When Girls Mask: A Conversation with a Former Student

In this episode of Educating the Uniquely Wired Child, I sit down with a former student, Kristine, who is now an adult reflecting on her experience growing up with a uniquely wired brain.

Kristine shares what school felt like from the inside, the effort it took to keep up, the ways she learned to mask her struggles, and why some teachers were able to help her while others missed the signs completely.

One insight that stood out during our conversation was this: the teachers who seemed to understand her best were often teachers who were uniquely wired themselves.

This episode explores what masking can look like for girls with ADHD and learning differences, why their challenges are often overlooked, and what parents and educators can learn from listening to the lived experiences of students themselves.

If you are raising a daughter who appears to be doing “fine” at school but is exhausted or overwhelmed at home, this conversation may feel very familiar.

In This Episode We Discuss:

• What masking can look like for girls with ADHD or learning differences
 • Why many girls go unidentified for years
 • The hidden effort it takes to keep up in school
 • Why some teachers recognize these struggles and others miss them
 • What parents can learn from listening to the lived experiences of their children

Resources Mentioned

Educating the Uniquely Wired Child: The Workbook
 Available here:
 https://payhip.com/b/EfVmr

Connect with Dr. Kristan Shimpi

Podcast: Educating the Uniquely Wired Child
Instagram / TikTok: @uniquely.wired.child

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:17

Welcome to Educating the Uniquely Wired Child. I'm Dr. Kristen Schimpe, educational consultant, former school-based behavior specialist, and someone who spent years working with families and especially girls who were quietly struggling while appearing to be fine. If you've ever wondered why your daughter holds it together all day and melts down at home, why she's anxious, exhausted, or perfectionistic, or whether masking might be hiding something deeper, this episode is for you. Today's guest is someone incredibly special to me. Christine is a former student from many, many, many years ago. And today she's an adult, a mom, a military veteran, and a college student at NC State. She's also featured in the final chapter of Educating the Uniquely Wired Child, the workbook, as one of our success stories. But today is not just about success, it's about masking. It's about what happens when a girl spends years trying to be normal. And it's about what it looks like to finally come home to yourself. Christine, I'm so honored that you are here with me today. Thank you. I'm very happy to be here. All right. For the workbook you shared, you wish you could tell your younger self something. And you said, follow through, finish what you start, be kinder to yourself. So when you think about the younger you, what was she carrying that people didn't see?

SPEAKER_00 2:01

Uh that's a great question. So in my teenage years, I was having a really big issue with impulsivity and hyperactivity. And there were a lot of parts of the ADHD that were manifesting and really kind of making my life difficult. And it had shifted in a way from how it had presented itself in my adolescent years. And so a lot of the time during that period, I was just trying to figure out how to control myself and how to present as a normal teenage girl when I was struggling. You know, there were all these different things going on in my head. And it was quite a struggle. It was quite a struggle.

SPEAKER_01 2:48

Well, so when you were growing up, did you feel like you were trying to be normal? And what did being normal look like to you?

SPEAKER_00 2:58

So I was always trying to come across as normal. What I've noticed in particular about myself that has carried through the years is that I am very excitable. A lot of things excite me. And then when I do get excited about something, it will be a little bit disproportionate in terms of what most people would experience. So, for example, I'm going on a walk, I see a lovely flower, I get very excited about the flower. Like, oh my God, look at this flower. I want to take pictures of it. I'm going to send it to my friends. Wow, everybody should be appreciating this, right? And so trying to tamp that down and conform my social responses to things to fit around what most people were feeling and displaying at the time. That was quite a navigation in and of itself.

SPEAKER_01 3:55

Did you feel like that you had to you said tamp it down or tone yourself down? Did you get feedback from people that they felt like you were too much or too excitable? And that's why you felt like you had to tone it down?

SPEAKER_00 4:11

I think most of that feedback came from the home place. And one of my parents valued very much coming across as a reserve, docile girl in comparison to what my personality actually is, which is not that. It was more feedback from the home, although peer pressure was certainly a factor here. You know, my friends would be like, What? Why are you acting this way? Why are you doing this? And so that was definitely a contributing factor as well.

