5 Questions to Ask Your Parents Before a Crisis

None of us like thinking about our parents getting older, but avoiding these conversations won't make them easier.

In this episode, Tracy shares five important questions every adult child should ask before a crisis. From legal documents and beneficiary designations to healthcare wishes and family expectations, these conversations can help your family avoid confusion, conflict, and unnecessary stress.

Start the conversation today, because the best financial plan in the world only works if the people you love know where to find it.

Hosted by Tracy Byrnes, MBA, CDFA
Vice President, Women & Investing, Lebenthal Global Advisors

If you've got a question, a topic suggestion, or just want to say hi, shoot us an email at TracyByrnesWealth@gmail.com!

Follow us on:

X: @TracyByrnes
Instagram: @TracyByrnesWealth

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey everybody, welcome back to Women Wealth and What Matters. I'm Tracy Burns, Vice President of Women Investing at Labenthal Global Advisors. I'm a certified divorced financial analyst. I'm a former business journalist. I'm a proud single mom of three young adults. This podcast is about helping women make smarter financial decisions, reduce the stress surrounding money, and focusing on what really matters. Because financial planning is not just about growing your money, it's about protecting the people you love. That's what we're going to do today. Last episode, we talked about some of the important conversations you should be having while you're sitting on the beach with family this summer or on vacation with them. And one of those conversations should be with your parents. And actually, I have to tell you, a bunch of you reached out after that episode and said that you wanted a little more direct questions. Like, what exactly should we be asking them? So today we're going to address that. And this doesn't have to be your parents, right? Maybe you have an elder family member that doesn't have kids and that you've created a bond with, or even a neighbor that you see and care for. In fact, you might even just want to send this podcast to those people and have them listen to it so that they get a better sense of what they should be telling the people they are close to. Or better yet, listen, listen to it together. A cup of coffee at the kitchen table, take some notes, ask some questions as we go, pause along the way. It's just a start. It's just something to help you start the conversation. Please notice that I said start. We just need to start talking. We don't talk enough. This is not an in interrogation. You don't want to scare them off. And it certainly shouldn't feel like one. And by the way, the goal is to not is you're not getting in there to figure out how much money they have. Like that, you don't want them to think that you're just in it for the money here. You're really in it to make life easier for everyone at the end. So this is not about finishing a checklist in an hour or a day. This is just basically making sure your family is not left guessing someday. I mean, working with families, there's there's I'll learn so much, but one of them is one, you don't know tomorrow. And two, the crisis itself is actually hard, but the crisis becomes even harder when no one knows where anything is or who's in charge or what mom and dad would have wanted. So we're just trying to prevent that. And it may feel a little uncomfortable. None of us like talking about our parents aging or getting older or starting to forget things. It's kind of crazy, but none of us also want to wake up one day and say, we should have had this conversation six months ago. That's all. So while everyone is still in great shape and you can share a glass of wine or a cup of coffee together, my hope is that after today, no one ever has to say, geez, I wish I did this six months ago. All right, before we get into today, please go back and listen to some of our older podcasts. As I mentioned, we did one on the five conversations you should have this summer. I think it's really great. Um, we also did one on five things your recent college grad needs to know before he or she starts that new job. That's like your W4, health benefits, really helpful stuff, I think, for them. So please go back and check out the older podcasts. All right, so let's get into the meat of today. Five questions. The first one: if something happened tomorrow, would we know who to call and where to look? And it seems so obvious, but it's just not. And if your family is like, you know, first or second generation, they hate talking about money. If they're anything like my parents, stuff's like hidden in a shoebox somewhere. So you sort of have to take your time, be gentle, and ask some delicate questions. But ask your parents who are the people or your elderly aunt or your neighbor, who do they rely on, if not you? Do you know who their financial advisor is who prepares their tax returns? Oftentimes you probably know the advisor, but you might not know the accountant or the estate attorney, especially if they created wills and docs years ago. Well, who