E13 Faith

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:10

Hi, Faith. Hi. How are you doing? Good. How are you? Good. Thank you for agreeing to wait meet with me. Yeah, I'm excited. Awesome. Tell me a little bit about yourself. We've never met in person.

SPEAKER_02 0:22

No. So I am a Wildland Firewife. I'm the face behind the Wildland Firewife. I started my Instagram page about a year ago because I really couldn't find a community that was based just for Wildland Firewife. I know there's some amazing, you know, communities within the just fire service in general, but I was really looking for wildlife community, basically. So I am a mom of a four-year-old and a stepmom to a 19-year-old and tomorrow 17-year-old. So I started my journey as a stepmom and hopped right in because you know how the fireworld is. They go away, and I quickly was watching the kids and just jumped into the life.

SPEAKER_01 1:23

And I never considered that piece, the step-parent piece. Yeah. You really have to jump right in. You're right.

SPEAKER_02 1:31

It it was very interesting. You know, his scheduled times with the kids were his scheduled times, and that didn't matter if he was on a fire or not. And so I definitely jumped right in. And on top of that, one of the first major fires when we started dating was the Thomas fire. It hit Santa Barbara, Ojai, Ventura, I'm pretty sure Santa Paula. It was a major fire in this area. And right after that, we had mudslide basically that shut down our highway between the two cities we were living in. So we were having to ride the train with the kids back and forth and doing all this commuting. It was a very interesting start to a relationship.

SPEAKER_01 2:17

Yeah. So don't mind my ignorance. When you say a wildland fire community, what specifically does that mean? What's different about that?

SPEAKER_02 2:27

I think it's just the difference between um the length of time the your firefighter is gone. So I know, like in municipal, you know, it's 72 hours, 48 hours. Ours can be up to 21 days. Three weeks. They can come home too and go right back out if needed be. So it's just a little bit of a difference there, I feel like on how people are processing, you know, the loneliness, whatever else we're processing is firewives. So that was like the main thing I was trying to focus on.

SPEAKER_01 3:09

Right. Wow. I mean, I'm glad that you're doing it. That's amazing. How do you feel like that piece has been going so far? The Instagram page and the building that community.

SPEAKER_02 3:17

Pretty good. It's it's a lot of work. It's definitely a lot of work. It's hard to put yourself out there, you know. It's hard to kind of figure out which topics to focus on and not focus on. There's some people that have some disagreements with what you're saying, but overall, I found it to be a really positive place. And I'm really happy I started it because I'm getting some really good feedback on people who also needed, you know, a community. That's great.

SPEAKER_01 3:47

What could somebody have to say that's negative about this?

SPEAKER_02 3:51

That we're nagging, that we're finding things to complain about. And are people sending that to you? No, just I see it in the community through other pages and stuff. And I just it kind of it makes me so mad because all we're trying to do is be supportive and build something we didn't have ourselves, right?

SPEAKER_01 4:14

You know, so yeah, what could that how could that be bad? How could that bother anybody? I don't understand.

SPEAKER_02 4:20

I know exactly. And if it does, don't skip. You can easily scroll.

SPEAKER_01 4:26

Keep scrolling. That's right. That's so true. Yeah. Yeah. So when did you start your Instagram page?

SPEAKER_02 4:32

I started it last September, I believe. And pretty slow because I am not a person who likes to put my face on camera, but I am learning that that is something you have to do. So it's a new skill, and it is growing because I'm doing that. So it's working out. That's great. Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 4:51

I can understand, I can relate. I as I was telling you a little bit earlier, as I was figuring out my technical difficulties. I don't like to put my face out there either, not for any reason. I also don't want to really make it so much about like the way we look or or anything specific. It's just we should all understand each other at a level deeper than that, you know. Yeah, definitely. Right. So, what do you do for work?

SPEAKER_02 5:17

So I am um, I had a job for a long time. I was a personal organizer, but I stopped doing that because it just became too intense to be a fire wife. Work full time. I was having to commute to my jobs wherever the job was. And so now I'm just a gig mom. I pick up gig gigs randomly. I'm a seamstress, I can do social media. So that's pretty cool. That's awesome. Thank you. Multi-talented. Multi-talented. I like that. Yeah, that's right. It helps firewalfe because careers are very hard to find, as you know.

SPEAKER_01 5:57

That's right. Yeah. When did you stop doing your job and move into the gig mom thing?

SPEAKER_02 6:04

Well, I always did the gig on top of my job as well. So that was another thing that was causing kind of some distress, but it was it's been about a year now.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

Okay. And what do you think now?

