Fire Wives
Join me as I chat with my fellow Fire Wives about what it's like to be married to a Firefighter. Every week, we’ll be talking about the good and the bad of being in the Fire Family, sharing funny stories, and highlighting the spouses that make it all possible.
Fire Wives
E18 Megan Part 1
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Hi there. Hi. Hi, how are you? I'm good. How are you? Good. Is it Megan or Megan? It's Megan. It's it's a nickname that I had, so it's Megan on Instagram. But my name is Megan.
SPEAKER_02Megan. Well, it's nice to meet you. Thank you so much for being patient. I just wanted to explain why I'm late. My brother and his wife are my my sister-in-law's being induced to have her third kid, like right now. And so she probably won't have the kid until tomorrow or the next day, but I have both of their first two kids. And of course, we did bedtime, we got it done. And as soon as I was like, all right, I gotta run down, they're like, I have to poop. So all three of them sat and pooped. And so here we are. So I'm so sorry to keep you waiting.
SPEAKER_01No, no worries. I mean, I know how it is. I have four kids, so I do I know how it is.
SPEAKER_02Got it, got it. So tell me a little bit about yourself. Thank you so much for joining, like I said.
SPEAKER_01No, of course. So I'm Megan. I am a mom of four, 13, 10, 4, and a year old, or just over a year. Yeah, busy. Big age gap. Oh, yeah, huge. I work in special education with moderate to severely disabilities or moderate to severe disabilities, and I have for the last 10 years. So all I know is kids and mom life, really.
SPEAKER_02Yep. It's a very special kind of life.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. It's yeah, that's kind of, and like I I had said earlier, I have too many unfinished projects. So that's that's me. Unfinished projects, mom life, and yeah.
SPEAKER_02That's great. Honestly, I mean, what you do for work is incredible, and we need so many more people to do that. What is like a day-to-day for you?
SPEAKER_01Oh gosh. Work days, I would say mornings are so chaotic. It's getting the kids ready for school and daycare, and then getting myself to work, and you know, never knowing what I'm walking into in my classroom. Never you never know what the day is gonna bring. And I love that. Obviously, I love the chaos. Fire spout, firewife, and you know, my job is it's a good kind of chaos. And you know, it's get through the work day. Sometimes it's a good day, sometimes it's a little crazy. And then it's pick up the kids, come home, cook dinner, clean up, and do the same thing. When it comes to breaks, it's trying to finish one project at a time. Like I said, I'm really good at starting so many projects. Right right now, I have one. Oh shoot. Are you okay? That's part of one of my unfinished projects. I was gonna say, is that a project? I was rearranging the decorations and I was like, ooh, okay, time to time to do this. So that's where it got stuck.
SPEAKER_02That's okay. I didn't expect you to get hit in the head with a gate, but you know, that that's my life.
SPEAKER_01Is that a decorative gate or is that a functional one? No, is it a gate?
SPEAKER_02It looks like it.
SPEAKER_01It kind of looks like a gate, it's just like a little panel. Yeah, there's two of them, so it looks like a got it.
SPEAKER_02It's made up they look lovely. Yeah, I couldn't tell they weren't attached to the wall, so that's good.
unknownNo.
SPEAKER_01So one, two, three, four, five unfinished projects right now. What kind of project? One is rearranging. I'm actually re-brointing a I guess, I guess those plastic houses, playhouses that go outside. I finished painting it, spray painting it, but now I'm gonna drill it, has a little place for like little flowers to be planted. So I'm gonna drill holes so I can actually plant real flowers in there. Put up the little hooks so I can put the little little solar lights on it. Oh, that's so cute.
SPEAKER_02That's awesome.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, I have I have a lot of big ideas, but it's taking me a while to get it done.
SPEAKER_02So do you come up with your own ideas, or are you like off in uh Pinterest or whatever?
SPEAKER_01A little bit of everything. And I like to find an idea and be like, oh, how can I like this is really great now? How can I make this even better? And I need to just stick with if I see it, just copy it, modify a little bit, but don't don't try to don't try to add the real flowers, just add the fake flowers like everybody else and call it good.
SPEAKER_02I don't know. I don't know. I think if you make it your own, you're gonna love it more.
SPEAKER_01So yeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. What else? What are the projects you're working on?
SPEAKER_01Oh gosh. Expanding the garden for sure. I need to come up with a way, I want it cute. I don't want it one of those just throw up a little shade in the backyard. I want it to be cute and functional. So there's another one. I well, it's I guess you could call it a project. I bake for friends. I well, I love to bake and do lots of little sweet treats and things. But a friend of mine told me or is can has convinced me I should get my business license and start selling them, which is would be fun. It's something I really enjoy doing, and it's very it's my therapy, especially on the long shifts where I'm by myself. So it'll give me something fun to do. And the kids love to help me bake, so that's always a plus.
SPEAKER_02Do you bake after they're asleep mostly, or is it usually when they're awake?
SPEAKER_01It's probably it's a good 50-50. It kind of just depends on the day. Uh there when I'm doing a bigger project, I like to do it when they're asleep because as much as I love their help, there's some times where I just I don't want the help. Yeah. Or I'll give them something else to be. I'm like, hey, here, do this, and give them their own little cupcakes to decorate while I finish baking.
SPEAKER_02That's a good idea. What kind of stuff do you like to bake usually?
SPEAKER_01I started the little mini loaf cakes. I do a lot of just cakes and cupcakes. The kids love they love helping with the chocolate dip strawberries, or when I make the homemade rice crispy treats, or with any of the cereals. Actually, guys at the station love it when I bring them too. Yeah, I bet.
SPEAKER_02I always worry whenever I make something that if I send it over to the firehouse, they're gonna be like, ugh, this doesn't taste good, or whatever. I'm like, they they will eat, they're literally like trash cans, they'll eat anything. I don't know why I stress out about it.