did it? Is there an insurance professional? Do they have life insurance? Do you know who holds that policy? Those, by the way, are so difficult to get your hands on. Please, if they have a life insurance policy, find out who where it is. And then is there a bank or a business partner, some like longtime family friend that you don't even know about that happens to know everything? Now, again, you don't need to have all these questions answered in one day, but you need to know who to call. Then you got to ask where the important information is: the bank accounts, retirement accounts, investment accounts, cash. Many of these older folks have cash in the house. Where the heck is it? You're not taking it. You just want to know where it is, in case God forbid you put the house on the market and you don't sell the cash with it. Not speaking from experience or anything. Insurance policies, pension information. So, with someone in the military, where are the military records? Those are really important. Mortgage docs on the house, of course, tax returns. That generation loves the whole safe deposit box. Where's the key? Nobody knows. Nobody knows. Is there a list somewhere of all this stuff? That would be a really great little project for your parents during this summer to make a list of everything. And I have to say, don't forget the digital side of their lives now, because they are all on their phones. Is there a password manager? Can someone access their phone if something happened? You know, everyone's got these locks on their phone, like we're holding the secrets to nuclear war. Everyone locks down their phones these days. Can you get in if something happened? Do they get electric electronic statements? If so, where do they go to? What email address? And do you have the password to that? God forbid, again. Do you have the password to email accounts? Or can you are you able to reset them? And how about this? If you have to reset it, and then you know how they sometimes send like a confirm it's you email, what email does that go to? Because that's just annoying when that happens all the time. Well, I, you know, we've been through this, right? We know we've seen families that know there's a policy out there, but they have no idea how to begin looking for it. And during a crisis, every unanswered question feels 10 times harder, trust me. The parents don't have to hand over a folder containing every account balance, but someone just needs to leave you a roadmap. You know, back in the day they dropped breadcrumbs. Yeah. Young people have no idea what I'm talking about. They would drop breadcrumbs so that you know how to get home. Ask them to drop you some breadcrumbs because the money may not be missing. The family may simply just have no idea where to find it. Last thing, something else many families don't even realize. Knowing where the accounts are is only half the battle. Just because you know mom has an investment account doesn't mean you have access to it. Financial institutions these days cannot just say, oh, you're her daughter. Here, take all her money. We can't do that anymore. We're just not allowed. So it is so important to have the proper legal documents in place before there's a crisis. While your parent is alive, but God forbid, may be incapacitated or unable to pay his or her own bills. You need documents like a durable financial power of attorney. I'm gonna say that again. Durable financial power of attorney and a healthcare proxy to act on their behalf. These are documents you need when they are alive still, but unable to make decisions for themselves. After they die, on the other hand, that power of attorney immediately ends. It's useless. At that point, authority comes from being an executor named in the will or the trustee of a will. Again, financial institutions will also require a death certificate and other documentation, but make sure you understand who's in charge at what point. Which brings us to number two, the legal stuff. Who is legally allowed to step in here? Knowing where everything is does not necessarily mean you're legally allowed to do anything about it. It's like watching from across the street. Hello, there's the money, nothing I could do. This surprises families all the time because someone's son or daughter does not automatically get access to their parents' stuff just because you're blood. It's just not how things go. So ask your parents whether they have basic estate planning documents in place. Durable financial power of attorney, like we just said, healthcare proxy for when they are alive, a living will or an advanced directive. So that also is, dare I say, who's pulling the plug? Make sure you know, if God forbid, you get there. And of course, an updated will. They might be dealing, they might have a revocable willing trust, if that makes sense. Just as important though, is who's being named in these documents? Who has this financial power of attorney? Who is the healthcare agent, executor, trustee? And it could very well all be the same person, but you just need to know. And here's a question that many don't ask: who's backup if person number