I don't know if I aligned with some of the bottle servers there, unfortunately. And I I I did with like most of them, but not all of them. And so I feel like that led to me leaving there, you know, leaving that space like pretty quickly. Oh, and I had like an evil, evil, evil, one evil manager. Maybe I'll name him. I'm gonna name him, but I'm gonna bleep it. But if you guys can read my lips, read my lips. His name's um, he was the worst. He was so mean, he was so disorganized. He was just, he was just mean, you know. I would come into a shift and I would ask him, like, oh, like, hey, like I noticed, like I'd I'd walk into the into the restaurant club, like it was kind of both, and walk in and the whole place would be like decorated a certain way, or you know, it would like there'd be, yeah, like just decorations everywhere and like signs everywhere. And I was like, oh, like what's going on tonight? And he was like, Oh my god. And he wouldn't, they would never give us like any like heads up about like what was happening, or maybe they were to the other girls, but not to me. And he would just be so irritated when I'd ask him any kind of question. And I feel like some questions are pretty valid, you know what I mean? Like, I feel like that's fair to walk into a place and be like, oh, like everything's different today. Like, is are we doing like a special event? Like, should I know something? Like, should I are we doing a drink special? Like, is like should I be wearing something? Like, what's going on, you know? And he would just be so rude and dismissive um when I would ask him about anything. And so I don't know, it's so tough because I'm really great. There was also some really wonderful people I met at Pizza Windisco that I'm still friends with now. So I'd give it like a five out of ten. I'd give it a five out of ten. Um, I did like working for the Liberty Group though, and they own um, I think Paris, Texas, a few other places. I think some people, some of them own like small talk jazz and stuff like that on Ausington. There's other places too, I'm forgetting. But honestly, I I really did like working for that company, but I think it was just that specific manager. I was like, oh, he was the worst. And after I left, he got fired, and I was like, good, thank God. And it's funny too, because he messages me sometimes and you know, he asked to like, he's like, Oh, can I get guest list on AMPM? Or like, oh, like have you been? I'm like, are you serious? You were so evil to me when we worked together. Like, you're you're insane. But yeah, either way, that happened. And then uh after that, there was like a bit of overlap between Pizza Wine Disco and AMPM. I was doing bottle service at both. And yeah, I was at AMPM afterwards doing bottle service, I think from 2023 onwards. And um I, I mean, I'm still doing it now, so I guess it's been like maybe 2022 actually. It's 2022, 2023. I can't remember. So back with dates, but I've been there for at least three or four years now, um, just doing bottle service, even though I was there since the opening. I was there at the conception of AMPM actually. I was there the day Cam came to me, a year and a half before AMPM opened, and he was like, oh my god, I just got asked to be part of like this like concept that I've that um my friends are like talking about, like starting. So I was there at the conception of AMPM, but I didn't start working there until you know three or four years ago. Either way, love IMPM, I'd give it a 9.5 out of 10. I would give it a 10 out of 10, but I think I don't think a 10 out of 10 is possible in the nightlife, like the service industry. I think it's I I wish it was, but I just feel like there's no perfect place because perfection doesn't exist, right? If you guys remember my episode with Photo Will, we talk about that. But yeah, I'd give that one a 9, 9.5 out of 10. I overall really love it. Love the staff, some of my closest friends. Um, most of them actually are my closest friends. Like I get to work with my best friend, I get to work with my boyfriend. My sister works there now. She does co-check there. Um, I love everyone there. Everyone, there's just amazing. Like, honestly, I think some of the best staff in the city. I'm sorry, I'm gonna say it. I'm biased, but I think it's true. And so, yeah, that's that's kind of like my service industry journey from where I started at like 15, 16 to now here I am, 27. So it's been a while. And so I wanted to share that with you guys, and then just to kind of like share, because we're just reflecting, you know, we're chilling. I wanted to tell you a little bit about the hellish year that I had last year that kind of led me to starting this podcast, you know? Um, basically, I I think I've talked about this, I talked a bit about this in my like my teaser episode, and I've mentioned it. I've sprinkled it in here and there, but I s developed really bad eczema about two years ago. And it started with a patch in my neck, and then it just kept getting, I kept using creams from the doctor, and it just got worse and worse, and then it spread to my whole neck and then my chin and then my face. Now it's like on my arms, although it's like better. I don't know if you guys can see, it's a bit better now. Uh you can't really see from this, you can't really see