The Trouble with Sex

SPECIAL EPISODE: Staying Home, Staying Sane & Staying Connected to Your Partner During Isolation

March 26, 2020 Dr. Tammy Nelson - Special Season 3 Episode 18
The Trouble with Sex
SPECIAL EPISODE: Staying Home, Staying Sane & Staying Connected to Your Partner During Isolation
Chapters
The Trouble with Sex
SPECIAL EPISODE: Staying Home, Staying Sane & Staying Connected to Your Partner During Isolation
Mar 26, 2020 Season 3 Episode 18
Dr. Tammy Nelson - Special

As we shelter in place, practice social distancing and adjust to the new normal, join Dr. Tammy as she gives us perspective and offers TEN TIPS on how to take care of yourself and your relationship during COVID times.

DR. TAMMY WANTS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS about Sex, Love & Relationships! Send your questions to [email protected].

WE ALL NEED A LITTLE PLEASURE RIGHT NOW. Activate Your Libido & Keep Your Sex Life Alive During These Difficult Times with Sex Toys from DAME. Visit dameproducts.com/troublewithsex and type in promo code DRTAMMY at check out for 15% OFF your order.!

BONUS! ENJOY A DOSE OF ART & CULTURE DURING COVID-19 by going on a FREE online tour of a world renowned museum or cultural center!

1. The Metropolitan Opera in New York – Nightly Streams
2. Metropolitan Museum - New York
3. Louvre - Parigi https://www.louvre.fr/en/visites-en-ligne
4. National Gallery of Art - Washington
5. Galleria degli Uffizi - Firenze
6. Musei Vaticani - Roma
7. Museo Archeologico - Atene
8. Prado - Madrid 

THE TROUBLE WITH SEX RESOURCES, REFERENCES & INFO

· To read more about how to improve your sex life, check out Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together.

· Learn more about love, marriage, monogamy and how to redefine your commitment to each other in Dr. Tammy's TEDX talk - The New Monogamy - or her book by the same name.

·  Book an ONLINE Couples or Individual Session with Dr. Tammy during COVID-19.
Email: [email protected].

 ·  Want more Dr. Tammy?  Read: The New Monogamy, When You're the One Who Cheats  and Getting the Sex You Want.

 ·  Listen to our full theme song here! NoTroublewithSex_ThemeSong 

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/thetroublewithsex)

Show Notes Transcript

As we shelter in place, practice social distancing and adjust to the new normal, join Dr. Tammy as she gives us perspective and offers TEN TIPS on how to take care of yourself and your relationship during COVID times.

DR. TAMMY WANTS TO ANSWER YOUR QUESTIONS about Sex, Love & Relationships! Send your questions to [email protected].

WE ALL NEED A LITTLE PLEASURE RIGHT NOW. Activate Your Libido & Keep Your Sex Life Alive During These Difficult Times with Sex Toys from DAME. Visit dameproducts.com/troublewithsex and type in promo code DRTAMMY at check out for 15% OFF your order.!

BONUS! ENJOY A DOSE OF ART & CULTURE DURING COVID-19 by going on a FREE online tour of a world renowned museum or cultural center!

1. The Metropolitan Opera in New York – Nightly Streams
2. Metropolitan Museum - New York
3. Louvre - Parigi https://www.louvre.fr/en/visites-en-ligne
4. National Gallery of Art - Washington
5. Galleria degli Uffizi - Firenze
6. Musei Vaticani - Roma
7. Museo Archeologico - Atene
8. Prado - Madrid 

THE TROUBLE WITH SEX RESOURCES, REFERENCES & INFO

· To read more about how to improve your sex life, check out Getting the Sex You Want: Shed Your Inhibitions and Reach New Heights of Passion Together.

· Learn more about love, marriage, monogamy and how to redefine your commitment to each other in Dr. Tammy's TEDX talk - The New Monogamy - or her book by the same name.

·  Book an ONLINE Couples or Individual Session with Dr. Tammy during COVID-19.
Email: [email protected].

 ·  Want more Dr. Tammy?  Read: The New Monogamy, When You're the One Who Cheats  and Getting the Sex You Want.

