Fire Wives
Join me as I chat with my fellow Fire Wives about what it's like to be married to a Firefighter. Every week, we’ll be talking about the good and the bad of being in the Fire Family, sharing funny stories, and highlighting the spouses that make it all possible.
Fire Wives
E8 Janet
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Janet Quilty!
Hi Noah. Hi Janet. How are you? Good. How you doing? Good. Thank you so much for taking the time to talk with me. How's it going?
SPEAKER_00Oh, it's listen, I think it's gonna be fun.
SPEAKER_01Why not? It's gonna be great. It's a new thing I'm doing. You know, I don't have any expectations. It's just fun, and it's been a really good excuse to talk to people.
SPEAKER_00Good. I'm happy for you.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. How are you?
SPEAKER_00I'm good. Just um I have actually two weeks off from work, and uh I usually take two weeks off every December, and I do all of my baking and everything for Christmas. So I'm like, I just do basically I bake a bunch of stuff that's really good to freeze, and I stick it in my freezer. It's fun. It's like I said, I I get up early and I just I've already done I've already made cupcakes, lemon cakes, and Oreo ball. So today? Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Wow. Nice. That's great. That's awesome. Cool.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, it's fun.
SPEAKER_01Well, I don't mean to interrupt your baking, but oh my god, no, no.
SPEAKER_00I I made sure that I was like done with stuff by 10 o'clock, so I'm good. Awesome. Thank you.
SPEAKER_01So let me just tell you a little bit about what we're doing. So I had already mentioned when I reached out to you, but it's a podcast, and I haven't actually released anything yet. I'm hoping to. But the idea is, you know, we all love our firefighters, they're really amazing, incredible people. But a lot of times the the people who are supporting them, we don't talk about them as much. Right. So I like the idea. Robbie actually gave me the idea. He was listening to somebody on a podcast. He's like, hey, you should do this to talk to the firewives and just kind of get their perspective of things and how it's impacted your life.
SPEAKER_00Oh god, yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. So tell me a little bit about yourself.
SPEAKER_00I live a pretty boring life. I've been at the same job for 36 years doing insurance. And Mike and I got together, well, we got together in '89, and then the week before we were getting married, we found out that Mike had hired on the fire department. So right away I knew that the fire department was probably gonna stomp on a lot of plans. You know, it took a while to get used to it, but you know, we did. So we had to cancel our honeymoon, but we did get married. We had to wait to go uh till a year later. So I should have known then.
SPEAKER_01It's definitely not a casual commitment. So it's funny, it was right before your wedding, but did it make you hesitate at all?
SPEAKER_00Oh god, no, not at all. Because he had been waiting for he'd been on the list, I think, for over two years. So when he got the call, you know, he said to the chief, you know, the problem, Chief, is I'm getting married and supposed to be going on my honeymoon. And the chief said, Well, you either go on your honeymoon or you come to this, you know, interview or whatever the heck it was. I forget if it was the physical aspect of it, or was or whatever it was. So he told me, I want to say I don't know, maybe it was probably like five days before we were getting married, and he's like, I have something to tell you. And I thought, oh my god, he's breaking up with me before the wedding.
SPEAKER_02Well, was it better than that?
SPEAKER_00Yeah. And then he said, No, he goes, you know, and he told me about what the chief said, and I said, All right, well, then we just take our honeymoon another time, because I know he was waiting for it. So but you know something he was waiting for, so I had to support it, and I did, and I don't regret it. So that's great.
SPEAKER_01That is very supportive of you. I know I'm sure a lot of people would not have said, you know, oh, oh well. Yeah. Must have been very disappointing.
SPEAKER_00It was, but you know what? He got on and he had, you know, a great career. He loved it while he was doing it, and we obviously we met a lot of we met our I didn't think I was gonna be as close to the fire family as I was. But now that he's retired and and getting older, it's we don't see, you know, that that same group of people a lot like we used to. So that's hard for me. You know, I miss that.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I'm sure. I've actually been talking to a few people, and a lot of them have mentioned the same thing that the community and the friendships that you make are the best part of it. And now that, you know, a part of that generation has retired, it's kind of falling through a little bit, which can be really hard.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. But like, you know, we had you know, when when we when Mike got on, you know, we were all kind of having babies like you, like you know, like your generation now, you guys are having babies and you're dealing with little ones and stuff like that. So it's it's kind of nice, like when you see each other at fire events and stuff like that. You can you can brag about your kids or you can bitch about your kids, you know. So it's it's everybody is in the same boat with that family.
SPEAKER_01So wow, that's really nice. Yeah. Yeah. So you mentioned you're in insurance. What exactly do you do?
SPEAKER_00I do customer service for basically personal lines for auto. I'm at home insurance. Like I said, I've been there for 36 years. I'm I have been trying to get out of it forever. It's it's it's not parts of the job I like. Now we have a good group of people that I work with, but it's a kind of a thankless job. You know, you get I get yelled at all the time because you know, everything's my fault. You know, it's rates are high, and this and that and the other thing. So it's you get abused a little bit. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So you mean you're not in charge of the government and everything that happens to cause all of these rates going up?
SPEAKER_00But yeah, I mean it's all my fault. So it's but you know, you know, it is what it is. Like there's nothing I can do about it. And I've been doing this for so long, I don't know anything else. And you know, to start over again somewhere else at this point, 56 years old, I don't feel like starting at the bottom somewhere else. So I'm just kind of sucking it up, and I'm hope, hoping that, you know, probably like within the next six years, hopefully I can retire.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I hope. Good luck, yeah. I hope so too. Yeah. So now Mike retired. What year has it been two, three years?
