The Connection Fix with Joey Klein

TCF #018: Painful Emotions Don't Mean You're Broken

• Joey Klein • Episode 18

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0:00 | 11:13

TCF #018: Painful Emotions Don't Mean You're Broken


That emotion you keep trying to fix or numb out isn't a defect. It's a skill you were never trained in.


Episode Summary

In this episode of The Connection Fix Podcast, host Joey Klein breaks down the three emotional competencies that put you back in charge of how you feel.

You'll learn why "just push through it" eventually backfires, how to move through a painful emotion in minutes instead of months, and discover how to train joy, peace, and gratitude like a muscle.


Question of the Day 🗣️

In a typical day lately, what percentage of your time are you operating from a love-based state (peace, joy, gratitude, inspiration) versus a fear-based one (anxiety, sadness, overwhelm)? Get honest and drop the state that's most present for you in the comments.


Key Take-aways

  • What looks like emotional control is often emotional deferral - and deferred emotion always comes back with interest
  • A painful emotion usually means you're undertrained, not broken - it's a training gap, not a character flaw
  • Resiliency means feeling the emotion and acting well anyway, without being enslaved to it
  • Self-regulation lets you move through an emotion and find center in minutes instead of months
  • Check your state ten times a day - it's the fastest way to find your real starting point


Timestamped Outline ⏱️

00:00 – Introduction: stress is created by your inner state
00:40 – The two broken paradigms most people live in
02:01 – When painful emotion gets read as "something is wrong"
03:35 – You're not broken, you're undertrained
04:23 – Competency One: Resiliency - awareness and action
05:28 – Competency Two: Self-Regulation - moving through the emotion
06:53 – Competency Three: Accessing love-based states
08:06 – Where to start: the ten-times-a-day state check
09:04 – Why this matters: emotion is the system under stress
10:21 – One question to sit with


Links & Resources 🔗


Connect & CTA 🎯

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Credits

Host: Joey Klein © 2026 Inner Matrix Systems. All rights reserved.