SPEAKER_02 6:16

I have a much more regulated nervous system, and I feel like it's gonna be hard for me to return back to a full-time position because it just feels so good to not be stressed out all the time, not be in fight and flight, right? Right. Right, that's so true. And is your four-year-old a boy or a girl? She's a girl.

SPEAKER_01 6:40

She's a girl.

SPEAKER_02 6:41

Is she the boss yet? She is the boss, she's been the boss for quite a long time. I'm familiar. Yes. She likes to walk into her brother's rooms and tell them their room is a mess and they need to clean it up, which is very funny.

SPEAKER_01 6:58

That's great. Do they get along well with her?

SPEAKER_02 7:01

They do, but because they're boys and girls, and because the age gap is so, you know, great or wider, it's kind of like more of a parenting situation for them, I think. Yeah. Yeah. And they're teenagers, they want to be less exactly.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

As teenage boys, that must be different for them.

SPEAKER_02 7:22

Yes, totally. But they're very protective and loving of her. And so it's good. Yeah, that's good.

SPEAKER_01 7:30

So you had already mentioned that you jumped right into the stepmom role. And you know, this this podcast is intended to kind of address all the aspects of our lives. How do you feel that impacts your relationship with their mom?

SPEAKER_02 7:46

Their mom is a high conflict bio mom. So it has been very challenging to ever be on the same page with her regarding pretty much anything. So that's been really challenging. The boys themselves have always been extremely loving and opening open to me. So that has been the biggest blessing is that I didn't have the hatred, or sometimes with stepparents that you can have, I didn't have that mixed. It's just been the bio bomb that's been difficult.

unknown 8:23

Okay.

SPEAKER_01 8:24

Do you think that your spouse being a firefighter contributed to them not staying together, or you think it was just completely different?

SPEAKER_02 8:32

Completely, completely different, yes. And sometimes that's pretty hard for me to understand because some of the conflict is around his job, but that was a decision. He was he's been a firefighter for 20 years. So that was a decision they made together. So I'm not kind I have a really hard time understanding if she also made this decision, why there's conflict around that decision sometimes. So that's been challenging too.

SPEAKER_01 8:58

Yeah. I wonder if sometimes people who go into it don't realize what it really means. You know, you say, Yeah, great, he's a firefighter, awesome. But then like the details are it's a lot more than you expect it to be.

SPEAKER_02 9:13

Yeah. I mean, I know that circumstance happened for me. I think I was on like maybe a four or five years of just feeling like, oh, I'm so proud. He's a firefighter, I can do this, you know. And then our middle son started having problems on top of like him being gone, and it started causing like a lot of riff. And then I kind of woke up and was like, oh my God, I don't have anyone I can talk to this about who understands, you know, both step parent and being a firewife. And that's what really started to get me interested in trying to find a community for one and build a community, you know?

SPEAKER_01 9:50

Absolutely. Yeah. So you built something really good out of a difficult situation. Definitely. Yeah. Are you feeling a difference now that you've started this? Do you have people that are reaching out to you or that you can reach out to? Like, is the are you getting the the output that you were looking for?

SPEAKER_02 10:05

Yeah, I am. And just the people reaching out to me and appreciating that there's even a space like this feels amazing. And that's why I started it, you know. And then on top of it, all the stuff, all the stuff I put out, I'm having to learn. I mean, I know my side and how I feel about these topics, but I'm having to take a deeper step and like learn and look in other people's perspectives of that, those topics. And so it's a really good learning process for myself as well, you know. Absolutely. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 10:38

It's nice to be able to kind of put yourself in somebody else's shoes sometimes. That's true.

SPEAKER_02 10:43

Definitely. There's so many different I mean, okay, there's this topic of fire fireman or fire partner or fire, you know, but the schedules, the pay, you know, everything is so different within the different communities that it's really there's a lot to learn. Like I didn't know that much about municipal fire uh stations or departments before I started this, and it's completely different than wildland fire, basically.

SPEAKER_01 11:18

Oh, a hundred percent. I would never have known about that had I not actually spoken to a previous guest who's in California as well. You guys have a very different experience than we do, and that has good and bad, but even from here to a different town within my state, it's a different schedule, it's a different setup. It's crazy.

SPEAKER_02 11:38

I know there's no like rhythm or rhyme, and it's kind of it's very interesting to learn about.

SPEAKER_01 11:44

Right, right. Now tell me about your childhood. Where did you grow up? Do you have siblings?

SPEAKER_02 11:50

So I grew up in Orange County, and also it's called the Inland Empire. So I grew up in both of those places. I'm the oldest of two siblings. I have a brother in the Who's the Middle Child, and then I have a sister who's the baby. We're all 18 months apart, so we're very close, very supportive, and it's been a really blessing to have siblings. I feel like I think I would well, I do have three kids technically, but I'm always I was always like, I wanted to have an even number. I wanted to have an even number because one person's always left out, you know.

