Nobody Told Us Anything (And We Figured It Out Anyway)

Lexsi and Amber go deep this episode, walking through their younger selves at every stage. From little girls growing up without the guidance they needed, to teenagers figuring out identity, boys, and periods with zero parental conversation, to early 20-somethings in LA convinced they had it all figured out (they did not). It's raw, it's funny, and it's the kind of conversation most people never get to have out loud.

They talk about what it actually costs you when you prioritize the wrong people, the patterns from childhood you don't even know you're carrying into adulthood, getting diagnosed with ADHD and autism way later than you should have, and why the hardest thing isn't the past; it's not being too hard on the version of yourself who didn't know better yet.

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Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:00

Hey, it's your girl Alexei Louis. And it's your girl Amber Forzotra. And welcome back to another episode of Occasionally Perfect.

SPEAKER_03 0:18

If you could actually sit down with a younger version of yourself, not just think about it, but really sit there face to face, what would you say? Not the cute polished advice, not the everything happens for a reason version. I'm talking about the real things, the things that you had to learn the hard way. Because I know that you've probably thought about this before. Like, if I knew then, would I knew now? But what is that actually? What would you say to yourself at 15, at 20 as a little girl? And if you're being honest, would would you have even listened? Like that's the part that really gets me. Is do would I if I came back and I sort of told myself, would you do this? Would you even listen to yourself? I don't know.

SPEAKER_02 0:58

I for me, I know I probably wouldn't listen.

SPEAKER_03 1:02

If it was no, if it was like, I'm the future you, maybe I would listen. Yeah, that's different. But if it's just like some adult that was like, I don't know, maybe. Oh maybe.

SPEAKER_02 1:14

I think that yeah, I don't know. I like I said, I feel like there's so many things that I wish I would have done differently in my life. But then I'm like, okay, well, look where I'm at right now. Maybe I won't be here so cliche. But yeah, my younger self was very, it was different. Like I there's I feel like I had a fantasy mind already because I wasn't living in this like perfect childhood or life or family. Does that make sense?

SPEAKER_03 1:44

Oh, yeah. When I was when I was 15, I used to wake up every morning and I had this full-body mirror in my room. I used to say, This is not my life, this is not my life, this is not my life, this is not my life. I said it every day because I was just like, I know I'm supposed to be rich. I'm telling you, I remember one time my mom was like going back to school and she she would try to, she was like, We're gonna go to Payless and get it. She was, I'm like, I'm not gonna play. She's like, Do you think you're too good for payless? And I said, Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:12

I remember Payless. I remember Payless all the time. Payless, Kmart.

SPEAKER_03 2:16

Yeah, oh Kmart.

SPEAKER_02 2:18

Oh my god. Kmart is great. Listen, my younger self was so, I don't know, traumatized about some things in life. But I uh yeah, I think that there's a lot of things I would have done differently, or wish I would have also not been so embarrassed about. Yeah. I think that's another thing I didn't always want to be fully myself. But if I can go back and tell my younger self one thing, it would be like it would make it make make me feel a little more softer, not so hard on my so myself. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:53

So yeah, I think before we really get into like I always tell that 10-year-olds of this and what I just want to say this is not an episode where we're gonna just bash ourselves and be like we were just dumb and stupid. No, no, no. And it's not a pity party, but it's just just it's just like I know thoughts and stuff that we had that that oh god, if we would have just just had just this one little mindset shift or this one little push to go try this other thing, you know, this is what that is. It's not like, oh my god, my life's a regret. And I don't know. I I personally, I know a lot of people are like, oh, I would never change anything. There was definitely things I would go back and change if I could, if I could go back and still have my daughter, but change things, there's things I would definitely change. But that's not to say that, like, oh my god, I just everything was terrible and everything's, but we are gonna dive into the things that I could have maybe done a little bit differently that myself right now would be really happy that if I did, you know, because it's just it's just it's yeah. I mean, hindsight's 2020. It just you just can you just know more now. It's it's just the truth. But um, I mean, as we would get into it right now, it's just we also did we were kind of like raising ourselves. It's making sense, like we'd have to pay bills, thank god. Because I know some I don't I mean actually I don't know how how yours is, but I know for me, my mom was saying I know some kids that had to work and like make money for the house and stuff when they were younger. That wasn't me, but it was definitely like you gotta get out. Like school was my work for sure, but also like taking care of siblings and all that stuff. So I don't know. I think we're gonna start with let's do like little ages, you know. Let's start with our childhood, like in a childhood, little Amber.

SPEAKER_02 4:42

Little Amber.

SPEAKER_03 4:43

She's sitting there right now, and you're you're the male woman, and you knock on the door because you got a package she has to sign, and she's and you see this little cute girl. And you just felt like you should tell her something. Something in your what would you tell her?

SPEAKER_02 4:57

I don't know. I was a quiet girl. Like I grew up literally in the middle of nowhere. Um and I I think I would just I don't know. I without diving too deep into things, I think. No, get deep, girl. We got an hour. Okay, okay, okay, okay. I think I would tell my little self. I I don't think that young that I knew much about like life and the outside world other than like my little bubble. That's everyone, yeah. So like I there's nothing I feel like at that point that I would tell my little self other than like I feel like it would be o it's gonna be okay. So I felt like at that point my mom had gone through a really bad car accident. I'm we moved in with my grandfather. Um, and it was just like it it was I don't know, it was like uh I didn't know what was happening, you know what I mean? So I don't know. I feel like at that point in my life everything's just gonna be okay. Um, but yeah, I don't know what I would tell my younger little Amber self. Now there's a lot of things I I feel like I I wish I would have been more confident even at the young age. I look at my daughter, I look at Sunny, and I'm like, yo, she has all the confidence.

SPEAKER_03 6:09

She is so like she knows what she wants, she's very opinionated, very like this is how things should be.

SPEAKER_02 6:16

Yes, and I love that about her. And I wish that was me. And that's the little self I would, but it's so cool to see my daughter because I was total opposite of that. Yeah. I was very quiet. I kept to myself, I was very afraid to like do too much, say too much, you know? So I just didn't want to cross any boundaries or hurt anyone or do anything wrong. That was kind of my mindset at that age. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 6:41

In childhood, you were like that. Yeah, that's so interesting. Yeah, no, I was I was a little sunny. Yeah, I was a little sunny. I was definitely like, I in, I mean, I always go back to sport to the point where they're like, look out for the girl, because you know it's all co ed. And I was a little monster. The parents, my mom would tell me she'd like, yeah. They would tell her, tripper, tripper. And I would just I would go down and I'd pop right back up. Like, I was just, I was very much things, things that don't make sense. I remember in fifth grade in Miss Cancell's class learning about the electoral college, and I was like, So we don't vote for the president, and then learning about the whole electoral college. I remember in sixth grade I had this racist teacher, and she used to, we used to test her because my whole my class was like all white kids. I went to a black school, but it was my class, specific class with all white kids, and I would wear a sweater wrong. And she was like, You need to wear your sweater the right way. And then I would switch it to a different way. And she's like, What is that, your comfort blanket? And I was like, Yes, it is. And she was like, Well, you need to put it on right. And I was like, Well, just show me where in the rule book it says that I have to wear the sweater this specific way, and then I will. And then she would like scream and yell. And I'll be like, Why are you yelling? Why are you yelling more mad? I was so much if rules don't make sense, I'm not doing it. Or you need to explain. I'm still like that now. Like, I remember I went to a a museum, and they're when I went, they're like, you need to turn your backpack around and put it in the front. And I was like, Why can't we put our backpack in the front, but it can't be in the back? That's I was like, uh, I'm not trying to be difficult. I just really need to understand why that's a thing. And they're like, oh, because when your backpack's in the back, you kind of turn, people hit the art sometimes. I'm like, oh, makes sense. I'll turn it around. You know, like I just I and because a lot of rules are like were became a rule for some reason, but then like, you know, times change and it doesn't even apply to whatever they're doing now. So yeah, I was always like, if this rule doesn't make sense, you know who else is like that? Huh? Livvy. Livvy she is. She'd be able to say, why? So you can when she says, why you have to let me know. No, I know, because I'm like, she needs to just understand it. And whenever, and then when I do explain it to her, she's like, okay, it does make sense. But if it doesn't make sense, she's like, that doesn't make sense. Yeah. But you know, I think I had a mom though that she didn't like that to say because it's kind of like, why are you always questioning everything? And I'm like, I just need to know. And so she'd always be like, just be nice, just be kind. And I was like, mom, stand up for me. So I always felt like my mom didn't have my back in that way. Like, because she was always just like, I got into audience moments with teachers and with people's parents, with coaches. And then I was in honors classes, I was like a top award athlete, but I was just like, if the rule doesn't make sense, I just we can't, I'm just not blindly following it. I've always been like that. And yeah, my mom was like, Why are you so difficult? Like, why is there these stupid rules? Like, I don't know. We all got questions, I guess.

