Why Don’t Gays Support Gays?

In this episode of Boys Bare Talk, we’re getting real about something no one wants to admit - why don’t gays support gays?

From music to brands to social media, we see it all the time: gay men hyping female pop stars, but hesitating to support other gay male artists, creators, or businesses.

Is it competition? Insecurity? Internalized stuff we don’t talk about? 

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:00

Okay guys, so welcome to Boys Bear Talk. We're just two husbands having some real talk, no filters, no rules, and no shirts.

SPEAKER_00 0:11

Are you supposed to say shirts first? That's fine.

SPEAKER_01 0:14

I mean, come on. Alright. So today, topic is what we're talking about, something a little controversial, maybe to some, maybe to all. Um, but it's also still kind of real. So the topic is why do gays not always like to show up and show out and support each other? Why do gays not always support gays? What's the what's the situation?

SPEAKER_00 0:38

And like we see it like when we go to Pride, there's always female artists headlining most of the time. Gay clubs, it's always female vocals, and this is like the best songs, and we we are at fault too. Like we love it. Of course. Uh gay male artists, like, they're not really like very successful, like the female artists.

SPEAKER_01 0:59

Less hype, there's less hype around them.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Yeah. So why do we feel like it's easier to idolize her than support him? So that's the question. That's the question. So, but let's let's start with the music industry because it's obviously it's close to me. But you know, gay men loves divas. Us too, like Beyonce, obsessed with her. She's my life, you know, like Madonna, Lady Gaga, like we all like obsessed with the divas, but um we are not really open, like like we like for gay, gay male artists, like it's not they're not like the mainstreams, like the support of them, it's not obvious to us, like how we support and idealize the the female. Why is that?

SPEAKER_01 1:46

Yeah, I mean I totally agree with that. Um, but I think there's multiple layers to this onion.

SPEAKER_00 1:51

So let's d dive in. But like I wanted to say, like, is it like because the female pop like singers are like a fantasy? It's like our escape, and like the gay, the gay uh like artist is like too close to us, too relatable. Like, is it we're triggered to compare ourselves to him? You know, like that's yeah, I mean that's where I'm going.

SPEAKER_01 2:14

I think that there's a little sprinkle of everything in there. Um, I think it can be easier to, especially as a gay man, to idolize and worship a woman sometimes than to do the same for a male, because a lot of what we experience in our gay life is society telling us and marginalizing us and telling us we should be a certain way, we should be a certain amount of masculine, we should be a certain amount of boy, or what have you. And I think that like one of the main things about a diva is that a diva kind of encapsulates the the female vibe and sassiness of that a lot of gay men carry and the kind of the dance that they do with women, which is like they relate better than a straight man does, and it's because of that diva energy. So I think that it's some to some capacity, every man has that inner female diva in him that they kind of see a resemblance of themselves on the stage, whether it's Beyonce or Lady Gaga or Madonna or one of these um artists or acts that is kind of you know showing everything and all of themselves in a way where men can kind of like see themselves in in the act, you know what I mean? But at the same time, what they're seeing is that marginalized fraction of themselves that they're that society's told them they can't really show show out and show everyone a piece of. So, with that being said, let me check my notes. Um basically, is it an internal competition and ego we have with each other, or what is exactly the situation? I think it's a little bit of both. I think there's competition amongst all of us humans, but even more so in the gay scene, because it's I feel like society tells us there's only one gay friend, or there's only one gay role to be taken up by someone. So therefore, if they so if you see someone else in the role that you kind of are playing in life, you think, okay, well, that role is already filled by this one person, so there's no room for me. So maybe then some type of hate comes in or some type of just comparison or jealousy can kind of come into play. But I don't know, what do you think?