SPEAKER_01 4:45

So I want to sit here for a minute because in my work, especially doing community outreach programming with girls, I've seen something over the years. Girls with ADHD often don't disrupt classrooms. Now, boys, we know, and I think it's typically what people think about when they hear ADHD. Girls overcompensate, people please, internalize, work twice as hard to appear organized. And most of the time they're just smiling while they're drowning. Does that resonate for you?

SPEAKER_00 5:25

Yes, especially in my adult years over time as I've grown and learned how to handle my ADHD over time, it's it's become a more refined process. And all of those elements that you've just mentioned are present in my daily struggle. I want to ensure that the people around me are put first and anything that's going wrong, I'm gonna internalize it. And putting forth this picture, especially with all the identity roles that I have going on, putting forth this picture of someone who is well put together and doesn't struggle with organization like I do or anything else. I worked very hard on that outward appearance.

SPEAKER_01 6:13

So do you feel like, because that's what we call masking, but I'm pretty sure even now, you probably haven't had that word for what you were trying to do. So do you think that your teachers were aware or that your parents were aware? I know your mom was a really big advocate for you. Do you think that they were aware of all the things that you were trying to do to be quote unquote normal?

SPEAKER_00 6:44

I think especially maybe not so much the teachers. My mother, I think, was instrumental in my early understanding of what ADHD is. I think she herself was struggling with masking. And I would see her in the home struggling with things like organization and putting others first, maybe to her detriment. And I saw how important that was. And I thought, okay, this is a way that I'm able to do that myself. And as that kind of branched out and evolved over time, she and I have had a unique communication where we are able to understand each other's struggles, I think, more uniquely than other mother-daughters are.

SPEAKER_01 7:35

So it doesn't surprise me that you say that teachers weren't aware because I think a lot of what girls do in the school setting is that they hold it together, right? You're doing all of the things that you're supposed to be doing at school, and a lot of those things do not align with your uh personality or your kind of way of being. And so being at school is is really, really hard. And I think a lot of parents uh see it when teachers don't, because uh as females in general, regardless of ADHD, are typically pleasers and want to uh give off the best appearance. And so it's it's interesting to me that you and your mom have learned each other's strengths and weaknesses and you can help each other out. What what's a way that when you communicate with your mom, like if you see her struggling, what's a way that you try to help her? Sure.

SPEAKER_00 8:45

I think that girls with ADHD, it takes us a lot more energy and a lot more bandwidth than it does other children to come to school to perform well, to really engage with the coursework, to interact with our peers in an appropriate way. And so when we're done with school, that has drained us to a sizable degree. And so when you come home, it's just you can let that all go. With my mother, I see her mostly struggle with, and I think actually both struggle with keeping the house as clean as we would like it to be. She'll mention offhand to me, oh, I really need to sweep my floors. I have someone coming over, I really need to do this. I will try to help pick up that extra slack and say, hey, I can absolutely do that for you because it's infinitely easier to do it for someone than to do it yourself to your own space. Or at least that's how I experience it. So we do little trade-offs like that because I really understand how difficult it can be to just work up and muster that motivation.

SPEAKER_01 10:01

Right. Because things like sweeping the floor or cleaning out the closets, all of those tasks for someone with ADHD would definitely be considered a non-preferred task. Trying to get yourself in a in a headspace to where you are ready to tackle that is going to be a challenge. I'm sure your mom, but did other people see how much effort it took you just to keep up? Because when you mentioned school, school was, or traditional school was not designed for someone with ADHD. So you're going to that setting and it's going to play on all of your deficits. So do you think people notice like how much effort it took you to keep up? Or do you feel like you were good at kind of hiding that?

SPEAKER_00 10:55

I think in terms of, and of course, now in retrospect, my memory is probably skewed, but I think that it was noticeable to some people. My school guidance counselor, I cannot remember her last name, but her name was Heather. We talked quite a bit and she would pull me aside and say, Hey, what's going on? And I think that the people who were able to recognize it in themselves recognized it in me. But outside of that, I think it was there were a lot of questions involved. You know, as people, even still in the early 2000s, ADHD was still not widely as present as it is today, widely as diagnosed and really well understood. So there are a lot of people who had questions. And I had questions that I don't think we always had the answers to. But I do think that I was particularly more adept at masking, maybe than others.