SPEAKER_02 9:32

See, and I was total opposite. I wish I broke rules. When we were talking about this, like going and about, I guess, doing this episode. I said that. I was like, I wish I was a rule breaker. Yeah, I wish I was the one that was like, okay, I'll I wanna skip class. I wanna go sneak out of my house and meet up with my friends.

SPEAKER_03 9:49

I wanna, um, I don't know, like I know, but I feel like there's a downside too, because I also feel like, no, but seriously, I think I was, I was just too curious. Like, because I'm the why doesn't stop. It's like, why is things like this? Why is things like this? And I think that's the bad side of it for like me. Like, I when I when people were always like, oh, I grew up fast, to me, it was just because I'm too curious and I didn't have a person, like I don't remember having sitting down with my mom and having conversations about like life and relationships with friendships, or or picking out like what you want to do with your life. Like, I didn't have heart to hear with my mom. So I think having that curiosity and stuff, I like was too ready to have anybody tell me something. So I listened to it. Like, even I think of my early dating, I'm like, oh my god, I had such stupid things happen to me when I was young in relationships because I was just looking for someone that was gonna give me advice, and like guys are like, you should do this, this, or you should, oh my god, when I think about things that I did when I was young and like even losing Virginia and stuff, I'm like, oh, that stuff was way too young. But I was just curious, and I didn't have a person that was like talking to me about stuff. And so that's one thing that I wish I'd like find your curiosity in books, like girl, like read more books that are are telling you things and not people that are your peers that are freaking retarded. Because I definitely did things where I'm like, I should not have them do because like what because I'm just losing virginity is too young, and yeah, and I think not even in losing virginity outside of that, even in just relationships with I think of guys. This is more teeny, not obviously not when I'm eight or nine, but um, but in my teen years, I think about guys. I'm like, I was just I my dad wasn't in the house. I didn't really have like a I had coaches that I kind of considered father figures that like like were really pushing me to like be focused in my sport or whatever, but they weren't teaching me about like dating and stuff like that. And so when guys proposed stupid things, I'd be like, yeah, okay. And I just thought that you know they had my best interest at heart because the women in my life had the best interests at heart and they had their best interests at heart. Yeah. So I think there's a downside of being so like I know what I want, you know, at a young age without having like proper guidance. But also I feel like thank god I have thick skin because I could bounce back through it and not really like care. Because it could be a downside of people that aren't kind of like strong-willed. I could have gone through some things and they'd be like, oh, I'm just an optimist bitch. I'm like, uh, I'm alive. Yeah, don't do that again. Might not have been the best decision. He's still here. That's all that matters. We made it. All right, don't do that. Oh my god, don't do that.

SPEAKER_02 12:34

One thing that I am really bad at that I brought into my adult life is from when? Just childhood is being chosen in relationships, friendships, work, all of that. Like I need to stop proving. I need to stop like overgiving, like, um, cause I don't know. And I I that's one thing that um I need to slow down with and kind of pump the brakes on because it it eats me up. Like, yeah. Um, just I don't know where that also is.

SPEAKER_03 13:05

Being validated from other people, yeah. Just I mean, girl, I'm a middle child Leo, so I need attention to so I definitely to me that was what sports were. It was like I'm really good at sports.

SPEAKER_02 13:16

I think mine was more from like not being really seen from an early age.

SPEAKER_03 13:22

That I didn't, that's what I'm saying.

SPEAKER_02 13:23

As a middle child, no family, like I would even do sports, like all of that, and like no one would be here. And it was like I I just I'm like, why not me? Why am I not enough? Why am I not should then have to look back now? My mom was working two jobs. Yeah, I didn't have any family other than my mom, really, to show up. So uh I life was just different, but I brought that into my adult life, and well it reminds that reminds me because I when I was eight, I had this real it's my one of my favorite birthday parties of my life when I was eight.

SPEAKER_03 14:01

It was so like I it was at the I have a summer birthday, so we just rented like a pavilion and then we had a pinata, and my mom's friend had canoes, and so we were turtle catching, and we got like 20, 30 turtles, we took them all out, and we were racing, it was so fun, and everyone in my grade came. And we got to school on Monday, and I forgot to invite my best friend, and she was like, Why didn't you? This is I'm in second grade, but she was like, Why didn't you invite me? And I was so worried about like having this big party and showing everyone that I was gonna have a fun party that I neglected the person that's like I do everything with, and that's something that I realized was a pattern for me too, is that when people like me already, I'm like, oh, I don't gotta win you over. And I'm like, I want everyone to like me. So I'm like, okay, why don't you love me? So now I'm gonna show you why you should love me. And then I kind of and I neglected her. And so that's one thing that I'm learning is to like, which this has definitely followed me in dating, was just why don't you like me when everyone likes me, you know? And trying to prove that, oh, you should like me because I'm amazing, and I will do everything to try to get someone to like me. And then there's some people just don't fucking like you.

SPEAKER_04 15:05

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 15:07

And you know, just getting out of that yearning to get that attention or whatever, that definitely started for that age for me too. And I don't know why. But I mean, I think partially is because I want like I don't understand why you don't like me. Yeah, you know, but I didn't have a parent that was like, people don't need to like you. Yeah, I feel like having that conversation, I just didn't have. Did you ever have like sit-down conversations that were not about emotions and you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_02 15:34

It was more me and my mom were literally like best friends.

SPEAKER_03 15:36

It was more of like, oh, what's the tea or what's this or what's like gossip, but not like this is how life is.

SPEAKER_02 15:42

It was kind of in the moment stuff. Like it was never like a life lesson. Yeah, yeah. I we didn't talk about sex, we didn't talk about periods, we didn't talk about boys, you know, that kind of thing. Like it was just roll with the punches and see where life takes me.

SPEAKER_03 15:57

Um and I didn't even feel comfortable talking to my like I hope, and and actually I know that Liv doesn't all the way, and so I'm really trying to figure out how to make this change, but to like have your kids be comfortable, I was like, mom, this is how it is, this is what's happening, you know. And every now and then when Liv gets really a lot of stress, she'll come to me and be like, Well, this is just what was happening, whatever, eventually. And I'm like, okay, because I don't ever remember breaking down and being like, Okay, I want to tell my mom what's happening. And that sucks. I wish I would have I don't even know that I tried though. So I wonder obviously, I didn't how I didn't feel trying. I mean, obviously, I don't know, honestly. I don't remember her, and I think it's part of like how she was raised, but I don't think she did it in a like I just think that she's like this is parents and this is kids. I wish like I could just tell my old younger self, like, just go to your mom sometime. She does know something.

SPEAKER_02 16:54

Do you think that that's why because I see how you are with Liv. Like even the the books and the like talks and the check-ins, and that's healthy and it's important. And do you think you think you do that because it's something you missed out on? Oh, 100%. And you just want to make sure that that's something so that's something that your little self is now your own child.