SPEAKER_01Anything and everything. And I always tell them, like, hey, like if there's you know, like critique me, like tell me, like if there's if there's something that needs to be changed, or if you think of a better idea. And there was this, I remember this one just like, oh, like, oh, this is the worst thing ever. And I was like, Oh, okay. And then it was like, and then everyone started laughing. I was like, oh, okay, he you got me. Okay, I get it.
SPEAKER_02You got good one, haha. So you mentioned you work with special education. What ages do you work with usually?
SPEAKER_01Currently, I well, school year just ended, and it's one of those things where I'm an aide, but I work with the behaviors. And right now, I was this last couple of years, I was in a high school classroom, but in our program, we have anywhere from ages three to 22. So it's one of those really we never know what classroom we're gonna be in next. And usually we'll stay for a few years, but I have found I don't know how to say this. When you're really good at helping with students who need a lot of support, you tend to get moved around more often. So it's one of those I love it, and I would never trade it for anything. Um but that's why they always oh like yeah, we'll be in the same classroom. Like, well, maybe you know, hopefully they hopefully they don't want me anywhere else. And yeah, it's I love it though. I love I love it. I obviously, like I said before, I love the chaos.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. So how long has your husband been on the fire department?
SPEAKER_01Oh goodness, seven years, seven years, or this will be his seventh. He just promoted to an engineer, so that's really nice. Congrats, that's awesome. Yes, yes, that was a long, long uh three months of him at the academy and by myself.
SPEAKER_02That was yeah, good business with four kids.
SPEAKER_01It was not fun. We'll say that. That's I will say that's I don't know how many times sickness happened to hit our house while he was gone, but I don't think the kids have ever been that sick in wow five years.
SPEAKER_02Wow, that's too bad.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so but it's you know, it all worked out. We got we got through it, and here we are starting, I guess it's starting a new chapter in our lives for sure.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. What will be different now that he made that promotion?
SPEAKER_01He's definitely gonna be gone more, for sure. Definitely. I mean, now with him, you know, with where with him working, he works Calfire. So now he's he's gonna be gone. And with it being California in fire season, I have I have already prepared myself to not see him until probably October, November.
SPEAKER_02From now?
SPEAKER_01Yes. Wow, that's insanity between all of the forces and you know the hold on everybody and all the strike. Yeah, no, it's gonna be it's gonna be a year. I can already tell.
SPEAKER_02Wow. Do you mean when you say you plan on not seeing him, do you mean like he's mostly gonna be at work, but he will come home in the in between, or do you think he'll actually be gone for that long?
SPEAKER_01Well, I not straight, but pretty much for the most part.
SPEAKER_02I feel like he's I only ask, yeah, I only ask because our we are not in California and we're in Massachusetts, and it's just a different, it's different. And so I've spoken with a few California people now, and they tell me that they're gone, you know, the firefighters are gone for three weeks at a time, things like that. So you could have told me he'd be gone till October and I would have believed you.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, it's a different world. It feels like that. I mean, you know, and he'll be gone, and that's that that is the reality of it is you know, three weeks and they'll come home for one, two days, and again, it depends. If the whole state's on fire and they need everybody, nobody's coming home and they're gonna be pulling everybody left and right. So wow, it's always unpredictable, but like I said, it's it's our life, obviously. Again, it's one of my things that I love to say is I love the chaos, and those who you know those who are in the fire like or fire life, they understand when you say I love the chaos. Some people, no, what do you mean you love the chaos? You I'm like, you you don't know chaos until you've gone through a a California well, not even just California, but a fire season that's keeps your husband away nonstop.
SPEAKER_02Wow. Did you know that he was gonna be a firefighter when you met? How did you meet?
SPEAKER_01We met on Tinder and Bumble. Actually, we matched on both, but it was one of those situations where I was like, oh, he's too cute. He looks like he's yeah, I yeah, he knows what I've said about him, but uh it's like oh no, I'm gonna swipe left, swipe left. And that was back when you know Tinder would like use swipe left on him, and he kept popping up, popping up, and I was like, okay, fine, fine, you're popping up. So I swiped right, and I was like, Oh, that's why you keep popping up. You you wanted a match with me. And we started talking, and he was working somewhere else, and my two older boys are from a previous marriage, and so I had them during that weekend that he was gonna be home. So the following week, or the next days that I didn't have them, it was the way it worked out. I went and saw him. I drove three and a half hours away and to go meet him for the first time and you know, call it crazy because I mean you hear these horror stories of yeah, I want to go meet somebody online, and you know, some crazy things happen, but I mean they make entire shows about it, don't they?
SPEAKER_02It's like catfish 101 or something.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and you know, those are my types of shows that I like to watch, and here I am going to go meet this person that I've literally just matched with and been talking to for about a week.
SPEAKER_00Wow, the rest of the brave.
SPEAKER_01I mean, it's one of those. Well, we met and it was just it was just I don't want to say love at first sight, but it was one of those, like we both were like, Oh yeah, like I knew as soon as I saw you that you were gonna be in my life forever.
SPEAKER_02So that's amazing.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, and it that was back in gosh, how long has it been? Almost eight years now. Wow, that's so nice. And you got married right away? When was that 23? Nice, so it's five years, about five years into it. That's lovely.
SPEAKER_02That's wonderful. So sorry, did you know that he wanted to be a firefighter? It sounds like you must have. Or he already was.
SPEAKER_01No, so he's not no, he wasn't a firefighter, but he I was with him, you know, when he got his first season, which was really cool. I didn't know at first, it was probably I don't know, only a couple months in that you know, we kind of really talked about careers and everything. And yeah, I mean, that following year in August, it was his first season. So we were together about a year before he became an actual firefighter, which was, I guess I could say I've been there since the start of his career.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's amazing. And what do you think in comparison to what you expected? You know, going into it, you knew maybe he wanted to be, and then it happened. How was that?