SPEAKER_00It is coming in January. It will be three years.
SPEAKER_01Wow. And what is he doing now?
SPEAKER_00So he still has his bus company. So he does, it's not like like a typical school bus company. His buses will pick up kids from either the elementary schools or the middle schools and then take them to the after-school program at the Tobin School in Natick. He does sometimes he has to drive. It's he's hurting for drivers, nobody wants to drive, and one of the guys is still on the fire department. So when he's working, you know, on shift, Mike usually has to drive the bus. Mike doesn't drive the bus every day unless they need like an extra bus for something or they're going on field trips. So he's got that. And then he's got his big excavator machine, which is currently up in Maine. So sometimes he'll have jobs with that. Right now it's kind of a funky time of year. There's not much going on with the machine work. But this is nice for me because I get to like he's around when I'm like on this part of the vacation. So I can, you know, we can hang out and do stuff together. So but like in the spring and the summer, he's definitely busier with that stuff. And he makes dinner probably three or four nights a week, which is good because then I come home and I don't have to worry about dinner. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So that's huge. Making dinner every night is just it's a lot.
SPEAKER_00It is, it's a pain.
SPEAKER_01It's the small things every day that you don't think about. You're like the laundry, the dinner, but that's what takes it out of you sometimes.
SPEAKER_00Yep, exactly. Yep.
SPEAKER_01Wow. So some of the kind of themes that I've been talking to people about is tell me about your favorite part of being a firewife, your least favorite part, kind of what it means to you to have been part of that journey for him.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, I mean, I let's I didn't expect to be as close to the family, the family as I was. And, you know, it's it's just one of those things like you can't you can't help but be a part of it because you know, you you're all in the same boat. You know, holidays get missed, birthdays get mixed. Yeah, I'll never forget one year Mike was working, I think he was working Christmas Eve for 24 hours, and then he ended up working 24 hours overtime on Christmas Day. So it was 48 hours that he was gone. And that was hard because, you know, at the I my kids were younger, and I was making all of my desserts, and I had a tray that I made for the fire department. So we were going down there on Christmas Eve, or no, Christmas Day, I think. We were going down there to drop them off at the C Mike. And I was already emotional because he was missing Christmas Eve and on Christmas Day. So I was upstairs getting dressed, and I have a three-season porch. So in the wintertime, I put a lot of my desserts out there because they stay cold. And the dog next door got into the porch and he ate all of the desserts. And I had a complete meltdown. I was my neighbor came over, she comes up to my bedroom and I'm in the bathroom and I'm like hysterically crying. Like you would have thought, like, but it was just one of it was like a compounding of everything, you know. So, but stuff like that was hard, you know, missing birthdays or especially if like they're doing like you three nights in a row at the station, that's hard sometimes, you know. Especially when we were we first got married, we were in a new house in a different town. So that was hard to get used to. But I also loved they had a lot more get-togethers back then, which they don't do now, which bums me out because you know, it's something that I'll always cherish. Like we always did just different get-togethers for different things, you know, the fire department Christmas party, the kids' Christmas party, like there were so many things that we all, you know, got together for. And now it just it's it's a different thing now. And and so I do, I miss that. Because that was that's I think was part of my salvation, especially when the kids were younger, because everybody else was going through the same thing.
SPEAKER_01So Yeah, I've talked to a lot of people about that as well. I think post-COVID things changed, and it's been it's it's very much a bummer because had I not started doing this, I haven't talked to somebody from the fire department in months, probably. Yeah. Which is crazy. We also don't live in the same town, which is distancing us a little bit. We're not that far. No, you're not far. We're not that far. So we're gonna, you know, we're going back to doing the Christmas parties with the kids, you know, the one where Santa comes, and Bobby has been talking about maybe doing a ship not a shift party, but a Christmas party. Yeah. But we have young kids, and that's hard too. So I don't know.
SPEAKER_00And I used to do them. I took them, I took the Christmas parties over from so Lisa Spencer and Cindy Albergini used to do the Christmas parties. And then I took that over for a while. And that was hard because and the good thing about that was we would invite all the retired people as well. And the retired people were, I think, more excited about coming than the guys that were, you know, on shift. But then, you know, it was an opportunity to get together. I always tried to keep the cost down because, you know, it's you want to be able to have everybody come. Yes. And, you know, every year with without fail, people would complain about, you know, oh, what do you mean it's, you know, $25 a person? I think I d I think I had everybody paying, I think it was $15 a person, maybe $20 a person. That's a smart way to do it. Yeah, and it was, you know, but it was I had a lot of fun doing it, but a lot of people complained because of they want the Christmas party, but they they don't want to go along with everything that, you know, there's a lot of work that goes into it. So, but I do miss that because I had fun with it. But we used to have, you know, when when everybody was getting married, going to the weddings and stuff like that. That was fun because you could actually have a party with everybody, and everybody got along, you know. I don't think there was really, you know, like a clicky kind of group that we had, you know. So but yeah, there was lots of fun. And we used to all go down to the fire station for everything. You know, we'd go down there to see, you know, I go down to see Mike with the kids or whatever, you know, and then other other wives would be down there too, just to kind of hang out for a few minutes and make some calls. When you get there, you just sit down, start chatting, and they get called away, you know. So but, you know, that's all right. It that's just the way it was.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I think of it sometimes when we go visit, even if it's for 20 minutes, I mean at least that's not 24 hours that that he didn't see his kids, you know. Right. Uh for me, whatever. I'll FaceTime them, it's fine. But but his kids are little and this time passes very quickly. So at least it's not a full day that you didn't see your children. And that happens so regularly for them.