SPEAKER_03 17:14

Yeah, because I don't because I I think that I think my younger self and all the versions of myself was looking for that person that like I never had like a mentor or just someone to confide in. So oh my god, tears. Um I don't know. No, I just have I didn't have anyone to confide in, or at least not that I felt safe to her that I'd want to. So I definitely want to be my daughter's first person that she's like, oh no, I need to call my mom. I want to, I pray that she'll be at a point a majority of her life. I know maybe not always when she's a teen, she'll probably fight me a little bit, but I want her to be like, oh, I could call my mom. I'm like, no, my mom, I'm gonna call my mom and shit. You know, like I really want that relationship because I think it's so important for every person to have someone that they can confide in and like just tell stuff to. I will say when I was like 16, I had my Coach Bayer. Shout out to Coach Bayer. I was 16, I went through a phase. I read Malcolm X's book. I didn't like white people this year. I it was like a thing. And uh my mom's white, so that was not great. And and so I used I would cry at school in Bayer, he had like this little back room in the computer lab, and he'd like let me go cry in it. I would talk to him. So that was like probably my first time that I had someone that I could just like tell stuff to, and with him, I would just that was interesting because I I mean Bayer is white as well, so there goes my not liking white people. Um but it was in like 16 is already that kind of age where you are questioning, like, well, how do I identify? Like everyone goes through it, but I think also being mixed and having a white mom and like being I'm like and identifying as a black woman or mixed, whatever, but I'm not white, you know, and then having like racial things happening in society and with my friends, like friends going to jail and stuff, and I just felt like I don't know how to talk to her about it. And it's not even that I don't even think she knew how to talk to me about it. She's like, what do you mean? Y'all got you got problems because you're black, you're my daughter, you know what I mean? I don't think that she sees me as a black woman, you know. And I think that was the first time that when I was like 16 that I was like, Oh, my mama really can't help me with this. I mean Bayer couldn't either, but like he at least wanted to talk to me, and I didn't feel that I could talk to her about it. So that's interesting. Yeah, that is interesting. Yeah, because it's it's yeah. Because I mean, you don't I mean, okay, going into 16 and stuff of just again, your identity and stuff. I had that was one thing too, is like hair. Oh my god. Having, I mean, from eight to like four 13, 14, I had I got perms, and then I like stopped getting perms. Thank God I didn't need them. But I used to always be so jealous of like this long of like this kind of curly hair, and then lo and behold, the freaking hair they was grown out of my head, like the same hair. But my mom did got everyone got relaxers where I was from. It was just like all the black girls, you get a relaxer, you just you do. And and I don't think like she did was doing it to like be like, let me burn your curls out of your hair because it's the beginning of what everyone's doing, but it's just like she and she's like, you know, you have nappy hair and not in a way like in a derogatory way. She's like, I just it's just like not easy to handle. Yeah, and yeah, I think going through all that and trying to figure it out, and then you can't even go to your mom to help you figure it out because she don't know. So who do you go to? Yeah, yeah, especially where you're you're from to get it. Yeah, I I wish that I my younger self would have leaned into my dad's side of the family more. Like, I never went to, I have so my dad comes from 14 kids. Like I have like seven, eight aunts, and he's the baby of those 14 kids. So I have cousins that are all basically aunts and uncles. I wish I would have gone to them because I didn't. And I wish I could go, I'm like, just go to your black side. And I hung out with my cousins and stuff, but yeah, I never like looked for black women in my family to like get close with to help me navigate whatever racial things I was feeling. And like I wish my that's one thing. I I didn't even I didn't even write that one down.

SPEAKER_02 21:13

I I've I've I'm the same way. I didn't I I don't think I embraced the that side, the black side of my family.

SPEAKER_03 21:21

Well, I didn't think they're at age. I embraced them as like my family, but I don't think I embraced them as like building a relationship. Help me navigate being a black person in the world, you know, because I don't want to say that my mom raised me to like not see color, but again, I just don't think that she thought I'm raising a black a woman. Like, you know, I I I'll ask her and I'll like let you guys know later, but I don't think that she's ever thought, like, oh I'm gonna have black kids. Like, no, she's just like, that's my baby's. Right, right. You know, I'm just her baby. So I was like, I I never thought to like go to black women in my family and be like, so uh what's just sitting off the

SPEAKER_02 22:00

Did you have that relationship to where you were close back to them?

SPEAKER_03 22:03

I mean, I have older cousins and I was close enough, I feel like, where like if I would have just thought to, but I didn't I just didn't look to them as people to go to. And I think it kind of is morphed with your mom and your dad of like how you relate to people. So a lot of kids don't, I feel like, go to adults. I never look to adults, look to peers or something, you know? Yeah. Or to myself, I'm like, I'll figure it out because I'm very headstrong. I'm like, I'll figure out why. And so I'm very trial and error. I wish I was, I wish I would have gone to someone else to just tell me what you did. So this is what this episode is. Listen to like my old self because yeah, I didn't, I didn't listen to, I don't think I was looking for someone else to tell me. I think I was just this looking to figure it out by myself. I that's what I think more than anything.

SPEAKER_02 22:55

Did you you kind of had to? It's like your mom didn't kind of your mom didn't grow up. Yeah, you know. But I didn't.

SPEAKER_03 23:02

I didn't I could have gone to family, but I didn't even think to. I was just like, oh, you're just now thinking that. I literally thought about this right now.

SPEAKER_02 23:09

You're like, dang, if I would have went back, I never would have opened up. Maybe this would have been different or that would have been different. Yeah, I definitely would tell myself, like, girl, were they in the same town as you? Yeah. See, I had no my black side of my family, they not even close, like the same town. Yeah. Didn't really have much of my mom's side of the family, didn't really have many black people in my school.

SPEAKER_04 23:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

So it was very opposite. It's so crazy how like our worlds are like alike, but opposite. Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 23:37

Yeah. I lived in a very mixed place. Like it was very black and white and you Mexicans.

SPEAKER_02 23:49

Hola. Well, gosh, as a teen, oh my goodness. A teen, I was so lost. I was lost in so many ways, ways as a teenager. First, I was like, oh, I like boys. And I was like, oh, um, I'm I'm I really like boys. Like, what's kissing? What's this? But I didn't have my mom to go what's sex. Like, yeah, I I didn't have my mom or even my dad or even have that comfortable. I didn't feel comfortable even. Like, I would talk to my younger sister and she didn't even know anything, you know? Yeah. It's like, oh my god. Even when I started my period, I went to my sister. She held my hand and went to my mom with me and told her I started my while I'm sitting there as the middle person because I didn't know how to even approach it. I was so embarrassed.

SPEAKER_03 24:35

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:36

I didn't know how to be like, um, I'm bleeding and I have a crime scene in my panties. How do I fix this?

SPEAKER_03 24:42

Like, yeah, I didn't have a conversation. I had my period when I was 10, and we had literally the fourth grade had just had like, this is what's gonna be happening to you soon. Like two weeks later, I started my period. I was at my friend's house who lived down the street from us, and I told her mom, and her mom gave me like a pad, and then I told my mom, and she didn't have a conversation with me. She just bought some pads and tampons and just gave them to me. And I was like, thanks. And did you read the directions? Girl, the first time the first time I wore tamp pads, I mean tampons, I didn't take the plastic part out. I just had the whole shit in there. And I was like, these are really uncomfortable. And then my like the second period, my sister told me, She's like, you gotta push it out. And I'm like, oh my that's the first time you the first period, the whole period. I didn't take the applicator out. I didn't know to. And girl, I was 10.

SPEAKER_02 25:35

I was afraid of tampons. Oh my god. I didn't wear a tampon for not even in high school. I was like, my mom was made me think, like, oh, if you're wearing tampons, you're gonna lost your virginity and all that. Oh my god, it's like, oh my gosh, I can't wear tampons. So I I I remember cheering and like having to roll up toilet paper sometimes because it was so Yeah, I can't imagine playing volleyball. And then I'm like, okay, I can't even kick my leg like all the way up, you know, when you're cheering. Like, hi, remember it was just so bad because I was just, I didn't, I didn't even have anyone at school, a close friend I'm telling you, that I could go to. Yeah. It was, I have like a very awkward teenage high school. It's like I was trying to fit in in so many ways, like, oh, do I want to play sports? Oh, is there a club? I'm not smart enough to do this. I'm no, I can't do that. Like my mind was just always messing with me. But then going when we get into our adult life, like it made me realize, like, okay, I found that in my 30s. I'm diagnosed as autistic, autistic. There's I have depression, I have a lot of anxiety. Like, I have things I never even uh seeked help for. Yeah. When I was younger, I only went to the hospital with a doctor or anywhere. You break a bone or you you you're not getting better. But you've been 103 for three days.

SPEAKER_03 26:54

Yeah, so now go to the doctor.

SPEAKER_02 26:56

Yeah, good. Yeah, like mental health was even chicken pox.

SPEAKER_03 26:59

Oh, yeah, it was mental health was not even a conversation that we've had at all.

SPEAKER_02 27:04

No, and it's so crazy. Like, it's even like talking about you said you have a chicken box, you don't go nowhere. They get you go out back, they put they rub you up on something, and it's just like, oh, this is what it is. Like it's mental health, like the that part, and even like I now as now that I am older and I've gone through the whole process of figuring out more of myself, I look at my little self now and be like, that's what that was. Like, uh Yeah. And I'm not so hard on her anymore. Yeah. Because I was so hard on her. I was very hard on her to the point where I was like, I want to be the biggest star in the world one day. I wanna, I wanna, you know, like make everyone happy, make my parents happy. I wanna just be something because I didn't feel like anything and I felt like I had nobody. Um, especially when you do grow up fast. Like you want, I want my mom, or my not my mom, but of course I want my mom to be proud and happy, but I want my sister, my younger sister at the time.