one cannot or will not serve? Who's number two? There has to be a number two. You know, sometimes people write these things so long ago that the person they put in charge passed. Terrible, but sometimes it happens. And the stuff hasn't been updated. So then what do you do? Make sure it's updated. Please. You don't want to be in an emergency and find that the doc was document was signed years ago and nobody updated it. Person died, moved away, is estranged, doesn't talk to so-and-so, whatever. Make up a thing. It happens in a family. You don't want to get there. So these documents can't simply be created and forgotten. They need to be reviewed. People need to be named. And by the way, the people that are named should be told that they were named. It should not come as a surprise after grandma's gone that, oh, by the way, you're in charge of everything. You don't want that. So make sure the people know that the plan exists and that they are the ones that you're asking to carry out the authority of everything. Make sure they know this. Ask your parents also too if they reviewed their beneficiary designations recently. Again, retirement accounts, life insurance, investment accounts. This one's actually important to me, the investment accounts. Many brokerage accounts also can be titled transfer on death T-O-D. So a regular brokerage account, taxable account, doesn't require beneficiaries, but you can ask your advisor to make it transfer on death. That means simply that if you and whoever the people on the account are, if you pass, the assets will be named directly to the people that you named as beneficiary to be transferred on death. It's automatic, avoids probate. It's brilliant. It's one piece of paper. Get it done. Every taxable account should have a TOD designation. And I say that knowing I have a ton of clients that don't have TOD designations, and now I'm going to call them all and tell them that we have to do this. All right. The important thing here is that your parents understand what happens to each account, what beneficiary designations are reflected there. Because basically, you just want to make sure you can carry out their wishes. This is the hardest question you're going to ask today. What would you actually want if your health or living situation changed? Where do you want to go? Everyone says I want to stay home. This conversation becomes very personal and it becomes very it can become very uncomfortable because mom and dad do not want to get to a point or think they are ever going to get to a point where they cannot live at home. But this discomfort, this uncomfortable conversation now can prevent so much conflict later when you think mom should go in a home and your brother thinks that mom wants to stay home and no one can make a decision and mom is just sitting there deteriorating. So ask your parents if you could no longer live safely, please say that word, safely. If you could no longer live safely alone, what would you want to do? They're still gonna say stay home, probably, but I have to tell you, some of these assisted living support care places, I have firsthand experience with them. We they are magnificent. Some of them are very expensive, I understand, but investigate it. It's like to me, it's like living on a love boat. And they're old enough to remember what the love boat was. There's shuffleboard and cards and daily activities and it might not be so bad. Then then that then your mom or dad has friends. And if you have friends and social life in your old age, you will live longer. Just facts. But ask them, do you want care to come into your home? Would you want to move closer to one of the kids? If the kids are all over the country, where do you want to go? Someone's in California and someone is in Michigan. I'll tell you where I pick. But ask your parents. Again, is there a community or a part of the country that they want to live in? Maybe they will go to an assisted living as long as you put them in one in Florida. Fine. Fine. Ask these questions though. What kind of medical treatment do you want or not want if you're seriously ill? Again, that's a terrible question to ask, but you need to understand their wants. And of course, what matters to you most? Being independent, being comfortable, being close to the family, staying in familiar surroundings. Like what is your number one thing? And then we could work around that. There's no perfect answers here, but these questions and answers need to be addressed. Please note they might also change over time. How someone feels today might be dramatically different 10 years from now when they're 85 versus 75. But the family, the people that will be here after your loved one is gone, they need to have a sense of their wants, wishes, and values. Otherwise, the adult children are left making decisions and all they're gonna do is friggin' fight about it. And you know that. That's just the way it goes. One children wants mom home, the other thinks she should go to assisted living. Nobody gets along, and they fight and fight and fight. And then it's stupid. Mom just needs to pick. This is how loving families end up in