SPEAKER_01 12:28

Yeah, that's true. I guess my siblings and I are three years and five years apart, so it was just a little different, but now we're super close. But growing up, it was just my sister was like my baby sister, you know. Yeah, so I still think she's 13, but she's a grown-up now.

SPEAKER_02 12:43

But I know, isn't that funny how that happens with younger siblings? I'm still very protective of both my siblings, like if we were little, you know. You're right. I don't think that ever changes. Yeah.

unknown 12:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 12:56

Now, did you go to college? What was your education like?

SPEAKER_02 13:00

So I did go to college. I went for a fashion design and was in that field for a really long time and then kind of just got burnt out. That's one of the gigs I actually had, and I had a business when my daughter was little where I had a clothing line for little kids. So it worked out because during nap time I could sew, you know, but I kind of just got burnt out because I I did it for so long. I still really like to do it for her, but that's it, really.

SPEAKER_01 13:32

Yeah. Do you like make her Halloween costumes and stuff? I do. She was a K-pop demon hunter. Wow, that's so cool. That's awesome. I'm a very good Amazon shopper, so we do that for Halloween. That's really cool. Do you think you'll teach her any of those skills or yourself?

SPEAKER_02 13:50

Um, definitely. Her dad, too, is a really like hands-on person. So uh like right now, I'm sitting next to her dollhouse, and half of it is made out of cardboard boxes because she wants to create it herself. So she's definitely gonna learn how to sew, just a little scary right now with the needles and stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_01 14:12

Oh, for sure. That's right. Has she started using like a butter knife or anything to cut stuff up?

SPEAKER_02 14:17

No, she still has one of those like large plastic knives that they have for kids, you know? Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 14:24

My four and a half year old, she just figured out how to open the door with the circle childproof thing on it. So literally like yesterday, and then she did it again this morning. And I'm like, oh shit. Now we have to make sure she stays in the house.

SPEAKER_02 14:39

So yeah, time to take those off. Yeah. We had the opposite where you didn't push it down, you had to pull the handle up. Uh-huh. And she figured that out too. And I was like, okay, what's the point?

SPEAKER_01 14:52

Yeah. Just have to keep reminding her, you stay in the house unless I tell you you can go outside.

SPEAKER_02 14:57

When does she turn five? When's her birthday? Uh, end of September.

SPEAKER_01 15:01

But she's, you know, like the old expression foregoing on 40 or whatever. She's you you would think she's 15 the way she talks. It's crazy. Yeah, I know.

unknown 15:09

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:09

It's interesting. We both have four-year-olds. I know, I know. I wonder if that's part of it too. You know, we've got these little girls that are gonna be women, and like we want to make sure we're living in a world where that's a safe and healthy place for them. It I feel really strongly about that. I want her to be strong and independent. I don't want this kind of idea of like, oh, you're a wife, quote unquote, or you're a woman, right? We all are full people. And so that's why I like doing this because then I hear the story behind the whole, oh, my husband's a firefighter. Because I want to hear your experience and and what it's been like for you.

SPEAKER_02 15:44

Yeah. Yeah, that's a really interesting thing that I think I like struggle with a lot because as you just said, 40 going on 40. So some of the things that come out of their mouth, you're like, oh wait, no, you didn't. You did not just say that to me. So finding a balance between letting them have that voice, but also teaching them respect and kindness is pretty challenging for a girl because I feel like you, I want her to be very strong. Right.

SPEAKER_01 16:11

Right. But also don't aim it at me. Yeah. Go stats somebody else, please. There's a right way to say what you're saying, basically. Yeah. Right. Exactly. I like that. There's a better way to say that. Exactly. That's maybe a good way to kind of address it when they say something. You know, let's try saying that differently. But tell me from your experience, what has the best part of being a firewife been for you?

SPEAKER_02 16:39

I think the amount of pride I have is really the best thing for me. I'm just so proud of what he does, how he leads people, the way he communicates and just is really passionate about his job has been just really inspiring to me. You know, he's put 20 plus years into this career, and I've I've never had a career for 20 years. So it's just inspiring to see, you know, what your life can be like if you do take that step to decide to have one career, basically, until you retire, you know. So I think I think that's it. The pride, the amount of pride I have. How about you?

SPEAKER_01 17:29

I ask people this question all the time, and I don't know that I have a great answer. There's so many pieces of it that I love. But yeah, I think, I mean, not to not to repeat what you said, but I just can't wait for somebody to ask me what my husband does. And I say he's a firefighter. And he does so much more than that. But it's there's nothing like it. Your husband can be, I don't know, CEO of a humongous company or a doctor or a lawyer or whatever. But I just don't feel like there's anybody who's not an EMS who can say that they choose to run into a burning building to help people. Right. Right. Or they choose to run into a dangerous, maybe military, I guess. I shouldn't generalize like that, but it's just hard to find. So I'm I am very proud of him.