SPEAKER_01 28:11

Um I felt like she's just really the only one I grew up with. I feel like she's the one that knows like everything about me. Like no one knows as much as she knows about me. And like, because we went through that together.

SPEAKER_03 28:31

And I um I might I can't really get it out where the angle is.

SPEAKER_01 28:42

I uh I think that I get mad at myself sometimes because I wish that I would have had a different life. Um I know I really shouldn't think like that because I love my parents, my siblings, and all that, but there are things I would have done differently.

SPEAKER_02 29:04

I would have lived my life a little bit more when I was younger. I would have had more fun. I wouldn't have taken it so serious of like, oh, I have to take care of my sister, but I can't be a kid too, you know? Um, and I'm mad at myself that I missed out on that. And it makes me want to do like even Sunny, she's only two, and I'm like, what can I get her into? Like, yeah, how can I get her to like see all of her family and travel the world and play sports and do all these things so soon because I used to look at other families and be like, they have it made, they're driving the soccer mom car, and they can they can play any mom had four.

SPEAKER_03 29:45

My mom could I used to hide. I remember my friend, she was like, Why are you ducking? She thought she's like, Are you embarrassed with your mom? I'm like, she actually was mixed as well, and she was embarrassed that she had a white mom. I was like, No, I'm embarrassed of this van. Are you embarrassed of your mom too? I'm like, no, but my mom's cool, but the van is like blue and rusty.

SPEAKER_00 30:04

Yeah, my mom had a red one. You know, she love that thing, though.

SPEAKER_03 30:08

Some people talk about they don't realize that they were poor, and I was like, no, I knew I was poor. And I knew I was supposed to be rich. Like, it's it's really interesting. I have this here because my mom had a lot of, I don't know, like cities actually, especially more than they do now, have a lot of programs that you can do that are free programs that are city public. I was involved in so many things. Yeah, I feel like whatever you could sign up for, my mom was like, Do you want to do this? And I was like, Yep. Yeah, yep. It's really interesting because all my other siblings didn't do anything. I did everything, I was so ready for life. Like, I just I've always been like, I'm gonna experience life, like literally my whole life. And so my mom definitely got me signed up to things. And then after I found teammates, like I got to beat the thing. So my mom couldn't go, but uh, my teammates would be like, Oh, we're taking her. And so I'd be off with teammates, parents, whatever. And I always hated that, you know, my mom couldn't be there, and I'd be like, Oh, I'm like the star of the team, and like everyone else is people's parents are holding up signs for me and stuff. And I'm like, but my mom isn't, and so I I feel the same way why I want to be famous. I'm like, well, if everyone's gonna cheer me on, I'm gonna make my family cheer me on. Yeah, and that's actually they say they say the best sign of childhood is if your kid doesn't want to be famous, that means that they don't seek validation from anything. And I'm like, Well, I want to be a star. So there you go. I need validation.

SPEAKER_02 31:35

Um I just wanted to, I mean, I wanted to be, I would just see, I never traveled, I never went on vacations. I didn't know anything but a small town in Tennessee. And so I was I would see things on television. Oh, Disney World, oh Florida, oh, like, and then you would hear about people coming back from spring break. I don't even know what spring break is. I know how to go run in fields and barefoot and just enjoy the sun.

SPEAKER_03 32:00

Like, you know, no, I went to I went to the movies and I would sit at the movies and I would watch like three movies and I would just sit in the movies and imagine being in different worlds. Yeah, like I'm like, oh, you can go do this, you can do that. Like, I didn't watch movies, like, oh, that was entertaining. I watched like, oh, I could be a biker. Or like, oh, I could be a sailor. Like, I was that's probably even why I like sci-fi so much right now. Is it's like again, me that 15-year-old, 16-year-old in the mirror talking about this isn't my life, this isn't my life. I just imagine what my life could be constantly. And yeah, that I my mom dedicated simple man to my brother just being content with little things. My mom is so content with just simple life, and I've always been like, give me more. No, for sure. But in a way of like, I'm just so curious.

SPEAKER_02 32:51

You've lived that simple life already with your parents.

SPEAKER_03 32:54

And I love simple things, I love going camping, I love being in nature, but it's more like on my day-to-day, I could very much live in a small town and do stuff, but I just think there's just so much in life to experience what I think I just have a explorer spirit, you know? Like, there's just one life. We have days that we can just we could just do things like why not? Why not make this life enjoyable and fun, you know? Yeah, and yeah, little me was just so ready. And my mom was just like, did not get it. Yeah, no, I she did not get it. She was just like, You just won so much. I'm like, yeah, yeah, I do.

SPEAKER_02 33:30

My mom got it when I was like 15, and I was I would want magazines and I would try modeling like every model in there, and I would be and I would be practicing. That's when I signed my first modeling agents with my first contract. I was 15 years old, signed with Elite in Atlanta, and I was getting gigs, but I would have to sometimes take a greyhound. I would have to, you know, I was getting there, like it was a drive, but I uh that's when I was just like, I don't want I'd say I don't want this. They I can always come back here to this small town, but that that I was so hungry for what I was seeing. I knew that there was something more out there when I got out. Woo! I did not go back. I I love to visit, but it's so crazy to see nothing changes. Sometimes it just things just go backwards. So yeah, but no, I I feel like going now into my adult life, yeah. We've I don't know if we're transitioning over to that. I just wanted to say a couple more things about my teens.

SPEAKER_03 34:30

Um at the end of this, I really want to, I I actually really love my teen in early 20s, so there's a lot I love. Um, because I was just locked in. But I really it was really the boys. It's interesting because I had a very packed schedule. So I mean, I had practice, I had practice before school, then I had school, then I would have another practice, and then I have practice for my travel team. So it's pretty much from 5:30 to 9 locked in. As soon as I get home from team from club, do homework for an hour, go to bed like clockwork. I didn't have free time. So between each season, because I was three sport athletes, between each season, I had like a week and a half where I'd be like, I'm free for a week and a half, and then I'm like, boys, and I just didn't get them. Like, I just I they're I'm cute, I'm in shape. Honestly, I did not need to have the body that I had at 17. It was amazing. It was like so good, and I was just like, boys, and I just didn't, you know, again, not being raised with my dad or like having really a male figure, and I was just like so gay boys. But thankfully I had sports because I didn't even really have time. There was like a in my sophomore year, everyone started getting pregnant, and thankfully, as much as I I really sucked with boys and like being too fast, but I didn't have time to be as fast as like my hormones were like my hormones would have had me doing crazy, crazy. I just still did crazy stuff, but I only did it like a week and a half out of every year. So I had like about five weeks a year where I was turned up. But if I didn't have sports, I would have been pregnant at a very early thing 100%. It was like a fashion trend. It was like, you know, like everyone's wearing bell bottoms, everyone with this, everyone's pregnant. Uh yeah, when I was 16, like everyone got pregnant at my school. My school was fights and pregnancy. Um the fights were over. No, it was just separate. Like there was fights and then there were people while we were pregnant. It was just like, it was that. There was just nothing to do. And then, but luckily, again, I had sports, and luckily I had one every season because otherwise it would have been bad. It would be a different situation. That's one thing she did right. She stayed in sports and stayed busy because I definitely knew that I wanted to get out of Indiana, and sports was at that time the way that I was gonna get out of Indiana.

SPEAKER_02 36:44

So that was what you thought like going into college. You play sports in college?