SPEAKER_01 11:53

And I that's an interesting point that you say the teachers and other professionals that probably were also ADHD were the ones that could help you. And I really hope that we get to a place where that's not the case. And maybe with more awareness and more education, we will get there, but we're definitely, definitely still not there. Okay, masking works until it doesn't work. And it can look like success on paper, but internally it can feel like exhaustion, anxiety, imposter syndrome, burnout, shame. And I know at one point you stopped taking your ADHD medication for I think nearly a decade. And do you think that that was part of wanting distance from the ADHD identity?

SPEAKER_00 12:53

You think so? The people that I had surrounded myself with in my late teens and early 20s, I think that they some of the influence from them had kind of rubbed off on me. I think that I was really trying to put a lot of distance in between my mental health struggles and that if I just pretended that it wasn't a problem, then it wouldn't be a problem. And that was not the case. It just manifested differently. And there were a lot of things that I did during that period of time where I am really ashamed of and I really regret. And I wish that I had talked to a mental health professional before, just deciding to, you know, I'm gonna, I'm not gonna do this anymore.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Do you think you were trying to prove to yourself or maybe to the peer group that you were in at the time that you didn't need support? Kind of like, you know, bootstraps up or whatever the saying is that I'm just gonna do it, right? And I don't need help in order to do this thing called life.

SPEAKER_00 14:02

I think it was an experimentation of sorts, especially as I, you know, hit 18 and in my early 20s, I got out of the house and I was really my parents talked a lot about ADHD, and sometimes that would come across as negative, and sometimes it would come across as positive, but mostly negative, honestly. And I think I was trying to, like I said, experiment with how much of this is true. Do I genuinely need this to function? You know, is this more of an executive functioning thing? Is this more affecting more refined behaviors? How does this actually apply to me in the real world? And, you know, also not having a developed pre-control cortex. I also played a role in that, but I think I was just really trying to figure out if it was actually true. I had to find out for myself if I really had ADHD, even though I had so many professionals in my youth, tell me that I did it. It would does that make sense. It was sort of a yeah, like a social experiment for me.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

Interesting. And and the timing makes sense because I'm sure there was a part of you that was thinking, okay, I made it through high school. I don't have to necessarily do the things that I don't want to do anymore. So if I don't have to put myself in that kind of environment, then maybe I don't need the medication that helped me get by in that environment that wasn't necessarily designed for you. So your journey obviously was not linear, and we've talked about some of the impulsive decisions that you made, and and that there was some instability and seasons that didn't feel very grounded for you. And for so many women who mask during childhood, adulthood is where things unravel. So, what helped you recognize that something needed to change? So, was there like a turning point, or when did you decide I need to do something different now?

SPEAKER_00 16:15

Sure. I had developed an eating disorder alongside of the ADHD. When I was about 22, I was unmedicated. I was in the military, and I was not able to keep my weight where I wanted it to be. And of course, in the military, you have these very set standards on how much you can weigh, what is allowable, and what sort of remediation tactics they have available if you go over that. And so I I finally broke down and I went to behavioral health. And I went to them and I said, okay, I actually lied about not having ADHD. I need to get back on something to provide my brain structure because I was really drowning. And it's hard to differentiate between what was the eating disorder and what was the ADHD, and they all commingled at some point. But I was stationed in a foreign country and I didn't really have a lot of supports outside of my friends in the military. So that really forced me to take a look at the situation and not be so myopic in my viewpoint of what I actually needed to do to function well.

unknown 17:34

Right.

SPEAKER_01 17:35

And do you think the military is a very structured environment where you have a predictable routine, you know what the expectations are. I'm wondering if that it was easier for you to get to that place of acceptance because you were in that environment, felt more supported.

SPEAKER_00 17:59

Maybe just a I don't I don't necessarily, I don't necessarily think so. I I think that if I had just had the ADHD, then I think I would have very well, I would have succeeded in the military. My body dysmorphia and my weight fluctuations, I think that really drove me to a point that I just couldn't continue any further.

SPEAKER_01 18:23

Exactly. And you talked about those commingling. I think that that's often common with females with ADHD. So you decided you were gonna go to behavioral health and get back on medication. So did you feel a shift when you stopped trying to perform or mask and really started to understand your brain?