SPEAKER_00 4:34

Yeah, I mean, I agree. I think it's like, I mean, with even with me, see like when I do music, like, you know, people are always like, like, you know, gays, like, we love to sho to to do a show. Even if you're not in the entertainment industry, like when the gays go out, like they think that they are the moment, they are the show. Yeah. And like they don't understand, like, you know, for somebody like me, for me, it's like my work, it's like my my everyday, my career. But like, so like they always compare, comparing themselves. Like they they bring themselves into the equation of like my music video, like my songs, or like, you know, is this about me? Like, you know, so there's always this comparison that it's like sometimes like no, this is just this is my song, or this is like my work. This is like, so I feel like, yes, it is like for gays, it's it's harder to support somebody that looks like you because you kind of want to be like them. I'm not saying like some like they want to be like me, but we all want to be like Beyonce on the stage and like you know, be so sexy and so hot, or like, you know, I know a lot of gays like love Madonna and like they grew up on hair, so like they they want to be one of Madonna's boys, you know?

SPEAKER_01 5:43

So I feel like I think there's also some element to where um female artists versus male artists, I feel like in the world or in the in mainstream and pop culture, like a male artist is like looked upon as amazing or or marketed the best when they're kind of stoic and cool and calm and chill. They're not out there like bearing their heart to the world, like you know, women kind of are more emotional with their lyrics, with you know, just everything that they do. I feel like there's less space for the masculine male energy to come out compared to, yeah. So I don't know.

SPEAKER_00 6:26

I think it can be a a little bit of uh because like you know, you have Enrico Enrico No, uh what is his name?

SPEAKER_01 6:35

Enrico. No Enrico, uh what's his name?

SPEAKER_00 6:37

Uh Bad Bunny? The other one, the gay Ricky Martin. Ricky Martin. So like he is huge in outside of the America. Like, um obviously, like, here he's like a you like a huge person, but it's not like again, like the female pop artist, but like overseas, he's like huge. You know, so why is it here?

SPEAKER_01 6:59

And why is it, you know what I mean? It just to me. I mean, I think part of Ricky Martin's story though, too, is that like he didn't come out until so much more later in his career, once he was already kind of over that like peak. Yeah, you know what I mean? That's like not good.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

He's still at his peak, but like he's not like really mainstream in America anymore. Like, you know what I mean? But overseas, like, he's doing amazing, you know, he's great, and I love him. So, like, you know, it's just I don't know. I don't know either. But also, let's move on and talk a little bit. We can talk about MO underwear, like okay, our brand. Like, we have it for like what 10 10 years now. This is 10 years anniversary, and like the support we get, it's not really coming from our own community, and like we created this brand obviously for everybody, not just for gays, but we get all these DMs, like love your brand, like wow, I I love like so why don't you buy something? But then you're not buying anything, like you're waiting, sure, you're waiting for a gift, and it's like, why do we support all these big brands and like we love to wear this like aloe aloe aloe yoga hat and like you know, doing all these things just to like put the name on on us, but like we're not gonna support one of our our own, even though we're like acting like we are obsessed with this brand, like you know, again, we're getting all these DMs from these people, and we're like, but you didn't buy anything, you know what I mean?

SPEAKER_01 8:20

Yeah, no, I totally understand what you're saying. But I mean, I do think that you know, maybe we're looking for something where it's like we're asking for blind support, which you know, I mean, I think that we probably do get more support than we realize just because we are a gay-owned brand or a gay-run company. But I think at the same time, you are right, there's not like this over amount or overwhelming like outpouring of support, like, or at least any feedback that we hear where it's like, oh, like those gays over there, they're they're really trying to get at it, so like let me let me like go support them, you know what I mean? Yeah. I don't really think there's a whole lot of that happening, but um, so also I think that part of the equation too is you know, we all have as gay men some type of internalized homophobia about you know kind of our view on like men, ourselves, how we relate to each each ourselves and each other. And so I think that it can be just easier to like kind of fall in love and have this like admiration, this undying blind admiration for a female than for another male, you know.

SPEAKER_00 9:26

Um it's not just like even female, it's like also we all like as gays, like we all obsessed with Bed Bunny.

unknown 9:34

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 9:34

But he's not he's not gay, he's not like part of our community. I don't know. I've heard some things. But I'm just saying, like, you know, you know what I'm saying? It just like when I'm looking at like pop male gay artists, like you don't have, like, you know, Todd Rick used to be like big and he's like you know he still got like Troy Savan.