SPEAKER_00So yeah, and my kids from day one knew that if Mike had to work on Christmas, we always told them that, you know, we talked to Santa Claus and he's gonna come the next day. And, you know, I always told the kids, like, this is dad's job. And I said, you know, you you want dad to be working because, you know, somebody needs his help. Maybe if somebody's hurt or in a fire or something, you you would want your dad to help them. And I said, We just have to wait an extra day for Christmas, that's all. Same with birthdays and you know, family things and things like that. You know, I I wouldn't expect him to take days off to go to like a christening or for like one of our nephew or niece's birthday parties. Like, I wouldn't expect you got to pick and choose what you wanna have them take off, you know. Absolutely. You know, and I do know that, you know, some firefighter spouses like want them to take time off for everything.
SPEAKER_01And I'm critical.
SPEAKER_00No, and I've never been that person, so but there are some that definitely they want they want their husbands there for everything.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Robbie tells me sometimes some of some of the spouses they have like contradictory expectations. They want the money, yeah, but they also don't want them to work. And you just can't have both. It's not possible.
SPEAKER_00Can't have both. And you know what? While they're younger and they still have the energy to work and they're still healthy enough to work, they do it. I mean, and and the thing is is like back when Mike was on, overtime was like a big deal. And now, like the like the brand new kids coming in, they're none of them want to work overtime. They come in, they do their shift and they leave. They don't have second jobs, but they're young. They should be. Like I'm thinking to myself, you if you if you're not married, you don't have kids, and you have time on your hands, you should be working like a dog, like when you're younger, because it just makes it that much easier when you get older. But again, different generation, these kids coming on now.
SPEAKER_01So it can be different. It also depends on what they need, right? I think the hard part when they're young is thinking about the future. So maybe they don't recognize that one day you're not going to be able to take all this overtime, so save up now. Exactly. They're getting by and they're doing fine. Maybe they just feel like, you know, why should I work so hard? Yeah. But I hear you. I hear you. Because right now it's a lot harder for Robbie to take an overtime than 10 years ago.
SPEAKER_00Oh, absolutely. Yeah, and even retirement parties, they're they used to have, you know, people were more involved with them and a lot more people would show up. Now it's definitely phased out a lot. You know, so it bums me out because it it's the again, the younger generation, I don't think, truly appreciates that bond that you have. These are people that you're spending at least 24 hours a time at a time with. You're eating dinner with them, you're eating breakfast with them, you're going on these, some of them are awful calls, and you're you're living it with these other people. It's not just a job. It's it's it's a family. That's why I said it's my fire family. But definitely, like I said, the kids that are like early in their early 20s, they don't see it that way. It's just a job. This is nothing, this is anything but a job, you know.
SPEAKER_01Absolutely. And you know that better than anybody because not only did you marry into the fire department, your brother's a firefighter on the same department was a firefighter on the same department. Yep. Yep. So how was that for you, having both of them at the same place?
SPEAKER_00Um, well, you know, so I didn't really know how it was gonna go, but you know, my brother was had been on for, I think my brother got on, I want to say in like 19 maybe 1986 or 1987. And then Mike got on in '93. So, but I mean it were, you know, I didn't know how it was gonna work out, but it actually was fine. They did, you know, well. You know, my brother Danny is is a little bit stubborn, so I didn't know if they were gonna have, you know, they were gonna disagree on things, but they actually did fine. You know, that's the thing. It's like you're used to doing something one way, but if somebody says, well, if you did it, if you do it this way, maybe, you know, maybe you'll see this instead. So it's it was kind of good because then I think I didn't know if my brother was going to be very critical of Mike when he was on. But I mean, at one point Danny was the the president of the union and Mike was vice president. And they worked together and they they worked well.
SPEAKER_01So yeah, sounds like they must have gotten along pretty well to be able to do it that closely.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Wow. So my brother's very stubborn, so it was it was good. But my brother's very smart with that stuff, even to this day. He's very knowledgeable with that stuff, and you know, I think they just agree, you don't have to agree with what each other says, but you just have to kind of still back each other up, and you can have a different opinion, it's fine.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and be respectful, and that's all that matters.
SPEAKER_00Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Did you see a difference in their relationship at work versus when they were off shift?
SPEAKER_00Not really, because they were the who they were, whether they were on shift or off shift. Right.
SPEAKER_01It's good, it's good. It sounds like they got on. It's family, just like you said, you may not agree all the time, but you have to just be able to set that aside and still treat each other with respect.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01Yep. Other than, you know, maybe Mike missing holidays and stuff like that, what was your least favorite part, you think, of being a firewife? Or what was the hardest part?