SPEAKER_00 18:50

Once I got back on a stimulant that I had taken for most of my childhood, and I had taken a couple weeks to really acclimate back to that, I think I realized yeah, it was kind of an O crap moment. I did I did really need this, and this really does provide the essential infrastructure, like cognitive infrastructure for me to be able to perform at a very high level. And masking was honestly slapping a band-aid on it, and it's like slapping a band-aid on a container of water that's leaking, right? It was not working, and finally I just had a blow-up. Interesting. Right.

SPEAKER_01 19:30

So now you're raising children, you have three kids, and I think two of them have ADHD. When you see your kids struggle, do you recognize yourself? Do you feel like you might be more compassionate, more proactive, more open about brain differences because of your own ADHD?

SPEAKER_00 19:54

That's a really great question. My sons, who are seven now, one of them has more severe ADHD than the other, but they present very classical symptoms of ADHD, like hyperactivity, the impulsivity, the distractedness, distractibility, a lot of those things. And for me as a parent, it was a moment because I was hoping that this was something that wouldn't necessarily get passed down. But also on the other hand, I have had some trouble relating in a strange way because I was able to mass more as a child than they were, especially at seven, which is when I started medication for ADHD. And so it's been a little bit of a learning curve with okay, yes, they have this the same presentation, they have the same symptoms, they have ADHD, but the way that they're dealing with it is different and their needs are different, and so I have to look at it more from their perspective versus my own viewpoint and slapping that on it.

SPEAKER_01 21:08

And maybe that's because they're presenting with more of the typical or classic what people think of as ADHD. And as someone who did a lot of masking, I'm sure you find yourself sometimes thinking, like, why don't you even try to sit still? You know what I mean? Because boys are a completely different beast in terms of lots of outward behaviors and you know, what people typically think of when they think of ADHD. So, what would you want your children to know about themselves that maybe you didn't know growing up? And this might be a question for a conversation down the road since they're seven, so they might not be ready for this kind of conversation, but what would you What do you want them to know about themselves? Like the maybe advice that you wish you had been given.

SPEAKER_00 22:07

It does not make you less than to have a diagnosis like this. It does not mean that you are worse off than other people. It means that you have to work harder and you have to work harder in different ways. But you are just as worthy of love and compassion and kindness as everyone else. That's really the main point.

SPEAKER_01 22:32

I like that. I like that a lot. And this goes right into our next topic. And to piggyback off what you said, you said some things are going to be a lot harder, but you could also say that there are some aspects of having ADHD that are going to make certain things easier or areas where you can excel. So when I asked you for the workbook to name a positive trait of ADHD, you had a hard time with that. And I feel like that hesitation is really common, especially in women who have internalized struggle as failure. But then after you thought about it, you said, a positive trait, I have a super focus. And so tell the listeners, because I know we've talked about it, but tell the listeners what you think of when you think about your super focus and how that plays out in your daily life.

SPEAKER_00 23:32

Sure. It's actually one of my favorite components of my personality in general, is that it really allows me to put forth this pretty solid work ethic. I like being good at work. I like my job. I like what I do. And I am able to go in at 7:30 every morning and just grind and work myself until 3:30 in the afternoon. And I do that every day because it's something that not only do I enjoy doing, which makes it easier, but it does allow me to tap into this naturally occurring source of motivation that I have with having the ADHD and the super focus. So it has allowed me to be more successful than I would be otherwise. And it's really been a positive aspect in multiple ways.

SPEAKER_01 24:30

And I remember my work with parents a lot. What the topic that comes up a lot is my kid doesn't have ADHD because when he's playing video games or something that he likes, he can focus on that. So he's just choosing not to focus on homework. But I think that super focus or that intense interest is truly a positive trait, especially if you can find a way to make it a part of your job. You're in an environment where you're set up to be successful, which is very, very, very different from what school typically looks like for kids with ADHD.

SPEAKER_00 25:13

I think it's for my own children. I think that nurturing that is more likely to be better than not. So my sons are very into Minecraft. I know very little about it, but they could tell you ever anything you wanted to know. It's really impressive how long they talk about it and how much knowledge that they have, just in as far as like quantitative information.