SPEAKER_02 18:15

Yeah. And for people like us who are also trying to build a community to watch what they do for their community, it's it's awesome, you know. They put a lot on the line for other people.

SPEAKER_01 18:27

And people who are very often not grateful. So it's surprising that people don't always recognize what what these men and women are doing for them to keep them safe and healthy. Right. You know, like sometimes Robbie will tell me he'll go to the to the grocery store in the fire truck, right? Because they have to eat, because they're human beings who live in a house for here 24 hours for you 21 days at a time. And people will come up to them and complain like, why are you here? Why aren't you at work? What aren't my tax dollars going to? Well, your tax dollars aren't paying for the food, but they have to go get the food. Yeah, it's crazy. You know, people just don't always understand. So I like the piece of this, what you're doing, what I'm doing that raises awareness.

SPEAKER_02 19:15

Yeah. Wow, I never see that's the new I'm learning right now. I would have never I don't know, I guess because when maybe it's different with my husband, just the colors or whatever. I've that's I've never no one's ever said that to him.

SPEAKER_01 19:33

There's actually a movie. I have seen like seven movies in my life. I'm not a movie person, but but there's a movie that he asked me to watch recently and I loved it so much. It's with that actor Rain Wilson. Do you know from The Office? Dwight from The Office. Did you ever s watch that show? Okay, yeah. I know him. Yeah. And I'm gonna find the name for you because I think everybody in this field should watch this movie. It's called Code Three. Code Three, okay. Yeah. And I'm not, again, I'm not a movie person, but he plays a paramedic in that movie, and it basically goes through like 24 hours of his life. And it's funny, but also just pathetic how real it is. Really? Crazy. It's such a good movie. He's a great actor. I you don't give him enough credit because you think of him as like this goofy character in the office, and then you see him playing this, and it's so realistic. Uh you should watch it. Okay. Good. Yeah. I need to show it a lot. I just ran out of shows, so what was the last one you watched?

SPEAKER_02 20:34

We're watching Friends and Neighbors.

SPEAKER_01 20:37

Okay. Yeah. Do you like it? Yeah. What's a show that you would say absolute must watch for everybody?

SPEAKER_02 20:47

I don't know. I am a true crime junkie person. So anything true crime I'm into? Absolutely. I've had to actually, that's been something I added on to this year. Is like, okay, you're trying to work on your nervous system. Like, you don't need to listen to true crime podcast every day, like pick once a week or something.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

No, I love it. I love it. That's great. Do you have a preferred podcast?

SPEAKER_02 21:14

It's called True Crimes, actually, or Crime Junkie. That's what it's called. Crime Junkie. Oh, I've heard of that one.

SPEAKER_01 21:20

Yeah. That's great. Nice. I'm gonna write that down because I need a new one. I wanted to ask you. So you knew what you were getting into. You knew your husband is a firefighter when you got together with him. How did you guys meet?

SPEAKER_02 21:33

We actually met on dating site because we were older. I had been on it for a while, and he I was his first match. And that was it.

unknown 21:46

Perfect.

SPEAKER_02 21:47

My sister had previously dated a YLN firefighter as well. So I knew some of the situations, but I can fondly remember like being at the beach in the summer, and I'm like, God, he's gone forever, like bothering her about it. Like, how do you deal with that? Like, you know, and now I'm like, oh my God, and being in the position that I'm in, I'm just like, how was I so ignorant to like her emotions and feelings towards like him being gone? You know, because it wasn't like personal on me, basically. Right, right.

SPEAKER_01 22:24

But it's nice that you're able to reflect back on that. And she probably, I wonder if she's teased you about it.

SPEAKER_02 22:30

Yeah, she does.

SPEAKER_01 22:31

Now she goes to you.

SPEAKER_02 22:33

I told you.

SPEAKER_01 22:35

That's what a good sister does, is tease. Yeah, that's great. What do you feel the worst part or hardest part has been?

SPEAKER_02 22:43

Um I think the worst part has been just learning to learn my husband in all the different ways that he has to learn his own emotions and feelings. Just learning to know, okay, he's come home from a really tense fire, you know. I know he's gonna be this way. Okay, today was a light day at work. I know he's most likely gonna be this way. Just learning those balances of his emotions and feelings and checking in has probably been the hardest to not take personal all the time. It can really easily feel personal. And it it still does often, I'm not gonna lie, but I have to remind myself like, okay, check in. Like, maybe it was a bad day, you know, maybe this fire was really hard. Because you know, as a firewife, sometimes they go to the most extreme fires, and sometimes they're, you know, little fires where they have like more freedom to do not other things, but it's just not as intense. So they come home differently from those fires, you know.