SPEAKER_00Like I said, it was the multiple nights in a row, like if he got over time. You know, like you can do like, you know, 24 hours is fine, 36 hours, 48's fine, but sometimes you get like the three nights in a row. Or like I said, if you, you know, vacations kind of have to work around, you know, not that we had too many vacations, but yeah, it's just uh being away. So how did you talk to your kids about it when they were little? They just knew that his schedule was that he would have to sleep at the fire station. And like I said, if it was if he was gone for a while, like we would go by and see him. And, you know, and that was that was fine. They they kind of knew nothing else, like right from day one. You know, it wasn't like he wasn't a firefighter, and then, you know, our kids, we raised our kids for, you know, five or six years, and then dad got on the fire department. You know, they knew right from the beginning that dad was gonna be home some nights and some weekends. That's another thing. Weekends were tough, like if his day, like if his days fell on the weekends, and the shift that they have now is much better because they they do they do the 24, two off, 24, and then four off. Before when they when I originally, when we originally got married, it was they would do two 10-hour days, so they'd go in 8 a.m. to 6 p.m. And then they would do two 12-hour nights. So they would go in at 6 p.m. and work till 8 a.m. So the they were working, I think they only had like one full weekend off like every like six weeks or something. So sometimes like his his work schedule, he'd be I would work during the week, but then if his days fell or his nights fell on Saturday and Sunday, you know, then it that kind of sucked because you know you want to be able to hang out, but but now I mean I love the I loved the 24-hour schedule change. I loved that because then if he worked one 24 hour shift on a Saturday, he knew he had Sunday off, or you know, vice versa, right? Much better than it used to be. So the the scheduling was a a little bit you know hard to work with. And then you would be, you know, planning something and going somewhere, and then someone would call from the station and saying, I'm in a dilemma, I'm gonna have to force somebody, I can't get anybody to come in on overtime. Mike would feel bad and work, and whatever it is we had planned, we now we have to do it without them. So those and and I get it, because it it sucks to have to get forced to work, especially if you have stuff going on. They don't not that they don't care if you have something going on, but you get forced, that's the way it is, that's the chance you take. I think I think people are getting forced more now than they used to because not as many people want to work the overtime. The younger kids don't want to work the overtime. I think it was more volunteering, like you knew, like you knew who had kids, you knew kind of what your schedule was, you knew what other schedules were, and you would, you know, you you just kind of go out of your way and you would offer to help somebody where again, I don't know how much that happens now. Which was good. So we had and Mike, you know, luckily he got along with like the younger kids, the older guys, you know, the ones in the middle, he kind of like fit in w anywhere, which was a good thing. Like I said, he doesn't, you know, sometimes I think he needs to take things a little more seriously.
SPEAKER_01But I know what you mean. I know. Sometimes I think they see so much stuff that things that we take seriously, they're like, This is nothing.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. It but it's it's emotional, like, you know, and then you have emotional times like the when the the guys in Worcester. They died in the fire. At the time we were living with my mother because we had sold our house in Franklin and we were we bought this house but we were renovating it and that was the first time I ever saw my husband cry. It was it was really sad. Like he didn't you don't and he didn't even know them. But you you think about stuff like that and you know I think it just it just hits you a certain way and then you you get all weepy about it. So you don't know sometimes you don't know what to do. And like some of the calls like you know especially with kids involved I know they had a call one time with a a little baby and I think everyone was kind of panicking. And I think Eric Williamson I think stepped up and he said everybody like he kind of raised his voice and just said you do this you do this you do this you do this you guys have to stay on you know he kind of like somebody took charge and kind of reigned everybody in. He because he was at the time he was the only one that didn't have kids. So it was kind of hitting the firefighters hard because they had kids and that's a thing another thing too like you go into calls and it involves a little kid or a newborn baby or something like that. It's really it hits them really really hard and you don't realize it. And then you know luckily there was somebody that said okay stop like we have a job to do and he just kind of assigned everybody jobs. And he kind of and and Mike said that was like he like had so much respect for him for just being able to pull everybody in and say okay you guys we have to he stopped everything and then just kind of give everybody an an assignment and it was Yeah that's a great leadership move. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00So yeah yeah I mean some of the stuff like I could tell it was bad but Mike wouldn't even say anything about it because I would only get upset. So some stuff you know he would never even tell me. And I I didn't need to know all that stuff but it's even harder for them because they're there trying to stay in control.
SPEAKER_01And then they have to come home and act like it's normal.
SPEAKER_00Right. Right. And working you know being brought up in the same town and working in the same town that you you know as a firefighter when you go into somebody's house you don't know if it's going to be somebody you know or you hear an address you know it's you know oh that's my mother's house or that's my house or you know it's it's crazy. Yeah.
SPEAKER_01So you didn't grow up in Needick?
SPEAKER_00I did. Yeah I did.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00Yep. And I would it was funny because I used to when Mike was always when he was on duty I would always keep the scanner on. Oh you would Yeah just so I knew where he was so like if because I don't like to be caught off guard. So God forbid if something did happen I know about where he was and if something happened they can get him to a hospital quick, you know, that kind of thing. He had to go to the hospital one time. And I think my brother Danny had called me. Again we were living at my mother's at the time something happened with a furnace or something and Mike had gotten up to go do something and this it didn't backfire but like it did like a puff back and it burned off his eyebrows. So he was in the in the ER and I got so upset like he was fine but it's still it's still scary you know because that could have been because me I'm I go the other way we're like oh my god he could have burned his whole face off I mean he was fine I went in to see him you know he had his eyes were covered and everything. So I mean it was a little scary.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00You know I knew he was going to be fine but looking at him I was terrified. So yeah it's definitely a roller coaster.
SPEAKER_01For sure. I don't think I could do that with you mentioned the scanner. I think for me I I and I've talked to some people about this too I like to not think about it. Especially because not only is Robbie a firefighter he's also a contractor so yeah playing with saws and this and that. So it's he just I guess he just likes to take risks with his life and I just can't think about it too much, you know? Otherwise you'd just be stressed all day.
SPEAKER_00Yep I do I would turn the scanner off when he was home.
SPEAKER_01Right. That's good.