SPEAKER_03 36:48

A hundred percent. No, no, um, I got randomly selected by a wealthy benefactor. Your fake grandma? My fake grandma. My dad married this woman when I was two. Her parents for some reason adopted my sister when I was 15. Then they were rich as shit. And I went to their house the first time. They have like hundreds of millions of dollars. I went to their house, I remember they had like a at that time it was like six million. The house now is like $25 million house. Mind you, at this time I'm living in trailer park. So go to their house, and I'm like, what? And then uh my sister's living with them. And then when the next summer came along, I was like before my junior year, my sister called me and she's like, Do you want to go to boarding school? And I'm like, Yeah. She's like, Oh, wait, you wanna go? She's like, Yeah. She's like, Oh, we were talking about last year, but you thought you were gonna say no. I'm like, no, let's go. And then I remember I will never forget because my mom had to fill out a form to talk about what she made. And that year, my mom had made $22,000. And I'm like, how do you have three kids? You made $22,000. And then I remember my grandma wrote a check for my school and it was for $36,000. And she just handed them the check. And I was like, and then that day we went shopping for my stuff, and then she was like, Okay, well, then I had $2,000 for like in school per month stuff, and on campus, you just everything's provided for you. So she gave me $2,000 a month for literally I bought school sweatshirts, I bought everything in the store, and then she gave me another $2,500 for my to go out stuff, and you can only go off campus on Saturday and Sunday. So you were rich. I was I had $5,000 a month, $4,500 a month that I didn't have to pay any bills. Yeah. And there was, it was, I was making more than my mom now, doing nothing. I I mean my friend Corless, I've on the weekends, I was 17. On the weekends, I started Lil Wayne went on tour and I started flying. Me, my sister friends, we would fly. If Lil Wayne was on tour that night, we would fly to the city, we would stay at bed and breakfast because we couldn't get hotels because we weren't 18 yet. It was like, I don't know, I was literally like a whole no, I'll always say that I'm the real first, I'm from the Fresh Prince of Bellars. The same thing that happens. And I don't know, but little me was I I always said that as much as I woke up every day and like this isn't my life, and I was working my ass off, and I thought it was gonna be sports, I think the energy kind of like summoned them. Like I thought it was gonna be sports that got me out, and it ended up being them, but I think the energy was like it's you're getting out somehow.

SPEAKER_04 39:19

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 39:19

And because I was busting my ass. I mean, I'm telling you from 5:30 to 9 o'clock work, I was in it. And that's one thing that I really love about myself. She was determined and locked in. And I I go back to you kind of mentioned it with being diagnosed and stuff like that. There was little moments in school where I noticed that I had ADHD kind of, but I didn't notice that much because I was so so active in so many things. You know, people always like, you can't do all those things, and I could. It's it was perfect environment for my ADHD. It was three months of we have a goal, we're gonna get a championship, so I could focus on that sport. But then I also had pep clubs, then I also had choir, then I also had band. And so I was so stimulated, and I had a schedule, and this is they told you exactly what they wanted from you. So it was like a thriving environment. And so I'm even now being finally diagnosed with ADHD and knowing it, I'm trying so hard to get back locked into a schedule like that because I was a lee then. Because I I need it, I need variety and I need this hard schedules. Routine. But routine with variety. Because after the otherwise, after three months, it's like, okay, girl, I'm like that.

SPEAKER_02 40:29

I'll be taking like I used to go to work, I'd be like, okay, I gotta take the long way now. I can't be looking at the same trees every day. It's like you do need variety.

SPEAKER_03 40:36

You need variety, but I think having that new sport every three months, because that three months is really the thing too. Right when it hits. But then I also had clubs that were kind of like lower commitment than my sport was, but it was still like something else to kind of if okay, this month is kind of boring in basketball, you know? And like locking into I wish I could have been like, okay, girl, you have ADG and take this over. That's one thing. If we want to dive into like our 20-year-old selves, because at 20, I just I lost all structure. I go to college, full-time college is till 12. Classes are nine to 12 when you're full-time. Then it's just like, all right. And then I got scholarship for academics, so I was like, I'm not playing sports. My senior year had both my ankles taped, my knee was taped, my hip was taped, my my hip was taped, my wrists were taped. And I was talking to my coaches, like, oh, where do you want to go? And I'm like, I'm rich now. I don't I was playing sports to get out. I was like, I'm already out. So I started, I mean, in high school, I started taking acting classes after once my grandparents started doing it. I did start taking acting classes. I loved acting. And then so then yeah, I'm like, I'm not playing sports. I'm about to sports in college is even more dedication. I was ready to try new things, and I also had the support to try new things. And I didn't know that I needed structure. I did not know how you never had structure. I always had structure. Or in sports. No, but I had structure because it was my daily life. Like you go to my my whole, even in in school, you have your passing periods. The classes are 45 minutes. Like, you know, like my whole day. I'm switching, I'm going somewhere. So then you get 20 and you're just like, class is done at 12, so you at nine in the morning, you're like, ooh, what I have free time. I didn't have the same allowance, but I still had a little bit of allowance. I had to work two hours in the gym for, but otherwise, I'm like, yeah, I'll have free time. Shit. Then the ADD just took over.

SPEAKER_02 42:36

I think your early early adult life just for me, I look at myself and I'm like, I wish I would have not. I used to think that I had to follow a certain path. I used to think that by this age I needed to be married, I had a kids, I had to go have had to have a college degree. Right. Had to have a college degree. Uh, because that's what everyone was doing where I was from. And so I I'm the same way. Like when I decided I'm not staying here, I'm gonna go live in Australia. Like, I I went to Australia for a year, then I come back and I moved. After high school? Well, not right after. I stayed and went to college. I tried that.

SPEAKER_03 43:24

Too much freedom.

SPEAKER_02 43:25

For a few years. Yeah, for a few years. And it was just like, it was just like this place sucks. Like, I just did not want to, I didn't feel it. Like, um, but I I went to I went to Los Angeles, and that's when I went how old are you? This is like 2013. So 24? 2012, yeah. Somewhere around there. It's when I very first went there, and I was like thinking I was a grown girl, like grown, grown. Yeah, girl.

SPEAKER_03 43:51

I went when I was 20, so I already know.

SPEAKER_02 43:53

And I thought, okay, I get my own place, I have my own car. Then I'm I'm sitting here having this dream. And realizing I'm doing adult stuff. Yeah. Like now I don't have a family. I don't know. I wasn't taught anything to now know. Like I got paid bills. Yeah. I didn't know anything about investing. Bank. I only knew how to have a checking account and a debit card. And hopefully don't make it overdraft.

SPEAKER_03 44:21

That's all I knew going to. I remember signing for my first. I got my first apartment when I was 20. And I remember, I remember my grandma's assistant being like, my rent was $12.50. And she's like, Are you sure you can handle that? And I'm like, yeah, I had no idea. I was like, duh. I'm like, it's 1250. I was like, that's nothing. Like that in my head, it was nothing. And for somehow, for two and a half years, I paid that. And I mean, gigging and all the stuff. And because this is pre-Uber and all the gig economy did not exist yet. But um yeah, I remember people worrying about like, how are you gonna pay it? And I'm like, what do you mean? You just pay it. Like, yeah. I didn't even know like I'll figure it out. Like, you know, and my grandparents gave me six months, and then yeah, I was just like, they're like, This is all you have, and I'm like, all right, I'll be a subway then.

SPEAKER_02 45:08

So you figured it out though, didn't you? You lived LA for how long?

SPEAKER_03 45:12

I did, but who 14 years. Um see, I was right a little under that. Yeah, but I I'm uh as much as I did figure it out, I wish I would have got a roommate. Um, although I ended up having a roommate because there's always someone that needs to live with you in LA. Um, this is better that way. It is kind of it's like mine, you can stay, but like if you get weird, because the bitches were weird too, and ended up needing to go, but um thank you for not being weird, Amber.

unknown 45:41

You're welcome.

SPEAKER_03 45:44

Um, but yeah, little 20-year-old me once I wish, I think because the freedom that I had that I never really had before, I got into guys a lot. Like I'm a little bit of you where oh, you gotta start having relationships and getting with someone. And I think because I didn't have as much as I know I wanted to be a star and I wanted to work on projects, it really shifted from career to like being in a relationship and trying to figure out how to make that work. And my as much as I would I moved to LA for like with a cause in mind, uh, I definitely got more like I wanna I want to find someone to date and have a relationship. And I think that became like primary focus. Not an I think it's if I if I look back on like the dating the type of people that I dated, I think it would be easier to be like, oh, like oh, I I wasn't even thinking of someone taking care of me. I was thinking like I want to be in a relationship. Like that's I always kind of envisioned my relationship with a man was gonna be the like we were gonna be a partnership and we were gonna build this thing together. And I didn't realize that the type of people that I dated, everybody was looking at them like let me, which can I get from you? And they just were looking at me like you're just cute. And I don't even try and if you I'm gonna best in little is you gonna ask me. And I wasn't even asking. I was like, I'm not gonna ask her anything. Oh that not eat you up when you promotion of asked. My number one lesson to 20-year-old me is run these niggas up. Get that money, bitch. That is I am so sick of the relationships. I was like, I don't wanna ask for anything. Like, what? Yeah, all of like they expect it. And I I I'm so sick that I just was like dating the hundred people that I did before. I was just like, oh, they probably really like me because I'm not asking them for anything. Yeah, so they can have more business. Like, okay, you could stay along. Oh, you're yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 47:46

I think you don't really want nothing, you want 120. Oh my god. Oh my god. It was yeah. I um this boys was like that with me though. Yeah, I think I met you kind of fairly not too long after I moved there. Yeah, I think like you're probably there two years by the time I went at Made. Yeah, I was kind of a little my I you saw my boy situation too. Like at some time. It wasn't that bad. I'm like, you real hush, hush. It wasn't that bad. It was hush hush, but like I was kind of the same. I I would kind of prioritize sometimes that over like why I was really.