SPEAKER_01 24:01

Right. Yeah. So what is his schedule like? So he only goes when he's called in if there's a fire, or what happens?

SPEAKER_02 24:09

No, so he is he works year-round. He works either 7:30 to 4:30, or right now it's summer season. So he goes in at 9:30 and he works till six. Every day? Uh his schedule right now is Monday through no, no, sorry, Sunday through Thursday.

unknown 24:31

Okay.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

So he works five days. So anytime throughout the whole year, he can be called on a fire, which means he can be gone either 14 days or 21 days. So throughout the year, he probably goes on five or six assignments. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 24:51

Yeah. But when he's not on an assignment, he's home every night.

SPEAKER_02 24:55

Unless there's 24s. So in the summer, there's gonna start being sundowners here, and he'll be doing 24s.

SPEAKER_01 25:03

So sorry, does he does he choose when to do that? Like he bids on overtime or they tell him. No, it they tell him.

unknown 25:13

Wow.

SPEAKER_02 25:14

Yeah. On assignments, he can sometimes choose whether he wants to go on them or not, but most of the time it's like this is what you're doing.

SPEAKER_01 25:24

Wow, that's that's a lot. That's a lot of variability in your schedule. Like, how can you plan for anything? Yeah, we can't. Yeah, yeah. What happens if you're he can take vacation time?

SPEAKER_02 25:35

He can take vacation time, yes. Okay, yeah. It's mostly during winter. So the boys and him have always snowboarded. So my daughter and I are definitely gonna have to fit into the the winter vacation schedule because that's one week in vacation. Right. Yeah. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

Wow. Yeah. I guess the benefit of the I guess New England style, I don't know what to call it, not the wildland fire style. Yeah. There's overtime. Sometimes they get forced, yes, but in all technicalities, I can tell you my husband's schedule until he retires. Unless they should change his shift for whatever reason. But if he stays on his current shift without a like a promotion or some sort of other change, I can plan out forever. So we know what childcare we need. I never imagined that like I went to a lot of school to do my job, and I would hate to have to give it up, but I would have to if I lived somewhere like California or somewhere that is a is is your husband's style.

SPEAKER_02 26:39

Yeah. I mean, there's it's like I could, you know, kiss him goodbye this morning and I could get a call at any time saying I'm going on assignment, like see you in 21 days, you know. So anything that's happening for those next 21 days is basically I have to take over, I have to cancel, I have to reschedule. Yeah, it's a lot. That's that is a lot, absolutely. Wow. So your husband doesn't get automatic mandous. Is that the correct term? I feel like people use different terms too, which is so interesting.

SPEAKER_01 27:13

Yeah, I know. I know I don't know what that I assume you mean mandated to stay. Yeah, yeah. Sometimes they get we call it being forced. If let's say somebody calls out and they have to have a minimum number of people on and he's already there, then he would get forced, for example. But they also go based on he always laughs at me because apparently I say a lot of things that are incorrect on the podcast. So don't hold me to it. But he they used to go based on seniority, I guess, but then all the less senior people were always being forced. So I think now, if I remember, they basically have a list of like the last time you were forced and and like your number changes basically. Yeah. In terms of overtime, you bid on it, and they also have a list of like your it's not seniority, like based on how long you've been working there, but like your number on the list. So if you're high on the list, you're more likely to get the overtime. Okay. But that's optional. That's not that's not being mandated.

SPEAKER_02 28:09

Yeah. That's how so that's how the system works too for ours as well. There's a list, and you know, you go to a fire, you come, you're on the bottom of the list. So then the next crew would go out. My husband's a chief now, so his is a little different. You know, they just call him and say, Take this assignment, basically. Wow. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 28:30

So now you bring up a good point. Even the terms are different. Is Chief the highest in his town?

SPEAKER_02 28:36

No, there's a no, there's a division. So he's the chief, and then there's the division.

SPEAKER_01 28:43

Yeah. Okay. So here's so interesting. I know, right? Is Chief is like the highest person in the city or town? Okay. But they're not so is it division because his city or town is so big they have multiple like pieces of it?

SPEAKER_02 29:03

He just has different qualifications for the division. So he's just higher rank. So he looks over the chiefs. And my husband is a chief, so he looks over the crews.

unknown 29:17

Interesting. Okay.

SPEAKER_02 29:18

Yes. Wow.

SPEAKER_01 29:20

See, it's so strange.