SPEAKER_00But just from in my own head I needed to know you know that he's back in quarters safe. You know just it's it's not so I guess it's really not so much where he's going on the call. It's just knowing that he got back and he's safe. Of course of course yeah yeah kind of twisted but yeah.
SPEAKER_01No it absolutely makes sense I think you know that we commit to these people and you expect them to be to be part of your life till you're old. Right? And now ha your other half is leaving and you just have to deal with that. Yeah. Yeah. How do you feel it impacted your marriage?
SPEAKER_00I definitely, you know, especially when I was younger you know you're still trying to get used to like being married newlyweds you know we bought we just bought a house and now you're trying to get used to being in a new house in a different town not even in my hometown. We moved you know we moved out to Franklin for six years and you have this crazy schedule and stuff like that. So it was definitely you know I think he had a lot more more freedom in terms of you know I worked you know every day Monday through Friday but like if he wasn't working and he and he wasn't doing his side stuff like he he'd go out you know to lunch or he'd you know meet up with whatever. So like it got to the point where like well he's got to socialize and I and I don't and then we had kids so I really had no social life and I'd be jealous because he's walking out the door to go to work and I'm home with left home with the kids and I thought okay I'm already ready for a breakdown. So I mean it definitely it is hard. It's very hard to you know you want to strangle them but at the same time it's their job but luckily we only live down the street so we could go see them at whatever fire station. But yeah it definitely was a bit of a roller coaster for a while. It's really hard to get used to their schedule and get used to the disappointments of the schedule. As I got older it got a little bit easier because my kids were older and it just it was easier. But when you're like my I always felt like I was tied down especially when the the kids were younger and I couldn't get a break and he at least he got to go to work and I would go to work too but I didn't work as many hours. So it definitely definitely does take a toll on on on the marriage for sure. And it's you know when you're going through it you're like I don't know if I can I don't know if I can do this, you know? Yeah. How did you get through it? What do you think was helpful to you? I just was determined just to you know make it work kind of thing. And I'm definitely again as I get older the things that used to bother me when I was younger I don't care about anymore. And it's only because like you realize when you're going through stuff if that's the worst thing that happened it's really not that bad. But you don't see that until you get older. So I I think it's but I do feel for the the couples that are have firefighter both of us whether female or male and they're having kids and it's a tough schedule to work around. There like I said it's a lot of disappointment in terms of the schedule you know you're all ready to go out and you know someone gets a call that someone's gotta come in to work. Or you'll be in bed and get a call in the middle of the night because they need somebody to come in and and pilot and he'd be getting up in the middle of the night to go in and pilot at the station. So that stuff is you know you get used to it. You don't ever really like it. You just it's just something you have to get used to. You know but it still sucks. But like I said as I got older and the kids got older it got easier and like I said there were some things that used to bother me and then as I got older when he was on the on the fire station it didn't bother me. But you just have to you know you first get married again you're supposed to be your newlywed, you're supposed to hang out, you're supposed to do this and right from the start I thought the fire department is like right from the beginning taking over my life.
SPEAKER_01And it does that right and even after they retire I'm sure he still thinks about it and misses it.
SPEAKER_00Yeah I mean he still goes out usually like on Wednesdays like he meets some of the retired guys out probably like once every like six or eight weeks a bunch of the retired guys they go out to a a big dinner. So they he keeps in touch with with them and I'm glad that he does because then he can still have them around so he's he keeps in contact with them pretty well.
SPEAKER_01That's great. I mean those are his brothers right for the longest time they're the ones who have his back so that's really nice. Yeah. But I think I was just thinking about what you were saying earlier about how you know the the spouses are almost more excited about the parties because the firefighters are seeing each other all the time. Right we need extra curricular so to speak to to be able to get in touch you know it's hard.
SPEAKER_00And it's nice to be involved with the fire family like and see like I love once in a while like get the firemen's memorial even not as many people go to that anymore. But like I get excited when I see the firewives there because I do miss them. Of course that was my that's I grew up with them and so seeing them for you know an hour to me is awesome but again nobody's having Christmas parties anymore you know that if it wasn't so much work and I didn't have it this wasn't a crazy time of year for me I would I would seriously consider doing it again but it's just a busy time. But there's younger people that should be doing it you know you just got to plan accordingly there's young younger ones that can do it. They don't they don't have kids they don't they maybe they're not married maybe they have somebody but they just but nobody wants to take that stuff over.
SPEAKER_01Like it's breaking the tradition you know yeah yeah I wonder if we could do something that's maybe not not quite around Christmas because it's just such a busy time you know it is a busy time it's hard to find the right time but I wonder if we could do something that's like a winter party right and start that you know it would be easier to get people together.
SPEAKER_00I know Mike's like when he was still on the fire department he would say you know I'd like to have a a shift party at our house sometime. Okay well that's up to you like I'm not I'm not gonna set it up that's you have to talk to your your shifts to find out if that's something they want to do. We never never ended up doing it. I told him I said you should just invite a bunch of people over it I don't care if it's in the springtime have it just have people come over you know we have a backyard our house isn't fancy but at least it's someplace to land and it's just one of those things. But yeah it just the traditions that were there when Mike was on the fire department it's definitely those have kind of gone away and I don't know if they'll come back you know it's not my place to step in and do anything at this point because now I'm a retired I'm a retired wife. Right. So yeah but they you know they also I wish the new generation would find something new to do you know like to involve everybody and then to include like the brand new firefighters the ones like Rob's time he's been how long has he been on Rob I think 13 years now. Yeah so like you gotta go get something for the new the ones that have been doing for a little bit and some of the retirees that you've talked to just try to see about like staying in touch or doing something or come up with a plan. You know they have young brains and they have I think more time or they probably don't think they have more time but they have more time.