from that at all. Um, but it's gotten a lot better, which is great, but it started off with that, and that was a huge flow to my confidence, especially because a big part of my of one of my jobs is of course being perceived and even doing therapy. Like, I'm still being perceived, right? Like um, clients would say things like they were like, Oh, like your skin, like, are you okay? Right? Like they were wondering about what that was. And that was, I know again, it's like everyone's like, oh, it's eczema. Like, you guys don't understand. This was like debilitating eczema. Like my face was peeling off, it was like oozing, it was weeping, it was burning. And it was for a good part of 2025, like my entire face and neck was just fucked. Like I could barely put makeup on. Anything I did would like inflame it so much. Like I would have like literally bandages on. I would like have gloves on my hands, like the sun would hurt it. Anything I did would, anything, even if I sweat, that would like affect it. It was brutal. It was, it was really, really hard. It was like one of the worst things I've had to go through. Like there was, there was even times where, and again, I'm not, I I rarely, rarely get into like depressive episodes, but it sent me into like a really depressive episode for a bit. And there's moments too where I was like, I honestly just I would pay a hundred thousand dollars for I would pay a million dollars for this to go away. Like it was that bad. And there's even moments where I, you know, not like suicidal, but like definitely some thoughts, like, you know, in that realm to, you know, where I was just like, I just want this to end. Like, I just I need this to end. Like, I'm so sick of this. And it was great because I had my best friend and my boyfriend, and they were so supportive of me and of my skin and my healing, and they tried so they did so much to like help me, which was amazing. I honestly feel like I have like the best boyfriend and best um friend and also best sisters of great sisters as well. But I just feel so lucky to have them and they were so supportive of me, which helped a lot. But it was honestly one of the toughest things I went through. I like maybe one day I'll talk more about that and show you guys pictures of what it looked like. I can't even look at pictures from that time because it makes me up, like it genuinely makes me upset. Like I like my whole face is peeling off. I look like I I don't know if you guys have ever seen people after they get like um like a chemical peel. Like I literally looked like that for like six months. But I would wear makeup at work once a week at NPM. That's the only time I'd put makeup on. And no one really knew about what I was going through because I would put makeup on and in like the dark lighting and everything, you couldn't really tell. You could tell a bit, but you couldn't really tell. But again, it was also just like painful. So in 2025, or I guess 2024, that's when my eczema started. 2025, it got way worse. No creams were working. Every time I used a cream, I would just feel worse afterward. Like my skin would like almost have like a rebound flare. I was on steroids for a bit, it was that bad. And then my doctor told me that I had lupus, and I was like, oh my god, uh, fuck. Okay, like I was trying to find an explanation as to why my skin was so bad. And my doctor told me I had lupus, and that was really upsetting. But I was like, I'm gonna wait to talk to a uh rheumatologist who, if I don't know if you guys know what that is, but that's like an allergy, not an allergy, it's an autoimmune type of doctor, specialist, basically. So either way, I thought I'd lupus because that's what my fuck ass doctor told me for a couple months, and then I went to my rheumatologist. They don't did all the blood work, they're like, hey, you don't have lupus. Um surprise, like you just have really bad eczema and likely a lot of anxiety from all these health things that are just like the eczema, you know, you're worried about like where that's kind of coming from. Like, um, they were just saying they're like, you you don't have lupus, you're actually, you're all good. But again, very frustrating because for a few months of my life in 2025, I genuinely believed I had lupus. So I was following like lupus protocol, and I was really scared to be honest with you. It was it was awful. Like I was like, oh my god, my whole life is like gonna change now. And yeah, I'm following lupus protocol. Don't have lupus, I'm fine, you guys. I just have eczema and anxiety. Like it's we I can deal with that. I can deal with that. That's honestly a lot more manageable than lupus. Um, but yeah, that was shitty. That sucked. So that was a one part of 2025 that was really bad. Um, I also, my anxiety, I think I think it's correlated to the eczema and everything, but my anxiety got so bad in 2025. I noticed it started to kind of get bad around the time my eczema got really bad as well. But that started at like the end of December 2024. Um, I remember feeling anxious even like being with my family, right? Like just having dinner at my family's house in Vancouver. I would feel like extreme anxiety. And I kept trying to like push it away and I kept trying to push my anxiety away because I was like, oh, this is silly. I was like, I'm