(Never released) I Think I’ve Been Rushing My Whole Life

This was originally just supposed to be a voice memo and then I kept talking for like an hour.

Anyway somehow we ended up discussing:
 Tiny Desk concerts,
 creativity,
 feminine energy,
 survival mode,
 why I think I’ve been rushing my entire life,
 why slowing down feels illegal to me,
 attachment issues probably,
 and whether becoming softer would make me lose my personality.

Also I forgot what my original point was halfway through multiple times.

This is basically just me driving around having thoughts in real time.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:01

Alrighty everybody, how we doing today? And by everybody, I mean potentially nobody, potentially me, potentially you. I don't know who's listening. If anybody ever will listen, if I'll ever listen again. I have no idea. I've actually have no intention really for this. I was just got in my car and I'm like, had some thoughts, and I've just been really inspired recently. I've been watching tiny desk uh mini concerts all day long and just been so emotional about it. Like it was just absolutely stunning. So oh my gosh, so beautiful. Literally crying at how beautiful art and music is, and just it's just like it just provokes such emotions in me. I don't even know what it is. It's not sadness, it's not even happiness, it's just like it puts me in awe. It like somehow invokes multiple different emotions all at once, and it just inspires me a lot. And I'm just really am drawn and called to creativity right now. I've always have been, but I've always just put like money and priorities of like paying bills and being responsible and like um moving forward with my education, like I've always just like put those kinds of things first, and I've always put my creativity either to the side or sometimes on the back burner, and that I'll have like these creative spurts sometimes, but I never prioritize it, and I think that that is actually not good. Um something I truly believe is that our world has so much chaos, violence, anger, depression, and struggle because of the high importance we put on everything but creating and art. And I'm also guilty of that. I'm a victim of it, but also I'm the cause of that as well, because I have every right to put creativity first, and I have not done that, and that's my you know, I have to take responsibility for that. I can't let life happen to me, I have to happen to life as well. So with that being said, it inspired me to instead of making a voice note for my best friend, or just letting all these thoughts run rampant in my head, or sending the voice notes to my boyfriend, or texting it all out, why don't I put it in a voice note for you know, in a voice memo so I could save it, and then I was like, you know what? I was gonna personally like originally it was just gonna be like a little mini like voice journal, but then I was like, hold on. I've been literally called to do a podcast, vlogs, blogs, writing, singing, DJing, making music, all types of art I've been being called to recently, just like you know, God's calling me to create right now, and I just I was listening to some beautiful woman on YouTube earlier, and she was talking about if you keep putting these conditions for creating, I have to have this type of camera, or I can't create, I have to have this type of of a microphone, or I can't create, I need to be in this location, or I can't create. She's like, you every time you do that, you're getting further and further away from your goal. And I'm like, I know that, yet I continue to just continue to do that, and I'm like, you know what? Here we go. So that is why. Thank you to that girl. I'm sorry I don't remember your name, but you were so beautiful and you inspired me a lot, and I'll figure out your name. And if this vlog, blog, podcast, whatever the heck that I'm doing right now ever goes anywhere, I will make sure to give you your credit because you know, it did touch me and inspire me, and it's the reason why I'm doing this right now. So I appreciate you, girl. Anyway, I forget what I was even gonna come on here and talk to y'all about. I did have something to say. And I'm saying things, but it's not a thing I came on here to say. I completely forgot what I was gonna say. But um for now, I guess I'll just talk to y'all. Maybe I came on uh maybe I didn't have anything specific to say. Maybe I just wanted to talk. I don't know. However, here we are, so I guess I'll just tell you whatever thoughts come to mind at the moment. Um Today was a good day. A really good day. And right now I'm actually in the in the process of oh, you know what? Thank God. I just remembered. What I was gonna talk to y'all about was the odd feeling of trying to tap into your feminine energy because your soul your soul is calling on to do that. However, feeling kind of scared to do that because you feel like you might lose yourself. Like you I honestly didn't. Like I'm honestly scared to tap too much into my femininity because I'm like, wait a second, I actually feel like maybe I am so masculine that what if I like