SPEAKER_01They certainly do.
SPEAKER_00Yep to put stuff together. I just I wish that the new generation could have experienced what I experienced as a a wife of a new firefighter being involved with all kinds of activities. You know that's it's stuff it meant a lot it was a lot of fun. You would laugh with all the wives and sometimes you cry with the wives.
SPEAKER_01You know I think when I got on oh when I got on I didn't get on when Robbie got on it was great for me to have people like you who I could get to know and ask questions of and not just that just be part of the group and I wonder just thinking back on how I felt when we first got on it I probably felt like it wasn't my place to invite people to my house because we're the kids like nobody's gonna want to com. So I wonder if that's what people are thinking but it just kind of shows me maybe it's my job now as the middle of the middle of the road right we're not the kids on the department anymore but we're also not close to he's not close to retiring yet. Right.
SPEAKER_00So it would be something that somebody like me or my generation would probably be the person and it could be anything whether it's you want to have like us you could have a small get together or you could say how about everybody meet you know how does this work very and meet somewhere yeah just like you know like I said we used to do that kind of stuff all the time.
SPEAKER_01Right.
SPEAKER_00Whoever can come can come right right and it's definitely it's definitely hard too because I know like kids definitely once you have kids believe me I know it's it's because there'd be a lot of times that I couldn't go because of the kids and you can't always like keep asking somebody to babysit you know so it gets to the point that you you have to stay home but he's got to go to this get together I can't go because of the kids and then like then then you feel resentment. You know like that's when the resentment comes in because you have I mean this fire career thing it's it's very difficult for both because you're trying to figure it out as a as a spouse and they can just walk out the door and like go to the I have to stay home because we have nobody to watch as a kid so now you have to go I can't go and I desperately need to get out of the house but you can go whatever it was it could have been like something we used to go there used to be like a like a weekend baseball tournament and it would like be like Saturday and Sunday and we would have so much fun and I was just lucky enough for a couple years that I had the kids were a little bit older so I didn't necessarily need a babysitter but I just need somebody to like poke their head in and check in on them or I could some you know leave them alone if Alex was here. She was the older one and that was a lot of fun because we would literally have this tournament and it was all the firefighters that were playing against each other and it would narrow down the teams and stuff and then after we'd all end up at a bar. But like I said it's it's definitely an emotional roller coaster because it's like they have a job to do but then sometimes they'd walk out of the house to go to work and I would be like yep that's right just go ahead you can just walk out and not have to worry about anything when before I walk out of the house I have to do this, this, and this but you can just leave like so there's it's literally like a crazy crazy roller coaster.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Do you feel like things are different now?
SPEAKER_00Oh god yeah yeah the kids are home and we're leaving they're like where are you going? I'm like we don't have to tell you we can actually go wherever we want whenever we want our kids are all older and well when you're coming home I don't have to tell you like whenever I feel like it. How old are you? I mean I'm gonna be home to sleep there but that's why I paid the mortgage yeah exactly uh how old are your kids now Alex is 29 Lily will be 24 next month and Darren is 22 and he'll be 23 in May oh my goodness what are they all up to so Alex works at the YMCA at a preschool daycare kind of thing there. And then Lily so she was at Framingham State and she's been out since May she got to walk at graduation but she hasn't gotten her diploma yet because she originally she was shy a couple of credits for graduating but then I guess the criteria for the number of credits you need to graduate changed. So she was able to like what she did she had to like reapply to Framingham State so they could put it in and then like then her tr her credits transferred so like credit wise she can graduate but she owes them money so they're not giving her diploma until she pays that back.
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_00So you know we've helped here and there but you know the thing is she had to live at school and it's only was only framing him she could have saved probably six grand a semester by just living at home. So and she hasn't gotten a job since she got out so she's been not working.
SPEAKER_01Is she back at home with you?
SPEAKER_00She's back at home she's between here and her boyfriend's mom's house. So sometimes they're they stay here and then sometimes they go there. You know basically December 31st is the cutoff for her so she's gonna start like I still pay her cell phone bill because she was in school so I just paid it. But I told her December 31 taking you off of that plan you're gonna have to pay for it on your own and you need to get a job. I mean this is things cost money you know it's I don't know where the ball dropped with her because Mike has always worked multiple jobs. I work I like I'm running around always like a crazy person. I don't very rarely am I ever sitting down and Alex is always working Darren got his EMT and now he's he's taking advantage of that program through Mass Bay to get his paramedic so it's free. So he starts the paramedic program in January. And in the meantime he's working for Brewster Ambulance he's still employed at Roach Brothers but he's only doing like a couple shifts here and there.
SPEAKER_01What's his plan?