SPEAKER_01It's not easy. I mean, you know, there's so many people that think, oh, I'd love to be with a firefighter. They think they see, you know, I'm gonna like reference like the calendars of these firefighters and their suspenders, and they're like, Oh, that'd be so great. And it's not all rainbows and butterflies, you know, and I do know it's oh yeah, of course, I mean, you know, but it's I didn't know exactly what it would be like because I had never experienced you know really a relationship with somebody like that before. And it was it took a lot of getting used to. I mean, I would say probably even the first five years, it took a lot to get into the routine of things. It's hard. I mean, it was very, very hard. And now it's just like, oh, okay. Or like, oh, you're supposed to wear Christmas. Okay, so let's celebrate it, you know, a week before, a week after, you know, our holidays. That's what our holidays and birthdays look like. We celebrate hardly ever are they ever on the day that they're supposed to be on. And that's just yeah.
SPEAKER_02Just the way that it is sometimes you have to make these compromises, and it's worth it. But it's it's certainly difficult, it's not necessarily something that you could just be casual about all the time, right? Like, especially you have a four-year-old. Yeah, and you explain Santa is not gonna be there.
SPEAKER_01Well, luckily for her, she doesn't get the concept of time, you know, and I I do, you know, I'm there, you know, and it's just me. It's like, oh, okay, here. Like, I I do, you know, the things that need to be done, like Santa, and that's what you know, I make sure that's always taken care of. And it is, I know that's hard for him to miss out on is the Christmas morning when Santa comes, and but I do make sure I get the the pictures and the videos for him for sure. But yeah, yeah, explaining, you know, to a four-year-old why her dad has to be, you know, leave for work and then you know, oh, I'll see you tomorrow. Because she kind of she doesn't get the concept of time, but she kind of does. She kind of has this, oh, okay, I've I've been asleep for you know three nights, dad's gonna come home tomorrow. And it's always we'll see, we'll we'll see what happens. We never that's one thing I will say is we never tell the kids when he's supposed to be, or what we don't say he's coming home until he is on the road, leaving the station behind and it's in the in this rear view mirror.
SPEAKER_00Right.
SPEAKER_01For sure. Because that's it's hard. You never you don't want to get the kids, you know, you don't want to get their hopes up, like, oh dad's coming home today, and then it's like just kidding, he's not.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, really, with kids around that age, it's kind of the same thing with anything, right? Like, I wouldn't want to tell my daughter we're going to, you know, I don't know, the playground until I'm in the car or about to be in the car and ready to go because it's just too hard to explain and adjust. So I think that makes sense. It's a good strategy to have.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, it is. Do you feel like well, let me ask you, what is it like with your older two? Do you have them all the time? What's that? Do you share custody?
SPEAKER_01Yeah, so share custody. We have a two, two, five schedule. So we'll have them two days a week and then alternating weekends. And that was, you know, he came into their lives. Gosh, how old were they? I don't know. What's eight or three? What were they? Five and two, I believe. Five and two. So they have adjusted, you know, to well stepdad, but they call him dad. So they they have adjusted to dad's schedule. It didn't take them too, too long. But you know, my 10-year-old, he still has a hard time sometimes. 13-year-old, he understands more.
SPEAKER_02But yeah, they yeah, sorry, I'm like, no, no, it's okay. It's okay. I like to hear your thought process. It's okay.
SPEAKER_01My thought process is all over the place.
SPEAKER_02Do you feel like they're as affected by it as your four-year-old or more so? I mean, he's been in their life since they were little.
SPEAKER_01My 13-year-old, he's really good at hiding it when he's upset when that when he's been gone. My 10-year-old, there's times where he, you know, he's been gone for two or three weeks at a time, and I miss dad, and he's crying. Yeah, and it's so hard because on the inside, I'm like, I just want like me too, dude, like me too. But I have to hold it together. You know, I I definitely have to hold it together in front of the kids. But we just try to give them something to look forward to. We're like, okay, yeah, dad's been gone for three weeks, but this weekend we're going to we do this thing where we eat dinner on a table on a like a plastic tablecloth on top of the table, and it's table to dinner. No dishes besides whatever we use to cook, and the kids love it.
SPEAKER_02And you mean you put the food directly on the table?
SPEAKER_01Yes, yes. We put a little plastic tablecloth down, just a little, you know, the party tablecloths, throw one down, throw it on the table.
SPEAKER_02Is this every day or just when he's not around?
SPEAKER_01No, it's actually it's more so when he's been gone and then he come my when he comes home. My husband comes home.
SPEAKER_02Okay, so it's like a little tradition.
SPEAKER_01Yeah, yeah. And we do it other times too, but it's one of those things that I know that gets the kids super happy is dad's been gone, but guess what we're gonna do when dad comes home? Table dinner. Um, so what do you guys want to do? And usually at least the four-year-old and the 10-year-old, they love it because the utensils are optional to use. So if you really want to use your hands and fingers, you get to use your hands and fingers.
SPEAKER_02Wow, that's a cute one.
SPEAKER_01It is, it's really fun.
SPEAKER_02And I assume soup is out of the question.
SPEAKER_01Oh, yeah, no, no, no, and they can still use cups. Yes, they yes, they get to use cups, but yeah, it's again. That's a really fun idea. It is, it's a lot of fun. Wow, it makes cleanup so much easier.
SPEAKER_02I was gonna say, and it's probably fun for you too, because then you don't have to worry about the dishes, like that's always the worst part of every dinner.
SPEAKER_01Nope, just roll up the tablecloth, throw it away, and it's good to go.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, that's I love that idea. What I've been doing, somebody I had spoken with in the past told me that they would do a picnic when dad was at the firehouse. And so my daughter is also like she's four and a half, almost five. And when dad's not here, sometimes what we do is we'll have a picnic, or not necessarily a picnic, but a dinner in her little princess tent in her toy room. Like it's just in the toy room. Oh, but she loves it, it's really uncomfortable. Like I'm hunched over. I have I have my cup outside the tent. There's like barely any room for me, but she loves it, it's exciting and So I don't know, we might try to transition soon so that we can all fit, but do something different, sort of like that. But it's nice to have like some sort of tradition that they love that they look forward to.