SPEAKER_01 25:43

Right. And I well, and I think it's important to do exactly what you just said and to compliment them and say how impressed you are that they know that much, because that is that's a good quality to good skill to have. All right. So if there's a parent listening who has a daughter who looks fine on the outside but falls apart at home, what would you want that parent to understand?

SPEAKER_00 26:12

It would probably be that things will get figured out eventually. I know that may sound strange, but that the misunderstanding and the a lot of questions surrounding behavior, especially when they're younger, a lot of things come to light as they get older and as they mature. And as a parent's understanding of ADHD, I think is explored, and that it's not always going to be this struggle and stressor of, oh my God, what am I doing? I'm not, I'm not supporting enough. Why is my child doing this? And I think just using that, the knowledge that it is somewhat temporary to kind of secure yourself and to anchor on to, because that's what I've had to do, honestly, is it's just gonna get better. It's gonna get better.

SPEAKER_01 27:06

And to piggyback on that, I think that it's helpful in our first podcast episode. I talked to Dr. Ross Green and we talked about the fact that kids do well if they can. And 99% of kids do not wake up in the morning and think my goal is to make my parents' life miserable. There is a reason for all behavior. And I think the sooner parents realize that and realize that it's not manipulation, it's not defiance, that there truly is a reason, the easier it is for them to get to acceptance.

SPEAKER_00 27:49

Yes, and for the parent as well. Absolutely. All right, so if there's no child acceptance, right.

SPEAKER_01 27:56

So, and if there's a woman listening who's just now realizing that she has masked for years, what would you want to say to her?

SPEAKER_00 28:05

That doesn't have to define you, and it doesn't have to define you are as a person that has been a large part of my most recent sort of mental health exploration and challenge that I've had is how much of my personality and how much of this is a coping mechanism like masking, and how much of this is who I really am. And sometimes those things can be the same, and sometimes those things can be really different. So I think really just having grace with yourself, that's the biggest, that's the biggest thing.

SPEAKER_01 28:46

And I would think too that just like finding a work environment that builds on your strength and allows you to use that super focus, doing the same thing with who you surround yourself with socially. So find your tribe, find the people that will allow you to be super excitable when you see a flower. And they know that that's a part of who you are, and they like that about you and want to be around you. I think a lot of times we, especially women, try to make friends with people that we think that we're supposed to be friends with, but those people aren't necessarily the most helpful or the most beneficial to people to be around. So just finding your tribe and being able to relax and not have to wear a mask.

SPEAKER_00 29:45

I find that women with ADHD, whether they're diagnosed with it formally or not, have a greater sense of understanding when a parent makes mistakes or you're going on a play date, you're coming over to somebody's house and their house is messier than usual. And I think when we recognize those habits or the struggles within each other, that does allow us to strengthen our support network and also our own image of ourselves. And that's I cannot agree with you more, Kristen, with that. It's it extends to having a partner that really enjoys a lot of those aspects about you, but also who understands and who's going to be forgiving. That's such an important component. And not feeling like you have to hide yourself from your friends, from your partner.

SPEAKER_01 30:46

Absolutely. This has been such a good talk. And thank you so much for your honesty and being willing to share your story. Uh, no, that's not always the easiest thing to do because you you had to talk about some things that you weren't necessarily that proud of. But I think what I'm the most proud of is that you found a way to be true to yourself. And your story is powerful because it tells the truth. And the truth means that there were some hard times, there was masking, there were detours, but there was growth and a lot of self-awareness and strength and uh ultimately, which is the goal of self-understanding. So to the parents listening, if your daughter only falls apart at home, that does not mean she's manipulative. It may mean that she's exhausted from holding it together all day. Masking is not resilience, understanding is and uh uniquely wired children grow into uniquely wired adults, especially when they are supported instead of shamed. So if today's episode resonated with you, you can read Christine's story and other success stories in the final chapter of educating the uniquely wired child, the workbook. And if you're ready to build systems that reduce burnout and support regulation at home, that is the work I do with my family systems reset sessions. The workbook and family reset sessions scheduling links are all in the show notes. But I want parents to take away three things from this episode. You are not behind, your child is not broken, and it's never too late to come home to yourself. Thank you for listening to Educating the Uniquely Wired Child. I'll see you next time.