Autism Diagnosis Story: The Day Everything Changed

00:00 – The Day Everything Changed

Steve and Cheryl share the deeply personal story of the autism diagnosis that changed their family forever.

05:00 – The Early Signs

What they noticed before the diagnosis — and the subtle indicators that something wasn’t quite right.

10:00 – Keeping It Inside

The internal struggle, fear, and hesitation to voice concerns out loud.

15:00 – “Have You Heard of Autism Spectrum Disorder?”

The doctor’s words that marked a turning point — and the shock that followed.

20:00 – Processing the Diagnosis

The emotional impact of hearing the word “autism” and what that meant for their future.

25:00 – Every Autism Journey Is Different

Why comparison is dangerous — and how understanding the spectrum changed their perspective.

30:00 – Public Misunderstanding & Judgment

Facing outside criticism and the emotional strength required to protect your child.

35:00 – The Decision That Changed Everything

A critical choice that shaped Harry’s long-term development and outcome.

40:00 – Legal Guardianship & Future Planning

Why long-term planning matters — and how guardianship plays a role in protecting your child.

45:00 – Growing as Parents

How the journey reshaped them as individuals and strengthened their resolve.

50:00 – Lessons for Other Parents

What they would tell families walking through a new diagnosis today.

55:00 – A Difficult Journey — With Hope

Reflection, resilience, and encouragement for parents navigating autism.

In Episode 4 of Remarkable Futures, Stephen and Cheryl Norton share the story of the day everything changed — the day they received their child’s autism diagnosis.

They open up about the emotions, uncertainty, and pivotal decisions that followed, offering insight into what families experience in those early stages of special needs parenting.

This episode explores:
 • Processing a new autism diagnosis
 • Navigating fear and uncertainty
 • The importance of early planning
 • Finding strength as a family
 • Taking the first steps toward a secure future

For parents, caregivers, and professionals working with special needs families, this conversation offers honesty, clarity, and encouragement.

Because while a diagnosis changes everything, it can also become the beginning of a remarkable future.

About Remarkable Futures
The Remarkable Futures Podcast is designed to help families make informed decisions about special needs planning, financial security, and long-term care.

🎯 Start planning with confidence:
AblePlanning.com

📺 Watch and subscribe on YouTube:
@AblePlanning-u9j

📩 Have questions or need guidance? Reach out:
https://ableplanning.com/contact/

Transcript

SPEAKER_04 0:00

Have you heard of Autism Spectrum Disorder? I heard glass chattering. It just made it real when he said that. I kind of heard all I needed to hear when he said, Have you ever heard of autism spectrum? And for me, uh it was just the other two had dropped. I just told her I said he's not gonna be like other little boys.

SPEAKER_00 0:27

Planning for a loved one with special needs takes clarity and the right strategy. Remarkable Futures brings practical conversations and expert insight to help families protect benefits, build stability, and move forward with confidence.

SPEAKER_01 0:43

Hi, I'm Steve Norton, the host of the Remarkable Futures podcast. And today I have a very special guest with me, uh, my beautiful bride, Cheryl Norton. Uh it's gonna be a little personal on this podcast today. Uh, we're gonna share our backstory a bit, uh, talk about the issues that we've uh faced with uh our son Harry, who has uh autism and intellectual disabilities. Uh, we're also gonna talk a little bit about um how we've uh tried to um provide a good uh foundation for his sisters as well. Um they're going to pay play an important part of his life um after we're gone, so that we'll talk about that too. Um so without further ado, my beautiful bride Cheryl Norton. So I thought um why don't we start at the beginning? So tell me um about the night we met from your perspective.

SPEAKER_04 1:45

My perspective? Oh, well, a friend of mine was hosting a Halloween party at her brother's apartment and in the town I grew up in, Milford, and wasn't really sure I even wanted to go, but I did. And my friend's boyfriend um had a roommate named Steve, and he was going to be there and on a Halloween at a Halloween party. And it was a black and orange party. You had to wear either black or orange, and it's a good thing you weren't wearing orange because that would have been a hard no.

SPEAKER_03 2:30

I don't like orange.

SPEAKER_01 2:31

Yes. Um, from my perspective, same sort of thing. I actually um tried to weasel my way out of attending this Halloween party because I had received another invitation to go to a Halloween party uh in West Hartford that had I had been hearing about for years that was hosted by uh two young ladies who just dressed up as Elvira's, and I was kind of wanting to see that. But um competing with Elvira's so uh but Rob held me to it, um, Rob, my roommate, and said, You've gotta come. There's a girl I want you to meet. And um he was right. And I remember being at the party and um sitting with you on a couch and talking, and then all of a sudden I it just dawned on us because we look around and there's nobody else there, because everybody else had left to go to a uh seven seas a far down the street, and we were uh just so entwined in our conversation. It just uh I kind of ignored everybody else, and and I kind of ignored everybody else since in terms of other females, but it was a it was a special night.