SPEAKER_02 29:21

I know people I read all the time, like people say deployment for their for when they go out, but I've never I never heard that before I started doing all this. We just say assignment, like they're on assignment. But there's so many people that say deployment. I mean, it kind of is.

unknown 29:39

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 29:40

It's a long time to be away.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

Yeah. Yeah. Just the different languages, learning curves, you know.

SPEAKER_01 29:46

Yeah. Right. Now, taking another step back. Sorry, I feel like I'm going back and forth. That's okay. You mentioned that, you know, depending on the type of shift that he had or the type of fire that he had, he comes home and you can kind of sense that he's different. Does he do well when you ask him about it, or does he is he more like I need space kind of person?

SPEAKER_02 30:07

Uh I think he's a mixture of both. So it really depends. If something is really bothering him, he is a I'm a shut down, I'm need to internalize this before I can express it person. But if it's something a little bit lighter, yeah, he's able to share it and walk it through. So that's another learning curve, too. You know, like I basically have to ask, like, hey, is this something you want me to listen to, or is this something you want like to communicate about?

unknown 30:37

Right. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:38

Right. And are you the same kind of person or are you more of a communicator?

SPEAKER_02 30:42

No, I'm a com I'm a communicator. I'm a let's solve this problem and move on with our life thing. Otherwise, it's gonna play out in my head over and over. And I don't want space, I don't want my space being taken up like that.

SPEAKER_01 30:55

Yeah. Which you could argue is a little bit healthier. Yeah. Yeah.

unknown 31:02

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 31:02

What about you? So it's interesting. I I'm I am very verbal. Just in a as a general rule, what's in my head comes out and that's it. And then I let it go, right? Like it's gone. My husband, not as much. He's definitely he'll crack a joke and he'll just, you know, move on. He doesn't hold on to things the way I do. Like he definitely life is lighter for him. Right. Like I can definitely internalize feelings a little bit more. But I guess I figured it out with him. I just have to kind of ask him again and just bring it up again and not just like let him joke it off. And when I do, he's great. Like he'll say what he's thinking or feeling. But I I think we're both good at communicating now. Initially, maybe he was not as good. Or maybe he just, you know, didn't I guess let me put it this way he may not have thought about how I would feel about a situation, right? Or like how I would process a feeling as much as he would now. Yeah. So, but I think I think it's probably pretty similar. And I think it's across the board, the fire department, they tend to not be so open about their emotions.

SPEAKER_02 32:21

Right. And is that something you learned when you started like, you know, building this community too? I feel like I didn't really take that aspect in about how much they actually have to push down their emotions at work because of the intensity of what they're seeing and doing. And then to come home and be in a space where you have to communicate and have emotions with your family and be open. It's such the transition must be so overwhelming at times for them.

SPEAKER_01 32:48

Yeah. Yeah. You're right. I didn't, I never put myself in his shoes as much as I try to now. That like if he's a little sassy, I normally would be like, uh-uh, right. But then now I'm trying to remember that, you know what, maybe something happened. And he may, he might not even be thinking that about it. Like it might not be an act of thought of I'm upset about this. Right. Sometimes it just kind of you're you get bothered and it's just annoying. And you might sass somebody a little bit. And I'm trying to be a little more respectful of that.

SPEAKER_02 33:22

Yeah. Having to turn off and on your emotions constantly like that is yeah. I feel for them sometimes.

SPEAKER_01 33:32

Right. And to come home to especially like for us, we have little kids to come home, and and a lot of firefighters at some point have little kids. You have to come home and like get on the floor with them and and talk baby talk with them and teach them how to be respectful and this and that. It it must be hard when all you want to do is probably just like sit down or go for a run or whatever it is that you do to turn off, you know.

SPEAKER_02 33:55

Yeah. Or not have anyone talk to you because you've been talking all day.

SPEAKER_01 33:59

Right. But then you have a four-year-old who has 900 questions about, you know, why is the sky blue? Exactly. Right.

SPEAKER_00 34:07

Right.

SPEAKER_01 34:07

Yeah. Do you have any advice now that you've been through it, you've started this community, and you're getting some feedback from people. If you meet somebody who's about to go into this position of being a fire spouse or partner, what would you tell them?

SPEAKER_02 34:26

I would tell them just to accept that there is going to be challenges that are not in a normal marriage. And the more quickly you can work through those challenges, the better it's going to be. To try to be very understanding, even though at times you're going to feel like you're too understanding, like it's taking away from you. But it's just part of being a firewife. I don't know how to get around that. I don't know if you found a way to get around that, but I always feel like I have to give a little more than I get. And it's not like he's doing that on purpose. It's just kind of how it is. So you have to, I would say just that's really important, just to just to learn as much, not take things personally and just work through things as quickly as you can when they come up, because it just builds really quickly in this, you know, life for your with your partner, then you have this space, and so and you know you can't talk about those things, and then it builds up more quickly compared to I feel like someone who doesn't live this lifestyle.