SPEAKER_03 48:17

Yeah, and I would try to help, I would like think of ways I'm like, oh, I'm gonna try to help them and stuff. These motherfuckers got assistance, yeah, every plural, and like they got a whole team, and I'm trying to help them more. I don't need to know. I should have just been sitting passenger side, worried about being cute, and you figure out, give me a team. Like, like I was so worried about that. And I even, I'll never forget. I I I wanted, I moved to LA with this idea that Jamie Foxx or Will Smith were gonna be my mentor. That was in my head. I met Jamie my second week, and he pitched me for my first commercial. All my friends were writing on Jamie's album. So I don't know, I got to be close with him. And he We hung out with Jamie together. I've hung out, yeah. Yeah. Jamie was like my big brother, and he like he loves Leo's. Like all his sisters are Leos, like he loved, like all his friends are Leo's. So he's like, You're a Leo. And um, maybe like the second month I was around him, because again, all my friends were writing, working on his album. And one day I like his drunk girlfriend, he was was drunk, he was like, I need someone to take, take me home, take, come with me to take her home. And I was like, I'll come. So we drop her off and we're talking, whatever. And he was like, Oh, so what's your? I was like, honestly, I moved here and I just wanted you to be my mentor. And he was like, All right, I got you. And I was like, okay. And so then, like I said, he pitched me for my first stuff, and then he started introducing everyone. Like, I'm in LA in six months, and Jamie's taking me to meet, and he's like, Yeah, this is my little sister, and like he's just introducing me, and I am it. And at this time, I don't know. I had this thing in my head when I was in my last semester of college, and everyone's like, it's all about who you know. And I was like, Well, I'm gonna know everybody. And then I literally met the most lit people, and Jamie sat me down one day and he was like, You gotta pick your camp. He's like, he's like, you know, everybody, you have the connections, like you need to lock in. And the person I chose was someone that I was so obsessed with romantically, that was the one person that did the least for me. He showed consistently, and I had that little eight-year-old me that was just trying to impress everyone to be like, 'Why don't you like me? Like everyone else thinks I'm so dope.' Why? And he thought I was dope enough. Like he talked kindly, but his actions didn't match.

SPEAKER_01 50:33

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 50:34

And I stuck with the person that like I had to prove myself so much for. And I did. I wrote music with him and I have songs and stuff with him, but I didn't even want to do music. And Jamie was right there, the pinnacle of what I want to do. And I didn't choose to be in their camp and like go hard with them because of a fucking man.

SPEAKER_02 50:54

Oh, there's so many things that I do because you're in love.

SPEAKER_04 51:00

Let me just girl.

SPEAKER_03 51:02

I will, but I will say one time he told me, I was like, I just feel like I have so much love to give you. And he was like, Well, give it to yourself. And I was like, What? But he was so right. He was so right. I wish I would have prioritized myself. He's a dope human. Not Jamie didn't say that, my whatever. Um, yeah, no, Jamie's dope. I love Jamie.

SPEAKER_04 51:20

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 51:21

But I didn't prioritize myself, and I wish I would have. Yeah. Because when because I'm a kind person, and if I would have prioritized myself, I would have been able to help more people. I would have been able to do more things. But probably both of us probably would have been further along. I mean, I did, I got that assault happened to me when I was 21. And that definitely was my first thing because I was like, I was doing this a pageant, and being a pageant girl was so outside of me. I was not cutesy. Like, I say I had a nice body, but I didn't see myself as like a girly girl, and I didn't know how to do my makeup, and I was, you know, so getting assaulted right before that happened. That was like my first time. Like, I'm trying something new. So that was definitely scary, and that knocked my confidence down. And then going through that alone. Um I think I wish I would have told I I just was like, okay, let's keep going. Like I didn't I don't think I really processed it. I wish I would have gotten to therapy after that. Because I didn't realize so many. That was the first time in my life where I didn't complete something that I started. And there's so many things I haven't completed since then, which I have grace on myself now a little bit because I do realize that part of it was because I didn't have structure with my ADHD. But I also know a lot of it was fear, and I was so scared to do the pageant. I was so scared.

SPEAKER_02 52:39

So you just didn't do it at all?

SPEAKER_03 52:40

No, I was assaulted two weeks before it, and I had a busted head. Why did I think that happened after it was two weeks before? So I was already terrified to do the pageant. Yeah, and so I I literally part of me felt like I summoned this assault because I was so scared to do this news thing. And I think I don't think that at all anymore, but I think I kind of put that into myself and I wish I would have gone to therapy after. But no one would like even suggested it. I'm like, the adults, my grandparents, I was kind of and my mom, I'm like, how did they not check on me? How do you have your 20-year-old girl that just literally gets beat, wakes up in the hospital with stables and everything? And how are you not checking on her constantly? I remember I asked my grandparents that too. I was like, hey, can you help me with my rent? And they're like, okay, well, you have to pay me back. My 1250 rent. Mind you, these again, these people have like hundreds of millions of dollars, and I literally just got beat, and you're telling me, like, okay, well, you're gonna have to pay me. I'm like, that's kind of why I say I kind of waned off of them. But um, that was crazy, and I wish I would have had someone to be like, girl, go to therapy, you know. And I wish I had a friend that was like would have pushed me to do the pageant the next year and be like, you know what, they robbed this of you, do it. And I even if I didn't have a friend, I wish I my old self would have just did it because that fear, I feel like it I internalized and it kind of made me fear to do a lot of things. Probably why I don't do stand-up.

SPEAKER_02 54:07

You I wish you would have stuck to it. I am gonna do it. I have a thing, but because you are funny, yeah. You're very funny. Yeah, and Liv both are. I feel like she's gonna be super witty, yeah. She's very witty. I tell her that all the time. Yeah. But I uh with your younger self, or when you're saying it what you made me vision was your little maybe six, even seven, eight-year-old self laying there as in your 20-year-old body, 21-year-old body, eat up and needing that, still needing that human or that person or that family. I'm here, yeah. Yeah, isn't it crazy how I can't imagine you still need that?

SPEAKER_03 54:50

But I can't imagine being live being 21. I would have flew out and like there's her. I I can't imagine that you're just first of all, being in 20 in LA is crazy. It is.

SPEAKER_02 55:02

You think you're so grown out there. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 55:05

And yeah, but I then getting beat and like no one coming. My sister drove up from San Diego for the for a day. Um, but yeah, it was just that was really crazy. That was the thing that made me be like, oh, I'm I'm out here by myself. It made me really feel like it's me against the world. And I kind of at the I used to be very friends, and we had an episode about, oh, when do you make friends? And I think I had such a big friend group and I kind of started closing because I'm like, people aren't even there for you, like you know? Yeah. So that was definitely I wish that I would have been the known that it's like, no, those are the people who just weren't your people because they were just using you for access to everyone that you had and find your people that are your people. That's really what I wish. I think there's so many people in my life that showed they were there for who I was around and stuff. And I wish I would have hold held on to the people that showed that, like, no, I have stuff for you. I can talk you up, and I didn't. I was that person that's like, oh, I gotta prove that I have worth, you know. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Like, what? Yeah, and it's interesting though, because in my head, I think I know it so much, but in my actions, I'm like, I'm around people that like don't that I gotta prove it to though. I yeah, that's what I was saying there. That like earlier, we gotta stop proving. Like, oh, I'm past this. Yeah. Oh, I'm past this. I'm so I want to be around people that I can spoil because I know they're gonna spoil me back with energy. If anyone acts kind of weird about them, I'm like, I don't know, you don't celebrate me enough. And I don't want to be around people that I can't celebrate either. Like, if I kind of feel like you're not really as dumb, I don't want to be around you either. Cause you should be, you should have somebody that fuck with you all the way. And if I can't fuck with you all the way, like, should I be around you?

SPEAKER_02 56:43

Yeah, and your worth isn't something you should have auditioned for. Like, it's like I I'm very happy with where my life is and my friend grew. Like, I you, I want to tell you everything. Yesterday I was like, girl, look what happened. Girl, this, girl that. I like, and sometimes I like and I know you, I'm like, she's gonna read it. I'm gonna talk to her about it when I get home. Because you know me.