SPEAKER_04 3:48

So so fast forward, we get our first place, we decide to have kids, and three children in three years, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 4:01

So um child number one, wonderful, cute Tessa, redhead, fireball. Um, child number two, ever-energetic Sunshine girl, sunshine girl, Abby, who happens to live in California now, uh, so she's in her native climate. Um and then the boy, number three. So wonderful experiences having them all. Um, I can't think of anything more um more more just beautiful and and lovely that that happened in my life, other you know, outside of meeting you, of course, are children. Um but things progressed, and at a certain point uh we realized that Harry had issues. And um your background in education, I think, was very helpful with that. Um for our podcast viewers. Uh Cheryl has a master's in elementary ed, um, was a teacher for a number of years, and also uh uh finished her career as the managing editor uh at Weekly Reader of the Pre-K edition. So um anyway, enough about the background. Um so what were the the tells that you remember that something wasn't quite going the way it should with Harry?

SPEAKER_04 5:38

Oh he didn't babble. He he didn't he didn't look at me. Um he loved to be cuddled, but he wasn't responding to my voice and looking at me when I spoke to him. And I mean he was, you know, this is when he was a baby, of course. And this isn't my first rodeo. I have a brother with autism, uh uh he's 56 years old. Um we are two years apart, I'm two years older than him, and I have very clear memories of what it was like growing up with him. And then, of course, with my background in education, I also know uh some of the early education uh signs of children were on the spectrum. And I having had two other children and knowing what the milestones were that they should be uh achieving at certain months, uh I knew something was off. And um when I'd put him to bed at night, I would say my little prayers to him, and one of them was please don't have autism. Just just just please, honey, please don't have autism. And everybody around me who also picked up on the fact that he wasn't babbling and he wasn't interacting the way you would expect a baby who was six, eight, ten months old to be interacting. They would say, Oh, Cheryl, he's just a boy, and boys develop later and slower than girls do. You've had two girls, you can't expect the same from a boy. And I remember thinking, I didn't say this to people, of course, but I I wanted to say, stop placating me. You know, I'm his mother. I of course I know. You know, you think you're soothing me, you're just placating me. That's what I would think to myself. I would never say that to somebody out loud. Um and it was kind of hard with Harry because my sister and I were pregnant at the same time. Um, so our niece is exactly seven weeks younger than Harry. And she was hitting all her milestones, if not on time, early. Um cute little thing. She's she's such a tiny little thing walking at about 10 months old. So, I mean, here she was ahead of the curve. And I adore my niece. She she's a wonderful young lady now, uh, and and she was an adorable child. But I was so jealous, and it was very hard uh to be with our extended family and have these two very young toddlers, one on time or ahead of the game in terms of um developing. And Harry wasn't. Um Harry was very much behind. And it it was it was very obvious to my mother. Um, I think she knew early on. And even with you, I mean, I I wanted to tell you, you know, um. But at the same time, I didn't want to hurt you. But, you know, given that I am the one who grew up with autism in my household, in my family, and you hadn't um, I was kind of afraid uh of telling you what I thought uh was going on with Harry, and uh horrifying you, shocking you, hurting you. So I kind of kept it to myself.

SPEAKER_01 10:42

Oh, I didn't know you did that until now. So um I guess thank you for for trying to protect me, but don't keep things from me.

SPEAKER_04 10:56

Um there was also no good way to go about telling you either.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 11:00

So so And I'm not a neurologist. It was just what I was thinking.

SPEAKER_01 11:08

Well, speaking of neurologists, um, you know, I I think part of what I thought with Harry in the beginning is I was hyperactive as a kid. I was a a train wreck up until like third or fourth grade. Um, you know, I would throw rocks at other kids. I was just I was in fights all the time. Um so I was concerned that maybe that was his issues, that he had the heredity, um, that he had my hyperactivity, but um, you know, it became clear there was something else going on. Um, so we did eventually go to a neurologist. We also had his hearing tests tested. Um, I think that I think the hearing was first, because we thought maybe he's just not hearing us and his hearing was fine. Uh, and then we uh saw saw a neurologist that um was on the money with his diagnosis but had horrible bedside manner in terms of the delivery. Um and I I think back as well on um your journey in terms of um your vision and having um and you you have Stargardt syndrome, which is uh, you know, you're legally blind but have uh peripheral vision, so you you see, but you don't, you know, by the definition, you're legally blind, can't drive those types of things. But you also went through a process of going to several different ophthalmologists and eye doctors that um uh told you that you were um faking it or you know insubordinate. Yeah, insubordinate.