SPEAKER_01 35:44

Yeah. I wonder though, now that we know this, right, and we take these active steps to be more communicative and be more understanding. I wonder if it sets us up for success in a way that other non-fire EMS marriages, maybe they don't have that because they don't have to deal with that. And I think communication is important in any relationship. So I wonder if maybe that's a good thing that we're we've figured that part out. Yeah. I mean probably is, right? Yeah, yeah. I think it'd be hard to get through something like this. Yeah. Or, you know, stay happy in a situation like this otherwise.

SPEAKER_02 36:20

Right. Yeah. I mean, and I don't know for you guys, like, do you find that it it it did did and still does take a lot of work to communicate, or have you found a good balance with that?

SPEAKER_01 36:34

I think it ebbs and flows. I think sometimes, especially for me, like, you know, I have a four-year-old, as I mentioned, but I also have a 10-month-old. And so during my like active postpartum period, it was harder because I'm like, I'm so overwhelmed. My hormones were wild. We also did IVF, so that those hormones were crazy.

SPEAKER_02 36:57

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 36:57

And it was hard for me to even put together like what's even bothering me, you know. So in those, in those couple of months, few months, whatever that was, it was a lot harder. But now I'm kind of starting to feel back to myself a little bit. I think it's easier. And we both like I don't need that communication as much because I don't not there's not as much bothering me. So I don't know. I don't know. Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:22

That period of your life is really challenging, right? Yeah, yeah, it's really hard. Yeah. I didn't even think I recognized it until like maybe two years, like when my daughter was two, I was like, oh wow, that was postpartum. Like, yeah, yeah, absolutely.

SPEAKER_01 37:39

I actually had it's not really funny, but it's kind of funny looking back when we went through the IVF process. I don't know if you know anything about it, but I had to do all these injections and whatever. And then you do the retrieval, the eggs come out, yeah, and that's it. And they're like, bye, see you later. Come back in a month or whatever to do the implant or transfer. And I'm reading this book that was an incredible book, The Women. And it was about like the Vietnam War. I think that was called the thing. My mom read that book and she cannot stop talking about it. Incredible book, absolutely, also a very emotional book. And I'm reading it like the week, the week I stopped all those hormone injections and I had all these eggs removed. And I'm just crying all the time. And I'm like, what is wrong with me? That I'm driving out of the house and I just stopped in my driveway. And I was like, oh, this is postpartum because that hormone crash. Yeah. Right. And so I was like, okay, there's nothing wrong with me. I just need, I just need time. And so that, and so like I put that together, it helped that I figured it out. But I guess what I'm getting at is like during those hormonal changes, during that time of your life, it's really not so much in your control. So I can see if you weren't good at saying, I am upset, I don't know why, I just this is what I need from you, then I can see how it would be difficult to continue being happy with a give and take in the relationship. Totally. You know, definitely. Yeah. Yeah.

unknown 39:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

One funny thing that I've been asking people is after an interview with a previous guest, she called it shift happens. Do you have any funny stories about things that happen while your husband is away?

SPEAKER_02 39:24

Uh well, recently we I don't know. This is pretty gross, but recently a rat must have had babies around our house somewhere. And my cat has been bringing the babies inside. And half the time he has killed them, and half the time he hasn't. And I do not like rats. I am not a rat person. I'll do anything else besides rats. So of course that's happening while he's on shift, right? So what did you do? Oh, you know, called in, called in one of my stepsons. He's trying to pick up the washing machine with one hand and get the mouse out of there or the rat, and I'm not gonna help him. So I think on like the fifth one, I was like, this is 911. I never call you home, but you gotta come home because like I'm gonna lose where this rat is in the house. We're not gonna know where it is, and then you're gonna burn the house down. Yeah, and I'm not doing this.

SPEAKER_01 40:29

So oh wow, that's really gross. Yeah, that's really gross. And you didn't even end up calling an exterminator? You called him to come home.

SPEAKER_02 40:38

No, yeah, I just called him to come home. We we have one, so it's weird that this that happened. It stopped happening, thank God. But he I don't know if he was going to the neighbor's house and bringing him over or what, but oh, you think your cat actually started this whole problem? Well, he found a nest or something somewhere and just kept going back and getting them. Yeah. Oh my god. Yeah, yeah. He would, he was, he would just I leave the back door open during the day and he would just walk in our house with them. So that's how they were getting in. Yeah. Since that's been happening, because he's he sleeps right on me at night. I'm like, I mean, the door's closed, so it's not gonna happen, but I'm just like, oh god, if I wake up to that.