SPEAKER_01Yes. And it it helps makes it makes things easier. You know, whether you do it while, you know, while dad's gone or when he comes home, it's it's just it's one of those things where it those little things that other people don't think about are the things that like help you get through. Definitely or help you manage.
SPEAKER_02What has been, in your opinion, the best part of being a firewife?
SPEAKER_01I would say becoming family with the others, you know, at the station. You know, but recently we went and had a little visit at the station and my four-year-old decided, like, oh, I want ice cream. I was like, okay, yeah, we can have ice cream on the way home. And one of the guys there was like, oh no, that's not gonna do. Called for one of the other firefighters to get out the ice cream from the freezer. They came out with nine tubs of ice cream. He one of them was like, Oh, make whipped cream, made homemade whipped cream for her casual. You need the chocolate sauce, let's get the chocolate syrup out. And when I say just the look on her face, I said, you know what, you you messed up because now she's gonna expect that every single time, you know, we come and make a visit, and he was like, Oh, well, you know, that's what uncle, you know, that's what uncle so-and-so is for. And I was like, it becoming family with everyone at the stage. And it may not be everyone, you know, sometimes you just form better bonds with others. To me, that's that's one of the best things, besides being proud of what he does, of what my husband does, you know, like that's that in itself is what's you know, the best thing. You know, like he puts his life at risk, you know, he's putting his life for others, you know, he's risking not coming home to us in order to help other people, and that's um one of those things that it's one of those sad, but I'm so proud of. And what what's the best part? It's a scary part, but it's also the best part. And I will say, one of the best parts is when the guys at the station realize that I cuss like a sailor, and they think I'm just this quiet, nice, innocent looking person. I'm like, yeah, no, you don't know me. Yeah, no idea. And sometimes when the first thing that comes out of my mouth is like, Oh, you talk like that? Like, yep, yep, I grew up. All my friends, most of my friends growing up were all guys, and my cousins who are older than me were like my older brothers, they're all in the Marines, so yeah, this is this is how I talk, this is how I act.
SPEAKER_02One of my proudest moments ever was when I made a joke that I made one of the firefighters blush, and I was like, Yes, that's my favorite.
SPEAKER_01When I'm like, I can embarrass a grown ass man. I know just by what just and just you know, it'll fly off my tongue, yeah, no problem. And the the looks I get, and like, oh, you yeah, like we can go round and round.
SPEAKER_02It's pretty entertaining. I really like that. What do you think on the other side of that coin? What do you think the hardest or worst part has been for you?
SPEAKER_01And it's one of those things we talk about it, and you know, those who understand, understand is technically being a single parent. And everyone's, you know, and everyone's situation is a little bit different. It does seem like the California side gets the gets the worst. Not I don't want to say the worst of it, because uh I don't think you can always compare like that, but you know, from what it seems is we on this side we tend to have less time with our spouses, probably more demanding time-wise, it's and so it seems, and you know, I I've listened the other episodes. I'm like, oh, how lucky, you know, it's like uh I I would love that. So the worst part would definitely be, you know, this single parenting for sure, and explaining to the kids, like, oh sorry, I know dad was supposed to come home, or we were supposed to go on vacation, but change of plans that's the hardest thing I will say, and what used to be the hardest is explaining to friends and family you know, the change of plans that they never understood. But now that's just well, either you get it or you don't, you either understand or you don't, but that's it is what it is. But the hardest part for me is sometimes is being the single parent, the default parent, and explaining again, explaining to the kids or seeing their faces being like, Oh, dad's not coming home, or you know, we get to go see dad, but we gotta turn right back around.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, do you get a lot of that where your friends and family don't understand?
SPEAKER_01At first, at first it was really hard for everybody to understand. And even now, a couple friends who they're like, Oh, well, what do you mean? You know, what do you mean he has to work Thanksgiving? What do you mean he has to work Christmas? I'm like, Well, first responders, it it's not a bank, they don't get to just close, you know, just because it's a holiday. Someone's gotta work, somebody has to put out fires, somebody has to save lives, somebody has to, you know, run medical calls.
SPEAKER_02Um do they think it's like an imaginary group of people who like don't live real life?
SPEAKER_01I that's how it seems, yeah. It's honestly it's how it seems, and you know, it's it got to the point where I was like, Well, I don't need to explain it you know anymore than that's his job, you know, it is what it like that's his job. Should you have to? Yeah.
SPEAKER_02And you're welcome for him doing his job. Yes, right, yeah.
SPEAKER_01So that's yeah, it's not again, it's not so much that I don't really have to explain it anymore. And if I do, I'm just kind of out of the point where I was like, Yeah, that is what do you want me to say? He works, or there's there's no there's no way other way to explain it other than it's his job.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Do you feel like you're not necessarily friends with some of those same people anymore?
SPEAKER_01Yeah. I mean, not as close, I should say. But I mean it's you know, things happen for a reason.
SPEAKER_02Definitely, you know, definitely, right? Good friends would have understood and stuck around.
SPEAKER_01Yeah.
SPEAKER_02Or maybe made more of an effort to keep you included, knowing that you know, like you're still a whole person who might still want to be part of the plan just because he's not around.
SPEAKER_01Yeah. Or the hey, sorry guys, I gotta cancel because he's getting held on, and you know, I don't have anybody to watch the kids because everyone's busy. You know, it's just the last-minute cancellations with friends kind of put some strain on some relationship on friendships, but again, it's one of those things. Well, we're all adults, and if you can't understand that, then yeah, oh well.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. I find that it's not always worth my effort and my my money to get childcare if I'm out by myself. Like, I don't I don't want to pay a babysitter if my husband's working, like that's for what, right? Even if there's a big party, yeah, which maybe defeat maybe is the opposite of what I'm saying as this podcast. Like, I know I'm I'm a whole person, but then to go and hang out with like all of our couple friends and this and that, sometimes I'm not sure it's worth it to have a babysitter that I'm paying 30 bucks an hour to be able to do that for three hours and come home, you know.