SPEAKER_04 12:58

You and I was thinking about Friday night's date instead of paying attention to the letters on the chart and reading them, and I was wasting the doctor's time and that he was gonna have something to say to my mother, who was also his patient.

unknown 13:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:14

So it was you were you know, just by not concentrating enough, apparently you weren't seeing.

SPEAKER_04 13:20

So um, but I I I but it was only 20 years old, and for a 20-year-old to have perfectly fine vision, and then all of a sudden to not be able to see, you know, the two letters under the big E on the chart, that's a little alarming.

SPEAKER_01 13:39

So in your journey, you eventually go to the Boston Eye Institute and they tell you what what you have. Um and I, you know, I guess it is what it is, and you dealt with it, and you know, me or to me you're a rock star because I don't even think about it every day. Um, because it it it just you know, they're minor things that come up where you don't see something, but you know, we'll go to a restaurant and the lighting will be too dark for you to see a uh a menu with a magnifier. But getting back to junior, um in that appointment with that neurologist is probably one of the hardest memories I personally have, um, because it was a confirmation he was correct, and Harry was was he even three? I don't think he had even turned three yet.

SPEAKER_02 14:38

Right.

SPEAKER_01 14:39

Uh yet. Yeah. Um so I I know my view of that day, but what was your view? A confirmation of your fears?

SPEAKER_04 14:51

Wow. Um, that one's kind of seared into my memory. Um, my f our friend across the street was watching the girls, so it was just us and Harry who went to the doctor. And uh I I just remember being in that room with the doctor and you and Harry, and Harry was uh exploring the room for lack of a better word. He wasn't really playing, but you know, he was over where the toys were. And the doctor said, Have you heard of autism spectrum disorder? And um in that moment, and this is all because of anxiety, I can fully acknowledge that, um, but in that moment I heard glass shattering like right around my ears. That that screechy sound of glass shattering. And then um it like the sound of the doctor's voice became kind of muffled, almost like he was talking to me underwater, kind of muffled, distorted sound. Um so I could still hear his voice and I I could hear you just kind of going, mm-hmm, mm-hmm in response, and I wasn't saying anything. Um it it just it just made it real when he said that. Because uh despite my my suspicions, uh, until you heard it from an expert, I could always say, Yeah, but I'm not a neurologist, I could be wrong. There there was still that hope that my inclinations were off. Um I don't really remember what else the doctor said. I kind of heard all I needed to hear when he said, Have you ever heard of autism spectrum? And I I remember scooping up our baby and leaving the doctor's office. And um the receptionist, who I'm sure had been through this scenario many times before, she just looked at my face and said, I'm so sorry. And I didn't say anything to her. I I I think I nodded, but I I I didn't say anything. So we went out to the car, and um we were driving home, and you were talking about, well, we're gonna get a second opinion, and we're gonna go to specialists, and and I'm gonna call this person and that person who I know, and they can refer us, and we're gonna look into this therapy, and uh you were very proactive, like, okay, we're not gonna take this line down, we're gonna we're gonna explore this further. And for me, I it was just the other shoe had dropped. You know, and um and I think that was the only moment that I felt sorry for myself because uh you know I've lived this life before. Um as a sister and as a daughter of parents who um were struggling because it was the 1970s and it was a very different time. Um people really nobody had heard of autism. I mean, unless you worked in the field, no one had heard of it. And uh it was just a very different time. And I remember um it was summertime and the windows were a little open, but I was kind of like huddled up against the passenger side door, and I don't even know if I said it out loud too much, but I I just was mumbling or or whispering, I should say, I can't do this again. I I just can't do this again. And um I'm not really one to feel sorry for myself because I don't think of it as a good coding skill. You know, you kind of push through. Like you know you you have two choices. You can curl up in a ball in the corner of the room and feel sorry for yourself, or you could get your shit together and take care of your family. And we got back home, and you know, the girls were little, and you know, hi mommy, hi daddy, you know, they were all excited, and and I just like s snapped back into it, like, you know, okay, we're home. You know, the girls need baths, and you know, gotta get ready for tomorrow, and and I'm not saying that I I haven't had hard days since, but but I I resolutely believe that you know, wallowing is just worthless.