SPEAKER_01 9:53

Yes, but like he's still never like he never like gets to that level of like some of these other people do, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:00

Like he had a moment. I mean, like, where is he now? I don't know. You know, like I I don't hear like his stuff, I don't see his stuff popping on my Instagram, like how it's like.

SPEAKER_01 10:08

I don't think the I don't think that the marketing really goes that that deep into like these types of people, you know what I mean? I think it's easier to market like a pretty female to like the whole world, but like when you get to like a gay male, like marketing people be and then dollars behind like these acts, I think that they think twice before they go full throttle with you know giving them like all the money, all the resources to promote themselves. Um, but yeah.

SPEAKER_00 10:35

So my question is is it changing though? You think now with the new generation, with the queer people, like with the younger generation, do you think it's like there is more support to like the gay community in in the entertainment, in the in everything, in branding and I think that there's more space for not just one gay role or queer role, but maybe a handful.

SPEAKER_01 11:00

But I think that at the end of the day, like the support is always you're gonna I think you're gonna see more space for for queer and gay people to like do their thing, but I think that behind the scenes there's always gonna be that like of like you know, talking shit, not really wanting to support, you know, doing the thing that you do when you sit on Instagram and you see other people that look like you or doing the similar things you're doing, and you're like, why am I not that good? Why not look feel that good or look that good, or why am I not doing as much as that person is, you know what I mean? So I think that there's always gonna be that element too within the gay community of just like there's only space for one, you know, like there's only enough room for one, and if he's got that space, then it must mean that I'm not doing enough to get there. You know, so I think there's always gonna be those little like questions in people's minds that kind of like are an obstacle to the blind support of just like let's just raise them up and like give them the platform that you know.

SPEAKER_00 11:54

Yeah. Alright, so let's do like our little truth or dare segment. Oh, you love this. Okay. Okay. Have you ever not supported someone because you felt threatened by them?

SPEAKER_01 12:09

Uh no, I don't think not support them. I always will support somebody, but I might change the channel on them because I felt because I feel threatened by them. Like, for example, I know sometimes if I'm scrolling Instagram and I'm looking at like, you know, other people that are in my same occupying my same space in certain ways or certain things that I'm trying to do, like the algorithm will push somebody that like is in my mind like creating content that makes me think, oh, they're more successful than me, or they're they're doing something better than I am, or like they have a better recipe. So, like, you know, you kind of get to that point where like you you take some notes, but then it gets to a certain level where it's like I just can't see this this person or this thing anymore because like it's reminding me too much of like what I'm not doing or what I don't have, you know. So I think that sometimes I don't I'm maybe more likely to change the channel on them rather than not support them. Like I'll support you for a little bit, then I'll come back.

SPEAKER_00 12:55

Okay. I don't know. Okay. And to me, I don't think I don't think I didn't support somebody because I felt threatened by them. I don't I don't feel threatened by people like that. Yeah. So I don't think so, but yeah, no. Okay. Well aren't you aren't you uh confident? It's not I'm confident, it's just like I'm I'm trying to think like when would somebody make me feel threatened that I won't support his brand or brand's not the right word, but yeah, no, I feel you.

SPEAKER_01 13:26

I mean that's like a little bit of a if I want something I get it.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Like I don't care like who is being who else is doing what but like then if my friend's doing something, like how like our friend had the party, we went, you know, to support, like we'll run support you, like we'll always support our friends, but like we yeah, never like never felt threatened. And yeah. Do you find yourself comparing your body or success or success to other gay men? Always.

SPEAKER_01 13:52

I think that's part of what drives a lot of us to like keep going, is you see like your neighbor, you see the person next to you, like, oh like damn, I gotta get better, I gotta get more, I gotta do more. But I think that's like not just the gay thing, that's the human thing, you know?

SPEAKER_00 14:04

Yeah. And uh yeah. I mean we always yeah, we compare ourselves to I don't think like we do it like it just happened naturally. Because again, like you say, it's it's a human thing. Uh you compare yourself to people in your area, in your arena, and then like you, that's how you get better. Right. So it's not it's not a bad thing, but yeah. Are you more likely to follow a hag guy or actually support his work? Well, I don't follow anyone, I just follow you. Yeah, you're not a lot of fun. Just kidding. Uh, but but like it's not just in on Instagram, just like because like you do, you do when you scroll your Instagram, you do like see the same people because like Instagram give you the same amount like people, but like are you going to these pages for the work or because you're just hot? I mean, I think both.