SPEAKER_01And though and that it's one of those things where it's if you're a fire, and I'm just saying spouse because you know, whatever's it's not always women, of course. Being a fire spouse, like you understand that though. You understand that yes, you are your own person, but there are those times where it's not it is, it's like it's almost a bigger hassle to go and do things sometimes. Yeah. Um, and it's it again, it's you talking to the people who have zero clue, they're like, Oh, see, well, that's your your you know, your your points and violence. Like, no, if you're on the inside, you understand exactly what that means.
SPEAKER_02Right, right. That's a good way to frame it. Also, I was gonna call the podcast fire spouses, but I just didn't think it had the same ring to it. But I do want to include male spouses, but it's they're hard to come by. Nobody really wants to be on the podcast if they're male.
SPEAKER_01I think it would be fun.
SPEAKER_02I think I think so too. I have one one friend who's a male and he is willing to. We just actually haven't been able to make it work just schedule-wise, but it's a lot harder to find guys who number one. Obviously, so many more male firefighters, right? Yeah, but number two, like the guys don't want to be on the receiving end of these questions. I think it it, you know, they're not good at talking about how they feel about things, generally speaking.
SPEAKER_01I was gonna say they wanna they don't talk about their feelings, they avoid their feelings.
SPEAKER_02That's a classic guy, right? Obviously, not everybody, and we shouldn't stereotype, but it does happen sometimes. Right. So you mentioned that he's gone for actually, does he know you're doing this podcast? Yes, he does. Yeah, what did he say?
SPEAKER_01I'll be taking the kids and cooking dinner for me, so it's really nice.
SPEAKER_02Oh, nice, all right. Well, we can talk for as long as you want if you want a little more time off. You mentioned that he is gone for a long time at a time, right? Or very often. What is something that has happened that you're like, of course, this would happen? And you can't use the same story. I know you said your kids were sick more than they have in five years. So we call this the shift happens segment. Oh man.
SPEAKER_01Well, uh, besides, okay, I'm gonna use going into so I have high-risk pregnancies and they've gotten worse with each pregnancy. So our two daughters that we have together preterm labor risks quite a few times. And it's one of those things. I mean, he I remember him the first time with our with our four-year-old when I was pregnant, like, hey, I'm having contractions, I'm gonna go get checked out. You know, this is so this was his first, his first kid, his first, you know, dealing with the pregnancy and everything. He's a freaking out, and he's you know, telling everybody, I'm like, just just stay at the station. Do not leave. There is no need, just just chill, relax, you're fine. And then end up him showed up without telling me, and I was kind of upset about that. But I mean, there's always something going on. Actually, I will say our house is all electric, and the breaker got tripped one time. I didn't know for the garage. I don't know, I didn't know where the breaker was because apparently there's like two or three different panels that I can go to, and I had zero clue. I don't handle this these things. He handles these things for me because he spoiled me. Like I used to change my oil, I no longer change my own oil in my cars, he does it for me.
SPEAKER_02Oh, that's nice.
SPEAKER_01Um, so I couldn't find the breaker, I didn't know where to go. He was, I don't know if he was on a call or just wasn't answering his phone or on a fight. I don't remember what he was, but he would not answer the phone. And I'm just like freaking out because I needed to get my car out of the garage, couldn't find the panel. I'm calling in to work. I remember just crying and crying and crying until I realized I could lift the little do a little switch thing and lift up the the garage by myself. But by then, I because I couldn't do it, but by then he called me back, told me where it was at. But I mean it there's always there's always something, and I feel like you kind of feel like you're running around with like a chick with your head cut off when things like that happen sometimes. Like, but I will I know you say you can't use this the whole sick kids thing, but those are the moments. I mean you can if you want to, but those are the moments where you know I had to take our four-year-old into the hospital because we thought she was having appendicitis. Between talking to him and then him bringing up hey, you know, to one of his one of the other guys at the station, I was like, hey, you know, four-year-old presenting X, Y, and Z. What what's your take on it? And they're they're they're all appendicitis. Luckily it wasn't, but I had to deal with my our four-year-old screaming in the ER because they had to put an IV in her arm just in case she needed surgery. And I'm over here crying because one, I don't do needles, I don't do blood. Yes, I have tattoos and piercings, but I don't do needles other than that. But I don't do needles, I don't do blood, and I'm over here freaking out. And they're like, Are you okay? And I'm like, No, I have I even have to talk to get get talk through when I get my blood drawn. Like, I I can't watch you or hold down my four-year-old. You you're gonna have to do it.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, figure it out.
SPEAKER_01And you know, under my breath, I'm like cussing at my husband, like, oh, like you need to be here doing this. Like, this is this is for you to be doing. I can't, I can't handle this. But my I guess I would say like mine are just little funny things versus you know, a tree falling in the backyard and you know, like chickens. I'm not sure.
SPEAKER_02I know, I'm not sure things that are huge like that would have made a difference if they were home or not, right? Like a tree that falls in your yard and hits your car or whatever, like that's that's gonna suck regardless, right? But but small things sometimes can be the more the more difficult things. You have a lot of experience with this, you've been in it for a few years, and it sounds like you noticed a big shift in the way things were when you first started versus the way things are now. What would you tell a new a new fire spouse or somebody who's becoming a fire spouse and like how to make that process smoother? Or what advice do you have for them in general?