 ·  Listen to our full theme song here! NoTroublewithSex_ThemeSong 

Support the show (https://www.patreon.com/thetroublewithsex)

spk_0:   0:00
hi sexy listeners. Today we have a special episode about how to keep your relationship alive during the Corona virus quarantine. This is a scary time. Things change so dramatically within 24 hours and between what's going on in the media. Empty shelves at the grocery store, Kids home 24 7 All of this is affecting our relationships. If you're home with your partner, tryingto work from home trying to make your relationships happen. Not only are you socially distancing but physically distant from your normal life. And so I wanted to do this episode to reach out to all of you, all of my listeners, to try to give you some tips to stay sane while you're socially distancing. And me personally, I'm lucky that I can have an online business. I can stay connected to people I can offer sessions online. I could stay connected to my couples on my clients that I try to help with their relationships. But, you know, I'm lucky I'm privileged to be able to do that. Not everyone can do that, so I recognize that some of you are really struggling financially. It could be a hardship to go through I forced locked down or shut down because of this virus, and I want to let you all know that I'm thinking of you. You can always write to me through the trouble with sex dot com. You've heard me say many times that pleasure is power and our partners at Dame make products that are all about your pleasure, making the world a happier place, one vagina at a time. Dame makes toys for sex that take so low end couple play to new heights. Check out Dame products dot com slash trouble with sex and get turned on by their innovative designs and modern engineering for 15% off all your orders. Use promo code. Dr Tammy, that's D R T a M M y at check out again. That's dame products dot com slash trouble with sex promo code Dr Tammy, and discover your favorite pleasure toy

spk_1:   2:10
that way. Welcome to trouble with Sex, where we get up close and personal with leading experts to expose the naked truth about sex, love and relationships. I'm Dr Tammy.