SPEAKER_01 21:14

Well, it's um that day for me, first of all, um this is one of one of your strengths is you have such better specific memories of everything. I forget the details, you remember all the details, which is just like you're my instant recall button if I need help with something that we experienced together. And um, you know, I my takeaway from that day was more emotional in the sense of that was where my memories fall in. But I also um I frankly went into denial mode. Um I uh I didn't want to believe the doctor. I thought he was full of it. Um, I I just was not convinced. But at the same time, I took it in as if this is the situation, if this is the diagnosis, I want to be all over it. I want to, as he s you said, like get him every possible therapy known to mankind and those that aren't known to mankind at that point. And um I should say humankind to be more politically correct and accurate. Um, but it's it was frustrating because there's not a cure. Um and you know, I've I've come over time to realize that Harry is special and he doesn't need to be cured. In fact, some of his autism traits are what makes him a unique and genuine person. Um so I think um, you know, part of the journey is uh a mourning process, which nobody died, but the there was a death of normalcy. There was the thought of, you know, this kid is not likely gonna drive. He not because he's not physically capable, but he probably would just be overstimulated, and the thought of him behind the wheel would scare the living daylights out of me uh uh at this point. Um he's not gonna have those normal things that you would expect as he grew up. But at the same time, um there's so many wonderful things that we've experienced with him. Um so uh I guess I'll touch on that in a little bit. We can talk about that, but um I also want to kind of talk about the battles we've had to fight. Well, and and which ones to to fight and which ones not to fight.

SPEAKER_04 24:00

And well, one thing I wanted to say about the whole morning thing.

SPEAKER_01 24:04

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 24:05

Um the next day, you know, the girls were, you know, Tessa was in kindergarten and Abby was in preschool, so they were both off at their programs, and I put the baby down for a nap, and I was sitting outside on the front porch, and our friend Nancy came over uh from across the street, and she sat with me, and I just told her, I said, he's not gonna be like other little boys, and she said to me, No, he's not, but he will be hairy, and that will be enough, and that is always stuck with me because as the expression goes, if you know one child with autism, or one person with autism, you know one person with autism. You don't know everybody, you don't know um everything there is to know about someone on the spectrum. I mean, the spectrum, as it as indicates, it's a wide range of abilities, and uh no two people with autism are the same.

SPEAKER_01 25:25

And I think that in that there lies some emotional um minefields in that um we you know as human beings, I think naturally we compare. And you know, there are um kids with Asperger's that um we have you know uh um I know several instances of of children with Asperger's that are are now successful adults, and that's on the spectrum. And then there are kids with autism with that are completely nonverbal, um like my brother, and um, and and not social at all, um, and and it's everything in between. So you're constantly going back and forth, I think, sometimes emotionally, um, and I've really tried to concentrate not to be this way, but you think, oh, you know, look at Johnny in comparison that John to Harry, Johnny has autism, and Johnny's going to college, and then you have Susie or Fred that um you know is is in an institution because the the care that they need is so intense. And um I I I still grapple with that.

SPEAKER_04 26:58

I don't know if you grapple with that, but I think as parents, uh, we tend to do that with all of our children. Um but it uh you know it it's not productive. We all know that. I think parents with with children who do not have special needs, you know, I think it's instinctive, like, oh, you know, Johnny, if you will, you know, is taking AP chemistry next year. My daughter, well, you know, we're muddling through college prep, Ken. So I think sometimes, you know, as parents, our mind goes there, but logically speaking, we all know that's not a good use of our time.

SPEAKER_01 27:49

Yeah. So uh speaking of good uses of our time, um, you know, there there are moments where um I will see that we're out together and um someone will say to you, um, why don't you just get a pair of glasses when they see you struggling to read something? And sometimes, depending on your mood on the day, you may fire back at them and and you know, kind of um cut that down pretty quickly. And there are other days that you just roll with it. And um if I would love your perspective again on uh and sort of where you feel with Harry, which battles were worth fighting, which ones were not worth fighting. And when I say mean battles, it's with like the rest of the world, because of course we want to defend Harry against everything.

SPEAKER_04 28:52

So yeah, um like any battle, it depends on the circumstances at the given moment. Um one story when we were coming back from Disney, and it was it was right after the whole underwear bomber.

SPEAKER_01 29:12

No, the shoe bomber. Was it the shoe bomber? The shoe bomber, because we had to take our shoes off. I know, but the all of the Yeah, the underwear bomber was before that, I believe, but um same thing.