SPEAKER_01Be patient, very patient, and it's okay to hate the job sometimes. It's okay to hate the job sometimes, but you can't get mad at your spouse. You can be mad at the job, but don't be mad at your spouse, and that's one of those things that you need to learn. And it it's so it seems kind of silly when you say it out loud, but that's that's one of my biggest things is and learn to be alone. Learn that to be alone and to do things for yourself because it's it's not easy, you know. You're you're depending on you know your department and your state, you know, depending on everyone's different, but you need to learn to be alone and you need to learn and you need to be okay with being alone. And when they come home after a hard shift, you don't don't take it personal. Because you know, when you hear about some calls that they've been on, and you know, it's and then they come home and you you know why they're upset, and on the inside, like you have things that you're going through, and you want to talk them out, or it's you need to learn that on those bad calls, you need to be I don't know how well I don't know how I'm trying to say it, but when you know that they've gone through some bad calls on their shift, not that you have to completely put everything, all of your feelings aside, but put them on the back burner for just a little bit because sometimes they need time to recover, especially you know, if it involves a child, you know, those are definitely the hardest on them, and you know, I those calls will never get easier for them, you know. They can say that, oh yeah, you know, it it hardens them, and which it does for sure, but you just don't take the silence personal and again just be supportive. Be supportive.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Yeah. I mean, that's all really good advice. I think things that I've been hearing from a lot of people is similarly, right? Like when they first come home, take a minute, give him a minute, let him decompress, right? But do you ever wonder if maybe maybe if they could figure out a way to kind of not to minimize what they're going through? I don't mean that. But do you think that if they could ever maybe get a therapist or talk to somebody, right? Would that maybe help this whole process? Like maybe the spouse doesn't have to put their feelings on the back burner every time. I'm not again, I'm not minimizing because they see traumatic things that we don't see, right? Like I I could never put myself in those shoes. Oh no, no, but it adds up, right? And what shouldn't be traumatic every time might then turn into every time they come home, they're in a bad mood. And that's not fair to the spouse.
SPEAKER_01I think that's why no, it's not fair, and I think I do feel like mental health in the first responder job life shouldn't be so shouldn't be seen as weak, like they like to say sometimes, right? Um, you know, like the dark humor, sure, but that's only gonna get you so far. That only does so much healing for you. And I know they don't always want to come home and talk about what they went through and what they saw because they don't want to put that burden on us. And as much as I respect that, I also hate it sometimes because even though I may not want to hear about it, there have been times where I've had to talk through some pretty tough calls. And you know, they especially, you know, freshly postpartum and when it deals, you know, when the age, when the ages come around, you know, the same as your kids, it's really hard to deal with for sure. I just I think mental health needs to be prioritized in first with with the first responders. And I think it would help a lot of relationships. And you're right, but we shouldn't always have to put our feelings on the back burner, but there are times where like sometimes you might have to just because of you know whatever's going on. Yeah, of course. You shouldn't always have to do that, and that was probably like the a bad way to say, you know, putting your feelings on a back burner.
SPEAKER_02No, no, no, no, no. I wasn't, I didn't mean it directly at what you were saying. I just it's just a pattern I've seen where you know all the spouses feel like they have to maybe I don't know, maybe I'm framing it in the wrong way, but it's it's pretty common to think, let me give him a minute, let me give him a few hours to settle himself, right? And that's okay. That's really okay. And and of course that can be helpful, but I just think it it's cumulative, right? If we're going every every year, we're building all these traumatic events every single year and we're never dealing with them. At some point, it's it's it's a pressure cooker, it's gonna explode. You know, and I do yeah, yeah, I think I think they need to mandate for mental health. I I mean, yes, maybe I'm maybe I'm a little too too loosey-goosey with that, but but every I mean, can you imagine doing their job and not talking to somebody about it?
SPEAKER_01No, because I mean there's times where you know, and not there's, you know, you can't compare, you know, everyone's jobs are different. You can't really compare this to that, but you know, there's times in there's situations in my job where I'm like, oh my gosh, if I wasn't able to talk about, you know, kind of roundabout, you know, not full details of everything that that's happened in the situation, but talk about what I went through today, and you know, it it would it would take a toll on me, you know, and I don't deal with first responder trauma.
SPEAKER_02Right.
SPEAKER_01You know, and so I I couldn't imagine not, you know, years and years and years of of seeing trauma and not being able to talk about it or not talking about it at all or just making you know, typical dark humor jokes about it. And it's just again that only does so much.
SPEAKER_02You can only you can only get you so far.
SPEAKER_01You can only suppress those emotions so much before, you know, before they start to change you as a person or change them as a person.
SPEAKER_02Yeah. Exactly. You said it perfectly, right? Like now they're now they're gonna turn into somebody who they are not because they're trying their best to suppress everything. And by no means am I talking about my husband. While I do think everybody should see a therapist and that's regardless. This isn't me saying anything specific about a particular person. I just, you know, he was just tell my husband was just telling me he was listening to a podcast. He loves this podcast called Cleared Hot. And the podcaster, the host, I guess, I don't know what are they called, he is ex-military or retired military, I guess. And he was interviewing a retired police officer who was talking about how he he had a he wrote a book, this police officer wrote a book because he had a plan at midnight to kill himself after after these awful awful calls. And the book was called something like countdown to midnight or something. And then he didn't do it of course I obviously because he's now talking about it on podcast. But I just it just made me and he was and my husband was telling me what the calls were that really triggered him to do this. And it just made me think like why is he not seeing somebody before all this happened and and it's because one thing leads to another and then it's too late because then you'd be like it's just the life we live like what am I even going to talk about? Yep. Right?
SPEAKER_01I don't I just think it's or I will say there sometimes they pull a note wall it's my job. Well yeah it's your job but it's also okay to talk about it and you need to talk about it and process what you just saw or what you know what happened or else you know it's just gonna eat at you and you know you can only process so much by yourself.
SPEAKER_02Right. Right. I would almost argue one step further that they become so accustomed to it and it becomes so routine for them that like I almost feel like now how can I say it Robbie's not my therapist by any means. He would be a terrible therapist but he would just tell you to rub some dirt in it and move on. But but with that said like I I feel like maybe what seems like trauma quote unquote to me or difficult for me is so different from what real trauma is that that he can just hear what I'm saying.