feeling anxious about like nothing, you know? And it just kind of kept getting worse and worse, but I kept pushing it away and I kept ignoring it. But it would manifest in weird ways. But then that kind of accumulated to um this intense panic attack that I had in. In April, May, in May, I think, yeah, beginning of May of 2025. I went to EDC. I've talked about this before too. I went to EDC with a group of friends, and I drank for a few days straight, like two days straight, two, three days straight. And um when I finally sobered up, I felt fine, right? Initially. And then I had the worst panic attack of my life ever there. I genuinely thought I was gonna die. I remember genuinely believing I was gonna die. Like it was one of the scariest things I've ever experienced, to be honest with you. And um, I was puking. I was like, I remember my friend, I was with my friend Sue at the time and poor Sue. We had to share a room together and I was just being crazy. I I was drinking all the all weekend and I was already being crazy, and then poor Sue had to deal with this panic attack. Um and yeah, I remember she told me to like go sta stand outside on our balcony and just like look out. And I did that. I remember the entire, like all of Vegas, we're staying at like the Cosmo, like this like gorgeous suite, and all of Vegas is like spinning in front of me. Keep in mind I'm sober too, right? And I think that was the scariest part. I was like dead sober feeling like this. I was like, oh my god, like what's happening? And then I had to, the next day I had to fly out. So then I remember I got an IV. I spent, I think, oh, something insane too, because I got my EDC trip paid for, everything was paid for, and then I had to spend like 800 US on an IV. Like I, it's sickening. It was sickening for like a 30-minute IV. And I was thinking that would help me a little bit. It didn't really, kind of felt the same. And I was still so anxious, you know. I'd like just the night before, like like maybe eight hours before, I had like a three-hour-long panic attack. Um, and yeah, either way, that happened. Terrified to fly home. I the entire flight home, I was like shaking. I thought I was fine after that. I was like, okay, like maybe it was because I was just drinking, I was in like a new environment. Like that was just like a one-off panic attack. I've had panic attacks before, but nothing like that. I just thought it was the one-off. I was like, we've been here before, you know, kind of. But then two weeks later, I was having dinner with my boyfriend at Le Swan on Queen West. We love. Um, but I was having dinner there and randomly I just had another random panic attack, and it was really scary. I remember I told him I was like, we have to go. I went to the bathroom and I came up and I was like, we have to go, we have to go. And I came home and this one didn't last for as long and it wasn't as severe as my big one. We call her the big one, the one that I had in Vegas. But it was, it was still pretty brutal and it it really scared me. And um it, it like kind of just triggered this like year-long anxiety, you know, these panic attacks. And yeah, that was that was really shitty too. And keep in mind, I'm literally like sober with my boyfriend at like a diner close to my house, and I felt so unsafe. And so I just started feeling really unsafe in general. Um, I would do things like I would go to a cottage with friends and I would look up the nearest hospital. Even at AMPM, I would like be chat GBTing. And I don't really use chat GBT that much, but I would be chat GBTing a bit and like asking chat GBT, like, is this normal? You know, I have a lot of friends that work in healthcare. Um, and I'd be asking them questions all the time, like, is this okay? Like, is this normal? Can I do this? And uh yeah, I think a lot of the people that were are and were close to me in my life, like saw that I was dealing with like this insane amount of anxiety. And again, it's insane dealing with anxiety and then going and clocking in to my job as a therapist who specializes in anxiety and talking to people about how to reduce their anxiety. I felt like such a fraud. Um, and also keep in mind, I'm like extremely anxious sometimes, not all the time, but sometimes during the sessions as well. I sometimes would be really anxious as well. And I could push it aside and put that away, but I would still feel it like physically, right? Like my heart would be racing, um, I'd have a hard time breathing sometimes, like my chest would be tight, all of that stuff. And so it made it kind of hard to work for a bit too, and with eczema as well. So I was making less money as well in 2025, and that was kind of challenging as well. I had to like like my eczema and my anxiety just like completely took over my life. It was brutal. So, from that as well, I also developed a bit of claustrophobia, which I have had at different periods of my life. I've I've experienced claustrophobia like when I was in high school and a little bit in elementary school. Um, I think I know where I came from actually. But uh yeah, I now have and I'm still dealing with like some flight anxiety. It's gone better. Um, and honestly, my anxiety has gone better um over the last couple of months. Honestly, at I would say like around January, like