SPEAKER_00I I don't know I think I think I told sometimes I think Darren is doing this because I think he's trying to oppress his father and Justin Foster you know Justin Foster? Yeah so he lives next door he's Justin is another one of my kids our my three and him and his two siblings they all grew up together he's a nice guy yeah he's a nice guy so you know Justin got on the fire department I think when he was 19 and he was he got his paramedic so I think too Justin and Mike talk about a lot of fire stuff and I think Darren is kind of left out of the conversation so I just told Darren I said I hope you're doing it because you want to not because you feel like you need to compete with Justin or impress your father I said as long as you have a job that's all we care. I don't care if you're at Roach Brothers for the next 40 or 50 years if you have a job and you're doing your job well and they're good to you and you're making money and you're healthy it's all good. Yeah exactly he's a responsible man exactly yeah so I mean he wants to do it he can you know try it but I said you know being the paramedic is a it's a very it's a huge commitment to take that class. He's gonna take an anatomy class with it as well. So he's gonna have his hands full. I don't think he'll have any problem with the book part of it. The physical aspect of it he's gonna have some issues he's when I I don't know if you knew when I was pregnant with Darren he had a stroke no oh my gosh yeah so he we didn't know that until he came out he he actually came out like four weeks early my water broke and that's when I that's when I feel like he had the stroke but we didn't know until he was a year old. Oh my goodness but so fortunately the stroke was on the right side of his brain so he has left side weakness so for him to like intubate somebody or start an IV line is going to be really challenging because you need two hands to do that. So when he took the EMT class I said you need to make sure you tell your instructors about your left hand because they may have to modify stuff for you and if you don't tell them the only one that's gonna suffer is you and the patient. So you have to tell them this is my deal can you help me figure out another way to do this and and they and they do they they appreciate if you tell them stuff like that. So the paramedic one though I'm not sure how that's going to work because you definitely do like you can't intubate you need to use both hands to intubate you need two hands to do a line you need you know blood pressure He does a blood pressure, but he's, you know, it's still his hand is still, you know, he's gonna figure out a better way to do that. So I think there's gonna be some challenges to it. And I don't think Mike was on board with him doing it, but I said, you know what? Even if the program was gonna cost him money, he was willing to pay, I think it's like seven grand or six grand to take the paramedic thing. And Darren, he has the money, he was prepared to pay it. I said, you know what, Mike, he's 23 years old. If this is something he wants to try, you gotta let him, he's gonna try and either succeed or try and fail, and then try again. So, you know, I I think Darren will do fine with the book part of it. The physical part of it might be challenging. So and I told him it's gonna be a lot of work, but you just have to kind of put your mind to it and just do it. Right. So we'll see.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, good luck to him. I hope he does well. I'm sure he will, but it may just take a little more work.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. Right. I mean, not my cup of tea. I don't I don't my brain does not work that well. I can't even think about that.
SPEAKER_01Well, that's not true. You just do things that are different. It's maybe maybe medical is not for you, but that doesn't mean I can't even I feel like my mother.
SPEAKER_00I feel like I'm getting early dementia because I forget everything.
SPEAKER_01I do too. I call it mommy brain. Stuff that's going on with me. I think that doesn't ever go away.
SPEAKER_00Yep. That's why I have reminders in my phone. Yeah. I have up but I think I have 68 reminders in my phone that come up.
SPEAKER_01Whatever, you get the job done. Yeah. So curious, right? Now I don't think I ever asked you, how did you and Mike meet? You were in the same town.
SPEAKER_00Yeah. So we so the funny thing is, my mom graduated with Mike's dad, but we didn't know that, like when we got together. So Mike and I met because my best friend Patty and I were going to her work Christmas party at the Sheraton Tower in Framingham. At the time, she worked at Roach Brothers.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00And so didn't Mike. So I was Patty's date for the Christmas party. So when we went to the party, there was like one table left, and there was only one person sitting at it, which was Mike. So we sat with him, but Mike and Patty didn't, even though they worked for Roach Brothers, they didn't know each other. So we just we sat there, whatever, just kind of small talk. And actually, Patty and Mike were talking a lot, and he wanted to drive her home. And I said, Absolutely not. I said, I drove you here. I don't know him, and neither do you. So you're coming home with me.
SPEAKER_01That's a good friend.
SPEAKER_00I'm not and and he was pissed. He's like. I was like, I don't know you. Yeah, you seem like you're okay, but I still don't know you. I'm not gonna put my best friend in a car with you and say, Hey, good luck with that, you know. So they must have exchanged phone numbers. They ended up dating for like three or four months.
SPEAKER_01Oh, wow.
SPEAKER_00But they, you know, they really were kind of clashing and stuff. And I remember Mike and I having a conversation because he couldn't figure out what he kept doing wrong. And I think I just kept telling him, you know, you gotta do this, you gotta do, you know, and all this stuff. I told him, I said, you know, girls like flowers, but girls like flowers for no reason. You should just I'm not saying you need to buy them all the time, but you shouldn't just buy flowers for like a birthday or Valentine's Day. You should just buy them for no reason.
SPEAKER_01And you're like coaching him.
SPEAKER_00Yes. And the thing is, we didn't get along initially, but then I think he just had no idea what to do with Patty. So at the time he worked at a gas station, and there was I don't know if you've heard of Barber Brothers florist.
SPEAKER_01I'm not sure, no.
SPEAKER_00It's so do you know where the Planet Fitness is in Natick down on 135?
SPEAKER_01Yes.
SPEAKER_00So it used to be a florist that was in there.
SPEAKER_01Okay.
SPEAKER_00So at the time when Mike was working at the gas station, Barber Brothers would have all their trucks. They had a contract with the gas station, they'd fill up, they just you know put it on credit or whatever. So I had told Mike, you know, just buy her flowers sometimes for for no reason at all, then she likes that. So he did, except he bought the flowers when the truck came to get gas, and he just bought the flowers off the truck, which is fine. But you don't need to tell her that because then it looks like you actually made no effort to go get the flowers. So when she when he gave her the flowers like an idiot, he told her that he bought them off the truck when they came in to get gas, and she was mad. I'm like, well, yes, stupid, of course she's gonna be mad. You should have just left it. I got you flowers. That's it. Right, that's it. So it just whatever, and it just kind of they just were kind of clash, clashing heads here and there or whatever. So, and then but he also became friendly with my brother Jerry, who also worked at the same gas station.