SPEAKER_01And so I lay it all out for him but but then but then who does he go to yep you know yeah like they can take it but they have to be able to I don't know let it out somehow they they do and I think and I don't this you know and it goes like the whole stigma behind well if you're gonna be a first responder you need to be able to deal with these things or you need to be you know you need to become this like hardened shell of you know who you used to be and I don't think that that's the right way to go about it or like the right way to think about it. And it's one of those like oh I'm a macho man I you know I I don't talk about my feelings and it's one of those well you have them so you need to talk about them because you're a human being. You don't have to cry about it but at least talk to somebody about it. And if it's just sitting there talking to a therapist making your dark humor jokes about it and getting it out on a different level than with your coworkers then that's what you need.
SPEAKER_02Right right and their coworkers probably deflect a little bit too because they're also experiencing the same things so they can they can only deal with so much.
SPEAKER_01Yeah yeah what else would you want me to talk about what uh what other questions or things would you wish that I would have mentioned I don't know I feel like you do a really good job of covering everything and even when like conversations kind of take like a little side turn or little detour because that's what my brain does is that's what everybody does.
SPEAKER_02If you ever think of something like shoot me a message I would love I I don't want these episodes to become stale I don't want people to start feeling like because I I do cover the same like five or so questions right but obviously like the the conversation is about each person in their life story.
SPEAKER_01But there's a theme and I just don't want people who are listening to be like okay how many times can we hear about the best part and the worst part you know so if you ever think of anything let me know yeah no but I feel like that's that's kind of the point and it's for me it's I'm gonna take it back to where when my husband promoted to engineer we had this thing that they put on they were doing their practice for how they had to go their go through their march and all the fun stuff. And so us spouses we got together and they went over like a lot of HR stuff you know they had to make it informative but we also took the time and kind of like talked about our lives a little bit and one of the things and I think I got really emotional because in this job like you you always feel like you're alone even though you know there are other fire spouses and you may not even you know whether you talk to some or not you feel like you're alone and when you get together in this group of you know fire spouses and you know they're talking about these little things kind of you know kind of like what you do but it was in a different in a different a little bit different it was it was you know what do you what are you hoping to gain from this they called it an orientation. What do you hope to gain from this orientation and a lot of us were you know we said it before and then what we did it after like what what did you get from this thing and almost everybody said that I'm not alone in this as much as I feel that I'm alone I am not alone and it's kind of hard to remember that sometimes you know especially like if you don't you know every again everyone's stations are a little bit different and the relationships you form like are it sounds like you guys like have all these like parties and get togethers not like that but like you guys get to have get togethers with all the spouses and everything we don't get to do that. The only time we get to meet other spouses is if you know they're on a 24 down and we get to go visit for the day and we may meet another spouse or if we're at the station if we do get to go visit the station and you know somebody else has their wife and kids there then you kind of get to meet them but you don't really get to form too many at least in in my case we don't I don't really get to get to form any friendships or relationships with other fire spouses and so yeah it's really it's kind of hard to deal with sometimes because it does you know because I I'm alone in in the end like I'm I'm alone I do have I do actually have a friend now one of the firewives for sure but it's I've and before I found the podcast and your page and everything I had thought about what can I do to form like a Fire spouse like convention you know local and just get everybody together and be like okay it doesn't matter what department it is whether it's city or state or county or you know why you know whatever it is you just let's get together have you know I don't know I I'm not good at organizing things I am but I'm not but just let's just all get together and you know form a bond a sisterhood or you know whatever you want to call it and it's I don't know that's one of those things where it's I think I'm on a mission now is find those like local or you know get the support of hey this is your local group now do something together whether it's called why do you feel I'm sorry to interrupt you why do you feel like you can't be friends with the spouses from your husband's department well a lot most of the time they're the firefighters themselves are a lot younger are younger you know and a lot of them are single you know typically and so that definitely it makes it harder and you know it's you don't we don't really get to form the when we get to go to the station it's these like random hey caps then you can come to visit the station or you know come together for an hour so not you know we don't always have the opportunity to have like the other wives there at the same time not everybody's schedules can line up and you know we don't do parties or you know we don't get Christmas I shouldn't say it like that but you know we don't have Christmas like Christmas together. We don't wow that's just not a thing here and I kind of wish it was or wish there was some sort of something that could be done but that's just over here it's just not the reality of things.
SPEAKER_02It's such a bummer because I would argue you need that even more right because your spouses are gone for so long at a time and so often yeah no it's one of those it's kind of it's like and like I know it's one of those I envy I guess the East Coast because it it seems like you guys get to form these bonds and I'm a little jealous it's like oh okay over here in you know in California it's every spouse for themselves almost don't let it be do something make it make it happen make it happen you love the chaos right so be chaotic and and send out a blast and say hey like I'm gonna be here this date and time whoever wants to come come we're gonna do this once a month it would be I should I just the anxiety of it I get anxiety over it it's something I want to do but I think it's I think it's needed because it does seem like California does not get a lot of support yeah and again I would I would yet again say it you I think you might need it more than we do over here like I'm not saying you know you what is that term like it's not you can't compare like it's not relative trauma or whatever. Right. But but it sounds like your fires are a little more demanding than ours here. At least then than my husband's department. I can't speak for any other department.
unknownRight.
SPEAKER_01And that's one of those things where too like you can't you can't compare you know every department or state or every everyone's a little bit different. Everyone's different right now and we have our own we all have our own chaos but yeah I feel like it's I don't know we get we need a little bit more love on this side a little bit more togetherness.
SPEAKER_02Yeah so so are you saying that the captain has to say you can come by for an hour like you need permission yeah so we can't just drop in and why it's just not how things are done.
SPEAKER_01Wow yeah I'm there all the time yeah no we can't just pop in and be like hey I brought you dessert for after dinner and then leave like we yeah we have to have permission and there's been times where we were on our way to the station and it's like got toned out of county turn back around and go back home.
SPEAKER_02Well that part I understand right like they get a call they get a call is what it is but but to not be able to stop by with dessert like it's not like you're asking them to cook for you or whatever. You're just that's nuts.