spk_0:   2:35
Let's talk about how to stay sane and also stay connected. I personally can't stand this term social distancing because We're really not trying to be socially distant. We're trying to be physically distant, you know, at a time when we're surrounded by this virus that's so contagious, it makes sense that you don't want to be physically in contact with other people. You want to stay home and be safe and be healthy. But that doesn't mean you can't be socially connected. You know, we have social media, and we're at a period of time in history where you could be more socially connected than ever. So I want to give you 10 tips to keep your relationship alive. And Number one is to use technology to your advantage. You know, social media is a good way to keep yourself from going insane when you're stuck at home with your partner who yes, you may love, but you might not be used to being home all the time 24 hours a day with your spouse or your committed partner and your Children. You know, my life is always been partially a work from home life, and my husband has always been kind of working from home, so I'm a little bit used to being around each other for long periods of time. But I also know that some of you aren't really into that, and it could be close quarters and really stressful for a lot of you. To be in each other space all the time and maintaining your relationship without your own space can bring out a lot of a lot of arguing and a lot of conflict in your relationship. So use technology to let off some steam. Go on Facebook, go on instagram and look for the positive things that give you hope. I mean, social media can be scary, and you can look on the news and find the things that freak you out, and there's enough out there to scare anybody. But there's opportunity also to feel like you're in the same room with other people that are going through the same thing, even though you might feel isolated at home. You're not going through this by yourself like we're all going through this and, you know, frankly, it's not gonna last. Everything changes. This too shall pass, and we'll all get through this. If you're feeling isolated and you need a little space, go on your favorite social media app. Connect with people. Join a group, watch Facebook live joining Instagram live, you know, with one thing I notice is that there are a lot of talking heads out there saying Really positive things like you can download videos now of people that used to charge a lot of money to go see them, speak that are all giving away their content for free. I have noticed that there's musicians that are released saying sort of impulsive in studio songs that you can watch on social media. It's really quite astonishing how we're sort of all becoming this global community. As scary as it is in a way, it's connecting us, and I like that feeling. So I'm encouraging you to use technology to your advantage. Number two. Minimize your expectations. It's kind of like what I call the snowstorm effect. I'm gonna hunker down, gonna light a fire. We're gonna play board games, we're gonna make food, we're going to clean out closets. We're gonna all feel close to each other. And I'm gonna clean out the refrigerator like I was hoping I would. That period of forced isolation, joy last like two days as someone who's lived in Connecticut and gone through those snow storms, I can tell you that that forced isolation joy last, like 36 hours tops. And then you are crawling out of your skin. So really, if you've eaten all your snacks and your expectations about how joyful this experience was gonna be has now worn thin, that too, is normal, you know? So change your expectations about how you're going to clean out every closet and scrub every floor, fold all your clothes and get all your laundry done like the reality is you're gonna have to take this slow because we don't know how long it's gonna last or what's gonna happen. And you might have fantasized that you and your partner were going to do all these projects together like, now is the time you could finally get him to clean out the garage. Or you're gonna paint that room together or you're going to create this amazing painting together. Just watch your expectations. And don't be disappointed. Don't be angry at one another. Just know that this is a totally forced period of isolation and just let it go. It's gonna be what it's gonna bay tip number three. It clean out your closets, so pick out a manageable project like a small area that could be organized or finished in one day. Like find something where you can feel good about yourself. And if you want to connect with your partner around a project, ask them what they want to dio and what you could do together. So my suggestion around this tip is Have a list of three things. One. What's something that you want to get done while you're home in this forced cove it 19 period of isolation and number two. What's something that your partner wants to get done, Not what you want them to get done, because I'm sure you got a list of, like, 20 things, but what's something that they want to get done? And then number three. What's something that you could do together? And not that you suggest that you could do together, but something you agree on? What can you agree on? One project that you're going to do together? Not, You know, you're going to do the baby scrapbook that you've been planning since they were born, and they're now 19 and you have a 1,000,000 pictures to put in their scrapbook and your partner's rolling their eyes going, Oh my God, that's not my project. Agree on one project that you could do together that's gonna make you feel connected and alive. I have another couple who I was talking to the other day who said they always wanted to go back to the mixed tape that they made for each other when they were dating and see if they could download it onto their phones so they could listen to it. I thought that was so sweet and romantic, and they'd always talked about doing it. But they never had time, nor the inclination, frankly, and now they're trapped at home and actually going to do it. Although going back to minimize your expectations, you know they may or may not get it done. Tip number four stay connected while you're physically distancing, checking in with each other every day. One way to do that is to check in in the morning and at night. You know, when we're in close quarters, this sort of claustrophobia of that in a relationship can make you start to distance emotionally from your partner so that you almost create space around yourself because you feel like you have too much closeness. So one way to avoid that distance is to check in just twice a deck in the morning. How are you doing? How you feeling? What he got on board for today. You have any projects lined up? You know you're working from home. Do we need to divide up the space so we can work? Who's gonna entertain the kids? Are we going to get outside? What? Hecker, we're gonna eat, like, really figure out the plan for the day and see how each other are feeling emotionally. So it's really about planning, organizing and feeling. And then at the end of the day, check in again. Just connect. So how you doing? How is the day? How did we dio? How are you feeling emotionally? How my feeling emotionally house our relationship with standing all this. And you know what's interesting when you do that is usually one or the other is more anxious. You know, I have been going through these like periods of time, like a wave of anxiety when I hear stuff on the news. Or like I just found out that one of my kids is sick, and I had this wave of panic and anxiety, and then it goes away and I'm like, Oh, that'll be fine. They're super