SPEAKER_01 14:54

Yeah. I mean, I guess it depends on the subject matter, you know what I mean? It's like how how like uh committed are you to whatever the topic is, but then also to like sure I love XYZ subject matter, but if someone is delivering the subject matter and they look nice while doing it, well fuck. Like let me let me follow real quick.

SPEAKER_00 15:16

Yeah, no, for sure. I mean, I do follow people because they're hot, but also like I do like their style or like I like like what they put out there, like you know, yeah, love the music, love their creation. So I kind of follow them for both. Um would you rather fuck or see him succeed? Fuck him or see him succeed?

SPEAKER_01 15:40

Fuck you, no fuck him. Uh I don't know. I mean, how about both?

SPEAKER_00 15:45

Or how about it depends on who. Because like it's just like if it's somebody like I don't know, I'm not look like I'm not looking for a fuck right like that option, you know. So like I'm more like if you want to succeed in something, I wanna see him succeed.

SPEAKER_01 16:02

But also, if you fuck me, you are succeeding, so it's kind of like the same thing.

SPEAKER_00 16:07

Really? I think you think so? Somebody love himself today. Okay. So yeah, do you have anything else to say about this matter? I think you you said something like the other night when we worked on the episode about when I asked you if it's changing, and then you said it like there is this person.

SPEAKER_01 16:24

Um no, I think I like I miss some I missed some news on that person. I was trying to like talk shit about Chapel Rhone because she annoys me, but um, because she's always talking about like I mean, I always see her like trying to like be like a dominating force in the queer space that has crossed over, but like then I was like did a quick Google and I saw that she actually did come out and say she's a lesbian, but like that's cool, but like it just always kind of annoys me when like cis females are in drag, you know?

SPEAKER_00 16:52

Yeah, and I just felt like Honestly, I have no idea who who is this person. I mean, I wish I didn't know who she was, but okay. Um, but yeah, so yeah, I just think that this subject is like it can go a lot deeper, but like it's just a question that like we all have. Like, why do gays not support gays? Like it it came from a lot of people that want us to talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 17:16

I think that I mean overall, okay, let's put let's put a period on it. I think overall the gays will support the gays, but I think that sometimes in our struggle we think that like why are not all the gays showing up, showing out.

SPEAKER_00 17:29

It's a but they also take like a lot of us take for granted each other, and then I feel like you know, even in the way again, I'm going back to like our brand, like how I see like we gift people our stuff a lot, and then they wear it a lot. But they never post it. They'll never tag. They never post it. But what's the deal? Like, you know, I mean, like for me, it's like clearly you love this, like the socks that we give you because we gave it to you like two years ago, and then like you're still like wearing them to a really like great event and take pictures with them. So why can you throw a a tag sometime? And like, you know, because you know it can help us, but then like you know what I mean? It just like we don't really think about it. I'm saying like maybe we are at fault too, we are doing this too, but like we don't think that like these people will need the support, like you know, they're not a huge company, it's not Nike, yeah. We're not Nike yet, right? So, like right.

SPEAKER_01 18:22

So, I guess like what we're trying to say is like, well, I'm a faggot, so support me. I guess I'm a fag, you're a fag, so let's like support each other.

SPEAKER_00 18:31

Yeah, let's support each other and let's get out there so we can all you're giving me is bullshit.

SPEAKER_01 18:35

We're all fags here, so just support me. But yeah.

SPEAKER_00 18:38

All right, well, all right, thank you guys for listening.

SPEAKER_01 18:41

Ongoing, ongoing topic.

SPEAKER_00 18:43

We might get back to it later on.

SPEAKER_01 18:45

But uh if we're still feeling some type of way about it.

SPEAKER_00 18:48

Yeah, because clearly we're feeling some type of way about it. Yeah, but uh, thank you guys for listening, and thank you, babe. Yeah, thank you. Thank you. Thank you and uh see you guys next time. Bye guys.