SPEAKER_00

Over the last five weeks, we've been unpacking stress from every angle. And I hope what came through in all of that was this. Stress isn't created by your circumstances, it's actually created by your inner state. If you missed any of those episodes, I encourage you to go back and start with stress part one, macro stress, and work your way through the series. The series will give you some context for where we're going to go today. We're going deeper. We're talking about emotions. Not stress as a symptom, but emotions as a system. What they actually are, what they are for, and most importantly, how to leverage them. Now here's what I see again and again. People relate to their emotions in one of two ways. The first is emotions are in the way. This is the high performance version, the just push through it version. The idea that if you want to execute at a high level, emotions are a distraction, something to be ignored, shut down, or overridden in pursuit of what you're trying to create. I actually had a conversation recently with someone who trains the elite teams of Navy SEALs inside of indoor combat and high-stakes scenarios. And what he told me very plainly was that we train SEALs that emotions are a hindrance. Shut them down because in that environment they will get in your way of performance and potentially get you killed. And I understand the logic, but here's what that approach misses and why it breaks down eventually. The emotions don't disappear, they accumulate. And without any skill to process or regulate them, people reach for the tools that they have. Often substances, screens, the emotions that were managed in the field, they come home. What looks like emotional control in high performance is often just emotional deferral. And deferred emotion doesn't stay deferred forever. The second way people relate to emotions is painful emotions means that something is wrong. If I feel sad or anxious, unworthy, overwhelmed, something must be broken either in me or in my life, or there's something wrong with the situation. So the response becomes fix it, get rid of it, find something that will make the emotions or the pain stop. And that's where the coping mechanisms then come in. Alcohol, substances, plant medicine, screen time, working out, even relationships. Not because people are weak, but because they were never taught another way to manage the emotions that they're feeling. Here's something that I see very often. Someone tells me that they want a romantic relationship. They want a partner. And when I ask them why, what comes out, usually after a few moments, is I'm lonely, I feel sad. And the relationship that they're seeking, it's not really about partnership, it's about relief. It becomes a vehicle for managing the emotion rather than a space for building something real. And here's the hard truth: it's the untended emotions, the loneliness, the insecurity, the sense of unworthiness, that eventually break the relationships down. Not the circumstances, the unmanaged state underneath the circumstance. Neither of these frameworks, emotions are a hindrance, or emotions mean something is wrong, gives you what you actually need. What you need is a third paradigm entirely. And so let's look at that. Emotions are not the enemy of performance, and the presence of a painful emotion doesn't mean that you're broken or that something's wrong. What it means almost always is that you're undertrained, not in the gym, not in your craft, but as it pertains to emotions. And just like physical training, emotional competency can be developed. It's a skill, it responds to practice, it builds over time. The people that I've worked with who are the most fulfilled, who have the best relationships, who perform at the highest levels in their life, who feel genuinely alive, are not living in the absence of difficult emotions. They're not emotionally flat or numb, they're emotionally skilled. And that skill comes down to three specific competencies. The first is what I call resiliency, awareness and action. This is the ability to feel an uncomfortable emotion, sadness, anxiety, unworthiness, maybe overwhelm, and still execute well despite how they're feeling. Not by ignoring the emotion, not by pretending it isn't there, but by not being enslaved to it. Most people have the experience of feeling anxious or emotionally drained and shutting down. Can't get out of bed, can't engage, can't push forward. This competency flips that. You feel the emotion, you're aware of it, and you can act despite the way you feel. In alignment with who you are and what you want to be and what you want to create, regardless of what the emotion is demanding. Going to the gym when you don't feel like it, being present and kind with the people that you love, even when you're feeling a bit of resentment or frustration or deregulate it. Showing up to the hard conversation when every part of you wants to retreat, that's not willpower, that's a strained competency, it's a trained skill. The second competency is what I call self-regulation. This is the ability to actually move through the emotion, not just tolerate it, but actually dissolve it through specific practices and techniques. How we work with the nervous system, how we train the emotions, and how we train the mind. It's possible to shift the emotional state itself and to step out of activation, out of the loop, and find center, find peace. From there, the intensity drops, the emotion loosens its grip. The question to ask yourself, honestly, is how good am I at that right now? At being aware of an emotion that's there and stepping out of that fear-based state, finding center. Because there's a significant difference between someone who can regulate themselves within minutes or maybe even seconds during a hard moment, such as a layoff, a difficult conversation, a health scare, and someone who stays activated for hours, days, weeks, or potentially even months or years. That gap is not a personality difference, it's a training difference, it's a competency distinction. The person who can find center quickly will simply navigate life better, period. They're more fulfilled. They accomplish more of what they set out to accomplish. Not because their life is easier, but because they're steadier and more competent within themselves. And the third competency is accessing love-based states. This is the one that most people haven't even considered as a skill. Not just managing difficult emotions, but actively training the states that you want to feel and experience in your day-to-day life, such as joy, peace, inspiration, gratitude. These aren't just things that happen to you when circumstances go your way. They're states that you can develop, that you strengthen, that you can make your default. Think of it like inner weight lifting. Every time you practice accessing and sustaining a love-based state, you're building that emotional resilience, that muscle. And over time it's going to get stronger and more available and more natural. And to a point where the outside world doesn't shake that love-based state, that experience that you're in. The goal, and this is completely achievable, is to reach a place where those love-based states are present 80%, maybe 90% of the time, and the fear-based states become the exception. For most people right now, it's the opposite. Fear-based states are the norm, and love-based states are the rear visit. And again, that's not because something is wrong with you, it's because nobody taught you how to train it. Now, before any training, it's worth starting with an honest assessment. For one day or even just a few hours, check in with yourself at least 10 times. And then each time, ask yourself, what state am I in right now? Not am I feeling good or bad, be specific. Am I in a fear-based state? Am I in a love-based state? Do I feel anxious or resentful, unworthy, overwhelmed? Or am I at peace? Do I feel grateful, inspired, energized, and present? Just naming what's there accurately without judgment is itself a skill. And it's where all development begins. Most people, when they do this, for the first time are very surprised by what they find and they discover within themselves. Not because they're broken, but because they've never understood how to pay attention to themselves and be with themselves at that level. That attention is the starting point. And if you zoom out across everything that we've covered over the last five weeks, stress in macro, stress in micro in the body, in relationship, and in career, it all points back here. Stress is a symptom. Emotion is the system underneath it. And if you want to stop recreating the same patterns in your relationships, your work, your daily experience of life, the leverage isn't in the circumstances. It's in the emotional state that you're operating from. When you develop these three competencies, something shifts that can't be faked or forced. You stop being at the mercy of how you feel, you stop outsourcing your stability to people and substances or screens, and you start building a life from the inside out. That's not just an abstract concept, that's a trainable set of skills. And that set of skills is exactly what we train in the Power Series. Coming soon, we've got Power of Vision in Denver, July 11, 12, 2026, and Power of Focus Virtual, August 1st and 2nd, 2026. And if you're ready to build these skills, I'd love to have you there. Now, if you want to absorb these teachings in a different format, check out the Connection Fix newsletter or podcast. Find the format that fits best for you. Before I wrap, just pause for a moment. In a typical day, lately look back at the last few days. What percentage of your time would you say that you've been operating from a love-based state? And if so, what state? And what percent would you say you've been executing from a fear-based state? And if so, which state? You don't have to calculate it exactly, just get honest with yourself, because whatever that number is right now, that's your starting point. It's where you are. Not a verdict, a beginning. If you're willing, drop it in the comments, even one word, the name of the state that's most present for you lately. I read every one, and it matters to me to know where you are. Thank you so much for watching, and I look very forward to seeing you next time.