SPEAKER_04 29:22

But security was just, you know, at its peak. And so anyway, we're having to go through the scanner, and they seem to pick on men more than anybody else. So they had taken you off to the side, and we're gonna pat you down, and I'm trying to mind three children. And Harry saw something that interested him, God only knows what it was, but he bolted. So I told the girls, stay with daddy, and I tore off after him. And I yelled at this complete stranger, stop my baby. And he did. This, you know, six and a half foot tall man held on to our little boy and was looking around, like, oh god, am I gonna get in trouble for this? And I thanked him profusely, and I scooped him up, and I brought him back over to um uh airport security, and there was a 20-something woman. And she looks at me, you know, clearly doesn't have any children of her own, looks at me like she just knows everything and says, You need to keep a better eye on him. And I looked at her and I said, I'm trying the best I can. And I just started sobbing right then in the moment. And it's kind of a constant thing. People who mean well but have this much information and think that they should they are the position and not only can but should advise you on what you should be doing better. Uh it's a constant thing.

SPEAKER_01 31:18

I I remember that moment very vividly because um I was on the other side of the security line. I had gone through the detector and I was, you know, basically putting my shoes back on, my belt back on, and Harry was on the other side, and I was bolting to get back to the other side. And the TSA people, like three of them, jumped in front of me and threatened to arrest me for trying to go over the line. Yeah. And it was, and I also think of it partly because Harry um would get home from his his schooling and would take his shoes off when he got in the house. And suddenly, when we had left for that trip, we went through security with our shoes on. And then when we were coming back, it was the day after the shoe bomber, and we were all having to take our shoes off. So I'm thinking, I don't know if what triggered him to go start running around, I think was partly because he would get into the house, take his shoes off, and that was meant, you know, I can go nuts now and run around the house. And uh anyway, yeah, that was uh quite the moment. Um so um let's talk about us a little bit, and um this gets to something that I run into in talking with families uh dealing with special needs children. And I find uh not only that I know the statistics, and the statistics are that um the divorce rate among families with a special needs child, and particularly autism, is about double what it is the norm. Um, and I meet with a lot of single parents um because of that, that are um, you know, for whatever reason the primary caregiver of their special needs child. Um and I don't know that there's a way to really even articulate what has led us to have strength in our marriage. Um, but maybe if you could talk about that a little bit, um, because it it's it's not easy.

SPEAKER_02 33:35

No.

SPEAKER_01 33:36

And yet, you know, I personally think of, oh my god, I how could I do this without you?

SPEAKER_04 33:43

Well, I always thought of us as a team in terms of parenting. Uh I thought that way before Harry was even born, just you know, when it was first just one child and then two. Uh I think we weren't run relay pretty well. Uh when one of us is topping out, the other one takes over for a bit. Uh so I think that's part of it. Um I never really thought of it in terms of, well, I have a harder job than you. Uh I've never thought of it in that way. I think we had when the when the children were much younger, I just thought of it as very different, demanding roles. Um but as where you could step in and take care of the children, I couldn't step in and run a financial advisory office. So I did think that you had the harder job of the two of us.

SPEAKER_01 34:45

Of course, I think the opposite, because I uh I used to feel guilty because I'd be um, you know, taking a client out to lunch, and it would be a nice summer day, and I might take them to have a lobster roll and talk about their portfolio. And in the back of my head, I'm like, Cheryl would probably really like a lobster roll right now, and she's probably dealing with all kinds of havoc at the house.

SPEAKER_04 35:12

I lost one of the ladies who lunches, only it was peanut butter and jelly in the kitchen.

SPEAKER_01 35:19

Um but yeah, it it I think of um we did make the decision, and and I'm grateful for the decision because uh I think it had a profound difference for Harry's outcome, and I certainly think it even probably had a more profound uh difference in our daughters' outcomes in terms of how uh they've evolved as human beings. But we made the decision that you would stop working and um that you basically gave up your career. Um and I kind of felt like I okay, I gotta solve the the finances for us. So if I have to work 10-hour days or 12-hour days, I'll do it. Um because that enabled at least one of us to be there uh for them. Yeah, so I still think you had the harder job because you know who did anyway. Um so you know, we've done planning ourselves. Um, we've set up special needs trusts. Um we have um we've informed our daughters, and we probably need to have further conversations with them about um, you know, what happens after we're gone. Um and I think that's one of the things that you also hear in the autism special needs community that you really, really want your child to have an incredibly long life, but it would at the same time you want to live one day longer than they do because you want to always be there for them. Um we're not gonna always be there for Harry. Um, so we've again built the safety nets around that as best we can using things like special needs trusts and other vehicles like able accounts. Um but that fear never goes away. And I hope that we've instilled in our daughters that um and what we try to solve for them is that they won't have financial responsibility in in any way for Harry, but we certainly want them to take responsibility for being his advocates in our absence. Um tell me where how where your mind is on that level of worry. Um do you feel better than you did, or are we still, you know, it's still a worry that's pretty big.