SPEAKER_03 57:04

I'm like, I can't like, I'm like, I gotta have a conversation. No, yeah, it hasn't come.

SPEAKER_02 57:07

I thought I already knew that in my mind. I was like, just listen to me. Like, I just gotta tell you. But I like I had a very rough week when I'm not. Um, but no, you're my person, and I'm so happy I've I have that like as an adult now. I found that. Yeah. Because it's it's it's so I already know I can tell you there's no judgment. Yeah. I it's behind closed, like, and it's kept to yourself. Like, I know it's not going anywhere. Not your and I love that. Like, I love having that. And I and like, wow, my little me finally found that friend, finally found that person. Um, and even my mom now, like I had the best time with her this past week. And I I'm finally seeing like she, I it's so crazy because I've had a lot of trauma and such a lot of time. She had so much trauma, but her little self regretting things, not and not even that her little self as a 27-year-old with me, being like, Well, let me do this now because I didn't do that before. Yeah, you know, and then I see her setting stuff up for my my daughter because she wasn't able to do that for me at her age. It's so healing.

SPEAKER_03 58:11

It is healing. I think I think even I'm not a grandparent yet, and I'm sure there's gonna be things I mess up on, but even in having a child, it heals part of your inner child. And I feel like that's how my mom is with Livia too. And they usually say that grandparents are cooler with you know their grandkids. But I I I go back to my younger self and be like, I was kind of I was really hard on my mom because I didn't see my mom's battles as she, you know, you don't see your parents as human until like you're an adult. So I know I put a I was I said some mean things to my mom when I was 16.

SPEAKER_04 58:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 58:44

Um and I I really regret it. I mean, it's I have a I hold bold spaces of she wasn't providing me what I needed, and that can be true, while also realizing that she has this younger version of her that she just didn't know stuff.

SPEAKER_02 59:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 59:02

So I can acknowledge that, oh, I didn't get what I needed, but also like I feel bad because I mean she had she was divorced with two kids by 21. Both his parents were dead, her parents were dead. Oh and I'm like, I can't imagine all four grandparents die in a year and a half, two years of each other. You have two kids, your husband's off in the Gulf War, and you don't communicate for months. My her whole pregnancy with me, they didn't talk.

SPEAKER_02 59:28

She You don't have cell phones and stuff. There's no cell phones like he's on a black office.

SPEAKER_03 59:32

You have to write girl. They didn't, he didn't I didn't talk to my whole pregnancy. He came back when I was a couple months old, and she was like, you know, wow, and I but and on top of that, and that time his parents passed, her dad passed, and she's in California, left Indiana, and she's all by herself this place. So it's like I there's no way for me to process that. And when I think about that, I'm like, oh my god. Yeah, that is that's that's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 59:57

I it was your dad, um, militar or army, yeah, military. Yeah, okay.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:02

So I'm just like, I can't, yeah, I don't. I I have so much more sympathy than I want because I'm like, I don't think I could have handled what you went through. Yeah, yeah. Like, especially I think about people having being a solo parent of multiple kids. Oh my god. With the amount of money that she was getting. 22,000. Oh, I mean and my friend, we were we he's from the same place, we're both grew up poor, and we we like did it, they calculated like how much money you needed to run over, and we're like, dang, this is this is this is what a family affords. It needs like a hundred. I don't know, it was a ridiculous amount. And I'm like, I don't know how I'm alive. I didn't worry about food. I didn't break food, but I never like worried about food. I definitely always I'm so so thankful I always had a roof over my head. But I yeah, I'm like, how did I live off that?

SPEAKER_02 1:00:50

That beef stroganoff and the hamburger helper.

SPEAKER_03 1:00:54

That butterbread, that's how you're gonna be. That was just nostalgia. Oh my god, that was so good. Yeah, we gotta make our kids one day one of those like Liv liked it. I made her hamburger helper last year. She was like, Oh, this is so good. It is good. Oh my god. Struggle meals, struggle meals. I don't know how we survive though. And like I, but we did. And I and I, as much as I have so many, like I would again, I like at the beginning of the episode, I would definitely change things. Like if nobody could go back and change things, as long as I could still have live, I would definitely like people like I I no, it made me nah. I think I really even now I'm in a space where like I'm really trying to look for mentors because I realize it's a common theme where I don't have anyone where I can like look up to. And uh if you're a 50-year-old woman out there, you're seeing this and you see me and you email me, please. Because I I know how much life is literally just lessons and things that you can learn, and you can learn from other people. And just to have someone guiding you, like, ah, don't step there.

SPEAKER_02 1:02:03

No, don't do that, don't do that.

SPEAKER_03 1:02:05

I've seen this before, before it's happening. You know, I have a lot of I always see things on podcasts, and when when women dated, like I was a poor girl, it's cute, goes to LA or goes to any major city, and then they're like, you date older men, and they do whatever. There's always I always hear, like, oh, I wish I would have told myself not to talk to them. I would. Um I'm a poor young girl. Like, I don't have, I don't know people. I'm I'm not, I don't forget that at all. I just again run their pockets, is what I would say. I'm like, girl, run their pockets. And if they don't want to do it, somebody else is gonna do it. Like, run, like, enjoy it. I think I was so much like I need to love or whatever. And I should have been where I am right now in life, is so I want to have fun, I want to enjoy life. I wish I was more of that. And a younger age in my 20s. I definitely had it, and I I I love my early 20s, but there was like a my middle 20s who was like, I just wanted to be in love so bad, and I wish I could have just been like, I'm just enjoying life. I don't have a family yet. I wish I could have embraced it like that because I was in the environment to have a blast, and I think I made it like miserable because I'm like, oh, he doesn't love me, or at least not how I want him to. Like guys? Yes, I know, and then you try everything and do everything, it's just like I should have been like, where's the next one? I know, like have a roster. You're pissing me off. I'm about to go call the other one. Like, I should have been like, how I am now. Oh my god, if I was like this in my 20s, I would have run shit up. Like you're just running it up right now. I know, and it's it's it's but now I'm like I am the age where I kind of need to get a family now. Uh if I'm gonna do it, I gotta do it soon. Um I got a couple years. You do. Yeah, my grandma and my mom had kids in their 40s, so yeah. And like, who says that if you know, maybe we got two more, I got two more years than me. Yeah, two more. Two more years gonna turn it up, Chicago's. Girl, about like a year and a half. Okay, well, you know, let's go. Let's go. Let's go. I'm about to be in the middle. Oh, girl, let's um, we got the number. We're about to our little summer. We're gonna shoot this podcast in a linen. We're gonna shoot it in my end. We're gonna be everywhere in a year of summer shoot. Ooh, yeah, girl, we're gonna mm mm. Next, well, actually, we gonna see us in July on the yacht. Like, okay, on today's episode, guess whose yacht we're on. Hours. Of course. Let us use it, you know.

SPEAKER_02 1:04:34

No, I like where I'm at right now in life, though. And I um I think if we're doing a full circle, I would have changed some stuff too. I would have changed a lot. I would have changed how I spoke to myself. Yeah. I would have changed how I looked at myself like with confidence and um not have been as shy. Like I was such a quiet little human and just felt like I couldn't do anything wrong. Like it was just, yeah, it was it was very, I don't know. I I I don't know if it would just play a lot with like what went on at home.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:08

Um kind of quiet now though, too. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, when you're when you're like aware around people, yeah, but like if you're in a big setting, no.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:17

No, big settings in me don't do well. Anxiety.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:20

Oh who I'm if you gotta perform, you'll like kick it on. Like you have a you know you could do it, but I'm gonna do it.

SPEAKER_02 1:05:26

I'm the kind of person I like, I'll do what I gotta do, give me an hour tops, yeah. I'm sneaking out the back door. No one's gonna know how to leave. Yeah, but no, I I would have changed a lot of things about how I went. I think that way now. I've I've felt so much about my younger self probably the past six months than I have my entire life. Yeah. And I don't know if it's because of my kid, because I'm in this big transition.

SPEAKER_03 1:05:49

Um, I it is that I think it's so nice. Uh again, I I go back towards my teenage self. I really loved her because and I think what I'm just realizing in the last couple of weeks, I'm Like, oh, it's because she had structure, so she could be all the parts of her that she wanted to be. And it's good to go back on your older self and it's like, okay, why am I why how I am? And is it because this is my nature? Is this because of what I was around? Is this because of this one experience? Or this really works for me. Why does this work for me? Oh, you know what? I noticed that when I do this and this, I flourish, I do good. But when I'm like this, again, I'm just realizing with my schedule, like it's changed how I'm like, oh my God, I need accountability outside of myself because if I get like this, then I could be that girl that did a million things.