painful conflicts if mom doesn't pick. Make your own decisions. This is what you tell your parents. The greatest gift your parents can give you is not forcing you to guess what they would have wanted at the end of the year. Oh, you know me. You'll know what I want. No, I really don't. No, I don't. Have them answer these questions. Okay, number four. This is easy. Touchy, but easy. Any other financial obligations or debts or promises or benefits that we need to know about? Did you promise your neighbor from childhood that you were gonna leave them 30 grand? Or did you promise so-and-so's kid that you would help um pay for college? Like anything we need to know here, just put it on the table for us. That way it is not a surprise when all everything is said and done and we got to split stuff out. We know about the obvious stuff, right? The uh the house, the checking account, the retirement of plan. But do you know about like, is there a long lost pension? I mentioned the insurance pot, life insurance. Is there one? Is there an old annuity that you have no idea where it is? Those it's like getting like clawed out of prison in order to get your hands on that annuity, but nevertheless. Are there are there random accounts out there? Business interests. By the way, did somebody borrow money from you? Do they owe you? Do you owe them? Who knows? Credit card balances, home equity lines, anything we need to know. No judgment. No one cares. We just need to know. Okay. Are you helping someone on the side? Are you giving money to the church? What are you doing? Just tell us. It's non-n this is a no judgment zone. Make it very clear. You just don't want like some random thinking they're gonna inherit your parents' business when all along you thought you were. You need to understand what they want to do. Have they and actually I would also ask, have you given money or valuable property to someone that we don't really know about? Have you done that? Have you paid somebody already? Maybe nosy. Feels a little nosy. It's your parents' money, but all you don't want these surprises or these people to show up after your parents are gone and say, oh, they gave me one money once before, maybe I'll do it again. No, we don't want that. We don't want that. We don't want it, we don't want to get caught up in, I think dad's giving me the business. No, dad said she he was giving it to me, and mom promised her engagement ring to one daughter, and the other daughter's like, mm, but my hands are smaller and they f it fits. You don't want any of that. You don't want any of that. Parents, if you're listening, do your kids a favor and make these decisions for them. Just tell the truth. Just tell the truth. A private promise on the sly, when dad's been like having a couple scotches to your nephew, you know, to your long-lost nephew, can become like a total public feud when he's gone and no one else knows what the heck they talk about. Just get stuff in writing as best you can. And this last one actually makes me laugh. Here you go. What matters to you that may not appear on a financial statement? And this man could run the gamut. Some of the most emotional decisions have actually nothing to do with money. Like, who should receive the family photo albums? Are the kids gonna fight over them? What about the wedding china? I don't think kids get China anymore, but I I had a seating for 18. 18? Somebody thought I was going to serve dinner to 18 people on the regular. That's so funny. That makes me laugh. Military medals, those are precious. Who gets them? If someone was in and in the military at one point, this is near and dear to me, the wine collection. My goal will be to drink online before I die, so my kids get nothing, but you might have a different different thought process there. Artwork, especially, who gets the artwork? Oh, the recipes, who's getting all the recipes? You better make copies of them quickly. But are there love letters? Or is there a watch that belonged to grandpa that somebody wants? What about the Christmas ornaments? I have a Christmas ornament every year from some since when my kids were born. We gave one to my mother every year since I think my kids were born. Who gets all those? Parents often assume that their children will calmly divide these things. No shot. No shot. And by the way, it's not even about dividing. It's like, what the heck am I gonna do with it all? Like my mother, calling her out, has 4,000 statues of the Blessed Mother in her home. What am I gonna do with them? What am I gonna do with them? She's gonna have to figure it out. She's got many years ahead of her to start handing them out as Christmas ornaments or gifts. I don't know. Get them out. Get them out. Sometimes an item with the least financial value though carries the most emotional value. And like you don't know what means so much to your mom. Maybe you do, maybe you don't. Who knows? Ask them. What do you have that's really, really important to you that you want to go to someone? Just have them write it down. If it's not in their will, which it should be, have them write it on something. Ask about funeral or memorial, which