SPEAKER_02Okay.
SPEAKER_00And my brother Jerry had fallen down my mother's stairs and broke his back. So Mike would come over and see him every now and again to see how he was doing. I mean, Patty and him had broken up, and then just, you know, I know Patty at one point had said, you know, I know you guys like each other. I don't care if you guys date, it's totally fine. I'm like, uh, and I remember we were all out one night, my brothers and I and uh Mike and stuff like that. And I went out to my car to leave. Mike tried to kiss me, and I backed away. I'm like, you dated my best friend. This is weird. And then, like I said, Patty then finally said, you know, I know you guys like each other. I'm totally fine if you guys date. So one of the times he was at my mother's house visiting my brother, he kissed me, and that's how that started.
SPEAKER_01Wow. So are you still friends with Patty?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, she was my one of my maids of honor at our weddings.
SPEAKER_01Oh, that's so nice. Yep. It's funny how people come into each other's lives.
SPEAKER_00Yep.
SPEAKER_01How long did you date before you got married?
SPEAKER_00We dated, let's see. We started dating in 89 and got married in 93.
SPEAKER_01Wow, nice. That's great. Yep. Last last thought that I'm having right now. Any, you know, last words of wisdom, pieces of advice or funny stories, any last things you would want to share?
SPEAKER_00I think just being patient, it's hard being married to a firefighter. It's also rewarding in the sense that you meet people and talk to people you probably wouldn't normally ever talk to. But I think, you know, if I were to give advice to the, you know, the younger generation, like like the people that are in their 20s that are either just getting married to firefighters or, you know, still didn't haven't been married very long. I you just you gotta just kinda pick your battles. And it's okay to get frustrated, it's okay to have meltdowns, but you have to understand the job and know that that's you know, in the long run, that's gonna be your financial support, that's gonna be your family. That's you know, there's it it's a lot of it's it's a lot of work. It's a lot of work, but you kind of have to stick with it. And it's hard to stick with it. Not everybody can do it. Right. It's it's really hard, but some people just they want to just be done with it and they don't want to try, and other people you gotta stick with it, but you gotta make the commitment one way or another.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean it must be hard to especially when you're talking about people who used to take overtime a lot more, right? Yeah, especially if that income was really the main source, and and your spouse is out of the house three, four days a week, it might not even feel like you're married anymore sometimes.
SPEAKER_00Well, that's it. It's and and again, when when we had kids, it wasn't so not that it wasn't bad with Alex, but there was over five years between Alex and Lily. So I was back to work, you know, full time, and Alex was in school, then I had Lily, but then Darren and Lily are only 15 months apart. Wow. So that was hard because I felt like I just had a baby, now I'm having another baby, and now I'm gonna be home even longer with these two kids that are both in diapers, and you know, it's hard. I remember calling my mother saying they both need to be changed, and I don't know how to do it. Like it was, it really wasn't, I did it, but you know, you have those moments where your spouse isn't there to help you out, like changing a diaper, little things like that. So it's the littlest things that you think aren't gonna put you over the edge, and it's the little things that do put you over the edge because it's it tests you, it tests your marriage, it tests a lot of things, and it's not it's not I used to feel bad about feeling like having they're not bad thoughts, but it's it is what it is. It's the it's the it's the lifestyle that a firefighter leads. You it's not an easy schedule to get used to. It's terrifying, no, like when your husband or your spouse goes to work as a firefighter, I hope they can come home. Like it's it's I mean, I know there aren't a lot of crazy fires around here and things that happen like in other towns. But when you're married to a firefighter, those thoughts go through your head. And there's uh I'm sure that everybody thinks it. And I think it's just you just after a while, you'll not that you become numb to it, but you just have to either find a way to block it out or figure out something that to take your mind off of that or or do or something. But it is hard and it's not for everyone. It will test your relationship, whether you're married or not. It's it's really hard on each other, especially if you have kids. It's a whole lot, it's it's a whole lot of happy, sad, angry, you know, it's it's all kinds of emotions, all rolls up in one. Right. So you just got you put either push through it or you don't. It's not for everybody, and I get it.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, there's no judgment. You know, if if somebody were to say, I don't think I could live that life, that's yeah. I get that. Yeah, yeah, for sure. Yeah. Wow. Well, yeah, thank you so much for your time. And again, stuff to do, but it was really nice to talk to you.
SPEAKER_00It was good to talk to you too. I hope to see your beautiful face again soon.
SPEAKER_01Thank you. You've inspired me. I'm gonna talk to Robbie again and see what we can do. It might not be before Christmas because now it's coming up soon.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, no, I mean I just think in general, at least keep it in the back of your mind or whatever. And and you know, I don't know, you know, who from the fire station would be interested in, you know, doing it, but it would be nice to just kind of hang out.
SPEAKER_01We uh we I mean we love hosting and we would definitely do that. I think to your point, I maybe leave it up to Robbie to make that decision. And when you leave things up to men, sometimes things don't get done. Yeah. So maybe I'll just pretty much I'll just encourage him a little bit more. Awesome. Well, say hi to everybody for me. It was really good to talk to you.
SPEAKER_00Yeah, you too. It was so good to talk to you. Thank you. Take care. Bye-bye.
SPEAKER_01Thank you so much for listening. If you have any questions for me or you'd like to be interviewed for the Firewives Podcast, please email me at the firewivespodcast at gmail.com. Tune in next week for more Firewives.