SPEAKER_02 1:06:33

Yeah. And you probably would have. I get so I beat myself up so much because there's so many things that have been unfinished in my life. And I don't know if it's also because I just just who I am. I've been undiagnosed ADEC. Yes. As I, you know, some things. Yeah. Um, but I don't finish a lot. And I am so mad at myself. Like, even you know how many times I tried starting a podcast? Right. You know how many times I I tried starting a swim line or a clothing brand or this or that?

SPEAKER_03 1:07:08

Like I I But I get bogged down in the little things and it burns me out. And that's why, again, even when I'm starting this, I was like, no, I need a partner, I need something, accountability. And that's what I'm knowing. I don't have as much, I have more sympathy on myself now realizing why I didn't finish it. I was like, oh, I had didn't have structure. Yeah. And I need now if I do something, I'm like, oh, you know what? I need this kind of person to balance me when I because I can't do this. Or even in in this, in this right now, I've noticed I'm like, oh, I need to hire certain things out because otherwise, if I get trapped in doing this, it's I'm I'm not my creative, I'm not in the part of it that I like, and then I don't want to do it anymore. And I won't, and I'll just look for the new thing that's interesting to me, you know?

SPEAKER_01 1:07:48

Yes.

SPEAKER_03 1:07:49

So just learning the things that make you tick, and that has been so big in the last month of just it's good.

SPEAKER_02 1:07:56

That's why you go back and you know, it's like I'm just evolving, and I but I I'm trying to take all of this stuff in the past and actually like Yeah, and see what you needed.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:05

Like, what do you become who I am? Like, what do you feel that you didn't have, you know? Yeah, then be like, okay, so what's missing? You can give that to yourself now.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:13

And I'm going to, yeah. Yeah. And I'm happy that I like finally this podcast, like this episode really like it dug in.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:22

Yeah, there was a things I didn't find when I was first doing the younger sub, I was like, oh, I didn't have anything. And then I was thinking about it.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:26

I'm like, actually. All versions. Yeah. And like I love all the versions of me. Trust me, there've been things that I regret. There have been things that I don't know.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:37

There's like 26 and 20, right before I had Live was very little iffy ones.

SPEAKER_02 1:08:42

See, I've had some dark times, but I learned so much. I think I learned the most in those times. And it made me like really figure it out on my own.

SPEAKER_03 1:08:50

Yeah, that's the biggest thing I go back and think of is like if I went back and told myself this, I'm like, will the lesson actually stick? There's only been like one lesson that took way too fucking long to learn, and it was about men, of course. Um, I think that's the one thing that's where I'm like, oh, I have regret because I think some lessons were just like so obvious. Like, bitch, why are you taking so long to learn this lesson? Like, he don't want you. Yeah. Like he proved it. He's not gonna change. It's been years, girl. Like he's gonna keep being this way. He can if his love saying I love you, and then it doesn't match with the action. Why do you need the why does the word hit you so hard?

SPEAKER_02 1:09:29

But the action is just we think we can just change something.

SPEAKER_03 1:09:33

I don't think that I really didn't listen to actions. My thing that I finally learned was listen to the action, don't listen to the words. But I love words, I write poetry, I wrote music. Like I won poetry contests I had published when I was young. I love words. It's my tier, like words of endearment. So anytime they tell me I'm cute, telling me I'm this, I'm like, every time I went to him, that man talked me up. Like he would take me to places and introduce, I've met someone. Why wouldn't you grow up? But I've met world leaders and presidents and stuff, and he'd be like, Oh, here's Lexi, she's a genius. What? Yes. Like, even you know how many people he'd stupid Trump. He told Trump I was a genius. Like he's sitting here telling me, so I'm like, in my head, I'm like, okay, he knows this. But then his actions don't show me that. It's like you can perform it and say it. So then I really internalized the words of it. And I, yeah, I wish I would have got over that.

SPEAKER_02 1:10:29

I think that you're really good about that now because now, girl, like I've seen you recently be like, yeah, this ain't working. Yeah, this isn't. I'm not feeling this. Um, I've it's uh 13 years, or it it's long and you and you don't even get upset, you're just like, it's just not into where you're where I want it.

SPEAKER_03 1:10:47

Like, yeah, like it's like this is really nice. I like you as a person, but this is what I need, and you don't can't provide it. And it feels good to just uh yeah, and you know what? Maybe that 13 years is why I didn't. I don't I learned it and I don't have resentment in it. Because you know, because you know, like some people like, oh you know, be happy with getting less than me or get happy, whatever. I'm like, no, I actually do wish you're happy with whatever, because you're we're just not aligned. I don't have any animosity when it doesn't work with people anymore. I'm just like, oh, I'm not your person, you're not my person. So you've grown from that. There's no animosity. I've grown. I've grown.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:21

You've grown. So that 20-year-old Lexi is just like she learned something.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:27

I think she learned something. Oh I like it. She was bold though.

SPEAKER_02 1:11:31

So uh before we take before we go away, um, what is one thing um that you still implement into your everyday life or your life that you've always done since you're a little self? I keep trying.

SPEAKER_03 1:11:48

Like I've always even same with you, is of I feel like sometimes I don't finish the things I don't want to do, but I'm not scared to start stuff and try new things. And I I never thought I'm scared to fail a little bit sometimes. I do get like a little bit of anxiety of like having to launch, but I'm not scared of like being like this isn't working and and getting rid of it. And I like that though, because coming here, I recently started talking to people that are more like corporate and you know, in corporate and in college, it's like the people that do follow the path of go to college, get a corporate job, and do that. It's very much structured. And so I'll tell them, I'm like, I'm gonna start this. And they're like, Wow, I like I'm gonna start a podcast, and then I do it, and you know, even when you said you're gonna do podcasts, people are like, Oh, it's like a show, it's like something like that. I'm like, Yeah, and they're like, Well, you did it. And I'm like, Yeah, I never thought that I wasn't gonna do it. And they're like, That's crazy that you just decided that you're just gonna do something. And you did it, and so I love that about me. And I I hope I always do that, where I'm just like, you can do it.

SPEAKER_01 1:12:45

If someone else is doing it, I I can do it. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:12:48

I don't have a doubt in my mind that I can't do it. And then I hope that I always keep with that.

SPEAKER_02 1:12:52

I think the one thing with you though is you can tell when you're under pressure. Yeah. What do you mean in what way? Like in the you get quiet. Oh yeah, I'm gonna lock in. You lock in, yeah. You're very like, so I can always read you with that in that way. But I love that about you because you're so determined. And when you lock in, like, look, look what it landed us. You know what I mean? Yeah. Um, because there is a lot like I even couldn't do over the past six, seven months because I had a two-year-old up under me, 24-7. And so just to see like you lock in and you help birth and you this podcast, it just shows you, you know, and it's it's growing and it's gonna and it's all becoming, and that that's what I love so much, just about our younger older selves. Because yes, that little girl is still in there, and we still are that sometimes. Yeah, but we are some bad ass bitches right now who have gone through it and have grown through it, and we are thriving. And that's what I'm proud of. And I I I just want to like take away and just like with all of this, honestly, I probably wouldn't have listened to anything if anyone was to tell my younger self, you should do this, you should do that. You know, I'm gonna take advice, but that's not who I would have been because you live and you learn as cliche as that sounds. But there is someone out there that is your younger self, and they're gonna hear this, they're gonna listen to this. And just know that you know, you're not behind, yeah, you're not off track, you're just becoming, and I think that's important.

SPEAKER_03 1:14:32

Um and yeah, so hard on you, don't be hard on yourself. Yeah, don't be hard on yourself. You can't you can't know what you don't know. And I think the biggest thing is once you know something, you don't go back and judge your past actions from how you acted because you didn't know, but you know now. Yeah, so don't regret the past, apply it to the present and keep it for the future, you know?

SPEAKER_02 1:14:56

So yeah, and be sure, please. There's anything that we can apply to help our adult selves and what we're doing now, let us know. And also your little versions, uh your little versions, yeah, the little versions of yourself, anyone out there in our community. Um, we want to hear. Um, is there anything that you relate to in this message? Is there anything that you want us to hear about? Um, yeah, drop it below, share, like, comment. We want to hear what you think. So, yeah, until next time. Bye.