SPEAKER_04 37:58

Well, both of our daughters don't live in the same state as Harry, so that is a concern. That may change over time. We don't know. Um a friend of ours who uh used to be Harry's teacher is very involved with Harry's life. Um she adores him. I think of her as a second mom to Harry. And she is local and she is 10 years younger than me and wants to stay in Harry's life for the long haul. And she has asked me, you know, what do I want for her for Harry in my absence? And I told her, I want him to feel loved. I want him to feel that people care for him, care about him, are available to help him when he needs help, when he feels he needs help. Um and she has assured me he will always be loved. And that is a tremendous reassurance to me. Um, we also have family. I have two sisters who are ten and eleven years younger than me. So theoretically, they'll be around after me. I think of them as stepping in and helping as well. So it's not just our daughters that will be his only resources, and I think it it is important to cast that net as wide as you can, uh, of people who not necessarily will be able to take Harry in to have them live with them. I'm not saying that, but people who will be his advocate, who will look out for him, uh, who uh would be able uh to be consulted in terms of any kind of medical needs, medications, what have you. Um and a lot of that has to do with legal guardianship, which our girls are uh alternate guardians after us. But I do think it's important to have people who will will just, you know, make sure he has Christmas presents. You know, and make sure he gets to go fishing and maybe gets to go to the movies, things like that. And those are the things because yes, financially, I think we are put the putting things in in place for Harry long term. But as his mom, I worry about those other things. You know, who's gonna hug him, who's gonna rub his neck when he has a headache. I worry about things like that. So my thought is the wider I can cast that net. And fortunately, our boy is very likable. There are a lot of people in our community who adore him. Uh assuming he he is in this community after we're gone, I think there are a lot of people we know who are more than happy to be friendly and supportive and nurturing to him.

SPEAKER_01 41:46

Um, I think part of what we kind of decided, um, I don't know that we ever really articulated it, because you know, that finding um somebody to watch Harry, although we had uh great experiences with um a few a few um babysitters that I I think of as family friends at this point. Um just wonderful people that were there for us. But it wasn't just leaving Harry with just anybody was not an option. Um so oftentimes um we just brought him with us. That um it was the Cheryl, Harry, and dad show that you know, if we were going out to dinner, Harry was going with us. It was, you know, he accompanied us for a few date nights and other activities, and it was it just was what it was, and I think that played a role in him being integrated in the community in the sense that um and and one of the things that you know we we had our daughters at at separate times dealt with built bullying situations, and the irony of it is I never felt that with Harry. Um, you know, he was uh he was almost like the mayor of the town. I mean, it still kills me to this day. I'll be walking through a store with him, and people have no idea who they are will come up to him, and I feel like I should remember who they are, but I don't at that moment. And they're you know greeting Harry, high-fiving him, and asking him uh, you know, questions that know they know he likes to answer about his favorite birds and things like that.

SPEAKER_04 43:32

Um I'll be walking with him down Main Street, and a young man, I I can judge by the sound of the voice, will say, Hey Ms. Norton, hi Harry. And I can't see that far, so I'm just like, oh hi, you know, and I'll lean over to Harry. Who was that? And he'll tell me, and like, who is he from? Oh, from high school. So, you know, and And theoretically, you know, this young man, you know, maybe a college graduate at this point, but he's taking a moment out of his day to say hi to Harry, and and that's great.

SPEAKER_01 44:14

And and this is again, I think, one of those things where you know the one of the joys with Harry is that um he's more socially outgoing than probably we are. In the sense that we'll be um we'll be at a store, I'll be getting, I don't know, um, some twine for the the the uh weed whacker, and he will randomly go up to anybody that's there and ask them what their favorite bird is and ask them their name and how old they are.

SPEAKER_04 44:50

Um three solid questions to make conversation.

SPEAKER_01 44:53

Yeah.

SPEAKER_04 44:53

What's your name? How old are you? What's your favorite bird?

SPEAKER_01 44:58

Um so I think you know, it the thing that I think led strength for us and for him is not choosing not to isolate ourselves because there were moments where I think, you know, I just want to wrap a cocoon around the family and just hide. And um that I think is is not the way to go. And I think we benefited from being aware not to do that. Um so let's talk about um something else Harry often brings up because Harry um always likes what he just completed. And what I mean by that when he left um elementary school to the middle school, um he drew a picture for his um elementary or his uh elementary school teacher is one-on-one that said R.I.P. Um Goodwin School, and it was not anything salacious, but he meant rest in peace because he was having to leave uh the elementary school.

SPEAKER_03 46:07

And he was devastated.

SPEAKER_01 46:10

And and there, and these are like some of the surprises, like the other, I think of the other thing that he started his elementary career on the first day. Um, you know, he it was in the in the preschool program. So he was was three? Birth to three.