honestly, like a couple weeks before I started this podcast, my anxiety started feeling like a lot better. But yeah, I am still dealing with like a pretty abnormal amount of anxiety. Um, I am able to manage it a lot better, but yeah, I have flight anxiety now, which sucks because I'm not able to travel as much. I haven't been able to see my family as often who live in Vancouver because of it. Um, and that's been pretty, that's tough as well. Like I miss them and I want to, there's so much traveling that I want to do, and I feel kind of limited right now in what I can do. But I'm going to Italy this Sunday, so I'm hoping that's uh I'm hoping I I feel like a lot better about it now, but this is like the longest flight I've done in like a little bit. It's like it's not awful. It's like an eight and a half hour flight, but I am feeling like a bit nervous about that, and it's kind of like shadowing how excited I am for this trip, you know. Um, I'm just kind of focused on like that plane ride, that initial plane ride of like getting there. I feel like a bit of anxiety about that. But yeah, flight anxiety, that came up for me too in 2025. That sucked. Um, but slowly and surely, I feel like I'm healing my nervous system. I've made such like major lifestyle changes in the past year that I think have helped me so significantly. I have a better work-life balance. I listen to myself, I try not to drink as often. I still do drink. Like, I'm not gonna say I don't drink, I still do drink. I try to limit how much I drink at work overall. If you saw me drunk at work recently, though, no, you didn't. But overall, I I do try to limit that. Um, I don't take any more vibants. I used to take long acting vibants, short acting dexidrin, which is another stimulant. I don't vape. I completely cut out vaping. I don't have any caffeine. Occasionally I'll do like a Diet Coke, but even that, it's iffy. Sometimes it does give me anxiety. Um, I instead of working out and going to the gym, I do Pilates now. I go for like long walks all the time. Um yeah, I made all these major lifestyle changes that I think have really helped me like re-regulate. And that's why it's I again do believe anxiety is so in the mind. You know what I mean? Um, of course, like there are things like medication that can help. I do have like beta blockers. I always walk around with the beta blockers on me. That's kind of like a bit of like a like a band, maybe not a band-aid, like a bit of like a safety kind of measure that I take in case I get really nervous. I know I can take a beta blocker. I also have a Clinazepan prescription, which is a pretty strong anti-anxiety medication. It's um, it's in the class of like benzos, so it's quite strong. I've literally never taken it though. It's one of those peace of mind things. Same with the beta blockers. I've actually never taken a beta blocker before, but I keep it with me. It's in my purse right now as we speak. Um, and it's just like there if I need it, but that just gives me such peace of mind. And um, that has honestly helped me a lot as well. But yeah, I've slowly but surely been working on healing my uh nervous system, which has been great. And this podcast, you know, just kind of like finish it off with this podcast has healed me in so many ways. I wanted to say thank you, everyone, for listening to season one of Club Therapy. Oh my god, I'm gonna get emotional. I told Steve at the beginning of this, I was like, I feel like I'm gonna get emotional. I'm I'm gonna get my period in like a week. Uh, but this honestly has been like such a healing thing for me to do. Thank you so much for listening to season one of Club Therapy. This is oh yeah, about to get my period. Um, but this has been such an amazing thing that I've been lucky enough to do. And I'm so excited for you know, season two. Season two's coming. You guys follow me on Instagram, subscribe. You'll definitely follow me on Instagram for updates. But season two is probably gonna come out like maybe in like the end of the summer, um, early fall, probably end of the summer, to be honest, like late summer. Um, but I'm gonna take a bit of a break right now just because I am going to be traveling for the next little while. I'm going to Italy, I'm going to Vienna, Budapest, Prague, and then next month I'm going to Vancouver for a little bit. And I'm probably going to go back to Vancouver again at the end of the summer. So lots of traveling, and I want to really focus on that because again, balance is so important. It's so key. Um, but yeah, this podcast has been healing me. It's given me that sense of purpose that I just didn't think I was going to, oh my God, find again.

unknown 52:48

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 52:49

Um, but I appreciate all the support, the kindness, like, and everything that I've received. Oh my God, along the way. I'm such a crybaby. This is like the 18th time I've cried over the last few days. It's so funny. I've appreciated everything that I've received along the way. Um, it's reaffirmed how lucky I am to have so many amazing people in my life. And I can't wait to share season two with you. Please follow Club Therapy Pod on Instagram um to kind of stay updated with everything. But I love you guys. Thank you for listening and tuning in.

unknown 53:20

Bye.