tap out of my masculinity into my femininity and lose myself? Like, what if I'm no longer funny? What if I'm no longer bold? What if I'm no longer courageous? And I'm like, that's an interesting thought to think that to be so I and you know, I'm I'm I'm actually talking on this platform right now to kind to try and kind of talk it out with y'all and figure it out because I'm actually confused about that sensation. Whether that's true or not, whether if that's an absolutely odd and ridiculous feeling thought, you know, I'm I kind of want to just get on here and try and figure that out with y'all. Maybe, you know, just talking it out even though there's nobody to respond to me, you know. I think it's great to talk to yourself. And I'm just a little lost and confused about it because recently I just really feel I just keep getting these intuitive hunches like tap into your femininity, tap into your femininity, feminine energy, how to be womanly, how to be a woman of God, how to be a better future wife and better mother, like all these very weird things that, if you know me, have not really been important to me at all. I really didn't care about any of that at all. I cuss a lot. I don't really care about what anybody thinks about me. I don't care about, you know, call me aggressive, I don't care, call me masculine, I don't I don't care. Um What the heck is this person doing? Sorry. I accidentally didn't buy car insurance, and now I'm all scared because I don't get coverage until tomorrow, so I'm like out here driving. No disrespect to the elders, but out here driving like a grandma. But um, yeah, and I'm doing this while driving, by the way, because when I'm driving, it's like when my thoughts can flow, it's peaceful for me. But yeah, I'm just not the type of person that's very quote feminine. And maybe I'm more feminine than I know. I think this whole idea of feminine of feminine feminine energy, femininity, like all these things are like, you know, natural to me, but foreign at the same time, which is just so weird. It's like so many things are so many feelings and ideas and and thoughts are surrounding this transition that I'm kind of like moving forward into. And I'm like, I'm starting to feel like, oh my god, do I stop trying to do this? Because, you know, I told you earlier I'm having these fears and thoughts that like if I lose, if I tap too much into my femininity, would I be losing myself? And is that true? But I think, you know, when I say that, I I just know that that's not true. And I think that I might be mistaking feminine energy for gender roles, which, you know, they may tie into each other, but you we've all probably heard it before, you know, men should have feminine energy, women should have masculine energy, but it should be on a balance. And you know, I think that you know what that's that's a good way to look at it, actually, for me at this moment, by saying that I think that my soul wants me to tap more into my feminine energy. It's not telling me to lose those beautiful masculine parts of me, but to also feel safe and good about stepping into my feminine energy. I do feel like a lot of these YouTube videos that I'm watching and everything, they have been very helpful, but I also think they may even have what feminine energy means kind of distorted. Because a lot of times they'll say, in order to have feminine energy, keep your nails done, keep your hair done, wear monochromatic outfits, go to the gym, um, talk softly. Some of the things have been very helpful, such as moving slower. But I actually I actually, you know, even though they've said that in a lot of the feminine energy videos, I actually that really touched me and moved me when I was listening to it in one of these YouTube videos I watched recently about um Japanese self-care tactics, and one of them was have a specific word in Japanese, I forget. And if somebody else knows and you're listening to this, help me out. But there's a specific word in Japanese, what that means like moving slowly and mindfully, and you know, rather than rushing and grab your coffee and sitting in the six message and moving like da-da-da all the time, is moving slowly, and that is something I've completely, absolutely have never done in my entire life. I've been in a rush my entire life. I've been in a rush to get older, I've been in a rush to move things along with partners, I've been in a rush to find my purpose. I've been in a rush in my everyday life. I wake up, I'm rushing. I wake up drink coffee so I can rush some more. Like my life has been a rush. And that's a great way to put it. My life has been a rush. I'm always searching for a rush. Um an adrenaline, you know, I wouldn't say adrenaline junkie because I don't like I'm not too I also have a lot of anxiety and stuff, so I'm not always into like roller coasters and stuff. Like I'll do it once in a while, but I do risky behaviors. I'm rush, I like rushes in that way. And it's like I rarely find peace. I r I used to hate sleep. I just started to like my bed this year. It is a great bed. I just got an actual nice bed for the first time