is do you want to go? Do you want to be buried? My boyfriend's dad wants us to throw his ashes out into the Long Island Sound. Kid you know. What do you people want? Ask these questions. I have to tell you, I would have never in one million years. I mean, I guess maybe I should have. I don't know. Oh, with the dog. The dog's ashes and my and you know, that's ridiculous. Anyway, ask whether they have preferences regarding religious traditions, music, readings. I know, I know I'm calling out my mother again. She will hands down pick out the music to her own funeral. Where the services should be held. And then let's talk about their digital legacy. What happens to their social media accounts? We shut them down. Do they have photographs stored in the cloud? We gotta get those online subscriptions, emails, all that digital, those digital assets now? That's actually a thing. Like you gotta worry about that stuff. You don't want it out there. All right. And then finally, I would end with one simple question. Because we did talk about a lot of stuff. But is there something you think we should know that you haven't told us yet? You know, somebody have a long-lost lover that's gonna come to the table. Like, come on now, let's it could turn into a, you know, a TV movie, but you have to ask these questions. Give them room to answer. They don't have to answer today. Just tell them it's really important that at some point they get back to you on all that. Remember, not everything worth passing down has an account number attached to it. Some of it just has emotional, emotional memories. And you don't want to discount them, but you don't know that. You don't know them. So they need to tell you. All right, none of these conversations really, like I said earlier, are about how much money your parents have. It's about clarity and dignity and making sure the people you love are cared for the way they want to be cared for. It's definitely also about preventing siblings from having like a World War IV blowout when their parents are gone. It's painful time enough. You don't want to be fighting over who gets the piano. And you don't have to ask all these questions in one sitting. Start with one. Be gentle. It depends on where your parents are. Some parents can't manage all this in one sitting. Maybe ask your parents who their attorney is one day. Maybe ask one day where all the important documents are. Maybe say one day I'm gonna come over on a Saturday and we're just gonna like work on a list together of all your investment uh social media accounts, passwords, usernames, things. Like just take, take your time with it. One question will lead to another and they'll get into it. And then hopefully you start to compile the information you need. But this is really just about allowing them to remain in control when they're gone. So just if you don't want to have this conversation, send this to them. Have them listen. Have them pour a cup of coffee and just listen to this. Start while everyone still has the ability to participate, though. The best financial plan in the world cannot help your family if no one can find it, access it, or understand what it was intended to do. All right. I hope that helps. On a much lighter note, in the next few weeks, I'm gonna put together a podcast and we're gonna kind of flip the camera around a bit. I had sent an email out to a bunch of my clients and asked them for the best financial advice or life lessons they ever learned. They sent me a bunch. I'm gonna compile them and put them in a podcast. If you have one that you want to share with us and get it in there, please reach out to us and send it. Some of those lessons have made me a better financial advisor. Some of them have simply just made me a better person. And I cannot wait to share them all with you. Until then, take care of yourself. Take care of the people you love. And remember that the best financial decisions always begin with a conversation, not with a not with a statement, just a conversation. Share this with someone who needs this, pleased. You can find us on Spotify, Apple Podcasts, Amazon Music, and of course YouTube. And if you want to continue the conversation or share one of your favorite financial lessons learned, TracyBurnsWealth.com, at TracyBurns on X, and at TracyBurnsWealth on Instagram. Just take a breath, take your time, try to get these questions answered so that you don't have to play mind reader when everyone's gone. As always, I'm here if you need me. See you next time. Labenthal Financial Services, Inc. is a FINRA registered broker dealer. The content of this podcast is intended for informational purposes only and is not intended to be investment advice. The views expressed in this podcast are subject to change based on market and other conditions. Information about the qualifications and business practices of Labenthal Global Advisors LLC is available on the SEC's website at www.advisorinfo.sec.gov. Information about the qualifications and business practices of Labenthal Financial Services Inc. and its representatives can be found on FINRA's brokercheck website, which is brokercheck.finra.org.