SPEAKER_01Yeah we have yeah you have to have permission and they have like after like a downtime that it's okay to go you know after after a certain time and so do you message your husband and he has to ask like is today a good day for her to come by I never ask so I guess I'm we don't like to the whole don't overstay your welcome I would never want to be like again it's so different on this side it's it's not entirely family oriented but I'm not saying but it's not that it also isn't because you will get captains that are like family comes first. Yeah it's we never necessarily like ask it's more so like on special occasions like hey I've been gone for the last three weeks can my wife and kids come and you know say hi or hey you know it's Thanksgiving you know since I've been working so many days can't you know can they come by for a little bit and we never stay for very long that's insane Megan that's crazy.
SPEAKER_02Like every time I'm driving by the firehouse near the firehouse and I think it's a pain because it's like 45 minutes away from me. So I'm like I'm not gonna go all the time but I'm still there like at least once a month like I know I know the chief I know everybody who's at the at the station and if I get there and they get a call like that's just bad luck but like I'll surprise my husband yeah I don't I don't do that as often I won't lie because I don't want to drive 45 minutes. If he's on the ambulance if I know he's on the ambulance I'm not going because he's just gonna get called out every five minutes but that's crazy and that's not fair to you.
SPEAKER_01That's not fair.
SPEAKER_02It's rough you know like I said it's it's we it's one we live in different worlds very much so in that regard I would love to be able to just like hey you know stop by for five minutes because I brought dessert and then like yeah and like have your kid like run around for a few minutes in the in the the what is it called the garage bay yeah that's crazy. I'm sorry that that's your experience that sucks I feel like that takes away from the family piece right like being on the fire department is supposed to be a family it's a family career in in that way. It it is it anyway we will get the captains that are you know that are you know hey family comes first family comes first and it's not to say that they don't always feel that way that they're that they're always like no you can't come by but that's the thing is you know we have certain hours that we can you know visiting hours I guess so to say yeah you know and but I will it is family when we go though it is definitely family all of you know everyone's uncle everyone wants to be uncle this uncle that uncle you know call me you know or whatever other nickname they decide they want to be called you know and that's definitely you know what I I will stand on that the it's it's family oriented but if it's also not fully family oriented just show up you know it's kind of sucks but I mean yeah it is what it is maybe things will change in the next couple years yeah never know maybe you'll do something maybe you'll start something I'm just saying do it I I hope that the podcast has brought you some sort of sense of as you said like you are not alone and I hate that that's the experience that you have that really stinks but you're not alone even though I'm I'm I'm so I'm so far away from you but like I see you right this is this isn't should you shouldn't feel like you are alone yeah it's that's hard but you know it it's again it's fighting this podcast it was kind of like the you know and again a spouse's orientation I'm not alone I'm not alone you know even though you feel like you I'm not alone yeah and I do think I will stick to my thing that I've been wanting to do for the last six months to a year of getting something together or some sort of support group together I guess you should start a podcast I've thought about it but it I will say it is it's one of those things where it's we do need more support over here.
SPEAKER_01Definitely and I don't want to say start a revolution but but that's kind of how it feels sometimes raise a little you know you don't want to get anybody in trouble but it's you know listening to the other women from you know from California and it's like wow yeah it's not just my area it's not just Calfire it's it's California that you know that's a little chaotic and again a little bit jealous of the east coast that's so Calfire is not just short for California fire I believe so to be honest oh okay I thought sorry I misunderstood what you're saying Calfire is like the state so like state wise yeah and then then you have the cities and counties and everyone's like different but Calfire is its own entity I guess the only way to describe it like he so my husband just because he works for Calfire he cannot go and work for the city and he cannot go work for the county interesting interesting okay I did not know this so Calfire is its own separate okay and what do they do?
SPEAKER_02Because like if towns have their own fire department why is why does the state have its own fire department?
SPEAKER_01So it's I guess more like extra support and then they go like all up and down the state. So he can be like at his station and then they need help up in Reading or you know on the border by Oregon or all the way down in San Diego and you know by the by the border in Mexico and if they need the Cali Fire support there they'll send them down there. So anywhere up and down the state of California they go. Interesting okay all right so he's like the FEMA of California Fire Yeah in a way yeah and I mean like they still run their medical calls you know they still they still run you know accidents they they run all of that but Cal Fire's biggest thing is when they need the strike teams to go put out these big fires that are up in the hills that's who they send out unless the feds have it in the forestry and they have that then they have they have different lines where like the Fed fire takes over certain areas it's it it gets really technical and I'm still learning you know seven years in and I'm you know seven years into the of him doing this I'm like wait what does that mean right right right wow well thank you for enlightening me I did not know this it is and it doesn't seem to be different everywhere which is I mean about it's nice it's nice it and it's nice to learn about other people's experiences. Yeah definitely yeah well my final question for you any book podcast show recommendations doesn't have to be about fire or the fire life just kind of what is your what's your cup of tea oh my goodness so when I was pregnant with my last and she's our last with my last baby I was watching this show called Call the Midwife I loved it there were a few episodes where I was like okay it could have got a little boring for a little bit but then it jumped right back into being like the chaos and I know for some people it's kind of like repetitive because it's kind of the same thing that goes on but I loved it and I actually had thought about rewatching the entire series all over again because I really enjoyed it I guess I like finding not so popular shows to watch like that's just I don't know that's kind of my thing like I don't I don't want to watch you know the show that everyone's watching I want something that only some people know about so that I can go and brag about like hey guess what I watched good for you how many seasons is it it's a lot a lot yeah a lot if well I don't know there were there were a lot that's great well if there's nothing else I just want to say thank you for being on I think this has been lovely and I've learned a lot and I hope this gives you another reason to do something that you've been wanting to do and start something up oh yeah definitely some inspiration for sure awesome thank you so much thank you bye take care thank you so much for listening I hope you enjoyed being here as much as I did if you have any questions for me or if you'd like to be interviewed please reach out at the firewives podcast at gmail.com you can also follow me on Instagram and Facebook tune in next week for the next episode of Firewives