of my life, makes a big difference. With nice blankets for the first time in my life, it makes a big difference. But in general, my anxieties, my insomnias, they prevented me from wanting to rest. And that caused a lot of issues. It like worsened every mental health diagnosis I have, and now I'm at this point in my life, I don't know what happened. Have no idea. I don't know if it's because I met my boyfriend, and he's just so amazing, and just like inspires me to be like a better version of myself, a healthier version of myself, and he just like really just he's just like the first person in my life. Well, not the first person, but definitely the first man in my life. Because my best friend was probably the first person in my life to make me feel that way, but first man in my life to like not make me worry. I don't feel like I always have to wonder what he's doing or what he's up to. I feel like I can finally just be at peace and like still have that person that loves me and cares about me, but can worry and love about myself too. So it's like I have this for the first time ever, I'm able to like not be on edge. Like I feel safe. I used to be on edge when I'm single because I'm like, oh my god, I need my partner, I need my person. I'm a big lover girl, so I just but also I probably have some attachment issues too, you know. I probably need to work on that as well. But my best friend and my boyfriend both helped me with that because they both have boundaries and self-respect. Something that I did not have, something I wasn't grown or raised to have because my mom's amazing, but she lacks boundaries for herself. My mom's amazing, but you know, boundaries tie into self-care, and she doesn't have a lot of boundaries. She pours her whole heart and soul out to everybody, ends up getting hurt a lot, and that's how me and my sister were raised. You give when you don't have, you pour and pour and pour into others, even if they never pour into you. Like, too little fault. And it's really hard for me and my sister to unlearn these kinds of things. It's hard for my mother to unlearn these things, it causes her a lot of stress. So I don't blame my mom for that. I find it beautiful, but also, you know, oh my gosh, is this person okay? There's a person outside, and they're uh respectfully, uh definitely under the influence of some drugs, and they're like tweaking out, and I just want to make sure they're okay. So they're like tweaking out to the point where they're kind of like getting close to the traffic. Well, the one thing about these people out here, they gonna they're gonna tweak and they're gonna be right, they're gonna be good, and they'll never go into the street. They be right in the middle of traffic, never touch a car. I'm like, yo, that's talented. But um to get back on track, you know. Um, I'm getting this, I'm sorry, I'm just getting this very odd pain in my like lower abdomen. It's a very interesting, weird pain, and it's like at first I was gonna ignore it, but I feel like that is that masculine energy coming through. Let me be strong, let me hold it together for everybody else. And it's like, no. Like, I think you know, I'm defining I'm starting to make my own definition of feminine energy, and I think that oh my gosh. My car just did something weird. Um, I think feminine energy is that vulnerability, and it's okay to not be okay all the time. Ironically, my little niece who just turned 13 at bowling, she was so funny, and she was saying, It's okay to not be okay. Somebody told her that, and she was like, She thought it was really funny. It's okay to not be okay. And it is okay not to be okay. And I always thought it was not okay to be not be okay. And I always wanted to be strong for everybody around me, my mom, my sister. My mom is a single mom. I love and love my mom and I love my sister, and I helped raise both of them because my mom was really young when she had me, and she was a single mother, and you know, we all raised each other really. My mom did a great job with all of us, but you know, I just think that we all tried to be way too strong. We didn't really show a lot of emotions. I did, but not in a healthy way, or in like a a productive way. Like I would be, you know, all of us actually I could say, well, me and my mom at least, you know, sh showcase a lot of gosh guys, I'm getting a lot of cramps. Like odd cramps, not normal cramps. It feels very weird. I don't like it. It's kind of taking my breath away. And I'm not ignoring these feelings because um for my masculine energy, I addressed it with y'all, but I'm kind of trying to distract myself from it because it's hurting and I'm driving and I just I need to get home and it's like hurting. So thank you guys for being here while um in pain. Well, if anybody, if if it's nobody, okay. If it's somebody, thank you. If it's me, hello, Kiana. Oh, did I say that? My name's Kiana Hughes, by the way. Um I have no idea what this podcast will be about or called or if this even will be a podcast, but recently I said I was gonna make a podcast called quote, I never told anybody this, end quote. And