healthy. It's funny how we all get triggered depending on what we hear in our own personal lives and how this is affecting us. And frankly, that's not going away. This is only the beginning of the wave. We need to know what is going to trigger our anxiety. And we need to be able to talk to our partner not only to keep our relationship alive and to stay connected, but also to help the other person deal with their anxiety. Tip number five He got exercise. You gotta stay physical. You have to do something to move your body. It can be so easy. Teoh. Sink into a rut and start sleeping. Lee not shower. You know not where work clothes or workout clothes not put shoes on for a couple days. Just walk around your slippers in your socks. Make sure that every day you either watch a workout video. I noticed a lot of places air giving out free workout videos, you know, do some yoga or get outside. It's really important during this time. Keep your body moving, and if you want to stay connected to your partner, take a walk together. Outside. Nature absorbs emotion. It's a great way for the two of you did have space outside of the house, where you can breathe fresh air, you can feel like you're not infecting. Other people are being infected, and it can decrease the anxiety as well. So when there's a lot of emotion or fear or concern, getting outside solves a lot of problems, including the need for exercise. Number six is have a meaningful conversation every day. So every day, choose someone toe have a deeper conversation with than just about this scary Corona virus. So maybe it's your partner. Or maybe it's one of your kids. Or maybe it's a really good friend. You know, you can call someone or use social media toe, have a conversation around. Maybe what's your biggest challenge in your life? Or tell me the vision for your next 10 years? You know these kind of questions. Kenly lead Thio more interesting moments in your day, and if you want to create a more intimate relationship with your partner and you want a more meaningful conversation. Try something like, What's the best sex we ever had together? Or tell me your greatest sexual fantasy that we've never talked about? Have a more meaningful conversation than just, you know, how many people contracting the virus today, which, frankly, you're gonna have anyway. And I think those conversations are important, too, because talking about Corona virus and what's happening in the world is a way to disperse some of the anxiety that you might be having. But having more meaningful conversations is also crucial to keeping your relationship alive. We need to talk about things that aren't so scary. So ask your partner first. Can we have this moment toe? Have a meaningful conversation? Are you busy? Can you take some time? Because sometimes if you wanna have this talk and your partner's not in the mood or they got other things on their mind or they're in the middle of working from home, they might feel like they can't do it, and then you feel rejected. So it's a good tip toe. Also, ask them first. Listen, do you have time to have this conversation now? And if they don't have time to make time at a later date. Like to make a new appointment or to make a date to say, Well, let's do that later tonight. Number seven. Keep a journal. You know, you probably always wanted to keep a journal. I know I have gone through periods of my life where I kept journals, and I frankly stopped when I was in my twenties because I had someone, How sit my apartment. And they went through my closet and found all my journals, and I thought I would never, ever keep another journal. It was such a betrayal. I felt so awful, so personal. And, you know, I look back now. I don't know if there's anything in there that was so horrifying, but just the thought that something's gonna read my stuff was just so embarrassing. So I don't think I ever really kept another journal. I would write journals around things that I had dreamt like I had a dream journal or things that I wanted to write in my novels or in my nonfiction books. But then I found a way to journal that not only felt safer but also created like a wider space in my head, I would get a book that had no lines on it, and I would use the journal almost like a scrapbook of my feelings and my intentions. And so some days I would just write in big letters like pissed off and in a big red pen and other days I might write up home that I saw in a book. Other days I might cut something out of a magazine and glue it in or tape something. In other days, I would write for pages and pages and just get out my stress. So it's really more like a journal. That is about your feelings, your experiences, your concerns. But it could also be like the silver linings of things, your joyful moments, hopes and dreams. You know, I was talking to some of the other day about as scary as this virus is the idea that it's keeping people home and keeping people from traveling and keeping large groups of people from meeting is actually giving the planet a little bit of a break. And as much as we are looking at the negative side of the Corona virus, there's also smaller things that are helping us connect, you know, bowing to each other instead of shaking hands, spending more time alone or at home with our family, even if it gets stressful, taking the time to look internally and be more connected to what's really important. And what do we really want? So in this time of journaling, you might be glad later on that you spent the time to think about what is really important to you. I have a couple who I see for counseling, who I mentioned this option to them to keep a journal, and they started journaling and sharing their journal. So one day she would journal something, and then she would give it to him and he would journal and in a different page. And they have a shared journal. Now. What's really kind of delightful about that is that they have something not only to look forward to about what the other person wrote, but it inspires what they wrote. And what I think is really exciting about that is not even what they're doing now, but what that will be like years from now. To look back on number eight, start a meditation practice so there are a lot of free APS out there. There's insight, timer. There's headspace. There's a lot of things that you can download now to teach you how to do or guide you through a meditation, even if you only do 10 minutes a day. And if you do it on your own, sit quietly. Breathe. I can tell you how to do it in the most basic way. That can help both you and your partner. You can do this together. You could do it on your own, but it will help your mind from wandering into those really anxious, insecure places. And it helps you to stay focused. Even if you only do it for a few minutes every morning or at night. It will help you sleep. It also creates this like spaciousness in your mind, and it decreases your stress, so I'll give you one technique. That's kind of easy to dio, and you could do it right now. Just breathe in to the count of four so you breathe in 1234 and then you hold your breath to the count of 41234 and then exhale to the counter for 1234 and just continue this circle of breathing to the counter for holding it to the counter for and exhaling to the counter. For If you do this for 10 minutes, just let your mind wander. And whenever your mind goes too far off track or starts to get upset about something your partner said, or the state of your relationship or the state of the world, come back to your breath. Let your breath be an anchor in that moment and you'll notice a difference even within the first couple of days. You can do this with your partner, or you can do this on your own. Or you could even