SPEAKER_04 46:28

But he was just day after his third birthday, yeah. He started at the preschool.

SPEAKER_01 46:33

So that day he's walking down the hall and he sees something on the wall, and I'll let you tell the story.

SPEAKER_04 46:40

Well, he was walking down the hall, but uh his he was a little thing. He he was just a tiny little guy, and um three years old. So his parent picked him up. And uh so they're walking down the hall with the rest of the preschool class, and they paused for a moment, and Harry looked over at the wall, and he sounded out a word because he knew how to do that at three.

SPEAKER_03 47:07

He goes, pull. And it was the fire alarm. So the girls come home from school, you know, Tessa's in first grade. We had a really long fire drill today. We were about sight a long time and fire trucks came to the school. And I didn't think anything of it until I had a conversation with Harry's teacher a little longer, who found out that our boy had caused a send fire drill. That was a little mortifying, but yeah, but you know.

SPEAKER_01 47:47

And I'm trying to remember where I was going with that question, but um, yeah, that was a moment.

SPEAKER_04 47:53

Well, his preschool teacher also, you know, it's an integrated preschool where uh typical peers modeled behavior for children who were special needs. And Harry's preschool teacher wanted to demonstrate to the typical children that Harry had strengths, and Harry knew things that maybe they didn't know. So she would purposely uh write a word on the smart board or or the blackboard, whatever that they had, and she would ask Harry, Harry, what is this word? And he would know, and uh it it was one of those strengths that we didn't know where it came from, but we reveled in it that he he was doing something ahead of the curve. And you know, uh Harry's teacher, her motivation was to let other children know about Harry's strengths.

SPEAKER_03 49:03

Uh and uh but yeah, one of those strengths was sounding out the word pull on the fire alarm.

SPEAKER_01 49:13

So the um, I remember where I was going with this. So uh Harry again, you know, as he's gone through transitions, he longs for what he just left. So he left the elementary school, went to the middle school, wanted to go back to elementary school, left the middle school, went to the high school, wanted to go back to um the middle school. And then he left high school and went into another program uh where he attended Vista, and when he was there, he wanted to go back to the high school. And one of the things that he would say to me is he wanted to build a time machine to go back in time. So if Harry successfully builds a time machine, and you could go back and talk to your younger self um about what was going to occur and unravel for us in our lives with um with Harry, and I don't mean unravel in a negative way, but the journey ahead. Um, what advice would you have to the new mom back in the day? Or second, I mean not new mom, you was it was the third, but you know what I mean.

SPEAKER_04 50:26

Buckle up, buttercup. Um I mean all parents know this, regardless of the circumstances. Parenting is a hell of a lot harder than any of us think going into it. You really don't know what you're getting into until you're there. Um yes, Harry is a challenge. I'm never gonna tell you otherwise. But other families with so-called typical children have their own set of circumstances that are also a challenge. Um my sister lost a baby at seventy-seven days of age. Uh she had had twins, and the little girl didn't make it. And she has in the twenty years that have passed, she's to her credit, come to grips with it and has found her way to cope. But that was devastating. We have Harry. We get to watch him develop, granted, at his own pace, but he's with us. There are other families with other challenges, uh, you know, drug addictions and uh other types of mental health issues. You know, we all know this. There are a litany of other things that happen that present challenges when it comes to raising children. What tends to be harder for us is you're around Harry for two minutes and and you know there's something going on. We don't get to hide it. Um other people who have children with some sort of issue or some sort of family issue, if they get to hide it, that's to their benefit. We don't get to hide it. Um I think that if I had, you know, if I could talk to my younger self, I think I I would say you're gonna have challenges, you know. To be honest, I don't know if I'd want advice. As a 33-year-old new mom of Harry, I don't know if I'd want you wouldn't want to know. You wouldn't want to know. I think I'd wanna just roll with it. Yeah, short of being told seek out the resources you can, graciously accept the help that comes your way. Do your utmost best to get a enough sleep. Um get a thick skin to try to roll with the people who aren't very supportive. Pick your battles. Um bite your tongue when you want to swear. Because the person first person who drops an F-bomb loses the fight. Because if that's the only way you can defend your position, you don't have a good position. So, you know, keep your emotions under wraps and you know, stay poised when dealing with other people who maybe don't understand and aren't trying to understand. That's about all I think I would want to hear from an older me. 33.