SPEAKER_01 41:23

Oh my goodness, no, no. Although, meanwhile, my dog, one of my dogs, I've two, one of them likes to kill things, I guess. She's a killer. So she one time I caught her, she had a rabbit in her mouth. A little bunny, a little bunny. And I saw her and I was like, Bailey, drop it. And I just like freaked out. The poor thing was still alive, but I think she like severed it somehow, and it was just squealing and going in circles. And so I was like, I don't know what to do. So we put it in a box and we brought it food and water, and it ended up dying a day later. Like, I really should have just let her finish the job, it would have been the more merciful thing to do. Yeah, but I don't, I just I don't I don't do well with that.

SPEAKER_02 42:05

So I don't think we was your husband on shift when that happened.

SPEAKER_01 42:09

No, he was home, thankfully. I would have, I mean, I don't even know what I would have done. I would have been like, I I don't know. I would have grabbed gloves, I guess, and tried to do it. But he he's like, You should have just let her finish the job. But since you did it, and I know that you're a weenie about this stuff, he went and bought bunny food and he got a little water thing. Like, he did it because he knew that I was like dying inside. Yeah, but I was like, Bailey, what? Like, leave the poor rabbit alone.

SPEAKER_02 42:31

She just thinks it's a toy. I know that's how my cat is. He he came in, he's like flipping it up in the air and stuff. I'm like, oh, it's so gross.

unknown 42:41

Gross.

SPEAKER_01 42:42

But rats are definitely worse than bunnies. Yes, yes, super gross. I'm sorry that you went through.

SPEAKER_02 42:47

The bunny was sad. The bunny's sad.

SPEAKER_01 42:49

Yeah, I know. You're like, kill the rat, but just bring it in here.

unknown 42:52

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 42:53

Yeah. So any last things, any things you want to mention, any anything that you wish that I would be asking people about? I always like that question because I I I want to make this something that people are happy to listen to.

SPEAKER_02 43:06

No, I think you do a great job. I love listening to your podcast. Yeah. I loved the one. Was it your mom or your husband's mom? His aunts. His aunts. Okay. Yeah. I really like I really like that one because it's it was just interesting to hear like the old generation and you know how they dealt with it and stuff.

SPEAKER_01 43:27

That's right. It was super different. Super different.

SPEAKER_02 43:30

No, totally. Yeah. I just want to say, I think, you know, I'm so proud of like all of us for starting this community and building this community because it's just it's really needed. You know, people don't need to suffer when there's other people have gone through it already that could help them, you know? And so I think if you are struggling, I just would really say find a community. Find one of us that you know you can reach out to and that's we're here to support, you know?

SPEAKER_01 44:08

Right, right. Now, have you been in California your whole life? I have.

SPEAKER_02 44:12

I'm a California girl. Yeah. Nice.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

Nice. Do you love it there?

SPEAKER_02 44:16

I do love it. Yeah. You know, my husband gets to go to different states all the time and because he's always thinks about moving out of state, and he'll come home and he'll be like, okay, Texas is out of it. And I'm like, yes. I want to go in California. I've never been. Oh, you haven't? Oh, I've never been.

SPEAKER_01 44:38

I know we definitely will. I think it's just the distance of the flight right now that's talking about it. Totally. Yeah. Yeah. But we will one day for sure. Yeah. Yeah. I asked because I was wondering if you've met firewives from different parts of the country or different parts of the world before.

SPEAKER_02 44:54

No, just online.

SPEAKER_01 44:55

Yeah.

unknown 44:56

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 44:57

Yeah. This has been my first experience too, meeting people. And it's been mostly two from California, one from Colorado. I think I have another one coming up from a different state as well, but it's just been so interesting to talk to people from different parts of the country. Yeah, definitely. Well, thank you so much for your time. It's been lovely to talk to you. Hopefully, we can touch base again. You're doing a great job with your Instagram page. Keep it up.

SPEAKER_02 45:19

Definitely. Thank you. Yeah. And thanks for your podcast. I'm walking to my house, doing dishes and all the things I'm doing and listening to it. So I love it.

SPEAKER_01 45:28

With my voice and your ears.

unknown 45:29

Yeah. Good.

SPEAKER_01 45:30

Awesome. Well, I hope you're enjoying it. I'm so happy to hear that.

SPEAKER_02 45:34

I am. Thank you.

SPEAKER_01 45:35

All right. Take care. Bye. Bye. Thank you so much for listening. I hope you enjoyed being here as much as I did. If you have any questions for me or if you'd like to be interviewed, please reach out at the firewivespodcast at gmail.com. You can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook. Tune in next week for the next episode of Firewives.