do it with your kids. It's a great way to manage your anxiety and your stress. Number nine Stay sexy and what I mean by staying sexy is, I mean, stay sexual work on your own libido. One way to practice that is too self pleasure to masturbate. Teoh Teik Sexy showers to wear sexy clothes No, you can stay in your own sexuality, even if you're in a sexual shutdown. If you're living by yourself. If you don't have a partner. If your partner is way far away if you're in a sexually distant relationship because your partner lives somewhere else and you're physically distant because of social distancing. You know, masturbation increases your sexual hormones, it keeps you alive and it decreases stress. And right now we really need any tool we have that will decrease stress. You know I have a bonus for you, too, if you go to dame products dot com slash trouble with sex and you put in a product code. Dr. Tammy D. R T A M M Y. You can get 15% off on sex twice. Then they have some cool, innovative toys there, and you can get him shipped to your house. It's very discreet and try something new, you know, try something sexy. Try masturbating in a way you've never done before. But keep your sexuality alive. And if you have a partner at home and you're trying to stay sexy and keep your relationship alive and erotic, uses sex toy together, you know, try something you've never done before and keep that eroticism going. You know, it's easy to get bored in your sex life, even when your sex life is good because you know all the buttons to push, you know what works, and it's a great idea to keep doing the same thing over and over if it feels great. But it's also important to try something new toe add adventure and intrigue, particularly at this time when you might feel shut in and that can lead to shut down. Tip 10 phone sex and I'm gonna tell you how to do it even when you're in the same house living with your partner in social distance, social isolation it's a really fun idea. Have phone sex with your partner even if you're in the same house, but do it in separate rooms. The way to start is call your partner from a separate room and number one. Ask them what they're wearing. Number to tell them that you're wearing nothing. Number three. Ask them what they'd like to be doing to you right now. Number four. Tell them that you're touching yourself and it feels great in number five. Really do it. And if you're shy about phone sex, it's totally okay. You'll get more comfortable with it. You know, if you're in two different places in two different houses in two different towns or across the planet. Phone sex might be the Onley way. You're having sex right now, and if that's the case, you might want to try it more often and get better at it. But you can still have phone sex in the same house with the partner that you're living with, And I would suggest it's a great way to stay connected, to stay sexy, to keep your relationship alive and also to add some fun into your relationship. Like right now, it can feel like these are dark days and that things were not fun. But if you have the impetus and the desire to stay sexy and stay alive, let these tips help you. And if you need more help, you can go to the trouble with sex dot com and write to me, and I want to give you the most support that I can. During this time, I want to answer your questions, and if you need more help, we can also have a session online. So those are your 10 tips for today, but before we end, I want to give you a bonus, and I also want to answer a question from one of our listeners are bonus tip for today came from one of our listeners. Have a zoom party with your friends. I love this idea. I think this is a great idea. And I think this is a great tip. So you and your partner can invite your friends to a party, you know, send out invitations. You can still have a dinner party. Everyone could just be in a different house. You can still turn on the music. You could still break out the wine. Have a good time. Just do it all on Zoom. It's actually hysterical, actually. Funny idea. Have all whole bunch of screens a whole bunch of laptops around the dining table or around your living room. Turn on some dance music, Everyone Comm party. You know, if you're into sex parties, it's actually a really interesting idea and concept. Now, my mind is just blown now with all kinds of ideas of where we could go with this zoom party. I just love. This idea is very clever, so we have a question from one of our sexy listeners. This is from Dana, and Dana says, I've only been in quarantine with my husband for a couple days and we're already arguing. What can you do, Dr Tammy? Well, Dana, thanks for your question. I really appreciate it. And number one, I want to say you're not alone. Being in isolation or forced quarantine or being at home working from home can bring out a lot of stress in a relationship in particular, the expectation that you're supposed to be able to get along. First of all, you got to change that right now. Second, yes, There can be cracks in the foundation of your relationship that are revealed through this crisis, and it's really no indication of whether or not your relationship is gonna make it. You know, these are not normal times. This is a very unusual situation. So cut yourself and your partner some slack and know that arguing during this time is probably partly to do with the outside stress of everything that's going on in the world. And then lastly, you know, my advice for everyone although I'm not that great at it myself, is to apologize a lot. You know, if you find yourself arguing and under a lot of stress between the two of you in particular, recognize that this is not about your relationship. It's probably about Corona. You can think Corona and the virus and all of the things that are going on in the world right now for the added arguments in your relationship. Now I will give you one added suggestion, and that is, if you feel triggered by something your partner says, and you want to respond in an angry or defensive way. First, take a second to take a deep breath and then mirror back what your partner says. So when they say, Why did you leave the dishes in the sink? Why didn't you wipe it down before you put it in the dishwasher? Say so. What I hear you saying is that you're asking me wide and do the dishes. You know, even that brief moment where you are able to reflect back what your partner says can make them feel heard and can soften the conflict in the relationship. And in that dialogue in the moment, because a lot of times when we get triggered, it's like, What do you mean? I didn't do the dishes. I just did four loads of laundry and I've been cleaning up after you for years, and I always do the dishes like it's easy to get triggered. And so, you know, just taking that brief moment to take a breath and say, Let me see if I heard what you just sat and nearing back. What they said can make them feel heard and validated and empathize with and can decrease some of the intensity. Other than that, I wish you the best of luck and all of us the best of luck. And I hope we all survive this. And I hope our relationships all survive it. And I hope you all stay safe and stay healthy and stay sexy. And until next time, this is Dr Tammy and the trouble with sex.

spk_1:   27:02
To find out more, go to the trouble of sex dot com or email me at Dr Tammy at the trouble with sex dot com. Join our mailing list, follow us on social media, sign up for our newsletter or send me a question. Trouble was Sex is produced by Brandy Savit and Jane Applegate. Our audio is by Flavor Lab, New York City. This episode was recorded on location by Bruce Hirschfield and mixed by Eric Stern with music by Bruce Hirschfield