SPEAKER_01 54:54

Well, for me in answering that question, um, an obvious answer given what I do for a living would be uh a list of stocks to buy at that moment that I wouldn't have uh you know made a spazion ours by the time we reach our 50s. Um but beyond that um uh it would just be to cut myself some slack. Uh because I think uh uh as you said, it's a difficult, it's a difficult journey, um, and there are challenges, and um I think I needed to uh in retrospect I should have been more forgiving to myself in terms of you know everything that that took place um and in the in our and my responses to it. Um but um but you you bringing up expletives reminds me of uh one of Harry does not swear often, um, and when he does swear, he generally announces ahead of time that he is going to swear, that we should be prepared for it.

SPEAKER_04 56:02

Gives a swear warning.

SPEAKER_01 56:04

Um I I remember one afternoon it was a very sunny day, and um we had a swing set in the backyard that wasn't getting much use at that point because the kids had kind of outgrown it, and Harry still loved birds, and um he loved blue jays, and I'm looking out on the swing set, and I see um a bunch of crows on the swing set. And I'm like, oh, we don't see crows often in the yard. Um, Harry might like to see these. So I yell, Harry, come on, come see the crows. And he his jaw drops, and then he yells, What the F-word? Um, because the crows were attacking a fledgling of a blue jay. And I didn't see that, but he immediately picked up on what was happening out there in in the world of nature, and uh that that was one of the few times that was the first time I heard him use the F bomb without giving me pre-warning of it.

SPEAKER_04 57:06

Uh but um usually I'm going to drop an F-bomb. Oh, oh, well that's unfortunate, Harry. Are you ready? Okay, Harry, do you feel better now?

SPEAKER_03 57:23

So let's get on with our day.

SPEAKER_01 57:26

Um, so let's kind of wrap up a little bit and just talking about um his sisters a little bit. Um so I think they come from a unique circumstance, and I want your view of this. Um they've had to kind of understand that mom doesn't see things, and mom doesn't drive, and um that Harry's um has autism, and Harry um I think despite his autism, he still fulfills the role of a brother and knowing how to get under his sister's skin. Even when they were little, he knew which toy to grab from them and throw over a baby gate so they couldn't get it. Um, but I think uh they can they're unique individuals now with a unique world perspective or perspective on life from standing witness and seeing all this and growing up with it. Um wonder if you could comment on that a little bit and how you think it has shaped them for hopefully the better.

SPEAKER_04 58:46

Well, there was a time in my life when my vision was pretty good, and I used to drive a car, but that was before our children were ever born. So our kids have never seen me drive. And I don't know if they really picked up on it because it was just something they did with you, but I never read them a storybook because little kids like to look at the pictures as they're listening to a story, and if mom has to hold it up to her face with a magnifying glass, it takes away from the whole experience. So, you know, that was your job every night to take the girls upstairs and read them a bedtime story. Um I think that it's it's what they know, they don't know anything different. You know, they don't know what it's like for mom to run to the grocery store and throw last-minute groceries in the back of the minivan and drive home. You know, it when they were little, there was no Instacart and delivery services of the like, and so mom did a lot of walking. And when they were little, they walked with me. So it it's really all in what they know. You know, it's what they were used to. Um they're wonderful girls. Uh, they have a lot of empathy for differences in people. Um even to this day, it's it's almost reflexive now for them. You know, when they go to visit Tessa in New York City, um she instinctively puts her hand out to help me down the stairs because she knows those strip those stairs are unfamiliar to me, and I get nervous around stairs that I'm not really familiar with. So instinctively she reaches out and she grabs me to help me downstairs in the subway or where have where what have you. Um and ironically enough, her boyfriend picked up on it right away, and now he does it too. You know, it's just um and Abigail is the same way. You know, she looks out for things ahead of time. Mom, watch this, mom, watch that. You know, it you know, I'll help you here. Let's go this way instead. They just it it's just part of their nature at this point. Um I think they celebrate the differences in people, otherwise known as handicaps, um, because of their upbringing.

SPEAKER_01 1:01:34

You know, I see them out in the world and interacting with people that have different challenges. It's just they um they they pause and they assess and they um they don't intrude upon situations, but they're they're ready, but they know to be ready. And as you said, it's kind of instinctual. Um, and that just per that empathy just permeates who they are. It's just um so I like to think we raise some some wonderful human beings. So uh so um are there any other topics that you think we should discuss today? I know we've we probably went a long time. We can talk, you and I still we're good, yeah. Yeah, so ramble. Is there anything else that you think would be helpful to share? Um, again, the the point of this is to to try to provide a background for um or backstory for people that are watching the podcast, so you know the perspective that I bring to the conversations, and and frankly, there's biases that inherently I have because of my perspective, as we all do as human beings. But um I hope this podcast was helpful for you uh for that purpose. Um and I also um think that you should like and subscribe, especially because you get to meet wonderful people like Cheryl by being a subscriber. So thank you for watching today.

SPEAKER_00 1:03:12

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