for it to be a safe space where people could talk about you know, things they never talked about before, and that I create I help facilitate and create such an environment that's vulnerable and feel safe and comfortable, and like I'm I'm vulnerable, I'm safe, I'm okay, you're safe, you're vulnerable, you're okay, and like talk about and share things that we've never shared before. So, yeah, so maybe that's what we'll call it. Who knows? Maybe not, I don't know. However, like I was saying, um, I think that whole slowing down thing was like one of the the better tips I got from the feminine energy thing. But the things that scare me when they say feminine energy and what what I what I mean when I feel like if I tap into it too far and I lose the masculine energy of myself would be like I do talk aggressive. Yo, what's up? Oh my god. Yeah, I'm I'm allowed. Like, I'm kinda loud. I'm very expressive in the way I speak. I um Um, this person is just what are you doing? Is this a one-way, like I'm confused. Sorry guys, I told you I'm driving and I'm just gonna go to the next street, dude. These people are, you know what, I'm gonna just go because I don't know. This guy's in in the middle of the road and there's too much But you know, and it's like I personally feel I like that part about myself. I like the um go ahead. Oh, please. Yo, are you serious? I don't what's your problem? Respectfully, why do you do that? Um I'm sorry. But like I like that that aggressive part of me, you know. I feel like it represents like how I grew up. I feel like it represents, you know, my strength, my bravery, my independence, my like I ain't scared of nobody, my little like rough around the edges vibe, you know, like I like that about me because it's been a part of me for so long, and it's also a protection mechanism, you know. But at the same time, I wonder what would happen, if it would change me or not, if I let that part of me go. Can I can I let that part of me go? Can I speak more eloquently and softer in a good way? Oh my gosh, would it benefit me? Would it not? I don't know. Is that masculine aggressive vibe really me? Or is that something that I created to protect myself? So am I no longer in need of protection? Can I just be soft, vulnerable? And is that good? Or would it be fake of me to release this and let it go? Or is it fake of me to even have this aggressive masculine persona? I don't know. And it's something I'm trying to kind of meditate and figure out, but once again, like I said, I think it's really starting to come down to like the fact that I need to find a healthy balance. I think that you know what that could look like for me. Me. Alright. I'm always have, you know, probably like my little twang in my voice. I'm always probably gonna have an urge to protect myself, you know. Even when I was out with my boyfriend and his friends recently, there was a man, and he's like uh he said something, like he put his finger up and told me, like, with his finger, like, come here. And that really made me mad. Because, first of all, even if I wasn't single, who are you looking at and doing that with your finger like I'm a dog? Second of all, I do got a man, and you see him right here. That's why you're being sneaky and putting your finger up and doing like this with your finger. You can't see anybody had two fingers, like a come here motion, like a come here motion. And I literally was like, you know, I started cussing and like and started, you know, saying, Who who are you who are you doing that to? Who you looking at? And right now I'm trying to be more eloquent. So I'm like, you know, oh, sorry, I'm pulling up and my neighbors are here. Oh, um, they're gonna probably start talking to me. Sorry, guys. I'ma back this day. I'm parking. Sorry about this. I'll cut this down, I'll try to at least.

SPEAKER_01 24:44

Oh, I'm not on that out of the way. Oh, yeah, you didn't have to have a building conversation every day on you, bro. Like, look at the only bigger bottle. You're a selfie ass personal, I mean that's the back of the way, dummy. I used to holler. What the problem is he said, leave you alone with a rough road in the wrong. Oh, I'm sorry, but this shit really children. Sweat you do.

unknown 25:21

Look at that right before it's just old. It's so cold, we can go here and like just have people like you like that shit.

SPEAKER_01 25:33

So fuck you keep wasting my time. How am I wasting their time? How am I wasting the time? Did I did I block you because you didn't answer the phone? So did I block you because you didn't answer the phone? Did I block because you didn't answer the phone? Did I block because you didn't answer the phone? Uh right, right, right. Um I got a good deal on it. Why the fuck you have to tell me that it has it right on the screen. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 26:23

It's hard. Thank you. It goes faster than the left board tickle. Oh my god. Yeah. So everything works by the lecture. Yeah, you see the screen. Yeah. Oh, okay. It's got radio number. Yeah, it's fire. It's just anchor's good. Oh, it's fire. I love it so much.